Saturday, May 13, 2017

The Abandoned Baby Racoon


I rescued a baby racoon today. I was running around the lake prepping for a triathlon near my home in Dallas and there it was. A riveting baby racoon. An abandoned, alone, terrified, petrified, hungry, desperate baby racoon was there in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I videoed it to get advice from my Facebook friends. I was empathetic, yet scared of this wild animal. Why? I don't know. That's not my point.

Anyway, the point I want to make in this post is that this is a baby. All alone in a scary world. All it has is its cute face and adorable noises to get by and survive. I could have been anyone. I could have been a predator. This baby was wide open for harm. No one was there to protect it. It had no shelter. It had no adult racoon by its side. It had no dignity.

All this baby knew is that it needed me. It needed me and it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I'm not a racoon. It didn't matter that I can't raise it and teach it what it needs. It didn't matter. This baby needed love and protection. It came to me, not like a wild animal trained in the wild, but like a breath of life, in need of love and protection. It didn't do anything to deserve to be abandoned.

I was on foot with 4 miles left to go to reach my car. I was in no condition to care for a suckling racoon. I was flabbergasted and aghast by the way people were glancing at it and passing it by. I made some noise. I made a big deal, and finally some cyclists with heart stopped.

The one cyclist who helped the most wasn't afraid of the animal. The baby ran to him as he sat on the ground. He says the baby was looking for milk. He had knowledge of the age by the tongue. He seemed knowledgeable, he was taking control, he was calling help, so I left. I had no power to do anything. The baby was being cared for, that's all that mattered to me.

I was a voice for that baby all alone on the trail. I did my job, and my spirit tells me that baby is more than safe now, even though I don't know how things turned out.

The point of this post is the desperation of this baby racoon. How vulnerable and needy it was. How it needs protection. How it needs love. How this wild animal will come to anything for shelter.

This leaves my heart broken. That this baby racoon will have no mother. Will not get to experience the life it is supposed to live. And here we are on Mother's Day, and I find a baby with no mother.

Profound. I know how this baby feels.



Thursday, May 4, 2017

How to Sink a Love Bomb


Overstimulation / love bombing feels uncomfortable when you're meeting your own needs and operating as a whole self. Only if you think you're missing something will you be led astray and victimized by love bombing. Different love bombers come through depending on your level of self love, your vibration. If you are truly yourself, these intruders become more obvious... and eventually, they are still there always, yet you remain intact.

You set boundaries (internally and externally - physically and energetically) and ultimately, you feel better being yourself. You don't need the escape that the love bomber pretends to offer as they groom you to be their source of narcissistic supply. You see right through their attempt to set you up so they can let you down, or exploit you in some other way.

You grow and you learn that these love bombers tap into your wound, your fantasy place from childhood neglect. They steal away your inner child. Appear to meet the unmet childhood dependency need, however, this is a child's fantasy that can never be fulfilled, therefore, you must grieve the fantasy. They always let you down with the discard phase. So it's important to protect yourself by taking care of yourself emotionally. This means you must GRIEVE the fantasy of getting all your validation needs met externally. Grieving allows you to take the loss and move forward. Grieving helps you to see reality as it really is, not through the eyes of you as a helpless child.

You can nurture yourself. You can save yourself by facing the emotional truth BEFORE you encounter a love bomber. You can count your own losses without having to face it again and again through repetition compulsion. 

Grieve the fantasy to see the truth of this love bombing ideal. As make-believe as a fairy tale, stuffed animal, Santa Clause. Grieve the loss of this idealized fantasy replacement parent in order to see clearly and process, create narrative and attach to healthy others. Awareness is key. Remind yourself. This is a fantasy that can never be fulfilled by anyone and that is sad and painful, but in the words of Pia Melody, "You can handle your own pain." Taking care of yourself, validating yourself and being your own hero helps you withstand the wicked lies of the parasitic love bomber.

The love bomber leaves tell-tell clues that are unique to your individual wound. Learn to recognize the tells of your weakness to others in real time. It takes practice, but it is possible to figure out. Once you are unable to be love-bombed, you are empowered to own your own energy and direct your own life. No one can trick you into drinking their sweet sap that will eventually poison you. You are the winner of yourself. They will deliver one last attempt to penetrate your healthy self defenses, before they're off to find another host/target. They are desperate to feed their insatiable need for superficial superiority. Starve them of the opportunity. Let them sink as you rise!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Narcissists Try to Hijack Your Agenda

Narcissists try to hijack your agenda. They want their agenda to be your agenda. Their agenda is an illusion that they've created in their own minds that they are greater than, better than you, that they are superior, and you are an underling. You are inferior, lacking and failing to live up to this illusory agenda they've created.

This agenda may be a part of your own agenda. Narcissists are good at picking up your areas of weakness or self-concern, and turning this into their agenda for your life. They figure out what bothers you most, what they have that you don't have, then they shape the conversation to insinuate that you're lacking in the meeting up to the expectations of this pie-in-the-sky agenda that they have for you.

Narcissists that do this are most likely to give unsolicited advice on how to achieve a goal that you're already working on. In an area they know you're heading to achieve already, they will offer advice to help you achieve your existing goals in a way that makes you look inferior and them look superior.

They will offer advice in your area of interest, and this seems quite innocent. However, the advice that they give you is offered in a condescending way, all the while they're bragging to you about their achievements in the same area. This creates a wide hypothetical gap between how you are perceived by yourself compared to this narcissist. The worst thing is, this agenda hijacking is done on purpose, with the intent to one-up you.

It's crucial to look at your relationships and interactions, and to make sure that this is not going on. Having someone hijack your agenda, make you feel less than, make you feel like they are better than you cannot happen. You must look at your engagements from a higher perspective and begin positioning yourself in these situations as an equal person with your own agenda.

Here are a few tips you may want to consider:
  • Shut down unsolicited advice. There is no reason a casual acquaintance should be giving you advice about achieving your goals at happy hour. Please! Happy hour is to be happy and chit chat. If someone starts advising you on who to date, how to get a date, how to get a better job, or how to do your current job better or how to make more money, without you asking for it. Shut them down with a boundary. If they won't stop, leave their presence, ignore them, or move. If they can't seem to stop cutting you down by acting like you're not meeting the expectations of their agenda--you can always leave.
  • Confront the Agenda. You can confront the agenda hijacking plan directly. You can ask them why they're bringing that up? You can ask them if they're doing okay according to the agenda they're implying that you're failing to meet.
  • Bring Your Whole Self to the Table. Remind yourself at all times of your accomplishments. You are likely prey for narcisssists because of childhood conditioning. Your past may have taught you to go one-down in the presence of people who are acting as if they're better than you. The solution is to recognize when this is happening and make better friends. And always remember who you are. Keep a list of your accomplishments, your goals, your plans in your mind at all times. Be prepared to back yourself up with validating self talk when someone starts dishing out unsolicited advice and tries to get you in the net of their agenda.
  •  Interrogate their Weaknesses. When all else fails and you can't walk away from the conversation, try interrogating their weaknesses and reminding them of their flaws in order to divert their attention away from you and onto themselves (where it belongs). This is a form of reverse manipulation that is premeditated on your part. You have to stand back and think:
    • "What would be an upsetting aspect of this person?" or
    • "What do I have that this person doesn't have that I can bring up and remind them about to deflect from this conversation they are trying to have about my weaknesses?"
Examples of how this happened to me:
  • My friend was trying to tell me that I need to be in a relationship.
  • My other friend was trying to give me unsolicited advice about a guy who was interested in me.
  • My friend who was telling me where I need to live. 
  • My family members who set the agenda of my entire life. 
 An agenda is a set of limitations, limiting beliefs that the narcissistic type person places on you by encouraging you to take a path or pursue goals that are already on your agenda. They usurp your own agenda and implant their own agenda. Let's say you're merrily enrolling into the college of your choice, the narcissist with an agenda for you would tell you the college you chose is not as good as another college you should have chosen.

The more a narcissist feels intimidated and threatened by you, the more supply they receive when a wounded codependent person takes on the agenda that is not their own.

These agendas I've noticed have to do with something I don't have yet that they do have. Examples of agendas narcissists trap you in when you are wounded and lacking an I AM include:

  • Your choice of career.
  • Your choice of mate.
  • Your lack of mate.
  • Your lack of financial support.
  • Your lack of children.
  • Your lack of a business.
  • Your lack of time freedom.
  • Your lack of education.
  • Your lack of the proper physical address.
  • Your lack of popularity.
  • Your lack of health and well being.  
  • Your lack of proper English.
  • Or whatever!!!
Whatever they see that you lacking, they will bring it up and create an agenda around it. This agenda is meant to do the following:
  • Ensnare you into their control
  • Build them up
  • Tear you down
  • Make you feel inferior
  • Drain your self esteem 
These narcissists use the overall AGENDA, or ILLUSION of who you should be and what you should have in order to control you, make you feel insecure,  and to gain narcissistic supply. The narcissistic supply comes from you idealizing them for having whatever it is that you are lacking. The narcissistic supply also comes from the pain and confusion they know you're feeling, as well as from their keen ability to dupe you into falling for their tricks.

The AGENDAs of narcissists are a trap. It is a form of manipulation and gaslighting in attempt to drain you of self worth and self esteem. You could be going happily on your way, just fine where you are, then the disordered person makes a suggestion that who yo are and what you are doing is not enough, or somehow triggers one of your own perceived failures. Then, you are easily led down the shame spiral conversation that you suck and they are as good as god.

Narcissists remind you of your flaw and exploit your perceived weaknesses to build themselves up and tear you down. Once they trigger you, they don't stop there, but continue to lead you around by the dog collar through the labyrinth of their agenda for your life. Untangle yourself by being aware, setting boundaries, validating yourself and living to the beat of your own heart.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Narcissists Won't Take Your Side

If you are looking for love, validation and support from the narcissist, you are wise to look elsewhere. The narcissist will reel you in by offering love bombing and doing anything and everything in the world for you, but once they have you--they will not take your side.

Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.

They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you. 

It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.

The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.

This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.

The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.

It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.

These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.

This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.

Screw that!

Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways
  • They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
  • May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
  • Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
  • Plays dumb. 
  • Ignores you.
  • Becomes distracted.
  • Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
  • Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
  • Stonewalls.
  • Changes the subject. 
  • Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
  • Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
  • Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
  • Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination. 
  • Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past. 
  • Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with. 
Healthy People Have Your Back
It is so easy to take someone's side. This is an easy, empathetic thing to do. A person with a heart will naturally be open to supporting those they love. They will come to their side naturally. It's a normal, natural thing to do, to validate someone's upset whom you care about. Granted, if it's two people you feel strongly for, perhaps you cannot be on one side or the other, but still, you validate the position of the person who is confiding in you about the hurt and pain they've endured or are enduring.

Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.

Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.

Covert Messages in the Lack of Support

It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:
  • I don't support you.
  • I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
  • I believe you are wrong.
  • I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
  • I am superior to you.
  • What you think is wrong.
  • What you feel is wrong.
  • Other people are superior to you.
  • People you argue with are more right than you are.
  • You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
  • You don't know how to feel.
  • I know how you should feel.
  • You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
  • I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present. 
  • I don't believe in you.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
  • You can't count on me for support.
  • You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
  • You are to blame for the argument.
We all need people to love and support us in our lives. When we are surrounded by narcissists, we are surrounded by people who will not take our side. When someone will not take our side, we are left deficit. A very important need goes unmet.

As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side.  This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.

Validation is on Your Side

You deserve validation!!! 
  • 1st you deserve validation from yourself. 
  • 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
  • 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
  • 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation. 
  • 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
  • 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.
This topic is akin to withholding of approval. In childhood, when a parent withholds approval, it is considered emotional neglect. The failure to meet a primary dependency need of the child. As an adult, we shouldn't NEED approval from others, but we should be naturally drawn to people who actively listen to us, believe in us, support us and take our side against the onslaught of rude, manipulative, hurting people who come into our lives.

When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.

Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.







Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Become a Patron on Patreon for SelfLoveU YouTube Videos

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Dumb Things That Offend the Narcissist

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  • A topic that you want to discuss.
  • You having rights. 
  • You feeling confident.
  • You feeling confident to determine what topics to discuss in your relationship.
  • You looking good.
  • Your life being great. 
  • You talking about your accomplishments.
  • You talking about what is important to you.
  • You discussing things you like such as art, intellectual pursuits, your travels.  
  • You discussing your emotions.
  • You sharing details of your life.
  • You having close relationships with others.
  • You enjoying your life. 
  • The way you hold your paint brush.
  • The way you cook dinner. 
  • The way you dress.
  • The way your sweatshirt has big giant lips on it.
  • The way you talk about a certain issue.
  • The way you're on your own path or course. 
  • The way you achieve at work with accolades and promotions. 
  • The way you perceive their manipulative actions as negative.
  • You being a separate person with separate needs.
  • You needing anything from them emotionally.
  • You calling them out on their bad behaviors. 
  • When you let them know you don't like something they do.
  • The way you live your life.
  • Your choice of religion.
  • Your choice of friends.
  • Your choice of jobs, careers, education. 
  • Your need for love, guidance, support. 
  • Your happiness. 
  • Your fulfillment.
  • Your self focus.  
  • You not buying into their agenda of whatever or whomever THEY think you should be. 

Depending on the type of narcissist you are involved with, this blood-sucking vampire may behave or react in the following ways to your "offense."

  • Silent treatment.
  • Gaslighting - Telling you that reality is something that it's not. 
  • Acting emotional, like you've just said the most hurtful thing ever when you said nothing negative to them at all. 
  • Raging 
  • Stonewalling 
  • Stealing your emotional mojo / focus. 
  • Making outrageous accusations. 
  • Give you a guilt trip.
  • Divert the argument.
  • Try to make you feel wrong or bad or ashamed. 
  • Take the side of someone who is against you.
  • Accuse you of doing them harm where no harm was done or intended. 
  • Playing the victim. 
  • Belittle you.
  • Refuse to acknowledge your ideas, or whatever you're discussing.
  • Act as though what you're saying is trivial.
  • Act as though what you're saying is disgusting, ridiculous and offensive. 
  • Monologues 
  • Attacking you.
  • Attacking others who have the same attributes as you.
  • Acting like they don't understand and need endless clarification.
  • Repetitive negative conversation patterns that don't do you any good. 
  • Asking you for something, help, emotional support.
  • Ranting and raving
  • Bringing up negative topics. 
  • Acting out, going on a tailspin, being a hot mess. 
  • Telling you what to talk about.
  • Shaming you for being yourself. 
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a high point.
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a low point.
  • Ignoring you.
  • Being distracted while you're talking.
  • Failing to validate your reality by active listening. 
  • Refusing to meet your needs.
  • Sulking.
There are many more things to add to both of these lists. Can you think of more??? 

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