Sunday, February 8, 2015

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."
- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

  1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
  2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
  3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
  4. Blaming self.
  5. Addiction of any kind.
  6. Impulsive behaviors.
  7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
  8. Not practicing good enough self care.
  9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
  10. Not speaking your truth.
  11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
  12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
  13. Over scheduling yourself.
  14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
  15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
  16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
  17. Trying to win approval of others.
  18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
  19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
  20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
  21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
  22. Loving others too much.
  23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
  24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
  25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
  26. Not taking care of your health.
  27. Working too much, too hard.
  28. Longing for another person
  29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
  30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
  31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
  32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
  33. Gossiping about others.
  34. Stuffing your emotions.
  35. Being overly critical of yourself.
  36. Being overly critical of others.
  37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
  38. Living life vicariously through your children.
  39. Striving.
  40. Perfectionism.
  41. Needing too much attention from others.
  42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
  43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
  44. Allowing someone else to define you.
  45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
  46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
  47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
  48. Trying to fix another person.
  49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
  50. Not accepting yourself.
  51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
  52. Judging yourself or others.
  53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
  54. Beating yourself up.
  55. Negative self talk.
  56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
  57. Withdrawing from social contact.
  58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
  59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
  60. Ignoring your own needs.
  61. Invalidating yourself.
  62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
  63. Living in denial.
  64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
  65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
  66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
  67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
  68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
  69. Blaming others.
  70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
  71. Being a Doormat
  72. Masking your emotions.
  73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
  74. Not protecting yourself.
  75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
  76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
  77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
  78. Not learning from mistakes.
  79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
  80. Pushing yourself too hard.
  81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
  82. Operate as “less-than” others.
  83. Partaking in psychological games.
  84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
  85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
  86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
  87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
  88. Fearing abandonment.
  89. Fearing rejection.
  90. Putting yourself down.
  91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
  92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
  93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
  94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
  95. Failing to take action.
  96. Making excuses.
  97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
  98. Hating your imperfections.
  99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
  100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
  101. Needing another person.
  102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
  103. Trying to help too much.
  104. Giving too much.
  105. Being negative about your life.
  106. Staying stuck where you are.
  107. Isolating yourself.
  108. Hurting other people.
  109. Exploiting other people.
  110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
  111. Treating yourself like crap.
  112. Criticizing yourself.
  113. Judging yourself harshly.
  114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)
Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.


  1. Wow, this is right on. Just what I needed to read right now. Thank you.

    1. Awesome Natalie! Thank you for your comment. I need it too. Hugs.