5 Ways to Detach

While we're on the subject of Codependency and Detachment, I thought I'd write an article to help myself and you, my reader, in detaching from anything and everything necessary to live a happy, full and complete life. Let's start by making a list of things we may need to detach from as we venture on this journey of healing and recovery.

We may need to detach from any of the following: (Add your own too!!!)

• The opinions of other people in reference to our right to have and express our own individual needs.
• The opinions of other people relative to our behaviors, reactions, decisions within our relationships.
• The opinions of others regarding what we need in our relationships.
• The opinions of others regarding whom we should spend time with or not.
• The opinions of others regarding choices we make to attend certain events or not.
• The opinions of others regarding our healing journey.
• The opinions of others regarding our personal rights.
• The opinions of others regarding our enthusiasm and vibrancy.
• The opinions of others regarding how we live.
• The opinions of others regarding our needs in relationship and connection.
• The drama that other people bait us to engage in.
• The games people want us to play. 

5 Ways to Detach

1. Detach as a Mental Meditation

Just like the meditation practice of letting thoughts go by like clouds, you can detach from the opinions of others by letting them go. Don't judge yourself for caring about what the person thinks, has said or is saying, but rather, notice the thoughts and feelings, and just allow them to be there. Let these feelings or ruminations pass overhead in the sky like so many clouds. Watch the opinions of others pass you by. That feels good just writing it! #deepbreath #sigh

 2. Detach Emotionally

There are some things that can be known in the mind, but that don't quite penetrate the emotional part of us, our Inner Child. Detaching emotionally may require a few different things, such as expressing your feelings about the situation, talking to a safe friend, writing, journaling, doing art or doing some form of movement such as yoga, karate or dance. Maybe singing is your thing? Whatever it is, allow your inner child to express his or her feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness (sometimes it's lonely to stand up to others and not seek agreement from loved ones). Allow your Inner Child to let go in his or her time, all the while allowing your Healthy Adult Self to gently lead the way.

3. Detach by Self Validation

Validating yourself is a way of reparenting yourself using positive affirmations, self talk and I AM statements. Validating yourself is the process of telling yourself that "it's okay to let go." or perhaps, "That person is lashing out because of what's going on inside of them, don't take it personally." or "Your needs are valid. You have a right to need what you need regardless of what that lady thinks." or "Way to go! You just validated your need and asserted a boundary. You rock!" Self validation is about underscoring your own truth just like a healthy parent would.

4. Detach by Distraction

So often when we're addicted to people pleasing or getting the approval of others, we become almost obsessed to getting the consensus of those who are important to us. One way to override the obsessive rumination and fear of not pleasing others is to distract yourself with some other activity. Perhaps you can exercise, call a friend, go shopping or practice visualization techniques. Whatever it takes to get your mind off the person or people from whom you are detaching.

5. Detach by Your Higher Power

Admit to your Higher Power that you are powerless to the desire to get everyone to agree with you, to like you, to be pleased with you. Release this need to your Higher Power by doing a Step 1 and reciting the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."Your higher power will carry you through... God is stronger than your habit of people pleasing, fixing and rescuing others.


These are all healthy ways to detach from the drama and unhealthy, toxic behaviors of yourself and others. The more we detach from unhealthy relating, the more free we will be to allow good, nourishing people and experiences into our lives.

Here's to YOU. :)

Boundaries: Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

How to Identify People Pleasing Behavior

Are you a people pleaser? People pleasing is a symptom of low self esteem. It occurs when you think other people are more important than you. People pleasing stems from a need to prove yourself to others, or to make up for some perceived inadequacy you believe you have.

A people pleaser has an unconscious notion that he or she has to work overtime, or over compensate for some flaw inside. Feeling inadequate, insecure and unworthy can lead you to bending over backwards to make others happy. A people pleaser is a doormat who doesn't consider her own well being while going the extra mile for others. People Pleasers allow others to take advantage of them, and to disrespect them in numerous ways.

Ways to Be a People Pleaser

• You hang out with people you don't like just to have someone to hang out with.
• You go to church just to please your parents. 
• You play a sport you dislike just to be around cute guys (or girls).
• You buy someone lunch regularly without expecting them to buy yours sometimes.
• You fly across the US to go see them without them offering to come see you too.
• You talk to them on the phone when you'd rather be doing something else. 
• You go with them some place that you would rather not go.
• You overlook your responsibilities to make sure they are comfortable.
• You neglect your family to take care of the last minute whims of your boss. 
• You never make posts on Facebook that reflect your truth but that others may not agree.
• You continually call another person without getting reciprocation. 
• You allow another person to hurt you without letting them know and asking them to stop.
• You do things that are contrary to your values in order to make the other person like you. 

People who try to make everyone but themselves happy end up resentful, bitter and victimized. They are doing the work that belongs to other people, all the while cheating themselves of the energy they need to please themselves. 

It's one thing to be nice to others, to be generous and giving, but another to give everything you have away, be it time, money, resources, energy. Some may think that in order to be a "nice person," you have to make everyone happy. Others mistakenly believe they are bad when they can't make everyone happy, and this leads to guilt. You can never make everyone happy, so people pleasers tend to feel guilty most of the time.

Ask Yourself Why?

If you feel you are a people pleaser, you may need to take a step back and ask yourself why. What makes you feel you need to do so much for other people to make them happy? Why are you sacrificing your peace and happiness to give to other people in your life? Do you think that's your payment for being on planet earth? Do you not feel that you are worthy of just being who you are, expressing how you feel and taking care of yourself first? Do you think you're being noble? religious? Mother Teresa? Why are you so concerned that other people are happy without considering your own needs?

Next, you have to figure out how. How are you behaving in ways that are people pleasing? Here's a few questions to ask yourself when you're wondering if what you're doing is to please others or to please yourself.

1. Why am I doing this right now?
2. How do I feel about what this person is saying to me?
3. What am I trying to gain by doing what I'm doing right now?
4. What am I telling myself about why I'm doing what I'm doing?
5. What am I trying to get the other person to do by pleasing them?
6. What do I expect will happen if I succeed at pleasing this person?
7. What am I afraid will happen if this person is not pleased with me?
8. If the other person is pleased, how will I benefit?
9. Could I get what I want on my own without pleasing this person?
10. Am I in touch with my needs and wants enough to know that I'm sacrificing myself?
11. Is this person interested in reciprocal pleasing?
12. Do I resent what I'm doing to make this person happy while denying my own truth?
13. Am I compromising my values in order to be accepted and liked by this person?
14. Do I have the ability to say no and mean it?
15. What will happen if this person is unhappy with me? 

People pleasing is a form of manipulation. It's the process of trying to manage your image in the eyes of another person. Unfortunately, this indirect communication is sending the message that you feel unworthy of them and it causes them to disrespect you. It's impossible to respect a doormat.

You can't control what other people think of you, so give up. It's a lost cause. You will never win. Some people will always think you're crap and other people will love you. It's much easier to kick those who don't like you to the curb, and to hug those who love and respect you for who you are, without the fancy footwork.

People Pleasing Stems from Fear 

I think a big reason why people try so hard to make others happy at the expense of their own needs, wants, values and preferences is because of fear. People pleasers fear stuff like...

- Fear you're not good enough to assert yourself.
- Fear you'll be abandoned if you don't make the other person happy.
- Fear you might have to face the void in your own heart if you aren't accommodating to another.
- Fear you won't be liked and accepted.  (We all want and need that.)

The fact is that you are good enough to be who you are and to be loved at the same time. There is no need to pile on a bunch of extra stuff. Being nice is one thing, but over-giving is detrimental to your well being. You need the stuff that you give away in the people pleasing relational transaction.You need to keep some of you for you in order to have a fulfilling life. Trying to get other people to like you is not the path to peace, but rather, the path to pain. No one can give you the approval you need anyway; only you can give it to yourself.

Empower yourself! Think about what YOU want and what YOU need. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is not selfish to speak up for yourself. It is not selfish to say no to others. It is not selfish at all. You lose yourself when you try to make the whole world while ignoring your preferences, your values and your truth.

Taking the Leap from False Love to Real Love

Just as there is such a thing as a real self and a false self, there is real love and false love. Your real self is who you really are, without any molding your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to earn love. Your real self is spontaneous, alive and vibrant. A false self is created when you're focus is outside of yourself. When you're living for the approval of others, changing to be what you think others want you to be; not being true to you, rigid and false.

Real love is when you love without control, when your aim is giving instead of taking, unconditional. Real love is when you're accepted just as you are, imperfections and all. False love is when you desire make others love you, to control their thoughts, to be perfect enough to earn love and to be found worthy.

If you live from a false self, which is rooted in perfectionism and people pleasing, all you can do is take from others. The false self has nothing to offer but false love. What a sad place to be! You fear losing the approval of others because you wrongly believe your worth is wrapped up in what others think.

Living from your real self, which is rooted in unconditional acceptance, you're not afraid to lose the love of others because your self worth does not depend on any outside source. You do not engage in people pleasing behaviors because you have confidence in your own worth. You are rooted in grounded within your own heart. You trust your own voice and know that you are worthwhile. You are able to share this real love with others in your life out of the abundance of what is already inside of you.

You don't have to change who you are in order to be loved.
You are lovable just as you are...
Your expressions are uniquely you, and you are fine the way you are.
You are beautiful inside and out.
You are enough.
You don't have to add on to you anything else.
You don't have to overcompensate.
You are not deficit.
You are abundantly abundant, a radiant light of truth.
You are okay.

You don't need people in your life who try to change you.
You don't need people in your life who convey that who you are is not enough.
You don't need people in your life to watch your performance.
You don't need anyone who loves you falsely.
You don't need anyone who places conditions on you for acceptance.

Practice being who you really are.

Get out of your comfort zone and express your truth and share your reality. Go against the grain of who and how everyone around you--including society--prefers that you be. Be you--really BE YOU. It may be scary at first. You will get better with practice.

Center yourself inside. Get to know who you really are and how you really feel. Take your energy ad focus inside instead of outside. They can never do for you what you need done. You are in charge of determining your own worth, peace, happiness and joy. Get to know your heart. Give yourself the attention you deserve. Begin to accept yourself for who you are and express yourself openly. Make a pact with yourself that you will no longer adapt to earn love. You are lovely and wanted. You have what it takes.

Taking the leap from your false self to your real self, and to real love from false love is a giant process. It requires discipline and persistence. It hurts sometimes. Not everyone accepts you and that can be painful. But you don't need them anyway. If you are not loved for who you are, then you're not loved at all. Don't worry, you grow stronger as you take risks, letting your real self shine though little-by-little. Give yourself a break.

You will make mistakes along the way... You may deny your real self since that's what you've been trained to do. (At least you're noticing!) You may become confused as to what is the real you and what is not you... It takes work to untangle your feelings. You may not even know yet where you stop and they begin. It takes courage to face the original pain that caused you to build a false self in the beginning. Do not give up! Keep fighting! Keep digging out of the hole. Your real self is down there, deep inside... Let it out! Let yourself SHINE!

Learn to bare with the pain and not run away. You will not die. Every time you face your fears of losing love for being who you are, and you choose your own side, you grow stronger.

You are worthy of love just the way you are, flaws and all. Set boundaries around yourself with others that honor your unique self. Remove people from your life who expect you to be perfect. Set boundaries with those operating from a false self and giving you false love. Break the pattern of performance. Love yourself for who you are and require that others do the same.

Be mindful of what you're giving and receiving. Take notes of your thoughts. Keep a journal. Find supporters. Read books. Peruse blogs. Commit to finding out and expressing who you truly are...

This is the essence of Self Love. You had it in you all along. ❤