Friday, January 27, 2017

Voice from Within

There is a voice inside you, under the shame that is constantly, eternally, continuously and always saying things like this to yourself:

I love you.
You're so great.
You're such a blessing.
I'm so glad you're here.
You're so funny.
You're doing so good.

Little sentences like this are being repeated constantly in the heart of your true self to yourself. It is like an internal wellspring of love, peace and well being. It is always flowing. It is the real you.

This voice can be covered by shame. It can be covered by lies. That's why it is so important for us to do the heavy work of overcoming our shame and grieving our losses so we can be free to experience the warmth of love that is continually flowing from within. God within. Your higher self loves you.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

Sunday, January 22, 2017


There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.

Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.

And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.

A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.

At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.

So there you are.

Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.

Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.

Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.

Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.

Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.

Feeling strange being honest and real.

Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.

Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.

Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.

And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.

There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.

It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.

It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Friday, November 4, 2016

Affirmations for Detaching from Hurtful Persons

  • I am my own person. I do not need to worry about what __ is doing or thinking.
  • That person is not my responsibility. My energy is better used focusing on bettering my life.
  • That person has proven to me that he/she is selfish and uncaring about me, my feelings; therefore, that person is life poison in my life. I reject that poison. 
  • I feel pain because I am walking away from a hurtful relationship. That is okay. I am strong and I can handle my pain. That doesn't mean I need to allow that hurtful person back into my life. I can be here for myself in the present moment. 
  • That person has hurt me with their words, actions, etc... They do not deserve my thoughts, energy or attention.
  • I have a right to walk away from anyone who does not treat me with the respect I deserve.
  • I am smart enough to know when someone is treating me poorly or not. I do not need to get anyone else's approval for my decision to walk away from hurtful person.
  • Anyone who tries to tell me to reconcile with that hurtful person is an accomplice and is collaborating with the abusive, hurtful person. I know this and will set boundaries and limits with 3rd parties, as well as directly with the abusive person.
  • I will not tell the story of how this person hurt me to other people in order to gain approval and affirmation. I know what is best for me, and I trust myself to know what's best for me. 
  • That person proved to me that he or she doesn't have respect for me. There is no need for me to continue to be concerned about them anymore because that would be abandoning and neglecting my own best interests. I must take care of myself. 
  • That person is selfish and not pleasant to be around. That person makes me feel like I am less-than them, when the truth is I am equal and I deserve respect. I will set boundaries and walk away from relationships with selfish people who refuse to show me respect. 
  • It is right for me to walk away from hurtful people.
  • It doesn't matter if someone else disagrees with me regarding the poor behavior of an abusive, hurtful person. Not everyone has to agree for me to know that I'm doing the right thing for me.
  • It's no one else's business who I cut out of my life or who I confront for poor behavior towards me. I am my own person--I am not dependent upon the approval of others. 
  • I have made that person a bigger deal to myself than I should have. Now that I am aware, I'm going to shrink their importance inside my mind and focus on what's best for me.
  • I believe in myself. I know who is right for me. I do what is right for me whenever I am aware of what is best. 
  • People who truly love and care about me will support my decision to get this toxic person out of my life.
  • If that person really cared, loved and respected me, he or she would not have been crappy to me.  
  • Letting go of this person will not ruin my life. This person is not my last friend, last boyfriend, last girlfriend, last family member. I will heal and move on and better company will take his or her place. 
  • I will be stronger in the long run and happier without that toxic person in my life. 
  • That person may need me to feed their ego and make them feel important, but I have resigned from that position and choose to take care of myself instead. 
  • I believe in me and I believe in my future.
  • It may hurt to be alone for a while as that hurtful person took up a lot of my energy before, but I know that the sun will rise again. I know that I will find better people now that I realize I deserve better.

25 Ways to Stop Caring About a Hurtful Person

 This article contains healing crystals of understanding that I've gained along the way. It's hard to let go of narcissistic, hurtful, exploitative and abusive people, especially when you were raised in an abusive environment. We feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and wrong. The truth is, we are NOT HOPELESS. We can CHOOSE today to let go of hurtful people and embrace ourselves. There is a lot of value inside of you that you may be spewing / projecting onto a hurtful person. This list is about how to stop doing that. Love to you. Enjoy! Also, see these Affirmations for Over Empathizing
  1. Every time you think good thoughts about that abusive person, remind yourself of how they are not good for you.
  2. When you find yourself feeling concerned for a person who has treated you poorly and has chosen not to stop or respect your boundaries, remind yourself that you are better than that.
  3. Build a relationship with yourself inside yourself that is between your wise, parental part and your lower, more vulnerable child part.
  4. Treat your inner child with love and respect so you will become immediately aware when you're being mistreated. Awareness is a huge piece of it. 
  5. Protect your inner child, vulnerable, trusting part with your strong, wise, intelligent, healed inner adult.
  6. Make yourself bigger and other people smaller in your own minds eye.
  7. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize when your vulnerable inner child is seeking approval from people who are abusive, mean and exploitive. 
  8. Reparent your inner child by reminding yourself that you are a valuable, worthy being who deserves love and respect.
  9. Remind your inner child that you do not need the outside person who is hurtful to you.
  10. Remind your inner child of other things you can do besides focusing on a hurtful person.
  11. Remind your inner child that it doesn't matter what other people think of your decision to be strong and protect yourself.
  12. Remind your inner child that you are an adult and you are strong and you can protect yourself.
  13. Remind your inner child that you are no longer little, but that you are an adult now and you have resources to protect yourself and stand up to hurtful people.
  14. Remind yourself that you do not need this hurtful person in your life, and that the hurtful person's opinions, thoughts have nothing to do with you.
  15. Remind yourself that you are better off without the hurtful person.
  16. Distract yourself by focusing on something that is beneficial to you, rather than focusing on the hurtful person.
  17. Give yourself a break if you happen to forget and slip up and allow the hurtful person access back into your life. Don't shame yourself for making mistakes. You are growing, you will get there.
  18. Set boundaries with unhealthy people. 
  19. Work on your internal self-talk. Listen to what you are saying to yourself about you and this hurtful person. Create mantras and affirmations that affirm your worth and that help you to remember that you are more valuable to you than this outside person.
  20. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the abuse this hurtful person has inflicted upon you.
  21. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the guilt you feel for letting the abusive person go.
  22. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the responsibility you feel for care taking someone who does not have your best interests at heart. 
  23. Affirm yourself whenever you take action to stop hurtful people from damaging you.
  24. Affirm yourself with positive mantras constantly whenever you hear the internal critic shaming you for protecting yourself from hurtful others.
  25. Remind yourself that you are not responsible to take care of the needs of hurtful people. You are free to detach and take care of you.

Now, take a moment to sit down and journal about this list. Think about how you are allowing a hurtful person access to your vulnerable inner child. Think about the items on this list that resound to your heart. Think of your weak areas. Think of your strong areas. What are some things you can do to strengthen parts of yourself listed above so that you can start taking better care of yourself and keep bad people out-of-your life? Journal, journal, journal... Talk to a safe other. That's how you do it. That is the process for learning your worth and value. You can do it!!! I have faith in you.