Love Equals Respect

Respect in relationship occurs in the flow of defining who you are and how you feel. If you are engaging with someone who refuses to make behavior adjustments In accordance with your moderate emotional comfort, or at least acknowledge that you have a right to feel disappointment, frustration, anger or any of your feelings... This shows a lack of respect for your humanity. This is not okay and is considered unempathetic and disrespectful. Someone who respects you and treats you well is going to make Room for your feelings, boundaries, requests. They're not going to stonewall, gloss over the subject or demand that they are right. 

A person who is capable of Loving is capable of seeing when they may be wrong. They are capable of self reflection. They can apologize or they can discuss the hurt feelings of another without feeling threatened. Loving someone unconditionally requires that you allow them space to exist Separately from you. You are not responsible for their feelings and when they hurt your feelings you can express yourself safely and be validated by them.They meet your needs to be seen, heard and understood. That is love.

This takes maturity that some people do not have. Some people cannot love because they cannot give you space to be, they must always be right and they cannot see things from your perspective because they don't have #empathy.

If you come across a person like this it's better to keep your distance. Wish them well in love and light. You cannot change them or teach empathy. Being in a relationship with a person who does not give you space for your feelings, boundaries, makes you externally controlled; it is #enmeshment--toxic. You are not responsible if your boundaries hurt them. It is your responsibility to take care of your own sense of self and stay on your own side of the fence. You cannot control how other people feel if your existence hurts them. That's #codependency. Even though it hurts to walk away, you must do so for your own integrity.- Jenna Ryan 8/9/2019

#truth #truthbomb #love #respect#friendshipquotes #friends #lovers#relationshipquotes#relationshipgoals #relationships#selflove #selfloveu

You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

It's Okay to Let People Know When They Take a Crap on You

You do not have to feel guilty for letting people know that they have upset you. It is your responsibility to express your truth and let people know when they've crossed the line. This is being human. It's not like you're exploding like a crazy person when you let them know. You are calmly expressing your disfavor. There is nothing wrong with defining yourself and having a voice.

If you feel guilty for expressing your disappointment for the disrespectful treatment from others, then remind yourself this: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS YOUR DISFAVOR. You don't have to be nice all the time, especially to people who are rude, abusive, exploitative, petty or dishonoring to you. You don't even have to be nice to normal people who are making you upset. You can be who you are, no matter who is coming at you.

Years ago I used to be so nice to everyone, no matter what they did to me. I had some impulse inside of me to continue being nice to rude, mean people. I would even call them and invite them places and sometimes buy them gifts. They would ignore me, reject me and laugh behind-my-back. I was a doormat and I couldn't stop myself.

This is because I was conditioned as a child to be a people pleaser, even to abusers. I was taught that I was worthless and that I needed outside approval. It has taken a long time to learn that I have a right to stand-up and walk-away from mean people. I am still learning this more clearly every day.

I still have tendencies today to be too nice to rude people. I have to stop myself. Sometimes, I'm nice to rude people without even thinking about it. It's like my true self goes away and the little child in me takes over unprotected. My little child still has problems with being triggered, overwhelmed and afraid of obnoxious, manipulative or demanding people.

Sure, I could read articles about how to shut-down bullies, but that is a topical solution. My inner child takes over whenever I get around people who have characteristics of my original abusers (wounding). So therefore, all the articles on being assertive in the world won't help me unless I get the cooperation of my inner child.

When my inner child gets scared, she freezes and goes numb. People are then able to do things to me without my adult self knowing what's up--until later when the mean person is gone. Then I used to complain to others, but now I am at least healed to the point that I go directly to the offender and let them know and set a boundary. Sometimes I stay present the entire time, it depends on how rude the person is and a host of other circumstances.

Part of my healing requires that I dialog with my inner child and to let her know that I'm here now. We are not back there when I was abused as a child. We're here in 2016 and together, we have the ability to protect me. It's 2016 and mean people can no longer take control of me. It's 2016 and I am healed and I have the power to walk away. It's 2016 and I can take a stand; and if necessary spray mace in the face of any attackers (just kidding, sort of).

Little by little when you start taking a stand for YOU, your inner child starts trusting you more and you can stay present. If you are triggered back to a child state when you're around abusive, irate, explosive or bossy people, then starting a dialog with your inner child is essential. Letting your inner child know that you are there to protect him or her is the pathway to recovery.

Let your inner child know you're here to protect and defend her. Don't spend another minute feeling guilty for being who you are. It's not your fault that person is creepy! Why should YOU feel guilty for some hurtful, disrespectful thing someone else does to you??? It's your right to let them know what you don't appreciate.

The Guilt Factor

The guilt comes in as a leftover from childhood. Children often feel guilty for the behavior of their parents. Kids see their parents as gods just in order to psychologically develop. If you feel guilty when expressing your angst to abusive or otherwise hurtful people, it is not a feeling for today--it's leftover childish thinking from long ago. The truth is, it wasn't your fault then and it's not your fault today. They should have treated you better then, and you have the power to require that others treat you better today.

Some guilt also comes in from deliberate placement by your original abusers. Narcissists, psychopaths and other maladaptive personalities purposefully induce guilt in order to control and exploit--especially their own vulnerable children. A narcissist caretaker teaches the child to feel guilty for the child's own negative emotions toward abuse. It's a form of emotional manipulation; and parentification of children. This is an insidious process that cripples the child emotionally and in all later relationships until healing is discovered in adulthood. Some guilt is planted by the original abusers, so don't fall for it.

You have the right to feel like crap if someone takes a poop on you. It's not your job to feel guilty for letting them know you're not a toilet.

Boundaries Bring Respect

I found this old blog post on another blog that I've since made private. I decided to post it here because it's pretty darn good and may help someone... Namaste 

When you set a boundary with someone and that person walks away, you can be sure you did the right thing. If someone walks away when you set a boundary, it means that their intentions were foul from the get-go. It's just as well that someone who doesn't respect you just keep walking out the door.

If you set a boundary and someone aggressively ignores it, you know it's time for you to assert yourself, give consequences and stick to those consequences. 

Setting boundaries is your own responsibility. No one else on this planet is responsible for protecting your own inner-resources. No one can do it for you. You must stand up and put a barrier between you, your goodness, your virtue, your friendship, your attention, your everything--and the world.

My background, as many of you know, has been wrought in abuse.  I learned to believe that I had no rights. I had to do anything and everything that my abusers--or anyone else--wanted me to do. In fact, I was conditioned to believe that not only must I give into anyone who wanted anything from me, but also, that it was my job to PROVE to that person that I was a "nice person," a "good girl" and worthy of love. I was taught to be a nothing. I was taught to give myself away to anyone who demanded it. Child abuse caused me to think, act and feel like I was worthless.

Today that has all changed. I am a new person now. I have gone back through the mess--all the lies, the abuse and exploitation that I've endured. I have done a lot of HARD WORK to re-program my mind to protect myself properly instead of cowing down to pressure.

I must admit. Making the transition from doormat to an Equal Lover has not been easy. This is because my brain is still conditioned--thus synapses are strong--to allow others to easily take advantage of me. But, every time I challenge those old false beliefs, and act in a way that honors myself and protects that which is me, I start to get better and better. More and more practice. I am re-wiring my own brain! It's astonishing.

I equated love with giving everything I had away. I equated love with lying down and allowing others to stomp on me, abuse me, hurt me and exploit me. I equated love with being "nice" and doing what others expected of me. Even though I acted all tough on the outside, inside I was a scared little girl, willing to do anything to please others because I thought that would bring me love.

Well, now I see that love is not that. Love starts with loving yourself. You have to be a person, a whole person and that means, you must have lines that cannot be crossed. You must be willing, at any moment and under any circumstances, to walk away from anyone who does not respect your boundaries, that is your separate identity and all the rights that entails.

When you start putting up boundaries, it feels awkward. You feel like people won't like you because you've set boundaries. I've found that the opposite is true. Erecting boundaries is a great Litmus Test to see the true intentions of those around you. If the person's intentions are not good, the person will walk away when you set a boundary. It means that he or she is not willing to accept you as an individual with human rights. It means that he or she is not willing to see you and respect you. If that is the case, you have one thing to say--BYE!

If the person's intentions are good, then he or she will respect you. Once respect is established, the relationship can flourish over time. You can give parts of yourself as YOU SEE FIT. You are not REQUIRED to give anything up in order to keep the person near you, or to prove yourself or to get that person to like or love you. You CHOOSE to give up parts of yourself because you want to experience the joy of giving and receiving and sharing and connecting. You are coming into the relationship with a full heart, ready to give and receive rather than an empty heart, desperate to be filled.

Eventually setting boundaries gets easier. At first, it is a stunt that takes a lot of thought. Then as you set boundaries, you begin to love yourself more and gain self respect. Your boundaries give you definition, thus there is more you to love. Your boundaries give the world more of yourself to love. Your boundaries confirm your identity. As you repeatedly protect your own best interests, eventually, this practice comes automatically. You begin to attract people in your life who are better for you, even as people with unscrupulous motives are repelled by you. Good riddance!

 

What is Respect?

What does it mean to be respected? It's more than just being honored and tended to. Respect is simple. I love Pia Melody's definition of respect:

Respect is allowing someone to be who they are without judging them or trying to change them into what you need them to be. ~ Pia Melody 

Respect is allowing another person to be who they are. Self Respect is honoring yourself, honoring your own truth and standing up for yourself, even when others don't like what you have to say or who you are. Self Respect is sticking to your own truth and not bending to be accepted or approved of by others. Respecting others involves letting them be who they are without judging them or requiring that they fit your ideals in order to get your approval or acceptance.

I love respect. It feels amazing. XO 

Getting Your Needs Met

Everybody has needs. We all do. Each and every one of us has needs. The things we need are what make us human. We need attention, love, affirmation, direction, respect, encouragement--we need all sorts of things!!! If we were brought up in an unhealthy environment, we may have been taught that our needs are a burden, that we should be ashamed of our needs, or we might not even know what our needs are. This leaves us as a decoy for selfish people who are only focused on their own needs.
 
If you were not taught how to get your needs met in a healthy way, you may resort to indirect methods for getting your needs met, or you may refrain from getting your needs met at all, which is very painful. Without a clear understanding of who you are and what you need... without a clear understanding of your right to have needs, and your right to expect your needs to be met... without respectful modeling and self love and self respect, you will have a hard time filling the emptiness inside. We are created for relationship and without the proper connections, we dwindle like a plant without water. If we are out-of-touch with our needs, we die on the vine.

Getting your needs met as an adult is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Some people are entitled. They think everybody else was put on earth to meet their needs for them. They take no responsibility for their own needs and blame anyone near for their issues. Others are "needless and wantless." They have been conditioned to not have any needs at all. These people may feel like a victim who is constantly being abused and martyred. The best way to be is healthy, self-nurturing. It's best to know who you are, know your needs, be confident to make your needs known, and strong enough to walk away or distance yourself from those who are incapable of meeting your needs in reciprocal fashion. You need the water of connection, friendship, relationship to be a healthy, whole, fulfilled person.

Many of your needs can only be met in relationship, but it is up to you to foster relationships which are capable of meeting your needs. Relationships that are unequal, one-sided or abusive will not do the trick. If you want to be fulfilled and happy, you must cultivate relationships with people who are capable of filling your emotional cup and respecting you, even as you do the same for them.

Some people in life are selfish and only focused on their own needs. These people will exploit others by focusing the attention of the relationship on them and by ignoring your needs. Really crafty people who are seriously toxic may even ignore your needs, steal all the attention and then blame you for being selfish. Imagine that! These people are out there. Beware.

The point is that you have a right to your needs and you have a right to expect your needs to be met. That doesn't mean that people should always cater to your every whim and pay attention to you whenever you beckon. I'm not saying that! Everyone has their own decisions to make about what they can do for other people. What I am saying is that you don't want to be in a relationship with a blood sucker who just wants to exploit you by stealing your time, energy, emotions and thoughts without giving you anything in return.

You deserve to be considered. You deserve a reciprocal relationship. You have the right to express what you want, and the right to expect that your needs will be reasonably met in a relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your needs or pretend not to need anything in order to win the approval of others--that is murderous to your own soul! You shouldn't be so bent on pleasing another person that you swallow your own values and mold yourself into the shape of their liking. This is like walking to the gallows. Don't allow yourself to be hanged in the name of acceptance.

If you are confident to let your friend, lover, spouse or employer know what your needs are, then you are doing the right thing. Just be sure to recognize that not everyone is capable of treating you with respect and honoring your humanity, and therefore your needs. Some people will try to invalidate you by ignoring your needs and putting their own needs up front. You don't ever want to be in the position where you want or need another person in your life so much that you're willing to deny your own needs. This is the equivalent of losing yourself and disappearing.

Some people will walk away from you if you choose to honor your own need to have needs. Those who are insensitive to others may not even like you expressing what you need. Don't let them hurt you. As you love yourself more and begin to gain confidence in expressing your needs and realizing that your needs are valid and you are deserving of an equal relationship, you will lose a few people along the way. Some people will not like that you are a whole person who is full of self love. Let them walk. Let them go. You are more important than any person who thinks you're not.

Don't ever be afraid to ask. It's your right to have needs and to expect your needs be reasonably met. Anyone who walks away from you for asking is not someone you want in your life anyway. Someone who refuses to meet your needs is implying that they are more important--that their needs come first. Don't put up with that! Stick with people who honor your needs and understand reciprocity and know how to relate on a mature, healthy level. Surround yourself with great people who see your value, treat you with dignity and make room for your expressions and your needs. You are SO worth it!

Non-Violence / Equality

Love This!!!

Equality in Dating Relationships Wheel

How to Know If You're Being Disregarded

Messages are sent and received during your interactions with others. The interactions you have with others, good or bad, send messages to your psyche that either validates, affirms, accepts and values your existence, or invalidates, questions, rejects and devalues who you are. It is your job as guardian of your own soul to ensure that you are being treated well by those around you so that you can grow to your full potential and live a peaceful, healthy life inside and out.

Only The Disregarded Care About Disregard

There are many who say that it is only those who feel less-than that are concerned with how they are regarded by others, and if that's the case, okay. I'll admit it. As an adult Child Abuse Survivor, I've had my moments of feeling lower than the rest of the world. My goal here is not to inspire you to be a weirdo checking to make sure everyone around you regards you rightly, but more, to help you discover ways you may be allowing yourself to be put in a subservient position without knowing it. Awareness is always better than being in the dark.

Relationships Fill or Deplete

We are all intricately connected through relationship. We need relationships with others to meet our emotional needs. The relationships that we have in our lives are either healthy and life-giving, or toxic and life-taking. People in our lives either support us by lifting us up and affirming our reality or not. Toxic relationships tear us down, exploit our energy, seek to control us, and may cause us to question our identity and worth. The quality of the connections we have with others greatly affects our overall well being.

Even small encounters with people you barely know end up sending messages to you about who you are and where you stand in the world. If you want to know the signals you're giving out, look at the way people are treating you. You train others how to treat you. 

Whether you feel valuable as a person or not reflects in your relationships because your relationships are a reflection of your own value towards yourself. If you want to know how you value yourself, take a look at how others treat you. They are following your lead, for the most part. Of course, there is the occasional creep, but I'm talking about the people who sustain you.

Messages About Self Worth

The messages we received growing up are the messages that form our self perception. If we were devalued as children, we will continue that pattern as adults by devaluing ourselves and letting others devalue us too. We simply don't know any other way. If we were devalued as children, we were "conditioned" to be devalued and expect to be treated badly, even if allowing such treatment is hurtful. Poor treatment becomes normal to those who are abused as children.

If you are not taught to protect yourself as a child against the adults who raise you, then you are inadequately prepared for the harsh realities of the world. If you were not valued as a child and treated with respect, then you are ill-prepared to face the world and its obstacles. When you come from an abusive upbringing, whether it was the fault of your parents or not, it can be very difficult for you to know who you are.

You can only perceive yourself rightly when you are raised in a respectful and loving environment. If you don't know your worth and value, your life can be very difficult and painful. You may blame yourself for situations that are not your fault, and you will likely be filled with shame for being yourself.

Pain is a Messenger

When you feel badly, hurt, sad or depressed, it all comes from the root of your own opinion of yourself deep, deep, deep down in your subconscious. Further, if you question your value as a person, chances are you have allowed other people into your inner-world who do not affirm your preciousness.
 
Pain serves as a signal to your mind that you have been wronged in some way, that something is amiss. It does not mean that you are bad or inherently flawed. It simply means that some aspect of your thinking or relating is damaging your soul. It's important to listen to the message that your pain is sending you. Pain is the catalyst to growth. It is only when you listen to your pain that you can solve the dilemma and grow as a person, mature emotionally and feel better.

We must become keenly attuned to our pain, the pinpricks of our heart in order to accurately gauge the worthiness not of ourselves, but of our interactions. If we've lived our lives avoiding pain, stuffing hurts down so as to make others happy (learned from improper childhood conditioning), we may not have immediate and direct access to the emotional triggers that signal improper treatment. It is only by becoming aware of our internal world, and understand our rights as human beings on this planet that we can begin to recognize when damage is taking place and take immediate steps to protect ourselves.

An example of this is a child who is taught to be nice to her abusers. A child is not going to argue with an adult, of course, as the adult is terrifying to her. Her very life hangs in the balance. She feels her survival depends on compliance. A child psychologically idealizes her caretakers, putting them on a pedestal. An abusive person who seeks power and control may exploit their power over the mind of the child. What happens is the child learns to mold herself around the needs and wishes of the abuser. As she gets older, she never loses that life schema, but continues to treat abusive people like they're better than her.

If we experienced maltreatment growing up, we may have a hard time recognizing it today. Some disregard of our person by others may pass by unnoticed unless it is blatant. While we may not be consciously aware of all the devaluation that takes place, subconsciously our mind records every misstep. We are constantly gauging our worth and value to others and to ourselves during our social interactions, and in our own minds in the form of self talk.

Now that you're an adult, you have responsibility for yourself. You are no longer a child, no longer at the mercy of your parents. You are now capable of making positive changes in your life, and setting boundaries against improper treatment. Understanding this truth is empowering. Depending on the level of devaluation that you received as a child, it may be hard to value yourself and recognize poor treatment. That means you may have to learn to value yourself manually since it will not come naturally to you. This is a very difficult process, but it is possible to learn how to love and value yourself and recognize improper treatment--IF you're willing to do the work of healing and unraveling the lies that keep you abandoning yourself and engaging in toxic relationships.