Thursday, March 30, 2017

Narcissists Try to Hijack Your Agenda

Narcissists try to hijack your agenda. They want their agenda to be your agenda. Their agenda is an illusion that they've created in their own minds that they are greater than, better than you, that they are superior, and you are an underling. You are inferior, lacking and failing to live up to this illusory agenda they've created.

This agenda may be a part of your own agenda. Narcissists are good at picking up your areas of weakness or self-concern, and turning this into their agenda for your life. They figure out what bothers you most, what they have that you don't have, then they shape the conversation to insinuate that you're lacking in the meeting up to the expectations of this pie-in-the-sky agenda that they have for you.

Narcissists that do this are most likely to give unsolicited advice on how to achieve a goal that you're already working on. In an area they know you're heading to achieve already, they will offer advice to help you achieve your existing goals in a way that makes you look inferior and them look superior.

They will offer advice in your area of interest, and this seems quite innocent. However, the advice that they give you is offered in a condescending way, all the while they're bragging to you about their achievements in the same area. This creates a wide hypothetical gap between how you are perceived by yourself compared to this narcissist. The worst thing is, this agenda hijacking is done on purpose, with the intent to one-up you.

It's crucial to look at your relationships and interactions, and to make sure that this is not going on. Having someone hijack your agenda, make you feel less than, make you feel like they are better than you cannot happen. You must look at your engagements from a higher perspective and begin positioning yourself in these situations as an equal person with your own agenda.

Here are a few tips you may want to consider:
  • Shut down unsolicited advice. There is no reason a casual acquaintance should be giving you advice about achieving your goals at happy hour. Please! Happy hour is to be happy and chit chat. If someone starts advising you on who to date, how to get a date, how to get a better job, or how to do your current job better or how to make more money, without you asking for it. Shut them down with a boundary. If they won't stop, leave their presence, ignore them, or move. If they can't seem to stop cutting you down by acting like you're not meeting the expectations of their agenda--you can always leave.
  • Confront the Agenda. You can confront the agenda hijacking plan directly. You can ask them why they're bringing that up? You can ask them if they're doing okay according to the agenda they're implying that you're failing to meet.
  • Bring Your Whole Self to the Table. Remind yourself at all times of your accomplishments. You are likely prey for narcisssists because of childhood conditioning. Your past may have taught you to go one-down in the presence of people who are acting as if they're better than you. The solution is to recognize when this is happening and make better friends. And always remember who you are. Keep a list of your accomplishments, your goals, your plans in your mind at all times. Be prepared to back yourself up with validating self talk when someone starts dishing out unsolicited advice and tries to get you in the net of their agenda.
  •  Interrogate their Weaknesses. When all else fails and you can't walk away from the conversation, try interrogating their weaknesses and reminding them of their flaws in order to divert their attention away from you and onto themselves (where it belongs). This is a form of reverse manipulation that is premeditated on your part. You have to stand back and think:
    • "What would be an upsetting aspect of this person?" or
    • "What do I have that this person doesn't have that I can bring up and remind them about to deflect from this conversation they are trying to have about my weaknesses?"
Examples of how this happened to me:
  • My friend was trying to tell me that I need to be in a relationship.
  • My other friend was trying to give me unsolicited advice about a guy who was interested in me.
  • My friend who was telling me where I need to live. 
  • My family members who set the agenda of my entire life. 
 An agenda is a set of limitations, limiting beliefs that the narcissistic type person places on you by encouraging you to take a path or pursue goals that are already on your agenda. They usurp your own agenda and implant their own agenda. Let's say you're merrily enrolling into the college of your choice, the narcissist with an agenda for you would tell you the college you chose is not as good as another college you should have chosen.

The more a narcissist feels intimidated and threatened by you, the more supply they receive when a wounded codependent person takes on the agenda that is not their own.

These agendas I've noticed have to do with something I don't have yet that they do have. Examples of agendas narcissists trap you in when you are wounded and lacking an I AM include:

  • Your choice of career.
  • Your choice of mate.
  • Your lack of mate.
  • Your lack of financial support.
  • Your lack of children.
  • Your lack of a business.
  • Your lack of time freedom.
  • Your lack of education.
  • Your lack of the proper physical address.
  • Your lack of popularity.
  • Your lack of health and well being.  
  • Your lack of proper English.
  • Or whatever!!!
Whatever they see that you lacking, they will bring it up and create an agenda around it. This agenda is meant to do the following:
  • Ensnare you into their control
  • Build them up
  • Tear you down
  • Make you feel inferior
  • Drain your self esteem 
These narcissists use the overall AGENDA, or ILLUSION of who you should be and what you should have in order to control you, make you feel insecure,  and to gain narcissistic supply. The narcissistic supply comes from you idealizing them for having whatever it is that you are lacking. The narcissistic supply also comes from the pain and confusion they know you're feeling, as well as from their keen ability to dupe you into falling for their tricks.

The AGENDAs of narcissists are a trap. It is a form of manipulation and gaslighting in attempt to drain you of self worth and self esteem. You could be going happily on your way, just fine where you are, then the disordered person makes a suggestion that who yo are and what you are doing is not enough, or somehow triggers one of your own perceived failures. Then, you are easily led down the shame spiral conversation that you suck and they are as good as god.

Narcissists remind you of your flaw and exploit your perceived weaknesses to build themselves up and tear you down. Once they trigger you, they don't stop there, but continue to lead you around by the dog collar through the labyrinth of their agenda for your life. Untangle yourself by being aware, setting boundaries, validating yourself and living to the beat of your own heart.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Narcissists Won't Take Your Side

If you are looking for love, validation and support from the narcissist, you are wise to look elsewhere. The narcissist will reel you in by offering love bombing and doing anything and everything in the world for you, but once they have you--they will not take your side.

Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.

They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you. 

It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.

The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.

This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.

The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.

It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.

These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.

This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.

Screw that!

Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways
  • They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
  • May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
  • Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
  • Plays dumb. 
  • Ignores you.
  • Becomes distracted.
  • Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
  • Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
  • Stonewalls.
  • Changes the subject. 
  • Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
  • Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
  • Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
  • Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination. 
  • Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past. 
  • Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with. 
Healthy People Have Your Back
It is so easy to take someone's side. This is an easy, empathetic thing to do. A person with a heart will naturally be open to supporting those they love. They will come to their side naturally. It's a normal, natural thing to do, to validate someone's upset whom you care about. Granted, if it's two people you feel strongly for, perhaps you cannot be on one side or the other, but still, you validate the position of the person who is confiding in you about the hurt and pain they've endured or are enduring.

Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.

Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.

Covert Messages in the Lack of Support

It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:
  • I don't support you.
  • I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
  • I believe you are wrong.
  • I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
  • I am superior to you.
  • What you think is wrong.
  • What you feel is wrong.
  • Other people are superior to you.
  • People you argue with are more right than you are.
  • You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
  • You don't know how to feel.
  • I know how you should feel.
  • You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
  • I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present. 
  • I don't believe in you.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
  • You can't count on me for support.
  • You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
  • You are to blame for the argument.
We all need people to love and support us in our lives. When we are surrounded by narcissists, we are surrounded by people who will not take our side. When someone will not take our side, we are left deficit. A very important need goes unmet.

As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side.  This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.

Validation is on Your Side

You deserve validation!!! 
  • 1st you deserve validation from yourself. 
  • 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
  • 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
  • 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation. 
  • 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
  • 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.
This topic is akin to withholding of approval. In childhood, when a parent withholds approval, it is considered emotional neglect. The failure to meet a primary dependency need of the child. As an adult, we shouldn't NEED approval from others, but we should be naturally drawn to people who actively listen to us, believe in us, support us and take our side against the onslaught of rude, manipulative, hurting people who come into our lives.

When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.

Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Become a Patron on Patreon for SelfLoveU YouTube Videos
Now accepting donations for YouTube Videos!!!

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If I am being paid for my work, the quality will increase.

Please sign up to become a patron on Patreon.

We have 2 patrons so far. I'm looking for 1000. The content will become outstanding. Lives will be changed, people will be healed, we will reach the next level. Sign-up to pledge $1 for each video I do from now on on YouTube today. You can set a limit to how many you pay for per month.

Dumb Things That Offend the Narcissist

Please donate on Patreon:
  • A topic that you want to discuss.
  • You having rights. 
  • You feeling confident.
  • You feeling confident to determine what topics to discuss in your relationship.
  • You looking good.
  • Your life being great. 
  • You talking about your accomplishments.
  • You talking about what is important to you.
  • You discussing things you like such as art, intellectual pursuits, your travels.  
  • You discussing your emotions.
  • You sharing details of your life.
  • You having close relationships with others.
  • You enjoying your life. 
  • The way you hold your paint brush.
  • The way you cook dinner. 
  • The way you dress.
  • The way your sweatshirt has big giant lips on it.
  • The way you talk about a certain issue.
  • The way you're on your own path or course. 
  • The way you achieve at work with accolades and promotions. 
  • The way you perceive their manipulative actions as negative.
  • You being a separate person with separate needs.
  • You needing anything from them emotionally.
  • You calling them out on their bad behaviors. 
  • When you let them know you don't like something they do.
  • The way you live your life.
  • Your choice of religion.
  • Your choice of friends.
  • Your choice of jobs, careers, education. 
  • Your need for love, guidance, support. 
  • Your happiness. 
  • Your fulfillment.
  • Your self focus.  
  • You not buying into their agenda of whatever or whomever THEY think you should be. 

Depending on the type of narcissist you are involved with, this blood-sucking vampire may behave or react in the following ways to your "offense."

  • Silent treatment.
  • Gaslighting - Telling you that reality is something that it's not. 
  • Acting emotional, like you've just said the most hurtful thing ever when you said nothing negative to them at all. 
  • Raging 
  • Stonewalling 
  • Stealing your emotional mojo / focus. 
  • Making outrageous accusations. 
  • Give you a guilt trip.
  • Divert the argument.
  • Try to make you feel wrong or bad or ashamed. 
  • Take the side of someone who is against you.
  • Accuse you of doing them harm where no harm was done or intended. 
  • Playing the victim. 
  • Belittle you.
  • Refuse to acknowledge your ideas, or whatever you're discussing.
  • Act as though what you're saying is trivial.
  • Act as though what you're saying is disgusting, ridiculous and offensive. 
  • Monologues 
  • Attacking you.
  • Attacking others who have the same attributes as you.
  • Acting like they don't understand and need endless clarification.
  • Repetitive negative conversation patterns that don't do you any good. 
  • Asking you for something, help, emotional support.
  • Ranting and raving
  • Bringing up negative topics. 
  • Acting out, going on a tailspin, being a hot mess. 
  • Telling you what to talk about.
  • Shaming you for being yourself. 
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a high point.
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a low point.
  • Ignoring you.
  • Being distracted while you're talking.
  • Failing to validate your reality by active listening. 
  • Refusing to meet your needs.
  • Sulking.
There are many more things to add to both of these lists. Can you think of more??? 

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Narcissists Play Dumb to Gaslight You

Narcissists pretend like they are victimized by your normal behavior. They act like they are offended by something you say when whatever you said is innocent and harmless. Narcissists act like whatever you said was heinous and highly offensive. They want you to feel that you are wrong and offensive, like you cannot be understood and like your normal ways of being and talking are unacceptable. This is in attempt to control and manipulate you. They take offense in illogical ways to the empath's normal behavior. This is called GASLIGHTING.

It is emotional abuse to act offended to a benign incidence, statement or position of another person. It is called gaslighting and should not be tolerated. The narcissist is trying to make you wrong. Take you away from your truth and get you tied up in their stupidity. It gets you off your track and onto their track. Gaslighting is a covert manipulation tactic.

Narcissists love to act offended over nothing. They love to play the victim. They love to overreact to innocuous statements you make. They love to play dumb so you will spend your precious energy explaining things to them. They love to suck you dry. Don't fall for it. You don't have to explain yourself or prove yourself. Just walk away. Go Gray Rock. 

If someone is so unintelligent, so unaware, so confused that they are offended by your innocent presence, and offended by your innocent attempts to help them, or your innocent attempts at being human and alive, then they are doing that as a way to take you off track. Gaslighting is about trying to argue with the victim about what's really happening, about reality. The victim keeps trying to explain to the manipulative person what reality is, but the victim continues to deny reality and put forth illogical explanations and pretending to be offended, confused, misunderstood. This causes the empath to work overtime and focus on the creepy parasite narcissist who is playing the empath like a fiddle. 

This is how narcissists control you. They pretend that they are hurt by you, that they don't understand you, that you must help them and prove yourself. Meanwhile, you are taken off track, thinking about helping them to understand and not be hurt, rather than focusing on your own life and your own purposes. They want you to keep coming to them for validation of reality. Do not allow them to take you over in this seemingly innocent way. This is the way your self esteem is being leaked out and makes you feel awful. These little micro manipulation tactics add up to huge loss in self esteem and self actualization. 

DON'T FALL FOR GASLIGHTING. Get educated. Become aware. Don't be played.

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Narcissist Seeks to Control Your Solar Plexus

The narcissist goes after the Solar Plexus of a person. He or she tries to circumvent one's self from one's self and onto the narcissist. The narc tries to dominate your sense of I AMness. The narc wants to control you by confusing you about who you are, what you can do, what matters to you. The narc wants you to have an external locus of control instead of an internal locus of control. The narc wants you to look to them for approval, validation as if they are god. Like a parasite, the narcissist wants to exist on your core of love.

He or she will feed you to some extent, until it has you, or unless it has to. Once you are sufficiently discombobulated internally through gas lighting, silent treatment, victimhood, triangulating, raging, chaos, wounding, intermittent reinforcement, lying, put-downs, insults, commands, disrespect, then the narc has you where it wants you: Detached from self and traumatically bonded to the narcissist's control. Objectified. Lost.

The narc wants to control the agenda and make you fall for whatever illusion they're selling about how you should be, what you should think, what you should feel. The manipulator wants you to believe that you are lowly and inferior and that the narc is all knowing, all powerful and highly superior. News Flash: They are full of horse spit.

Your solar plexus is your center of I AM. The narcissist is envious of this life force in you. The narcissist doesn't have a true self, as it's been submerged during their development. The narcissist is a false self that can only thrive by the supply of your true self, the power of which emanates from the Solar Plexus Chakra. Your place of knowing who you are, what you want, what you can do, what you will do. It's your everything and the narcissist wants to take it from you.

If you are wounded in your SP, then you will be easy prey for the narc. If you do not know who you are, the narc will define you for you. If you don't know who you are, you will feel desperate for definition and you will seek and attract those who will balance your sense of powerlessness. Any obstruction of your sense of who you are, of your I AMness, your internal locus of control, causes a loss of self and turns you into a puppet belonging to someone or something else.

You must know who you are. This happens along your healing journey once you've felt all the feelings and eradicated most of your toxic shame. Once you are rooted through the Root Chakra, you can handle your power... the power found in the Solar Plexus Chakra - Manipura.

The narcissist parent does not teach the child about their own power because a child is so flexible and vulnerable. The parent can use the child's power from birth. The child can become conditioned to give away power through their development--that is, conditioned to give up their own sense of being and instead live to please--exert energy on, worship the external source (narcissistic parent). If you were raised in a narc tank, you may have no sense of your own power physically, emotionally or mentally. You may have no sense of a concentration of your own energy but rather experience the opposite--giving your energy away to thieves. Instead of joy and bliss, you experience depression, low self-esteem and psychosomatic health problems.

It's traumatic to be disconnected from your true power.

If you're maligned in your solar plexus, your self energy becomes focused outward, on needing validation from others (dis-empowering), instead of coming from within--validating the self. (empowering). This is messed up. A whole self comes from within and experiences the world with the five senses--as well as a spiritual component. All this gets stolen when you are wired to care more about what others think than you care about yourself. Your identity becomes enmeshed with someone outside and you can never become a full, whole and complete individual.

But wait! There's hope. You can ignite your own flame and experience your own power.

A way to get in touch with this power is through meditations on the Solar Plexus Chakra. Meditations that refute the inner lie that says you do not exist, that you have no right to exist, or that your existence is futile, useless, worthless, unlovable. Meditations that stand firm in who you are--who YOU really are.

Who you are.
What you will do.
That you can do it.
That you exist.
That you have a right to exist.

If these very simple understandings were not conveyed to you as a child, then you become stuck in a psychological development stage that is codependent. You must complete the developmental process on your own as an adult using your healthy adult voice, mindfulness, awareness, meditation, affirmations, refuting the negative lies, reparenting yourself.

I will.
I can.
I am.

Daily reminders to yourself of who you are, that you are worthy, that you are confident, healthy, capable, successful, strong, powerful.

All this must be coupled with your own self expansion in every area. You must begin to allow yourself to be who you are according to your senses. Smell, taste, touch, sight... Your physical body must be attuned to, heeded, experienced. You must begin to follow the leadings of your deep intuition and start doing things for YOURSELF that are from your I AM. Whatever those things may be. Wherever those things take you. You have to start living from your I AM and reclaim--perhaps for the first time--your Solar Plexus. Your place of self will, determination, power and existence.

You must protect yourself and the only way to do this is to understand your power. It's like lighting the flame inside your heart. The flame of knowing, understanding who you are and what you're capable of doing, being, becoming. WHO YOU ARE.

You must protect yourself from manipulative people who want to control you and exploit you  and use you for their benefit. They would love to get you into a place of submission. They will use their arrogant, shape-shifting ways to fool you into blowing out your own inner candle.  They will do anything they can think of to knock you down so that you stop existing in your power and bow down to worship them.

If you are in your power you cannot be fooled. You can't be moved. You are strong in who you are, what you want and what you're capable of doing, being and becoming. The narc can't get past you when you stand in your own power and are certain of your own right to exist. You become a repellent to those who would abuse you. You overcome the negativity of others. You realize the value of who you are and this is a show stopper for the narcissist. Light the fire of your I AM.