Thursday, February 28, 2013

100 Traits of a Toxic People

Toxic people wreck your life. When you have trouble loving yourself, that's when you're the most susceptible to being lured into relationships with toxic people. You see, toxic people treat you like you're worthless. If you think that you are worth-less, or if you're not secure in who you are, then you will have difficulty noticing poor treatment. You will also have trouble setting boundaries against attack and protecting yourself from harm. Perhaps you agree with the toxic person's low opinion of you?

A toxic person causes pain, confusion and turmoil in the lives of those around him or her. We're all connected, so their toxic relational styles flows like poison into your heart, mind and soul. The sad part is that when it happens, when we don't know our worth, we blame ourselves.

When I began my last healing journey, the one that led to my emancipation from low self worth, to the world of self love, I found that I was surrounded by vultures. These people in my life had their way with my heart and I had no protection against it. I didn't realize that THEY were the reason I was sad and depressed. It was their treatment of me that brought me down. We are not emotionally equipped to be abused. When we're hurt, we break down. If you're breaking down, chances are it's caused by the way you allow yourself to be treated. Chances are you have a few toxic weeds you need to remove from your garden too.

Toxic people are all around. I read that 50% of people are toxic. I'm finding that to be accurate. Not everyone is friend-worthy. I've learned that if someone hurts me, disrespects me or dishonors me, that that person is not safe for me. I may love that person, but so long as they are toxic, they are not healthy for me and therefore must be pushed away or avoided altogether. It is recommended that you steer completely clear of all toxic people--UNLESS--there is no other recourse: ie: it's your mom, dad, co-worker or boss. Some toxic people must be dealt with, but when you can--RUN.

This article will give you clues to toxic people so you can avoid getting involved with them in the future. Keep away from toxic people and save yourself much grief and turmoil later.

  1. They have grandiose air about them, boasting and bragging about how wonderful that they are.
  2. Flatter you by giving you an inordinate amount of attention, money or time early-on in the relationship.
  3. Cannot admit faults or flaws. Says, "I don't have any," and means it seriously.
  4. Not true to values and norms of society; lacking character.
  5. Disrespect you, do not return your call(s), ignore you, avoid you.
  6. Refuse to deal with issues in the relationship that you bring up.
  7. Blame you when you're upset because of something they did to you.
  8. Overly agreeable at first.
  9. Try to make you feel guilty when you're concerned over something they did to disrespect you.
  10. Mimic you.
  11. Put you down. 
  12. Blames world for their problems. 
  13. Show up late for appointments or cancel at the last minute. 
  14. Expect you to always come to them, rather than give-and-take.
  15. Does not listen to your concerns about the relationship or interactions.
  16. They are actively addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc... 
  17. They need an inordinate amount of attention or high regard from those around them.
  18. They are continually worried about position or rank.
  19. They are overly competitive.
  20. They put you down in any way. 
  21. Try to make you envious by rubbing your nose in their good fortune.
  22. Seem to be envious of you.
  23. Set-up outings with your other friends without inviting you.
  24. Try to create triangles by involving 3rd parties into your disagreements. 
  25. Talk behind your back or gossip about others. 
  26. Continually down, depressed and having catastrophes.
  27. Try to leave you out of the crowd.
  28. Refuse to acknowledge your needs.
  29. Fail to look you in the eye when you're talking. (Look over your shoulder at others instead.)
  30. Lack compassion for what you're going through.
  31. Refuse to share about themselves equally. 
  32. Label you or stereotype you.
  33. Refuse to acknowledge mistakes. 
  34. Refuse to apologize for wrongs. 
  35. Acts entitled to special treatment. 
  36. Manipulative.
  37. Tells lies, exaggerates constantly. 
  38. Down plays your accomplishments.
  39. By your side when you're down, then withdraws from you when you're doing well.
  40. Defensive about everything you do. 
  41. Refuse to validate your perception of reality. 
  42. Attempt to tell you how you feel or tell you how you are. 
  43. Constantly criticizing.
  44. Acts like they worship the ground you walk on one day, then like you don't exist the next. 
  45. Makes you feel worthless. 
  46. Orders you or bosses you around. 
  47. Is overly reliant on parents or another person. 
  48. Won't go out of their way for you, even when you go out of your way for them. 
  49. Ignore your texts, emails or calls at any time. (Big sign of disrespect!)
  50. Does not support you.
  51. Belittles your ambitions. 
  52. Speaks negatively about your friends, job, life. 
  53. Acts like he or she is always in a hurry, with very little time for you.
  54. Acts as though he or she is doing you a favor by talking to you or listening to you.
  55. Treats you as less than if you do not prescribe to their dogma, religion or doctrine. 
  56. Talks bad about those who are mentally ill, sick or hurting. 
  57. Tries to turn you into their administrative assistant (call to remind me, pick-up my cleaning).
  58. Confusing attitudes that change day-by-day.
  59. Does not keep word. 
  60. Seems to be more interested in power than in relationship.
  61. Seems to be more concerned about what others think than about your relationship. 
  62. Treats you as though he or she is angry, without giving explanation. 
  63. Knowingly makes comments that are contrary to your convictions.
  64. Tries to change you. 
  65. Insults your body, clothing, personality or anything about you. 
  66. Not available when you need him or her most. 
  67. Cannot talk about anything other than surface, materialistic or vain topics. 
  68. Does not do what you want to do. Always needs to control your time together. 
  69. Does not share information with you that they have that may help you excel in life.
  70. Constantly complains or whines.
  71. Has anger issues, rages, hates.
  72. Plays games.
  73. Judgmental
  74. Continues to ask the same question after you've told them you don't want to answer it. 
  75. Chews you out for no reason. 
  76. Controlling
  77. Uses money or flattery to control you.
  78. Tells you what to do, how to think, what to feel.
  79. Tells you one thing, then denies she said it.
  80. Brings up your faults, flaws or past mistakes.
  81. Brings up topics every time you see them that they know you'd rather not discuss.
  82. Blows up, flies off handle for no reason.
  83. Always needs to be in the center of attention.
  84. Cool toward you when you succeed, get attention or look good.
  85. Taker
  86. Challenges everything you say.
  87. Negative
  88. Black or white thinking - no gray area.
  89. Moves too fast, wants to become instant friends, lovers, in relationship.
  90. Ignores your boundaries. 
  91. Exploits you.
  92. Idealizes you.
  93. Acts pompous towards you.
  94. Acts condescending towards you.
  95. Agrees with your adversaries instead of supporting you.
  96. Acts like they know more than you, better than you about what you need to do in your life. 
  97. Bitter, vindictive or vengeful.
  98. Selfish, stingy.
  99. Rushes you.
  100. Withholds affection
  101. Kicks you when you're down.  
A toxic person can be anyone. A friend, a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a boss or a co-worker. No matter who it is that is toxic in your life, you must set up strong boundaries against them, and potentially remove yourself from their life.  You cannot change them. The tactics of a toxic person siphons away your self-esteem. Life is too short to be depleted by another person. You need all of yourself possible to live your life and grow as a person.

Relationship Spring Cleaning

Do an overhaul of your relationships, a "Spring Cleaning" if you will. You will find that you're not really missing anything if you walk away from a toxic person. Here's an excerpt from Cheryl Richardson's book,"Take Time for Your Life."

Since soulful connections require an investment of time and energy, you'll want to choose the people you spend time with wisely. To determine whether a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself the following questions.

  1. Write down the name of a person in your life.
  2. Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by him/her?
  3. Is this person critical or judgmental of me?
  4. Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?
  5. Do I feel upbeat and energized when I'm around this person, or depleted and drained?
  6. Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?
  7. Is this person committed to our relationship?
  8. Can this person celebrate my success?
  9. Do I feel good about myself when I'm with this person?

If you suspect that someone is toxic, chances are, you're right. The best thing to do is to go with your gut and trust your intuition. Ignoring your intuition can leave you in a state of confusion. Toxic people are good at playing on your emotions, making you feel ashamed, guilty or obligated to let them treat you with disregard. Don't let that happen! You are a worthwhile person and you deserve to be treated as an equal in ALL RELATIONSHIPS. Don't settle for less. Put up your boundary and pull back or permanently away.

Sign-up for the SelfLoveU Course Today! 

    Friday, February 15, 2013

    Get Off the Clearance Rack

    We allow people to treat us at the level that we think we're worth. If you don't think much of yourself, you'll likely accept sub-par treatment. Raise your asking price. Raise your standards. Don't sit in the broken-isle. Don't accept the lie that you're damaged goods. Learn to embrace your imperfections and see the truth of who you are. YOU deserve to be honored, respected, valued and cherished by yourself and others. YOU name your own price. YOU control what you put up with. You cheapen yourself every time you allow another person to discount you. Get off the clearance rack!!!

    ~ Jenna Ryan

    Sunday, February 3, 2013

    Surround Yourself with Cheerleaders

    Q: Who supports you? Who do you turn to that helps you figure out what's going on in your life? We all need several levels of support. We need people higher up than us who can serve as mentors, we need people who will love us unconditionally, be happy for our successes. We need people we can talk to and share how we feel. You want to surround yourself with a solid support system. Sometimes your support system will change, it's dynamic. Don't fret if someone comes into your life and then leaves. Just replace that relationship with another one. Always be building new relationships that will fill your needs. No one person can do everything. Don't hang onto a relationship that is no longer doing good for you. Learn to release those people in your life who drag you down, make you feel bad or rain on your dreams. Be on the lookout for your cheerleaders, your supporters, and be honest with them. Practice being vulnerable. Practice asking for favors. Practice setting boundaries. Practice listening. Practice intimacy. We can't fulfill our greatness without people around us. Finding your cheerleaders is a way of loving yourself. It's give and take--don't forget to give back to those who are there for you. Don't give up if you mess up. Don't get down on yourself if you're low on cheerleaders, pick yourself up and try, try again until you get it right. One day, you will. ♥

    Don't Over Serve

    What does it mean to "over serve" those around you? I've had issues with "over serving" my whole life. Perhaps it stems from my abusive stepfather who taught me that I needed to overcompensate for my worthlessness. I was taught from a very early age that in order to gain love and acceptance, that I needed to work extra hard. Just being who I am is not enough was the message I internalized. I had to do more than what was asked of me, and I wasn't allowed to notice the unfairness of it all.

    Generosity is a good thing, when it is balanced. Too much generosity is a sign of an unbalanced sense of self worth. Mother Teresa is a noble woman, but living her life is not everyone's calling. Some people give everything away, and fail to keep enough for themselves. This is not a healthy lifestyle. In fact, when you give too much away, it leaves too little for yourself, and can cause you to fail in other areas because of your inability to set limits on what you give.

    Low Self Worth
    Inability to Set Boundaries

    Not only is one who overcompensates unable to set boundaries, but may also have difficulty knowing WHERE to set the boundary. In my case, I was abused as a child and my feelings, my person, my identity was not respected, therefore it can be difficult for me to determine where the boundary should be erected. It is only when it is too late and I'm overwhelmed and experiencing the consequences of over-serving, do I recognize the dysfunction. Once I recognize it, I often have to take drastic measures to solve the problem. It is easier to track your progress along the way.

    I've always been good at going the extra mile, because as a child I was taught that I was unworthy and that I had to work to earn love. We all know that going the extra mile is good, especially when it comes to your career. However, there have been times in my life when I didn't just run an extra mile, I did an extra triathlon and asked if that was okay.

    Consequences of Overserving
    1. You come up short on important resources in other areas of your life.
    2. You are sending a message to yourself that you are not enough as you are.
    3. and everyone else that your worth-less than you are.
    4. You are not appreciated.
    5. You are disrespected.
    6. People take advantage of you.
    7. You have to take drastic steps to remedy the situation, which can create rifts in relationships.
    8. You do everything less effectively.
    9. You are susceptible to being overrun by others who wish to rob you of your time, energy and attention.
    10.  You can lose track of your goals. 
    Why People Over Serve

    Why do people over serve others? Why do they give more than required, requested or expected? Remember, I'm not just talking about "going above-and-beyond the call of duty," which is noble and beneficial to your life if you want to be successful. I'm talking going way beyond necessity, and then STILL not feeling as though you've done enough. My observation is that people over serve because they feel fundamentally worthless. They feel shame for who they are, and instead of dealing with the problem internally, they work out there worthiness externally through the process of repetition compulsion.

    Something inside their subconscious says, "if I can just do this enough, maybe they will approve of me and I will finally be enough." This causes one to do, do, do and do until they can't do any more.

    Oftentimes, people who over serve justify their behavior with idioms and injunctions

    Over serving is another example of the way a person who feels unworthy tries to compensate, or reconcile the "worth while" account.  The reason that it's dangerous is that it's hard to detect, because it is hidden in the virtues of generosity and hard work. Let's face it, there is a limit to the energy you need to exert in order to do a good job. You are not required to give every ounce of breath in order to do a good job. In fact, this is dangerous to your soul. You must ALWAYS, in relationship to people, places and things, save some of you back for you. Never give it all. Even when you hear the idiom, "Give it your all," don't take it literally. If you don't keep some of you back for you, then you will run completely out-of-gas. You are no good to anyone--including yourself--if you are theoretically stranded on t he side of the road, unable to go any further. Always keep reserve fuel for yourself.

    Over serving is an injunction in your heart that says, "everyone is more valuable than me."
    • I am not as valuable as others, so I must give more.
    • What I do is never enough, so I must give until I have not one drop left.
    • What I do is never good enough. 
    • I'm afraid that I will lose something in my life if I set limits. 
     The psychological defenses to low self esteem, and a sense of low self worth is FEAR. This fear, as it is without analysis and without dissection, is wrapped up in FEAR OF DEATH or ANNIHILATION. It's true! The underlying driver of over serving is fear that you will die if you don't give enough.

    The truth is, you WON'T die if you set limits.

    No one will hate you .

    What If You Set Limits?

    One thing to help you understand the importance of setting limits in your own life, and to determine the reasons why you fail to set adequate limits, is to do the "worst case scenario thought string." In this case, I'm thinking about what my true underlying fears are for failing to set limits.
    •  If I set limits on what I do, that person will not like me.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may lose my job.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may lose the client.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may go out of business.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may go broke.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may starve.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may be desperate.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may end up homeless.
    • If I set limits on what I do, I may die. 

    Friday, February 1, 2013

    25 Characteristics of Unresolved Dependency Issues

    1. We assume responsibility for others’ feelings/behaviours

    2. We feel overly responsible for others’ feelings/behaviours

    3. We have difficulty in identifying feelings – am I… mad… sad… glad… scared?

    4. We have difficulty in expressing feelings – am I….  mad… sad… glad… scared?

    5. We tend to worry and/or fear how others may respond to our feelings

    6. We have difficulty in feeling and/or maintaining relationships

    7. We are afraid of being hurt or rejected by others

    8. We are perfectionist and place too many expectations on ourselves and others

    9. We have difficulty making decisions

    10. We tend to minimize,  alter or even deny the truth about how we feel.

    11. Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how we respond and react.

    12. Our fear of others’ feelings (mostly anger) determines what we say and do

    13. We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant others.

    14. We value others’ opinions more than our own.

    15. Our self esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences.

    16. We have major difficulty acknowledging good things about ourselves (Thank you, nice to hear)

    17. Our serenity and mental attention is determined by how others are feeling and behaving.

    18. We tend to judge everything we do,  think,  or say – harshly – by someone else’s standards.

    19. Nothing is done,  said,  or thought that is “good enough“.

    20. We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is both okay and normal.

    21. We don’t know that its okay to discuss problems outside the family,  that they are not “secrets”.

    22. We don’t know that feelings just are – it is better to share them than to minimise/deny/justify them.

    23. We tend to put other people’s wants and needs before our own.

    24. We are steadfastly loyal – even when the loyalty is unjustified – and personally harmful.

    25. We have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others (control struggle).

    Author: Unknown