Saturday, July 25, 2015

Abuse By Proxy

Did you know you can be abused by someone emotionally and psychologically without them doing it to you directly? Yes. It can happen. It has happened to me. In fact, it has happened to me to the extent that I am very aware of it now. Today, with all of the healing I've gone through, I can plainly see when I'm being abused by proxy. Before my awakening and healing, I was regularly abused by 3rd parties for an original perpetrator without even realizing it. This hurt me greatly because I couldn't see (or was in denial of seeing) who was actually holding the knife. In fact, I thought it was my fault. Quite confusing.

If you were raised in a dysfunctional home, you don't know which end is up. You don't know how to trust yourself and you trust people who are harmful to you. Since you were never taught to trust yourself, you have to go outside for guidance, protection, encouragement and support. When you go outside yourself (because you don't know who you are) to get support, you are wide open to being "supported" by perpetrators who mean you no good.

People who are psychologically disordered live live like a game; they are in a battle for power and control. These people get a rush out of taking the power away from others. If you are a weak, needy person who was never taught that you have power, or that you have a right to have power, then you are easy prey for predators who will take everything you have and leave you thinking it's all your fault. These predators will abuse you in many ways. One way these folks take you down is through ABUSE BY PROXY.

Abuse By Proxy, technically is when a person uses or manipulates other people to abuse you. When you are abused by a third party, the original predator keeps his or her hands clean. This type of abuse is the worst! You may turn to the very person who is killing you. It's crucial that you understand who it is that is causing you to stay in abusive situations. It's crucial that you look beyond the surface and see that some people are merely following the directives of a covertly manipulative person who wants to take you down, keep you confused--and take away your power.

Abuse By Proxy occurs whenever the following types of scenes occur in your life:
  • You are being abused by a 3rd party, and your confidante encourages you to stay in the relationship.
  • You're being abused by a 3rd party, and your confidante says things to cause you to feel responsible, guilty, afraid of leaving or ashamed for getting out. 
  • You are abused by a 3rd party, and this abuse is occurring at the bequest of the predator or narcissist in your life.  
  • You are slandered by a group because of their loyalty to a predator who slanders you and they believe the lies.
The key to overcoming this type of abuse is realizing that you are worthy of protection. You are worthy of protection. You are worthy of protection. If you are abused, hurt, treated poorly, disrespected, you deserve to get the hell out of the relationship. This is YOUR RIGHT. You owe it to yourself to get out. If there is anyone who tells you to stay, forgive and forget, and /or says things to make you 2nd guess yourself, you know--this person is abusing you by proxy. This person is allowing you--encouraging you to stay in situations that are damaging your soul and leading you AWAY from your highest good.

If you are being slandered by a group of people or treated like crap from narcissist fawns, then just know who the original culprit is. You can't win with a narcissist. You might as well cut your losses and move on; believe me, you've really lost nothing. Narcissists promise the world, but leave you with ashes so it's really no big loss.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Who Is Stirring Your Pot?

  • Do you allow people to say things and do things that get to you emotionally? 
  • Do you often find yourself being manipulated or controlled?
  • How you react whenever a certain person or certain people say things to hurt you? 
  • Do you feel the need to react to everything that comes your way?
  • Are you easily riled?
  • Do you feel confused and insecure?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you have a weak sense of self. You may be lacking boundaries and limitations on your expenditure of thoughts, feelings and energy. You may be externally focused on what other people think more than what you yourself thinks. Perhaps you were raised in a family that taught that children are to be seen and not heard. Maybe you were raised in a family where your feelings and thoughts didn't matter. Maybe you were taught growing up that you have no power. If that happened, then you very likely need to build yourself up today.

It's never too late to grow up, mature and become strong with a strong identity that doesn't get stirred up so easily.

Part of my healing journey involved learning to detach from outside forces while at the same time pulling my attention and focus inward into myself. I had to struggle big time to learn to operate from within myself instead of from what everyone else needed, wanted or manipulated me to be. I used to be the kind of person who was very concerned about what others thought--even more concerned with others than I was with myself. I had a hard time sticking to my truth and spent most of my life feeling very confused.

When your sense of self is weak, you have no boundaries. Boundaries are very pervasive, and they come in many sizes, shapes and forms. In this account, the boundaries I'm talking about are boundaries within yourself to know what is your business and what is not your business. Boundaries against going back on your original decisions about yourself, others, your life and situations. Boundaries against your emotions getting riled up by any outside person, place or thing.

Having boundaries to the degree that things don't bother you is difficult and not for the weak minded. You must have a fortified sense of self and a strong identity. This means, you trust your gut (intuition) and you have the discipline to stick by what you want, need, choose and decide. A whole person who is healthy is capable of making sound decisions and sticking to them, regardless of who tries to bring them into mess and drama. A healthy soul is able to observe situations without becoming emotionally dominated. A person who knows who she or he is knows that to honor the self is the most important aspect of being authentic and true.

Who Is Stirring Your Pot?

There are people in this world who are not psychologically healthy. These people love stirring the pot. They love causing drama. They love watching you squirm. They get pure enjoyment out of doing things, saying things and orchestrating situations in which you will be confused, frustrated, abused and or hurt. These people are hurting themselves and they feel powerless. The way they get their power is externally. They feel powerful when they can make a weak and needy person without boundaries feel badly. Sad but true.

These people are all around you. It may be someone you adore. It may be someone you love. The fact that some people like to stir the pot and cause drama is not always a reason to end a relationship, but what is important is that you learn to stay true to yourself, to stand firm in your own truth and not be persuaded to partake into the drama that they trying to create.  Here's the kind of drama I'm talking about:
  • Repeatedly bringing up a friend whom they know you've had a falling out hoping that you'll forget about the incident and continue engaging in the toxic situation. 
  • Bring up things that are bothersome to you that this person knows you will talk about incessantly.
  • Asking you thought-provoking questions at opportune times that takes you off the path of where you're heading and down their rabbit trail of control.
  • Contradict your thoughts, feelings, choices and decisions regarding relationships that leaves you invalidated and confused. 
  • Bringing up past situations when you are trying to grow up and move past such mistakes. 
  • Remind you of past failures, making you feel incompetent and unsure of yourself today.
  • Rub your nose in the successes of others.  
  • Try to get you to feel sorry for them, love for them, pity for them, anger for them... anything which tries to provoke a certain feeling in you.
 The fact is, none of these things would be bothersome to a person with a high self esteem and who values their own thoughts and feelings. A person with a solid sense of self is not going to be swayed by the interjections of a trouble-maker. A person who trust his or herself is going to hold fast to their position and not be stirred easily. Of course, everyone is vulnerable some times. If you're tired, or have a lot of stress, or are enduring personal difficulties, you may be more prone to allowing the whims of others to lead you astray and stir your pot. But for the most part, a healthy, healed person should be able to stand firm in their own authenticity without being shaken.

The key to fortifying your identity lies first in trusting yourself. It's important that you learn to stop second-guessing yourself and that you make firm decisions and choices and that you stick with your values and your beliefs. You have to know what is yours to control and what needs to be left up to the universe to handle. Once you have a firm handle on who you are, and you trust yourself and prove to yourself that you trust yourself, then you will be free to stand firm like an oak tree that is rooted in the ground when the winds of drama come to try to blow you off-center.

Ways to Protect Yourself from Pot-Stirrers

Here is a few ways you can protect yourself from the pot stirrers in your life:
  • Stay mindful of what is coming at you. Watch what is being said and observe your actions and reactions.
  • Stay cognizant of what is yours to control and what is out of your control. Understand that trying to control anything other than your own reaction is a waste of your time.
  • Be aware of your weaknesses and trigger points. Be extra careful when it comes to your weak areas. Let an internal alarm sound if anyone brings up touchy subjects. 
  • Give yourself space. Step away from people who are engaged in the process of trying to drag you into a conversation or situation that you have already determined is not for your highest good.
  • Stay rooted, grounded, centered in your own truth and authenticity.
  • Repeat affirmations related to your own self sufficiency and competency. 
  • Reparent yourself by Catching Yourself and reminding yourself of who you really are and what really matters.
  • Look at the big picture. Oftentimes pot stirrers thrive on your weak trigger points that put you in child mode. Make sure you use your wise mind to see the whole situation with the thoughts of a rational adult. 
  • Meditate regularly so you can notice thoughts without acting on them. 
  • Stay rooted and grounded in the present moment so that the pot stirrers can't make suggestions that cause you to worry, be afraid, feel guilty or ashamed.
The fact is, we will all face people who try to stir our pots from time to time. The key is knowing who you are and standing firm in the face of the temptation to get off track from your own highest good. Allowing someone to hijack you emotionally and psychologically is a misuse of your precious energy. The energy they're trying to grab is energy that could be used to better your life, to love others more and to love yourself more too. Keep your drama to yourself. You'll be glad that you did.

Jenna Ryan
(c) All Rights Reserved

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Miserable Comforters vs. Healthy Support

Who do you turn to when you need a friend? A confidante? Encouragement? Love? The answer to this question is important for your life. Who you turn to for comfort makes a huge difference in the path you take and ultimately, your own self concept.

In the Book of Job in the Old Testament, Job is riddled with maladies. He loses his fortune, his family and his health. His wife betrays him. He is miserable. According to the story, God had given the devil free reign to test Job. Once he was covered in boils and sitting in exile, his so-called friends came along to help him out. These so called friends were quick to judge Job and give reasons as to why he was experiencing what he was experiencing, and what he should do to turn things around. Job called these folks "Miserable Comforters." It is a testament to the judgments of people who have no compassion or insight into the plight of another.

We are social beings. We all need to be comforted and supported by those around us. We are hardwired for connection. If we were raised in functional homes, then we likely have an internal working model of healthy external comfort. When we're feeling down, we have someone to turn to, and that someone will not use our weakness to try to control us or put us down. If, on the other hand, we were raised in homes that were dysfunctional, by parents who were also raised in less-than-nurturing environments, we may not know how to be comforted properly. We may be drawn to people who manipulate us when we turn to them for help, or those who use our misfortune to build their own weak sense of self.

The people in your midst are generally at your same level of psychological maturity. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you were not likely able to mature psychologically or emotionally. If you are immature or undeveloped, when you're an adult, you're likely to be attracted to people who are at your same level, or worse--you may be attracted to people who exploit those with lower-level functioning. This is what happened to me.

Along my healing journey, I found that as I grow, I also have to replace people in my life who used to comfort me with people who comfort me properly. Some of the people I turned to in the past supported my fragmented identity and my low self esteem. The truth is, who we turn to for comfort says much about our level of healing. The more healthy a person is, the less they need support, and the more adept they are at seeking out support that will gently support their authentic truth.

Here are the qualities you want to avoid in your external comforters:
  • Tells you what to do. 
  • Criticizes you.
  • Shares your issues with other people.
  • Reminds you of past mistakes.
  • Reminds you of how bad things are.
  • Tries to manipulate you and/or exploit you.
  • Gloats in your weakness.
  • Tells you to "get over it."
  • Acts like your needs for comfort are a burden.
  • Makes you feel worse.
  • Kicks you when you're down.
  • Makes you feel guilty or ashamed for needing comfort.
  • Compares you to other people.
  • Tries to solve your problems.
  • Wishy-washy. One way one day, another way the next.
  • Flaky - Not dependable.
  • Negative and pessimistic in the area you need comfort. 
  • Overly helpful and smothering.
  • Focused on their own problems.
  • Envious.
  • Speaks in cliches, antidotes, platitudes.
  • Know it all.
  • Rigid and legalistic.
  • Needs answers and definition of circumstances (to maintain semblance of control).
Why do people do these things? All sorts of reasons. If you turn to someone who has a low self esteem and poor self worth, then they will do all sorts of things that may seem like comfort, but leave you feeling worse than before. If you turn to someone for support who is insecure, he or she may use your weakness to their own advantage by feeling better than you for not having your same problem. Oftentimes, this kind of "support" is covert. You don't know it is happening because it's subconscious and subtle. This is something you must be aware of. It's important as you grow and heal that you steer clear of this uncomfortable comfort. It's important that you find people to support you who truly value you as a unique individual.

Here are the qualities you want to seek out in your external comforters:
  • Consistent advice.
  • Feels good about themselves so they can support you. 
  • On your side.
  • Trustworthy.
  • Available and accessible.
  • Validates your reality.
  • Accepts you for who you are.
  • Has empathy.
  • Has space in their heart for you.
  • Encourages your growth and change for the better.
  • Cheers you on when you encounter difficult roads in life.
  • Stays on your side, even when it seems like you're surpassing them.
  • Takes up for you against outside opposition.
  • Sticks by your side.
  • Takes what you say at face value.
  • Open and flexible.
  • Empathetic.
  • Expects you to handle your own life well.
  • Believes the best in you.
  • Trusts the process of life, and trusts other people.
  • Gives you time to share without rushing you.
  • Allows you to process without interruption.
  • Leaves things open without having to come to resolution to feel safe.
  • Lets you be who you are without judging you.
  • Does not try to offer a quick-fix. 
  • Positive mindset.
The qualities of a good comforter, or a good friend, are qualities that one possesses who is a whole person. Only a whole person can give you the comfort that you need to maintain a positive sense of self. You need people around you who are willing to let you be who you are, where you are, wherever that place is for you today. You need people who will encourage you, be on your side and nudge you to your highest good. You need people who are healthy so that they can lead you in the healthiest ways. Nobody is perfect. The key is to find comforters who love themselves enough to love you right.

You Need Comforters!!!

Who you choose as your comforters and supporters in this life makes a huge difference in how your life goes. If you choose no one, then you're going to have a very rough time. If you do not seek out any comforters, any support, and if you try to do everything on your own, then you are likely in bad shape. You may cut yourself or be suicidal. If so, I encourage you to get help--get help fast.

If you have supporters in your life who are actually tearing you down, it's time to reevaluate your relationships. Perhaps you need to distance yourself from people who make you feel worse after turning to them for comfort. Maybe you need to seek out people who are a healthy match for your new found self love that you've acquired along your healing journey.

How to Tell if Your Comforters are Uncomfortable

One of the difficult things for me when I was going through this aspect of my healing journey, is determining who to trust. Who to turn to? The answer is more difficult than I wanted it to be. I went through a lot of friends who were incapable of being there for me. I went through a husband or two. I went through therapists. It was very difficult to learn how to trust the right people. It was hard to let go of people I cared about, but who were harming me psychologically. I had to be strong in so many cases. I learned so much along the way.

One way to know if you are being comforted and supported properly is the way that you feel. Your gut is the best indicator of the quality of support you're being given. Your intuition is your internal guidance system that tells you whether what you're experiencing is for your highest good, and whether it is not. So many of us ignore ourselves. This is a problem! You need to be tuned in to yourself like a hawk if you want to live effectively... but that's another article. For this article, let's just say, trust your gut. If you feel like you're being harmed when you seek comfort from a friend, family member, spouse, clergy, therapist... then chances are very good that you are. Trust yourself and protect yourself.

How Miserable Comforters Are

Consider how you feel when you're speaking to this person. Do you feel any of the following ways? If so, then you may want to distance yourself quickly and find some other person to help and support you. Don't keep pouring yourself out to someone who cannot help you.
  • As though life is hopeless, you might as well give up and stay negative.
  • As though nothing ever works out.
  • As though you're not good enough to be heard.
  • As though whatever you're needing is too much of a burden.
  • As though whatever solutions you've found are never going to work.
  • As though you don't know what you're talking about.
  • As though you should feel some other way.
  • As though you are ridiculous for feeling badly or needing comfort.
  • As though they're doing you a favor by listening to you.
  • As though they feel superior to you in your weakness.
  • As though they know all the answers.
  • As though you should be somewhere else, somewhere better in your life.
  • As though whatever you're going through is not that big of a deal.
  • Like crabs in a bucket. If they can't get out, neither can you. 
  • They criticize you.
If someone whom you turn to for comfort displays the attitudes and behaviors of the list above, RUN from that person. Don't walk. RUN! You cannot possibly be comforted by someone who invalidates you, makes you feel inferior and kicks you when you're down. These are not the type of people you need in your life. As a fellow wounded soul on this healing journey, it's crucial that you get away from these "miserable comforters" and find people who are truly on your side.

How Healthy Supporters Are
Healthy people have the inner-capacity to allow you to be who you are in that moment without trying to change you. They are whole people who do not rely on external circumstances to make them feel good about themselves. They don't need to manipulate, one-up you or take anything from you. They are simply alive, happy, positive (for the most part) and they understand that we people need each other to survive and to thrive. These are the people you want in your corner. Here's how they are:
  • They encourage you to seek your own solutions.
  • They believe the best for you, and the best in others, and the best in life.
  • They offer suggestions, but don't shove solutions down your throat.
  • They're empathetic to your plight.
  • They believe whatever you're going through is a big deal; they take you seriously.
  • They give you time and space to express yourself.
  • They don't try to take over your life, they simply allow you to be who you are.
  • They make you feel good, cared for and encouraged.
  • They don't try to make the conversation about them and their problems.
  • They remind you of your victories.
 You can add to this list. I'd love to hear what you think.... feel free to give me more ways in the comment section below.

The moral of this article is that we all need good supporters to help us along the way. It is okay to need support, we were created to need support and to support one another. Unfortunately, some things go astray when we were raised in dysfunction (most of us). We may have a tendency to seek out comforters that we are used to, not people who are actually good for us. We may be covered in unhealthy advice from people who are insecure and who do not love themselves and could not possibly love us. It is crucial for us, as growing, healing people who are on the journey to loving ourselves, to distance ourselves from miserable comforters and find people with our best interests at heart. Good luck in your journey!&

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Real Person vs. A Zombie

Some people are not real. They may look real on the outside, in fact, some zombies look REALLY good on the outside, but nevertheless, once you engage with them, you find out they're not real at all. In fact, they are fake people with fake smiles, fake concern, fake accomplishments, fake everything. I hate that I have to write about this. I hate that there are people out there who are so self absorbed that they feel the need to suck the blood (like a vampire) from other people. Unfortunately, we need articles like this to help keep the real people safe.
Real Person Zombie
  • Cares about feelings of other people.
  • Able to put others first. 
  • Able to love others; has empathy.
  • Is happy for and wishes the best for others.
  • Interested in equal, give and take relationships.
  • Has empathy for others in pain.
  • Does not tend to exploit others.
  • Admits mistakes and takes responsibility for actions. 
  • Keeps word.
  • Associates with people who are genuine and relate-able. 
  • Tries to build people up and encourage them. 
  • Accepts others for who they are.
  • Respects the boundaries of others.
  • Give to others. 
  • Meets the needs of others freely, even if it does not bring direct benefit.
  • Does not cut you. Presence heals you.
  • Keeps word, even if it hurts. 
  • Gets trapped in triangles if he or she is unaware of the manipulations of zombies.
  • Fills up self with self esteem from well inside own heart.
  • Feels badly when hurts anothers feelings. Not afraid to apologize, make amends. 
  • Considerate of other people's time, attention and resources.
  • Interested in relating with others from equal standpoint. 
  • Does not care about other people's feelings. 
  • Is unable to put others first. Selfish & entitled.
  • Cannot love others; no empathy.
  • Envies others and wishes them ill. 
  • Interested in unequal relationships where they always have the upper hand.
  • Enjoys seeing people in pain.
  • Feels entitled to exploit others.
  • Lies to make themselves look better.
  • Will rarely apologize or take responsibility for actions. 
  • Keeps word only if it benefits them.
  • Forms strategic alliances to advance themselves socially.
  • Gossips and puts other people down.
  • Manipulates and controls.
  • Easily offended if someone sets a boundary.
  • Exploit others.
  • Refuse to meet the needs of others unless it directly meets their own needs. 
  • Carelessly cut you and laughs while you're bleeding. 
  • Breaks promises, even if it hurts others.
  • Creates triangles to alienate and abuse others.
  • Gets self esteem from reaction of others. 
  • Enjoys tearing others down--this builds the Zombie's self esteem.

Narcissists Love to Hurt You

One thing a narcissist will do is abuse you directly. But a better tactic for the elusive narc is to have someone else abuse you instead of themselves. This keeps their hands clean. For this reason, a narcissist will almost always encourage you to...
  • Stay in abusive situations.
  • Ignore your own intuition.
  • Feel guilty for taking up for yourself against others who bully you.
  • Ignore toxic behavior.
  • Just get over it.
  • Blame yourself. 
  • Apologize for everything.
A narcissist is not on your side. They don't care about you. As hard as this is to face, especially if this person is a family member, parent, sibling or spouse, it is something you must face in order to get out alive. The narcissist does not think like you; nor does he/she FEEL like you. They are different. They are heartless. Their only concern is for themselves, how they look. They only feel worthy when they make others feel unworthy. It's that simple.

They live to put you down and make you feel rotten, especially if you're a threat. If you're a threat, the narcissist will do everything possible to pull you down and trick you into feeling badly about yourself. They will manipulate you into thinking that you've brought the abuse on yourself... when really, it's their "support" that's kept you hanging onto people who are abusive to you. It's vital that you get the hell away from people who encourage you to stay in abusive or toxic situations. Someone who really cares about you wants to keep you from harm. A true person will encourage you to protect yourself at all costs.

If you are weak in any way... if you are needy in any way... if you harbor any self doubt whatsoever, the narcissist will hone in on this weakness and take full advantage of it. Never share your weakness with a narcissist. They feed on weak people with poor boundaries and weak sense of self. They have a sixth sense for vulnerability and are sizing you up constantly to see what they can exploit.Your pain is narcissistic supply to the narcissist... just like blood to the vampire.

Their ultimate goal is to steal you away from you. They want you to be dumb, confused and easy to control. Their self esteem is derived from making others feel like crap. They subtly encourage you to stay in abusive situations thus harming you without them actually doing it directly. When they're able to do this effectively, they get a little "kick" in their heart... like when a normal person feels when we are generous or make someone happy. A narcissist feels good when she inflicts pain on you.

The toxic behaviors of the narcissist ARE PAINFUL to a real person who has a real (not fake) heart. A real person has feelings and needs and wants true connection. The narcissist promises connection but then renigs on the deal at the last minute--after they feel they've dominated you. Their greatest pleasure is to cause others pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. When you hurt, the narc feels like she has won, and in a way, she has.

If you allow yourself to be duped by the false promises of the narcissist to love and treat you with respect, then you can only look to yourself for the reason why. Why would you subject yourself to the put-downs, lies and manipulations of the narcissist? You must find out and repair those old wounds.

The only real way to win against the narcissist is to get away from them. They can never love and will forever hate you because you can. They will try to pull you into your web by getting close to your non-narc friends and family, but don't fall for the triangulation. The narcissist is all mirrors and lights. They have nothing you need. They can add nothing and can take nothing away. You are free and beautiful and amazing. Go out and love yourself and find real people to love. <3

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Love Bombing

Love Bombing is a very common tactic used by narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other toxic individuals to lure a victim into trusting him or her and gaining power and control over the victim's life. Love bombing can occur in lovers, friends, family--anywhere you find a narcissist or toxic person. Examples of love bombing include any of the following types of behaviors...
  • Texting you all the time
  • Telling you you're their soul mate.
  • Putting you in the same context as their long-term ex or ex husband or wife.
  • Wanting to take you out.
  • Liking everything that you say or do.
  • Being over all crazy about you.
  • Doing favors for you, going out of their way for you.
  • Be extremely passionate sexually.
  • I feel like you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen their whole lives.
  • Being selfless while focusing totally on you.
  • Progressing the relationship quickly.
  • Future faking. (Making comments about a future that never happens...)
  • Sweeping you off your feet.
  • Promising you everything you've ever wanted in a relationship.
  • Professing to be your best friend.
  • Rushing to have sex, move-in together, get married.
  • Sending you letters, emails, texts professing love and devotion.
  • Being constantly available to you.
  • Selflessly meeting your needs.
  • Seeming to think you're the most beautiful thing in the world.
  • Wanting to spend every moment with you.
  • Tying up all your time on the phone, via text or in person.
Love Bombing is a tactic for brainwashing people. This tactic is often used by religious groups to recruit new members. Love Bombing is a cult-favorite and very disoriented for the victim. The victim feels flattered and overwhelmed by all the attention and adoration he or she gets from the love bomber. The Love Bomber is merely a sheep in wolves clothing... What originally feeds this victim will eventually feed off of her.

How Does Love Bombing Work?

Love Bombing works in the following ways to disorient, overwhelm and over-take the victim's normal thought processes:
  • Causes the victim to feel flattered.
  • Promises a needy victim the love he or she never got before.
  • Isolates the victim from friends, family, etc... because focus is on Love Bomber.
  • Causes the victim to ignore red flags because he or she is so intrigued by the constant flow of attention.
  • Causes the victim to emotionally depend on the love bomber.
  • Causes a feeling of reciprocity in the victim which makes him feel obligated to pay back the kindness of the love bomber in the future. 
  • Incites the fantasies of ideal love / fairytale love in the victim which ultimately become a trap.
  • Cause victim to trust the love bomber.
  • Take the victim off track from their own internal guidance system.
  • Cause the victim to believe that the love bomber truly cares.
  • Cause the victim to disbelieve negative behavior of the love bomber which will come eventually.
The Problem with Love Bombing

The problem with love bombing is that it is not real. Sure, it would be great if another person would come along, sweep us off our feet, tell us we're the greatest person on earth, and give us the 24/7 unconditional love we missed-out-on as a kid. Yes, that would be nice... and we CAN get that kind of love, but not from a stranger. The kind of love the love bomber promises to fill is the kind of love that you can only give to yourself. You've got to love yourself the way the love bomber is pretending to love you.

Plus, the love bomber is so taken by you, that he MUST eventually give up the charade. It's not healthy to have someone so attached, attracted and dependent on you. Eventually, this person who is all over you will swing back the other way and become the opposite toward you. This is where things get painful for the unaware victim of love bombing.

The Results of Love Bombing

If you are taken away by the love bombing tactics of the narcissist, you're in for a very hard fall. These disordered people gain your trust, promise you the sun and stars, then drop you in mid air from an airplane without a parachute. You hit the ground. Kerplunk! It hurts! The key is steering clear of love bombers in the first place... Or, making sure you don't put all your eggs in this love bomber's basket to begin with. Also, allowing people to unfold over time instead of allowing them to rush you into a relationship or friendship before you're ready.

The Love Bomber is attempting to brainwash you by meeting all your needs and being super-attentive towards you. He or she subconsciously knows that they are hijacking your internal judgment system. Eventually, when she is done and has what she wants from you, she will discard you like a piece of trash. This is a very common tactic of the narcissist. To discard you. This is part of the Sweet/Mean Cycle.

Once you are hooked on this narcissist, it's too late. Your judgment is thwarted. Your identity is stolen. You get your sole source of feeling good from this person who once loved you, but is now treating you with disdain. The toxic process of devaluation includes these types of behaviors:
  • Ignoring your texts.
  • Not texting you anymore, or reaching out to call you.
  • Not wanting to see you anymore.
  • Withdrawing from the relationship.
These tactics are control tactics that narcs use to exact narcissistic supply from their victims. These tactics are also signals to your subconscious that you're doing something wrong and that you need to change what you're doing to please the narcissist. These tactics also teach you that something is wrong with you... (especially if you already have issues with this negative core belief to begin with). 

After the love bombing phase, you begin to see that it was all an act. This person didn't love you or care about you at all. You were simply taken for a fool and then you're stuck with an awful, painful mess of sorting through how you gave yourself away to a liar. This is where healing can begin.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Hidden Messages of Toxic People

How do you know if a friend, acquaintance or family member is toxic? There are some usual tell-tale signs. First of all, you must know, when you're dealing with a toxic person, you're not simply engaging with them. You are in a battle; a battle for power and control. Toxic people base their interactions on power and control. They want to engage with you, but only in a way that puts them on top, and you on bottom.

Unfortunately, these disordered human beings feel out-of-sorts when you are equal. They need to feel superior in order to maintain their self esteem. They come across as aloof and as though they don't need you, when in reality, they're quite needy. They only get their self esteem from external sources... from doing things that subtly put you in your "place." One of the main ways a toxic person sends a message of inequality to those around him or her is through subtle ignoring, withdrawal and the Silent Treatment. This is the process of leaving you hanging, not answering your texts, not responding to your invitations or checking their phone when the two of you are having lunch.

Checking phone when you're in mid sentence during lunch, dinner or other 2 way conversation. 

You may think this is no big deal, when in fact, it is a big deal because it sends a subconscious (and often conscious) message that you are not worth listening to. It causes the speaker to question him or herself and to feel less-than interesting. If a speaker is codependent and unaware of this mean toxic tactic, he or she may try harder to engage the ignoring other, or simply be quiet, assuming that what they say is not important. Everyone has a need to be heard. You have a right to expect your needs to be met, and you have a right to be heard. A toxic person ignoring you as you're speaking is rude and inconsiderate. If you continue to put up with this behavior, it will erode your self esteem.

When I am eating, drinking and/or conversing with someone, I am aware of the messages that the other person is sending to me. I listen to my own gut about how I feel. If I feel uneasy, or if the person starts ignoring me as I am speaking, I stop speaking. I may even let them know that I can't talk while someone is texting others. If they won't stop after I set a boundary, I will end the lunch. Yes, I will get up and walk away. Life is too short to pour myself out to disrespectful people. I need my self esteem and I need people who respect me enough to listen to me and show me that they are interested in what I have to say. I MATTER and so do you.

Ignoring your texts.

This is an interesting one. There are 2 types of ignoring (probably more, but I'm only dealing with 2). One type is when you send a text and the person never responds. The second type is when you say something and the person glosses over what you said by not answering. Here's a nice breakdown of unacceptable behavior of toxic people that over time will rob you of your self esteem and take away from you rather than build you up.

"A skilled emotional manipulator gets you to put your sense of self worth and emotional well-being into his hands. Once you make that grave mistake, he methodically and continually chips away at your identity and self-esteem until there's little left." ~ Psychopaths and Love 

1. Not responding to your initial text. This is a sign that the other person is not interested in communicating with you or that they did not receive the text. You can let this slide once, but if it happens 3 times within a few months, you can bet this person is sending you a subtle message that you are unimportant and less-than them. If a person is too busy to send a quick text back, this person is too busy for you. Go find someone more interested in you who can meet your needs equally.

2. Saying something totally unrelated to what you've said. Some people have the nerve to totally ignore your topics of conversation by text, phone or in person. They may not answer your question, but instead say whatever it is they want to say. This is a subtle form of dissing. It sends a message to your subconscious that you are invisible; and that what you have to say is not important.

3. Not responding to the last thing you said. How hard is it to send a smiley face? Say haha or finish up a conversation? I've noticed that people who have a stake in being one-up over others do not reply or finish conversations. They leave things open, which leaves you feeling like you just said the most stupid thing in the world. I know this is subtle, but that's how nuts toxic people are. They use every opportunity to dominate over others and make people they're dealing with feel less-than and worthless.

4. Waiting a long time to respond to texts. Everyone is busy. We live in a busy world, and we can't expect to be at the top of everyone's agenda 24 hours a day, however, there is a limit to how busy a person should be before you scrap the relationship and find someone else who is more attentive to your needs for reciprocity.  If someone you're dealing with consistently fails to respond to your texts in a timely manner, or leaves you hanging, then you could be dealing with a toxic person who is trying to dominate you and ultimately control you. I recommend letting this person know this behavior is bothersome and setting a boundary to protect yourself from being negated in any way.

Some people like this you have to deal with, for example people at work and/or family members. Other people, you have a choice to walk away and find people who treat you well. I have found that the text process is a great way to find out if you're dealing with a person who is sane... that is, interested in a reciprocal, give-and-take, equal relationship... or the opposite. A narcissistic control freak who wants to gain power over you--or somewhere in between.

Being less available.

A toxic person is all about controlling you. When you are being controlled by a toxic person, you may not even realize it. They do little things. Tiny things that seem like no big deal to you. Let's say, for example, they are pulling the Sweet/Mean Cycle on you. They want to control some aspect of your life, so they've been LOVE BOMBING you by being nice and meeting all your needs--and more. Now, it's time for the leveling. This is when the narcissist goes from idealizing you to devaluing you. Some toxic people use this process to control you and bring you back into line.

You may not realize it, but you will subconsciously notice that the toxic person is no longer attending to you like before. You may not see it plainly, but deep down, you will associate this person's poor, declining treatment of you as an indication that they're no longer happy with you. You're no longer accepted. Maybe you got a new job, a new boyfriend or a raise. A disordered person, who was there for you like Mother Theresa when you were down, now suddenly starts pulling away. Subconsciously, you may start to sabotage your new found happiness in order to maintain this relationship. WATCH OUT. This is a powerful form of control that can cripple your life and frustrate you immensely.

Pay attention when people are there for you and when you are feeling needy. Notice changes in the relational style of those closet to you, especially if you've been a victim of emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse. It may not be you. You may be the puppet of a toxic controlling person without even realizing it!

Insinuating there is something wrong with you and/or your decisions and life choices.

Let's face it. Happy, well-adjusted people with high self esteem do not feel the need to tear others down or to make them feel like there is something wrong with them. It is only people who feel little, insecure and intimidated that will go the extra mile to try to make you feel badly. A toxic person is very subtle, but will make statements and ask little questions that are intended to make you second guess yourself. Watch for this! Someone who loves and cares about you, someone who is good for you will build you up and encourage you--they won't be making little digs that negate and deflate you. A healthy person will not cause you to have to defend yourself or give excuses. Only sick, unhealthy people try to downgrade others.

The key to stopping these negative messages from infiltrating your soul is to build your own identity and seek out healthy people. Do whatever it takes to build a positive support system of people who are on your side and who are not toxic. Weed out negative toxic people from your life by limiting your communication and time you spend with them. Remind yourself that you matter. Continue to cultivate rich friendships with people who value you and who have something to offer. Steer clear from envious others and those with an agenda. So much more I could say, but this is all for today.