Saturday, May 3, 2014

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person?
  • Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
  • Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
  • Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
  • Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
  • Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
  • Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
  • Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
  • Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
  • Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
  • Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
  • Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.
Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...
  • Does not respect you.
  • Is trying to manipulate you.
  • Wants to control you.
  • Is exploiting you.
  • Does not care about your feelings.
  • Is pulling a power play.
  • Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
  • Wants to keep the upper hand.  
  • Is selfish.
  • Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
  • Does not care about your relationship.
  • Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
  • Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
  • Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
  • Wants you to be their fawn.
  • Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 
So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary. Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. 

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.

60 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Sounds like it should be easy for you. Simply stop initiating contact. just respond to them when they contact you, if they ever do. Then do what this article says, fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity relationships, and who value you and will not judge you for wanting the respect of a simple response to you when you contact them.

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    2. I believe to ignore someone is a way of bulling. If a person ignore me I just leave it for the moment, when they contact me I just sent 'n like pic or say thank you. Most of the time they get the massage that I'm not cool with there behavior, but I'm not going to drop to there level. Most of the time they start to get more involve in my life, but I stay friendly but keep them at a distance. If it happen that they ask me about my new behavior I tell them that it isn't good for my self-esteem if someone I care about ignore me and I need to protect myself.

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    3. I believe to ignore someone is a way of bulling. If a person ignore me I just leave it for the moment, when they contact me I just sent 'n like pic or say thank you. Most of the time they get the massage that I'm not cool with there behavior, but I'm not going to drop to there level. Most of the time they start to get more involve in my life, but I stay friendly but keep them at a distance. If it happen that they ask me about my new behavior I tell them that it isn't good for my self-esteem if someone I care about ignore me and I need to protect myself.

      Delete
    4. I so agree with you, Delea, that this is a form of bullying. I have come across this behaviour in my life and it is very stressful. These people seem to be narcissistic and controlling. Some are relatives so it is very hard to find the right words to set up the boundaries. I am learning and since I found this website I am sure now that I will have success in dealing with these people. I was just reading one blog last week where this woman states that it is abuse when someone ignores or does not include a person in conversation. It does feel like abuse to me.

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    5. Wrong. Your expectations of others and criticizing them for not meeting your needs is what is bullying. Nobody owes you anything. You meet your own needs in life. Of course, relationships like those with parents involve give and take. But beyond that, nobody owes you anything.

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    6. I fully disagree with it not meeting our own needs. There's a thing called acquaintance and friendship. Friendship is showing each other you care about one another on a regular basis. By ignoring them they are merely a acquaintance. If you treat your friend like a acquaintance you don't deserve that friend.

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    7. I agree with all the other comments above, thank you, to you all. I also think it's gutless and manipulative, and they are not playing fairly, at all. No one likes being ignored, no-one. If they were ignored they also would not like it. It's cowardly and I think sometimes there lack of openness about what's really going on, they ignore, because they don't really want to be forthcoming, as they may fear that there reasoning will not stand up under scrutiny. As they had motives or agendas that were not made clear to you. I think they are game players.

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    8. Don't expect people to make u happy look after yourself first and foremost never let anyone bother u life's to short

      Delete
    9. Don't expect people to make u happy look after yourself first and foremost never let anyone bother u life's to short

      Delete
  2. This is perfect. My whole family of origin used this on me. I did evenually stop reaching out and the silenced continued. But I doubted mtself and never said anything for years. Now some of my children do that. The intermittent reinforcement and it is time to speak up. No matter what their response or not I will have my self respect of speaking up and even walking away if need be. Thank you for the words my soul needed to hear.

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  3. Thank you this was helpful! But what if the person who ignores you is always who starts up the conversation, talks a little bit and then ignores what ever I replied. Happened alot, how should I act?

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    1. This is exactly what my oldest daughter does. I now just ignore her baits. Do not play the game.

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    2. As though you're just as "Busy" as THEY are!

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    3. I really am busy. And now much more at peace not hoping to have a friendship with those who by their actions want only a superficial acquaintance, if that.

      Delete
  4. Describes me to the "t" I pray that today I start doing the thing I need to do to help myself thanks for posting

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  5. I really enjoyed reading this article. Sometimes, I think, we just need a reminder that we deserve to have our needs met and be respected. So thanks for that. And especially when the offenders are family.

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  6. Thanks a lot!! I serially needed this dose! Else i would have ended up hurting myself....
    Thanks tonnes!
    Specially the closing paragraph...<3<3 :*

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  7. Ahh, Validation.

    It hurts me a lot to really let go of this particular person, but it hurts more to keep pulling off the scab.

    Thank you.

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  8. I struggle with this paragraph "When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. " I disagree completely, we don't need anything from anybody, we supply this ourselves, the minute you give in and communicate that it bothers you, the minute they will do it more. In my opinion, the best approach is to let go, you don't need anyone's response to be happy and carry on with your life, and that's your boundary right there. Let people come and go from your life cause they WANT to not be because they HAVE to..

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    1. JV we are hard wired as social beings. So being respected, recognized and appreciated by other is a need. Communicating to others your needs and what you want and need in a relationship foster social intimacy which is important. "The silent treatment is the ultimate diss and is psychologically abusive because of that. Those who will not or can not give us the acknowledgement and behave in ways that foster good relationships with us do not need to be in our lives. But we do need others to be happy and healthy and sane. Why do you think isolation is a severe form of punishment. We do need others. The thing is to weed out those who can not meet our needs and let those who can be in our
      lives.

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    2. I try to be passive as long as I can. If a person ignoring you is not so important such as fellow worker then let it go. I think if I talked with that person about how I feel, do you think he/she befriend me? I am not important to that person so why I give importance. Keep distance and find good people.

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  9. I can tell you from personal experience in the last few months the world is a much better place when you remove such things from your life the world looks a whole lot better and happier. 50 years I have been walked on and a few month ago I found Jenna and that led me to start standing on my own 2 feet. For the 1st time in my life I can honestly say I am happy and Love me hang in there As there is a light at the end of the tunnell

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  10. My partner uses the silent treatment when we have an argument. It makes me very upset and I react badly to it when it happens. I'm almost scared of it and will do anything not to let him do it but nothing works. I always cry and can b not eating and upset for days before he will stop sometimes it's because I have been crying for hours in the last days because I can't take anymore. He is doing it now and it eats me up. He goes on with life like normal knowing how I am feeling. Why??

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    1. I can be wrong but I sense manipulation from his side. Sometimes people get a kick out a situation like you describe.

      What I will suggested is to tell him that what he is doing is not cool with you. Make it very short and sweet. Focus then on nice things and do things you like and do the same as he, carry on with life. Best is when you have the argument and you told him it's not cool remove yourself out of the situation.

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    2. If I were you, I'd research and learn about Narcissists.

      All the misery you're feeling is NORMAL and HEALTHY.

      All the misery you're SHOWING him is, forgive my vulgarity, making him come in his pants.

      He LOOOOOVES knowing how terrified you are of him and his behaviour.

      Let me guess that, at some point during one or more of his abusive RANTS, he's looked at you and snarled, in a NASTY and condescending manner, something along the lines of,

      "Look at you! You're freaking out over NOTHING!"

      "I SAID I HEARD YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????""

      " 'Everyone' knows how / what / who you REALLY are!"

      "It's because of YOOOOOOOU that (fill in name) never calls or visits me!"

      "I can't take any more of YOUR CRAZY SHIT! JUST GET THE FUCK OUT, ALREADY!"

      Delete
    3. This is emotional abuse. Get "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans if you want to know more about it. I had to read it about ten times before I could really use the knowledge without being confused.

      Delete
  11. This is so well written... I could totally identify with it.I feel very much encouraged to stand up for myself and avoid being played around with.Thank you.

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  12. It gets a little annoying - especially when you realise that the people getting back to you respectfully are all of the successful ones. The ones that don't get back to you are the ones who have fucked up their lives, have issues and just can't cut it - and these guys are the one you are potentially trying to help out by getting in touch. In fact, you may have already helped them out and they don't want to get back to you because they don't want to9 acknowledge the role you played in their success, which is something i see quite a lot of - it's a form of cognitive dissonance as these people are generally quite arrogant and when they were low had to rely on you and now they are 'back' - they can't reconcile in their mind that they needed your help to get to where they are. This is an IQ issue - as they can't see that nobody gets to be CEo without having had help from others - good teachers. mentors, parents whatever. Those that can't honestly acknowledge others are probably like this because they are selfish for whatever reason, or have let themselves down from not trying their best. I think the one thing to remember is that the healing needs to come from inside. If someone disses you, whatever the reason, it is due to an absence of love - not just for you however for themself. When this happens, you should look at taking a deep breath and say "i forgive you, I love you" - hold this thought and meditative action for 10-15 seconds and the emotion will move on, place it in a happy place. Then move on.

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    1. The most successful people say no to almost everything in life and focus intensely on their work/passion. That's what makes them so successful. Do you think Donald Trump has time to be sitting and chatting on the phone/texting all his family and friends? No, he is too busy making money and being successful. I live in New York where most successful ignore phone calls as they are too busy and overwhelmed being successful. That does not mean they are ignoring the needs of their family and friends who reach out to them

      Delete
  13. As they say, the best way to get revenge is by making decisions that make you happy. That means cutting out toxic people. If by a certain age people aren't ready to be a true friend with no strings attached, one would doubt that they will ever get there. What many people are looking for is what they didn't have when they were a child. Many kids miss out on being popular, on having any control over their life - whether it be due to having had controlling parents or whatever. Some people you deal with think they are really smart and they read power control books and think that by using ignore techniques from a book that they will be successful. This is simply annoying and shows that their IQ range is quite low - perhaps less than 105. Don't point out to them, however if it happens in public, just wink and smile at them when noone else is looking, and within 1.5 seconds of the event. It shows you caught it ie you know what they are doing, and it's just a leveller saying, 'i saw that, you're a fucking idiot'. I had one colleague who thought that he could maintain power by breaking eye contact frequently and looking in the other direction another colleague who would use key 'hypnotic' words such as 'listen', or what touch you on the arm to try and control you - all strategies of control in most psychological books. What you need to do in these situations is change your environment. Mysteriously disappear from FB and tell them that your account has been shut down and you're not prepared to upload your passport to get it redone, or that you lost your phone. Then focus on those good people around you. Focus on extracting meaning from your life, and to do the right thing. I had a secretary at my last work who came and belittled me on my first day, and continually did actions in front of the group that she thought would lower my status such as telling me to pick up a water bottle that dropped off my desk when I was consulting a team member. I did eventually crack it at her which was a mistake. However the lesson is... if you are the real shit, no body can take your status from you. So focus on your core skills - on how good you are at everything. I automated 3 people's jobs in the next week and the secretary was no longer undermining my status whatever she did. Another friend who has been ignoring me when I finally caught up with him, I asked him if he knew how much money I earned - his guess was 80% below my market price - many people have no idea who you are, what your values are, and how they should interact with you. They will show respect to people only when they think there is something in it for them. These types of people want the trappings of success yet weren't prepared to sacrifice when it mattered - this isn't to say they aren't smart, generally lazy ppl are quite intelligent, it's just that working hard and persisting is a better strategy in the long run than simply being smart. This is why these people aren't CEOs, and doing well in life, because you can only rise if you respect yourself enough to respect others, no matter who they are. Some of the smartest people I've met are secretaries, yet when I try to teach them something that don't want to learn.. I never understood, yet everyone is different and AI can respect that we all have different childhoods. I am a CEO of a cool organisation now - i started it. I walked down the business class boarding aisle to catch my last flight, and I usually wear pretty dressed down when I travel - the flight attendant told me to get into the queue with everybody else as she did not expect I was flying business by what i was wearing.

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  14. She, like many people who ignore others has no insight in what makes people successful in 2016. It is people who can fight in the trenches, and do it all, blend in in any environment who will write the future. It is people with EQ. People with EQ will win respect and status by using logic and arguments, not immature techniques which harm them more than it harms anyone else. I have a dual sim phone - my inner respect crowd get one number - people who respect me all of the time. Everybody else gets the other number which is turned off most of the time. You only get onto my inner respect line once you've proved yourself or you're a cornerstone client, even then, I had a client who was an asshole so I created a new email account just for him! Keep toxicity out of your life, no matter what it is! In friendship, I wish you health, and I respect you, I hope to be able to lend you a helping hand if you need it, or grab one from you if ever I am in need. Sincerely Kyo

    ReplyDelete
  15. She, like many people who ignore others has no insight in what makes people successful in 2016. It is people who can fight in the trenches, and do it all, blend in in any environment who will write the future. It is people with EQ. People with EQ will win respect and status by using logic and arguments, not immature techniques which harm them more than it harms anyone else. I have a dual sim phone - my inner respect crowd get one number - people who respect me all of the time. Everybody else gets the other number which is turned off most of the time. You only get onto my inner respect line once you've proved yourself or you're a cornerstone client, even then, I had a client who was an asshole so I created a new email account just for him! Keep toxicity out of your life, no matter what it is! In friendship, I wish you health, and I respect you, I hope to be able to lend you a helping hand if you need it, or grab one from you if ever I am in need. Sincerely Kyo

    ReplyDelete
  16. As they say, the best way to get revenge is by making decisions that make you happy. That means cutting out toxic people. If by a certain age people aren't ready to be a true friend with no strings attached, one would doubt that they will ever get there. What many people are looking for is what they didn't have when they were a child. Many kids miss out on being popular, on having any control over their life - whether it be due to having had controlling parents or whatever. Some people you deal with think they are really smart and they read power control books and think that by using ignore techniques from a book that they will be successful. This is simply annoying and shows that their IQ range is quite low - perhaps less than 105. Don't point out to them, however if it happens in public, just wink and smile at them when noone else is looking, and within 1.5 seconds of the event. It shows you caught it ie you know what they are doing, and it's just a leveller saying, 'i saw that, you're a fucking idiot'. I had one colleague who thought that he could maintain power by breaking eye contact frequently and looking in the other direction another colleague who would use key 'hypnotic' words such as 'listen', or what touch you on the arm to try and control you - all strategies of control in most psychological books. What you need to do in these situations is change your environment. Mysteriously disappear from FB and tell them that your account has been shut down and you're not prepared to upload your passport to get it redone, or that you lost your phone. Then focus on those good people around you. Focus on extracting meaning from your life, and to do the right thing. I had a secretary at my last work who came and belittled me on my first day, and continually did actions in front of the group that she thought would lower my status such as telling me to pick up a water bottle that dropped off my desk when I was consulting a team member. I did eventually crack it at her which was a mistake. However the lesson is... if you are the real shit, no body can take your status from you. So focus on your core skills - on how good you are at everything. I automated 3 people's jobs in the next week and the secretary was no longer undermining my status whatever she did. Another friend who has been ignoring me when I finally caught up with him, I asked him if he knew how much money I earned - his guess was 80% below my market price - many people have no idea who you are, what your values are, and how they should interact with you. They will show respect to people only when they think there is something in it for them. These types of people want the trappings of success yet weren't prepared to sacrifice when it mattered - this isn't to say they aren't smart, generally lazy ppl are quite intelligent, it's just that working hard and persisting is a better strategy in the long run than simply being smart. This is why these people aren't CEOs, and doing well in life, because you can only rise if you respect yourself enough to respect others, no matter who they are. Some of the smartest people I've met are secretaries, yet when I try to teach them something that don't want to learn.. I never understood, yet everyone is different and AI can respect that we all have different childhoods. I am a CEO of a cool organisation now - i started it. I walked down the business class boarding aisle to catch my last flight, and I usually wear pretty dressed down when I travel - the flight attendant told me to get into the queue with everybody else as she did not expect I was flying business by what i was wearing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I really love this article.
    My problem is that i think that my best friend is not like to talk with me anymore or she is just completing the formalities of talking with me.What can i do

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See how long it takes her to get in touch with you FIRST.

      Delete
  18. What a narcissistic article this is. There are people who don't reach out or may ignore calls etc for many reasons (they are introverts and don't need the stimulation you do, they may be extremely busy and overwhelmed to handle one more thing, they may be depressed or they may simply not have the need you do to chat and keep in touch). To expect another person to fill you up or entertain you and then to criticize that person for not meeting their needs is YOUR problem, not theirs.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, you're right.

      At some point, though, other people can -- and should -- decide to leave them to it.

      Delete
    2. I agree and disagree. I think it's a clear sign of disrespect if the lack of response is ongoing--if it's more of a habit or lifestyle for that person to respond to you by ignoring you repeatedly. If it happens from time to time then it I don't think it's a problem. I think it's all about understanding which circumstance is which. Just like if someone was being constantly called all the time by someone, a person would likely conclude it's harassment, if it's overkill. I think a person can apply the same principle if they're being ignored--is it happening to a degree that feels excessive.

      Delete
  19. I had an emotional melt down about a friends commitment to a group that she is leading. I've said I'm sorry, that I'm still not clear headed and that I don't know what to think about the current situation I find us in. I've said I feel vulnerable right now but want to remain friends. What is making this so painful is that I've texted and there is no response and I'm feeling overwhelmed and in grief, like I am a nothing to her and that this is punishment. I've said sorry and I truly am. How should I take her silence? Does she need space or am I being punished? I just don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I had an emotional melt down about a friends commitment to a group that she is leading. I've said I'm sorry, that I'm still not clear headed and that I don't know what to think about the current situation I find us in. I've said I feel vulnerable right now but want to remain friends. What is making this so painful is that I've texted and there is no response and I'm feeling overwhelmed and in grief, like I am a nothing to her and that this is punishment. I've said sorry and I truly am. How should I take her silence? Does she need space or am I being punished? I just don't know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would send her a handwritten card. You can't make her respond or feel how you may feel about her. Its time to move on if she refuses to respond. Who would want to be around someone like that anyway?

      Delete
    2. I would send her a handwritten card. You can't make her respond or feel how you may feel about her. Its time to move on if she refuses to respond. Who would want to be around someone like that anyway?

      Delete
  21. I invited a niece to a party, she was a no show, nor did she give me the courtesy of a call. She decided to ignore me. This was the icing on the cake with putting up with her nasty remarks at family gatherings through the years. I decided I had enough and blocked her off social media, deleted her phone number and let her know I was not putting up with her bad behavior. 3 years later and I haven't looked back. She sent me an email with a photo of her on my birthday. Maybe she misses me because the rest of her extended family ignores her also. You get what you ask for...

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  22. I invited a niece to a party, she was a no show, nor did she give me the courtesy of a call. She decided to ignore me. This was the icing on the cake with putting up with her nasty remarks at family gatherings through the years. I decided I had enough and blocked her off social media, deleted her phone number and let her know I was not putting up with her bad behavior. 3 years later and I haven't looked back. She sent me an email with a photo of her on my birthday. Maybe she misses me because the rest of her extended family ignores her also. You get what you ask for...

    ReplyDelete
  23. I thought this article was more about the following scenario: I tried to engage my colleague sitting next to me in a conversation at a staff party. She just looked my way and hear me but just ignored me. I repeated my general questions "How was your day today? Did you have .... ". She just looked at me but past me. Her friend then walked up and engaged her effortlessly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LIVE WITH someone who does that to me ALL THE TIME.

      My STEPdaughters do it to me all the time.

      One day I realized that it's not I who should be feeling ashamed, and I quit trying to engage anybody who DOESN'T KNOW HOW to respond.

      It's NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT you.

      Of course, you know to not try ever again with that particular colleague.

      Delete
  24. they all can go to hell. i dont care anymore. if they ignore me, i can do the same. go suck dick fcker. im so piss off.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have this friend with whom i have been open about how much I like her and what our f'ship means to me. I have also tole her number of times how much it upsets me when she does not talk to me. I have been doing everything to make our f'ship work. However, there has been no attempts from her end as yet. Now i completely relate to this article. I guess she has been manipulating me since ive always been loud about how much i care and like her. She ignores me like i do not exist and very well knows how much it pains me if she does that. I confronted her many a times but she repeats which make me think if im really worth this f'ship. But thanks for this article, i think i have to move on, i think she is game player and i need to play smarter.

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  26. This was a wonderful article. I found it very helpful! Thank you for this wonderful advice!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hi I was very friendly with someone I thought enjoyed my company and I was very open with her about everything and she me. Its like everything I told her about me she felt the same ...I said to her when I don't hear from someone for days/weeks I feel that they no longer like me....to that she said I feel the same. However all of a sudden she stopped ringing me and then walked straight past me when I didn't phone either. I felt sometimes that I was talking to me as everything I felt she felt too I found it quite annoying. However it really got to me after she walked past me with her head in the air yesterday and I couldn't believe I shouted out to her Stupid Bitch ...and without her looking at me said you too......how can I cope in an adult way with someone who I no longer want in my life who I may see regularly ...so it doesn't bother me without feeling hurt and want to pass a remark to her...

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    Replies
    1. Well you start by learning to filter that mouth of yours at all times. I can tell you are sorry you yelled at her, but once words are spoken you can never, ever take them back.

      The article seems to indicate "it's not your fault”, when in reality it may or may not be. But once you've pulled a stunt such as you did, you really need to take a quiet break to examine your own behavior, thinking through whether or not you might be responsible. Perhaps she saw this hostility in you and realised it's not a relationship she wants. Her response to you would indicate that. If you ever did such a thing to me, there would be no recovering from it. That’s a personal decision I made about verbally abusive relationships.

      What you don’t do is follow the lead of the garbage you see on those TV reality shows. They show the worst of human interactions and are not a good pattern for your own life. The sleazy entertainment is likely the source of so much bad behavior in society at large.

      In your situation, she's already out of your life as you put it. It's up to you how you handle the hurt. I'd suggest privately and let it go. Since she is someone you are going to see regularly, you're going to have to apologise for your mouth and have no expectations of reestablishing the relationship. Do it in writing. If the opportunity arises to talk with her, say you are sorry to her and then just be cordial when you do see one another. That's the adult way you handle situations when you have done damage.

      That said, it does hurt when someone you love deeply, as a friend, lover or family member, is indifferent. But you have no control over another person unless they give it to you. If they are worth knowing, they will not give you any control. How much effort you put into resurrecting a relationship depends on how long the relationship has lasted. You don’t necessarily walk away from a long time relationship. You work at those, but not so you can force things to go your way.

      Once you realise they are indifferent and after you have tried a rational approach to understand why (AND have not crossed that line that you crossed), and still the relationship languishes, you eventually have to move on and leave that relationship behind. But be sure you learn from it. That’s the value in this article. Look at the lists.

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    2. Wow it must have really gotten to you for you to react like that but I agree it was pretty childish we have all done things we regret in life and this will be one for you but for her to react to you means that there are feelings between the both of you. Maybe not very nice ones at the moment. You need to take the high road and say you are sorry. You don't need to bare your soul just apologise for being innapropriate and leave it at that. She will then have the opportunity to react if she wishes and I hope for your sake that she does in a polite manner and maybe you can sort out whatever it is that happened between you. An apology is always best when you have made a mistake especially one made in public. I wish you the best and hope whatever it is you can feel better about being around her.

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    3. thank you so much this is a great help to me

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  28. What would the protocol be if the person you are trying to ignore is a psychopath, seriously need an answer, this person keeps trying to make it seem like my fault I'm not responding! I feel threatened and she's supposed to be my best friend! She keeps asking for me to put her before my husband and children, that's a serious line crosser, there have been a hundred instances I can give to support this including threatening emails, texts and fb messages. I'm not asking to be criticized just need honest advice please.

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  29. There is a BIG difference between ignoring someone and setting boundaries with them. When someone crosses your boundaries you do need to say enough. Tell them you do not want to engage with them anymore and then do not respond when they don't respect your NO! That is not the controlling ignoring we are talking about here.

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  30. Lots of good input here, in the comments as well as the article. It's finally time for me to reassess my life. My husband has been doing this to me 2-3 times a year for the past 43 years. It doesn't sound like that often, but it corrodes my soul more each time. I know for a fact that I've never EVER done anything to deserve it, he just picks something he thinks I did (I usually didn't) and blows it up so that he can have the pleasure of doing this to me. It's cruel. As human beings, being shunned hurts--that's probably why groups of people use it as a form of punishment, right? Well let me tell ya, it's effective. Thank you everyone for helping me see that I'm not crazy or different.

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