Monday, December 9, 2013

Today I Choose Me

There is a desire in my heart to be loved and appreciated. I could try my best to make you see. I could turn cartwheels, do back-flips, stand on my head to prove that I Am Somebody. That I am worth your precious thoughts, time and attention.

I could put on make-up, I could take a pretty picture, I could post on Instagram, I could get a thousand retweets and a million Likes on Facebook. I could sing a beautiful song. The whole world could agree that I am worthy, but you. You can't see it. You can't see me.

You are the one I want. You're the one I want to impress. If you don't acknowledge me, it's like I'm not even wearing this new dress. I've danced around, I've played the fool, I've done everything to show you that I'm worthy, but for you, it's like I don't even live.

You don't see me. You don't care. I could fly through the air with golden wings, you'd search for a flyswatter. The treasure that I am, you see as heaps of coal. Nothing. Worthless in your eyes. Exhausting, you say. You just don't have time for me.

Well, of course, there is a way. A way that I could be accepted and approved by you. There is one way, if I struggle and slide myself through this crack, I could get in--then you would like me. Then I would win. I would have you!

That would require me to lose who I am. To not burden you with my differences, to keep quiet when I feel like shouting, to swallow my tears, to pretend you're ignoring me is okay, to accept the crumbs of your attention, after you meet the needs of everyone else but me. But at least you would be mine. At least then you would see...

But is that worth it? To ignore all that is me? To lose myself to please you? To forget my needs so that I can feel accepted by you? You're the one I want, but you can't see me.

I say, nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. I refuse.

I refuse to disappear. I refuse to hide who I am. I refuse to go away. I refuse to pretend I am someone else just to get you to look at me. I've tried everything. Nothing has worked. I cannot prove myself to you. Besides, what have you done for me?

But you won't honor me. You want a doll that you can take off of the shelf. You want an object that will be quiet and will never yell. You want something that isn't me. I will not mold myself into nothing just to feel like something in your eyes.

Today I am straightening my back. I'm giving up my need. I don't need you to see. I can't fix your vision. If you can't see, that's your problem. I can see myself. I can see myself and that's all I need. It hurts. I wanted you so badly. I needed your approval to fix the broken seal in me. But now I see the truth. I can only fix myself. You can never give me that which I'd willingly to give myself up to gain.

This is to all the people whom I've tried to please. All the approvals I've tried to gain. All the cold people I've tried to convince. All the hearts in me that have broken. All the coldness that I've taken. To you I'm saying, adieu. 

Today I Choose Me.

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