Differentiation & Healing from Attachment Trauma

This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 

IT'S SUPER GOOD!!! 

"From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀
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Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀
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Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀
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1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀
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2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀
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3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀
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4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀
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5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀
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6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀
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7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀
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8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀
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9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀
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10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀
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11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀
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12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS

There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.

Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.

And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.

A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.

At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.

So there you are.

Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.

Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.

Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.

Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.

Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.

Feeling strange being honest and real.

Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.

Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.

Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.

And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.

There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.

It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.

It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.
Jenna

Healing Developmental Trauma

Every single word of this is valuable. Listen.

The Language of Feelings (Video)

103 Things Codependents Don't Know

This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. 

1. Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
2. Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
3. Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
4. Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
5. Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
6. Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
7. Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
8. Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
9. Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
10. Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
11. Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
12. Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin. 
13. Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
14. Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
15. Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
16. Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
17. Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
18. Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
19. Codependents don't know what their own values are.
20. Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
21. Codependents don't really know what they need.
22. Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
23. Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
24. Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
25. Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
26. Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
27. Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
28. Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time. 
29. Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
30. Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
31. Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
32. Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
33. Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
34. Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
35. Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
36. Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
37. Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
38. Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
39. Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
40. Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
41. Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
42. Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
43. Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
44. Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
45. Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation  because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
46. Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
47. Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
48. Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
49. Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
50. Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
51. Codependents do not know themselves.
52. Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
53. Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source. 
54. Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
55. Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
56. Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
57. Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
58. Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white. 
59. Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
60. Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
61. Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
62. Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
63. Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
64. Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
65. Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
66. Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
67. Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
68. Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
69. Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
70. Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
71. Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
72. Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
73. Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
74. Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
75. Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
76. Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
77. Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
    
78. Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
79. Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
80. Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
81. Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
82. Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
     
83. Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
84. Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
85. Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
86. Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
87. Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
88. Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
89. Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
90. Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
91. Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
92. Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
93. Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
94. Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance. 
95. Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
96. Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
97. Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
98. Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
99. Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
100. Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
101. Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
102. Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
103. Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.

How to Stop Loving the Narcissist & Start Loving Yourself (Video)

Mindfulness Practice for Healing

A huge part of my healing journey from self loathing to self love has been Mindfulness Practice. Without this technique and way of life, I could never be fully healed.

Mindfulness does so many things, one of which is that it gives you space. Space between the past and present, between stimulus and response, between your emotions and your reason, between thoughts and feelings, between inner critic and true self, between self and higher self, between self and God, between what you want to do and what is effective--and so much more. 

Without a mindfulness practice, which I work each and every day as often as possible, I could only be healed up to a point. With mindfulness practice, I am coming in complete control of how I feel, how I react and how I live my life. I cannot say enough good things about Mindfulness and Meditation Practice. I do it every single day.

One Safe Place (Song)

A Good Person vs. A Narcissist

Are you someone who has been abused by a malignant narcissist? If so, then you may need a little help in discerning who is good for you, and who will only use and discard you.

A good man or woman has real feelings and shows weaknesses, and this is unattractive to someone who is attracted to the perfection of the narcissist. A narcissist has fake feelings and pretends to be perfect. This feeds into our own feelings of inadequacy. Somehow we think they will externally make up for what we're missing internally.

The narcissist is perfect in a way because he or she does not have feelings. That does give them an advantage over others, but it is not conducive to a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship. Plus, deep down inside the narcissist is empty, alone, fearful and in constant need of narcissistic supply from others. Yet, those of us who are wounded internally are unconsciously seeking a relationship with someone who will not have feelings for us because we are trying to:

1. Repeat the abuse from our childhood and fix it (repetition compulsion).
2. Verify ourselves as unlovable, thus proving ourselves right.
3. Learned behavioral habit due to drama triangle and/or trauma bonds.

You have to know how to walk away. Be willing to stand for what you want over wanting to keep the relationship going. You have to love yourself more than you love the idea of being in a relationship with any person. You have to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that is not nourishing to you. Your dignity must be non-negotiable or you will stay where you are forever and never find and receive the love you deserve. The time is now to figure out what it is inside of you that is attracted to someone who can never give you the love you need and want.

Self Abandonment 

The reason you're susceptible to the narcissist's lies is because there is something about your own self from which you are disconnected. If you are caught up in the narcissistic trance, then you are abandoning yourself in some way. You are not aligned with source inside yourself, with the truth of who you are if you fall for the narcissist's trap. You are unaware of your own ability to complete yourself if you are prone to narcissistic abuse. You are not looking for real love if you fall for a narcissist; you are looking for conditional love to fill up a missing part of yourself that should have been filled in childhood between the ages of 0 to 7 years old.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you may have had difficulties your whole life in feeling "normal." Perhaps you've looked around to see what normal is, only to find advertisements of perfect people, and seemingly perfect relationships between perfectly suited people all around you. Maybe, in effort to be normal and perfect, you're unconsciously trying to get someone in your life who fits your skewed vision of normality and okay-ness.

Maybe deep down, you have a false core belief that you're not as good as other people, but that if you could just obtain a "perfect" and "normal" relationship with one of these perfect people, that you can finally love yourself. That is a version of "If I could just... then I will be okay."

So you set out to find love for yourself externally, through the perfect narcissist. In essence, the narcissist is not a person to you either. Just like the narcissist objectifies you, you objectify the narcissist by making him or her a psychological construct for you to feel better about yourself. This will never work. You can only love yourself by doing the hard work within your own heart for yourself, by yourself and with yourself. Self Love is the only answer to narcissistic abuse.

A good person, a real person who offers true, unconditional love and who has real feelings may not be interesting to you if you are one who has abandoned yourself by trying to get externally what only comes from within. A good person may be repulsive to you if you do not feel good about yourself. You think you need someone to substantiate your worth externally--this is something that the narcissist promises to do but fails to deliver. A good person who is capable of loving you will not promise directly or indirectly to make up for the things you lack. Since what you are needing is to love yourself, you will forever fall prey to the narcissistic personality and narcissistic abuse until you learn to give yourself what you're needing and to stop abandoning yourself for the promises of grandeur you receive from the narcissist.

• Real people are NOT PERFECT. 
• Real people will show weakness.
• Real people will not say everything you want to hear.
• Real people may seem weak.
• Real people share real feelings.
• Real people may not be in awe of you like the narc is at first. 
• Real people may not be as smooth or slick.
• Real people may be a little nervous and rickety. 
• Real people are terrible at playing games.

 A real person is the only type of person who can give you the love you need. If you have something skewed internally, as in, a negative core belief that you are worthless, then you may not be able to receive the real, unconditional love that a real person has to offer. Herein lies your work. Learning to overcome negative core beliefs with the truth of who you are. Learning to let real love in by first loving yourself. Staying present with yourself and unlearning the behaviors and patterns that keep you trapped in the unhealthy trance of loving the narcissist who can never love you back. Learn to recognize the warning signs and protect yourself against narcissists in the future.

Good people are everywhere. Love is all around you. The key for you is to love yourself first so that you can recognize real love, real empathy and real compassion whenever it comes your way.

Good luck! 

JLR

Should You Embrace Or Reject Your Inner Critic?

This is an excerpt of a blog comment I just wrote on a beautiful blog post. I thought it may be helpful for you. See original comment.  And please leave me a comment or send me a private message on the SelfLoveU Facebook Page telling me how this work is affecting you (I am the only one who sees it and your message will be confidential, unless you give me permission to share). I love hearing from you. It keeps me going.

Embrace the negative or eject it? I know it’s important that we embrace our whole selves, however, I feel that parts of us that are divided against the well being of the whole (even if they’re trying to protect us), should be kicked out, separated, banished, shoved against the wall, kicked to the moon.

That Imago Interject is the voice of the abuse. It’s insidious. When you are hurting inside and in pain because of something your subconscious is telling you… things you were taught about yourself as a child, under all the layers, keep repeating themselves over and over and repeating the trauma. We’re programmed to do it to ourselves. The pain our wounded child feels is the result of these false messages. It’s despair.

There is no power in despair. But, there is power in anger. Even the body response is different, more alert, upright and ready for action. Tapping into our anger inside against the false messages that are inside. Getting mad at the injustice our own hearts spew without conscious awareness. Standing up to the Inner Critic has helped me to access my own power and given me the ability to set boundaries within and without against criticism and conditional love.

My Inner Critic is never sad, confused or angry. It is just cognitively and constantly saying that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t go that deep, however, it wounds deep. My Inner Critic is not in my limbic, it’s in my Cerebral Cortex. It’s the judgment piece, which takes critical thinking, which is higher level, more cerebral than the wounds of my inner child (the emotional part).

I love the way Peter Walker, MA Psychotherapist explains how to deal with the inner critic. I’ve read it many, many times.

http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Once I started rebelling against the negative inner voices, I stopped hurting. There was no hurt in that area for the inner child to be hurt. It feels like I embraced the hurt not by holding onto it, but by kicking butt internally. Stopping the bleeding. Standing up to the Inner Critic has made all the difference. 1000s of little hurts, but one at a time.

25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit

The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect

This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships.  I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.  

Also, sign up to receive notifications for new posts in the column on the right.

This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.

Codependency is a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain. You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you. The list below will show you specifically how you may be doing this with friends, family, lovers, children or spouses.

A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.

A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.

Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.

One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?

1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.

2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.

3. I give too much benefit of the doubt. When my boundaries are violated or someone disrespects me, I automatically assume they aren't aware of what they're doing. I immediately forgive them without protecting myself first. Instead of standing up for myself, I attempt to convince them that what they are doing is wrong. This is back-ass-wards. Why do I keep teaching them how to wipe?

4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.

5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.

6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.

7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.

8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.

9.  I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!

10. I am blind to the truth that another person will hurt me on purpose. I can't fathom that someone I love and care about will hurt me in any way (consciously or unconsciously). Instead of protecting myself and setting limits, I try to get them to see the err of their ways. I abandon my own identity in favor of helping them validate my identity for me. (C'mon and cooperate will ya???) Although I'm learning that it's not healthy to assume that others (even those you love) will always be giving, loyal and thinking of my best interests. Even the nicest people in the world take advantage of you if you let them. Someone has to take care of me... plus, there are some real wounded assholes out there. Pew wee.

11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.

12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.

13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.

14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.

15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.

16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...

17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.

18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic.  I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.

19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response? 

20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...

21.  When offenses add up, I feel guilty for "over-reacting."  Instead of taking care of myself throughout the relationship, I allow the other person to walk over me little-by-little. When the offenses add up, I get angry and emotional. This angry outburst leads me to feel guilty. Then, I feel so badly that I forget the original violation. This wrong feeling causes me to blame myself for everything and kiss butt even more.

21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.

22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.

23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing. 

24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.

25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.

BONUS 26:  

Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me.  Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.

BONUS 27:

I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.

BONUS 28:

I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles.  I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.

BONUS 29:

I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.

We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others.

Awareness is 99% of the game. Just knowing how you truly think and feel is half the battle, but it is in the implementation of what you know that your true power arises. If you were raised to relate codependently, you will need to be extremely mindful of your current relationship patterns as well as the underlying motivations and intentions for your behavior. Examine everything. Life is a classroom and your lesson is learning to love and value yourself on all levels. I have confidence that both of us will pass the test. Btttttttt

Thoughts?

*Why do I let people treat me like shit?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?

Those Who Harmed You Cannot Heal You

This is a really good post by Wounded Child Coaching. So good, in fact, that I decided to share it with you here. Take care, Jenna


"The wise among us realized that the acceptance will never come, and that this is a death that we have to accept, the death of a relationship. When we hold onto it, we are holding onto a corpse. There was never any life in our relationship with our abuser. We were asking for souls in the soulless."

Post by Wounded Child Coaching.

THOSE THAT HARMED YOU CANNOT HEAL YOU

Yet this is the justice that we long for in our souls: to be suddenly loved by those who abused us. We hold onto that hope. This is what we did as children. We forgave and forgave, always in the hope that this time, we would do the “right thing” to please our abuser so that we would be welcome and the abuse would stop.

Often, things got better for a while. We let our hopes up that finally we had done whatever manner of atonement required to be forgiven of what we knew not, so that we could be received with love and care and safety. Those times were short-lived. The abuse would resume with a vengeance, so we always lived with our guard up. The attacks would often be random, so we were always on edge.
Yet we kept going back to our abuser, hoping to be forgiven, hoping to be loved. We sought our healing through their acceptance. For most of us, that acceptance has never come.

The wise among us realized that the acceptance will never come, and that this is a death that we have to accept, the death of a relationship. When we hold onto it, we are holding onto a corpse. There was never any life in our relationship with our abuser. We were asking for souls in the soulless.
Yet even as adults, we still seek healing from them, and end up taking the same abuse from them in adulthood that we suffered as children. Only now it’s more subtle, and deeper into our minds and souls. The punishment is in words that we allow to pierce us. We allow it because we willingly step into range of our living abusers’ arrows.

We look to them to heal us, and they return fire with arrows that dig deeper than when we were children.

They cannot heal us. They are only capable of harm. We do not have to put ourselves in range of their arrows. We couldn’t be free from them when we were children, but we can be free from them now! They will do harm to us as long as they have breath in their lungs. They can be fathers, mothers, ex-spouses, and even one’s own children.

When we turn our backs on them, they will attack us with guilt and obligation. But we’ve never been malicious. We are guilty of nothing. To heal, we must walk away from them and no longer allow them to harm us.

We may take huge losses in doing so. I have taken mine, and it is the greatest loss of my life. I know the pain of malice, and of malice that follows you. I took my loss and moved towards healing. For to not take the loss, and to still bleed from it, I would never have healed.

We can choose to bleed from emotional wounds. Or we can choose to not be wounded.
We, as Wounded Children, have to reach that place where we seek our healing over and above all things, including relationships. We must choose to no longer go to have our wounds tended where we received them.

This is the message of Wounded Child Coaching. I tell the story of a “Journey” that everyone must take to heal. I call it the “Wounded Child’s Journey.” It takes you from the place of being a victim to a place of true thriving, a place of growth, peace and self-love

Visit http://woundedchildsjourney.com

InBrief: The Science of Neglect

Core Wounds

Core wounds are wounds that occurred in childhood. These are wounds that happen when one is not tended to properly as a child through neglect, abuse or maltreatment. Parents can damage the core essence of their children without even knowing it. Some caretakers are deficit in their own needs and are unable to give to their child. In fact, the way our culture raises children leads to much core wounding among us all. Everyone has core wounds at some level--some have it worse than others.

The core wound is experienced as deep-level pain due to some unmet childhood development need.  This pain is triggered in current day situations when you encounter a similar situation or dynamic. It's the deep stuff that surfaces when you face difficult losses in life. It's the pain that is beneath the pain. The emotion that's fueling all emotions. It's the pain that drives one to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, shop or addictive relationships.

Core wounds include rejection, abandonment, betrayal, loss, injustice and the like. When our needs are not met as children, we experience the core wound and we experience toxic shame. We believe that because we were rejected or abandoned or that we lost a parent or a friend, that we are bad. We turn the external maltreatment internal and onto ourselves. The wound produces beliefs. These beliefs are what perpetuate the wound over and over and over until we die or the wound is healed.


People do anything to avoid their core wounds. Core wounds are the lie that says:

"You're not good enough."
"You're incompetent."
"Nobody loves you."
"You are worthless."

These voices in both your subconscious and conscious mind repeat over and over in myriad ways throughout your life unless they are healed. You will find yourself getting into scenarios again and again that prove your false beliefs to be true. Your core wounds are the fuel for false beliefs.

Healing the core wounds takes a lot of devastating work; much personal destruction and rebuilding. It is a painful process, but in the healing you find pieces of yourself you didn't know you needed. In the center of the core wound you find the parts of yourself that you needed in order to discontinue the wounding. These parts of you are frozen, blocked in a centrifuge of pain, shame, anger, rage, humiliation, rejection and self-hatred. This wound perpetuates itself like a cancer through your body, heart, soul and mind. This wound effects your perceptions, feelings, behaviors and life. The thing you need to protect you against this core wounding is located at the very center of the pain. The key to setting you free is found at the center of the wound. If you want healing, you have to go into the eye of the storm.

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
4. Blaming self.
5. Addiction of any kind.
6. Impulsive behaviors.
7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
8. Not practicing good enough self care.
9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
10. Not speaking your truth.
11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
13. Over scheduling yourself.
14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
17. Trying to win approval of others.
18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
22. Loving others too much.
23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
26. Not taking care of your health.
27. Working too much, too hard.
28. Longing for another person
29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
33. Gossiping about others.
34. Stuffing your emotions.
35. Being overly critical of yourself.
36. Being overly critical of others.
37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
38. Living life vicariously through your children.
39. Striving.
40. Perfectionism.
41. Needing too much attention from others.
42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
44. Allowing someone else to define you.
45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
48. Trying to fix another person.
49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
50. Not accepting yourself.
51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
52. Judging yourself or others.
53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
54. Beating yourself up.
55. Negative self talk.
56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
57. Withdrawing from social contact.
58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
60. Ignoring your own needs.
61. Invalidating yourself.
62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
63. Living in denial.
64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
69. Blaming others.
70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
71. Being a Doormat
72. Masking your emotions.
73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
74. Not protecting yourself.
75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
78. Not learning from mistakes.
79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
80. Pushing yourself too hard.
81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
82. Operate as “less-than” others.
83. Partaking in psychological games.
84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
88. Fearing abandonment.
89. Fearing rejection.
90. Putting yourself down.
91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
95. Failing to take action.
96. Making excuses.
97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
98. Hating your imperfections.
99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
101. Needing another person.
102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
103. Trying to help too much.
104. Giving too much.
105. Being negative about your life.
106. Staying stuck where you are.
107. Isolating yourself.
108. Hurting other people.
109. Exploiting other people.
110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
111. Treating yourself like crap.
112. Criticizing yourself.
113. Judging yourself harshly.
114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)

Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.

Schema Healing for Negative Core Beliefs

Hi Everyone!!!

It's been a while since I've posted, not for lack of material. Lack of time. I've been in DEEP HEALING mode every single day this year; learning an extraordinary amount of information about how to truly love yourself. I've implemented much in my own life--my life is undergoing dramatic transformation.

I've been in a deep state of Self Love, going deeper and farther into the concept than I ever dreamed, learning the essence of loving yourself and finding that self condemnation hides in the cracks and crevices of the mind, body, feelings, behavior and actions.

One of the ways I've been taking care of myself is writing just for myself. Not blogging it. Not sharing it. In many instances not even discussing it with a human being. I write in my journal, really letting the data soak in so I can apply it to my own life. I'm saving it all and hoping to put it in my book (to be released once I'm to that point in my transformation).

What I've been learning is a lot about schemas, or as Abraham Hicks would say, the grid--similar to your mindset. Your SCHEMA is something that you use to process the vast information around you. Your schema is the template you use to make quick decisions in your life and your relationships.

Your Schema is your template. If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you likely have a damaged schema, or what psychotherapists call "maladaptive schema." Your schema holds all your core beliefs. If you accidentally believed a lie as a child (or several lies), then you likely have a schema that needs healing.

When a schema is healed you go from a negative core belief, "I am bad," to a more ADAPTIVE SCHEMA which is, "I am okay." The trick is, how do you go from a negative core belief--the deepest part of your being--to a positive one? How does this happen? Is it really possible?

Yes. It is possible and I've found the pathway to achieving a reversal of the lie at the root of your soul that says:

• You are defective.
• You are disconnected and alone.
• You are not enough.
• You are incompetent.
• You are a failure.
• You will die of some horrible disease.
• You are beneath other people.
• You must surrender to bossy people.
• You can't stand up to people or you'll be rejected.
• You must be nice to everyone no matter what.

Yes, my friends. Those are schemas. Actually, those sentences above represent several different schemas. There is entire categories dedicated to the messed up grid you have in your mind that filters all the information coming to you. It's crazy! Here is a quick short list of some of the things I've been learning about schemas: 

• Maladaptive schemas derive from unmet needs in childhood.
• Healed schemas are called "Adaptive Schemas."
• Negative schemas fill in the gap between you and the childhood development need that was never met.
• Maladaptive Schemas are negative conclusions that you made about yourself, others and life in general as a result of getting the wrong messages about your worth when you were a child.
• There are 12 primary schemas.
• Which negative schema you have determines that level of damage that needs to be healed.
• Each negative schema is pervasive and impacts all your thoughts, actions, decisions, feelings, EVERYTHING.
• If you continue to operate as if the negative core beliefs you have are true, then you will continue to manifest negative results.
• "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Core beliefs are the ultimate level that you may need to change if you have any doubts about your worth, value or capabilities.
• Healing your schema is very difficult, but will change your life on multiple levels.
  
• Healing your schema involves arguing logically with the initial core belief, presenting evidence to yourself of your worth and value that your mind is currently ignoring...
• Healing from the maladaptive schemas you've adopted requires that you do several things, including make changes to behavior which perpetuates the negativity in your life. 

 This is so exciting, y'all!!! I can't wait to share more about what I'm learning!!! My latest task is to label and organize my negative core beliefs. It is not fun, I might add... but I know that nothing worth having comes cheap, easy or free, so I'm paying the price to get beyond my own mental limitations--limiting beliefs. I want to SOAR as high as I can go--and I will stop at nothing to experience the highest level of emotional and spiritual healing possible for me here on earth. I'm hungry for consciousness, awareness, knowledge, wisdom and understanding. I'm fascinated by the ways I can facilitate the healing of my own internal weaknesses. 

It's a beautiful thang. ;-)

Much love and respect towards you, my friend...

(c) Jenna Ryan - All Rights Reserved

Psychedlics for Emotional Healing

How Psychedelics Saved My Life - Amber Lyons, Emmy Winning Journalist

Ecstasy and Acid in Your Medicine Cabinet? Doctors Explore Psychedelics

Rejecting Behavior in Relationships

One of the epiphanies discovered on my road to loving myself is how to steer clear of relationships that are harmful and that deplete my self esteem, sense of worth and self respect. As a child I grew up in an invalidating environment; this means that I wasn't accepted for who I am. When you grow up being rejected, you continue seeking out people who will reject you when you're an adult, until and unless you wake up and put a stop to old habits.

While blooming into a whole, complete, healed person, I slowly figured out what rejecting behavior is. I was so accustomed to being discounted, devalued, dismissed by my caretakers as a child, as an adult I didn't even realize I was being rejected when I was. All I knew was that I hurt inside, felt depressed and had low levels of self esteem.

I'm writing this article to encourage you, dear reader, if you're battling to love yourself and to grow into a whole and complete person with self acceptance. Below I list some indications of rejection from others, but first, let me say that YOU DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED. You do not deserve to be rejected in any way shape or form. You do not have to tolerate rejecting behavior of others. You are an adult today (if you're reading this, I assume) and you can take action to PROTECT yourself from rejection.

Rejection depletes your self esteem, makes you feel ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. Some people have very rejecting attitudes inside themselves about themselves, as well is about others. These are not bad people, per say, but they have toxic styles of relating which need to be remedied. If you love yourself you will require that everyone around you accept you for who you are, or else you will not stick around. You do have a choice. Always choose your dignity over a rejecting relationship.

Subtle Rejection

Rejection can be very subtle and sometimes covert. It's not always going to hit you upside the head. You will notice, however, when in the presence of a rejecting person, that you feel icky after being around them. When you feel uneasy about being around someone, there could be some undercurrent of rejection that you're not consciously aware of.

Mixed Messages

Rarely will you be wholly rejected by another person. Of course, all but those with zero self esteem will walk away from a relationship where you get nothing but rejection. Oftentimes a person who treats you with rejecting behavior will do so with mixed messages. IE: Come close, get away. This is a game that people play when they are insecure and fearful of intimacy, or have some psychological need to make themselves feel superior by putting you out.

If you grew up in a rejecting environment, you may also feel compelled to fix the opinion of someone who rejects you in adulthood as a way of repairing the wound that occurred when you were first rejected. This is what Freud calls the "Repetition Compulsion." This may cause you to seek out rejecting partners who will end up hurting you in the end. In fact, you may feel more comfortable with rejecting people than you do with those who accept you--that is if you are already rejecting yourself.

In fact, you would only tolerate rejecting behavior in others toward you if you already reject yourself in that same way. Rejecting behavior would feel bizarre and awkward to someone who loves and accepts herself or himself. The goal in growth and self love should be to feel it in your gut when someone is rejecting, cold and invalidating toward you. 

• Keeps records of your mistakes. Keeps them in one-up, superior position and looking down on you. 
  
• Refuses to listen to your truth. If someone refuses to listen to you, this is very rejecting behavior. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not flexible enough to hear things they don't want to hear from you.
  
• Runs hot and cold. See mixed messages. Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde Syndrome. One minute they're nice and sweet, the next their raging and insensitive.
  
• Does not consider your feelings. Does whatever they want without considering the impact to your feelings. This is rejection of your humanity when it is done continually despite you letting that person know that it hurts you.
  
• Blames you for everything. Does not take responsibility for their behavior. This is also rejecting of your humanity. No person is perfect. If they think they're perfect then you can bet they'll be projecting their imperfections they can't accept onto you--steer clear.
  
• Makes sarcastic comments about your life. A rejecting person looks down on you. You can tell by the little comments they make when you're expressing things about your life. They may make comments that make you feel like you have to prove yourself.
  
• Positions themselves as higher than you. A rejecting person wrongfully ranks others as greater or lesser than themselves. They may have a need to put you down as they use that to increase their self esteem, albeit temporarily.