Friday, November 4, 2016

Affirmations for Detaching from Hurtful Persons

  • I am my own person. I do not need to worry about what __ is doing or thinking.
  • That person is not my responsibility. My energy is better used focusing on bettering my life.
  • That person has proven to me that he/she is selfish and uncaring about me, my feelings; therefore, that person is life poison in my life. I reject that poison. 
  • I feel pain because I am walking away from a hurtful relationship. That is okay. I am strong and I can handle my pain. That doesn't mean I need to allow that hurtful person back into my life. I can be here for myself in the present moment. 
  • That person has hurt me with their words, actions, etc... They do not deserve my thoughts, energy or attention.
  • I have a right to walk away from anyone who does not treat me with the respect I deserve.
  • I am smart enough to know when someone is treating me poorly or not. I do not need to get anyone else's approval for my decision to walk away from hurtful person.
  • Anyone who tries to tell me to reconcile with that hurtful person is an accomplice and is collaborating with the abusive, hurtful person. I know this and will set boundaries and limits with 3rd parties, as well as directly with the abusive person.
  • I will not tell the story of how this person hurt me to other people in order to gain approval and affirmation. I know what is best for me, and I trust myself to know what's best for me. 
  • That person proved to me that he or she doesn't have respect for me. There is no need for me to continue to be concerned about them anymore because that would be abandoning and neglecting my own best interests. I must take care of myself. 
  • That person is selfish and not pleasant to be around. That person makes me feel like I am less-than them, when the truth is I am equal and I deserve respect. I will set boundaries and walk away from relationships with selfish people who refuse to show me respect. 
  • It is right for me to walk away from hurtful people.
  • It doesn't matter if someone else disagrees with me regarding the poor behavior of an abusive, hurtful person. Not everyone has to agree for me to know that I'm doing the right thing for me.
  • It's no one else's business who I cut out of my life or who I confront for poor behavior towards me. I am my own person--I am not dependent upon the approval of others. 
  • I have made that person a bigger deal to myself than I should have. Now that I am aware, I'm going to shrink their importance inside my mind and focus on what's best for me.
  • I believe in myself. I know who is right for me. I do what is right for me whenever I am aware of what is best. 
  • People who truly love and care about me will support my decision to get this toxic person out of my life.
  • If that person really cared, loved and respected me, he or she would not have been crappy to me.  
  • Letting go of this person will not ruin my life. This person is not my last friend, last boyfriend, last girlfriend, last family member. I will heal and move on and better company will take his or her place. 
  • I will be stronger in the long run and happier without that toxic person in my life. 
  • That person may need me to feed their ego and make them feel important, but I have resigned from that position and choose to take care of myself instead. 
  • I believe in me and I believe in my future.
  • It may hurt to be alone for a while as that hurtful person took up a lot of my energy before, but I know that the sun will rise again. I know that I will find better people now that I realize I deserve better.

25 Ways to Stop Caring About a Hurtful Person

 This article contains healing crystals of understanding that I've gained along the way. It's hard to let go of narcissistic, hurtful, exploitative and abusive people, especially when you were raised in an abusive environment. We feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and wrong. The truth is, we are NOT HOPELESS. We can CHOOSE today to let go of hurtful people and embrace ourselves. There is a lot of value inside of you that you may be spewing / projecting onto a hurtful person. This list is about how to stop doing that. Love to you. Enjoy! Also, see these Affirmations for Over Empathizing
  1. Every time you think good thoughts about that abusive person, remind yourself of how they are not good for you.
  2. When you find yourself feeling concerned for a person who has treated you poorly and has chosen not to stop or respect your boundaries, remind yourself that you are better than that.
  3. Build a relationship with yourself inside yourself that is between your wise, parental part and your lower, more vulnerable child part.
  4. Treat your inner child with love and respect so you will become immediately aware when you're being mistreated. Awareness is a huge piece of it. 
  5. Protect your inner child, vulnerable, trusting part with your strong, wise, intelligent, healed inner adult.
  6. Make yourself bigger and other people smaller in your own minds eye.
  7. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize when your vulnerable inner child is seeking approval from people who are abusive, mean and exploitive. 
  8. Reparent your inner child by reminding yourself that you are a valuable, worthy being who deserves love and respect.
  9. Remind your inner child that you do not need the outside person who is hurtful to you.
  10. Remind your inner child of other things you can do besides focusing on a hurtful person.
  11. Remind your inner child that it doesn't matter what other people think of your decision to be strong and protect yourself.
  12. Remind your inner child that you are an adult and you are strong and you can protect yourself.
  13. Remind your inner child that you are no longer little, but that you are an adult now and you have resources to protect yourself and stand up to hurtful people.
  14. Remind yourself that you do not need this hurtful person in your life, and that the hurtful person's opinions, thoughts have nothing to do with you.
  15. Remind yourself that you are better off without the hurtful person.
  16. Distract yourself by focusing on something that is beneficial to you, rather than focusing on the hurtful person.
  17. Give yourself a break if you happen to forget and slip up and allow the hurtful person access back into your life. Don't shame yourself for making mistakes. You are growing, you will get there.
  18. Set boundaries with unhealthy people. 
  19. Work on your internal self-talk. Listen to what you are saying to yourself about you and this hurtful person. Create mantras and affirmations that affirm your worth and that help you to remember that you are more valuable to you than this outside person.
  20. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the abuse this hurtful person has inflicted upon you.
  21. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the guilt you feel for letting the abusive person go.
  22. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the responsibility you feel for care taking someone who does not have your best interests at heart. 
  23. Affirm yourself whenever you take action to stop hurtful people from damaging you.
  24. Affirm yourself with positive mantras constantly whenever you hear the internal critic shaming you for protecting yourself from hurtful others.
  25. Remind yourself that you are not responsible to take care of the needs of hurtful people. You are free to detach and take care of you.

Now, take a moment to sit down and journal about this list. Think about how you are allowing a hurtful person access to your vulnerable inner child. Think about the items on this list that resound to your heart. Think of your weak areas. Think of your strong areas. What are some things you can do to strengthen parts of yourself listed above so that you can start taking better care of yourself and keep bad people out-of-your life? Journal, journal, journal... Talk to a safe other. That's how you do it. That is the process for learning your worth and value. You can do it!!! I have faith in you. 

How to Walk Away

I need to do a video on this, but I'm extremely busy with my real estate practice.

I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?

Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.

You have to build internal boundaries inside your own psyche. You have to open up the enmeshment like an accordion and let your true self rise up to protect you. You have to allow your anger to surface, and get in touch with your sense of self protection. You have to unravel the trauma bonds. You have to deal with original relationship issues so that you have better internal eyesight when dealing with harmful others. You have to grieve, readjust your thinking and grow into a differentiated human being who doesn't need or rely on external sources of validation. All this you must do!!! It's a long road, but can be done if you work hard, seek guidance and do not give up. ~ Jenna

An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.

If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it. 

Monday, October 31, 2016

Remember, You're the Prize

Feeding someone's ego can be a form of care taking. When someone baits you to make them feel like they're more valuable than you, or that you are less than them--and when you take the bait and react--this can be a form of care taking. It may feel like the easiest route, but quite covertly, submitting to the agreement that someone else is worth idealization, awe or unmerited favor actually drains your sense of self. Propping someone up can be a form of handing over your dignity.

Examples of feeding the ego of another person include:

ALLOWING ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR TO REPEATEDLY AFFECT YOU IN A NEGATIVE WAY EMOTIONALLY.

PRETENDING LIKE IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU POORLY, DISRESPECTS YOU, EXPLOITS YOU.

GIVING SOMEONE ATTENTION, TIME, AFFECTION WHO HAS DISRESPECTED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOT MADE AMENDS OR APOLOGIZED.

It doesn't seem like care taking, but codependency takes myriad forms. You are over-empathizing, over care taking for another person when that person baits you to react and you react in a way that makes them feel important. Screw them. Train yourself to detach and let go from that drama trauma bond. Remember who you are. Soothe your own need for validation. No one outside of you can do what only you can do for yourself--so do yourself a favor and RESPECT YOURSELF enough to take care of you.

This is common in codependent / narcissist relationships. Where the narcissist is the prize and the codependent plays the role of a piece of trash. Watch for it in your engagements if you are recovering from this mess.

Nobody is worthy of you experiencing repeated negative emotion.

Nobody is worthy of you bowing down and submitting your needs.

Nobody deserves your beautiful presence if they are rude to you.

You deserve to be treated with respect at all times with every one you encounter. If you're treated badly or your boundaries are violated, then you must set boundaries internally and externally. Remind yourself of who you are, remind the other of who you are, and be prepared to walk away from any one at any time who fails to respect your rights, your needs, your feelings.

You don't have to fall into the same routine and move to the same dance you've always danced. You can step out of the sequence and choose self-respecting actions, behaviors, thoughts and eventually feelings.

Don't do the heavy-lifting of someone else's ego. You have your own self to uphold.

****** side note *******

CARE TAKING may also have something to do with the "fawn" response. That is, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response from CPTSD / attachment trauma that Pete Walker speaks about in his fabulous writings. That automatic care taking, fawning behavior that is triggered in light of abandonment fears, that overriding of the cerebral cortex--fawning as a survival reflex. I've read this article over and over and over and over....

The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Codependency & Caretaking

It's tempting for those of us who are recovering from codependency to engage in caretaking of others. This is a behavior that's learned in early childhood, where a child learns to take care of the needs of the caretaker instead of the caretaker noticing and meeting the needs of the child. This care taking behavior helps the child to survive, but becomes hurtful to relationships in adulthood.

The care taking behavior continues throughout life as this is the only internal working model the abused person has for relationships. He finds his value in taking care of the needs of others, and he expects not to get his own needs met. His own needs do not go away, but grow more fierce as the needs are replaced with toxic shame, and more care taking.

Care taking is taking care of the emotional needs of someone else; needs that they should be tending to themselves, or through their own professional counselor. Care taking is a compulsive behavior that wrecks relationships as it is the manifestation of codependency. It involves helping someone, rescuing them from their own behaviors.

Here's a few examples of emotional care taking that damages both parties:

A. Denying ones own needs in order to appease another person in an adult relationship.

B. Refusing to share your true feelings about the behavior of another person.

C. Refusing to ask for what you need because you don't want to be a "burden" on someone.

D. Taking the blame for causing the emotional over reaction of your partner, friend or spouse.

E. Remaining in a relationship where the other person is addicted to a substance such as gambling, sex, drugs or alcohol.

F. Listening to a friend lament constantly about his or her problems without any actions taken to improve their lives.

G. Allowing a narcissist to abuse and manipulate you.

H. Enabling someone to rely on you for something they should be doing for themselves.

I. Allowing your life to be ruled by the emotional fluctuations of a Borderline person.

I find that care taking is a compulsive behavior for codependent people. That means, it's automatic. You don't even realize you're engaging in it. You just automatically jump in there and pick up the slack of anyone who needs a "boost."

In recovery it becomes most important to take care of OURSELVES. It is not our job to make other people feel comfortable at the expense of ourselves. It's not our job to look the other way as someone we love abuses us, disregards us, disrespects or exploits us. It's not our job to make excuses for someone who is ignoring our needs while succumbing to their addictions. It is our job to draw a line in the and and say, NO. I care about ME. And I will not engage in caretaking with you.

It is our job to set boundaries internally within our own hearts that are like alarms or signals of awareness that we are engaging in caretaking behaviors that will eventually bleed us dry if we don't stop the violation. It is our job to set limits and boundaries with others.

We have to catch ourselves when we try to help others too much, when we over empathize and over give to the point that we ourselves are being ignored. We have to catch ourselves and stop ourselves, regroup and reorganize. We have to focus on ourselves and let other people have their own problems. We have to be separate. We must let go of the enmeshment and be our own person.