Unconditional Self Love Melts Toxic Shame

This post is a collection of musings from my posts in my private Facebook group: SelfLoveU. 

Codependency is the absence of unconditional love and acceptance for self, an illness causing one to be dependent on external sources of approval in order to conditionally love oneself. This leads to people pleasing, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, addiction to sources of betrayal, etc... It is the seeking of external conditions to solve the riddle outside oneself, a riddle that can only be solved within by the power of unconditional self love. You are okay just as you are. It is okay to be human. It is okay to make mistakes. Unconditional love is the core of your beingness waiting patiently for you to own it.

Toxic energy that is pent up inside is released when it is confronted with unconditional love. Toxic shame is bred in conditional love, causing one to see flaws in self as life threatening (childlike thinking patterns). This birthing brings forth the false self, which is toxic shame and the root of codependency. The false self is built on lies. The false self is based on thinking patterns that cause one to try to earn worth, love, value by being right in the eyes of others. When this liar (the Inner Critic) is confronted with the truth--that you are loved in spite of your humanity, the false self fades. Unconditional love towards the self in your thought processes sets your authentic self free. You can relax, trust and let go.

It is self love to protect yourself with boundaries. Unconditional love does not imply open borders. Only by setting firm, but flexible boundaries can you protect the truth that is inside and love yourself unconditionally (align with source withing) and love others without judgment (as much as humanly possible). None are perfect, but all are loved is the ideal. That is the essence of unconditional love, that is, loving despite imperfections... it is not the allowing of boundary violations (which is unloving towards self).

Comparison is bred in conditional self hatred. Thinking you are better or less than others is toxic shame. Seeing yourself as equal, without volatile worth when outsiders are impressed or pleased, will soothe the inner conditions you set in effort to earn externally what can only come from inside.

You Already Are...

YOU ALREADY ARE the person it takes to achieve your goals. You just need to remove everything in your mind that tells you your not. Remove all resistance. Remove all doubt. Stop thinking habitual thoughts of failure. Allow your brilliant self to shine. Allow your Higher Self to align with truth. Allow yourself to receive the blessings. Get out of your own way. Visualize yourself as you truly are--a baller, shot-caller, today, this moment, right NOW.

It's Nothing Personal

It is not your fault when someone treats you badly. If someone rejects you, dishonors you, ignores you, yells at you, abuses you, abandons you or puts you down it has NOTHING to do with you.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

― Anaïs Nin

If you have a wounded heart, you may have a tendency to put people on pedestals, to idealize them and feel as though they're better than you. You may also try to get other people to fill in the blank spaces of your life, to give you worth where you feel like you have none. Then, when your "idol" devalues you or refuses to reciprocate your affection, you take it personally thinking that it's your fault he or she isn't good to you. You feel like you're bad and worthless just because the one you idolize isn't treating you right.

This simply is not true!

We are our reality, it's all a projection from within, so we see things as we are. What we don't like in us we will project in others in order to criticize them, to reject them, instead of dealing with it within us, but until we do it, we will not really know ourselves.

~ Paulo Renato ~

Healthy people with high self esteem are generally good to others. They don't go around devaluing people, they are open not closed, accepting and not rejecting. When you encounter someone who is selfish, rude and grandiose, it is not your fault. It does not mean you deserve it. You can't help the fact that she is a jerk! You can't control people that much!  Rude people exist. Hurting people hurt people. Just because you come across a hurting person who treats you badly and breaks your heart doesn't mean that you deserve it.

• It has nothing to do with your forehead wrinkles.
• It has nothing to do with your unkempt car.
• It has nothing to do with your muffin top.
• It has nothing to do with the fact that you're older.
• It has nothing to do with your style.
• It has nothing to do with your weight.
• It has nothing to do with your freckles.

So often when we are rejected or hurt by another, we think it's something specific in us that is unlovable. We think (hopefully we snap out of it fast) that we need to mold ourselves into being what the hurtful person needs so as to be found worthy in their eyes. If we are found worthy by this person we idealize, then we mistakenly think we'll be worthy ourselves. Maybe if we go on a diet, do more yoga, wear higher heels, maybe then he will love me, be nice to me and see how valuable I am.

Hogwash!

Not only do we take it personally by thinking we are inherently flawed, but we also try to control the other person's perception of who we are by changing ourselves to suit what we think they want. This is the ultimate betrayal of self. You give yourself away and abandon who you are when you try to control others by changing into what you think they want you to be.

READ MY LIPS: It's not personal! It is not your fault. You're not too fat because someone doesn't love you. You're not rejected because you have a beer belly. Even if someone says that to you, the problem is inside their own heart, and they're just using superficial reasons as justification to abuse you. Trying to change yourself to make another person start treating you right is overstepping your boundaries. It simply cannot be done. You don't have that much power.

All you control is what's in YOUR DOMAIN. You can influence another person, but ultimately, people do not change unless they see the light and decide to change. Trying to change and control others is a huge reason for sadness and dismay. We need to spend more time tending to ourselves and controlling our own reactions. We need boundaries between what we feel we are responsible for in relation to others. We are responsible only for ourselves.

If you encounter a person with a character flaw, someone who puts you down, abuses you, withdraws or refuses to reciprocate the relationship on equal ground, this is not your fault. Not everyone is capable of a mature, equal and fulfilling relationship. Instead of taking it personally, face reality. Realize that what other people do and how they treat you is a reflection on them--not you.