VALIDATION OF THE NARCISSIST

The narcissist may validate false parts of you. The Narcissist tricks you by feeding your ego with things they want you to need instead of what your ego actually needs. This process is a trip.They are trying to program you by validating you in the direction they want you to go. They will start flattering you in areas that are unimportant to you in order to get you to fall into their trance; it's tricky because they are flattering with their forked tongues, and as an empath, you feel obliged to accept it--even though it's not the ego food you need. The validation of the narcissist is not even validation that the empath needs. It's shit they don't need, but the narc programs it into the conversation as though it were something needed.

Validation from the narcissist is like eating dirt. It's invalidation as they try to define you with soothing words, compliments, and familiar, commonly desired assessments of who you are. It's not who you really are, not what's important to you. They coax you into trance position, program you to follow THEIR path for you. Make suggestions in order to define, control and entrap you. They want you to be their slave.

Listen to their lies as they try to lead your subconscious with compliments, flattery, suggestions... Awareness is a great place to start. Once you know what they're doing, they lose power over you. Don't turn back and look at them, you will turn to salt.

Spit out the "validation" of the narcissist. The compliments they give, the suggestions, the ideas, the affirmations. They're trying to take over your I AM, your sense of self. Your being. They want to get out ahead of where you are going and growing. They want to take you over and stunt your growth. They want your growth to be their narcissistic supply. They want to destroy you. It's evil.

This type of mind-control is subconscious, hardly visible to the naked eye, unless you are very conscious.

They try to tell you who you are, and if you were raised in a narcissistic environment, then you give over the controls to your personal operation when someone comes around sounding definite. You have been programmed to hand over the controls whenever someone comes in with cunning speech, waxing poetically about some attribute that's so great about you--something you never cared about. Suddenly, you are fooled into believing that is something you wanted, needed, requested, require.. when truth is, you don't want or need that shit at all.

Narcissists give you validation that you don't need. They are off. They are not authentic, not real. They are plastic. They're rote. Broken record, "One Hit Wonder." They have one mode, "Get narcissistic supply." They have one mode: MANIPULATION.

If they were to actually validate something real, then you would grow and become more. They do not want your growth AT ALL. Your growth is their demise. They will never truly validate you, unless they have to in order to love bomb you, or unless they need to validate you so they can control you more and take you down later. In the end, no matter what, you're going down.

But I'm specifically talking about the control tactic of the manipulator where they validate and compliment an area that is meaningless to you... That if you look closely you can see the program. If you are meeting your own needs you don't need the empty words of the narcissist. Don't believe their lies. Don't follow their compliments off the cliff. Don't let go of yourself.

Know who you are. Don't let anyone define you. Don't go out into the world needing compliments, affirmation or any of that. It is not safe to rely on other people to tell you who you are. You've got to figure that out on your own. Tell the world who you are. 

If someone repeatedly compliments odd ball things about you, make a mental note. Is this person trying to manipulate you? It's so subtle! It's so covert!!! But it can take you off your path. If you aren't strong in what matters to you, you can be removed from the driver seat of your own existence.

HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS

There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.

Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.

And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.

A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.

At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.

So there you are.

Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.

Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.

Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.

Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.

Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.

Feeling strange being honest and real.

Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.

Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.

Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.

And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.

There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.

It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.

It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.
Jenna

How to Deal with Insecure People

Standing In Your Own Column of Light

Someone once told me to "stand in my own column of light" in reference to a relationship issue I was having at the time. This phrase stuck with me and I've expanded the concept to assist me in healing from codependent thought patterns and relationship habits. I'm using the concept of STANDING IN MY OWN COLUMN OF LIGHT to define the separation process required to self differentiate and become my own person. I'll be using this term a lot in future videos and articles.

Standing in your own column of light, is an analogy that I'm using to describe the process of recovering from codependency and relational enmeshment. Caring too much. Loving too much. Living for others. Seeking external validation. The process of tearing yourself away from codependent attachments, enmeshments and toxic caretaking and rescuing of others.

When you are raised in a less-than-nurturing environment, you are not able to develop a full, mature and self supplying identity. Your identity becomes toxic-bound to your caretakers and the child ends up becoming either narcissistic or codependent depending on the level of abuse, dysfunction, neglect and/or abandonment by the primary caretaker. Neither type of person can maintain their own "column of light," or stand on their own, be their own person without the support of external validation. 5 Ways to Detach.

In simple terms, the narcissist depends on narcissistic supply from others to maintain self esteem, whereas the codependent depends on giving narcissistic supply to others to maintain self esteem. Both narcissists and codependents have a problem with being themselves, nurturing themselves, protecting themselves and functioning without external validation.

Healing from the enmeshment of is necessary if you want to become your own person. Which means, healing from being dependent on the approval of others, and healing from the need to control others and make them like you, and healing from the need to feel responsible for other people at the expense of self.

This to me is the healing that is required if you wish to stand in your own column of light. You have to let go of attachments to things outside of self, and learn to get your emotional supplies from within. This means, you have to help yourself to attach to your higher self, or higher power within, and you have to learn to operate completely from self--with or without the need of the approval or validation of others. 

DETACHMENT

Your Own Column of Light
is held in place
by healthy detachment. 

The only way to stand in your own column of light and be your own person is through the process of healthy detachment. As a codependent, we take too much responsibility for the feelings of others, and we try to control the opinions that other people have of us. We try to earn love by pleasing others since we, as codependents don't feel worthy of love in and of ourselves. We do all sorts of unhealthy things as codependents, like trying to control other people with our own caring and then resenting them for not caring back. We try to get our personal supplies externally through the approval of others. We try to get other people to make our decisions for us. We try to get other people to do the heavy-lifting in our lives, then turn around and resent them for it. We must learn healthy detachment.

Part of the healing process is what I'm going to call detaching from the "Caring Attachment." You must detach from unhealthy attachments if you want to be your own person and stand in your own column of light. By attachment, I mean CARING. Part of the healing process involves NOT CARING as much as you did before about things that are outside of your own Column of Light. You must learn to recognize where these unhealthy caring attachments are in your relationships with yourself and others.

Example of Unhealthy Caring Attachments

• Caring about what other people think about your life's decisions. 
• Caring about someone so much that you ignore the fact they're abusive towards you.
• Caring about someone who is totally and completely disregarding you.
• Caring about how you look to the extent that you avoid being social with others. 
• Caring about someone who is ignoring your basic human relationship needs. 
• Caring about someone who does not respect your boundaries. 
• Caring about someone and sacrificing for someone who is rude and disrespectful to you. 
• Caring what someone else thinks about your personal relationship choices. 
• Caring what someone says about your body, mind, possessions and making adjustments accordingly.

 There is nothing wrong with having compassion. There is nothing wrong with empathy. However, there is something very wrong about caring--caring to the extent that you make decisions relative to your caring for others that are detrimental to yourself.

As a recovering codependent, it is so easy for me to relate to this caring attachment. My family of origin was highly codependent and they all cared about each other way too much. I was taught to put others before myself. I was taught that it was selfish to think of myself first, and that it was noble to put others before me. I was taught this by my parents, by society, by the church. No where in my upbringing was I taught to care about myself first. However, unless you learn to loosen your care and concern for others, you are doomed to cave in on yourself.  Just like you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to save anyone else, you need to put yourself first, and care about yourself first before you can care about others.


This means that you detach from caring about people and people's opinions and attach to your own thoughts and feelings that are relevant for your life. This is a difficult task, especially if you've been taught that your needs should always come last. If you've been taught that you should care about what everyone thinks over what you think, then it's time for you to LET GO and CATCH YOURSELF. It's time to detach from giving so much care at the expense of yourself.

This is one way to stand in your own column of light. Just DETACH.

• Detach from ruminating about the opinions of others.
• Detach from trying to please someone who keeps changing their mind about your life.
• Detach from making everyone else happy but yourself.
• Detach from giving a rip about what other people think about your lifestyle.
• Detach from trying to make other people love you.
• Detach from trying to impress others.
• Detach from trying to prove yourself to anyone.
• Detach from pleasing other people.  
• Detach from caring, from giving and from using your over-love to make up for your own perceived flaws. 

 
This is a really difficult concept to convey. I hope I've done it justice. In my heart, I feel a tearing. A tearing, like a tearing of flesh, but more in the emotional realm. I feel an emotional tearing away of my attachments to people, places and things. I feel myself separating, becoming a single person--yet a part of the whole, someone who is gradually re-learning how to think for myself and care more about my own opinions, values, judgments than I do about any others. It's not fun, but I'm making progress. I hope this helps you too.

COMMENTS:

Елена Никешичева Hard to write but excellent! For me it's very useful to remember that fear and attachment are related in the amygdala. That's why it is so difficult not to help, not to please, not to resque. I did it to survive. And now I mustn't do it to live as a normal human.

Danielle Excellent article. Although I am not Buddhist I have been reading a lot about Buddhism and the art of non attachment. No doubt I have a negative/anxious attachment style so even the thought of non attachment makes me a little nervous but I feel such peace within myself when I just let go of outcomes and mindfully practice non attachment. Thx for sharing

How to Stop Loving the Narcissist & Start Loving Yourself (Video)

Breaking Free from the Narcissist

Dear Jenna, 

I've been in a relationship with a person who has NPD. At first I didn't know about NPD or if he had it but I observed him and figured it out. He was never there for me, not even the time when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The problem is I'm emotionally attached to him and I'm an empath. He has just taken advantage of me in various ways and I've always given in. I want to break free but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to. He is still a mystery to me even after 2.5 years and I'm aware that he has cheated on me either by flirting with other women or by not letting me in completely in his life. His words never equal his actions but my addiction to him is like me being addicted to cigarettes. Want to leave but cannot. I'm in pain, Jenna. Please help.

I was there. You MUST get out. It can literally kill you. I had a heart attack due to all the abuse, etc... Take little steps each day, become aware, use your empathy on yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You CAN get out. It's not easy. There is pain you must face, lies you must untangle. I'd say about 1 year of excruciating emotional pain is necessary as you discover the truth about why you're truly attached to someone who is abusing you.

The reason you love the narcissist is because you have yet to face some truths in your life. There are other people (parents maybe?) whom you have yet to realize were abusive to you and are potentially still abusing you. You love a narcissist when you are split from yourself. This split is akin to DID where you have multiple personalities and amnesia walls. These amnesia walls hide the truth from you because it's unbearable pain. In order to break free of this addiction to the narcissist, you must break down the amnesia walls and integrate your personality. You must face every lie, and face the truth no matter how painful.

This truth for me was that people in my life I thought loved me, in reality were stabbing me in the back and keeping me in a prison.

This narcissist addiction is in your life for a reason as a pointer to your healing. It is a call to come out of the fog and face the truth. I recommend reading Alice Miller's books and also to brace yourself to handle some deep secrets about who really loves you and who is stabbing you in the back.

Our current relationships are a repeat of our childhood patterns. You are not in love with the narc. You are trying to get your parent(s) to love you and projecting that loyalty onto the narc.

Don't Give to a Taker

We can never give enough to satisfy the TAKER. It's just not possible. We irrationally believe that if we give, give, give, that one day the TAKER will be fixed and satisfied. Granted, this is a noble, selfless effort on our part--one we likely learned in childhood when we were vulnerable and helpless--however, this sacrifice is killing our own souls. We don't even get a thank you! Instead we are rejected by the Taker who loses respect and seeks another Giver to exploit. We must take our heads off the guillotine. We must stop ourselves from giving into the black hole of selfishness of any other person. We must reroute our time, attention, affection, concern and caring back to where it belongs. We must learn to GIVE to ourselves. We must take comfort in those who can give and take equally.

Jenna Ryan 

I'm Sorry-Blake Shelton

This is a great song for reminding us to hold our ground and stop allowing people to hurt us. #selfloveu #loveyourself #music

Narcissists & Their Partners: Unraveling the Bond (NPDRecovery Video)

This is a really good video explaining the ramifications of narcissistic abuse  in childhood and coming out of the FOG to seeing the truth.

Narcissist Scams Codependent (Repost Video)

Codependency Starts in Childhood

Some of Them Want to Use You

Allowing yourself to be exploited is a tragedy. It hurts you in more ways than you realize. It damages your heart, kills your self esteem and sucks away precious energy that could be better used moving you forward. You are not an object, though being used makes you feel like one. If you've ever felt like people take advantage of you, then read this article. I think it may help you stop the destructive relationship patterns and choices that leave you feeling devalued.

When I say "exploited," I'm talking about allowing yourself to be treated in a manner that is undignified in any way by any person, group or entity. Undignified treatment is that which strips you of your dignity, devalues you, disrespects your feelings, your time, your resources or worse.

You know the song, "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics?

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.

If you were subjected to devaluing treatment growing up, then you were likely made vulnerable to abusers by being starved for emotional connection at home. 

Exploitation has parts

1. Lack of Self
2. Lack of Awareness
3. Lack of Validation
4. Lack of Assertion
5. Lack of Ability

These 5 Lacks

Exploitation occurs in the area of lack of the one being exploited. 

1. Lack of Self
Without a strong sense of self, it is difficult to know how you feel. If you don't know how you feel, your wires are crossed. You may feel upset about poor treatment, but not be able to express your feelings moderately. You may project your feelings, repress, deny or ignore what's really going on, all the while walking as a lamb to slaughter into the hands of a wolf in sheep's clothing.

2. Lack of Awareness 
You are unaware of the warning signs of abuse or mistreatment. Maybe devaluation is comfortable for you. Maybe you were devalued as a child. Maybe you continue to devalue yourself today with the help of your inner critic? Whatever the reason, when someone abuses you, you may not notice it as abuse, setting yourself up for further abuse. 

3. Lack of Validation
If you were not validated properly as a child, then you are probably not validating yourself properly now. Validation is very important, although many families are wholly invalidating. An atmosphere of invalidation of ones feelings and reality leads to a sense of worthlessness.

4. Lack of Assertion
If you were not validated and taught your value as a child, then you will not have the ability to stand up for yourself as an adult. You may not know your rights as a person and you may not even know how you feel. In order to prevent yourself from being used, you must set boundaries that are firm and certain. You must enforce consequences to those who do not respect your limitations.

5. Lack of Power
If you lack the ability to know how to get your needs met, you will end up being needy. A needy person is excellent prey for the exploitative person who wants to use you. The truth is that you don't have to be needy. You have the ability to get your needs met; you may just not realize that you do. If you feel you have needs that you cannot seem to get met on your own, go to a therapist and talk this out. Do whatever you have to do to come to terms with your own power.

You do not deserve to be used. You are a person who is valuable and worthy of respect. You deserve to be treated well. You are worthy of honor, and you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity and not allow yourself to be used and exploited for any reason. Take time to work on yourself. Take time to learn why it is that you're attracted to unscrupulous people (if you are), and get out of the cycle of abuse with mean people. You are beautiful--it's your time to shine.

Getting Your Needs Met

Everybody has needs. We all do. Each and every one of us has needs. The things we need are what make us human. We need attention, love, affirmation, direction, respect, encouragement--we need all sorts of things!!! If we were brought up in an unhealthy environment, we may have been taught that our needs are a burden, that we should be ashamed of our needs, or we might not even know what our needs are. This leaves us as a decoy for selfish people who are only focused on their own needs.
 
If you were not taught how to get your needs met in a healthy way, you may resort to indirect methods for getting your needs met, or you may refrain from getting your needs met at all, which is very painful. Without a clear understanding of who you are and what you need... without a clear understanding of your right to have needs, and your right to expect your needs to be met... without respectful modeling and self love and self respect, you will have a hard time filling the emptiness inside. We are created for relationship and without the proper connections, we dwindle like a plant without water. If we are out-of-touch with our needs, we die on the vine.

Getting your needs met as an adult is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Some people are entitled. They think everybody else was put on earth to meet their needs for them. They take no responsibility for their own needs and blame anyone near for their issues. Others are "needless and wantless." They have been conditioned to not have any needs at all. These people may feel like a victim who is constantly being abused and martyred. The best way to be is healthy, self-nurturing. It's best to know who you are, know your needs, be confident to make your needs known, and strong enough to walk away or distance yourself from those who are incapable of meeting your needs in reciprocal fashion. You need the water of connection, friendship, relationship to be a healthy, whole, fulfilled person.

Many of your needs can only be met in relationship, but it is up to you to foster relationships which are capable of meeting your needs. Relationships that are unequal, one-sided or abusive will not do the trick. If you want to be fulfilled and happy, you must cultivate relationships with people who are capable of filling your emotional cup and respecting you, even as you do the same for them.

Some people in life are selfish and only focused on their own needs. These people will exploit others by focusing the attention of the relationship on them and by ignoring your needs. Really crafty people who are seriously toxic may even ignore your needs, steal all the attention and then blame you for being selfish. Imagine that! These people are out there. Beware.

The point is that you have a right to your needs and you have a right to expect your needs to be met. That doesn't mean that people should always cater to your every whim and pay attention to you whenever you beckon. I'm not saying that! Everyone has their own decisions to make about what they can do for other people. What I am saying is that you don't want to be in a relationship with a blood sucker who just wants to exploit you by stealing your time, energy, emotions and thoughts without giving you anything in return.

You deserve to be considered. You deserve a reciprocal relationship. You have the right to express what you want, and the right to expect that your needs will be reasonably met in a relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your needs or pretend not to need anything in order to win the approval of others--that is murderous to your own soul! You shouldn't be so bent on pleasing another person that you swallow your own values and mold yourself into the shape of their liking. This is like walking to the gallows. Don't allow yourself to be hanged in the name of acceptance.

If you are confident to let your friend, lover, spouse or employer know what your needs are, then you are doing the right thing. Just be sure to recognize that not everyone is capable of treating you with respect and honoring your humanity, and therefore your needs. Some people will try to invalidate you by ignoring your needs and putting their own needs up front. You don't ever want to be in the position where you want or need another person in your life so much that you're willing to deny your own needs. This is the equivalent of losing yourself and disappearing.

Some people will walk away from you if you choose to honor your own need to have needs. Those who are insensitive to others may not even like you expressing what you need. Don't let them hurt you. As you love yourself more and begin to gain confidence in expressing your needs and realizing that your needs are valid and you are deserving of an equal relationship, you will lose a few people along the way. Some people will not like that you are a whole person who is full of self love. Let them walk. Let them go. You are more important than any person who thinks you're not.

Don't ever be afraid to ask. It's your right to have needs and to expect your needs be reasonably met. Anyone who walks away from you for asking is not someone you want in your life anyway. Someone who refuses to meet your needs is implying that they are more important--that their needs come first. Don't put up with that! Stick with people who honor your needs and understand reciprocity and know how to relate on a mature, healthy level. Surround yourself with great people who see your value, treat you with dignity and make room for your expressions and your needs. You are SO worth it!