Beware of Overly Nice People Who Try to Bust Your Boundaries

100 Traits of Toxic People (Video)

How the Covert Narcissist Stabs You with Negative Comments

Negative comments that are intentionally made by an abusive person are hurtful. These little jabs, which can be seemingly small can destroy your self esteem and even damage your physical health without you realizing it. These covert soul-destroying comments are done by manipulative people who wish to make you to doubt yourself and to invalidate your experience. It's important to steer clear of negative comments meant to stab you by going no contact, having limited contact, or setting boundaries by speaking up for yourself.

Sometimes it is not so easy to notice negative comments, but they do still stab you and they do still hurt. If you're dealing with a sneaky, sly, intelligent covert narcissist, they will couch these negative comments in clever ways. The higher you get along your healing journey, the more educated you become, the more you rewire your brain to self love, the easier it becomes to detect these negative jabs and not take them personally.

When you know it's happening, you can externalize the insult, which is to not take it personally. When you know it's happening, you can take up for yourself... or at least know that it's not about you. It's about the narcissist and his or her need to tear you down because they need to feel superior. The toxic person NEEDS to make you feel bad because they are not embodied. They are driven by their false self to gain power and control. They have no true self so they want to snuff yours out like a vampire.

Here is a list of ways people can make covert negative comments that are meant to stab you, without doing it directly.

Making a negative comment about another person that you intuitively sense the person also feels about you. 

This happened to me for years until I finally realized it at the age of 41. There was a certain person in my life whom I loved and trusted dearly, and she would make negative comments about other people that related to my weakness or perceived weaknesses. She would also make positive comments about others related to my perceived weaknesses. This is negative validation; when a person validates areas of your own negative self esteem.  Not all negative comments are obvious, but they always jab you and bring you down

Turning on the light and seeing the truth for the first time is astounding. It's like you're living in the movie "The Truman Show." Suddenly you figure out that all these sweet and smiling people were manipulating you into a false reality. When you can see clearly in one relationship, it opens your eyes to abuses in other relationships as well.

Making a comment about another person who has let others down, and then later attributing the same characteristic to you.

I have found that covert manipulators will say snarky things about other people in your presence, and then later on--sometimes during the same conversation, will mention that you are the same way. If you're in a covert narcissistic relationship dynamic and you're the victim, you may experience cognitive dissonance and feel uncomfortable. However, you may not catch what is happening.

You may just go away from the conversation feeling poorly. Or you may bring this discomfort and self doubt to the narcissist herself, seeking validation. Then the covert narcissist has you under her control. She can choose to build you up (love bombing) or refuse to meet your dependency need (discarding you). Either way, you're the one who ends up with the deficit. As you heal, you learn to validate yourself and steer clear of this manipulation and control.
 
Yawning or showing body language of disinterest or boredom. 

This implies that you are boring and not worth listening to. If you have empathy, you will relate with the person and shut down your conversation. It is a subtle hint that what you have to say is not important. I understand tired, but if you're sharing your heart in a deep way and someone yawns or acts bored, you're sharing with the wrong person. This person could be covertly trying to insinuate that you don't matter. The opposite is true. Your feelings matter a great deal and what you have to say is very important and meaningful.

Don't fall for this ruse and think you don't matter. Validate yourself and remind yourself that the problem is with the apathetic, toxic person, not you. The person who is tuning you out and giving vibes that you're not worth hearing has an issue with you. He feels that you ARE TOO important, and therefore he needs to bring you down a notch. Combat this tactic with internal validation and affirmations such as, "MY FEELINGS MATTER. I AM WORTHY OF BEING HEARD. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WILL LISTEN TO ME INTENTLY."

Making negative comments about themselves that could potentially be an issue or soft spot for you.

Beware of someone who degrades himself or herself to you. This almost always has a covert, underlining purpose. A toxic person will actually comment negatively about himself or herself in order to get you on the same bandwagon about yourself. We are wired to connect and mirror one another. If you're not careful, you can go into a spiral about how bad you are based on someone else's comment they've made about themselves. You have to stay aware and validate yourself against such comments. I also try to say something to stop it if possible, though this one is hard to detect.

Overcoming this tactic is about recovering from codependency. This is about creating space inside your own psyche that allows other people to have their issues without enmeshing and merging your feelings about yourself with their opinion of themselves. However, when the toxic person pushes your buttons by bringing up things that truly bother you about yourself, it's difficult to separate yourself from their stinging comments. It feels uncomfortable. Trust your intuition.

Telling you the negative things that someone else says about you.

There is a time when it's important for you to know that another friend is being two-faced. But when you have a so-called friend telling you detailed accounts of the negative things that someone else has said about you, you are encroaching upon abuse. This is not okay. Do not tolerate anyone telling you the negative things someone else says or is saying. Just shut it up. You don't need to know! This is about that toxic person, not you. Set a boundary. Hang up the phone. Leave the conversation. This is a red flag. No true friend would wax on about negative comments made about you. Good friends want to lift you up and make you feel amazing, not tear you down and make you feel worthless.

Figuring out what your weaknesses are, and then sharing their strengths which are your weaknesses. 

A toxic person may interrogate you, question you to find out personal information about you. If you are a trusting and empathetic person without good boundaries, you may be inclined to share too much information with someone you don't know well enough to trust. People take time to unfold. You may end up giving personal information about what bothers you to someone too early in the relationship, before you find out that this person is dangerous. When you do this by accident or unconsciously or consciously, the toxic person uses this information against you by bragging about their own thin body, great career, loving relationship or close bond with their siblings. The toxic person uses your weaknesses to further pull you down and make you feel insecure about your own self doubts by playing up their superiority.

It's okay for people to be proud of themselves. It's okay for people to share about their accomplishments and good attributes. This is healthy, and it's good for you to be able to validate in your relationships and give credit where credit is due, HOWEVER, if there is a weird pattern going on of them bringing up specific things that bother you about yourself but that they excel, then you can tell you're dealing with someone who is toxic. Toxic people will purposefully say things to make you feel less-than them because they feel so worthless themselves, they can't afford for you to have an ounce of affirmation, validation or connection.

Becoming your advisor on an area in which you are lacking and they're succeeding, without you asking for any advice. 

I am single, so it's irritating to me when a married woman sits down with me and tries to become my advisor for catching a man. This is super toxic! People who are harmful to you assume that you need advice, without finding out anything about you. They have a need to appear superior to you and feel that they need to take the one-up role of advisor. You know these people are toxic because they never share their own vulnerabilities. They act like their lives are perfect. You can catch these types in lies if you're skilled. They put on a mask of perfection, while giving you advice to "help" you in an area in which they feel you feel you are lacking, without even finding out where you're really at and/or what really matters to you.

Reminding you of the time they let you down.

A covert narcissist takes pleasure in your pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. A toxic person gets a thrill out of harming you and hurting your feelings. Why? Because it makes them feel superior, and if you're being controlled and manipulated by them, then it makes you feel like shit, which is a double win for the toxic personality type. This poisonous person likes to remind you in subtle ways of the time they let you down, almost as if to rub your face in it. They mention it in casual conversation... It's very difficult to detect this one, but it happens and it is there. These little digs are like hammers nailing you lower and lower, taking your dignity down with it.

Reminding you of how ____ you are.

This is a hard one to recognize too, especially if you've been abused by a covert narcissist person or family system (Snake Pit) your entire life. These toxic people are always covertly, slyly reminding you of how annoying you are, ridiculous you are, outlandish you are. Insert your own word for the blank: crazy, selfish, inconsiderate, stupid, needy, suicidal, sensitive, abused, single, depressed, ugly, fat, thin, frail, poor, broke, just about any adjective you can think of. They try to label you and keep you in a role in order to control you and break you down.

CONCLUSION 


These are just a few ways a narcissist stabs you with negative comments. Watch out for these behaviors. If you notice these behaviors, it is a red flag that you're dealing with a covert narcissist. You can go for years and years without realizing that you're dealing with a very toxic person. It is dangerous to stay around such toxic people because it damages your self esteem and keeps you in a downward trajectory, away from your true passions and purposes. Go No Contact with negative people. Keep your distance. Protect your heart and stay safe. You are valuable and you need to be treated with love and respect. Find people who build you up, not tear you down. Good people are out there. Keep growing.

Stop Focusing On Toxic People in Your Life

My latest area of growth is in my areas of focus. For a long time I needed to focus on negative people and actions of others just to become aware of it. So for several years I've spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on negative behaviors of those around me that I was in so-called "relationship" with. I would call them out, post about it on FB, write blog posts about it. That was an important time of growth and awareness. I needed that time to separate ME from the negative environment I found myself in. I had to figure out how to set boundaries, how to walk away from toxic relationships, how to trust my intuition.

But there comes a time when you figure it out. I got it now. I know what poor behavior is. I know the silent treatment. I know gaslighting. I know the narcissist. I know it when I see it. Yeah, I still attract it to some extent--to a large extent. But what I'm learning to do now is ignore it. Let go of it. Stop pointing at it in my life because okay, calling them out does no good. Knowing what they're doing to me and getting them out of my life is enough. Enough already! Enough.

Now I am learning to focus on building positive connections and creating meaningful, fulfilling relationships. Sometimes it's easier to sit there and point the finger at mean people than it is to just be vulnerable and call up a friend who is kind. I'm learning to adjust my attention from negative behavior, to noticing those around me who are good, who are present, who are there for me. I'm opening my heart, giving my attention to those who give back. I'm looking for the positive, healthy loving people who care about me--no longer trying to change people who do not. It's so much more productive!

And the toxic relationships are falling away; for the first time, I'm experiencing true connection. Letting the good in and keeping the bad out. Give and take. Forgiving and forgetting. Allowing myself to feel my feelings and express them moderately with another person. Setting boundaries. Being respected. Wow. What a difference! What a better way to pass the time than to focus on abusive others.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to focus on the abuse you're enduring, but once you notice it, get out and stop focusing on it. Whatever you focus on you will draw to you. We create our own reality. So it's important to know what you're dealing with, and then to let them go. Send them on their way with love and light. We are all united. We are all part of the same whole. Nothing is gained by hating them. Just let them go.

Open your heart to the love that surrounds you. Give the healthy people who love you more of your time and attention. You find them everywhere, if only you stop looking to negative, painful and abusive others. Focus on people who are doing you right. If you don't know any, focus on finding them.

- Jenna Ryan 2016

Hidden Messages of Toxic People

How do you know if a friend, acquaintance or family member is toxic? There are some usual tell-tale signs. First of all, you must know, when you're dealing with a toxic person, you're not simply engaging with them. You are in a battle; a battle for power and control. Toxic people base their interactions on power and control. They want to engage with you, but only in a way that puts them on top, and you on bottom.

Unfortunately, these disordered human beings feel out-of-sorts when you are equal. They need to feel superior in order to maintain their self esteem. They come across as aloof and as though they don't need you, when in reality, they're quite needy. They only get their self esteem from external sources... from doing things that subtly put you in your "place." One of the main ways a toxic person sends a message of inequality to those around him or her is through subtle ignoring, withdrawal and the Silent Treatment. This is the process of leaving you hanging, not answering your texts, not responding to your invitations or checking their phone when the two of you are having lunch.

Checking phone when you're in mid sentence during lunch, dinner or other 2 way conversation. 

You may think this is no big deal, when in fact, it is a big deal because it sends a subconscious (and often conscious) message that you are not worth listening to. It causes the speaker to question him or herself and to feel less-than interesting. If a speaker is codependent and unaware of this mean toxic tactic, he or she may try harder to engage the ignoring other, or simply be quiet, assuming that what they say is not important. Everyone has a need to be heard. You have a right to expect your needs to be met, and you have a right to be heard. A toxic person ignoring you as you're speaking is rude and inconsiderate. If you continue to put up with this behavior, it will erode your self esteem.

When I am eating, drinking and/or conversing with someone, I am aware of the messages that the other person is sending to me. I listen to my own gut about how I feel. If I feel uneasy, or if the person starts ignoring me as I am speaking, I stop speaking. I may even let them know that I can't talk while someone is texting others. If they won't stop after I set a boundary, I will end the lunch. Yes, I will get up and walk away. Life is too short to pour myself out to disrespectful people. I need my self esteem and I need people who respect me enough to listen to me and show me that they are interested in what I have to say. I MATTER and so do you.

Ignoring your texts.

This is an interesting one. There are 2 types of ignoring (probably more, but I'm only dealing with 2). One type is when you send a text and the person never responds. The second type is when you say something and the person glosses over what you said by not answering. Here's a nice breakdown of unacceptable behavior of toxic people that over time will rob you of your self esteem and take away from you rather than build you up.

"A skilled emotional manipulator gets you to put your sense of self worth and emotional well-being into his hands. Once you make that grave mistake, he methodically and continually chips away at your identity and self-esteem until there's little left." ~ Psychopaths and Love 

1. Not responding to your initial text. This is a sign that the other person is not interested in communicating with you or that they did not receive the text. You can let this slide once, but if it happens 3 times within a few months, you can bet this person is sending you a subtle message that you are unimportant and less-than them. If a person is too busy to send a quick text back, this person is too busy for you. Go find someone more interested in you who can meet your needs equally.

2. Saying something totally unrelated to what you've said. Some people have the nerve to totally ignore your topics of conversation by text, phone or in person. They may not answer your question, but instead say whatever it is they want to say. This is a subtle form of dissing. It sends a message to your subconscious that you are invisible; and that what you have to say is not important.

3. Not responding to the last thing you said. How hard is it to send a smiley face? Say haha or finish up a conversation? I've noticed that people who have a stake in being one-up over others do not reply or finish conversations. They leave things open, which leaves you feeling like you just said the most stupid thing in the world. I know this is subtle, but that's how nuts toxic people are. They use every opportunity to dominate over others and make people they're dealing with feel less-than and worthless.

4. Waiting a long time to respond to texts. Everyone is busy. We live in a busy world, and we can't expect to be at the top of everyone's agenda 24 hours a day, however, there is a limit to how busy a person should be before you scrap the relationship and find someone else who is more attentive to your needs for reciprocity.  If someone you're dealing with consistently fails to respond to your texts in a timely manner, or leaves you hanging, then you could be dealing with a toxic person who is trying to dominate you and ultimately control you. I recommend letting this person know this behavior is bothersome and setting a boundary to protect yourself from being negated in any way.

Some people like this you have to deal with, for example people at work and/or family members. Other people, you have a choice to walk away and find people who treat you well. I have found that the text process is a great way to find out if you're dealing with a person who is sane... that is, interested in a reciprocal, give-and-take, equal relationship... or the opposite. A narcissistic control freak who wants to gain power over you--or somewhere in between.

Being less available.

A toxic person is all about controlling you. When you are being controlled by a toxic person, you may not even realize it. They do little things. Tiny things that seem like no big deal to you. Let's say, for example, they are pulling the Sweet/Mean Cycle on you. They want to control some aspect of your life, so they've been LOVE BOMBING you by being nice and meeting all your needs--and more. Now, it's time for the leveling. This is when the narcissist goes from idealizing you to devaluing you. Some toxic people use this process to control you and bring you back into line.

You may not realize it, but you will subconsciously notice that the toxic person is no longer attending to you like before. You may not see it plainly, but deep down, you will associate this person's poor, declining treatment of you as an indication that they're no longer happy with you. You're no longer accepted. Maybe you got a new job, a new boyfriend or a raise. A disordered person, who was there for you like Mother Theresa when you were down, now suddenly starts pulling away. Subconsciously, you may start to sabotage your new found happiness in order to maintain this relationship. WATCH OUT. This is a powerful form of control that can cripple your life and frustrate you immensely.

Pay attention when people are there for you and when you are feeling needy. Notice changes in the relational style of those closet to you, especially if you've been a victim of emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse. It may not be you. You may be the puppet of a toxic controlling person without even realizing it!

Insinuating there is something wrong with you and/or your decisions and life choices.

Let's face it. Happy, well-adjusted people with high self esteem do not feel the need to tear others down or to make them feel like there is something wrong with them. It is only people who feel little, insecure and intimidated that will go the extra mile to try to make you feel badly. A toxic person is very subtle, but will make statements and ask little questions that are intended to make you second guess yourself. Watch for this! Someone who loves and cares about you, someone who is good for you will build you up and encourage you--they won't be making little digs that negate and deflate you. A healthy person will not cause you to have to defend yourself or give excuses. Only sick, unhealthy people try to downgrade others.

The key to stopping these negative messages from infiltrating your soul is to build your own identity and seek out healthy people. Do whatever it takes to build a positive support system of people who are on your side and who are not toxic. Weed out negative toxic people from your life by limiting your communication and time you spend with them. Remind yourself that you matter. Continue to cultivate rich friendships with people who value you and who have something to offer. Steer clear from envious others and those with an agenda. So much more I could say, but this is all for today.

Narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle

This video is an excellent explanation of the narcissist Sweet / Mean Cycle. The Sweet / Mean Cycle is a manipulative tactic used by toxic people to control you. If you fall for the sweet / mean cycle, you will become confused as you diminish yourself, deny your own needs AND work overtime to make the toxic person happy at your own expense.

The Sweet Mean Cycle is a process the toxic person uses to gain control of their victims. The victim is generally someone who has been abused this way growing up who is groomed to give up their rights and be a puppet to external sources.

This intermittent reinforcement of sometimes nice sometimes mean creates a split in the victim's psyche that sucks up energy and causes one to lose their grip on their own identity, worth and value.

IT TAKES 2 TO TANGO
 
The Sweet Mean Cycle is used by the Perpetrator in the Drama Triangle to entangle his or her victim. Once enthralled, these two people dance around in recurrent roles of Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer. Each wears masks while making the other responsible for their own feelings. Make no mistake. This is a dance on the part of the Perpetrator who uses the manipulative Sweet / Mean Cycle, and the victim who allows it to happen by abandoning his or her self.

This abusive relationship heads downhill fast with the one who has the most power gaining control and benefit. The one who gives his or her power away suffers most.

100 Traits of a Toxic People

Toxic people wreck your life. When you have trouble loving yourself, that's when you're the most susceptible to being lured into relationships with toxic people. You see, toxic people treat you like you're worthless. If you think that you are worth-less, or if you're not secure in who you are, then you will have difficulty noticing poor treatment. You will also have trouble setting boundaries against attack and protecting yourself from harm. Perhaps you agree with the toxic person's low opinion of you?

A toxic person causes pain, confusion and turmoil in the lives of those around him or her. We're all connected, so their toxic relational styles flows like poison into your heart, mind and soul. The sad part is that when it happens, when we don't know our worth, we blame ourselves.

When I began my last healing journey, the one that led to my emancipation from low self worth, to the world of self love, I found that I was surrounded by vultures. These people in my life had their way with my heart and I had no protection against it. I didn't realize that THEY were the reason I was sad and depressed. It was their treatment of me that brought me down. We are not emotionally equipped to be abused. When we're hurt, we break down. If you're breaking down, chances are it's caused by the way you allow yourself to be treated. Chances are you have a few toxic weeds you need to remove from your garden too.

Toxic people are all around. I read that 50% of people are toxic. I'm finding that to be accurate. Not everyone is friend-worthy. I've learned that if someone hurts me, disrespects me or dishonors me, that that person is not safe for me. I may love that person, but so long as they are toxic, they are not healthy for me and therefore must be pushed away or avoided altogether. It is recommended that you steer completely clear of all toxic people--UNLESS--there is no other recourse: ie: it's your mom, dad, co-worker or boss. Some toxic people must be dealt with, but when you can--RUN.

This article will give you clues to toxic people so you can avoid getting involved with them in the future. Keep away from toxic people and save yourself much grief and turmoil later.

1. They have grandiose air about them, boasting and bragging about how wonderful that they are.
2. Flatter you by giving you an inordinate amount of attention, money or time early-on in the relationship.
3. Cannot admit faults or flaws. Says, "I don't have any," and means it seriously.
4. Not true to values and norms of society; lacking character.
5. Disrespect you, do not return your call(s), ignore you, avoid you.
6. Refuse to deal with issues in the relationship that you bring up.
7. Blame you when you're upset because of something they did to you.
8. Overly agreeable at first.
9. Try to make you feel guilty when you're concerned over something they did to disrespect you.
10. Mimic you.
11. Put you down. 
12. Blames world for their problems. 
13. Show up late for appointments or cancel at the last minute. 
14. Expect you to always come to them, rather than give-and-take.
15. Does not listen to your concerns about the relationship or interactions.
16. They are actively addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc... 
17. They need an inordinate amount of attention or high regard from those around them.
18. They are continually worried about position or rank.
19. They are overly competitive.
20. They put you down in any way. 
21. Try to make you envious by rubbing your nose in their good fortune.
22. Seem to be envious of you.
23. Set-up outings with your other friends without inviting you.
24. Try to create triangles by involving 3rd parties into your disagreements. 
25. Talk behind your back or gossip about others. 
26. Continually down, depressed and having catastrophes.
27. Try to leave you out of the crowd.
28. Refuse to acknowledge your needs.
29. Fail to look you in the eye when you're talking. (Look over your shoulder at others instead.)
30. Lack compassion for what you're going through.
31. Refuse to share about themselves equally. 
32. Label you or stereotype you.
33. Refuse to acknowledge mistakes. 
34. Refuse to apologize for wrongs. 
35. Acts entitled to special treatment. 
36. Manipulative.
37. Tells lies, exaggerates constantly. 
38. Down plays your accomplishments.
39. By your side when you're down, then withdraws from you when you're doing well.
40. Defensive about everything you do. 
41. Refuse to validate your perception of reality. 
42. Attempt to tell you how you feel or tell you how you are. 
43. Constantly criticizing.
44. Acts like they worship the ground you walk on one day, then like you don't exist the next. 
45. Makes you feel worthless. 
46. Orders you or bosses you around. 
47. Is overly reliant on parents or another person. 
48. Won't go out of their way for you, even when you go out of your way for them. 
49. Ignore your texts, emails or calls at any time. (Big sign of disrespect!)
50. Does not support you.
51. Belittles your ambitions. 
52. Speaks negatively about your friends, job, life. 
53. Acts like he or she is always in a hurry, with very little time for you.
54. Acts as though he or she is doing you a favor by talking to you or listening to you.
55. Treats you as less than if you do not prescribe to their dogma, religion or doctrine. 
56. Talks bad about those who are mentally ill, sick or hurting. 
57. Tries to turn you into their administrative assistant (call to remind me, pick-up my cleaning).
58. Confusing attitudes that change day-by-day.
59. Does not keep word. 
60. Seems to be more interested in power than in relationship.
61. Seems to be more concerned about what others think than about your relationship. 
62. Treats you as though he or she is angry, without giving explanation. 
63. Knowingly makes comments that are contrary to your convictions.
64. Tries to change you. 
65. Insults your body, clothing, personality or anything about you. 
66. Not available when you need him or her most. 
67. Cannot talk about anything other than surface, materialistic or vain topics. 
68. Does not do what you want to do. Always needs to control your time together. 
69. Does not share information with you that they have that may help you excel in life.
70. Constantly complains or whines.
71. Has anger issues, rages, hates.
72. Plays games.
73. Judgmental
74. Continues to ask the same question after you've told them you don't want to answer it. 
75. Chews you out for no reason. 
76. Controlling
77. Uses money or flattery to control you.
78. Tells you what to do, how to think, what to feel.
79. Tells you one thing, then denies she said it.
80. Brings up your faults, flaws or past mistakes.
81. Brings up topics every time you see them that they know you'd rather not discuss.
82. Blows up, flies off handle for no reason.
83. Always needs to be in the center of attention.
84. Cool toward you when you succeed, get attention or look good.
85. Taker
86. Challenges everything you say.
87. Negative
88. Black or white thinking - no gray area.
89. Moves too fast, wants to become instant friends, lovers, in relationship.
90. Ignores your boundaries. 
91. Exploits you.
92. Idealizes you.
93. Acts pompous towards you.
94. Acts condescending towards you.
95. Agrees with your adversaries instead of supporting you.
96. Acts like they know more than you, better than you about what you need to do in your life. 
97. Bitter, vindictive or vengeful.
98. Selfish, stingy.
99. Rushes you.
100. Withholds affection
101. Kicks you when you're down.  

A toxic person can be anyone. A friend, a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a boss or a co-worker. No matter who it is that is toxic in your life, you must set up strong boundaries against them, and potentially remove yourself from their life.  You cannot change them. The tactics of a toxic person siphons away your self-esteem. Life is too short to be depleted by another person. You need all of yourself possible to live your life and grow as a person.

Relationship Spring Cleaning

Do an overhaul of your relationships, a "Spring Cleaning" if you will. You will find that you're not really missing anything if you walk away from a toxic person. Here's an excerpt from Cheryl Richardson's book,"Take Time for Your Life."

Since soulful connections require an investment of time and energy, you'll want to choose the people you spend time with wisely. To determine whether a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself the following questions.

1. Write down the name of a person in your life.
2. Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by him/her?
3. Is this person critical or judgmental of me?
4. Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?
5. Do I feel upbeat and energized when I'm around this person, or depleted and drained?
6. Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?
7. Is this person committed to our relationship?
8. Can this person celebrate my success?
9. Do I feel good about myself when I'm with this person?

Conclusion

If you suspect that someone is toxic, chances are, you're right. The best thing to do is to go with your gut and trust your intuition. Ignoring your intuition can leave you in a state of confusion. Toxic people are good at playing on your emotions, making you feel ashamed, guilty or obligated to let them treat you with disregard. Don't let that happen! You are a worthwhile person and you deserve to be treated as an equal in ALL RELATIONSHIPS. Don't settle for less. Put up your boundary and pull back or permanently away.

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