Thursday, May 22, 2014

Confronting the Liars In Your Life

One of the most pivotal processes in recovery from codependency, narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma, depression or mental illness is to confront the lies in your life. Through therapy I learned that many things I believed about myself and others were untrue. It was only after I discovered the truth for myself that I was able to see things clearly. The truth is the healing balm for whatever ails your soul, this is true.

Today I want to discuss confronting lies on a more granular level. Confronting the liars around you. Confronting the lies that other people tell you. Most of the people who read my work are people who are hurting, who have been abused, used, harmed and hurt their whole lives. We are on a journey to recovery, a journey to finding ourselves... 

In the process of finding ourselves, we must discover who we are not. We must also analyze the intricate interactions of our lives to figure out where and how we are deviating from our own personal truth. Believing the lies of others, or going along with lies without question damages your integrity, leaves you open for exploitation and takes you off your path to your Highest Good.

Personally, I've been screwed over by liars and manipulative people. I've been abused, exploited and harmed repeatedly. Why? It's because of the child abuse I endured from age 0-7 years. I was not taught to protect myself against unscrupulous blood suckers. In fact, I was trained to PLEASE these vampires instead. Talk about inside/out, upside/down. It has taken me a long time to sort out the ways I make myself vulnerable to those who wish me no good.

How do Lies harm you?
Why do you believe the Lies?

What is a Lie?

A lie is a falsehood (the opposite of truth) that someone else uses in order to get something from you without you knowing it. A lie is NEVER GOOD. Any time you recognize that someone is lying to you, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to call them out so as to protect the integrity of your True Self.

Types of Lies

Lying is diverse. A lie can be anything...
  • A promise to do something...
  • Flattering you...
  • Leaving out important facts...
  • Telling you things that are not true about themselves...
  • Faking empathy, compassion, care or concern...
  • Alluding to the potential of meeting your needs...
  • Making up stories...
  • Being 2-faced...
  • Sharing untruths about feelings...
  • Saying they don't remember (selective memory)...
  • Promising never to do it again...
  • Not telling you who they were with...
  • Leading you to believe they are one way when they are not...
 A lie is deception... yet, I've noticed a little nuance in my interactions with others... It seems that I tolerate and welcome lies from other people without question.

I was always taught not to confront others. As a child, I was taught that everyone else was right and I was wrong, which left no room for a lesson in assertiveness and confrontation when appropriate. Today, I noticed recently, that I tend to "go along with" lies that others tell me without stopping, trusting my truth and confronting the liar directly. Well, that's all about to change.

Healing and growth comes in spurts; for me, I've had to build myself up from utter demolition. Sometimes it takes granular work like this to lay hold of your personal truth and stand guard over it like a mother with her cubs. I am my own responsibility.

People will lie to you as long as you let them. If you don't confront another in their lies, their lies will continue. Some people don't play fair. They're all about power and control. People who are kind, compassionate, empathetic and naive falsely assume everyone is like they are... they can't fathom lying to gain advantage, so the thought that someone else would do it never crosses their minds. If you're a good person, you may not see what hits you--that's why good people like us need strong boundaries and assertive confrontation skills to keep our spirits from being thwarted by the lying serpents in our midst.

Not confronting a liar in your life can lead to DIRE CONSEQUENCES. Looking back on all the times I've been hurt by narcissists, emotional blackmailers and takers, I can see it all started with a series of lies. Had I taken a stand and confronted these people upfront, I would not have been so easily veered off the path of my personal truth.

Lies are meant to capture your attention and energies that should be moving toward your HIGHEST GOOD, and draw them for the sole benefit of the liar himself/herself. Lies are used because they work. It is relatively easy to tell a needy person everything he/she wants to hear and get them to forget who they are, where they're going and why they're here. If you want to protect yourself from abuse in the future, it's crucial that you start standing up to EVERY LIE you encounter. You cannot operate from your truth if you allow yourself to be corrupted by lies.

Who Lies to you?

Anyone can lie to you, in fact, I bet you can find lies all around you if you pay close attention. Get yourself a journal and start recording the lies you encounter from others day-to-day. Lies come from everywhere--especially if you never confront those who lie to you...
  • Children
  • Spouse
  • Clerk at Store
  • Date 
  • Parents
  • Siblings
  • Best Friend
  • Boyfriend/Girlfriend
  • Neighbor
  • Therapist
  • Television
  • Government
  • Media 
  • Church
  • Cults 
You name it! People all around you may potentially lie to you or tell you something that has the potential to alter your behavior in their favor, all the while not intending to follow-through, or expecting you to require them to.  In the civil and criminal courts, this is Fraud.

I'm not trying to turn you against your loved-ones, I'm just trying to get you to confront any and all lies in your life because going along with those who lie to you is like living your Life in the False Lane (definitely a good title for an article).

Why Confront a Liar? 

Confronting a liar is a mental boundary that will help you to stay centered in your truth instead of lead astray from your highest good... If someone lies to you, that person is trying to put one over on you. It may be your child. This doesn't mean they are evil, it means they need to be confronted. You cannot allow people to lie to you no matter how difficult it is to confront the bullshit.

How to Confront a Liar

Liars come in all shapes and sizes. Not all liars are slithering serpents that Adam and Eve discovered in Eden. Some liars are your cuddle partners, your fiance and even your best friend! How do you confront these "little white lies" and omissions in your life? Here's a list of tips:
  • Listen to what other people are telling you. 
  • Clarify the statement when someone tells you they'll be doing something for you.
  • Request confirmation of promises and facts.
  • Ask questions around the lie (this lets them know you're not gonna fall for it). 
  • Listen to your inner voice when it tells you not to believe what another is saying. 
Whatever you do, don't gloss over a lie and pretend you didn't notice it. These lies you gloss over form a giant clump from which you can be foisted from your self protective stance. A lot of lies can eventually topple you over completely. People can lie their way into your life, your bank accounts, your marriage and your bedroom. Put a stop to it as the keeper of your own soul. No more lies!

Why worry about the feelings of someone who is lying to you??? We must be much more concerned about the victim to the abusive lies, and that person is YOU. You are valuable and you deserve to be told the truth and you're not falling for bullshit lies.
  • You're not trying to sell me anything? Hmmm... Are you sure you're telling me the truth?
  • You're not going to Hawaii next month? Why did you tell me that you were?
  • If I join this group I will make a lot of money? How much money? Is there a chance I won't?
  • You didn't mean to allow your dog to bite me? Wow. This is a new habit your dog just learned?
  • How much do they love you at work? Are you really a shareholder?
People who will lie to you are people who want something from you. Anytime you're considering a new relationship, or new transition, be on the lookout for liars. Liars prey on the needy--strong, independent people are not likely to fall for the lies of the liar. Only people who are weak and feel insecure about confronting lies will end up victims of exploitation from everywhere around them.

Start watching for lies, confronting lies and setting boundaries accordingly. Do not tolerate lies. Do not stay with someone who continues to lie and violates your boundaries. Stick with the truth so YOUR TRUTH can flourish and outshine on every lie.

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