Appreciate Yourself

Love Remains

Post by Sherrie Campbell, PhD

 

Life is the ebb and flow of gaining and losing. One always following the other. The stillness that is in the middle is love. Love is who and what we are at our very core and it is amazing how we can feel this love when we are gaining and our life is in positive momentum, but when we are losing we feel abandoned by this love. We feel it must have left our lives. It hasn't. It won't because it can't. All that can happen is we can accidentally disconnect from it. When life hits us with the unexpected it is natural to feel completely off center and out of balance, to feel alone and without love but that is just the mind's reaction to the loss because the love is still there waiting for you to plug in so it may guide and nurture you through your down time. We connect to this love by becoming aware of it. We can become aware of it by simply remembering it is there. If we seek it, it will seek us back. If we show that we trust it, it will show us our trust is precious. We can get through ANYTHING! All it takes is awareness. We are not more loved in our gaining times in life than we are in our losing times. The love within remains the same the only thing that changes is the mind's perception. We feel loved when successful and not loved when in failure...and yet when in failure that is when we seek love the most, it is when we grow the most and it is our most vulnerable place of connection. So if you are down...do not forget to seek the love within you..it never leaves.

Getting Your Needs Met

Everybody has needs. We all do. Each and every one of us has needs. The things we need are what make us human. We need attention, love, affirmation, direction, respect, encouragement--we need all sorts of things!!! If we were brought up in an unhealthy environment, we may have been taught that our needs are a burden, that we should be ashamed of our needs, or we might not even know what our needs are. This leaves us as a decoy for selfish people who are only focused on their own needs.
 
If you were not taught how to get your needs met in a healthy way, you may resort to indirect methods for getting your needs met, or you may refrain from getting your needs met at all, which is very painful. Without a clear understanding of who you are and what you need... without a clear understanding of your right to have needs, and your right to expect your needs to be met... without respectful modeling and self love and self respect, you will have a hard time filling the emptiness inside. We are created for relationship and without the proper connections, we dwindle like a plant without water. If we are out-of-touch with our needs, we die on the vine.

Getting your needs met as an adult is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Some people are entitled. They think everybody else was put on earth to meet their needs for them. They take no responsibility for their own needs and blame anyone near for their issues. Others are "needless and wantless." They have been conditioned to not have any needs at all. These people may feel like a victim who is constantly being abused and martyred. The best way to be is healthy, self-nurturing. It's best to know who you are, know your needs, be confident to make your needs known, and strong enough to walk away or distance yourself from those who are incapable of meeting your needs in reciprocal fashion. You need the water of connection, friendship, relationship to be a healthy, whole, fulfilled person.

Many of your needs can only be met in relationship, but it is up to you to foster relationships which are capable of meeting your needs. Relationships that are unequal, one-sided or abusive will not do the trick. If you want to be fulfilled and happy, you must cultivate relationships with people who are capable of filling your emotional cup and respecting you, even as you do the same for them.

Some people in life are selfish and only focused on their own needs. These people will exploit others by focusing the attention of the relationship on them and by ignoring your needs. Really crafty people who are seriously toxic may even ignore your needs, steal all the attention and then blame you for being selfish. Imagine that! These people are out there. Beware.

The point is that you have a right to your needs and you have a right to expect your needs to be met. That doesn't mean that people should always cater to your every whim and pay attention to you whenever you beckon. I'm not saying that! Everyone has their own decisions to make about what they can do for other people. What I am saying is that you don't want to be in a relationship with a blood sucker who just wants to exploit you by stealing your time, energy, emotions and thoughts without giving you anything in return.

You deserve to be considered. You deserve a reciprocal relationship. You have the right to express what you want, and the right to expect that your needs will be reasonably met in a relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your needs or pretend not to need anything in order to win the approval of others--that is murderous to your own soul! You shouldn't be so bent on pleasing another person that you swallow your own values and mold yourself into the shape of their liking. This is like walking to the gallows. Don't allow yourself to be hanged in the name of acceptance.

If you are confident to let your friend, lover, spouse or employer know what your needs are, then you are doing the right thing. Just be sure to recognize that not everyone is capable of treating you with respect and honoring your humanity, and therefore your needs. Some people will try to invalidate you by ignoring your needs and putting their own needs up front. You don't ever want to be in the position where you want or need another person in your life so much that you're willing to deny your own needs. This is the equivalent of losing yourself and disappearing.

Some people will walk away from you if you choose to honor your own need to have needs. Those who are insensitive to others may not even like you expressing what you need. Don't let them hurt you. As you love yourself more and begin to gain confidence in expressing your needs and realizing that your needs are valid and you are deserving of an equal relationship, you will lose a few people along the way. Some people will not like that you are a whole person who is full of self love. Let them walk. Let them go. You are more important than any person who thinks you're not.

Don't ever be afraid to ask. It's your right to have needs and to expect your needs be reasonably met. Anyone who walks away from you for asking is not someone you want in your life anyway. Someone who refuses to meet your needs is implying that they are more important--that their needs come first. Don't put up with that! Stick with people who honor your needs and understand reciprocity and know how to relate on a mature, healthy level. Surround yourself with great people who see your value, treat you with dignity and make room for your expressions and your needs. You are SO worth it!

Boundaries Are Your Dignity

Relationship Tip #28 - Is Your Date a Player? Is he just looking for sex?

Relationship Tip #28 - Is Your Date a Player? Is he just looking for sex?

By Carolyn Bushong

1. Does he say he's just looking for a friend or a good time or a casual date?
   Interpretation: Often he means: "I don't want a relationship, just casual sex." Tell him you that being friends first is great, but ultimately you want a long-term relationship, & that if he doesn't you don't really want to go out with him.
2. Is he too focused on you physically (your description or full body shot if online)?
   Interpretation: He can't see past that & isn't really interested in anything else. Tell him you agree that there needs to be honesty about looks, but that he seems a little too focused on that for you.
3. Does he use racy language or want to share sexual histories or want to know what turns you on in bed.
   Interpretation: Someone who talks about sex wants to have sex and is testing you to see how comfortable you are with the come-ons. If you allow it, he will assume that it will happen soon.
4. Does he suggest you watch a movie at his house or yours?
   Interpretation: "Forget the getting to know each other part, let's get on with it!" Let him know that coming to his place seems inappropriate at this stage of the game and that dinner and drinks (each driving their own car) sounds much better.
5. Does he ask you to meet him late at night (after 9pm)?
   Interpretation: "Let's skip the dinner and drinks and get to the good and inexpensive part of the date." Just say no and say you'd rather get together when you can meet after work or at least by 7pm.
6. Does he call and try to get together last minute?
   Interpretation: He's disrespectful of your time, self-involved, and probably horny. Just say, "Sorry, but I could make plans with you for a different night, but I need to know ahead of time. Shall we plan something now for later?"
7. Does he look you in the eye, or at your chest and/or other body parts?
   Interpretation: He knows what he wants, and it's not romance. Just see this as a clue and try to direct him to any topic except sex.
8. Does he try to rush it, wanting to get together before you've had a chance to talk on the phone and get to know each other? Does he want to get together several nights in a row or spend a long weekend together?
   Interpretation: He's impatient and thinks, "Let's get to know each other quickly so we can get to the important part." Let him know you want to take it slow, meeting once and waiting a week or so to get together again

A PLAYER is someone who is in the game because he loves the game of "conquest." When dealing with a player, be sure you don't play along. Don't let him rush you, or be suggestive, or act inappropriately, as he will take advantage of the situation and you will end up angry at yourself that you fell for it. It being that he was very interested in you, not just in the sex. Taking it slow is the only way to be sure he's not a player!

The Path

~ Zdravko Stefanovic

www.consciousness-evolution.org

In these modern times, there is a constant pressure on people on how we would like that the world and humans in our surroundings perceive us. Who we are. How we are. We would so eagerly like to find our place, or rather, give ourselves a place in today’s messy and stressful everyday environment. Most of us don’t succeed as often as we wish we did. People, who feel lost in today’s society and who can end up using almost any method to get their voice heard.

It’s alright to get lost. It’s alright to stumble upon an intersecton and wander straight into a cul-de-sac. How would you otherwise know what road to take? Go back to the intersection. Take another direction. Follow it and see where life leads you. Life presents itself in so many ways that some of us don’t know how to handle it, but from mistakes grows experience. From experience grows self-confidence and self-awareness.

With these two variables we can ramble on life’s path and expand its value. On this path you might fall, slip, stumble or stay still, but the instinctive problem solving ability of humans is that which makes a man grow. Deep, down inside ourselves, we know what should be done.

Only when you wander this path and are ready to leave it behind and walk into another one, have you naturally so shown your place in this world. It comes from just being. Don’t try and see yourself in the mirror too often and see that this is what I want the world to see. The risk is that you get stuck in your own mirror image and remain there in an undeveloped state. Let not yourself be your mirror image, let your mirror image be yourself.

~ Zdravko Stefanovic

www.consciousness-evolution.org

The Healing Power of Grief

So often we don't want to deal with our emotions. Maybe we think it's weak, or perhaps we're busy with our lives so our heavy emotions are never processed, but rather, tucked away and hidden in the crevices of our hearts. We hope such anger, resentment, bitterness, pain and sorrow never shows up again. We place so much emphasis on always feeling good, that we hide, deny and repress negative feelings, much to our detriment. In order to experience freedom, joy and contentment in our lives, we must learn to face our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. Every part of our experience has something to teach us.

One emotion that is in ample supply when you are lacking self-love is grief. What is grief? Grief is the sorrow felt from the loss of love. If you are experiencing feelings of low worth or low self esteem, then you can bet that you have unresolved grief locked up in your heart. That's because somewhere along the way you needed unconditional love, but instead you were denied, rejected or cast away for whatever reason. Today you may be repeating that pattern within your own psyche, injuring yourself repeatedly with negative self-talk, some of which you may not even be conscious...

The reasons are not as important as understanding that any wounds you've ever experienced in your life must be healed or else you'll walk around reacting to it in your present day-to-day environment. Your old emotional wounds can be triggered from seemingly benign instances. You may overreact and then blame yourself for your own ineptitude. This is why it's important to face the pain in your heart that is blocking your vision of your true self--the only part of you that can give and receive true love to you and others. And stop blaming yourself while you're at it. Practice self compassion.

Back to grief. Grief is the by-product of the loss of love. When we love someone and we lose that person--this includes ourselves--grief is what remains. If we've had that grief our whole lives, we may not even know that the pain we feel is grief, and we may not know why we're grieving. People who suffer from depression are often bundles of unresolved grief, but they can't access it because they hate themselves too much to go inside and dig around.

Grieving has a distinct feeling in your heart. You need to learn yourself to the extent that you can tell when you're grieving, when your angry, sad, mad, happy, content. You must know yourself if you are to love yourself. See if you can learn what grieving feels like in your heart... be mindful. Think about how you feel inside when you are grieved, your muscle tightness, breathing patterns, thought patterns--you may find the feeling in interesting places... This may bring insight that helps you find pockets of grief that need releasing.

Grieving is the key to healing... very similar to tears. Tears are a chemical compound that actually wash your eyes, and flushes toxins out of your body. Likewise grief. Grief, that is, the emotional processing of loss, is cathartic and restorative. If you can discover that which needs to be resolved, and what losses from your childhood (or past) need to be processed, you can experience a monumental healing experience and awaken parts of you that you never knew existed.

You want to lean into the pain and face it rather than run away and hide. Only when you go through the pain can you learn what it has to teach and heal from life's hurts. If you want to grow and expand your awareness and experience fulness and freedom, then you will need to move beyond the pain. You must grieve your losses and face your shadows. Only when you're brave enough to delve into your pain will you be given the gift of insight and emotional maturity.

Unresolved grief is painful. This means you've never faced the loss and the pain never goes away. Unresolved grief stands in the way of your self-perception, blocking you from seeing and understanding what's really happening inside. Unresolved grief keeps you from loving yourself because it blocks you from yourself so you can't see the beauty that you are. This is why it's so important to dig deep and face whatever hurts us--beneath the pain of grief is the beauty that is you. Go ahead and release yourself to grieve... it's like a good cry for the injustice of life. Ahhhhhhh...

The Beauty of Anger

Anger is a useful tool. It's purpose is to show us when we're being violated. To remove anger is to remove a piece of who you are, to deny or abandon the protective layer of yourself. Learning to wisely guide your anger is key. I've denied mine for years and since grown to a place of embracing it, processing it and funneling it into healthy assertion. Healthy childhood development takes rage and turns it into backbone. 

 It's the un-faced anger we need to be afraid of; like mismatched telephone wires, it misfires sending messages askew. Unprocessed anger that we pretend we don't have is the root of negativity and physical illness. However, if we are in touch with ourselves and in tune with the nuances of our emotions, anger serves as a corrective mechanism, much as the missile corrects to target. 

We need the whole range of human experience to function appropriately and moderately. Dismissing anger is dismissing truth and denying self--like yin and yang. You must embrace the fulness of the good and the bad, using the force of it to propel you higher. Anger is a useful tool that is an invaluable resource in the repertoire of a healed, mature soul.

~ J. Ryan

Stop Judging Yourself

Self Judgment blinds the truth and magnifies weakness. Inner criticism promises protection, but keeps you from the healing waters of compassion. When will you let go of what you think you should be and accept the beauty of who you are?

Who is it that's judging? Who is it that's being judged? Who makes the rules? Who decides what's best for you? These questions need to be answered. Abolish the critic inside of your mind and release the compassionate guide, inner-parent, and allow God to be the lover of your soul.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Give yourself with the compassion as you would someone you love--some of us treat our own selves as an enemy. Release yourself from the restrictions of perfection. You will soar ever higher without criticism weighing you down.

You Are Good

 

You are good. You are okay. You are accepted. You are loved. You are good. You are wanted. You are precious. You are enough. You are confirmed. You are good. You are approved. You are wanted. You are valuable. You are right. You are worthy. You are good. You are deserving. You are capable. You are competent. You are rocking it. You don't need any extra adjectives. You are GOOD just the way you are.

 

Overcompensating

Overcompensation is when you feel deficit in your own being, so you try to make up for it by going overboard to please others. This behavior is conditioned from childhood. If you think you are unworthy, you will naturally try to even the scales by constantly, impulsively and sometimes obsessively trying to DO more and BE more. There is nothing wrong with trying to be the best that you can be, but there is a problem when you do more than your fair share in your relationships.

When you overcompensate, you give a huge unconscious (and sometimes conscious) signal that you feel worth-less than the other person. This issue comes out when you try to prove yourself by bragging on your accomplishments, or try to do too many favors for others, or try to get worth in material items like money, career or gadgets. Overcompensation is the process of trying to ADD TO who you are so that you will be ENOUGH. Unfortunately, this is the recipe for failure in relationships. People can sense how you feel about yourself and you will be exploited and harmed.

Ways to Overcompensate

• Take the blame for everything in a relationship.
• Do too many favors for someone without reciprocation.
• Try to add to yourself with material things.
• Apologize all the time. 
• Smile at every person you see. (Some people feel obligated to be nice, even when they don't feel it)
• Loan someone money and later resent it.
• Make promises that you can't keep.
• Allow someone to treat you like a doormat.
• Fail to set boundaries for abusive behavior. 
• Fail to ask for help when you need it. 
• Compromising your values to fit in.
• Tolerating disrespect.

Overcompensating occurs when you have an External Locus of Control, meaning that you base your value on the opinions of others. This is the tool of the FALSE SELF trying to make you equal with the rest of the world. Sad, because you're already EQUAL. All the work you're doing extra to be worthy is unnecessary. You can never add one thing to who you are from the outside.

The fact is, you are enough just as you are. You don't need--nor is it possible--to add anything else to who you are! You are plenty! You are full, complete and whole, whether you realize it or not.

Beware of Repressed Emotional Hurt

Another thing about overcompensating in life is that one way or another, you will sense the injustice. You're giving, giving, giving, trying to get love, and you're getting nothing in return. One day, perhaps in a big, blown-up way, you're gonna explode. You may not show your anger in appropriate ways. You may yell at your dog or your husband or your best friend, or do something passive aggressive even--the fact is, you must reconcile the injustice that you're allowing to occur in your emotional landscape. Stuff has a tendency to come out in bizarre ways. You will be asking yourself, "Why am I so mad? All he did was burn the toast, I'm acting like he stole my wallet!" It's important to maintain emotional and relational equality so as to prevent whack emotional outbursts. One way or another, stuff comes out.

Ways to Stop Overcompensating

• Admit the tendency to go overboard to make other people like you.
• Catch yourself when you notice you are doing too much out of obligation.
• Stop allowing self-judgment (which means that you're putting yourself down).
• Get to know who you are, your values and your strengths and feelings.
• Take time to appreciate yourself as a person. 
• Surround yourself with people who love and encourage you.
• Ask yourself why you overcompensate. What started this process?
• Keep working to build up your sense of self-worth and self esteem.
• Read great blogs like SelfLoveU! (Shameless Plug)

 When you do too much in a relationship, you leave little room for love. Sadly, the one who feels worthless needs love more than anyone, but in trying to GET love, it slips through their hands. Why? Because love is not gotten. Love already is. If you don't know you ARE LOVE, then you will never ever get it. You must love yourself first.

It's amazing how life works. If you will step back and stop trying so hard, you may be uncomfortable for a moment, but soon the clouds will go away and you'll see the sunshine coming through. Stepping back from your constant striving to be enough will leave room for those who have love to share with you to come to you freely. Relaxing and enjoying who you are in the present moment will position you to experience deep love and connection with the entire human race. Quit working to be something that you already are. You're equal. You're equal. You're equal.

Boundaries: Willing to Walk Away

A boundary can only be set once you are free from the fear of abandonment and rejection. This means that you must have a safe cushion of self love around yourself in order to remain calm and connected within your own heart, which is your truth. If you stick with yourself--rather than abandoning yourself--then you can withstand the arrows that inevitably come when you must stand up for yourself by setting a boundary. The truth is, as an adult, you cannot be abandoned. You have the ability to care for yourself, whether you realize it yet or not.

If you are more afraid of rejection, and more fearful of abandonment than you are of maintaining your dignity, then you will not set boundaries. Setting a boundary is drawing a line between you and another person. It is feeling comfortable expressing how you feel about the actions or inaction of another person. It's about sharing your truth, even if your truth is uncomfortable or inconvenient for the other person. It's about sharing your truth and setting limits on others, even at the risk of losing the relationship, if that's what it takes. If the other person refuses to abide by your limits, you must be willing to walk away--from anyone at any time. You must feel confident in your ability to make it on your own.

J. Ryan


Why Some Boundaries Don't Hold Up for Newbies

Your Silent Space

 

“Victory is won not in miles but in inches.
Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.”

 Louis L'Amour (American writer, best-selling author, 1908-1988)

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.  

~W.C. Fields

If you really put a small value upon yourself, 

rest assured that the world will not raise your price.  

~Author Unknown
 

We Don't Need to Be More

By: Sherrie Campbell, PhD

We don't need to be more. We often feel that to get love we have be more. Be more of what? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you noticed that the more you chase people and try and force them to love you that all they do is become more distant from you. It is important that we understand that those who constantly seek love from others only find their lovelessness. Those who ARE love and loving as people never have to seek it for they always have it. 

 

If you have to chase someone for their love, or you have to go out and get caught up in seeking their approval by saying "look at me...look at what a good girlfriend/boyfriend I am, or look at what a good mom or dad I am , or look at what a good friend I am, or look at what a good employee I am" you will end up in an even lower place. 

 

Why is it that we are so caught up in having the approval of other people? Are we any less of a person if we do not have their approval? Is our worth dependent upon others? If we realize that we are not separate from love then we do not have to do anything to get it. Love yourself. That is where you need to start when it comes to love. 

 

Dark people are always going to be out there trying to let you know you are not enough and the only way they will have any power is if you believe that you are not loveable. If you know you are love and you know that you shine and that you come from love then no one will have the power to dim your light. 

 

You do not need to be more. You do not need to do anything to get love because you are love. You do not need to try so hard. All you need to remember is your most original state was love, it has never left, you just have to remember that and love yourself..

Life is a Mirror

Boundaries of Worth

 "My boundary is drawn in my heart. It comes from the knowledge of my own worth." Darlene Ouimet

Be Who You Really Are

Really! Be who you REALLY are, this includes all the goodness that is a part of you. What parts of you are great that you try to hide to make others feel more comfortable? Those cool parts of you that you stifle and sabotage in order to gain acceptance of those around you. What parts do you restrain out of habit or conditioning? Those are the parts that must come to the surface. Be brave and share the BEST of who you are with the world. Don't be afraid to shine.

MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE IN UNDER 100 WORDS...

When you already have greatness inside yourself, you don't need to find it outside. You can bring that which is the fullness of your heart to your friendships, relationships and all you encounter. Loving others is an art, loving yourself is a gift you give yourself that predicates your love for others and hence, their love of you. Staying rooted and grounded in reality--fearless of the consequence--is the mark of a mature soul. Tapping into the life within your own heart is the secret to attraction and fulfillment. Humility, self respect, wonder and enthusiasm are worth more than gold bullion. Vision, insight and willingness are like stars in an otherwise dark sky. Knowing who you are, on a path to discovery and deeper connection with God, the Universe and others is essential to fulfillment. Self efficacy and relational effectiveness, though offering the challenges of Everest, are the ultimate rewards on the mountaintop of destiny.

~ Jenna Ryan | Aug. 10, 2013

Who Should You Trust? By Natalie Lue

Here are some great articles about Trust from Ms Natalie Lue. I love her writings, they always hit me right in the center of the nose.

The Circle of Trust 
Do you know who’s in yours & why? Are you even inside your own circle?

I love this piece that Natalie did. I have 100s of such diagrams that I created with marker. Maybe I will get a little more fancy some day... 

"If you put others before you it means that you're either outside of your own circle or that you're in it but not in the centre - that is a big problem. Remember that when you neglect you, any 'ole body can come along with a crumb and between you and this person it will be inflated into a loaf because it will appear to be more than you're already giving to you." ~ Nat Lue

“Help! I’m scared of trusting!” Relax! There’s no need to be so ‘tight’ with trust!

Debit and Credit Trust System   

"You need to address your own relationship with you first because I’m yet to come across anybody who distrusts themselves that’s able to healthily trust others. They either trust blindly and do the equivalent of handing themselves over lock and key to a stranger and jumping into a pool of sharks or they struggle to trust and don’t seem to be able to differentiate between fear and knowledge or internal fear VS external fear."

"Learning how to trust others and use your judgement also means that you need to clear out all of the blame you’ve been taking on because when you tend to engage in the It’s All About Me and One False Move mentalities, you tend to gauge a situation and find a way to make you at fault for it. This makes it very difficult to trust because you’re hardly going to want to add more problems to your ever increasing list of crimes you haven’t actually committed."

"From when you meet a person on day zero, they begin to unfold. Anything you think they are initially is an impression, not who they are, because who someone is, is based on experience of them. They’ll either live up to or even exceed this impression… or miss it. That’s nothing to be afraid of because dating or just getting to know any person is a discovery phase that irrespective of the outcome, it’s an experience that can enrich or help you in some way. As long as you’re not expecting to instantly know someone or to ‘know’ them without actually truly knowing them, or claiming to ‘know’ them based on superficial BS, what you will be expecting is that it will take time before you’re going to get to know someone so you won’t have unrealistic expectations or be surprised by information that was always there but ignored. If you trust you to do your due diligence and not live in la-la land, anything that does come your way, you’ll handle it. Believe you."

 

Law of Existence

By Dr. Margaret Paul

The basic law of our existence is that we each have free will. In each moment we get to choose our intent - who we want to be: loving or unloving, open or closed, learning or protected, in surrender to Spirit or attempting to control. If you do not embrace your free will, you will feel like a victim. Today, notice your intent and who you choose to be, moment by moment.

Who do you choose to be most of the time?

---

What do you do to avoid rejection? Try and be perfect and do everything right? Keep quiet so as not to look stupid? Talk too much to control attention? Today, instead of worrying about being rejected by others, notice how you may be rejecting yourself.

Do you reject yourself with your self-judgments and ignoring your feelings with various addictions?

---

Others loving you is the icing on the cake, but loving yourself is the cake. Without loving yourself, there is nowhere for the icing to go.

 

Taking the Leap from False Love to Real Love

Just as there is such a thing as a real self and a false self, there is real love and false love. Your real self is who you really are, without any molding your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to earn love. Your real self is spontaneous, alive and vibrant. A false self is created when you're focus is outside of yourself. When you're living for the approval of others, changing to be what you think others want you to be; not being true to you, rigid and false.

Real love is when you love without control, when your aim is giving instead of taking, unconditional. Real love is when you're accepted just as you are, imperfections and all. False love is when you desire make others love you, to control their thoughts, to be perfect enough to earn love and to be found worthy.

If you live from a false self, which is rooted in perfectionism and people pleasing, all you can do is take from others. The false self has nothing to offer but false love. What a sad place to be! You fear losing the approval of others because you wrongly believe your worth is wrapped up in what others think.

Living from your real self, which is rooted in unconditional acceptance, you're not afraid to lose the love of others because your self worth does not depend on any outside source. You do not engage in people pleasing behaviors because you have confidence in your own worth. You are rooted in grounded within your own heart. You trust your own voice and know that you are worthwhile. You are able to share this real love with others in your life out of the abundance of what is already inside of you.

You don't have to change who you are in order to be loved.
You are lovable just as you are...
Your expressions are uniquely you, and you are fine the way you are.
You are beautiful inside and out.
You are enough.
You don't have to add on to you anything else.
You don't have to overcompensate.
You are not deficit.
You are abundantly abundant, a radiant light of truth.
You are okay.

You don't need people in your life who try to change you.
You don't need people in your life who convey that who you are is not enough.
You don't need people in your life to watch your performance.
You don't need anyone who loves you falsely.
You don't need anyone who places conditions on you for acceptance.

Practice being who you really are.

Get out of your comfort zone and express your truth and share your reality. Go against the grain of who and how everyone around you--including society--prefers that you be. Be you--really BE YOU. It may be scary at first. You will get better with practice.

Center yourself inside. Get to know who you really are and how you really feel. Take your energy ad focus inside instead of outside. They can never do for you what you need done. You are in charge of determining your own worth, peace, happiness and joy. Get to know your heart. Give yourself the attention you deserve. Begin to accept yourself for who you are and express yourself openly. Make a pact with yourself that you will no longer adapt to earn love. You are lovely and wanted. You have what it takes.

Taking the leap from your false self to your real self, and to real love from false love is a giant process. It requires discipline and persistence. It hurts sometimes. Not everyone accepts you and that can be painful. But you don't need them anyway. If you are not loved for who you are, then you're not loved at all. Don't worry, you grow stronger as you take risks, letting your real self shine though little-by-little. Give yourself a break.

You will make mistakes along the way... You may deny your real self since that's what you've been trained to do. (At least you're noticing!) You may become confused as to what is the real you and what is not you... It takes work to untangle your feelings. You may not even know yet where you stop and they begin. It takes courage to face the original pain that caused you to build a false self in the beginning. Do not give up! Keep fighting! Keep digging out of the hole. Your real self is down there, deep inside... Let it out! Let yourself SHINE!

Learn to bare with the pain and not run away. You will not die. Every time you face your fears of losing love for being who you are, and you choose your own side, you grow stronger.

You are worthy of love just the way you are, flaws and all. Set boundaries around yourself with others that honor your unique self. Remove people from your life who expect you to be perfect. Set boundaries with those operating from a false self and giving you false love. Break the pattern of performance. Love yourself for who you are and require that others do the same.

Be mindful of what you're giving and receiving. Take notes of your thoughts. Keep a journal. Find supporters. Read books. Peruse blogs. Commit to finding out and expressing who you truly are...

This is the essence of Self Love. You had it in you all along. ❤

Lately...

Jenna Ryan Loves You!!! XO

What I've been learning lately: If you are filled with love and positive things, if your heart swells with love for this life, even the mundane, and you look up instead of down and face all that makes you frown, then you will have the right vibe and that energy will set you up for the next amazing thing that you have to learn... Growth is on its way, success is on its way and everything good that you ever dreamed possible is right on the other side of your willingness to release the past, forgive yourself, see the best in others and keep expecting amazing... It's all in your grasp. Better than you ever dreamed possible.

What is Your Value?

What is your value? How do you rate yourself in the scheme of things? How do you positioned YOURSELF in light of all the distractions and matters to which you must attend? Where are YOU in the equation? How do you fare? Are you at the bottom of your own mental list? Do you fluctuate depending on your mood? Are you knocked down when imperfections surface? Do you exist at all?

This is the question to ask.

There are schools of thought that would argue against self-ranking altogether, and I must admit, there is some merit in that. However, when it comes down to day-to-day living, there is a need to put priorities on everything. You, your needs, the needs of others, the needs of your family, society, the world. In determining which needs come first, you must somehow rank--despite what people say the negative aspects of ranking bring. At the end of the day, you only have so much life, so much time.

When it comes to you, what is your value?

Are you like a rock that can easily be passed by; is it easy to not notice you, or are you like a beautiful diamond that makes cars come to a screeching halt in order to gaze upon your beauty? I'm not asking from an external prospective. I'm not talking about your physicality. I'm talking about you, how you see you and how you treat you.

We are conditioned as children how to see ourselves. If our caretakers relished in our presence, honored our existence, made time for us, paid attention to us, showered us with love and affection, then we would have a healthy appreciation for ourselves today. This appreciation would be solid, not fluctuating, and would be sound. We would be able to forgive ourselves our weaknesses and shortcomings, knowing that love is not lost when we are human.

If, on the other hand, we were not appreciated, not loved, not cherished, not treasured in childhood, but, treated as a nuisance or burden, headache or mistake, then we will not have a very good opinion of our value as adults. How we are, how we feel about ourselves as adults, how we function in relationships, how we do what we do, all has roots in childhood. We were either loved and valued, or we were left wanting, needing and longing for validation.

In growing beyond the past into the light of our own self love, it is necessary to reparent ourselves; we must remind ourselves, tell ourselves that we are worthwhile, loved and appreciated. We must replace the negative messages going through our minds with positive, affirming, life-giving kindness that emanates from our own souls. We must get to a place where we can honestly meet our own needs and encourage the broken places inside our own hearts that never heard the truth. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Jenna Ryan 2013