Friday, June 9, 2017

How the Covert Narcissist Stabs You with Negative Comments

Negative comments that are intentionally made by an abusive person are hurtful. These little jabs, which can be seemingly small can destroy your self esteem and even damage your physical health without you realizing it. These covert soul-destroying comments are done by manipulative people who wish to make you to doubt yourself and to invalidate your experience. It's important to steer clear of negative comments meant to stab you by going no contact, having limited contact, or setting boundaries by speaking up for yourself.

Sometimes it is not so easy to notice negative comments, but they do still stab you and they do still hurt. If you're dealing with a sneaky, sly, intelligent covert narcissist, they will couch these negative comments in clever ways. The higher you get along your healing journey, the more educated you become, the more you rewire your brain to self love, the easier it becomes to detect these negative jabs and not take them personally.

When you know it's happening, you can externalize the insult, which is to not take it personally. When you know it's happening, you can take up for yourself... or at least know that it's not about you. It's about the narcissist and his or her need to tear you down because they need to feel superior. The toxic person NEEDS to make you feel bad because they are not embodied. They are driven by their false self to gain power and control. They have no true self so they want to snuff yours out like a vampire.

Here is a list of ways people can make covert negative comments that are meant to stab you, without doing it directly.

Making a negative comment about another person that you intuitively sense the person also feels about you. 

This happened to me for years until I finally realized it at the age of 41. There was a certain person in my life whom I loved and trusted dearly, and she would make negative comments about other people that related to my weakness or perceived weaknesses. She would also make positive comments about others related to my perceived weaknesses. This is negative validation; when a person validates areas of your own negative self esteem.  Not all negative comments are obvious, but they always jab you and bring you down

Turning on the light and seeing the truth for the first time is astounding. It's like you're living in the movie "The Truman Show." Suddenly you figure out that all these sweet and smiling people were manipulating you into a false reality. When you can see clearly in one relationship, it opens your eyes to abuses in other relationships as well.

Making a comment about another person who has let others down, and then later attributing the same characteristic to you.

I have found that covert manipulators will say snarky things about other people in your presence, and then later on--sometimes during the same conversation, will mention that you are the same way. If you're in a covert narcissistic relationship dynamic and you're the victim, you may experience cognitive dissonance and feel uncomfortable. However, you may not catch what is happening.

You may just go away from the conversation feeling poorly. Or you may bring this discomfort and self doubt to the narcissist herself, seeking validation. Then the covert narcissist has you under her control. She can choose to build you up (love bombing) or refuse to meet your dependency need (discarding you). Either way, you're the one who ends up with the deficit. As you heal, you learn to validate yourself and steer clear of this manipulation and control.
Yawning or showing body language of disinterest or boredom. 

This implies that you are boring and not worth listening to. If you have empathy, you will relate with the person and shut down your conversation. It is a subtle hint that what you have to say is not important. I understand tired, but if you're sharing your heart in a deep way and someone yawns or acts bored, you're sharing with the wrong person. This person could be covertly trying to insinuate that you don't matter. The opposite is true. Your feelings matter a great deal and what you have to say is very important and meaningful.

Don't fall for this ruse and think you don't matter. Validate yourself and remind yourself that the problem is with the apathetic, toxic person, not you. The person who is tuning you out and giving vibes that you're not worth hearing has an issue with you. He feels that you ARE TOO important, and therefore he needs to bring you down a notch. Combat this tactic with internal validation and affirmations such as, "MY FEELINGS MATTER. I AM WORTHY OF BEING HEARD. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WILL LISTEN TO ME INTENTLY."

Making negative comments about themselves that could potentially be an issue or soft spot for you.

Beware of someone who degrades himself or herself to you. This almost always has a covert, underlining purpose. A toxic person will actually comment negatively about himself or herself in order to get you on the same bandwagon about yourself. We are wired to connect and mirror one another. If you're not careful, you can go into a spiral about how bad you are based on someone else's comment they've made about themselves. You have to stay aware and validate yourself against such comments. I also try to say something to stop it if possible, though this one is hard to detect.

Overcoming this tactic is about recovering from codependency. This is about creating space inside your own psyche that allows other people to have their issues without enmeshing and merging your feelings about yourself with their opinion of themselves. However, when the toxic person pushes your buttons by bringing up things that truly bother you about yourself, it's difficult to separate yourself from their stinging comments. It feels uncomfortable. Trust your intuition.

Telling you the negative things that someone else says about you.

There is a time when it's important for you to know that another friend is being two-faced. But when you have a so-called friend telling you detailed accounts of the negative things that someone else has said about you, you are encroaching upon abuse. This is not okay. Do not tolerate anyone telling you the negative things someone else says or is saying. Just shut it up. You don't need to know! This is about that toxic person, not you. Set a boundary. Hang up the phone. Leave the conversation. This is a red flag. No true friend would wax on about negative comments made about you. Good friends want to lift you up and make you feel amazing, not tear you down and make you feel worthless.

Figuring out what your weaknesses are, and then sharing their strengths which are your weaknesses. 

A toxic person may interrogate you, question you to find out personal information about you. If you are a trusting and empathetic person without good boundaries, you may be inclined to share too much information with someone you don't know well enough to trust. People take time to unfold. You may end up giving personal information about what bothers you to someone too early in the relationship, before you find out that this person is dangerous. When you do this by accident or unconsciously or consciously, the toxic person uses this information against you by bragging about their own thin body, great career, loving relationship or close bond with their siblings. The toxic person uses your weaknesses to further pull you down and make you feel insecure about your own self doubts by playing up their superiority.

It's okay for people to be proud of themselves. It's okay for people to share about their accomplishments and good attributes. This is healthy, and it's good for you to be able to validate in your relationships and give credit where credit is due, HOWEVER, if there is a weird pattern going on of them bringing up specific things that bother you about yourself but that they excel, then you can tell you're dealing with someone who is toxic. Toxic people will purposefully say things to make you feel less-than them because they feel so worthless themselves, they can't afford for you to have an ounce of affirmation, validation or connection.

Becoming your advisor on an area in which you are lacking and they're succeeding, without you asking for any advice. 

I am single, so it's irritating to me when a married woman sits down with me and tries to become my advisor for catching a man. This is super toxic! People who are harmful to you assume that you need advice, without finding out anything about you. They have a need to appear superior to you and feel that they need to take the one-up role of advisor. You know these people are toxic because they never share their own vulnerabilities. They act like their lives are perfect. You can catch these types in lies if you're skilled. They put on a mask of perfection, while giving you advice to "help" you in an area in which they feel you feel you are lacking, without even finding out where you're really at and/or what really matters to you.

Reminding you of the time they let you down.

A covert narcissist takes pleasure in your pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. A toxic person gets a thrill out of harming you and hurting your feelings. Why? Because it makes them feel superior, and if you're being controlled and manipulated by them, then it makes you feel like shit, which is a double win for the toxic personality type. This poisonous person likes to remind you in subtle ways of the time they let you down, almost as if to rub your face in it. They mention it in casual conversation... It's very difficult to detect this one, but it happens and it is there. These little digs are like hammers nailing you lower and lower, taking your dignity down with it.

Reminding you of how ____ you are.

This is a hard one to recognize too, especially if you've been abused by a covert narcissist person or family system (Snake Pit) your entire life. These toxic people are always covertly, slyly reminding you of how annoying you are, ridiculous you are, outlandish you are. Insert your own word for the blank: crazy, selfish, inconsiderate, stupid, needy, suicidal, sensitive, abused, single, depressed, ugly, fat, thin, frail, poor, broke, just about any adjective you can think of. They try to label you and keep you in a role in order to control you and break you down.


These are just a few ways a narcissist stabs you with negative comments. Watch out for these behaviors. If you notice these behaviors, it is a red flag that you're dealing with a covert narcissist. You can go for years and years without realizing that you're dealing with a very toxic person. It is dangerous to stay around such toxic people because it damages your self esteem and keeps you in a downward trajectory, away from your true passions and purposes. Go No Contact with negative people. Keep your distance. Protect your heart and stay safe. You are valuable and you need to be treated with love and respect. Find people who build you up, not tear you down. Good people are out there. Keep growing.

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