Saturday, September 21, 2013

Feeling Good is Not Enough

We can't always trust our feelings. Some things that "feel good" are not always best. Just because something feels good, doesn't mean it serves your best interests or that it is for your highest good. It may feel good to give yourself away to others, to give more than you take, to ignore your own needs and serve another instead. This may feel right and good to you within your heart, however, it may be counterproductive to your well being.

Perhaps you were raised to give yourself away, to forgo yourself in lieu of others. If so, then you likely learned to associate good feelings with this process, as this was the way that you gained, or earned "love" (albeit false love). These good feelings are like heroin, as you become addicted to the process of gaining affirmation by giving up yourself. Your comfort zone is a place where you do not exist. The False Self. You gain good feelings by being invisible, by losing yourself in another person.

Unfortunately the good feelings always end in pain and frustration. Why? Because we are not created to give ourselves away. We are created to find fulness within, and that requires us to act on our own behalf and look after our own needs. We must have a firm identity, we must believe in our own rights to need and want and to be treated equally if we want to stay true to ourselves.

The good feelings are an illusion. You can't forgo yourself and over serve the world without paying a high price. The price you pay for following your good feelings to give too much is the feeling of emptiness. Once you give yourself away--that is allow your feelings to be overly reliant on the actions and feelings of another person--you are left with nothing.
This is where MINDFULNESS comes in. When you are inclined to give yourself away, to give yourself up, to put another person ahead of yourself without thought of your own needs, you need mindfulness to keep you in check. Mindfulness includes your wise-self; the part of you that guides and protects you. The wise part of you, the internal guidance that lets you know--if you will plug into it--whether the good feelings you are following are in fact for your highest good.

If you've learned that it's more noble to give yourself up than to assert yourself and require that other people treat you with respect and honor your needs in reciprocation, then you may need to relearn how to live and relate with others. You may need to speak up for yourself, set boundaries, back-off, pull away, set standards and say no to others. This process may feel uncomfortable at first--hence, you're getting out of your learned comfort zone and into the place of the unknown.

You may feel like, for a moment, that you are not going to "get" the love that you need when you choose yourself over the approval of others. The truth is that love can only come from within. We can only share what we have, not get love from the outside. You must show yourself that you love yourself by refusing to give yourself away.

It may hurt for you to stick up for yourself. It may feel bad. It may feel wrong. But hang in there because what feels wrong is not always wrong! New processes require you to be uncomfortable for a while. Learning to love yourself may require that you forgo the fantasy of getting love outside yourself and this may not feel good at first. Eventually, however, as you learn to give yourself what you need, and as your brain learns this new way of being whole, you will begin to contain the good feelings within. You will have taught yourself how to be comfortable without giving yourself away. It takes practice! You will make mistakes! It is worth every effort.

Yes, you should trust your feelings, but you should trust your inner guide more--your wise mind. The higher you that keeps the past, present and future in perspective. Tap into that part of you that is wise, and delay instant gratification to soothe your need for love and approval outside of yourself. Learn to give yourself what you need, even though it may feel uncomfortable for a while. Soon, with practice, you will become stronger as you tap into the power of your own internal gatekeeper. Your own infinite source of love inside of you.


  1. Thanks for providing such amazing insights. I love this article, as i can truly relate to it.

  2. I have suffered a lot in my life by putting others' needs ahead of my own needs. I do feel good by sacrificing my needs for others, but it has cost me a lot in terms of my health and well-being.
    Thanks once again. You are doing a wonderful job by raising awareness of such important issues.

  3. I can, so relate to this. Thanks for the insight.

  4. I can, so relate to this. Thanks for the insight.