Saturday, February 28, 2015

25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit


The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect

This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships.  I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.  

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This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.

Codependency is a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain. You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you. The list below will show you specifically how you may be doing this with friends, family, lovers, children or spouses.

A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.

A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.

Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.

One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?

1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.

2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.

3. I give too much benefit of the doubt. When my boundaries are violated or someone disrespects me, I automatically assume they aren't aware of what they're doing. I immediately forgive them without protecting myself first. Instead of standing up for myself, I attempt to convince them that what they are doing is wrong. This is back-ass-wards. Why do I keep teaching them how to wipe?

4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.

5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.


6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.


7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.

8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.

9.  I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!

10. I am blind to the truth that another person will hurt me on purpose. I can't fathom that someone I love and care about will hurt me in any way (consciously or unconsciously). Instead of protecting myself and setting limits, I try to get them to see the err of their ways. I abandon my own identity in favor of helping them validate my identity for me. (C'mon and cooperate will ya???) Although I'm learning that it's not healthy to assume that others (even those you love) will always be giving, loyal and thinking of my best interests. Even the nicest people in the world take advantage of you if you let them. Someone has to take care of me... plus, there are some real wounded assholes out there. Pew wee.

11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.

12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.

13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.


14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.

15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.

16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...

17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.

18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic.  I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.

19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response? 

20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...

21.  When offenses add up, I feel guilty for "over-reacting."  Instead of taking care of myself throughout the relationship, I allow the other person to walk over me little-by-little. When the offenses add up, I get angry and emotional. This angry outburst leads me to feel guilty. Then, I feel so badly that I forget the original violation. This wrong feeling causes me to blame myself for everything and kiss butt even more.

21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.

22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.

23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing. 

24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.

25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.

BONUS 26:  

Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me.  Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.

BONUS 27:

I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.

BONUS 28:

I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles.  I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.

BONUS 29:

I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.

We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others.

Awareness is 99% of the game. Just knowing how you truly think and feel is half the battle, but it is in the implementation of what you know that your true power arises. If you were raised to relate codependently, you will need to be extremely mindful of your current relationship patterns as well as the underlying motivations and intentions for your behavior. Examine everything. Life is a classroom and your lesson is learning to love and value yourself on all levels. I have confidence that both of us will pass the test. Btttttttt

Thoughts?


*Why do I let people treat me like shit?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?

42 comments:

  1. "Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me. Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: This rarely works. "

    I wouldn't say that I'm trying to make them feel "guilty" per se. It's more like, I would feel HORRIBLE if I treated someone like that person treats me. If they KNEW they were hurting me, they would stop.

    There reality is....not really. It might make them behave even worse.

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    1. I don't think I consciously try to make them feel guilty. I think I try to make them feel guilty without realizing what I'm doing. I figured this out by practicing mindfulness techniques and self-inquiry. Thank you for your comment.

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    2. We do a lot of these things subconsciously. It requires a lot of honesty to get to the nitty gritty details like this.

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  2. Good article. Sad fact: How fucking hard is it to be a friend? its probably the easiest 'job' in the world, but I find people that fuck it up. Ugh, I just don't get it.

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    1. Agreed, Monica. You shouldn't have to teach or tell someone how to care about you. Pretty sad it's taken me this long to realize that if someone is not being good to me that they just don't care. I'm glad I now know how to detach from those who show me that they don't respect me or care about how I feel. Thank you for your comment.

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    2. Hi Jenna-do they really "not care", or is it that they dont care about THEMSELVES in a healthy way, so they dont know how to be different? i find that telling myself people dont care, makes me even more desperate and sad. Seeing it as THEIR limitation, helps me move on to folks who do know how. Thoughts?

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  3. Wow... thank you for writing and sharing this. It is really right on and amazing. Wish I didn't say that it's me all over the place, but I know well how I contributed to being abused in my relationship, by allowing it in so many ways that you describe. Awesome article.

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    1. Thank you, Robyn. I wish it wasn't me either... but even though it sounds horrible, it feels amazing to see the truth. This stuff has been bothering me for decades. Now I can see what I'm doing and that's one step closer to stopping it.

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  4. Thank you so much for this article . It is the best I have ever read

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    1. Welcome, Jennifer. I appreciate your kind words. You are not alone!

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    2. This really is the best article I have read on this subject. It is amazing how many years it can take a do-gooder to learn that she needs to do good for herself first. I look forward to learning more from you, Jenna, and the posters.

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  5. These 25 descriptions of being co-dependent may be the most comprehensive, succinct, and helpful thing I've read, on being co-dependent.
    It's helpful because when going through it, you just feel like you're just trying really hard to be a loving, respectful spouse/parent/whatever; but the perspective the list gives is such a deeply personal insightful description; that after 40 years of read self help literature I finally feel like someone nailed the inside experience completely.
    Whew.
    # 21 feels especially horrible. It's so such a relief to have someone understand and articulate it.
    Thanks so much.

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    1. Wow! What a great response. I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear that my experiences are relatable to you... it is very validating and gives me fuel to keep sharing. Thank you. Thank you.

      I could write a book on each one of these points... there is so much to share... I want to spread the word to help others who are floundering and who don't know why. We were raised to be selfless. We need that self in order to be whole. It's the hardest battle I've ever faced, and senseless it seems because there is a way out... and I am finding it.

      Yes, 21 is particularly painful. Pain and codependency are one in the same.

      Thank you, Subhadra. Please stay in touch.

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  6. (The bonus ones are right-on as well.)

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  7. Thanks, I will likely add more bonus points as they come up... ((Hugs))

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  8. Soo familiar. So sad. I wish for the list to be in the past sence instead of present, so that it doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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  9. Great idea, Felicia! Thanks for your input.

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  10. Wow, this is my life! Thank you for expressing these patterns so well. And here's to us for fighting the good fight, may we learn a healthier way... One step at a time!

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  11. Well done.You get it all on print. It's exactly what someone tried to tell me. I get scared of my self. But I gonna make it through. I have started my way to a new life

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    1. hi luckigl lisa i get scared of myself too !. new to this site did'nt like face book.

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  12. That's the spirit, Lisa. We are STRONGER than we realize. :)

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  13. Thank you for this article. It was wonderfully written. Learning to be my own best friend and loving and respecting myself is a journey I look forward to making.

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  14. Perfect. so comforting to hear the truth and know as survivors we are not alone!!
    I'm learning to play hockey. Physically learning to stand up for myself and set boundaries.
    as a country - investing in child abuse prevention programs can help - like home visiting of new parents, parenting groups - they are all woefully underfunded. as survivors, it's a cause to support.

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  15. Very good! Hockey sounds like a great way to gain greater dimensions of self protection. Go for it!!! Thank you for commenting.

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  16. This article was a slap in the face, what are you doing girl kind of thing!
    But how do you go about setting boundaries? Protecting yourself, guess I'm naive and too kind hearted.. but maybe some suggestions on how to help yourself would help.. a boost in the right direction so it doesn't create fights and arguments... This article is so me and what I'm in right now... Thanks

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  17. I thought maybe you were my long lost sister or something cause that sounds exactly like me. Oh my goodness, it is so on target with every point. Thanks for the words to what I have been feeling about myself. I didn't know how to describe it. But this was perfect. Boy do I have a lot of Honest soup to be having!!! LOL

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  18. All I can say is wow....been looking for this revelation for a long time.100 percent me down to what I do for a living (Paramedic). Thank you so ice for this knowledge!

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  19. I so value this site. After about 22 years of what has been described from others very well. thankyou. I lost my ability to speak and developed a stammer, could not work even voluntary work. could i have stopped the pattern? probably not then but i hope so now. thanks again for insight.

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  20. does anybody who has experienced this feel cold toward other people? I have sudden flashes of anger when I thought i was the understanding one, then feel guilt. Not used to anger.

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  21. Dear Jenna, I don't even know where to begin in relating to you my truly heartfelt gratitude for this article you have written. I am 54 years old and the pain from failed marriages and failed relationships with family and friends has become so crushing that tonight I was going to end my life. I simply could not understand what was wrong with me and why my life was one big failure after another. Even my very own children, whom I feel I have done the very best I could and every decision I've made for the past 33 years was made for their benefit, walk all over me, speak to me disrespectfully, and show very little appreciation. This crushing pain became unbearable. As I read your article, tears flowed from my eyes like a dam that had just been opened. I was reading an exact description of myself so precisely it was as if it was written by someone who had known me my whole life. For the first time in my life it was as if someone finally understood me and was able to put all that I was feeling not only into words, but explain why I was feeling this way. I didn't even know about Codependency. But reading this article has given me new hope and made me realize I'm not a bad person without any worth, I just allow bad people to take advantage of me and take my feeling of worthiness away. How do you thank someone for saving your life...I don't know of any words that can fully convey or express my gratitude for the hope and inspiration to pursue more about dealing with Codependency, but THANK YOU with all my heart and soul for this new found hope!!!

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  22. my boyfriend and I both have co-dependency issues. But before I met him I worked a lot on mine. I am disabled and he was making life easier for me. This went on for years but I noticed I wasn't treating him very well. I realized this was because deep inside I really wanted to do these things for myself, and that his encouraging dependency in me was his own issue and actually a manipulation on his part. But I didn't refuse the help. But it came a point where I stopped letting him do things for me and actually started trying to pay him back by doing things for him and helping him out. This is partly because I realized the sickness of the relationship and partly because i was now in a better position. BUT what ended up happening his in reaction to my being less of a burden and more of an asset..he started treated ME like shit. My knee jerk reaction was to think I deserved it because I treated him like shit all those years. BUT I have been though too much therapy and realized I simply can't fall into a pattern of accepting abuse again. Plus I saw him with his addict brother and realized the true depth of his co-dependency issues, and that THIS had been the problem in our relationship all along. So I am in the process of withdrawing my help because it's clear I am doing too much. It's not working out for me trying to pay him back. He really doesn't know how to encourage people to treat him well. It's either screw or be screwed with him. That's his issue. And I told him to go into therapy of al-on or something but he's not listening to me.

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  23. Loved this article!I've been this way my whole life and despite going to therapy and working on myself I feel stuck..what suggestions can you give me on defeating this thing once and for all.I need specifics on each one what and how to...

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  24. I love the article it so hit home for me...I am a codendent please tell me there is help!!!! tired of feeling like this.

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  25. This article perfectly explains why i always get into abusive relationships. It has opened my eyes wide to my self destructive ways. Hopefully, this will lead me towards the path of wanting to be in a healthier relationship in the future.

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  26. Oh my god �� this is me... every single word describes how I behave. How come you know all of your annoying habits as a codependent; did anyone point that out to you? You are really good! I knew there was something wrong with my programming that I allowed every single person to step all over me... but some of the things mentioned here; I never would have noticed that I do them without having them pointed out to me. Extremely insightful article.

    I never knew why i was this way. Growing up, i was not only not validated; i was invalidated... verbally and physically attacked. It was normal then. I grew up into a self harming individual, who always believed she was bad and deserved the shit she had to put up with from others. Now that coping mechanism has caused me more problems than i can put up with.

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  27. Oh my god �� this is me... every single word describes how I behave. How come you know all of your annoying habits as a codependent; did anyone point that out to you? You are really good! I knew there was something wrong with my programming that I allowed every single person to step all over me... but some of the things mentioned here; I never would have noticed that I do them without having them pointed out to me. Extremely insightful article.

    I never knew why i was this way. Growing up, i was not only not validated; i was invalidated... verbally and physically attacked. It was normal then. I grew up into a self harming individual, who always believed she was bad and deserved the shit she had to put up with from others. Now that coping mechanism has caused me more problems than i can put up with.

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  28. I ordered a combo from this menu. That's why people everywhere I go here in Bloomington IN are treating me like shit. It took them a couple of years,but its finally here.

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  29. What an EXCELLENT article! I identified with SO MANY of those behaviors. It's great to finally get to the ROOT of my problem so I can finally start to FIX IT! Thank you!!

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