Wednesday, July 20, 2016

100 Traits of Codependence

Codependency is an adaptive response to being abused as a child. It is caused by having your core childhood development needs go unmet. When your needs are unmet as a child, you develop codependency. This is a painful way of being where you try to seek worth--that is, the meeting of your unmet child development needs externally.

This is a painful state of being, that is, not knowing your true worth. It causes you to not value yourself, to not know your worth. Codependency is the abandonment of self, as it causes the child to become filled with toxic shame which causes it to feel worthless and unworthy of love and protection. In adulthood, this formerly abused child grows up to abuse his or her self through negative self talk (the Inner Critic) and negative relationship patterns.

According to renowned recovery expert, Pia Mellody, Codependency shows up on a continuum from  and feeling less than to greater than.

I've gathered a list of traits that I've noticed in my own life, in the life of family members and in other codependents I've met along the way. Let me know if these are familiar to you:

  1. Caring more about what other people think than what you think.
  2. Changing your mind when someone tells you that you should do something other than what you are doing. 
  3. Allowing another person to belittle and devalue your ideas, thoughts or feelings.
  4. Being more concerned about another person's feelings than your own feelings to the extent that you abandon yourself and put your needs last.
  5. Not taking care of your needs, but taking care of the needs of someone you love instead. 
  6. Sacrificing your inner truth in order to appease someone else you care about.
  7. Being afraid of abandonment to the extent that you adjust and reshape your needs to suit the needs of another person.
  8. Trying to become what someone wants you to become instead of being who you truly are.
  9. Answering questions that you don't want to answer just because you don't want to appear rude.
  10. Not wanting to rock-the-boat, so keeping quiet when your inner voice says to speak-up.
  11. Enabling another person to abuse, use and disrespect you.
  12. Failing to set boundaries with others in order to protect yourself.
  13. Over investing emotionally in a person who does not reciprocate interest in you.
  14. Falling in love easily.
  15. Staying in a relationship that you know is not right for you.
  16. Feeling obligated to help a friend even though it harms your life to do so.
  17. Saying yes all the time and being afraid to say no.
  18. Staying low to make other people comfortable.
  19. Choosing friends who belittle and one-up you.
  20. Allowing people in your life who treat you poorly and give you the silent treatment.
  21. Allowing other people to speak into your life without your permission.
  22. Speaking into other people's lives without permission.
  23. Busting other people's boundaries, or allowing others to bust your boundaries.
  24.  Being cut off from your own feelings
  25. Not trusting your own intuition.
  26. Believing the others know better than you about your own life.
  27. Being afraid to make decisions in your own life because someone is controlling you.
  28. Feeling emotionally out of control.
  29. Feeling severely depressed.
  30. Feeling like you have no say-so in a relationship.
  31. Hiding who you really are because you're ashamed of Who You Are.
  32. Feeling like you won't be locked if you set boundaries and take up for yourself.
  33. Allowing others to repeatedly disrespect or embarrass you in front of others without distancing yourself for withdrawing from the relationship.
  34. Allowing another person to insult your life decisions.
  35. Remaining in a relationship with someone who is abusive towards you.
  36. Feeling shame for existing.
  37. Saying you're sorry all the time.
  38. Having a feeling of low self-esteem
  39. Refusing to acknowledge your own needs.
  40. Feeling greater than or better than less than others.
  41. Fawning over people you think are better than you such as narcissist.
  42. Finding value in external sources such as your car, your body, your clothes, your social status.
  43. Feeling worthless because you don't measure up to others.
  44. Looking down on other people do you feel you are better than.
  45. Looking at people around you to determine how you are supposed to be.
  46. Idealizing others such as narcissists.
  47. Excessive care taking.
  48. Meeting the needs of others at your own expense.
  49. Allowing hurtful people close to you.
  50. Allowing your significant other to yell at you without seeing that as something wrong.
  51. Feeling like you deserve the abuse that someone else is giving you.
  52. Blaming yourself for everything that happens in a relationship or a fight.
  53. Returning to a relationship where you have been discarded in the past.  
  54. Allowing someone else to blame you for everything that goes wrong.
  55. Shaming yourself for not being perfect.
  56. Feeling guilty if you do anything nice for yourself. 
  57. Feeling shame for any of your feelings.
  58. Unsure of how you feel or think about a situation.
  59. Experiencing offensive Behavior and not recognizing it until later.
  60.  Exposing yourself to an addicted or otherwise toxic person even though it's uncomfortable for you. ie, treating a drug addict as though they are normal.
  61. Hanging around someone who ignores you and doesn't let you talk.
  62. Being drawn to takers who have nothing to give back.
  63. Allowing another person to sabotage your relationships.
  64. Isolate yourself.
  65. Avoid relationships altogether.
  66. Think you are better than or less than others.
  67. Measure your self worth by external things like cars, success, social status, money, looks, body.
  68. Feel that you will some day be worthy whenever you get married, find a man or woman, buy a new house, have a baby...
  69. Shame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life, even things you cannot control.
  70. Feel like you have to be perfect in order to be loved. 
  71. Allowing yourself to be manipulated and controlled.
  72. Offend other people by meddling in their business.
  73. Allow other people to needle you and ask you questions about your life.   
  74. Expecting other people to make you feel better.
  75. Making others responsible for your feelings.  
  76. Feel responsible for other people's feelings.
  77. Give to others until it hurts you to do so.
  78. Say yes when you really want to say no.
  79.  Saying, "things will eventually be okay," but allowing yourself to be over responsible for now while you're denying that you're handling stuff that doesn't belong to you.
  80. Doing things for others they can do for themselves.  
  81. Only feeling happy when you're in a relationship.
  82. Feeling depressed when the person you're addicted to leaves.
  83. Making excuses for people in your life who are selfish and abusive.
  84. Paying for things for others that they should be paying for themselves.
  85. Offering to do too much for other people in order to buy their love.
  86. Feeling obligated to be around someone who is hurtful or repulsive to you.
  87. Allowing another person to guilt trip you into taking some action.
  88. Compulsive people pleasing. 
  89. Giving people access to private parts of your life of which they have no business in.
  90. Telling someone every detail of your life so they can control you.
  91. Allowing someone to repeatedly abuse and hurt you.
  92. Not protecting yourself against bullies. 
  93. Not feeling you have the right to be protected. 
  94. Not knowing your own needs.
  95. Not knowing the difference between needing and wanting.
  96. Being overwhelmed by the emotions of others.
  97. Trying to solve the problems of everyone but yourself.
  98. Trying to control situations that are beyond your control.
  99. Feeling resentful when others do not return the kindness you bestow on them.
  100. Feel like a helpless victim.  

No comments:

Post a Comment