Monday, April 20, 2015

A Good Person vs. A Narcissist

Are you someone who has been abused by a malignant narcissist? If so, then you may need a little help in discerning who is good for you, and who will only use and discard you.

A good man or woman has real feelings and shows weaknesses, and this is unattractive to someone who is attracted to the perfection of the narcissist. A narcissist has fake feelings and pretends to be perfect. This feeds into our own feelings of inadequacy. Somehow we think they will externally make up for what we're missing internally.

The narcissist is perfect in a way because he or she does not have feelings. That does give them an advantage over others, but it is not conducive to a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship. Plus, deep down inside the narcissist is empty, alone, fearful and in constant need of narcissistic supply from others. Yet, those of us who are wounded internally are unconsciously seeking a relationship with someone who will not have feelings for us because we are trying to:
  1. Repeat the abuse from our childhood and fix it (repetition compulsion).
  2. Verify ourselves as unlovable, thus proving ourselves right.
  3. Learned behavioral habit due to drama triangle and/or trauma bonds.
You have to know how to walk away. Be willing to stand for what you want over wanting to keep the relationship going. You have to love yourself more than you love the idea of being in a relationship with any person. You have to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that is not nourishing to you. Your dignity must be non-negotiable or you will stay where you are forever and never find and receive the love you deserve. The time is now to figure out what it is inside of you that is attracted to someone who can never give you the love you need and want.

Self Abandonment 

The reason you're susceptible to the narcissist's lies is because there is something about your own self from which you are disconnected. If you are caught up in the narcissistic trance, then you are abandoning yourself in some way. You are not aligned with source inside yourself, with the truth of who you are if you fall for the narcissist's trap. You are unaware of your own ability to complete yourself if you are prone to narcissistic abuse. You are not looking for real love if you fall for a narcissist; you are looking for conditional love to fill up a missing part of yourself that should have been filled in childhood between the ages of 0 to 7 years old.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you may have had difficulties your whole life in feeling "normal." Perhaps you've looked around to see what normal is, only to find advertisements of perfect people, and seemingly perfect relationships between perfectly suited people all around you. Maybe, in effort to be normal and perfect, you're unconsciously trying to get someone in your life who fits your skewed vision of normality and okay-ness.

Maybe deep down, you have a false core belief that you're not as good as other people, but that if you could just obtain a "perfect" and "normal" relationship with one of these perfect people, that you can finally love yourself. That is a version of "If I could just... then I will be okay."

So you set out to find love for yourself externally, through the perfect narcissist. In essence, the narcissist is not a person to you either. Just like the narcissist objectifies you, you objectify the narcissist by making him or her a psychological construct for you to feel better about yourself. This will never work. You can only love yourself by doing the hard work within your own heart for yourself, by yourself and with yourself. Self Love is the only answer to narcissistic abuse.

A good person, a real person who offers true, unconditional love and who has real feelings may not be interesting to you if you are one who has abandoned yourself by trying to get externally what only comes from within. A good person may be repulsive to you if you do not feel good about yourself. You think you need someone to substantiate your worth externally--this is something that the narcissist promises to do but fails to deliver. A good person who is capable of loving you will not promise directly or indirectly to make up for the things you lack. Since what you are needing is to love yourself, you will forever fall prey to the narcissistic personality and narcissistic abuse until you learn to give yourself what you're needing and to stop abandoning yourself for the promises of grandeur you receive from the narcissist.
  • Real people are NOT PERFECT. 
  • Real people will show weakness.
  • Real people will not say everything you want to hear.
  • Real people may seem weak.
  • Real people share real feelings.
  • Real people may not be in awe of you like the narc is at first. 
  • Real people may not be as smooth or slick.
  • Real people may be a little nervous and rickety. 
  • Real people are terrible at playing games.
 A real person is the only type of person who can give you the love you need. If you have something skewed internally, as in, a negative core belief that you are worthless, then you may not be able to receive the real, unconditional love that a real person has to offer. Herein lies your work. Learning to overcome negative core beliefs with the truth of who you are. Learning to let real love in by first loving yourself. Staying present with yourself and unlearning the behaviors and patterns that keep you trapped in the unhealthy trance of loving the narcissist who can never love you back. Learn to recognize the warning signs and protect yourself against narcissists in the future.

Good people are everywhere. Love is all around you. The key for you is to love yourself first so that you can recognize real love, real empathy and real compassion whenever it comes your way.

Good luck! 


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