Monday, March 23, 2015

Should You Embrace Or Reject Your Inner Critic?

This is an excerpt of a blog comment I just wrote on a beautiful blog post. I thought it may be helpful for you. See original comment.  And please leave me a comment or send me a private message on the SelfLoveU Facebook Page telling me how this work is affecting you (I am the only one who sees it and your message will be confidential, unless you give me permission to share). I love hearing from you. It keeps me going.

Embrace the negative or eject it? I know it’s important that we embrace our whole selves, however, I feel that parts of us that are divided against the well being of the whole (even if they’re trying to protect us), should be kicked out, separated, banished, shoved against the wall, kicked to the moon.

That Imago Interject is the voice of the abuse. It’s insidious. When you are hurting inside and in pain because of something your subconscious is telling you… things you were taught about yourself as a child, under all the layers, keep repeating themselves over and over and repeating the trauma. We’re programmed to do it to ourselves. The pain our wounded child feels is the result of these false messages. It’s despair.

There is no power in despair. But, there is power in anger. Even the body response is different, more alert, upright and ready for action. Tapping into our anger inside against the false messages that are inside. Getting mad at the injustice our own hearts spew without conscious awareness. Standing up to the Inner Critic has helped me to access my own power and given me the ability to set boundaries within and without against criticism and conditional love.

My Inner Critic is never sad, confused or angry. It is just cognitively and constantly saying that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t go that deep, however, it wounds deep. My Inner Critic is not in my limbic, it’s in my Cerebral Cortex. It’s the judgment piece, which takes critical thinking, which is higher level, more cerebral than the wounds of my inner child (the emotional part).

I love the way Peter Walker, MA Psychotherapist explains how to deal with the inner critic. I’ve read it many, many times.

Once I started rebelling against the negative inner voices, I stopped hurting. There was no hurt in that area for the inner child to be hurt. It feels like I embraced the hurt not by holding onto it, but by kicking butt internally. Stopping the bleeding. Standing up to the Inner Critic has made all the difference. 1000s of little hurts, but one at a time.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Law of Attraction for Recovery

I posted this as a comment on the following blog post. Packing Up the Trauma. Wanted to share it because it captures a lot of my truth. I plan to do a video on LOA and Recovery soon...

"I see a clear vision of my healed self. I call it the Vortex. Abraham Hicks. Law of Attraction has had a huge impact on my recovery. Lists of positive aspects. Gratitude. Getting in touch with your desires and needs. Getting into the “feeling” place of what is wanted. HUGE. I now know I can have anything I want, and that my life is a manifestation of what is inside. That I am the creator of my reality. My feelings about things fuel my world and create what happens to me. If you can believe it, you can achieve it. If you’re not achieving it, it means you don’t believe it.

One must only focus on what is wanted, and allow abundance to flow. The resistance is the negative core beliefs–the wobble. Anything that is aligned with source is positive and good. When you feel negative emotion it is because you’re not aligned with source, in fact, this is a key indicator. Negative emotion is anti-source, anti-truth. For the truth is you are love and you are light. Unconditional love. And as child abuse survivors, our task is to remove the barriers to the truth that is within… If you don’t know where you’re going, you never get there… you are in default. Knowing what you want and getting into the vibrational match of it is the ultimate way to get out of the shell, in MHO."

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Attachment Disorder

This work is so good, I'm copying a bunch of stuff from the blog glossary: 

Latest on the Brain: What is EMDR–& Why’s It So Effective?
Neurofeedback: Healing the Fear-driven Brain
The Body Keeps the Score: Dr.  Bessel van der Kolk
Oct-Nov 2014 Trauma Webinars: van der Kolk, Levine, Siegel
Dr. Stephen Porges: Polyvagal Theory, Parts 1-3
General Theory of Love: How Mammal Brains Work, Part 1
...General Theory of Love: How Mammal Brains Work, Part2
General Theory of Love: Mammals Require Attachment
Three Neuroscientists: van der Kolk, Perry, Siegel

How We Develop: Dr. Allan Schore: What is the “Self”?
How Your Brain Works 101 – Dr. Bruce Perry
..Developmental Trauma – Bessel van der Kolk
Attachment & Developmental Trauma – Dr. Bruce Perry

Did I Attach?: 
I Flunked Bonding 101: What ‘Inner Child’ ?
Bruce Perry in Washington: On Relationships

50% Suffer Trauma: ACE: The Greatest Study Never Told
California’s First ACEs Summit, November 2014
From the Butt End of Evolution: My Family Tree
“Pediatricians Screen for Child Trauma” by Jane Stevens
Is Our Government Safe? “Dream of a Safe America”- Laura Kerr
A Pastor’s Battle with Childhood Trauma

On Healing Attachment Disorder:

Trauma Bonding, Betrayal Bonds & Stockholm Syndrom

Hold up y'all. Things are about to get real. As you know, I am a child abuse survivor and I've been through a lot of difficult times in my life. Thankfully I've worked hard and have attained a high level of healing, however, I will never forget where I came from or the path it took to get here. I will always remember and always have a soft spot for people who are stuck in abusive situations. My heart breaks for victims of abuse.

Here are typical questions of victims of abuse.
  • This guy just spit on me. Why do I still want to be with him?
  • This woman just cheated on me and still I can't find the strength to let her go.
  • I hurt so badly. All I want to do is text or call him--even though he beats me up.
 These questions are hard-core. It's painful to even think for a moment that someone would actually want to protect someone who abuses them. Right? But it happens every day. It has happened to me too. Why? The answer is: TRAUMA BONDING.

Trauma Bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome and Betrayal Bonding is a phenomenon whereby a person who is abused BONDS WITH the abuser. It doesn't make sense does it? Very difficult to understand, however, this is a very common occurrence. My goal with this article is not to tell you about the Trauma Bond so much as to help you get released from the bond if you are in this situation, and to help you understand why you keep wanting to go back to someone who is an evil monster.

The more aware you are of how your mind works, the better equipped you are to make decisions in your best interest. The goal is to get away from the abusive person and never look back. The goal is to get out of bad relationships and get healthy so you can attract a healthy mate. The goal is to live a peaceful, calm, delicious life so that you can express your truth and live to your full potential. I believe this is possible for each and every one of us. Yes, even you. ((Hugs))

According to my research, here's what happens when you are abused (experience trauma):
  • Trauma causes memory disturbances that reroute memories causing forgetfulness of what is really happening. Your mind goes into overload and starts processing things differently. You can dissociate (forget what is going on).
  • Trauma causes your hormones to flow. Women produce Oxytocin after traumatic experiences. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone, thus, if a woman is abused, she will bond with her abuser.
  • Trauma entails intermittent reinforcement meaning that the perpetrator is sometimes nice, sometimes abusive. This behavior is highly addictive and can cause the victim to become obsessed with the abuser. 
  • Trauma can be a form of "repetition compulsion" whereby a person is trying to right the wrongs of childhood abuse, or who feels comfortable in abusive situations. 
  • Trauma can cause "cognitive dissonance"
According to the theory of "traumatic bonding" by Dutton and Painter, powerful emotional attachments often develop from two features of abusive relationships: intermittent (sweet/mean cycle) reinforcement and power imbalance.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Narcissists Cannot Validate Consistently

Invalidation is one of the central methods of covert narcissistic abuse. The Narcissist simply CANNOT validate anyone consistently. For the Narcissist to validate your personal truth would be for you to cease being an object; and cease being an extension of themselves. You see, Narcissists see others as objects to be used for their own benefit, not as individual beings. If they validate your truth, it will mean that they themselves do not exist. It is only by pathologically turning others into objects to use and exploit that they experience any sense of self.

Please see my article on Validating Your Truth here.

A Narcissist is programmed (due to developmental trauma) to knock you over, kick you off center, cause you to be confused and not know who you are without them telling you who you are. Also, if the Narcissist were to validate you, then you would be strengthened enough to realize what it is that they're doing. They simply cannot support you in connecting to your own truth because doing so would strengthen your identity (ego) and make you immune to their manipulations.

The child of the narcissist is hurt the most by the invalidation of these predators because the child never gets to learn who they are because the narcissist refuses to mirror the child's truth back to him or her, because doing so would mean that their child is an individual--and that's appalling to the narcissist who wishes to use their offspring as an object, source of narcissistic supply, and an extension of themselves to exploit as they so desire. The child of the narcissist will only be validated when doing so butters them up for later abuse by their mentally disordered parent.

Narcissists invalidate constantly, in fact, invalidation is at the root of almost every form of narc abuse:
  • Gas Lighting - Abuse tactic to get you to question your own sanity (truth). This tact occurs in myriad ways; the end result is the questioning of ones own experience and feelings.
  • Intermittent Reinforcement - Hot and cold treatment leaves victim confused and bewildered. When in the throws of the high times with the narcissist, one is happier than ever, then when the narcissist shows their bad side, it causes one to feel lower than ever. All this is done to confuse, entrap and disorient the victim so that he or she will be less likely to recognize exploitive behavior on the part of the narc.
  • Silent Treatment - The Silent Treatment is a covert form of narcissistic abuse that also includes tactics such as ignoring, relegating to text contact, or any other form of subtle disrespect that is an attempt to punish you for not going along with the narcissists abuse--or offending the narcissist in any way. The Silent Treatment is a giant energy suck because it causes the victim to obsess over the reasons for the silence, and to reverse the energy by trying to get the narc's attention. The Silent Treatment is a covert psychological ambush that renders the victim more likely to be open to invalidation later when the nice narc finally decides you're worth talking to.
  • Mimicry - The narcissist mirrors people to make them feel flattered, loved and special, however, the narcissist does not love anyone and doesn't think anyone is special except him or herself. Mimicry is a fake process the narcissist uses to trick you into thinking that he or she cares, and thus causes you to trust, empathize-with and rely on the narcissist even more.
Narcissists will, however, validate you during the idealization stage--or else who would give them their energy? However, as soon as narcissists have taken what they want, or gained the sense of power and control they are seeking, they naturally morph into the invalidating role intermittently, of course, just to keep you from noticing their thievery.

It has been my experience that people who are unable to validate your truth are narcissistic, and potentially malignant narcissists--it all depends on where they fall on the continuum. Still, knowing that narcissists cannot validate your truth consistently is a good way to weed out the takers from the good people in your life who are capable of respect, intimacy and validation.

Validating Your Truth

Validation of your truth is the essence of respect. When others appreciate your truth and validate your truth, it means that they are giving you space to have your version of your own truth without trying to correct you, tell you that you're wrong or explaining what they think you should be feeling or experiencing. Validation is a crucial ingredient to building a healthy identity if you've incurred any abuse or trauma in the past, or if you're simply lacking in a sense of self worth and self esteem. Invalidation is a key issue for victims of narcissistic abuse and child abuse.

The Root of Validation is Respect.
Psychological and emotional validation is pretty difficult to explain technically, however, invalidation is something that most every one has felt, though we may not always know when it is occurring. As a part of my healing journey, I've become aware of invalidation in my relationships, as well as within myself. This awareness has helped me to see which relationships are healthy and worth keeping, and which relationships are toxic and harmful for me.

When I am invalidated, it makes my day feel down. It makes me feel down. It makes me feel badly. Yet, when I'm validated, I FEEL LIKE PRINCESS LEIA!!!  I am energized. Renewed. Invigorated. I believe in myself. Validation is like scoobie snacks. So, so, so good for the soul.

It is my hope that these insights will help you to understand the unhealthy dynamics in your relationships and your internal dialog so that you can begin to protect yourself from those who wish to deny you right to your own truth... and to help you know when you're tangoing with a narcissist in disguise.

The Root of Validation is...
  • Respect for you as an individual. 
  • Respect for you as a person. 
  • Respect for your experience. 
  • Respect for your individual rights.
  • Respect for your beliefs.
  • Respect for your choices.
  • Respect for what you feel.
  • Respect for your own intuition.
Notice that VALIDATION does not imply agreement. We can be validating to others even if we don't agree. Validation is not a blanket agreement, but rather, the allowing of the unique experiences, feelings and expressions of that person without trying to rewrite, manipulate or replace how they're feeling or experiencing with ones own sense of what's right or wrong.

Validation is simply accepting ones unique view of our own experiences and giving us space to be who we really are. Validating is the process of supporting, encouraging and allowing that person to have views that are uniquely his or her own, without trying to replace their truth with our own.

Give people SPACE!!!

We've all been culprits of invalidation, especially if we don't realize what invalidation is, or how to validate properly. The key is to understand how to connect with others in a way that conveys respect for their experience without losing our own opinions and experiences.

What Is Validation?

Validation is at the heart of intimacy. Sometimes to know what a term truly means, it helps to write lists. I love writing lists about psychological topics because it always leads me to insight and discovery. So, what is it like we are validated by others?
  • We feel good.
  • We feel as if we're healing.
  • We feel connected.
  • We feel right.
  • We feel okay.
  • We feel heard.
  • We feel understood.
  • We feel seen.
  • We feel loved.
  • We feel important.
  • We feel approved.
  • We feel alive.
  • We feel refreshed.
When we are validated by those around us in our relationships, we feel like we're on the right path... It helps us to feel grounded in our truth. It gives us fuel to soar to new heights. Validation is the act of being seen for who we are, not for what others want us to be.

Invalidation, on the other hand, is NOT being seen for who we are, but actually being shamed or made to feel that the way we are--believing, feeling--is wrong. Chronic invalidation in childhood is considered traumatic and damaging to the heart and soul of a person. Like "soul murder." Invalidation is at the heart of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in adults and in my opinion, invalidation plays a significant role in the formation of codependent traits.

If you wish to learn more about Invalidation, I highly recommend you watch my YouTube Video on Invalidation vs. Validation and study this website: I have also gathered some research on Invalidation Here.

Being Validated: How Does It Look In Real Life?

When you are validated it means you are given space to be who you are. When in a relationship with someone who is validating towards you, you experience a feeling of ease, comfort and mutual acceptance.

Invalidation, however, causes you to feel rejected, wrong, ignored and squashed. Invalidation is a form of covert psychological abuse. Invalidating comments can often be very subtle, so the victim has no idea that he or she is being disregarded. At the core of the issue is respect of one's right to be, as well as to feel and express their true experience to an accepting other. Validation is at the heart of intimacy, respect and regard.

Here are a few examples of the process of validation in every day relating.

Statement of Personal Truth
There was something about that person that concerns me.

Validating Reply (while not necessarily agreeing)
Really?  I didn't notice anything... but then again, we only spoke to her for about 10 minutes.

Validating Reply Implies:

- I do not agree or disagree with you.
- I did not see the same thing as you, but I won't say you're wrong in what you saw.
- I didn't see anything alarming, but I could be wrong.
- You may be right.
- I'm willing to keep an open mind.
- I trust your opinion.
- I may or may not agree with you, either way, I respect your vantage.

Invalidating Reply
Really? I thought she was sweet. (condescending tone)

Invalidating Reply Implies:

- I do not agree with your experience.
- Your experience is wrong.
- My experience is correct.
- You are incorrect. 
- I am better than you.
- Your gut instincts are wrong.
- My gut instincts trump yours.
- You should feel ashamed for saying otherwise.

When a person invalidates another person, it has been my experience, that they are attempting to gain some sort of control, or gain power over the other. They are trying to use this person as an extension of themselves and not give that person the freedom to be who they are while offering their support. Here is another example:

Statment of Personal Truth I am no longer a Christian.

Validating Reply (while not necessarily agreeing)
That's okay, I respect your beliefs. I will still treat you the same.

Invalidating Reply
I cannot even continue this conversation. How could you not be a Christian?

Learning to recognize when your truth is being validated and when it's being invalidated is a big part of learning to bond to the right kind of people, especially when you were raised in an invalidating environment. You must learn to turn away from invalidating people who wish to take you off the throne of your own life and put themselves there instead. You must learn to recognize and appreciate people in your life who give you space to be who you are and encourage your freedom of thought, speech, feeling, belief and experience. Find those validating people and always, always validate yourself. ((Hugs))

Sunday, March 15, 2015

What To Do If I Feel Like Saying I'm Sorry All the Time [SelfLoveU Video Q&A]

Child Abuse Recovery, Validation & Support Practical Advice for Loving Yourself More

Send me your questions! I love hearing from you. Join our Facebook Page and send me a message. (((Hugs)))

Saturday, March 14, 2015

True Self/False Self Playlist

Very good explanation of True Self/False Self.


Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio
False Self is part of yourself that has adapted to a threat. It is the "part of you that has adapted to threats but no longer recognizes the adaptation or the threat."

God's disapproval - Threat. Damnation by God to hell.

Spanking, beating, bed without supper

Requires kids to adapt. No greater disparity in power than between parent and child. If parent making threats, child must adapt to those threats. Out of fear, children surrender to abuse.

Begin the process of pretending that a threat is not a threat.

My parents hit me because I was such a mess. Changed threat into a necessary virtue. Adapting themselves to a threat and forgetting adaptation and threat. Conformed to good behavior. Not I conformed to a threat. (Basically, we're lying to ourselves.) 

Defense must be 100% if threat 100% - Causes the two to merge. Defense of immorality arises deep defense. Very hard to dislodge. Once the True Self 

Defenses so merged with attacker. Abuser internalize. Inner child cannot be recovered. Defense is terminal to True Self.  Our defenses hardened unless we work to break free.


Boundaries: Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

Thursday, March 12, 2015

How to Meditate to Connect with Your Core Self [SelfLoveU Video]

Feelings, heart, somatic experiencing, integration, mindfulness, breath, pain, release, growth, healing, love, present moment, presence, higher self, truth, core, wounded self, body scan, hypnosis, relaxation, wounded child, trauma recovery, child abuse recovery, codependency, addictions, relax, freedom, spaciousness, release, emotional pain, wounds, abuse recovery, chakra, heart, heartmath

Self Love Video Series (YouTube)

Self Love Videos - Inner Child Healing

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Don't Give to a Taker

We can never give enough to satisfy the TAKER. It's just not possible. We irrationally believe that if we give, give, give, that one day the TAKER will be fixed and satisfied. Granted, this is a noble, selfless effort on our part--one we likely learned in childhood when we were vulnerable and helpless--however, this sacrifice is killing our own souls. We don't even get a thank you! Instead we are rejected by the Taker who loses respect and seeks another Giver to exploit. We must take our heads off the guillotine. We must stop ourselves from giving into the black hole of selfishness of any other person. We must reroute our time, attention, affection, concern and caring back to where it belongs. We must learn to GIVE to ourselves. We must take comfort in those who can give and take equally.

Jenna Ryan 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

I'm Sorry-Blake Shelton

This is a great song for reminding us to hold our ground and stop allowing people to hurt us. #selfloveu #loveyourself #music

Friday, March 6, 2015