Friday, December 16, 2016

Friday, November 4, 2016

Affirmations for Detaching from Hurtful Persons

  • I am my own person. I do not need to worry about what __ is doing or thinking.
  • That person is not my responsibility. My energy is better used focusing on bettering my life.
  • That person has proven to me that he/she is selfish and uncaring about me, my feelings; therefore, that person is life poison in my life. I reject that poison. 
  • I feel pain because I am walking away from a hurtful relationship. That is okay. I am strong and I can handle my pain. That doesn't mean I need to allow that hurtful person back into my life. I can be here for myself in the present moment. 
  • That person has hurt me with their words, actions, etc... They do not deserve my thoughts, energy or attention.
  • I have a right to walk away from anyone who does not treat me with the respect I deserve.
  • I am smart enough to know when someone is treating me poorly or not. I do not need to get anyone else's approval for my decision to walk away from hurtful person.
  • Anyone who tries to tell me to reconcile with that hurtful person is an accomplice and is collaborating with the abusive, hurtful person. I know this and will set boundaries and limits with 3rd parties, as well as directly with the abusive person.
  • I will not tell the story of how this person hurt me to other people in order to gain approval and affirmation. I know what is best for me, and I trust myself to know what's best for me. 
  • That person proved to me that he or she doesn't have respect for me. There is no need for me to continue to be concerned about them anymore because that would be abandoning and neglecting my own best interests. I must take care of myself. 
  • That person is selfish and not pleasant to be around. That person makes me feel like I am less-than them, when the truth is I am equal and I deserve respect. I will set boundaries and walk away from relationships with selfish people who refuse to show me respect. 
  • It is right for me to walk away from hurtful people.
  • It doesn't matter if someone else disagrees with me regarding the poor behavior of an abusive, hurtful person. Not everyone has to agree for me to know that I'm doing the right thing for me.
  • It's no one else's business who I cut out of my life or who I confront for poor behavior towards me. I am my own person--I am not dependent upon the approval of others. 
  • I have made that person a bigger deal to myself than I should have. Now that I am aware, I'm going to shrink their importance inside my mind and focus on what's best for me.
  • I believe in myself. I know who is right for me. I do what is right for me whenever I am aware of what is best. 
  • People who truly love and care about me will support my decision to get this toxic person out of my life.
  • If that person really cared, loved and respected me, he or she would not have been crappy to me.  
  • Letting go of this person will not ruin my life. This person is not my last friend, last boyfriend, last girlfriend, last family member. I will heal and move on and better company will take his or her place. 
  • I will be stronger in the long run and happier without that toxic person in my life. 
  • That person may need me to feed their ego and make them feel important, but I have resigned from that position and choose to take care of myself instead. 
  • I believe in me and I believe in my future.
  • It may hurt to be alone for a while as that hurtful person took up a lot of my energy before, but I know that the sun will rise again. I know that I will find better people now that I realize I deserve better.

25 Ways to Stop Caring About a Hurtful Person

 This article contains healing crystals of understanding that I've gained along the way. It's hard to let go of narcissistic, hurtful, exploitative and abusive people, especially when you were raised in an abusive environment. We feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and wrong. The truth is, we are NOT HOPELESS. We can CHOOSE today to let go of hurtful people and embrace ourselves. There is a lot of value inside of you that you may be spewing / projecting onto a hurtful person. This list is about how to stop doing that. Love to you. Enjoy! Also, see these Affirmations for Over Empathizing
  1. Every time you think good thoughts about that abusive person, remind yourself of how they are not good for you.
  2. When you find yourself feeling concerned for a person who has treated you poorly and has chosen not to stop or respect your boundaries, remind yourself that you are better than that.
  3. Build a relationship with yourself inside yourself that is between your wise, parental part and your lower, more vulnerable child part.
  4. Treat your inner child with love and respect so you will become immediately aware when you're being mistreated. Awareness is a huge piece of it. 
  5. Protect your inner child, vulnerable, trusting part with your strong, wise, intelligent, healed inner adult.
  6. Make yourself bigger and other people smaller in your own minds eye.
  7. Pay attention to your thoughts and recognize when your vulnerable inner child is seeking approval from people who are abusive, mean and exploitive. 
  8. Reparent your inner child by reminding yourself that you are a valuable, worthy being who deserves love and respect.
  9. Remind your inner child that you do not need the outside person who is hurtful to you.
  10. Remind your inner child of other things you can do besides focusing on a hurtful person.
  11. Remind your inner child that it doesn't matter what other people think of your decision to be strong and protect yourself.
  12. Remind your inner child that you are an adult and you are strong and you can protect yourself.
  13. Remind your inner child that you are no longer little, but that you are an adult now and you have resources to protect yourself and stand up to hurtful people.
  14. Remind yourself that you do not need this hurtful person in your life, and that the hurtful person's opinions, thoughts have nothing to do with you.
  15. Remind yourself that you are better off without the hurtful person.
  16. Distract yourself by focusing on something that is beneficial to you, rather than focusing on the hurtful person.
  17. Give yourself a break if you happen to forget and slip up and allow the hurtful person access back into your life. Don't shame yourself for making mistakes. You are growing, you will get there.
  18. Set boundaries with unhealthy people. 
  19. Work on your internal self-talk. Listen to what you are saying to yourself about you and this hurtful person. Create mantras and affirmations that affirm your worth and that help you to remember that you are more valuable to you than this outside person.
  20. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the abuse this hurtful person has inflicted upon you.
  21. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the guilt you feel for letting the abusive person go.
  22. Draw, write, color, do art that demonstrates your painful feelings relative to the responsibility you feel for care taking someone who does not have your best interests at heart. 
  23. Affirm yourself whenever you take action to stop hurtful people from damaging you.
  24. Affirm yourself with positive mantras constantly whenever you hear the internal critic shaming you for protecting yourself from hurtful others.
  25. Remind yourself that you are not responsible to take care of the needs of hurtful people. You are free to detach and take care of you.

Now, take a moment to sit down and journal about this list. Think about how you are allowing a hurtful person access to your vulnerable inner child. Think about the items on this list that resound to your heart. Think of your weak areas. Think of your strong areas. What are some things you can do to strengthen parts of yourself listed above so that you can start taking better care of yourself and keep bad people out-of-your life? Journal, journal, journal... Talk to a safe other. That's how you do it. That is the process for learning your worth and value. You can do it!!! I have faith in you. 

How to Walk Away

I need to do a video on this, but I'm extremely busy with my real estate practice.

I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?

Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.

You have to build internal boundaries inside your own psyche. You have to open up the enmeshment like an accordion and let your true self rise up to protect you. You have to allow your anger to surface, and get in touch with your sense of self protection. You have to unravel the trauma bonds. You have to deal with original relationship issues so that you have better internal eyesight when dealing with harmful others. You have to grieve, readjust your thinking and grow into a differentiated human being who doesn't need or rely on external sources of validation. All this you must do!!! It's a long road, but can be done if you work hard, seek guidance and do not give up. ~ Jenna

An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.

If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it. 

Monday, October 31, 2016

Remember, You're the Prize

Feeding someone's ego can be a form of care taking. When someone baits you to make them feel like they're more valuable than you, or that you are less than them--and when you take the bait and react--this can be a form of care taking. It may feel like the easiest route, but quite covertly, submitting to the agreement that someone else is worth idealization, awe or unmerited favor actually drains your sense of self. Propping someone up can be a form of handing over your dignity.

Examples of feeding the ego of another person include:

ALLOWING ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR TO REPEATEDLY AFFECT YOU IN A NEGATIVE WAY EMOTIONALLY.

PRETENDING LIKE IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU POORLY, DISRESPECTS YOU, EXPLOITS YOU.

GIVING SOMEONE ATTENTION, TIME, AFFECTION WHO HAS DISRESPECTED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOT MADE AMENDS OR APOLOGIZED.

It doesn't seem like care taking, but codependency takes myriad forms. You are over-empathizing, over care taking for another person when that person baits you to react and you react in a way that makes them feel important. Screw them. Train yourself to detach and let go from that drama trauma bond. Remember who you are. Soothe your own need for validation. No one outside of you can do what only you can do for yourself--so do yourself a favor and RESPECT YOURSELF enough to take care of you.

This is common in codependent / narcissist relationships. Where the narcissist is the prize and the codependent plays the role of a piece of trash. Watch for it in your engagements if you are recovering from this mess.

Nobody is worthy of you experiencing repeated negative emotion.

Nobody is worthy of you bowing down and submitting your needs.

Nobody deserves your beautiful presence if they are rude to you.

You deserve to be treated with respect at all times with every one you encounter. If you're treated badly or your boundaries are violated, then you must set boundaries internally and externally. Remind yourself of who you are, remind the other of who you are, and be prepared to walk away from any one at any time who fails to respect your rights, your needs, your feelings.

You don't have to fall into the same routine and move to the same dance you've always danced. You can step out of the sequence and choose self-respecting actions, behaviors, thoughts and eventually feelings.

Don't do the heavy-lifting of someone else's ego. You have your own self to uphold.

****** side note *******

CARE TAKING may also have something to do with the "fawn" response. That is, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response from CPTSD / attachment trauma that Pete Walker speaks about in his fabulous writings. That automatic care taking, fawning behavior that is triggered in light of abandonment fears, that overriding of the cerebral cortex--fawning as a survival reflex. I've read this article over and over and over and over....

The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Codependency & Caretaking

It's tempting for those of us who are recovering from codependency to engage in caretaking of others. This is a behavior that's learned in early childhood, where a child learns to take care of the needs of the caretaker instead of the caretaker noticing and meeting the needs of the child. This care taking behavior helps the child to survive, but becomes hurtful to relationships in adulthood.

The care taking behavior continues throughout life as this is the only internal working model the abused person has for relationships. He finds his value in taking care of the needs of others, and he expects not to get his own needs met. His own needs do not go away, but grow more fierce as the needs are replaced with toxic shame, and more care taking.

Care taking is taking care of the emotional needs of someone else; needs that they should be tending to themselves, or through their own professional counselor. Care taking is a compulsive behavior that wrecks relationships as it is the manifestation of codependency. It involves helping someone, rescuing them from their own behaviors.

Here's a few examples of emotional care taking that damages both parties:

A. Denying ones own needs in order to appease another person in an adult relationship.

B. Refusing to share your true feelings about the behavior of another person.

C. Refusing to ask for what you need because you don't want to be a "burden" on someone.

D. Taking the blame for causing the emotional over reaction of your partner, friend or spouse.

E. Remaining in a relationship where the other person is addicted to a substance such as gambling, sex, drugs or alcohol.

F. Listening to a friend lament constantly about his or her problems without any actions taken to improve their lives.

G. Allowing a narcissist to abuse and manipulate you.

H. Enabling someone to rely on you for something they should be doing for themselves.

I. Allowing your life to be ruled by the emotional fluctuations of a Borderline person.

I find that care taking is a compulsive behavior for codependent people. That means, it's automatic. You don't even realize you're engaging in it. You just automatically jump in there and pick up the slack of anyone who needs a "boost."

In recovery it becomes most important to take care of OURSELVES. It is not our job to make other people feel comfortable at the expense of ourselves. It's not our job to look the other way as someone we love abuses us, disregards us, disrespects or exploits us. It's not our job to make excuses for someone who is ignoring our needs while succumbing to their addictions. It is our job to draw a line in the and and say, NO. I care about ME. And I will not engage in caretaking with you.

It is our job to set boundaries internally within our own hearts that are like alarms or signals of awareness that we are engaging in caretaking behaviors that will eventually bleed us dry if we don't stop the violation. It is our job to set limits and boundaries with others.

We have to catch ourselves when we try to help others too much, when we over empathize and over give to the point that we ourselves are being ignored. We have to catch ourselves and stop ourselves, regroup and reorganize. We have to focus on ourselves and let other people have their own problems. We have to be separate. We must let go of the enmeshment and be our own person.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

The Power of Yoga for Healing

Me and My Favorite Yoga Instructor in 2015

I've never mentioned the power of Yoga for my healing journey. Yoga has been a wonderful source of healing for me in many ways. I've included in this article some photos by Fit Queen Irene. I follow her on Instagram, and would like to invite you to follow her too. She has some healthy views on yoga and self love. 

Yoga is a huge part of my life. It has taught me so much and brought me so much healing, strength and integration.  

The body, mind and spirit are connected. You can learn a lot about the truth of who you are in your cognitive mind, your cerebral cortex, but it is the body that holds the memories of past abuse, fear, panic and post-traumatic stress. 

If you want to get down deep into the limbic (emotional part of your brain), then you will need to supplement your reading, journaling and art and therapy with body-related healing practices such as yoga, karate, dancing and movement. The body holds stored memories and the only way to let these memories out is through movement... Also, movement is a core behavior that is instinctual in children, and a way to get through and heal your inner child

I've been doing yoga off-and-on since 2007. It has been very eye-opening for me and a wonderful experience. Here is a list of things I've learned from yoga...

Fit Queen Irene
  • How to stay focused.
  • How to stay focused on myself.
  • How to stay focused on my own needs,  instead of the needs of others.  
  • How to be brave and courageous.
  • How to do something for me.
  • How to do something that others didn't approve of.
  • How to commit to myself.
  • How to come back to myself.
  • How to stay focused on my breath.
  • How to tune out distractions while staying focused.
  • How to hold poses that are uncomfortable. 
  • How to bend.  
  • How to unfold.
  • How to grow.
  • How to hold poses as a meditation.
  • How to stay with my own feelings as I breathe through pain.
  • Moving meditation. 
  • Self love by showing up on the mat for my practice.
  • Self compassion when I fail to go to practice (which is so good for me) for months at a time.
  • How to open my heart.
  • Yoga helps release pent-up emotions. Sometimes after yoga, I cry.
  • How to practice something and get stronger.
  • How to practice something and get better at it.
  • How to embrace my imperfections.
  • How to challenge myself.
  • How to look at the world in new ways, upside down.
  • How to go beyond what I previously thought possible.
  • How to get back on track when I've dissociated and lost myself in life.
  • How to be me.
  • How to let me just be.
  • How to not be prideful.
  • How to feel humble.
  • How to listen to my body.
  • How to let go of expectations.
  • How to let go of trying to be something I'm not.
  • How to let go of competition.
  • How to stretch beyond previous limitations.
  • How little steps each time make big improvements over long term.
  • How to let go.
  • How to relax deeply.
    Fit Queen Irene
  • How to be.
  • How to process emotions.
  • How to be loved.
  • How to be present in my body.
  • How to be present in my mind.
  • How to meditate.
  • How to grow as a person.
  • How to heal as an emotional, physical and spiritual being.
  • How to view myself.
  • How to reach for the sky.
  • How to stand up tall.
  • How to walk with confidence.
  • How to hold my body.
  • How to trust myself.
  • How to practice trying.
  • How to integrate my body and mind.
  • How to listen to my heart.
  • How to be a witness to my own process.
  • How to be mindful.
  • How to encourage myself.
  • How to rest when needed.
  • How to set my pride aside and be who I am.
  • How to chant.
  • How to root and ground myself.
  • How to love myself.
  • How to love others.
  • How to make room for myself.
  • How to reposition myself in new ways I never dreamed possible.
  • How to see life in new ways.
  • How to accomplish things that I didn't know needed to be accomplished.
  • How to rely on my core.
  • How to keep going, even when I'm exhausted.
  • How to protect myself.
  • How to balance myself.
  • How to balance my energy.
  • How to concentrate.
  • How to recover from injury.
  • How to eliminate panic.
  • How to eliminate pride.
  • How to measure my progress.
  • How to respect the process.
  • How to breathe deeply.
  • How to go with the flow.
  • How to flow.
  • How to soar.
  • How to fly.
  • How to stay square.
  • How to twist and release toxins. 
  • How to stretch.
  • How to be grateful.
  • How to be spiritual.
  • How to connect body with mind and spirit.
  • How to connect body with emotions.
  • How to fight and be a warrior.
  • How to overcome insecurities.
  • How to mature.
  • How to release old mindsets.
  • How to listen to my heart.
  • How to follow my own intuition.
    Fit Queen Irene
  • How to feel my feelings.
  • How to rise again.
  • How to be tough.
  • How not to judge others.
  • How not to judge myself.
  • How to stay in the moment.
  • How to live.
  • How to align myself.
  • How to 
I know, this is A LOT. I never realized when I moved above a yoga studio in 2007 that it would change my life this much, but it did. Every year it seems I learn something new that yoga does for me. All these things, in addition to great physical benefits. Yoga is great for the mind, body and soul. It feels so good, even the most strenuous kind.

I prefer hot yoga and I love Ocean, Mountain and Desert practices. I practice at Gaia Flow in Addison, TX.  I am considering some yoga therapy classes for emotional healing in the near future. I highly recommend you check it out, even if you just find a great yoga teacher on YouTube. You will benefit from the meditation, relaxation and movement. It's fabulous!!!

Yoga is self love in action.

Victim Mentality Rant

It's really hard for me personally to allow other people to stay in the place of the victim, knowing all that I know and recently having pulled out another victim/resentment thorn out of my own psyche. This process was painful. It took the help of a professional. One thing about me though, is I REALLY WANT TO BE WELL. I REALLY WANT TO BE HEALED. So, I receive information and help from others. I am very non-resistant to psychological help. I do not defend myself whenever someone tells me that I'm shaming myself or behaving like a victim. I trust that information, if it's someone I trust. I allow that person to speak into my life and help me to see areas that I need to work on.

Not everyone is ready for healing. Not everyone is ready for growth. Not everyone is ready to move beyond the stage of the victim and onto the stage of VICTORY over the past. If you want to be ready, you have to give up your old position of resentment and helplessness. You have to receive information about yourself that is uncomfortable. You have to take accountability and mature emotionally. This is difficult, but once you set aside your defenses and receive the information, you can make changes within yourself for the better.

You don't want to hang around a bunch of people who will feed into your victim behavior. You want people who have grown beyond it and will confront victim mentality and help you see reality more realistically. You want people to challenge you, and you want to be tough enough to take it. You have to be ready to heal. You have to take the punches and face up to the fact that you are imperfect and there are things you think and do that are impeding your own progress. Don't hang around people who will support victim mentality and coddle it. Hang around people who will point it out and help you get rid of that sh---.

Now that I know Victim Mentality so well (because I've seen it in myself and others), it really bugs me. I see it clearly. I want to help the whole world. I want everyone to see that it is the victim mentality that is holding them/us back, not the actual problem. It's all in your head. It's all about your own self defeating beliefs.

But I am not the savior of the world. That is part of recovery too. It is not my job to "fix" everyone. I can only fix myself. I can guide, I can share, but ultimately, people are not paying me to be a therapist. I do all I do for free.

And there is a place for sharing and being who you are and wallowing in victim mentality. There truly is. In CoDA meetings, you can go and be yourself and share your misery. But in my group, I am growing to a place of overcoming my past victim mentality and self-shaming behaviors. I see them clearly and I will point them out if I see them in others. The healing I've gained from having others point out victim mentality to me has changed my life.

But I have to hold myself back from helping others outside of this group, and in my daily life. That's part of maturity. That's part of letting people fix their own lives. That's part of letting people own their own process. I am only responsible for me. It's not my job to inform other people about their victim behavior, etc... Even though to me it now sounds like fingernails on a chalk board.
WE ARE NOT VICTIMS!!! WE HAVE POWER OVER OUR LIVES!!!



 Comments: 

B: I'm starting to think that getting past this victim mentality requires us to become our own hero, to save ourselves. And to know we can't save others, only influence them. Thanks for this post its going to keep me going for a bit. I am so done with victim mentality and shame!

Me: That is where I am right now, M--- and I feel so powerful. All my old thoughts and feelings are being covered in power statements like never before. I had to work hard to get here, and work through a lot of pain, grief, blocked emotions. But today, I am high on a mountain and I can see the summit and it's beautiful and I am powerful. We all are.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Victim Mentality Triggers Rescuer Trance

This phrase has been turning in my mind for several days now. I decided to stop and write about it quickly to help you, and to help myself. Victim Mentality, that is victim behavior triggers a trance-like rescuer state in those of us who were raised in narcissistic, less-than-nurturing environments. It's all part of the Karpman Drama Triangle, which is a by-pass of intimacy and consists of unhealthy, toxic games played in relationship to self and others.

In childhood you may have been taught to adapt a certain way to behaviors of your primary caretakers and others who helped influence and raise you. I have found that today, as an adult, I can be triggered back into those old childhood patterns almost as though it were a trance or hypnosis! I can be sucked into someone else's drama whenever certain behaviors are triggered. It's a bizarre thought, but so freeing to think that I can actually catch myself in action and begin to rethink my reactions.

Trances can be triggered by a variety of behaviors. For example, if someone becomes irate, this may trigger your childhood patterns of becoming accommodating and people pleasing. If someone needs help, this may trigger your fixer-rescuer patterns of behavior.  These patterns are birthed in childhood when you were required to take care of the needs of your primary caretaker instead of showing or having needs of your own. A child who is parentified survives childhood, but these behaviors cause problems in adulthood that need to be solved if one is to be happy and free.

So let's start with Fixer Rescuer since that is what is coming up for me personally lately. I've noticed that whenever someone displays behaviors that are needy, in pain, needing help, inadequate, victim, I immediately go into Ms Fix It Mode. I have a compulsive drive, a need to become the hero and fix the person's problem. Doesn't matter who it is... I just want to fix everyone's problems. I feel I have overcome the same problems they are having, and I want to rush in there and save the day.

However, this behavior is detrimental to my soul. Helping, rescuing, saving, caretaking is not healthy. It's not good for the victim and it's not good for me. I can't help anyone else. I can't do for others what they should be doing for themselves. That's codependency and that's what I'm recovering from. I have to learn to just let go and let other people have their own process. I have to learn to sit back and let others make mistakes. Sounds really easy, huh? Well, it's harder than you think because I have been mentally programmed, conditioned to jump into rescuer mode whenever certain behaviors present to me by others.

The drive to fix, help and rescue is very strong within me. I want to help everyone so much! This is a noble cause for me, but it also has selfish undertones. I want everyone fixed and right where I need them to be because their victim situation makes ME uncomfortable. So I want to control their reality by coming in and fixing things. I know other fixers have other reasons, I'm just being honest and sharing mine. I feel over-responsible.

So I started noticing when I'm talking to people when I'm triggered into Ms Fix It Mode. And I started noticing that I'm baited into this mode by others who play the role of victim. Whenever a friend, partner, family member acts helpless and needy, it is like a hook with bait on it. I take the bait and get pulled into the unhealthy dynamics of the drama triangle. I become the Rescuer.

What happens to the Rescuer? It's not good. You can rescue all day long, but if the person you're rescuing doesn't do what they need to do, your efforts at fixing are all in vain. The Rescuer can give and give and give, but in the end, the Rescuer becomes the victim. The victim of the original victim who was baiting you to join the game in the first place. Talk about a mess!!!

So the point of this article is not only to stop trying to rescue people, but to nip situations in the bud before it even starts. Don't take the bait. Don't allow your conditioning to be hooked into situations where you feel a compulsive need to fix, repair, help, rescue. Detach from caring so much.

Whenever someone approaches you with patterns of victimhood, instead of joining in the conversation, merely detach from the person and their problems. Listen to them with empathy, but don't enmesh with them. Let them have their process. Let them work out their own issues. Even if you have all the answers, enthusiasm, money, time, energy, experience and knowledge to help them out of their quandary. DON'T DO IT. Hold back. Hold yourself back. Those resources are yours and you don't need to give yourself away. 5 Ways to Detach.

Have faith that the other person, the victim, will find the resources to help themselves. This is not to say you cannot support this person, but it is to say you must not rescue this person because if you do, you're going to end up depleted. If they are miserable and you feel a tug to help them lift their spirits, and they don't take your advice (or even ask for your advice) then you're going to feel worse and worse. The victim feeds off of pity from others. The victim plays the martyr who is looking for people to join him or her in their misery.

You can help friends, but if you're prone to be a rescuer, I am finding it best for me to just stay out of the way. You don't want to give of your time, resources, heart and soul only to be resentful when the victim doesn't appreciate anything you do.

Another thing to realize about a need to rescue others is that you're trying to give to others what you really need yourself. If you rescue others, it means YOU NEED TO BE RESCUED BY YOU. How to do that? That's another article. :)

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Women Who Love Too Much

Excerpt from "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood from pgs 6-8
"... it's important to understand, however, that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy--the inability to talk about the problems--rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.

A dysfunctional family is one in which members play rigid roles and in which communication is severely restricted to statements that fit these roles. Members are not free to express full range of experience, wants, needs, and feelings, but rather must limit themselves to playing that part which accommodates those played by other family members...  In dysfunctional families, major aspects of reality are denied, and roles remain rigid.

When no one can discuss what affects every family member individually as well as the family as a whole--indeed, when such discussion is forbidden implicitly (the subject is changed) or explicitly ("We don't talk about those things!")--we learn not to believe in our own perceptions or feelings. Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it, too. And this severely impairs the development of our basic tools for living life and for relating to people and situations. It is this basic impairment that operates in women who love too much.

We become unable to discern when someone or something is not good for us. The situations and people that others would naturally avoid as dangerous, uncomfortable, or unwholesome do not repel us, because we have no way of evaluating them realistically or self-protectively. We do not trust our feelings, or use them to guide us. Instead, we are actually drawn to the very dangers, intrigues, dramas, and challenges that others with healthier and more balanced backgrounds would naturally eschew.


And through this attraction we are further damaged, because much of what we are attracted to is a replication of what we lived with growing up. We get hurt all over again.




5 Ways to Detach

While we're on the subject of Codependency and Detachment, I thought I'd write an article to help myself and you, my reader, in detaching from anything and everything necessary to live a happy, full and complete life. Let's start by making a list of things we may need to detach from as we venture on this journey of healing and recovery.

We may need to detach from any of the following: (Add your own too!!!)
  • The opinions of other people in reference to our right to have and express our own individual needs.
  • The opinions of other people relative to our behaviors, reactions, decisions within our relationships.
  • The opinions of others regarding what we need in our relationships.
  • The opinions of others regarding whom we should spend time with or not.
  • The opinions of others regarding choices we make to attend certain events or not.
  • The opinions of others regarding our healing journey.
  • The opinions of others regarding our personal rights.
  • The opinions of others regarding our enthusiasm and vibrancy.
  • The opinions of others regarding how we live.
  • The opinions of others regarding our needs in relationship and connection.
  • The drama that other people bait us to engage in.
  • The games people want us to play. 

5 Ways to Detach

1. Detach as a Mental Meditation

Just like the meditation practice of letting thoughts go by like clouds, you can detach from the opinions of others by letting them go. Don't judge yourself for caring about what the person thinks, has said or is saying, but rather, notice the thoughts and feelings, and just allow them to be there. Let these feelings or ruminations pass overhead in the sky like so many clouds. Watch the opinions of others pass you by. That feels good just writing it! #deepbreath #sigh

 2. Detach Emotionally

There are some things that can be known in the mind, but that don't quite penetrate the emotional part of us, our Inner Child. Detaching emotionally may require a few different things, such as expressing your feelings about the situation, talking to a safe friend, writing, journaling, doing art or doing some form of movement such as yoga, karate or dance. Maybe singing is your thing? Whatever it is, allow your inner child to express his or her feelings of sadness, fear, loneliness (sometimes it's lonely to stand up to others and not seek agreement from loved ones). Allow your Inner Child to let go in his or her time, all the while allowing your Healthy Adult Self to gently lead the way.

3. Detach by Self Validation

Validating yourself is a way of reparenting yourself using positive affirmations, self talk and I AM statements. Validating yourself is the process of telling yourself that "it's okay to let go." or perhaps, "That person is lashing out because of what's going on inside of them, don't take it personally." or "Your needs are valid. You have a right to need what you need regardless of what that lady thinks." or "Way to go! You just validated your need and asserted a boundary. You rock!" Self validation is about underscoring your own truth just like a healthy parent would.

4. Detach by Distraction

So often when we're addicted to people pleasing or getting the approval of others, we become almost obsessed to getting the consensus of those who are important to us. One way to override the obsessive rumination and fear of not pleasing others is to distract yourself with some other activity. Perhaps you can exercise, call a friend, go shopping or practice visualization techniques. Whatever it takes to get your mind off the person or people from whom you are detaching.

5. Detach by Your Higher Power

Admit to your Higher Power that you are powerless to the desire to get everyone to agree with you, to like you, to be pleased with you. Release this need to your Higher Power by doing a Step 1 and reciting the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."Your higher power will carry you through... God is stronger than your habit of people pleasing, fixing and rescuing others.


These are all healthy ways to detach from the drama and unhealthy, toxic behaviors of yourself and others. The more we detach from unhealthy relating, the more free we will be to allow good, nourishing people and experiences into our lives.

Here's to YOU. :)

Monday, August 29, 2016

Who Cares What She Thinks?

I have always been overly concerned about what other people think about me and my life. I know I'm not the only one who does this, but I'm definitely one of the few people who will admit this to the world. It's hard to admit. I am a recovering People Pleaser and I've been trained since infancy to seek approval and validation not from within, but externally from others.
  • I was not taught to trust in my own intuition.
  • I was not taught to determine my own values.
  • I was not taught that I had a right to set my own values.
  • I was not taught that I had a right to make my own decisions.
  • I was not taught that I had the ability to make sound decisions.
  • I was not taught that I have a right to preferences in how others treat me.
  • I was not taught that I have a right to expect others to treat my body with respect.
  • I was not taught that I have needs.
  • I was not taught that my feelings matter.
  • I was not taught that I matter. 
  • I was not taught that I have a right to express my needs.
  • I was not taught that I could be loved without subjugating myself to the will of another person.
  • I was not taught that I could be imperfect and still be loved.
  • I was not taught that I could trust my own inner knowing. 
  • I was not taught that I deserve to be validated.
  • I was not taught that I deserve to speak and be heard.
  • I was not taught that I have any rights to human dignity.  
When I was a child, I was not connected to myself. I was emotionally and physically abused. This childhood trauma was chronic throughout my formative years--from age 0 to 7 years old. I was beaten and punished for playing with toys and for having normal feelings. I was taught to be ashamed of my truth.
  • I was taught to distrust my inner voice. 
  • I was taught that my inner voice was invalid, incorrect and very bad. 
  • I was taught to be ashamed of who I am. 
  • I was taught that I was valuable, only if I was perfect.
  • I was taught that I had to earn love based on conditions.
  • I was taught that I was not enough to be loved on my own, that I had to perform to earn love.
  • I was taught that other people know better than me about my life.
  • I was taught that the opinions of others are far more important than my own opinions.
  • I was taught that I am too stupid to know what to do.
  • I was taught that my feelings were bad, wrong, shameful.
  • I was taught that I would be punished if I took-up for myself. 
This training that I received in childhood has caused a lot of problems for me throughout my life.
  • It has caused me to betray myself and look to others as my soul source of solutions. 
  • It has caused me to have internal conflict regarding the smallest decisions. 
  • It has caused me to follow the advice of other people to my own detriment. 
  • It has caused me to abandon myself and treat myself poorly.  
  • It has caused me to seek out advice from other people who were seeking to control and manipulate me.
  • It has caused me to think that abuse is love.
  • It has caused me to trust untrustworthy people.
  • It has caused me to feel pain, despair and depression.
  • It has caused me to love too much.
  • It has caused me to follow another person's advice even when it was totally wrong for me.
The point of this article is to say, WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS!?!?! Because of this rotten upbringing that I endured, this backwards training, I still have some tendencies to put the opinions of others ahead of my own. I haven't completely come to realize how right I am and how wrong it is for me to put the opinions of any other person ahead of my own regarding how I am to live my life, who I am to love, how I am to expect to be treated, and what I will tolerate in relationships. There is really nobody better than me to make decisions for my life.

There is no one better than me to make my life decisions. My goal is to continue detaching from the need to get the approval of others before I make decisions, and before I validate my own needs, feelings, wants, desires and preferences. Nobody knows better than me what is best for me. Nobody but God has the reigns over my life. I am detaching from caring what anybody else thinks about me and my personal business. This is not a group effort. I am me and I know who I am, what I want and what I need.

It was not my fault that my step father was cruel to me. It was not my fault they did not know how to raise a child. It is not my fault they tried to squash my spirit and take me out. But it is my job to tell myself today that I am correct. My feelings are correct. My needs are correct. My decisions are correct. My passions are correct. Everything about me is alright, okay, supposed to be here. There is no question about it and it doesn't matter what she thinks, or he thinks or they think, or anyone else for that matter. It's my life and I'm living it. Anything but respect for who I am and what I need is invalidation and I will set boundaries (both internally and externally) against it. Hereye Hereyeeee. #muahs

Standing In Your Own Column of Light

Someone once told me to "stand in my own column of light" in reference to a relationship issue I was having at the time. This phrase stuck with me and I've expanded the concept to assist me in healing from codependent thought patterns and relationship habits. I'm using the concept of STANDING IN MY OWN COLUMN OF LIGHT to define the separation process required to self differentiate and become my own person. I'll be using this term a lot in future videos and articles.

Standing in your own column of light, is an analogy that I'm using to describe the process of recovering from codependency and relational enmeshment. Caring too much. Loving too much. Living for others. Seeking external validation. The process of tearing yourself away from codependent attachments, enmeshments and toxic caretaking and rescuing of others.

When you are raised in a less-than-nurturing environment, you are not able to develop a full, mature and self supplying identity. Your identity becomes toxic-bound to your caretakers and the child ends up becoming either narcissistic or codependent depending on the level of abuse, dysfunction, neglect and/or abandonment by the primary caretaker. Neither type of person can maintain their own "column of light," or stand on their own, be their own person without the support of external validation. 5 Ways to Detach.

In simple terms, the narcissist depends on narcissistic supply from others to maintain self esteem, whereas the codependent depends on giving narcissistic supply to others to maintain self esteem. Both narcissists and codependents have a problem with being themselves, nurturing themselves, protecting themselves and functioning without external validation.

Healing from the enmeshment of is necessary if you want to become your own person. Which means, healing from being dependent on the approval of others, and healing from the need to control others and make them like you, and healing from the need to feel responsible for other people at the expense of self.

This to me is the healing that is required if you wish to stand in your own column of light. You have to let go of attachments to things outside of self, and learn to get your emotional supplies from within. This means, you have to help yourself to attach to your higher self, or higher power within, and you have to learn to operate completely from self--with or without the need of the approval or validation of others. 

DETACHMENT

Your Own Column of Light
is held in place
by healthy detachment. 
The only way to stand in your own column of light and be your own person is through the process of healthy detachment. As a codependent, we take too much responsibility for the feelings of others, and we try to control the opinions that other people have of us. We try to earn love by pleasing others since we, as codependents don't feel worthy of love in and of ourselves. We do all sorts of unhealthy things as codependents, like trying to control other people with our own caring and then resenting them for not caring back. We try to get our personal supplies externally through the approval of others. We try to get other people to make our decisions for us. We try to get other people to do the heavy-lifting in our lives, then turn around and resent them for it. We must learn healthy detachment.

Part of the healing process is what I'm going to call detaching from the "Caring Attachment." You must detach from unhealthy attachments if you want to be your own person and stand in your own column of light. By attachment, I mean CARING. Part of the healing process involves NOT CARING as much as you did before about things that are outside of your own Column of Light. You must learn to recognize where these unhealthy caring attachments are in your relationships with yourself and others.

Example of Unhealthy Caring Attachments
  • Caring about what other people think about your life's decisions. 
  • Caring about someone so much that you ignore the fact they're abusive towards you.
  • Caring about someone who is totally and completely disregarding you.
  • Caring about how you look to the extent that you avoid being social with others. 
  • Caring about someone who is ignoring your basic human relationship needs. 
  • Caring about someone who does not respect your boundaries. 
  • Caring about someone and sacrificing for someone who is rude and disrespectful to you. 
  • Caring what someone else thinks about your personal relationship choices. 
  • Caring what someone says about your body, mind, possessions and making adjustments accordingly.
 There is nothing wrong with having compassion. There is nothing wrong with empathy. However, there is something very wrong about caring--caring to the extent that you make decisions relative to your caring for others that are detrimental to yourself.

As a recovering codependent, it is so easy for me to relate to this caring attachment. My family of origin was highly codependent and they all cared about each other way too much. I was taught to put others before myself. I was taught that it was selfish to think of myself first, and that it was noble to put others before me. I was taught this by my parents, by society, by the church. No where in my upbringing was I taught to care about myself first. However, unless you learn to loosen your care and concern for others, you are doomed to cave in on yourself.  Just like you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to save anyone else, you need to put yourself first, and care about yourself first before you can care about others.


This means that you detach from caring about people and people's opinions and attach to your own thoughts and feelings that are relevant for your life. This is a difficult task, especially if you've been taught that your needs should always come last. If you've been taught that you should care about what everyone thinks over what you think, then it's time for you to LET GO and CATCH YOURSELF. It's time to detach from giving so much care at the expense of yourself.

This is one way to stand in your own column of light. Just DETACH.
  • Detach from ruminating about the opinions of others.
  • Detach from trying to please someone who keeps changing their mind about your life.
  • Detach from making everyone else happy but yourself.
  • Detach from giving a rip about what other people think about your lifestyle.
  • Detach from trying to make other people love you.
  • Detach from trying to impress others.
  • Detach from trying to prove yourself to anyone.
  • Detach from pleasing other people.  
  • Detach from caring, from giving and from using your over-love to make up for your own perceived flaws. 
 
This is a really difficult concept to convey. I hope I've done it justice. In my heart, I feel a tearing. A tearing, like a tearing of flesh, but more in the emotional realm. I feel an emotional tearing away of my attachments to people, places and things. I feel myself separating, becoming a single person--yet a part of the whole, someone who is gradually re-learning how to think for myself and care more about my own opinions, values, judgments than I do about any others. It's not fun, but I'm making progress. I hope this helps you too.

COMMENTS:

Елена Никешичева Hard to write but excellent! For me it's very useful to remember that fear and attachment are related in the amygdala. That's why it is so difficult not to help, not to please, not to resque. I did it to survive. And now I mustn't do it to live as a normal human.

Danielle Excellent article. Although I am not Buddhist I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and the art of non attachment. No doubt I have a negative/anxious attachment style so even the thought of non attachment makes me a little nervous but I feel such peace within myself when I just let go of outcomes and mindfully practice non attachment. Thx for sharing



Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity (Video Series by Robert Najemy)

Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 1 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 2 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 3 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 4 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 5 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 6 Self Knowledge and dealing with Negativity 7

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

What is a Healthy Conversation?

A codependent person who has adapted to meet the needs of their primary care takers learns that their needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings are unimportant. The message this person received is that she is worthless. He learns that the primary care takers, who are generally narcissistic and abusive are the only ones who matter in the relationship, and this trickles down to daily conversations in adulthood.

So growing up with the adaptation of codependency in order to develop, albeit thwarted, a person who was disregarded, ignored, abandoned, humiliated and exploited as a child will grow up accustomed to patterns of relationship that are screwy.

Once you begin to heal and you start to see the truth, and you start to realize that you have worth and value, you start to see the truth in the people who are in your life. You can also see right through people who approach you day-to-day. There is a huge difference in the way people converse with you and approach you who are healthy, verses those who are manipulating and exploiting you. Once your eyes are open, they cannot be closed. Once you realize your worth, you will be turned off by narcissistic people and/or people who talk at you rather than with you and/or people who ignore you and send subtle messages of disregard in conversation.

Tip-offs to Unhealthy Interactions

  • They don't answer you directly.
  • They change the subject after you have said something that is of importance to you.
  • They ignore what you just said and keep talking.
  • During conversation, you make a point and they ignore your point and say other things that totally disregards your point.
  • They ask you personal and private questions that are none of their business.
  • They make a negative comment about your own personal life choice(s).
  • They mock a decision you've made--this can be something small, like the workout method you've chosen--and proceed to tell you that their way is better.
  • They try to convince you to change your mind.
  • When you answer their question, they spout off a sarcastic projection about why you feel that way, one that is not based in truth--and they don't bother to respectfully clarify what you were trying to say. (ie: they won't let you be yourself).
  • Tricky people act like they agree with everything you say until one day, they explode with anger and rage apparently from truths you have shared about yourself in the past. 
  • They talk negatively about other people, places, things. This can be a subtle manipulative technique to anchor your mindset and control you in several different ways. Beware of people who gossip and talk incessantly in a negative way by complaining.
  • Putting you down in any way.  
  • You experience uncomfortable feelings as they are pressuring you to answer questions that you don't know the answer to or you don't feel like answering.  
  • You experience uncomfortable feelings which are possibly their emotional projections that you, as an empathic person may be picking up on--that is, the emotions they don't deal with you may be feeling as you're relating with them. 
  • A person may bait you into their victimization and try to get you to tell them they are okay. In reality, no one can do this job for them, so it's uncomfortable for you to try, but you may feel compelled or obligated to do so.
  • A person who is shaming towards you in actions, body language or words. 
  • A person who asks questions and doesn't respect your boundaries when you say you'd prefer not to answer. 
  • A person who has expectations of you that you can tell are there, but that you don't know what it is they need or want from you, or even if you can fulfill what they want or need.
  • A person who has an agenda, wants to use you, wants to sell you a product, or use you for sex or use you to increase their social standing, or whatever.
A Real Conversation

A real conversation with a healthy person is a 2 way conversation, one in which both parties share their feelings openly and are able to emote moderately without offending each other.

  • Both parties can discuss their true feelings without being afraid of hurting the other person's feelings, or causing resentment in the other.
  • Each person takes care of their own self by expressing how they feel in the moment, rather than bottling things inside.
  • Each person respects the others boundaries and each person is able to put up boundaries when they feel they're being invaded.
  • Neither party expects the other to take care of the other emotionally because both parties are actively taking care of themselves.
  • Each party is assertive enough in their communication to express his or her needs and mature enough to take care of themselves when the other party says no.
  • No one takes responsibility for the feelings of either person.  
  • Both parties feel confident and secure enough in their own reality that they are able to express themselves clearly without feeling guilty, ashamed or responsible for the other party's reaction.
  • Both parties are living in the present day reality and not repressing, denying or projecting their true feelings.
  • Each person cares about the feelings of the other person, but does not try to shield the other person from one's own reality to the extent that it protects the other person, but decreases the existence of oneself.  
  • Both parties are emotionally regulated, so they're not triggered back to childhood during a normal conversation where one person is expressing needs, feelings, wants and preferences.
What a Real Conversation is Not

A conversation that is not real is not really a conversation among 2 people at all. A false conversation is a conversation amongst one or more false selves of the individuals in the transaction. It is based on a misunderstanding of personal worth, value and mutual respect. Unreal conversations are among people who are A. narcissistic and unwilling to take responsibility, and B. codependent and willing to take all the responsibility. Neither party of an unreal conversation is grounded in truth. Some really messed-up, toxic engagements can occur in an unreal conversation.
  • One or both parties is shut down emotionally and has difficulty expressing how they feel. 
  • Anyone in the relationship trying to persuade, control or manipulate the other person against his or her will.
  • Disrespecting the boundaries of the other person. 
  • Anyone in the relationship having to be right all the time.
  • One party speaking, and the other party speaking, but neither speaking with each other.
  • One party discussing issues that he or she has with the other, and the receiving party taking offense because he or she feels imperfect and exposed due to unhealed childhood traumas.
  • Invalidation of the truth of either party.  
  • Yelling, raging, berating for no reason (obviously abusive).
  • Gaslighting, love bombing, needling or any narcissistic or psychopathic abuse tactic.
 A REAL CONVERSATION

A real conversation is give and take. Both parties can be  open. Both parties can expect to be responded to and their positions affirmed. Whether or not the other party agrees, he or she can always affirm the other. Invalidation is the seed of disrespect.

You must ensure that all of your interactions are respectful with everyone in your life. This is YOUR JOB, not the job of the other person. You must be sure to express your truth openly, and ensure that the other person hears you and responds to YOU, not to their projection of who you are. There is so much I could say on this topic, but you get my point. There is a difference between a healthy conversation and an unhealthy one.

Tweak your interactions so that you are heard, validated and respected as a human being and you will see your own personal power and energy soar to new heights! You deserve it.

Monday, July 25, 2016

103 Things Codependents Don't Know

This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. 
  1. Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
  2. Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
  3. Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
  4. Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
  5. Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
  6. Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
  7. Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
  8. Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
  9. Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
  10. Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
  11. Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
  12. Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin. 
  13. Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
  14. Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
  15. Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
  16. Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
  17. Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
  18. Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
  19. Codependents don't know what their own values are.
  20. Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
  21. Codependents don't really know what they need.
  22. Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
  23. Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
  24. Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
  25. Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
  26. Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
  27. Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
  28. Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time. 
  29. Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
  30. Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
  31. Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
  32. Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
  33. Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
  34. Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
  35. Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
  36. Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
  37. Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
  38. Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
  39. Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
  40. Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
  41. Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
  42. Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
  43. Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
  44. Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
  45. Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation  because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
  46. Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
  47. Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
  48. Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
  49. Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
  50. Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
  51. Codependents do not know themselves.
  52. Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
  53. Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source. 
  54. Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
  55. Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
  56. Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
  57. Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
  58. Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white. 
  59. Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
  60. Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
  61. Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
  62. Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
  63. Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
  64. Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
  65. Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
  66. Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
  67. Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
  68. Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
  69. Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
  70. Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
  71. Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
  72. Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
  73. Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
  74. Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
  75. Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
  76. Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
  77. Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
  78. Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
  79. Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
  80. Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
  81. Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
  82. Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
     
  83. Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
  84. Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
  85. Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
  86. Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
  87. Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
  88. Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
  89. Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
  90. Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
  91. Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
  92. Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
  93. Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
  94. Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance. 
  95. Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
  96. Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
  97. Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
  98. Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
  99. Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
  100. Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
  101. Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
  102. Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
  103. Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Shame Attacks by the Inner Critic

The Inner Critic is an internalized version of your IMAGO, in other words, an introject of all the negative messages you received as a child. The Inner Critic is your Super Ego, which is in place to keep you in line. As a child this Inner Critic was formed out of the voice of your primary caretakers towards you. If your caretakers were mean, abusive, abandoning and rejecting, then you have a very strong Inner Critic inside your that is filling you with toxic shame and impeding on your life in a major way. It's like that abusive person or people live inside you today, no matter how long it has been. This is how our minds develop. It is true that the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice.

This Inner Critic is subconscious the creator of the False Self. The False Self is created in effort to appease the primary caretakers in childhood, and to try to help you get the love, attention and direction you so desperately need as a child in order to survive. Your inner critic is shaped in the opposite shape as your primary caretaker. I have found that the Inner Critic serves the following toxic functions:
  • Keep you striving for external sources of validation.
  • Keep you striving to be perfect.
  • Keep you trying to obtain  love from abusive sources like you had to do in childhood. 
  • Keep your true self from emerging because your true self and true feelings were shamed into hiding when you were a child.
  • Keep you in line so you won't be abused anymore and so you keep getting conditional love. 
  • Keep the Fantasy Bond alive between you and your primary caretaker and any other relationships formed after this model.
Ways the Inner Critic Shows Up

The Inner Critic is the author of toxic shame. When the Inner Critic is activated, it causes you to feel toxic shame, which is the carried shame of the shamelessness of your abusive primary caretaker. The Inner Critic objectifies you and cuts-you-down if you don't meet it's relentless conditions and demands. If you were abused badly enough, the IC can make you feel guilty for your very existence.

  • When you feel worthless, the Inner Critic is behind the scenes subconsciously telling you why you're worthless. (ie: you are a failure, you're overweight, you're a pig, you're stupid, you're an idiot, you're unlovable, etc...)
  •  When you look at yourself in the mirror, the Inner Critic is the voice inside you that says, your posture is not perfect, you have chicken legs, you are ugly, no one will ever want to be seen with you...
  • When you get into your car, the Inner Critic is the voice that says things such as: You're a loser because your breaks are squeaking, your car is dirty, why are you always such a mess? 
  • When you cook dinner, it's the Inner Critic that says, why don't you give up, you know you can't cook, what an idiot you are! You forgot the salsa, your cooking stinks, and you suck.
  • When you're getting into a new relationship, it's the Inner Critic that says, No one will ever want you, you're not hot enough for that girl, she is going to see the real you and run, you have nothing to offer.
  • When you're going on a job interview, the Inner Critic is the one that tells you you're going to fail, makes you feel anxious and spill the coffee on your tie. 

The Inner Critic is EVERYWHERE!!! It is the shaming voice that tells you to do something, then chides you for doing what it told you to do 2 minutes later. The Inner Critic is a voice that's trying to keep you in line, keep you in the bounds of the conditional love that you received in childhood. Just because you grow up doesn't mean it goes away. If you were raised in an abusive, neglectful, disrespectful and abandoning environment, this Inner Critic is alive and well inside you as an adult until you confront it and take it down with the power of unconditional love and acceptance. 

Ways to Dismantle the Inner Critic
  1. Reparent yourself with positive self talk that incorporates unconditional love and self acceptance. 
  2. Argue / answer the Inner Critic using logic.
  3. Use logic to convince your Inner Child that the Inner Critic is wrong. 
  4. Remind your Inner Child that you are safe, that it is 2016 and that you have resources you didn't have as a child that you can use today.
  5. Tell the Inner Critic to "Shut the F up."
  6. Take up for yourself against the Inner Critic.
  7. Use insight and inner awareness to recognize the places the Inner Critic hides so you can meet it using your adult intellect. 
Here are ways to talk yourself through shame attacks by the inner critic:
  • Remind yourself that you have worth and value regardless of your mistakes.
  • Gently talk to yourself in a kind, compassionate and self accepting way.
  • Make positive affirmations on a daily basis about who you truly are.
  • Catch the Inner Critic in the act and begin to separate the Real You from the False Self.
  • Use art therapy to draw out the different facets of the Inner Critic in your life.
  • Use anchoring techniques to anchor good, positive thoughts and feelings in place of the old, painful and negative thoughts and feelings of the IC.
  • Re-arrange your memories of past abuse by imagining scenarios that workout in your favor.
  • Get the help of an expert therapist to help you dismantle the IC.
  • Write down all your self critical thoughts so you know what they are; answer these thoughts with the truth that you are worthy and valuable even though your car is dirty.
  • Keep a journal of your negative thoughts so you know what you're dealing with.
  • Do mirror work where you overcome the negative, self-defeating thought patterns about yourself with positive thoughts and feelings. 
  • Practice meditative techniques to let thoughts pass you by without dwelling on them.
  • Use thought stopping techniques to stop thinking those awful thoughts or to deal with it later. 
The Inner Critic is not your friend. It does not make you better. You are a better person when you love yourself unconditionally, when you're not shaming yourself but instead you are encouraging yourself that you are good enough. The truth is, the IC is outmoded. You don't need it anymore. You needed this introject in place as a child growing up in an abusive, harsh environment, but you don't need it today--in fact, today it causes you undue pain and hardship. The only way to get free of the pain of the IC is to dismantle it and love yourself unconditionally