Saturday, October 19, 2013

Agendas in Relationship

Have you ever met someone whom you felt had an agenda? That perhaps they didn't like you for who you are, but rather, they wanted to get something out of you or from you? Have you ever treated another person that way? If you did, would you know it?
Let me give you an example. If you go to a church not because you like the doctrine, but rather, you like the people that go to the church, then that means you have an agenda. You are denying your truth, your true self, and you're going along for the fringe benefits that your False Self thinks it needs to feel worthy. When you do this you are in affect telling your own soul that having those people in your life is more important than honoring who you really are. This is a process of abandoning yourself, your truth, and leads to decreased self worth and self esteem. I recommend that you read this article first.

Have You Ever Had an Agenda?
  • Have you ever attended a church you didn't agree with merely because you liked the people? 
  • Have you ever hung onto a friend even though you didn't respect him or her as a person? 
  • Have you married someone for money? 
  • Kissed-butt to gain position in a social circle? 
  • Tried to have sex with a girl you didn't care about? 
  • Hung out with people you didn't like to get something you wanted?
  • Acted like you like someone in order to get them to do something for you?
All of these situations are examples of agendas in relationship. Some would argue that we all have agendas, however, I've found that this is not true. Many people have agendas. They do not relate with one another, but rather use each other to feed their egos and to try to indirectly fill their emptiness with what they think they need, but which never truly satisfies.

I think that people who have agendas--I'm guilty of having agendas in the past, though I try not to when I notice it--are wanting the wrong thing. Relationships are about SHARING LOVE, not getting something. If you are trying to GET SOMETHING from another person, you are missing the purpose of relationship altogether. You're missing the point of life! Love is about sharing. Having an agenda in a relationship is an indirect way of getting your needs met that never quite does the trick. Here, let me explain further...

Why Do We Have Agendas?

Agendas are an unhealthy way of trying to get your relational needs met. Having an agenda in relationship stems from an emptiness, low self-esteem, a low opinion of oneself. Agendas are the brainchild of the False Self, the mask, the part of the personality that doesn't feel worthy. This false self feels the need to "add to" you in order to make you adequate. This false self is constantly judging you, comparing you and ranking you to others. This false self tries its hardest to get you to morph your true self into the image that it thinks the whole world needs to see for you to be found worthy.
The reason we have agendas is to buy or earn worth, love and acceptance. It means we don't trust the world, life, God and the universe to deliver so we must connive, steal and manipulate to get what we need. The manipulation starts with hiding who we really are and trying to control externals that are out of our control instead of living with whatever outcome occurs.

The Root of Relational Agendas
  1. Lack of Self Love
  2. Lack of Trust in Life
  3. Inability to Detach
This is a lot of baggage to bring into any relationship, friend or lover. When you have an agenda, you are failing to be who you really are and you are basically conning people in the process. Your false self is in full force when you are not being true to yourself and others.

Real Relationships

A real relationship is fulfilling. A real relationship nourishes and meets the needs of both parties. A real relationship is one in which just being with THAT PERSON is sufficient. You're not using that person to gain recognition, get into higher circles, or to win anything other than mutual appreciation. In a real relationship each party is open to love, open to sharing and not concerned with who has what or what one can get from the other. Wow! How beautiful a true friendship, true romance and a true marriage can be. Mutual sharing, caring, acceptance and real loving. Like a glass of ice water on a hot, sweaty day.

What stops these real relationships from happening is our own insecurities. If you have a core belief that you need something added to your self in order to be "enough," then your friendships will likewise not be enough. 

If you do not feel good, comfortable and worthy in your own skin, your heart will always ache to seek that value outside of yourself. If you're seeking external value, you will be a crappy friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. That's not the way the world works. You must first find your own worth and value inside before you can relate with others in a fulfilling way.

A real relationship is about sharing the love that you have inside of your own heart for yourself with others. The way you treat yourself is how you will treat others. If you feel that you are adequate, enough and worthy of love, you will be able to rest in that knowledge and be a true person who is healthy to be around. You will share from your truth, from your heart, from a place of self respect that flows over into respect, encouragement and compassion for others.

The love that you have for yourself that you share with others is your most VALUABLE RESOURCE. It is this love that flows from inside of you that is the currency of truth and life. We are all dependent upon love, respect, honor, attention and affection. Without our basic emotional needs met we will suffer greatly.

It's sad, however, when those who need love the most--those who are most insecure and feel the most unworthy, are the most ill equipped to get what they need. It is only when you do the work of learning to Love Yourself (unless you already know it), that you can begin to unravel some of the core beliefs that keep you thinking you're unworthy of real, unconditional love.

Real Love & Real Friendship Feels Lacking To Some

When you feel like you're lacking within yourself, then real love and real friendship and real relationship--that is being together and engaging without an agenda, without trying to get anywhere, do anything or become anything more than one already is... when you feel lacking, you will not feel good relating in a healthy way. It may feel odd to just be yourself and engage with another who is just being themselves.

My advice to those who feel this way, including my own self sometimes, is to ride it out. Use those bad, icky feelings to help you understand where you need to heal. Lean into those feelings of discomfort at just being content in experiencing real exchange and let those feelings teach you what they have to say. Not all bad feelings are meant to be avoided. Some bad feelings are signals that you need to endure. On the other side you will find that your needs can get met without the agendas.

You don't need to add anything to you or anyone else to be worthy, whole, loved and free. Good luck!

No comments:

Post a Comment