Thursday, September 12, 2013

It's Nothing Personal

It is not your fault when someone treats you badly. If someone rejects you, dishonors you, ignores you, yells at you, abuses you, abandons you or puts you down it has NOTHING to do with you.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

― Ana├»s Nin

If you have a wounded heart, you may have a tendency to put people on pedestals, to idealize them and feel as though they're better than you. You may also try to get other people to fill in the blank spaces of your life, to give you worth where you feel like you have none. Then, when your "idol" devalues you or refuses to reciprocate your affection, you take it personally thinking that it's your fault he or she isn't good to you. You feel like you're bad and worthless just because the one you idolize isn't treating you right.

This simply is not true!

We are our reality, it's all a projection from within, so we see things as we are. What we don't like in us we will project in others in order to criticize them, to reject them, instead of dealing with it within us, but until we do it, we will not really know ourselves.
~ Paulo Renato ~

Healthy people with high self esteem are generally good to others. They don't go around devaluing people, they are open not closed, accepting and not rejecting. When you encounter someone who is selfish, rude and grandiose, it is not your fault. It does not mean you deserve it. You can't help the fact that she is a jerk! You can't control people that much!  Rude people exist. Hurting people hurt people. Just because you come across a hurting person who treats you badly and breaks your heart doesn't mean that you deserve it.
  • It has nothing to do with your forehead wrinkles.
  • It has nothing to do with your unkempt car.
  • It has nothing to do with your muffin top.
  • It has nothing to do with the fact that you're older.
  • It has nothing to do with your style.
  • It has nothing to do with your weight.
  • It has nothing to do with your freckles.
So often when we are rejected or hurt by another, we think it's something specific in us that is unlovable. We think (hopefully we snap out of it fast) that we need to mold ourselves into being what the hurtful person needs so as to be found worthy in their eyes. If we are found worthy by this person we idealize, then we mistakenly think we'll be worthy ourselves. Maybe if we go on a diet, do more yoga, wear higher heels, maybe then he will love me, be nice to me and see how valuable I am.


Not only do we take it personally by thinking we are inherently flawed, but we also try to control the other person's perception of who we are by changing ourselves to suit what we think they want. This is the ultimate betrayal of self. You give yourself away and abandon who you are when you try to control others by changing into what you think they want you to be.

READ MY LIPS: It's not personal! It is not your fault. You're not too fat because someone doesn't love you. You're not rejected because you have a beer belly. Even if someone says that to you, the problem is inside their own heart, and they're just using superficial reasons as justification to abuse you. Trying to change yourself to make another person start treating you right is overstepping your boundaries. It simply cannot be done. You don't have that much power.

All you control is what's in YOUR DOMAIN. You can influence another person, but ultimately, people do not change unless they see the light and decide to change. Trying to change and control others is a huge reason for sadness and dismay. We need to spend more time tending to ourselves and controlling our own reactions. We need boundaries between what we feel we are responsible for in relation to others. We are responsible only for ourselves.

If you encounter a person with a character flaw, someone who puts you down, abuses you, withdraws or refuses to reciprocate the relationship on equal ground, this is not your fault. Not everyone is capable of a mature, equal and fulfilling relationship. Instead of taking it personally, face reality. Realize that what other people do and how they treat you is a reflection on them--not you.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this wonderful blog post. I really needed this as I feel abandoned, ignored, lied to, and not cherished by someone I love. I am a beautiful amazing and talented woman. Tired of feeling that I have to explain everything about myself while be judged so harshly and then ignored. "Not everyone is capable of a mature, equal and fulfilling relationship" is so true. I see and know all my friends faults, strengths, etc and love him in a mature manner...He needs time to grow and experience and mature, ..and I need to accept he may never "see" me as I see him. He is right...I deserve someone who is mature and it isn't my fault or flaw or weakness that he does what he does. I pray for him and pray for me to show up big in my life and be all that I am. Thank you for inspiring me today!!!