Thursday, April 30, 2015

Crucial Conversations [Infographics]

The Drama Triangle

Here is the Drama Triangle which is a diagram of unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics.

The Drama Triangle The Three Rolls of Victimhood

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ ‘I was only trying to help!’
Does this familiar? If so, then you are in a game.

A game is an ongoing conversation between two people that ends with bad feelings for at least one of the participants.

Every person has a favourite game that they play out of awareness. The person will play the game repeatedly with different people and in different circumstances but the pattern will always be the same; the person will always end up with the same feeling at the end of the game.

Games are played from the positions of Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor.

Games are a substitute for real connection and true intimacy.

Friday, April 24, 2015

You Have to Love Yourself More Than Your Relationships

No matter who you're dealing with, you've got to hold onto yourself and operate from a place of integration, worth, value and self esteem. You can't put any relationship above your dignity. This includes relationships with friends, lovers, spouses, children, coworkers or acquaintances. Don't withhold from exerting boundaries to keep people in your life. Don't ignore your needs to not be a burden. Set boundaries. Define your personal space emotionally, physically, spiritually. Set lines and assert limits. Be a True, Authentic Person... not a beggar who is grateful for crumbs and terrified of rejection. It's better to be by yourself than to be a door mat. ~ Ms JLR

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle

This video is an excellent explanation of the narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle. The Sweet / Mean Cycle is a manipulative tactic used by toxic people to control you. If you fall for the sweet / mean cycle, you will become confused as you diminish yourself, deny your own needs AND work overtime to make the toxic person happy at your own expense.

The Sweet Mean Cycle is a process the toxic person uses to gain control of their victims. The victim is generally someone who has been abused this way growing up who is groomed to give up their rights and be a puppet to external sources.

This intermittent reinforcement of sometimes nice sometimes mean creates a split in the victim's psyche that sucks up energy and causes one to lose their grip on their own identity, worth and value.

The Sweet Mean Cycle is used by the Perpetrator in the Drama Triangle to entangle his or her victim. Once enthralled, these two people dance around in recurrent roles of Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer. Each wears masks while making the other responsible for their own feelings. Make no mistake. This is a dance on the part of the Perpetrator who uses the manipulative Sweet / Mean Cycle, and the victim who allows it to happen by abandoning his or her self.

This abusive relationship heads downhill fast with the one who has the most power gaining control and benefit. The one who gives his or her power away suffers most.

Monday, April 20, 2015

100 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, so it is difficult to tell sometimes when you are dating one. Some narcissists are overt, others are covert and subtle. Some are extravagant, others are on the down low. Some are successful tyrants, others are low-level wannabes. Here is a list of potential signs that you are dating a narcissist:
  1. They won't show weakness.
  2. They are too good to be true.
  3. They look perfect and everything about them seems perfect.
  4. Their display of feelings for your pain seems contrived.
  5. They are available any time you need them at first. 
  6. They have a history of broken relationships.
  7. They have big problems that make you want to help them.
  8. They are constantly experiencing drama.
  9. They talk about themselves in glamorous ways a lot.
  10. They withdraw and use the silent treatment when you don't give them what they want.
  11. They ignore boundaries.
  12. They ignore your needs.
  13. They are focused on how you look more than the real you.
  14. They speed up the relationship.
  15. They act like they love you without telling you, or they tell you they love you too quickly.
  16. They make you the center of their world.
  17. You feel obsessed about the relationship.
  18. They are nice sometimes, standoffish and mean at other times.
  19. He buys you elaborate gifts or makes elaborate promises.
  20. They play games.
  21. They play the victim.
  22. They have a grand plan for a wonderful business they are starting that doesn't make sense.
  23. They have a low grade job and try to make it sound exotic.
  24. They blame others for their problems.
  25. They do not take responsibility for their actions.
  26. They focus on body parts as a way of turning you into an object.
  27. They don't allow closure of the relationship. They want to keep you on the string.
  28. They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you confused and off-balance.
  29. They invalidate you.
  30. They give you the feeling that you are in some way inadequate.
  31. They are vague about their intentions.
  32. They don't answer questions directly.
  33. They are controlling.
  34. They try to make you feel guilty and obligated. 
  35. They try have a string of lovers whom they've left.
  36. You feel you have to make up for their inadequacies.
  37. Whenever you have an issue, they have an issue that's worse. 
  38. They have major problems in their life that they haven't been able to overcome.
  39. You feel the need to hide parts of your true self.
  40. You feel euphoric when you are with him or her. 
  41. They shower you with attention and don't give you any flack about things you want at first.
  42. Something is not quite right with this person.
  43. This person is super-agreeable.
  44. This person makes all your dreams come true.
  45. You overlook red flags.
  46. You feel like you're in a trance.
  47. You stop doing things you used to enjoy doing. 
  48. This person does things that confuse you.
  49. This person has the relationship on their own terms.
  50. This person asks you to send them photos of yourself via text. (Warning! User!)
  51. This person makes comments like, "You are going to fall in love with me."
  52. This person tells you that they got over their ex easily.
  53. This person will usually talk badly about their exes.
  54. This person may be very materialistic and into external show of status.
  55. This person acts like they have everything going for them, while staying home and playing video games.
  56. This person says they are doing things that don't make sense or are unrealistic. (Like earning 1 Million in commission on a deal they are working, or starting a major internet enterprise that will take over Facebook some day.)
  57. This person will be focused on details about themselves and share it with you ad nauseum. 
  58. This person may seem overly focused on you at first. Don't fall for it!
  59. This person will either have been neglected as a child, or treated like a star (both are abusive and lead to narcissism).
  60. Some narcissists will put you down and try to make you feel inferior. 
  61. Some narcissists will use intermittent reinforcement early-on to make you feel insecure. 
  62. The narcissist will not be willing to meet many of your needs. Only the bare essentials to keep you in the clouds--in what I call the "Narcissistic Trance."
  63. You will need to make up for their inadequacies in some way... (Like they can't take you out because they haven't hit the big time yet with their internet company, so you'll have to stay home and eat sandwiches or pay for the date yourself.)
  64. You may feel a desire to lend them money, clean their place, help them get their life on track.
  65. For some reason you still feel like you love this person, even when they're being a jerk.
  66. You find yourself making excuses for this person's inconsistencies. 
  67. This person tells you who they are with little hints that you ignore. 
  68. You have tunnel vision and believe this person is the last chance you will ever have to be loved.
  69. You have magical thinking and believe you can change this person to be who you want.
  70. This person is extremely attractive and he or she knows it.
  71. This person spends an inordinate amount of time making themselves look good.
  72. This person cares more about image than about substance. 
  73. This person seems to take pleasure in saying things that are hurtful to you.
  74. This person says often things to make you feel possessive or jealous.
  75. This person acts one way one day and completely different the next day.
  76. This person runs away whenever you start getting close.
  77. You feel like this person is doing you a favor by being with you.
  78. You feel like this person is too good for you.
  79. This person makes comments that make you doubt your own truth and your own reality.
  80. This person uses abuse tactics such as withholding, gas-lighting, invalidating, lying, mimicry, to get you off balance.
  81. This person likely boasts about themselves alot.
  82. This person cannot tolerate criticism. 
  83. This person will kick you when you are down.
  84. This person makes promises but does not deliver.
  85. Makes you angry, then blames you for lashing out. 
  86. Tells you that you're being "overly emotional" or "too sensitive."
  87. Projects their negative attributes onto other people. 
  88. Treats wait staff and other "underlings" like trash.
  89. Talks badly about others and gossips frequently.
  90. This person doesn't talk about feelings and won't share his or her feelings. 
  91. This person creates an itch that you can never scratch.
  92. Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile.
  93. The narcissist refuses to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up.
  94. This person may hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. They may also be big into fund raising or church / religion.
  95. This person does not seem to respect, appreciate or have concern for your feelings.
  96. A narcissist can take you or leave you.
  97. A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them
  98. Some narcissists will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are.
  99. A narcissist will fish for compliments. 
  100. A narcissist will drop you if you set boundaries, limits and assert your needs.
As we often say when pontificating about Assholes™, the great paradox of self-awareness is that those who worry most about whether they’re bothering other people mainly bother themselves, and those who don’t worry at all are a huge bother to anyone unlucky enough to cross their path. You can find a happy medium, however, by using reasonable tools for managing your social behavior, like keeping things friendly and superficial and pursuing goals you’ve defined for yourself. Trust in your own rules of etiquette, pursue your social goals, and you will find the sweet spot between obsessive and oblivious.
-Dr. Lastname

A Good Person vs. A Narcissist

Are you someone who has been abused by a malignant narcissist? If so, then you may need a little help in discerning who is good for you, and who will only use and discard you.

A good man or woman has real feelings and shows weaknesses, and this is unattractive to someone who is attracted to the perfection of the narcissist. A narcissist has fake feelings and pretends to be perfect. This feeds into our own feelings of inadequacy. Somehow we think they will externally make up for what we're missing internally.

The narcissist is perfect in a way because he or she does not have feelings. That does give them an advantage over others, but it is not conducive to a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship. Plus, deep down inside the narcissist is empty, alone, fearful and in constant need of narcissistic supply from others. Yet, those of us who are wounded internally are unconsciously seeking a relationship with someone who will not have feelings for us because we are trying to:
  1. Repeat the abuse from our childhood and fix it (repetition compulsion).
  2. Verify ourselves as unlovable, thus proving ourselves right.
  3. Learned behavioral habit due to drama triangle and/or trauma bonds.
You have to know how to walk away. Be willing to stand for what you want over wanting to keep the relationship going. You have to love yourself more than you love the idea of being in a relationship with any person. You have to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that is not nourishing to you. Your dignity must be non-negotiable or you will stay where you are forever and never find and receive the love you deserve. The time is now to figure out what it is inside of you that is attracted to someone who can never give you the love you need and want.

Self Abandonment 

The reason you're susceptible to the narcissist's lies is because there is something about your own self from which you are disconnected. If you are caught up in the narcissistic trance, then you are abandoning yourself in some way. You are not aligned with source inside yourself, with the truth of who you are if you fall for the narcissist's trap. You are unaware of your own ability to complete yourself if you are prone to narcissistic abuse. You are not looking for real love if you fall for a narcissist; you are looking for conditional love to fill up a missing part of yourself that should have been filled in childhood between the ages of 0 to 7 years old.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you may have had difficulties your whole life in feeling "normal." Perhaps you've looked around to see what normal is, only to find advertisements of perfect people, and seemingly perfect relationships between perfectly suited people all around you. Maybe, in effort to be normal and perfect, you're unconsciously trying to get someone in your life who fits your skewed vision of normality and okay-ness.

Maybe deep down, you have a false core belief that you're not as good as other people, but that if you could just obtain a "perfect" and "normal" relationship with one of these perfect people, that you can finally love yourself. That is a version of "If I could just... then I will be okay."

So you set out to find love for yourself externally, through the perfect narcissist. In essence, the narcissist is not a person to you either. Just like the narcissist objectifies you, you objectify the narcissist by making him or her a psychological construct for you to feel better about yourself. This will never work. You can only love yourself by doing the hard work within your own heart for yourself, by yourself and with yourself. Self Love is the only answer to narcissistic abuse.

A good person, a real person who offers true, unconditional love and who has real feelings may not be interesting to you if you are one who has abandoned yourself by trying to get externally what only comes from within. A good person may be repulsive to you if you do not feel good about yourself. You think you need someone to substantiate your worth externally--this is something that the narcissist promises to do but fails to deliver. A good person who is capable of loving you will not promise directly or indirectly to make up for the things you lack. Since what you are needing is to love yourself, you will forever fall prey to the narcissistic personality and narcissistic abuse until you learn to give yourself what you're needing and to stop abandoning yourself for the promises of grandeur you receive from the narcissist.
  • Real people are NOT PERFECT. 
  • Real people will show weakness.
  • Real people will not say everything you want to hear.
  • Real people may seem weak.
  • Real people share real feelings.
  • Real people may not be in awe of you like the narc is at first. 
  • Real people may not be as smooth or slick.
  • Real people may be a little nervous and rickety. 
  • Real people are terrible at playing games.
 A real person is the only type of person who can give you the love you need. If you have something skewed internally, as in, a negative core belief that you are worthless, then you may not be able to receive the real, unconditional love that a real person has to offer. Herein lies your work. Learning to overcome negative core beliefs with the truth of who you are. Learning to let real love in by first loving yourself. Staying present with yourself and unlearning the behaviors and patterns that keep you trapped in the unhealthy trance of loving the narcissist who can never love you back. Learn to recognize the warning signs and protect yourself against narcissists in the future.

Good people are everywhere. Love is all around you. The key for you is to love yourself first so that you can recognize real love, real empathy and real compassion whenever it comes your way.

Good luck! 


5 Steps for Protecting Yourself From Future Narcissists

It is not always easy to recognize a narcissist. This is because the narcissist is very charming and flattering and seems to be everything you want in another person at first. When you are swept up in the narcissists lair, you are like a mouse with a lot of cheese in a mouse trap. You just can't resist until the trap snaps and you're caught.

Narcissists are especially adept at picking up on cues that you need something. Perhaps you have unmet needs left over from childhood. Maybe you feel insecure, unworthy, unlovable, or like something is wrong. The narcissist picks up on this and begins to feed you in the ways that you need. He gives you compliments about things you were uncertain about before. He seems to hang on your every word--which really fills your need for attention. She makes you feel she values you, which helps you to feel like a valuable person. When the narcissist is idealizing you, it feels euphoric. It can literally make you high because of the chemical hormones your body secretes.

This feeling of getting your needs met it very short lived. Eventually the narcissist will discard you and it will erase everything. Not only will you be left with the pain of the original feelings of insecurity, but you will be left with the pain that while you thought you were valuable when he or she was loving you, all that was not true. Hence, you are wounded a thousand times and the hurt is very deep.

You must protect yourself from this happening again. I can't promise you it won't happen, but I promise you that you'll get wiser during this process.

Step 1: Face Reality

The first part of healing from the narcissist is to face reality. This is hard to do, but it is the ultimate necessity for getting out of the Sweet / Mean Cycle Trap. Read this article to learn more about Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You.

Step 2: No Contact

The only way to deal with a malignant narcissist is NO CONTACT.  No contact means NO CONTACT. This means remove the narcissist and all their fawns from your social media accounts. Forget his phone number. Block him from your life 100%. No exceptions. Every time you engage with the narc, he gets an ego boost and you get stabbed in the heart. Put a stop to this immediately. If you contact the narcissist or allow contact, you are the one who is hurting yourself. Stop that.

Step 3: Get Help for Your Issues 
There is a reason you fell for a narcissist. Chances are, you have a narcissistic parent or you're codependent or in some way maligned from childhood development. Maybe you were abused as a child or were raised in a dysfunctional family? Whatever the case, now is the time to get some help for whatever ails you. Seek out a quality therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse. Unless you get help for the parts of you that weakens you to the narcissist's manipulation, you will be prone to fall for another narcissist and get hurt all over again.
Step 4: Fortify Yourself

Now is the time to fortify yourself. This means you need to build ego-strength. You need to fill in the holes within yourself that make you susceptible to the narcissist's abuse and manipulation. You need to become whole in yourself so that you don't need anything that the narc tries to provide. This means you have strong boundaries and you know how to set limits. This means you know how to assert your needs and expect to get your needs met. A whole person does not easily fall for the narcissist.

Step 4: Get in Tune with Your Intuition

Your intuition will tell you who is right and who is wrong. Unfortunately, many of us ignore our intuition completely. If you had difficulties growing up, you may have an intuition that is off the mark. You need to get really strong at paying attention to your inner feelings and instincts as these are a protection against unscrupulous users.

Step 5: Learn to Discern Real From Fake

Real love is sustaining. When someone really cares about you, there are certain words they use, things they say, things they do that make them real. The real person is not perfect... does not say everything just how you want to hear it. The real person will show weaknesses--the fake person will hide weaknesses and show you only what you want to see. Learn to appreciate the realness of others and gravitate to people who are capable of real unconditional love and empathy.

There you have it. The five steps. There is lots involved with these 5 steps, perhaps I'll do a video and more articles on this topic. Would love to hear from you if this article is helpful, or if you have other questions. Follow us on Facebook. Join our Facebook Group and love yourself more every day.

~ Jenna

Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You

One of the most difficult things about being abused by a malignant narcissist is coming to terms with the fact that the person never really loved you or even cared about you at all. Even though this is difficult, it is something you must face courageously, as thinking that they have real feelings will only lead you into a trap. It is only when you face the truth that you can get out of the trap, no matter how hard the truth is to accept.

Idealization / Discard

When you're in love with a malignant narcissist, you are not in love with a real person; you're in love with the illusion that the narcissist created for you. The narcissist puts on a front and acts like everything you want and need them to be until--SURPRISE!!! The narcissist gets you where he or she wants you, then changes into a completely different person... cold, dismissive, hateful, mean, deceitful and unloving. It is quite shocking. It knocks you off balance. This is precisely what the narcissist wants. It is during the "discard" stage that the narcissist starts taking the narcissistic supply that he or she has been grooming you to give.

The narcissist will set you up. Make you think he or she is everything you want, then drop you like a piece of trash. This is well documented all over the internet. I recommend you look it up because I am not going to explain it in detail here... I'm going to talk about how to deal with it instead.

This is called the sweet/mean cycle, or technically, intermittent reinforcement. This is a manipulative tactic that the narcissist performs instinctively, sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing what they're doing. Some narcissists are blatant about it, other narcissists show their mean cycle covertly, subtly so that you can barely tell what's going on, but you know you feel awful.

Intermittent reinforcement does a number on you psychologically. You never know if the person is going to be an asshole, or nice to you. This process causes addiction to set in, just like a slot machine. You literally become addicted to putting a coin in the narcissists slot to see what you're going to get back. Unfortunately, there is no jackpot. You will always, always, always lose... until you learn to let go and forget about them.

All the while you thought your dreams were coming true, but in reality, you were being groomed to give attention to the narcissist. The narcissist becomes everything you want so that you will pine for him or her long after their gone. Your begging, pining, longing and inability to let go feeds the narcissist like a shot of heroin feeds the addict. 
  • No, the narcissist doesn't care how you feel.
  • No, the narcissist doesn't feel badly for what he or she did to you.
  • No, the narcissist doesn't think about you and your good times together.
  • No, the narcissist is not impressed by how good you look.
  • No, the narcissist is not thinking about you.
  • No, the narcissist does not feel guilty.
What does the narcissist feel about you once you're in the discard stage? Ha. It's not pretty...
  • This feels good that he or she is calling me and begging me to care.
  • I can't believe this weakling really thought someone as great as me would want to be with him.
  • Ha ha ha, she's calling again. I'm so glad I have something she wants. I'm not giving it to her.
  • I can't wait to meet another man... in fact, there's a man right there.
  • Who? I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
  • This feels good that someone I think is a piece of shit is calling me all the time. I'm so wonderful.
  • I've got him where I want him.  

Allow Yourself to Feel

When the narcissist hurts you and leaves you, you must allow yourself to feel the sadness. Move through the sadness by allowing yourself to express it. Then, nurture yourself through the process, reminding yourself that the person does not know how to love, cannot treat you right and that the person is bad for you. Dangerous for you. It's important to feel and express your feelings--but NEVER to the narcissist. Sharing how you feel with the narcissist is like feeding a shark blood. It will make them happy and it will make them despise you all the more. Share with a therapist or a trusted friend. Allow yourself to grieve your loss... loving yourself the whole way.

The Vampire is Back!
Now, sometimes it gets confusing because the Narcissist may come back to you. This is because the narcissist always returns to their victims to reopen the wound and seek more secondary narcissistic supply. Rest assured, the narc already has another man or woman on the side that he or she is grooming, but just coming back to you to get you whirling around again in their trap. This process can go on for years. In order to protect yourself, you've got to quit believing that the narcissist thinks like you, has a heart like you, and really cares like you. You have to take care of yourself and let go of the black hole of a heart that is the narcissist.

Evil. Pure evil. It's a travesty to love for someone to use your love like a knife against you.  I'm sorry if you're going through this. I know how badly it hurts, but you've got to be strong and let go. Walk away and never, ever, ever look back. I want to talk about how to take care of yourself when this happens. The first thing you must do when you realize you're in love with a narcissist who has discarded you is to realize that the person you thought cared about you doesn't really exist. It is in facing this fact that you can begin to see things as they are. Face reality as soon as you can. No matter how bad it hurts, once you face this fact, it becomes easier every day to let go.

It's hard to believe that someone who was so perfect and awesome to you... someone who seemed to worship the ground you walked on... someone who was so compatible, giving, loving, caring... someone who showed you in so many ways that they truly needed and cared for you... that this person no longer feels like this. I know how hard it is to face that the person you thought you knew is gone. He never really existed.

She only became who you needed to win you over. She faked her display of feelings for you. She mirrored you in order to get into your heart. She has no feelings other than feelings for herself. She is incapable of love, incapable of empathy. She has no guilt, remorse or feelings for you AT ALL. All you are to the narcissist is an object to be used. All you are to the narcissist is a tub of narcissistic supply. Someone to whine and cry and want her back. She doesn't feel for you when you are in pain. In fact, the malignant narcissist actually enjoys hurting you. Every time you hurt and share your hurt with her, she gets a self-esteem boost. She is sadistic, evil and off to her next victim while you're left in shock, hurting, pining and longing for what you had. It's so hurtful! There is nothing you can do.

All you can do is let go and let go now. The sooner you face the truth, the sooner you can let go and begin to protect yourself from falling for a narcissist in the future. Read my article 5 Steps for Protecting Yourself Against Narcissists.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Photo by Lennie Sparrow - Deviant Art
Narcissists feel like other people are an extension of themselves. This is why the narcissist tries to thwart the sense of self in his or her victim. It is easier to control and exploit one who has no boundaries. Generally, a person with no boundaries was raised by those who are narcissistic. A person with a strong sense of self has strong boundaries that render him or her immune to the narcissist.

Here are tactics that malignant narcissists uses to de-self their victims. Please note: Not all narcissists do everything on this list. Toxic people may only practice 1/2 of these abusive tactics. Some narcs are covert, others are more obvious. There are also different levels of narcissism from healthy narcissim to malignant narcissism.  

It is the malignant narcissist that hurts the most. These are people who have no empathy and who try to gain power and control over others. They have no feeling for anyone but themselves. The cannot love. They do not care about anyone. People in their lives are merely a source of narcissistic supply--objects to be exploited. Malignant narcissists will cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. These are sadistic people who enjoy hurting others and will do anything to maintain their image. These harmful people were likely abused as children either from neglect or over-indulgence. There is no cure for narcissism because most types of narcissists are too self inflated to admit he or she has a problem. Other types of narcissists may secretly believe they are healthy, even if they feign problems. It's all an act to get narcissistic supply. 

Narcissists get self esteem externally from the power that the steal from others. Narcissists feed off the attention of others. When a narcissist upsets you, he or she enjoys your anguish. When a narcissist tricks you and steals your power (if you don't have boundaries and if you're not grounded), the narcissist feels a rush of self esteem. These people are dangerous and cannot easily be cured so it's best to get away.

Invalidation - Disagreeing with one’s thoughts, feelings and/or beliefs. 

Mimicking - Mirroring your likes and behavior in effort to ingratiate themselves to you. This is part of the idealization phase, but can also continue after the narcissist has discarded you.

One-Upping - Trying to maintain a higher status and putting the victim beneath the narcissist.

Gas Lighting - This is an abuse tactic that makes the victim feel crazy.

Blaming - Blaming external sources for their internal mistakes. 

Psychological Attack - This sometimes blatant and other times subtle tactic causes the victim to become upset and need to defend herself. This defending then turns into an argument where the victim is blamed and is also caught up in the situation, thus taken off balance.

Minimizing - The narcissist will minimize the effect of their behavior or abuse.

Control Tactics - Using covert or overt measures to get the victim to do what the narcissist wants her to do.

Golden Handcuffs - Holding financial or other resources over the head of the victim to keep him in line.

Manipulation - Trying to control another person by using psychological methods such as providing selective information, lying, gaslighting, minimizing or other tactics on this list.

Lying - The narcissist and psychopath will lie easily to support their manipulations and achieve their desired result. When caught in a lie they will not back down.  

Planting Seeds - Trying to control you through the power of suggestion. (I made this one up myself.)

Comparison - Comparing you to others by making comments of their strengths in light of your weaknesses.

Pulling the Rug - Building up your expectations, then “pulling the rug out from under you.” Not giving what was implied or expected.

Idealization/Devaluation - Building you up, then tearing you down. Devaluation most often involves abandonment. The narcissist idealizes you, then discards you without a care.

Creating Triangles - The narcissist creates triangles by gossiping and/or sharing personal and private information with others that was given by the victim in confidence. Narcissists have elaborate ways of creating triangles and causing conflict between groups of people. The goal is to make the victim feel alienated and to garner support of others, which abuses the victim by proxy.

Isolation / Alienation - Manipulating the victim into believing that he or she is the only source for the person to turn to. Criticizing other people in the victim’s life to the extent that the victim believes that the narcissist is the only one of value that he or she can count on.

Subtle Ignoring - Sending the message that the victim is not worth listening to by ignoring… Checking phone while the victim is talking, not responding to texts, glossing over concerns.

What the narcissist wants is to control you and keep your focus on themselves. When you are off-balance and you’ve been kept off-balance for years, this keeps the narcissist in control of you. When you are out of touch with your truth, with your true needs and wants, you are very easy to manipulate and exploit.

The answer to these abusive tactics is to fortify your sense of self through a variety of means, such as:

  • Getting in touch with your inner truth - Feelings, thoughts, beliefs.
  • Awareness of who you are and what you want and need.
  • Staying grounded in your own physical body.  
  • Staying grounded in your own emotional truth.
  • Calibrating your intuition. Learning to trust your gut.
  • Understanding of an equal and reciprocal relationship.
  • Setting boundaries and limits against manipulation and abusive behavior.
  • Expecting reciprocation of needs to be met.
  • Refusing to allow the narcissist to gloss over abuse in past or present.
  • Avoiding abusive people.
  • Confronting abusive behavior.
  • Staying focused on your highest good.
  • Dealing with your own feelings of shame, worthlessness, etc…

If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, then you are someone who needs to fortify your sense of self and create a more solid sense of who you are. Your identity can be shaken to the core by toxic people and it’s up to you to know who you are and define your own values. The key to surviving narcissistic abuse is to validate yourself and set boundaries against manipulation. You must also be willing to advocate for your own highest good and to get your needs met.

Good luck.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Types of Energy Vampires - SelfLoveU Talk

Benefits of Meditation

I found this description of meditation from an article about opening the pineal gland. Living a meditative life is a requirement for those who need inner healing. Inner wounds draw one to the source of the pain which you find can only be healed through meditative practice. No self abandonment will suffice. If you are wounded and you want to heal, you must go to the source of the pain, face yourself and know all about yourself. The truth.

Anyway, here's the article excerpt.
Meditation is the art of mastering the mind through the development and strengthening of one’s awareness. Being that the subconscious mind is constantly dumping thoughts at random into the conscious mind and can hijack one’s consciousness and attention, it is critical that one develop their capacity to master their mind so that they can steer it in the direction they truly want.
As the barriers between the subconscious and conscious mind are gradually dissolved through the act of meditation, one progressively gains more and more of a leash over their consciousness, which in turn enables them to direct their will power more precisely into what they truly aim to accomplish with their life.

Being that our mind/brain is constantly in action in both our waking lives and dreaming lives, it is an organ of the body that is typically deprived of enough time to be rested and rejuvenated. In meditation, one seeks to relax the mind through putting one’s awareness and intention on stillness. In this state one allows themselves to stop their thoughts and worries and just be at peace for the meditations duration. If and when thoughts arise during meditation, it is the meditator’s mission to not engage in the thought, but to view it from a third person perspective without identifying with it.

Through the practice of this act, one gains more mastery over the subconscious mind and as well as a better perspective on their own undesirable mental programs that may be running like a feedback loop. As one progresses in meditation and the mind acquires more and more stillness, tension in the mind from over-active thinking is reduced and the grey matter of the brain becomes more soft and flexible. In turn the pineal gland which sits in the center of the right and left hemispheres of the brain is enabled to function with greater energetic receptivity and transmutation.

From this article: 3 Most Powerful Tools for Opening the Pineal Gland.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Gas Lighting & Ambient Abuse by Sam Vadkin (YouTube Video)

This video discusses gas lighting and ambient abuse of the narcissist. A very informative video by narcissist guru Sam Vadkin. Along the lines of this video is the concept of invalidation. Invalidation is a form of gas lighting as well. Invalidation Blog Post by SelfLoveU Invalidation Video by SelfLoveU on YouTube

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Games People Play - MUST READ Book Review

This is like one of my all time favorite books for inner healing and trauma recovery / emotional abuse. Every single person in the world needs to understand Gestalt Transactional Analysis and the Games People Play. You know? Victim, Recuer, Persecuter... Black Sheep, Star, Lost Child... Really gives you perspective on repetitive patterns of unproductive behavior that's passed down from generations et al. People ask which books I recommend, this is a MUST READ. I am not benefiting financially from this recommendation.…/…/0345410033

Find more of my recommended books here. I am working on slowly building the list. There are so many books I love. Games People Play has had a huge impact on my healing, and my understanding of negative relational patterns in the family of origin. Have you read it? Let me know your thoughts! 

Amazon Recommendation:

"Forty years ago, Games People Play revolutionized our understanding of what really goes on during our most basic social interactions. More than five million copies later, Dr. Eric Berne’s classic is as astonishing–and revealing–as it was on the day it was first published. This anniversary edition features a new introduction by Dr. James R. Allen, president of the International Transactional Analysis Association, and Kurt Vonnegut’s brilliant Life magazine review from 1965.

We play games all the time–sexual games, marital games, power games with our bosses, and competitive games with our friends. Detailing status contests like “Martini” (I know a better way), to lethal couples combat like “If It Weren’t For You” and “Uproar,” to flirtation favorites like “The Stocking Game” and “Let’s You and Him Fight,” Dr. Berne exposes the secret ploys and unconscious maneuvers that rule our intimate lives.

Explosive when it first appeared, Games People Play is now widely recognized as the most original and influential popular psychology book of our time. It’s as powerful and eye-opening as ever. "