Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Help! I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough

The reason you feel like you're not good enough is because you were conditioned to feel that way in childhood and you have continued to wear that false identity to this day. Someone who raised you needed you not to feel good enough because it made him/her/them feel a sense of self esteem. The path to healing is to detach yourself from your identification with this original negative programming. You have to externalize the reason why you feel that way, and internalize the truth by being there for your inner child. You are good enough, but only you can realize that. No one can tell you. You have to realize it for yourself as you realize the truth about the intentions of the people who raised you--whether intentional or not.

Sometimes it's safer to feel less than than it is to face the truth that the people who raised you were wrong. You are good enough. They were wrong, not you.

In fact, you're so damn good, you've been holding their projections all your life! You're not just good enough--you're more than good enough. You've been doing ALL THE WORK. Let it go! Become identified with your true self. The pain of not feeling good enough is the indication that your soul is believing a lie. You're punching yourself inside. Stop it. See that it's learned feelings. It's not the real you. It's not your truth. Your truth is that you're good enough. When you know that, the pain will stop. And you will soar.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Disconnection Is Rejection

Disconnection. What is it? I know it feels awful. I know it feels awkward. I know it feels off. I just had a difficult time figuring out exactly what it is. Until now.

What rule does it break? Something that hurt me so many times from different people throughout my life needed to have a rule... but there was nothing, so for years I suffered in silence through the neglectful disconnection I received from countless others without being able to put my finger on what was wrong.

Whenever you are neglected emotionally as a child, you become an adult who is missing a lot of things. You are missing key components of relationship interactions. A neglected child is a child who didn't have the back-and-forth interaction that a normal healthy child gets to have, so he or she doesn't learn what is good, bad, right or wrong, upside down or right side up. So much is confusing. Neglect causes an adult to be clueless in relationships, not knowing what is good and/or bad treatment. Such a deficient upbringing causes one to lean towards maltreatment. It's like an airplane with a GPS out of whack. Inevitably you end up crashing into an abusive relationship and feeling the pain of being burned alive inside.

And, if you are like I was, you blame yourself for the crash which makes it hurt even worse. You take all the blame and feel shamed for what? You don't really know. All you know is that you are upside down, feeling bad from a situation or interaction and you don't know what this person did to cause such devastation. You can't name it, so you figure the problem is with you. You don't for a moment think that there is something disrespectful about the engagement. Something that the other person should or should not be doing that you need him or her to do. You don't know what you need or what they didn't do that you need so you blame/shame yourself.

Even trying to explain this--disconnection--in relationship is devilishly hard, but I'm trying. I feel it, but have to blog around it to express the core of how it's wrong. 

It could be something as small as an unanswered text, a rejecting comment, a misunderstanding that was never made straight. A yawn. Selective memory. Here's a list of disconnections that I've noticed:

Friend who doesn't track you 

Have you ever had a friend who pops into your life, once a week, once a month, once a year and acts like your best buddy, but doesn't bother to ask how you're doing any other time?  Or fails to ask about that death in your family, or the new job you just landed? There is no continuation with this friend and you feel it, but you can't put your finger on it. Like a movie that has big chunks of the story line missing. You're close enough to warrant tracking. After all, when you are with this friend, you feel love and happiness, but when you part ways to live your life, it's like you disappear from their lives.  A text to them gets a nil response, as if they want you to go away. This hurts, but you may feel like you're too needy--or maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to go? No, that doesn't work for me.

Tracking is a respectful way to show that you respect and love another person. It is a skill that can be learned, and when it is not used, it can leave the receiver feeling badly and disconnected. This is not okay. It's not okay to engage continually with someone who fails to track you. I understand some people may have their own issues--but still, it's important for your own psychological well being to be around people who connect with you in a healthy way, and don't drop you like it's hot in between your face-to-face interactions. Does that make sense?

The therapist who doesn't remember that a dog bit you a few weeks ago

Yes, this actually happened to me. I was going to this therapist and she kept forgetting every day information that I was sharing during session. Like the time I went to list a house and the chiuahuah bit me and drew blood. I was sharing how happy I was to have set a boundary and stayed in the bathroom until they picked the dog up--but that's another story...

This therapist! She had great credentials. She went to Columbia University for Freud's sake! She wasn't tracking me by remembering my life. I didn't realize this was happening at the time. I didn't realize that this process of her forgetting things, and me reminding her, and me not being offended by this behavior--because it wasn't on my radar-- I didn't realize that this is VERY RUDE. It is a huge sign of disrespect. It was a covert way for her to establish superiority over me.

Instead of calling her out, setting a boundary and showing her that I have a right to exist, I went along meekly, while helping her out by repeating myself each session to catch up her memory. I actually went out of my way to MEET HER NEED TO forget about my life for which I was paying her healthily to help me process. My point is, if someone doesn't remember things about you, set a boundary or as in my case, get the hell out before things get worse.

Texts that say, "Hope you're having a good day!!!" 

Someone who texts you every day things like, "Hope you're having a good day!!!" is not someone interested in really getting to know you. That sentence is so vague. It would be wonderful if a close friend sent it to you, knowing that you will get together and talk more soon... but for someone to  randomly send these types of texts without asking you how you're doing, what you're doing and what's important to you--this is disconnection. This is a disconnected transaction. It doesn't work and it doesn't feel good. When people do this to you, notice it. It's not a good sign. Maybe they have their own issues, but you don't have time to disconnect with someone all the time.

You have a life threatening accident and they don't nurture you afterwards.

Let's say you have a life or death situation in which you are left recovering. Let's say that this person that you love and adore never bothers to call or ask you about your health ever again past day one. This is disconnecting behavior. It's as though you don't exist. It's as though your needs for nurture, care, concern, understanding, acceptance, affection, appreciation don't exist. And if you were neglected as a child, you don't even notice this behavior in others because it fits along with how you were raised. You know you hurt for some reason, but you don't know who did it--and you don't address the error with the loved one because you don't even know it occurred.

But then you grow and heal and learn that YOU MATTER and YOU HAVE RIGHTS in relationships!!!  You are supposed to expect to get your needs met equally. Whew! You realize that your loved one has been overlooking your needs for years, all the while you've been the servant without complaint; paying a debt you thought you owed. That's when you have to set a big boundary and remind your loved ones that you have a right to exist and that you have new expectations for your relationship. Respect or walk is what I say.

The friend who won't validate you.

Have you ever had a friend or family member, or spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend who refuses to validate you, give you compliments or affirm you? Like you'll be going through a hard time and start talking yourself into a frenzy, pumping yourself up saying, "but I can do this!!!" and they're sitting right next to you and their body language says they disagree. Their message to you is... "I don't support you." It's the worst feeling ever.

I didn't realize that this is disrespectful towards me. Invalidation. When someone fails to back me up, verify what I'm saying, support me with kindness. This is disrespect and unacceptable. It's covert abuse because you can't put your finger on what they're doing to you. They're abusing you by what they're NOT saying, not by what they are saying, so you can't effectively set a boundary without giving them a lesson in psychology. "Invalidation is when you don't nod your head yes when I make a positive statement about myself or my situation or my future." They will totally feign ignorance and you feel like a fool.

And you feel like a fool. Less than. That's what happens when someone fails to back-you-up in those times. This is disconnection. You feel like you're doing something wrong, without realizing that it is the other person's issue. THEY ARE THE ONES who cannot stand to see your need for validation to be met. They won't give you one drop--especially the little drops in between where you can't catch them not giving it to you.

Why? Because if your friend were to validate you, stay connected with you, respect you, call you for a few days a little extra when you're sick, reach out to you in between times of being with you, answering your texts in a respectful and timely manner... if your friend would do this for you, it would meet your needs. Loving behavior and connecting is what meets our needs. They don't want to meet your needs because they don't want to give one drop. Some may not know how. Others are literally holding back in order to cripple you.

If your needs are met, and you feel connected, you feel safe, free, loved, happy and content. That's how we are supposed to feel in relationships. It's not supposed to be about power plays, superiority, less than, one-up, disconnection. It's supposed to be about LOVE AND RESPECT. And now that I've healed and I understand my own worth and value more fully, I can protect myself from people who do things that are disconnecting towards me. I can back-off the relationship, I can tend to myself, I can set boundaries and make choices as to where I will put my energy and concern. I can nurture relationships that are full of connection and protect myself from taking the blame for what I now can clearly see.

And day by day, month by month, year by year, I see a little clearly what I missed. I can fill in the spaces with self love and self respect, and ease my own pain. I can recognize disconnection for what it is, a form of rejection--no matter how sick or inept the person doing the harming. I can connect with others who are present enough to connect with me. I hope this helps.

You are worthy of acceptance, connection and protection.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

100 Boundaries for Toxic People

It's important to set boundaries for yourself against all people--especially toxic people. Boundaries draw the line between you and another person. Toxic people are difficult to be around because their desire is to take you over. Toxic people want to control you and destroy your "I am." They sadistically want to control you and exploit your weak sense of self. If you were programmed during childhood to please toxic people, then you need to re-program your mind to set boundaries to protect yourself now.

You need boundaries that are quick and to-the-point. Clear, one sentence boundaries without explaining yourself. You need to practice these phrases so they'll be readily available when you're ready to use it. Remember to be clear. Don't feel you are being rude. You're not being rude when you take up for yourself and reserve space for yourself in a relationship / conversation.

Unlike with healthy people, when you set a boundary with a toxic person, DO NOT SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. They are incapable of registering feelings and have no empathy. Telling them your feelings only gives them more ammo. They want you to feel badly, upset, hurt. Just state clearly, and automatically what you are thinking in order to get them to back-off.  These people are bullies. They only respond to one-liners. It will shock them if they're used to you being submissive and non-existent. These boundaries will give you the space you need in the interaction, and will also help to strengthen your own position internally.

Don't say "I'm sorry." These are not nice people; but rather, they are secretly plotting and conniving to take you down. Be assertive, not sorry. Don't explain. Speak with confidence and clarity. Practice over and over in advance. These quips -- one liners help strengthen your sense of self, and keep you level in the playing field of toxic people in your life.

100 Boundaries for Toxic People
  1. Why are you belittling me? (Use this for covert abuse such as giving unwarranted advice).
  2. Don't minimize my needs.
  3. I don't need to hear that.
  4. That doesn't work for me.
  5. We can agree to disagree.
  6. I didn't ask for advice. 
  7. I hear that you don't like the red dress on me, however, it is the dress I choose.
  8. Why are you gaslighting me?
  9. Are you trying to triangulate me?
  10. Why are you looking at me like you just farted? 
  11. What business is it of yours?
  12. Stop changing the subject.
  13. Allow me to speak my turn.
  14. It's my turn to share.
  15. I don't need cliches.
  16. Stop telling me how to be. 
  17. No, I can't do it.
  18. Your expectations of me are higher than I am able to give.
  19. No, I don't see it that way.
  20. That's not the way I see it. 
  21. I disagree on that point.
  22. That has nothing to do with me.
  23. That's your opinion, not mine. 
  24. That is not a priority for me. (When they're trying to hijack your agenda)
  25. Are you bragging or sharing good news with me? 
  26. Why are you bragging so much?
  27. That sounds like a lie.
  28. Why are you telling me this? (When they're bragging non-stop)
  29. I don't talk about that. (Private issue of your own they try to bring up)
  30. Stop interrogating me.
  31. What's with all the questions?
  32. I don't share that.
  33. I don't want to talk about it.
  34. Stop bringing that issue up.
  35. Stop bossing me around.
  36. Stop talking about yourself and listen to me.
  37. No, I won't do it.
  38. Let's go if you can't act right.
  39. Are you implying that I'm ____? (When they're using covert manipulation)
  40. I am done with this conversation.
  41. I have a right to ____. (speak, share, be heard, be understood, etc... Don't explain it though)
  42. That's incorrect. 
  43. That's not true.
  44. We are two different people, each with our own ideas.
  45. Stop controlling the conversation.
  46. Don't talk behind my back in front of my face.
  47. Was that a back-handed compliment?
  48. You've got it wrong. 
  49. I know what's best for me.
  50. That is your opinion, not mine.
  51. I am competent enough to decide for myself what to do, buy, wear, say.
  52. Why are you baiting me to prove myself? 
  53. Why are you comparing yourself to me?
  54. If you don't like it, don't listen. (When Hitler tries to control conversation with another)
  55. How does that effect you?
  56. Why does that matter to you?
  57. That is my preference.
  58. This is my story, let me finish. 
  59. I have a right to share what is on my mind.
  60. Stop. I don't play that game.
  61. Stop. I don't like that.
  62. Keep your opinions to yourself. 
  63. Don't cross that line.
  64. No. I won't discuss this with you.
  65. I did not ask for advice.
  66. Your opinion of the situation doesn't match mine.
  67. That doesn't work for me. 
  68. I don't work that way. 
  69. You're expecting more than I can give.
  70. Stop changing the subject back to yourself.
  71. That was a rude comment. (Backhanded compliment)
  72. We are two different people.
  73. No, I don't want a hug, kiss, date, sexual advance. 
  74. No, I don't hug strangers. 
  75. I don't discuss that with strangers. 
  76. That's lewd. 
  77. I have my own ideas about what happened. 
  78. Why are you telling me all these personal details when we just met? 
  79. Does this story have an ending?
  80. I don't need to prove myself to you.
  81. I don't care about that. 
  82. That doesn't matter to me.
  83. That has nothing to do with me.
  84. That's your issue, not mine.  
  85. Are you trying to hijack my agenda?
  86. Stop trying to hijack my agenda.
  87. Stop trying to control me.
  88. No. You cannot do that to me.
  89. No. That's more than I will allow. 
  90. No. I won't play that role. 
  91. Stop repeating the same stories over and over. 
  92. I get it. You're ___. Please just move on. (tall, rich, handsome, beautiful, lovely, talented)
  93. I disagree.
  94. Why did you promise me __ and end up doing just ___?
  95. Are you love bombing me?
  96. I will no longer fawn over you.
  97. No can do. You're 30 minutes late!
  98. Stop minimizing what I say.
  99. Stop interrupting me.
  100. Are you trying to create an illusion / mirage?

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Setting Boundaries for Neglectful Behaviors

Sometimes it is necessary to set boundaries for the things a person does NOT do. Boundaries aren't always just for people who do bad things to you, you may also need to set limits for the things that people do not do that they should be doing. Here are a few examples:
  • Silent treatment
  • Ignoring you
  • Withdrawing
  • Dismissing
  • Devaluing 
  • Discounting
  • Disconnection
  • Minimizing your issues/requests
  • Not being there for you in important times.
  • Not affirming you when you need and request it.
  • Not working out issues that are bothering you.
  • Not giving you credit where credit is due.
  • Failing to give direction when in a position to do so.
  • Withholding information.
  • Not taking your side repeatedly.
  • Not encouraging you in your passions.
  • Not trying to understand your point of view.
  • Not going out of their way to be there for you.
This is a different type of boundary. When someone is not doing the things you need them to do. When they're not returning the love and respect that you're giving them, but instead, allowing you to do all of the giving, and leaving big gaps in the relationship. You are being normal, naive, open and empathetic. They are taking what you're giving and running away with it, not returning in like kind.

Unfortunately, I have found that people who do these things above are toxic people who are envious, who wish to manipulate and control you. They could also be codependent people who are so wrapped up in their other codependent relationships, that your needs are unimportant to them.

The important thing to realize is that YOUR NEEDS MATTER.
  • You deserve to be responded to.
  • You deserve to be understood.
  • You deserve to be heard.
  • You deserve to be given credit.
  • You deserve to have a friend/family member on your side.
  • You deserve to have people who are there for you.
  • You deserve to have people who go out of their way for you.
You deserve to have your needs met by the people in your life with whom you are in relationship. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt that a friend is never there for you when you need him or her. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is something unequal in the relationship--and it's up to you to set a boundary against it. You've got to set boundaries against people who are harming you by neglectful behaviors.

This could happen during the abuse cycle of sweet/mean or the devaluation discard phase of love bombing. No matter who it is, it is your responsibility to yourself to take care of YOU. 

These people only do things on their terms. They will only meet your needs on a very slim level, at their convenience--only if it involves meeting their needs as well. Anything that falls out of bounds of their ease in meeting your needs will have to be taken care of elsewhere, outside the relationship. Meanwhile, you're behaving normally, giving real empathy down the drain. Basically you're keeping the whole relationship alive.

Consider your current relationships. Are you feeling a weird gap in how your being attended to? Do you feel hurt by the disconnection? Are you frustrated when they don't call you for weeks, then pop up wanting to connect without addressing all that has gone on in your life? Are you going overboard keeping a relationship alive that has an essence of neglect?

This article could be an entire book! I have so much to say on the topic. The important thing is that you set boundaries. This can be difficult, because if you're used to be neglected, you may not even realize it is happening. You will have to get super-in-touch with your gut feelings, your intuition to even know there is an issue. Your feelings tell you when a boundary needs to be set.

A boundary can be speaking up for yourself. Saying, hey, I've noticed that you're not there for me when I need you. That's not working out for me. Can you try giving more to this relationship?

Or, I don't like it when you give me the silent treatment by not reaching out to me or returning my calls/texts. Please stop doing that because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't be around you if you're giving me the silent treatment.

The hard part is walking away from neglectful people. People who you thought loved you. When you set boundaries and walk away, you realize that the love was very one-sided. You were the one doing all the work, and settling for brokenness and disconnection and unfulfilled needs. That's when you discover that the neglectful person didn't really care enough about you to meet your needs... and that's when you have to ask yourself, have I really lost anything?

I think not. You gain self respect when you walk away from people who are unwilling to engage in an equal, respectful way towards you. Yes, it hurts to lose people in your life, but setting boundaries keeps you safe. It is beneficial and loving to yourself to stop giving, giving, giving and getting nothing (or crumbs) in return. You are a special being. You deserve equal treatment.

Use the energy that you used to use for feeling like a victim of this person's behaviors to empower yourself to find and open up to more reciprocal relationships. They are out there, you just have to stop putting up with neglect.

Much love. You can do it.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Dont Feel Guilty for Setting Boundaries

Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. Don't feel obligated to be nice to everyone. Be firm. Be assertive. Don't be a doormat. Don't react to people who are violating your boundaries. Just use the broken record technique. Don't let people come into your life and take over. Set boundaries and keep new people set back until they prove themselves; that they are worthy to be in your life. Don't worry about their feelings. You're not responsible for how other people feel.  

If someone feels bad because you have boundaries and limits, that is not your problem. Don't over empathize because that will destroy your identity.

BE IN AWE OF NO ONE. Don't idealize. Nobody is worth losing yourself. Even if they seem super-nice and seem to be willing to meet your needs. That doesn't give them the right to override your truth. People who are unwilling to respect your boundaries, or who feel entitled to special treatment will not hang around long. Self respect and boundaries repels toxic people.

Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. Don't feel obligated to be nice to everyone. Be firm. Be assertive. Don't be a doormat. Don't react to people who are violating your boundaries. Just use the broken record technique.

Don't let people come into your life and take over. Set boundaries and keep new people set back until they prove themselves; that they are worthy to be in your life. Don't worry about their feelings. You're not responsible for how other people feel. You are a separate person who deserves to have rights and who deserves to be respected.

Make sure the people you let in are givers, not just takers. Make sure you have equal engagements with people who know how to respect you. This takes time to determine. A person unfolds over time. Watch for red flags. Don't just roll over and abandon yourself. Take your post! Guard your heart.

People who are unwilling to respect your boundaries, or who feel entitled to special treatment will not hang around long. Self respect and boundaries repels toxic people. 

Make sure the people you let in are givers, not just takers. Make sure you have equal engagements with people who know how to respect you. You matter. Don't let anyone walk over you like you don't exist. You can be kind, sweet, generous and wonderful to those people who deserve it. Don't give yourself away. Stand up for what's important to you. Protect the value that you have to offer.

Friday, June 9, 2017

How the Covert Narcissist Stabs You with Negative Comments

Negative comments that are intentionally made by an abusive person are hurtful. These little jabs, which can be seemingly small can destroy your self esteem and even damage your physical health without you realizing it. These covert soul-destroying comments are done by manipulative people who wish to make you to doubt yourself and to invalidate your experience. It's important to steer clear of negative comments meant to stab you by going no contact, having limited contact, or setting boundaries by speaking up for yourself.

Sometimes it is not so easy to notice negative comments, but they do still stab you and they do still hurt. If you're dealing with a sneaky, sly, intelligent covert narcissist, they will couch these negative comments in clever ways. The higher you get along your healing journey, the more educated you become, the more you rewire your brain to self love, the easier it becomes to detect these negative jabs and not take them personally.

When you know it's happening, you can externalize the insult, which is to not take it personally. When you know it's happening, you can take up for yourself... or at least know that it's not about you. It's about the narcissist and his or her need to tear you down because they need to feel superior. The toxic person NEEDS to make you feel bad because they are not embodied. They are driven by their false self to gain power and control. They have no true self so they want to snuff yours out like a vampire.

Here is a list of ways people can make covert negative comments that are meant to stab you, without doing it directly.

Making a negative comment about another person that you intuitively sense the person also feels about you. 

This happened to me for years until I finally realized it at the age of 41. There was a certain person in my life whom I loved and trusted dearly, and she would make negative comments about other people that related to my weakness or perceived weaknesses. She would also make positive comments about others related to my perceived weaknesses. This is negative validation; when a person validates areas of your own negative self esteem.  Not all negative comments are obvious, but they always jab you and bring you down

Turning on the light and seeing the truth for the first time is astounding. It's like you're living in the movie "The Truman Show." Suddenly you figure out that all these sweet and smiling people were manipulating you into a false reality. When you can see clearly in one relationship, it opens your eyes to abuses in other relationships as well.

Making a comment about another person who has let others down, and then later attributing the same characteristic to you.

I have found that covert manipulators will say snarky things about other people in your presence, and then later on--sometimes during the same conversation, will mention that you are the same way. If you're in a covert narcissistic relationship dynamic and you're the victim, you may experience cognitive dissonance and feel uncomfortable. However, you may not catch what is happening.

You may just go away from the conversation feeling poorly. Or you may bring this discomfort and self doubt to the narcissist herself, seeking validation. Then the covert narcissist has you under her control. She can choose to build you up (love bombing) or refuse to meet your dependency need (discarding you). Either way, you're the one who ends up with the deficit. As you heal, you learn to validate yourself and steer clear of this manipulation and control.
Yawning or showing body language of disinterest or boredom. 

This implies that you are boring and not worth listening to. If you have empathy, you will relate with the person and shut down your conversation. It is a subtle hint that what you have to say is not important. I understand tired, but if you're sharing your heart in a deep way and someone yawns or acts bored, you're sharing with the wrong person. This person could be covertly trying to insinuate that you don't matter. The opposite is true. Your feelings matter a great deal and what you have to say is very important and meaningful.

Don't fall for this ruse and think you don't matter. Validate yourself and remind yourself that the problem is with the apathetic, toxic person, not you. The person who is tuning you out and giving vibes that you're not worth hearing has an issue with you. He feels that you ARE TOO important, and therefore he needs to bring you down a notch. Combat this tactic with internal validation and affirmations such as, "MY FEELINGS MATTER. I AM WORTHY OF BEING HEARD. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WILL LISTEN TO ME INTENTLY."

Making negative comments about themselves that could potentially be an issue or soft spot for you.

Beware of someone who degrades himself or herself to you. This almost always has a covert, underlining purpose. A toxic person will actually comment negatively about himself or herself in order to get you on the same bandwagon about yourself. We are wired to connect and mirror one another. If you're not careful, you can go into a spiral about how bad you are based on someone else's comment they've made about themselves. You have to stay aware and validate yourself against such comments. I also try to say something to stop it if possible, though this one is hard to detect.

Overcoming this tactic is about recovering from codependency. This is about creating space inside your own psyche that allows other people to have their issues without enmeshing and merging your feelings about yourself with their opinion of themselves. However, when the toxic person pushes your buttons by bringing up things that truly bother you about yourself, it's difficult to separate yourself from their stinging comments. It feels uncomfortable. Trust your intuition.

Telling you the negative things that someone else says about you.

There is a time when it's important for you to know that another friend is being two-faced. But when you have a so-called friend telling you detailed accounts of the negative things that someone else has said about you, you are encroaching upon abuse. This is not okay. Do not tolerate anyone telling you the negative things someone else says or is saying. Just shut it up. You don't need to know! This is about that toxic person, not you. Set a boundary. Hang up the phone. Leave the conversation. This is a red flag. No true friend would wax on about negative comments made about you. Good friends want to lift you up and make you feel amazing, not tear you down and make you feel worthless.

Figuring out what your weaknesses are, and then sharing their strengths which are your weaknesses. 

A toxic person may interrogate you, question you to find out personal information about you. If you are a trusting and empathetic person without good boundaries, you may be inclined to share too much information with someone you don't know well enough to trust. People take time to unfold. You may end up giving personal information about what bothers you to someone too early in the relationship, before you find out that this person is dangerous. When you do this by accident or unconsciously or consciously, the toxic person uses this information against you by bragging about their own thin body, great career, loving relationship or close bond with their siblings. The toxic person uses your weaknesses to further pull you down and make you feel insecure about your own self doubts by playing up their superiority.

It's okay for people to be proud of themselves. It's okay for people to share about their accomplishments and good attributes. This is healthy, and it's good for you to be able to validate in your relationships and give credit where credit is due, HOWEVER, if there is a weird pattern going on of them bringing up specific things that bother you about yourself but that they excel, then you can tell you're dealing with someone who is toxic. Toxic people will purposefully say things to make you feel less-than them because they feel so worthless themselves, they can't afford for you to have an ounce of affirmation, validation or connection.

Becoming your advisor on an area in which you are lacking and they're succeeding, without you asking for any advice. 

I am single, so it's irritating to me when a married woman sits down with me and tries to become my advisor for catching a man. This is super toxic! People who are harmful to you assume that you need advice, without finding out anything about you. They have a need to appear superior to you and feel that they need to take the one-up role of advisor. You know these people are toxic because they never share their own vulnerabilities. They act like their lives are perfect. You can catch these types in lies if you're skilled. They put on a mask of perfection, while giving you advice to "help" you in an area in which they feel you feel you are lacking, without even finding out where you're really at and/or what really matters to you.

Reminding you of the time they let you down.

A covert narcissist takes pleasure in your pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. A toxic person gets a thrill out of harming you and hurting your feelings. Why? Because it makes them feel superior, and if you're being controlled and manipulated by them, then it makes you feel like shit, which is a double win for the toxic personality type. This poisonous person likes to remind you in subtle ways of the time they let you down, almost as if to rub your face in it. They mention it in casual conversation... It's very difficult to detect this one, but it happens and it is there. These little digs are like hammers nailing you lower and lower, taking your dignity down with it.

Reminding you of how ____ you are.

This is a hard one to recognize too, especially if you've been abused by a covert narcissist person or family system (Snake Pit) your entire life. These toxic people are always covertly, slyly reminding you of how annoying you are, ridiculous you are, outlandish you are. Insert your own word for the blank: crazy, selfish, inconsiderate, stupid, needy, suicidal, sensitive, abused, single, depressed, ugly, fat, thin, frail, poor, broke, just about any adjective you can think of. They try to label you and keep you in a role in order to control you and break you down.


These are just a few ways a narcissist stabs you with negative comments. Watch out for these behaviors. If you notice these behaviors, it is a red flag that you're dealing with a covert narcissist. You can go for years and years without realizing that you're dealing with a very toxic person. It is dangerous to stay around such toxic people because it damages your self esteem and keeps you in a downward trajectory, away from your true passions and purposes. Go No Contact with negative people. Keep your distance. Protect your heart and stay safe. You are valuable and you need to be treated with love and respect. Find people who build you up, not tear you down. Good people are out there. Keep growing.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Listening to Your Intuition

INTUITION: The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. (Google)

It's vital that you learn to listen to your intuition. Your intuition is your number one defense against abuse from others. Your intuition speaks to you loudly and clearly, but you cannot hear it unless you've been taught to hear it.

You are born with instincts. You are born with an intuition. Along the way, you can lose track of this vital tool that is yourself, that protects and guides you in myriad ways. You are born with feelings. Your intuition IS your feelings. Your feelings tell you exactly where you are at all times, however, many of us are dismantled from our intuition as children in our development.

Reasons We Ignore Our Intuition
  • We are taught that our feelings don't matter.
  • We were fooled into believing the illusion that other people know what is best for us.
  • We continue to act as though our feelings don't matter.
  • We ignore our feelings as unimportant, stupid, crazy, wrong. 
  • We seek out the advice of others because we don't trust ourselves. 
  • We don't want to rock the boat. 
  • We have negative core beliefs about our worth and value.
  • We were invalidated as children and we continue to invalidate ourselves today.
  • We invalidate our gut feelings. 
  • We need love so much, we're willing to abandon ourselves. 
  • We were taught that our intuition is wrong, faulty, incorrect.
  • We were taught to put the feelings of others ahead of our own.
  • We were unplugged from our intuition by people who wanted us to serve their needs.
  • We were taught to disregard our intuition by parents who wanted to control us.
  • We were taught to disregard our intuition by an abusive upbringing.
  • We were taught that our feelings are stupid, shameful and should not exist.
  • We were taught to put the intuition of manipulative people ahead of our own.
  • We were taught by our culture that we should follow the group. 
  • We were taught by the church to think our feelings are bad and that we are sinful.
I am sure there are other reasons why you may have unplugged from your intuition. That's all I can think of right now, and you get my gist. I'm saying that your intuition is like an alarm system, a guidance system rolled into one. Your intuition is who you are and without it, you can't function properly.

Typical Advice to Ignore Your Intuition
  • Get over it. (Total selfish disregard of your need for understanding of your feelings)
  • You're too sensitive. (Gaslighting you in effort to make you question your truth)
  • You're too needy. (Blatantly shaming you for your feelings)
  • It's not about you. (Trying to guilt and shame you for your feelings)
  • I don't know where this is coming from. (Like your feelings are alien)
  • You live in the past. (Like 5 minutes ago when you were bashed, doesn't matter anymore)
  • I don't know what you're talking about. (Gaslighting, denial of truth)
  • Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about. (Emotional Abuse)
  • I'm sorry you took it that way. (Invalidation of your feelings) 
Reconnecting with Your Inner Truth

Getting in touch with your intuition is about getting in touch with your feelings. This requires work for most of us. Because in the way of getting in touch with your feelings, there may be a lot of grief work that needs to be addressed. You will also need to deal with loads of toxic shame that took the place of your true self as you were being denied a voice.

Your intuition is the backbone of your voice. Your ability to speak up for yourself and set boundaries and limits with others is guided completely by your intuition. You have to learn, or re-learn how to attune to your intuition if you were abused as a child, or treated improperly, or neglected in any way, or if you failed to properly move on to autonomy through your developmental years. You will have to attune to your intuition by knowing your true feelings, and then taking action to protect yourself.

Your intuition is your first line of defense in this world. It will tell you IMMEDIATELY when something or someone is not right for you. Your intuition will protect you from abusive people. It will keep you safe and keep you on the right track; helping you progress to your highest potential.

What I've learned about my intuition throughout my healing journey is to heed it. No matter what, I've learned to go with my intuition above all things I see, hear with my senses. No matter how good something seems, if my intuition is ruffled, I know that the situation is not for me. I've learned to listen to my intuition and set boundaries around myself when my intuition feels a certain way.

When you get to know yourself, you start learning how you feel when things aren't right. You track your experiences, your inner feelings through the mindfulness process. You track what's going on... And you protect yourself by walking away from a situation, or doing a fire drill, bringing out extra security officers (in your head) and really sitting back and slowing down.

Example: I was intrigued by an opportunity to go on a nice trip to Costa Rica with a relatively well known speaker. It was to be a fabulous trip with daily yoga, workshops, site seeing, and a room with an ocean view. I was very interested and seriously considering going on the adventure. However, when I contacted the organization, the woman who served as the intake person was rude, dismissive and arrogant towards me. She was talking down to me and she was unhelpful and unfriendly. I could feel anger welling up in my otherwise peaceful heart. I'd had an amazing day... Yet, this woman's series of emails were getting increasingly disrespectful. She was pressuring me and failing to answer simple questions.

BOOM. That was all the information I needed to know. My intuition told me. STOP. Do Not Go! I realized that I could complain to her superiors. However, I intuitively knew that this was my own heart giving me warning to stay away from this organization altogether. It is my internal guidance system telling me that this is the wrong way to go. Period. I've probably saved myself a lot of grief, disappointment and abuse.

Now, there is a chance that this organization will contact me with niceties and try to start over with me again, however, I will not accept anything from them. My intuition has already given me the warning. I've learned the hard and long way that when I get that gut reaction about something, or involvement with someone, that I need to listen to my heart and STAY AWAY. Even if it means passing up an opportunity for growth, even if it means passing up a relationship, even if it means walking away from someone or something. If my intuition speaks like that--so clearly, I know it's time to walk away and focus on something more fruitful.

What a wonderful gift it is to be cued into your intuition!

What a wonderful gift it is to be able to walk away from anyone, anytime who is disrespectful to me!

What a wonderful gift it is to be myself and follow my own path!

I think this is a valuable lesson. I am learning more every day to stop, feel, listen and take action on my gut reactions, even when I'm being Love Bombed, even when it may seem inappropriate for me to not attend an event. It's valuable that I please myself, and live by my own values and truth. May you do the same.

  • My feelings matter.
  • My feelings are correct.
  • My feelings deserve consideration.
  • My feelings guide me along my path.
  • My feelings need to be experienced.
  • My feelings need to be considered.
  • My feelings need to be expressed.
  • My feelings are who I am.
  • My feelings serve as a fire alarm for my life.
  • My feelings will never lead me astray.
  • My feelings are right.
  • My feelings are worthy of my trust.
  • My feelings deserve room to exist.
  • My feelings are normal.
  • My feelings are my intuition. 
Your feelings protect you from abuse. Your feelings warn you. Your feelings keep you from being a doormat if you listen to your own heart and take action. Taking action involves first becoming aware of your true feelings, and then validating your own feelings. You have to back yourself up and believe in your own feelings before you can trust your intuition. Your gut feelings will always tell you when someone or something is wrong for you--even if it seems so right. You know the truth--you just need to listen to it.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

The Abandoned Baby Racoon

I rescued a baby racoon today. I was running around the lake prepping for a triathlon near my home in Dallas and there it was. A riveting baby racoon. An abandoned, alone, terrified, petrified, hungry, desperate baby racoon was there in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I videoed it to get advice from my Facebook friends. I was empathetic, yet scared of this wild animal. Why? I don't know. That's not my point.

Anyway, the point I want to make in this post is that this is a baby. All alone in a scary world. All it has is its cute face and adorable noises to get by and survive. I could have been anyone. I could have been a predator. This baby was wide open for harm. No one was there to protect it. It had no shelter. It had no adult racoon by its side. It had no dignity.

All this baby knew is that it needed me. It needed me and it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I'm not a racoon. It didn't matter that I can't raise it and teach it what it needs. It didn't matter. This baby needed love and protection. It came to me, not like a wild animal trained in the wild, but like a breath of life, in need of love and protection. It didn't do anything to deserve to be abandoned.

I was on foot with 4 miles left to go to reach my car. I was in no condition to care for a suckling racoon. I was flabbergasted and aghast by the way people were glancing at it and passing it by. I made some noise. I made a big deal, and finally some cyclists with heart stopped.

The one cyclist who helped the most wasn't afraid of the animal. The baby ran to him as he sat on the ground. He says the baby was looking for milk. He had knowledge of the age by the tongue. He seemed knowledgeable, he was taking control, he was calling help, so I left. I had no power to do anything. The baby was being cared for, that's all that mattered to me.

I was a voice for that baby all alone on the trail. I did my job, and my spirit tells me that baby is more than safe now, even though I don't know how things turned out.

The point of this post is the desperation of this baby racoon. How vulnerable and needy it was. How it needs protection. How it needs love. How this wild animal will come to anything for shelter.

This leaves my heart broken. That this baby racoon will have no mother. Will not get to experience the life it is supposed to live. And here we are on Mother's Day, and I find a baby with no mother.

Profound. I know how this baby feels.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

How to Sink a Love Bomb

Overstimulation / love bombing feels uncomfortable when you're meeting your own needs and operating as a whole self. Only if you think you're missing something will you be led astray and victimized by love bombing. Different love bombers come through depending on your level of self love, your vibration. If you are truly yourself, these intruders become more obvious... and eventually, they are still there always, yet you remain intact.

You set boundaries (internally and externally - physically and energetically) and ultimately, you feel better being yourself. You don't need the escape that the love bomber pretends to offer as they groom you to be their source of narcissistic supply. You see right through their attempt to set you up so they can let you down, or exploit you in some other way.

You grow and you learn that these love bombers tap into your wound, your fantasy place from childhood neglect. They steal away your inner child. Appear to meet the unmet childhood dependency need, however, this is a child's fantasy that can never be fulfilled, therefore, you must grieve the fantasy. They always let you down with the discard phase. So it's important to protect yourself by taking care of yourself emotionally. This means you must GRIEVE the fantasy of getting all your validation needs met externally. Grieving allows you to take the loss and move forward. Grieving helps you to see reality as it really is, not through the eyes of you as a helpless child.

You can nurture yourself. You can save yourself by facing the emotional truth BEFORE you encounter a love bomber. You can count your own losses without having to face it again and again through repetition compulsion. 

Grieve the fantasy to see the truth of this love bombing ideal. As make-believe as a fairy tale, stuffed animal, Santa Clause. Grieve the loss of this idealized fantasy replacement parent in order to see clearly and process, create narrative and attach to healthy others. Awareness is key. Remind yourself. This is a fantasy that can never be fulfilled by anyone and that is sad and painful, but in the words of Pia Melody, "You can handle your own pain." Taking care of yourself, validating yourself and being your own hero helps you withstand the wicked lies of the parasitic love bomber.

The love bomber leaves tell-tell clues that are unique to your individual wound. Learn to recognize the tells of your weakness to others in real time. It takes practice, but it is possible to figure out. Once you are unable to be love-bombed, you are empowered to own your own energy and direct your own life. No one can trick you into drinking their sweet sap that will eventually poison you. You are the winner of yourself. They will deliver one last attempt to penetrate your healthy self defenses, before they're off to find another host/target. They are desperate to feed their insatiable need for superficial superiority. Starve them of the opportunity. Let them sink as you rise!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Narcissists Try to Hijack Your Agenda

Narcissists try to hijack your agenda. They want their agenda to be your agenda. Their agenda is an illusion that they've created in their own minds that they are greater than, better than you, that they are superior, and you are an underling. You are inferior, lacking and failing to live up to this illusory agenda they've created.

This agenda may be a part of your own agenda. Narcissists are good at picking up your areas of weakness or self-concern, and turning this into their agenda for your life. They figure out what bothers you most, what they have that you don't have, then they shape the conversation to insinuate that you're lacking in the meeting up to the expectations of this pie-in-the-sky agenda that they have for you.

Narcissists that do this are most likely to give unsolicited advice on how to achieve a goal that you're already working on. In an area they know you're heading to achieve already, they will offer advice to help you achieve your existing goals in a way that makes you look inferior and them look superior.

They will offer advice in your area of interest, and this seems quite innocent. However, the advice that they give you is offered in a condescending way, all the while they're bragging to you about their achievements in the same area. This creates a wide hypothetical gap between how you are perceived by yourself compared to this narcissist. The worst thing is, this agenda hijacking is done on purpose, with the intent to one-up you.

It's crucial to look at your relationships and interactions, and to make sure that this is not going on. Having someone hijack your agenda, make you feel less than, make you feel like they are better than you cannot happen. You must look at your engagements from a higher perspective and begin positioning yourself in these situations as an equal person with your own agenda.

Here are a few tips you may want to consider:
  • Shut down unsolicited advice. There is no reason a casual acquaintance should be giving you advice about achieving your goals at happy hour. Please! Happy hour is to be happy and chit chat. If someone starts advising you on who to date, how to get a date, how to get a better job, or how to do your current job better or how to make more money, without you asking for it. Shut them down with a boundary. If they won't stop, leave their presence, ignore them, or move. If they can't seem to stop cutting you down by acting like you're not meeting the expectations of their agenda--you can always leave.
  • Confront the Agenda. You can confront the agenda hijacking plan directly. You can ask them why they're bringing that up? You can ask them if they're doing okay according to the agenda they're implying that you're failing to meet.
  • Bring Your Whole Self to the Table. Remind yourself at all times of your accomplishments. You are likely prey for narcisssists because of childhood conditioning. Your past may have taught you to go one-down in the presence of people who are acting as if they're better than you. The solution is to recognize when this is happening and make better friends. And always remember who you are. Keep a list of your accomplishments, your goals, your plans in your mind at all times. Be prepared to back yourself up with validating self talk when someone starts dishing out unsolicited advice and tries to get you in the net of their agenda.
  •  Interrogate their Weaknesses. When all else fails and you can't walk away from the conversation, try interrogating their weaknesses and reminding them of their flaws in order to divert their attention away from you and onto themselves (where it belongs). This is a form of reverse manipulation that is premeditated on your part. You have to stand back and think:
    • "What would be an upsetting aspect of this person?" or
    • "What do I have that this person doesn't have that I can bring up and remind them about to deflect from this conversation they are trying to have about my weaknesses?"
Examples of how this happened to me:
  • My friend was trying to tell me that I need to be in a relationship.
  • My other friend was trying to give me unsolicited advice about a guy who was interested in me.
  • My friend who was telling me where I need to live. 
  • My family members who set the agenda of my entire life. 
 An agenda is a set of limitations, limiting beliefs that the narcissistic type person places on you by encouraging you to take a path or pursue goals that are already on your agenda. They usurp your own agenda and implant their own agenda. Let's say you're merrily enrolling into the college of your choice, the narcissist with an agenda for you would tell you the college you chose is not as good as another college you should have chosen.

The more a narcissist feels intimidated and threatened by you, the more supply they receive when a wounded codependent person takes on the agenda that is not their own.

These agendas I've noticed have to do with something I don't have yet that they do have. Examples of agendas narcissists trap you in when you are wounded and lacking an I AM include:

  • Your choice of career.
  • Your choice of mate.
  • Your lack of mate.
  • Your lack of financial support.
  • Your lack of children.
  • Your lack of a business.
  • Your lack of time freedom.
  • Your lack of education.
  • Your lack of the proper physical address.
  • Your lack of popularity.
  • Your lack of health and well being.  
  • Your lack of proper English.
  • Or whatever!!!
Whatever they see that you lacking, they will bring it up and create an agenda around it. This agenda is meant to do the following:
  • Ensnare you into their control
  • Build them up
  • Tear you down
  • Make you feel inferior
  • Drain your self esteem 
These narcissists use the overall AGENDA, or ILLUSION of who you should be and what you should have in order to control you, make you feel insecure,  and to gain narcissistic supply. The narcissistic supply comes from you idealizing them for having whatever it is that you are lacking. The narcissistic supply also comes from the pain and confusion they know you're feeling, as well as from their keen ability to dupe you into falling for their tricks.

The AGENDAs of narcissists are a trap. It is a form of manipulation and gaslighting in attempt to drain you of self worth and self esteem. You could be going happily on your way, just fine where you are, then the disordered person makes a suggestion that who yo are and what you are doing is not enough, or somehow triggers one of your own perceived failures. Then, you are easily led down the shame spiral conversation that you suck and they are as good as god.

Narcissists remind you of your flaw and exploit your perceived weaknesses to build themselves up and tear you down. Once they trigger you, they don't stop there, but continue to lead you around by the dog collar through the labyrinth of their agenda for your life. Untangle yourself by being aware, setting boundaries, validating yourself and living to the beat of your own heart.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Narcissists Won't Take Your Side

If you are looking for love, validation and support from the narcissist, you are wise to look elsewhere. The narcissist will reel you in by offering love bombing and doing anything and everything in the world for you, but once they have you--they will not take your side.

Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.

They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you. 

It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.

The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.

This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.

The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.

It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.

These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.

This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.

Screw that!

Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways
  • They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
  • May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
  • Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
  • Plays dumb. 
  • Ignores you.
  • Becomes distracted.
  • Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
  • Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
  • Stonewalls.
  • Changes the subject. 
  • Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
  • Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
  • Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
  • Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination. 
  • Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past. 
  • Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with. 
Healthy People Have Your Back
It is so easy to take someone's side. This is an easy, empathetic thing to do. A person with a heart will naturally be open to supporting those they love. They will come to their side naturally. It's a normal, natural thing to do, to validate someone's upset whom you care about. Granted, if it's two people you feel strongly for, perhaps you cannot be on one side or the other, but still, you validate the position of the person who is confiding in you about the hurt and pain they've endured or are enduring.

Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.

Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.

Covert Messages in the Lack of Support

It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:
  • I don't support you.
  • I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
  • I believe you are wrong.
  • I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
  • I am superior to you.
  • What you think is wrong.
  • What you feel is wrong.
  • Other people are superior to you.
  • People you argue with are more right than you are.
  • You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
  • You don't know how to feel.
  • I know how you should feel.
  • You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
  • I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present. 
  • I don't believe in you.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
  • You can't count on me for support.
  • You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
  • You are to blame for the argument.
We all need people to love and support us in our lives. When we are surrounded by narcissists, we are surrounded by people who will not take our side. When someone will not take our side, we are left deficit. A very important need goes unmet.

As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side.  This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.

Validation is on Your Side

You deserve validation!!! 
  • 1st you deserve validation from yourself. 
  • 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
  • 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
  • 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation. 
  • 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
  • 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.
This topic is akin to withholding of approval. In childhood, when a parent withholds approval, it is considered emotional neglect. The failure to meet a primary dependency need of the child. As an adult, we shouldn't NEED approval from others, but we should be naturally drawn to people who actively listen to us, believe in us, support us and take our side against the onslaught of rude, manipulative, hurting people who come into our lives.

When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.

Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Become a Patron on Patreon for SelfLoveU YouTube Videos
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Dumb Things That Offend the Narcissist

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  • A topic that you want to discuss.
  • You having rights. 
  • You feeling confident.
  • You feeling confident to determine what topics to discuss in your relationship.
  • You looking good.
  • Your life being great. 
  • You talking about your accomplishments.
  • You talking about what is important to you.
  • You discussing things you like such as art, intellectual pursuits, your travels.  
  • You discussing your emotions.
  • You sharing details of your life.
  • You having close relationships with others.
  • You enjoying your life. 
  • The way you hold your paint brush.
  • The way you cook dinner. 
  • The way you dress.
  • The way your sweatshirt has big giant lips on it.
  • The way you talk about a certain issue.
  • The way you're on your own path or course. 
  • The way you achieve at work with accolades and promotions. 
  • The way you perceive their manipulative actions as negative.
  • You being a separate person with separate needs.
  • You needing anything from them emotionally.
  • You calling them out on their bad behaviors. 
  • When you let them know you don't like something they do.
  • The way you live your life.
  • Your choice of religion.
  • Your choice of friends.
  • Your choice of jobs, careers, education. 
  • Your need for love, guidance, support. 
  • Your happiness. 
  • Your fulfillment.
  • Your self focus.  
  • You not buying into their agenda of whatever or whomever THEY think you should be. 

Depending on the type of narcissist you are involved with, this blood-sucking vampire may behave or react in the following ways to your "offense."

  • Silent treatment.
  • Gaslighting - Telling you that reality is something that it's not. 
  • Acting emotional, like you've just said the most hurtful thing ever when you said nothing negative to them at all. 
  • Raging 
  • Stonewalling 
  • Stealing your emotional mojo / focus. 
  • Making outrageous accusations. 
  • Give you a guilt trip.
  • Divert the argument.
  • Try to make you feel wrong or bad or ashamed. 
  • Take the side of someone who is against you.
  • Accuse you of doing them harm where no harm was done or intended. 
  • Playing the victim. 
  • Belittle you.
  • Refuse to acknowledge your ideas, or whatever you're discussing.
  • Act as though what you're saying is trivial.
  • Act as though what you're saying is disgusting, ridiculous and offensive. 
  • Monologues 
  • Attacking you.
  • Attacking others who have the same attributes as you.
  • Acting like they don't understand and need endless clarification.
  • Repetitive negative conversation patterns that don't do you any good. 
  • Asking you for something, help, emotional support.
  • Ranting and raving
  • Bringing up negative topics. 
  • Acting out, going on a tailspin, being a hot mess. 
  • Telling you what to talk about.
  • Shaming you for being yourself. 
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a high point.
  • Reminding you of a past mistake when you're at a low point.
  • Ignoring you.
  • Being distracted while you're talking.
  • Failing to validate your reality by active listening. 
  • Refusing to meet your needs.
  • Sulking.
There are many more things to add to both of these lists. Can you think of more??? 

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Narcissists Play Dumb to Gaslight You

Narcissists pretend like they are victimized by your normal behavior. They act like they are offended by something you say when whatever you said is innocent and harmless. Narcissists act like whatever you said was heinous and highly offensive. They want you to feel that you are wrong and offensive, like you cannot be understood and like your normal ways of being and talking are unacceptable. This is in attempt to control and manipulate you. They take offense in illogical ways to the empath's normal behavior. This is called GASLIGHTING.

It is emotional abuse to act offended to a benign incidence, statement or position of another person. It is called gaslighting and should not be tolerated. The narcissist is trying to make you wrong. Take you away from your truth and get you tied up in their stupidity. It gets you off your track and onto their track. Gaslighting is a covert manipulation tactic.

Narcissists love to act offended over nothing. They love to play the victim. They love to overreact to innocuous statements you make. They love to play dumb so you will spend your precious energy explaining things to them. They love to suck you dry. Don't fall for it. You don't have to explain yourself or prove yourself. Just walk away. Go Gray Rock. 

If someone is so unintelligent, so unaware, so confused that they are offended by your innocent presence, and offended by your innocent attempts to help them, or your innocent attempts at being human and alive, then they are doing that as a way to take you off track. Gaslighting is about trying to argue with the victim about what's really happening, about reality. The victim keeps trying to explain to the manipulative person what reality is, but the victim continues to deny reality and put forth illogical explanations and pretending to be offended, confused, misunderstood. This causes the empath to work overtime and focus on the creepy parasite narcissist who is playing the empath like a fiddle. 

This is how narcissists control you. They pretend that they are hurt by you, that they don't understand you, that you must help them and prove yourself. Meanwhile, you are taken off track, thinking about helping them to understand and not be hurt, rather than focusing on your own life and your own purposes. They want you to keep coming to them for validation of reality. Do not allow them to take you over in this seemingly innocent way. This is the way your self esteem is being leaked out and makes you feel awful. These little micro manipulation tactics add up to huge loss in self esteem and self actualization. 

DON'T FALL FOR GASLIGHTING. Get educated. Become aware. Don't be played.

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Narcissist Seeks to Control Your Solar Plexus

The narcissist goes after the Solar Plexus of a person. He or she tries to circumvent one's self from one's self and onto the narcissist. The narc tries to dominate your sense of I AMness. The narc wants to control you by confusing you about who you are, what you can do, what matters to you. The narc wants you to have an external locus of control instead of an internal locus of control. The narc wants you to look to them for approval, validation as if they are god. Like a parasite, the narcissist wants to exist on your core of love.

He or she will feed you to some extent, until it has you, or unless it has to. Once you are sufficiently discombobulated internally through gas lighting, silent treatment, victimhood, triangulating, raging, chaos, wounding, intermittent reinforcement, lying, put-downs, insults, commands, disrespect, then the narc has you where it wants you: Detached from self and traumatically bonded to the narcissist's control. Objectified. Lost.

The narc wants to control the agenda and make you fall for whatever illusion they're selling about how you should be, what you should think, what you should feel. The manipulator wants you to believe that you are lowly and inferior and that the narc is all knowing, all powerful and highly superior. News Flash: They are full of horse spit.

Your solar plexus is your center of I AM. The narcissist is envious of this life force in you. The narcissist doesn't have a true self, as it's been submerged during their development. The narcissist is a false self that can only thrive by the supply of your true self, the power of which emanates from the Solar Plexus Chakra. Your place of knowing who you are, what you want, what you can do, what you will do. It's your everything and the narcissist wants to take it from you.

If you are wounded in your SP, then you will be easy prey for the narc. If you do not know who you are, the narc will define you for you. If you don't know who you are, you will feel desperate for definition and you will seek and attract those who will balance your sense of powerlessness. Any obstruction of your sense of who you are, of your I AMness, your internal locus of control, causes a loss of self and turns you into a puppet belonging to someone or something else.

You must know who you are. This happens along your healing journey once you've felt all the feelings and eradicated most of your toxic shame. Once you are rooted through the Root Chakra, you can handle your power... the power found in the Solar Plexus Chakra - Manipura.

The narcissist parent does not teach the child about their own power because a child is so flexible and vulnerable. The parent can use the child's power from birth. The child can become conditioned to give away power through their development--that is, conditioned to give up their own sense of being and instead live to please--exert energy on, worship the external source (narcissistic parent). If you were raised in a narc tank, you may have no sense of your own power physically, emotionally or mentally. You may have no sense of a concentration of your own energy but rather experience the opposite--giving your energy away to thieves. Instead of joy and bliss, you experience depression, low self-esteem and psychosomatic health problems.

It's traumatic to be disconnected from your true power.

If you're maligned in your solar plexus, your self energy becomes focused outward, on needing validation from others (dis-empowering), instead of coming from within--validating the self. (empowering). This is messed up. A whole self comes from within and experiences the world with the five senses--as well as a spiritual component. All this gets stolen when you are wired to care more about what others think than you care about yourself. Your identity becomes enmeshed with someone outside and you can never become a full, whole and complete individual.

But wait! There's hope. You can ignite your own flame and experience your own power.

A way to get in touch with this power is through meditations on the Solar Plexus Chakra. Meditations that refute the inner lie that says you do not exist, that you have no right to exist, or that your existence is futile, useless, worthless, unlovable. Meditations that stand firm in who you are--who YOU really are.

Who you are.
What you will do.
That you can do it.
That you exist.
That you have a right to exist.

If these very simple understandings were not conveyed to you as a child, then you become stuck in a psychological development stage that is codependent. You must complete the developmental process on your own as an adult using your healthy adult voice, mindfulness, awareness, meditation, affirmations, refuting the negative lies, reparenting yourself.

I will.
I can.
I am.

Daily reminders to yourself of who you are, that you are worthy, that you are confident, healthy, capable, successful, strong, powerful.

All this must be coupled with your own self expansion in every area. You must begin to allow yourself to be who you are according to your senses. Smell, taste, touch, sight... Your physical body must be attuned to, heeded, experienced. You must begin to follow the leadings of your deep intuition and start doing things for YOURSELF that are from your I AM. Whatever those things may be. Wherever those things take you. You have to start living from your I AM and reclaim--perhaps for the first time--your Solar Plexus. Your place of self will, determination, power and existence.

You must protect yourself and the only way to do this is to understand your power. It's like lighting the flame inside your heart. The flame of knowing, understanding who you are and what you're capable of doing, being, becoming. WHO YOU ARE.

You must protect yourself from manipulative people who want to control you and exploit you  and use you for their benefit. They would love to get you into a place of submission. They will use their arrogant, shape-shifting ways to fool you into blowing out your own inner candle.  They will do anything they can think of to knock you down so that you stop existing in your power and bow down to worship them.

If you are in your power you cannot be fooled. You can't be moved. You are strong in who you are, what you want and what you're capable of doing, being and becoming. The narc can't get past you when you stand in your own power and are certain of your own right to exist. You become a repellent to those who would abuse you. You overcome the negativity of others. You realize the value of who you are and this is a show stopper for the narcissist. Light the fire of your I AM.