Friday, December 13, 2019

How to Steer Clear of the Narcissist Snake Pit / Drama Field

Mark my words. I'm coining this phrase. "Drama Field" deals with narcissistic type of games, drama, etc... Stay away from it for your own health!

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Differentiation & Healing from Attachment Trauma


This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 

IT'S SUPER GOOD!!! 


"From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀

Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀

Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀

1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀

2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀

3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀

4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀

5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀

6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀

7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀

8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀

9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀

10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀

11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀

12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Glossing Over Disrespect

When you are prone to entertaining narcissistic behavior in others, you are a people pleaser, a doormat, or any version of the same, you are probably used to glossing over disrespect in your close personal relationships. It comes with the territory.

GLOSSING OVER DISRESPECT

Here is an example of a typical narcissist / empath interaction:

STEP 1. Toxic disrespect. 

This is where the narcissist, codependent or otherwise toxic person disrespects your personal boundaries. The toxic encounter is one in which the toxic person tries to use you as an extension of themselves by doing things, displaying behavior that shows blatant disregard for your feelings, rights, limits and boundaries. Examples include:

  • Criticizing you.
  • Giving you unwarranted advice.
  • Talking about a subject that is unpleasant in attempt to make you feel negative.
  • When a friend or acquaintance reprimands your child in your presence.
  • Your parent did something abusive to you repeatedly in childhood. 
  • Any abusive behavior.
  • Talks about a subject you do not wish to discuss.
  • Continues behavior toward you that you have requested they stop doing.
  • Tries to talk you into doing something you don't want to do.
  • Talks behind your back.
  • Talks down to you.
  • Brags to you.
  • Makes a promise repeatedly, then lets you down.
  • Betrays you in any way.
  • Brings up your private secrets in public.
  • Makes a post on social media of a photo of you that you asked them not to post.  
STEP 2. You Get Upset / Hurt / Angry

The next part of this toxic interaction is when you get upset due to the actions and behaviors of the toxic person. You are upset because your boundaries have been violated. Your anger and disdain is warranted--that's what this emotion is for; to tell you when you are being crossed or hurt. 

STEP 3. You Set a Limit 

Next, you let the person know you are not okay with their behavior. You may ask them to stop. You may ask them to apologize, you may set a limit or a boundary. You let the toxic person know loudly and clearly that this behavior is intolerable. 

STEP 4. The Narcissist Stonewalls You

The toxic person doesn't want to discuss the issue! The toxic person does not want to hear anything you have to say. As far as the toxic person is concerned, YOU are wrong for being angry at them for hurting you. (See how twisted?!?!) The toxic person stonewalls you for daring to challenge their sense of entitlement. 

They feel entitled to act in a way that harms you--they feel entitled to commit personal fouls toward you. In the mind of a toxic person, you have zero rights.  Your only role in their life is to serve as a pleasing mirror, or a fawning doormat. Any reflection that you are individual, different or separate is unacceptable to the toxic person, narcissist or psychopath. 

You're just not allowed to have your own feelings. Your own feelings are so offensive to the toxic person, they feel abused when you are angry or hurt from their actions!

Some narcissists will covertly stonewall you--not letting you know they are doing it by still being available, or acting remorseful, but not actually feeling what they are portraying. This is a special kind of narcissist, that is of the most hidden type. 

STEP 5. You Try to Repair the Relationship 

Feeling fearful, obligated or guilty (FOG), you decide to make steps to re-engage with the abusive person. Maybe you are fearful you will never find a lover so good, or a friend so fun, or maybe you're afraid of living life without being close to your mother, father, extended family. Maybe you feel socially obligated to be a nice person, or maybe YOU actually believe the gaslighting of the narcissist and think that you are the actual problem...

Maybe you reacted so strongly, that you are blaming yourself for the entire ordeal. Maybe you are questioning your own rights to set limits. Maybe you had a conversation with another unhealed empathy and he or she told you to repair the relationship. Maybe you felt lonely, guilty, or just felt a void from the person missing in your life--so you take the first step to repair the relationship, or you accept the abuser's attempt to repair the relationship with you. After all, that's what friendship is all about! Right? WRONG. 

But we'll get to that later...

STEP 6. You Don't Deal with the Original Issue

Now you move on, happy-go-lucky, but you never did resolve the original issue. You never came to terms with the narcissist about your right to exist, your right to matter, your right to have feelings, your right to set boundaries. 

As far as the narcissist is concerned, it is 100% okay to disrespect you. You never dealt with the issue. You never called them out directly after your first signal of anger--instead, you chose the higher road and chose to remain friends, or lovers, or family... 

You move on! You feel better! At least you have a friend. At least you have a lover. At least you have a family. Why not let "bygones be bygones?" After all, it is much better to be with a toxic person that to not be with anyone at all. Right? WRONG. 

But we'll get to that later... 

STEP 7. You Have Signed An Unspoken Contract to Be Less Than 

When your emotions signal that a person is disrespecting you and you let them know, and they ignore you, and then you remain friends without getting square on the original issue that caused your negative emotion, and you do not stand up for yourself, you are signaling socially that you are an underling.

If you are an empath, you know in your heart that there is no true underling, and you will gladly do what it takes to serve and love and get along. However, to the narcissist, your agreement to be an underling puts you in a less than position. It states the following:
  • You do not have the right to call-out the narcissist. 
  • Your feelings do not matter.
  • Your needs to be seen, heard and understood go out the window.
  • You do not exist. 
  • You must put-up or shut up. 
You may think things have moved on, but things will never be the same. Once the narcissist has put you in a headlock and you continue to go along with the relationship, you are officially a puppet. You have agreed to be less than.

You may not realize this is happening because you are playing by different rules than the narcissist. You may allow this to happen subconsciously. You may allow this to happen because you are unaware of the dynamics of healthy relationships. You may allow this to happen because you were taught to accept this behavior in relationship and don't know of any other way. Whatever the reason that you go into this unspoken contract, you are in it whenever you allow a person back into your life without dealing with your own personal discomfort that resulted from their unrepentant behavior. 

Results of the Process of Glossing Over Disrespect 

I think I'll stop this process at 7 because I really like the number 7, and I will continue with the topic of Glossing Over Disrespect with discussing what happens when you allow disrespect to be glossed over in your relationships. You become a pUpPeT. Here's what happens:
  1. You become controlled by the person who is able to be one-up above you.
  2. Your relationship is officially unequal. 
  3. Your needs come second to the needs of the abusive person.  
  4. Your future interactions with this person become one sided.
  5. You no longer have an identity in the relationship.
  6. You agree to become an extension of the abusive person.
  7. You agree that it is okay for you to be hurt and disrespected. 
  8. You stay in relationships that are abusive, toxic and unhealthy for you. 
  9. You forfeit your rights in exchange for a relationship with someone who plays a superior role. 
  10. You lose your voice, your right to say no or set boundaries. 
You may think you are better off allowing the abusive person back in your life. You may think life is better with this person rather than being alone, but what you don't realize, is that this toxic pattern is a lesson for you to learn. There are better ways of being and relating that do not require you to give up yourself and be a doormat. There are more effective ways of living on the planet with other humans than becoming a puppet who is controlled and externally validated. 

How You Become Controlled When You Gloss Over Disrespect

The narcissist dynamic is all about power and control--it is not about real love, authenticity, truth and respect. A toxic relationship is one in which you are controlled. When you fail to stand up for your rights and you continue to tango with an abusive person, you are giving up your power and control to this person and they are taking it. This is what is referred to as narcissistic supply. The narcissist loves empaths who are willing to give themselves up in response to their entitled demands.

If you can't stand up for yourself because you have an unspoken agreement with the narcissist that you don't exist, then you have given yourself over to the narcissist. If you don't exist, then you must ask the narcissist's permission to exist and are slowly whittled away into less than you ever thought possible.

Moral of this article? Stand up for yourself. Stay away from toxic people. When you learn how healthy relationships work and steer clear of toxic relationships, your life will be happier, and it will be worth the pain and loneliness of moving away from abuse. Good luck! 



Love Equals Respect

Respect in relationship occurs in the flow of defining who you are and how you feel. If you are engaging with someone who refuses to make behavior adjustments In accordance with your moderate emotional comfort, or at least acknowledge that you have a right to feel disappointment, frustration, anger or any of your feelings... This shows a lack of respect for your humanity. This is not okay and is considered unempathetic and disrespectful. Someone who respects you and treats you well is going to make Room for your feelings, boundaries, requests. They're not going to stonewall, gloss over the subject or demand that they are right. 

A person who is capable of Loving is capable of seeing when they may be wrong. They are capable of self reflection. They can apologize or they can discuss the hurt feelings of another without feeling threatened. Loving someone unconditionally requires that you allow them space to exist Separately from you. You are not responsible for their feelings and when they hurt your feelings you can express yourself safely and be validated by them.They meet your needs to be seen, heard and understood. That is love.

This takes maturity that some people do not have. Some people cannot love because they cannot give you space to be, they must always be right and they cannot see things from your perspective because they don't have #empathy.

If you come across a person like this it's better to keep your distance. Wish them well in love and light. You cannot change them or teach empathy. Being in a relationship with a person who does not give you space for your feelings, boundaries, makes you externally controlled; it is #enmeshment--toxic. You are not responsible if your boundaries hurt them. It is your responsibility to take care of your own sense of self and stay on your own side of the fence. You cannot control how other people feel if your existence hurts them. That's #codependency. Even though it hurts to walk away, you must do so for your own integrity.- Jenna Ryan 8/9/2019

#truth #truthbomb #love #respect#friendshipquotes #friends #lovers#relationshipquotes#relationshipgoals #relationships#selflove #selfloveu

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Texting When You're Angry


My new rule is, if you can't call a person up to say something, don't text it. If it's inappropriate to call and say out loud, then it's inappropriate to text. The important thing to remember is keeping the relationship intact, or making a level-headed decision to set a boundary, or end it if necessary. You must treat the other person with respect, and you must love yourself enough not to push them away. 
Reacting from anger is a trigger that causes your system to go into fight or flight, and anything you say will only put up walls and trigger the other person to react from their own story. It's not like the recipient will say, "Oh hey, I suck! You're right." 
You have to communicate for a Win-Win. It's not functional to text in anger. Functional relating requires you to hold the other person at the same high-level in which you hold yourself, even when you don't agree or they hurt you. Anything less is toxic. You can't control anyone but yourself. 
You can be mad, but those are your feelings. You can't control anyone with angry texts. You can't fix it. You can only deal with your own emotions and make decisions based on clear-thinking, not fight-or-flight.
So if I've ever texted any of you in anger (friends), I'm growing out of that habit. Now that I realize it's not effective, I think it will be easier to put the phone down, journal or call a supportive friend. Reactivity really is about YOU, not the other person.