103 Things Codependents Don't Know

This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. 

1. Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
2. Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
3. Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
4. Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
5. Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
6. Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
7. Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
8. Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
9. Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
10. Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
11. Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
12. Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin. 
13. Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
14. Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
15. Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
16. Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
17. Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
18. Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
19. Codependents don't know what their own values are.
20. Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
21. Codependents don't really know what they need.
22. Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
23. Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
24. Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
25. Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
26. Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
27. Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
28. Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time. 
29. Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
30. Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
31. Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
32. Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
33. Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
34. Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
35. Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
36. Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
37. Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
38. Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
39. Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
40. Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
41. Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
42. Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
43. Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
44. Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
45. Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation  because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
46. Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
47. Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
48. Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
49. Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
50. Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
51. Codependents do not know themselves.
52. Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
53. Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source. 
54. Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
55. Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
56. Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
57. Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
58. Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white. 
59. Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
60. Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
61. Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
62. Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
63. Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
64. Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
65. Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
66. Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
67. Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
68. Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
69. Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
70. Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
71. Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
72. Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
73. Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
74. Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
75. Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
76. Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
77. Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
    
78. Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
79. Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
80. Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
81. Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
82. Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
     
83. Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
84. Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
85. Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
86. Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
87. Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
88. Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
89. Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
90. Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
91. Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
92. Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
93. Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
94. Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance. 
95. Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
96. Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
97. Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
98. Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
99. Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
100. Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
101. Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
102. Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
103. Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.

Shame Attacks by the Inner Critic

The Inner Critic is an internalized version of your IMAGO, in other words, an introject of all the negative messages you received as a child. The Inner Critic is your Super Ego, which is in place to keep you in line. As a child this Inner Critic was formed out of the voice of your primary caretakers towards you. If your caretakers were mean, abusive, abandoning and rejecting, then you have a very strong Inner Critic inside your that is filling you with toxic shame and impeding on your life in a major way. It's like that abusive person or people live inside you today, no matter how long it has been. This is how our minds develop. It is true that the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice.

This Inner Critic is subconscious the creator of the False Self. The False Self is created in effort to appease the primary caretakers in childhood, and to try to help you get the love, attention and direction you so desperately need as a child in order to survive. Your inner critic is shaped in the opposite shape as your primary caretaker. I have found that the Inner Critic serves the following toxic functions:

• Keep you striving for external sources of validation.
• Keep you striving to be perfect.
• Keep you trying to obtain  love from abusive sources like you had to do in childhood. 
• Keep your true self from emerging because your true self and true feelings were shamed into hiding when you were a child.
• Keep you in line so you won't be abused anymore and so you keep getting conditional love. 
• Keep the Fantasy Bond alive between you and your primary caretaker and any other relationships formed after this model.

Ways the Inner Critic Shows Up

The Inner Critic is the author of toxic shame. When the Inner Critic is activated, it causes you to feel toxic shame, which is the carried shame of the shamelessness of your abusive primary caretaker. The Inner Critic objectifies you and cuts-you-down if you don't meet it's relentless conditions and demands. If you were abused badly enough, the IC can make you feel guilty for your very existence.

• When you feel worthless, the Inner Critic is behind the scenes subconsciously telling you why you're worthless. (ie: you are a failure, you're overweight, you're a pig, you're stupid, you're an idiot, you're unlovable, etc...)
•  When you look at yourself in the mirror, the Inner Critic is the voice inside you that says, your posture is not perfect, you have chicken legs, you are ugly, no one will ever want to be seen with you...
• When you get into your car, the Inner Critic is the voice that says things such as: You're a loser because your breaks are squeaking, your car is dirty, why are you always such a mess? 
• When you cook dinner, it's the Inner Critic that says, why don't you give up, you know you can't cook, what an idiot you are! You forgot the salsa, your cooking stinks, and you suck.
• When you're getting into a new relationship, it's the Inner Critic that says, No one will ever want you, you're not hot enough for that girl, she is going to see the real you and run, you have nothing to offer.
• When you're going on a job interview, the Inner Critic is the one that tells you you're going to fail, makes you feel anxious and spill the coffee on your tie. 

The Inner Critic is EVERYWHERE!!! It is the shaming voice that tells you to do something, then chides you for doing what it told you to do 2 minutes later. The Inner Critic is a voice that's trying to keep you in line, keep you in the bounds of the conditional love that you received in childhood. Just because you grow up doesn't mean it goes away. If you were raised in an abusive, neglectful, disrespectful and abandoning environment, this Inner Critic is alive and well inside you as an adult until you confront it and take it down with the power of unconditional love and acceptance. 

Ways to Dismantle the Inner Critic

1. Reparent yourself with positive self talk that incorporates unconditional love and self acceptance. 
2. Argue / answer the Inner Critic using logic.
3. Use logic to convince your Inner Child that the Inner Critic is wrong. 
4. Remind your Inner Child that you are safe, that it is 2016 and that you have resources you didn't have as a child that you can use today.
5. Tell the Inner Critic to "Shut the F up."
6. Take up for yourself against the Inner Critic.
7. Use insight and inner awareness to recognize the places the Inner Critic hides so you can meet it using your adult intellect. 

Here are ways to talk yourself through shame attacks by the inner critic:

• Remind yourself that you have worth and value regardless of your mistakes.
• Gently talk to yourself in a kind, compassionate and self accepting way.
• Make positive affirmations on a daily basis about who you truly are.
• Catch the Inner Critic in the act and begin to separate the Real You from the False Self.
• Use art therapy to draw out the different facets of the Inner Critic in your life.
• Use anchoring techniques to anchor good, positive thoughts and feelings in place of the old, painful and negative thoughts and feelings of the IC.
• Re-arrange your memories of past abuse by imagining scenarios that workout in your favor.
• Get the help of an expert therapist to help you dismantle the IC.
• Write down all your self critical thoughts so you know what they are; answer these thoughts with the truth that you are worthy and valuable even though your car is dirty.
• Keep a journal of your negative thoughts so you know what you're dealing with.
• Do mirror work where you overcome the negative, self-defeating thought patterns about yourself with positive thoughts and feelings. 
• Practice meditative techniques to let thoughts pass you by without dwelling on them.
• Use thought stopping techniques to stop thinking those awful thoughts or to deal with it later. 

The Inner Critic is not your friend. It does not make you better. You are a better person when you love yourself unconditionally, when you're not shaming yourself but instead you are encouraging yourself that you are good enough. The truth is, the IC is outmoded. You don't need it anymore. You needed this introject in place as a child growing up in an abusive, harsh environment, but you don't need it today--in fact, today it causes you undue pain and hardship. The only way to get free of the pain of the IC is to dismantle it and love yourself unconditionally. 

Feelings of Worthlessness Reflect How You Were Treated

Chronic feelings of worthlessness do not reflect who you are, it reflects how you were treated as a child. You feel how you were treated in your source relationships, not who you are. When we were treated poorly as children, we internalize the abuse as a way to stay bonded to our caretakers and to survive. We feel it is our fault, we take the blame and become codependent as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of knowing our caretakers are incapable and do not love us. It's as simple as that. When you feel worthless, it is a reflection of how you were treated when your identity was being formed in childhood. The truth is, you are worthy. How others treat you does not make you bad; it makes their actions bad towards you. The real you underneath is as valuable as ever.

It is only by externalizing the internalized negative attitudes and projections of the original source relationships that we can heal and see the truth that we were innocent then, and are innocent now. It was not our fault that we were treated as worthless. It was not our fault that we were devalued. It was not our fault that we were neglected, ignored or abandoned. It was not our fault that we were beaten, shamed and abused. None of these actions were our fault, but we took everything on as if it were... we had to think our caretakers were like gods in order to survive. If we wish to thrive as adults, then we must reverse the logic of our childlike thinking, and see that it wasn't a reflection on who we are. The actions of those who hurt us as children reflect the character of the abusers, not the character of us as innocent children.

Unraveling this line of thoughts is liberating to the adult. When we can finally see who we really were, then we can begin to love ourselves. When we realize that we are not worthless, but rather, worthy of everything we deserve, we can begin to set better boundaries and make better choices to protect ourselves from abuse today.

You are valuable. You are worthy. Every feeling of unworthiness you feel today is unwarranted. Your unworthy feelings are just a reflection of how someone you loved, trusted and depended on treated you as though you were a worthless piece of trash. No, it wasn't on purpose. Your caretaker had their own issues and passed those onto you. The truth is, you matter and you belong on this planet. You have the right to stand up and take ownership of your humanity. You have a right to exist and be happy.

How to Stop Loving the Narcissist & Start Loving Yourself (Video)

100 Ways to Let Go

Letting go is about releasing control or the perception of control. Giving up personal control of all these things on the list below. Keep in mind... I am not shaming myself for thinking in old maladaptive ways. I'm not reprimanding myself at all.

I'm using my toolbox of skills to remedy holding on and trying to control. I'm using positive affirmations to combat the inner critic. I'm using thought stopping techniques to put the inner critic in its place. I'm also using meditative skills to just let the feeling or thought pass by; to notice it and allow it to be there.

Respecting myself without having to act or shame myself for feeling or thinking in old ways. I'm stopping myself from obsessing, from ruminating, from being a victim of all these thoughts that are the antithesis of well being.

I'm not shaming myself for holding on; I'm noticing and letting go the best that I can, giving myself lots of grace. This is an important distinction. Non judgement. Letting things be as they are. Accepting reality for what reality is. That is Letting Go. I invite you to let go of these things if you need to. Feel free to add to the list. I could go to 200. :)

1. I let go of trying to make people understand me who don't have the capacity to understand me.
2. I let go of the need to be perfect.
3. I let go of my inner critic telling me I'm not good enough.
4. I let go of trying to impress other people.
5. I let go of trying to cover up my pain with substances, people, behaviors or activities.
6. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
7. I let go of having to be right.
8. I let go of proving myself.
9. I let go of people pleasing.
10. I let go of the compulsion to put myself beneath others.
11. I let go of the compulsion to look down on others.
12. I let go of the need to stay busy all the time.
13. I let go of my false self.
14. I let go of the pain I've felt for so long.
15. I let go of the need to prove that I'm unlovable.
16. I let go of my fear of abandonment.
17. I let go of my fear of rejection.
18. I let go of my need to have someone love me no matter how cruel they are to me.
19. I let go of my need to have a perfect body.
20. I let go of my need to be accepted by those who are unaccepting of me.
21. I let go of my aversion to kindness and love.
22. I let go of living in the future or the past.
23. I let go of defining myself by my material possessions.
24. I let go of trying to prove that I'm right.
25. I let go of trying too hard.
26. I let go of toxic relationships.
27. I let go of relationships that are for show but offer nothing.
28. I let go of trying to get the love that I never got in childhood.
29. I let go of my need to please the unpleasable.
30. I let go of my need to be strong so that I can grieve.
31. I let go of hiding from myself.
32. I let go of hiding from my vulnerability.
33. I let go of hiding from my pain.
34. I let go of trying to get affirmation from outside sources.
35. I let go of ignoring my deepest intuition.
36. I let go of being afraid of what others think of me.
37. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by others. 
38. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by myself.
39. I let go of the shame I feel for the abuse I've endured.
40. I let go of the shame I feel for the progress I've made.
41. I let go of the shame for my success.
42. I let go of the shame for my failures.
43. I let go of feeling like I am bad, worthless, unlovable.
44. I let go of feeling guilty for things outside of my control.
45. I let go of feeling toxic shame for my mistakes.
46. I let go of needing to control others opinions of me.
47. I let go of needing to give advice to other people without being asked.
48. I let go of feeling pity for those who are abusive towards me. 
49. I let go of taking the blame for all the problems in my relationships.
50. I let go of giving too much in relationships.
51. I let go of taking too little in my relationships.
52. I let go of hiding my needs to make other people comfortable.
53. I let go of saying yes when I mean no.
54. I let go of automatically agreeing that others are right and I am wrong.
55. I let go of blindly following people without checking with my heart first.
56. I let go of feeling sorry that I'm taking up air to breathe.
57. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's feelings.
58. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's life problems.
59. I let go of negative emotions that keep me from myself.
60. I let go of eating to soothe emotional pain.
61. I let go of exercising to be perfect and accepted.
62. I let go of degrading myself in order to motivate myself.
63. I let go of judging others.
64. I let go of judging myself.
65. I let go of seeing myself as all good or all bad (black and white).
66. I let go of people who shame me.
67. I let go of labels and stereotypes for myself and others.
68. I let go of trying to get love from those who have no love to give.
69. I let go of allowing myself to be abused.
70. I let go of my old story.
71. I let go of trying to prove myself to people who are rejecting.
72. I let go of rejecting people.
73. I let go of ignoring my needs.
74. I let go of keeping the peace at the cost of my self esteem.
75. I let go of pleasing others while abandoning myself.
76. I let go of the fear of anger in others.
77. I let go of the need to suffocate my own anger which is there to protect me.
78. I let go of denying my feelings.
79. I let go of ignoring myself while taking care of others.
80. I let go of taking care of those who can take care of themselves.
81. I let go of being controlled by others.
82. I let go of ignoring my truth.
83. I let go of being easily persuaded against my truth.
84. I let go of idealizing others.
85. I let go of the need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile.
86. I let go of feeling unworthy of love.
87. I let go of accepting abusive behavior.
88. I let go of settling for crumbs.
89. I let go of giving myself away.
90. I let go of allowing my inner child to be unprotected.
91. I let go of shaming myself for my needs.
92. I let go of being silent when I need to speak.
93. I let go of being compliant when I'm being disrespected.
94. I let go of the need to keep peace at all costs.
95. I let go of what other people need me to be for their own benefit.
96. I let go of being exploited.
97. I let go of self criticism.
98. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
99. I let go of addiction to people.
100. I let go of people who can't love me for who I am.
101. I let go of the need to perform for accusers.
102. I let go of the need to over give to abusive people.
103. I let go of the need to comply with bullies. 
104. I let go of the need to be controlled by others.
105. I let go of the habit of putting myself down for my imperfections.
106. I let go of comparing myself to others.
107. I let go of using outer circumstances to determine my internal worth.
108. I let go of ignoring my needs.

Self Care - How to Take Care of Yourself

How to Let Go of An Ex Who Is Rejecting You and is Bad for You | How to Stop Loving Your EX

Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU

A Good Person vs. A Narcissist

Are you someone who has been abused by a malignant narcissist? If so, then you may need a little help in discerning who is good for you, and who will only use and discard you.

A good man or woman has real feelings and shows weaknesses, and this is unattractive to someone who is attracted to the perfection of the narcissist. A narcissist has fake feelings and pretends to be perfect. This feeds into our own feelings of inadequacy. Somehow we think they will externally make up for what we're missing internally.

The narcissist is perfect in a way because he or she does not have feelings. That does give them an advantage over others, but it is not conducive to a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship. Plus, deep down inside the narcissist is empty, alone, fearful and in constant need of narcissistic supply from others. Yet, those of us who are wounded internally are unconsciously seeking a relationship with someone who will not have feelings for us because we are trying to:

1. Repeat the abuse from our childhood and fix it (repetition compulsion).
2. Verify ourselves as unlovable, thus proving ourselves right.
3. Learned behavioral habit due to drama triangle and/or trauma bonds.

You have to know how to walk away. Be willing to stand for what you want over wanting to keep the relationship going. You have to love yourself more than you love the idea of being in a relationship with any person. You have to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that is not nourishing to you. Your dignity must be non-negotiable or you will stay where you are forever and never find and receive the love you deserve. The time is now to figure out what it is inside of you that is attracted to someone who can never give you the love you need and want.

Self Abandonment 

The reason you're susceptible to the narcissist's lies is because there is something about your own self from which you are disconnected. If you are caught up in the narcissistic trance, then you are abandoning yourself in some way. You are not aligned with source inside yourself, with the truth of who you are if you fall for the narcissist's trap. You are unaware of your own ability to complete yourself if you are prone to narcissistic abuse. You are not looking for real love if you fall for a narcissist; you are looking for conditional love to fill up a missing part of yourself that should have been filled in childhood between the ages of 0 to 7 years old.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional way, you may have had difficulties your whole life in feeling "normal." Perhaps you've looked around to see what normal is, only to find advertisements of perfect people, and seemingly perfect relationships between perfectly suited people all around you. Maybe, in effort to be normal and perfect, you're unconsciously trying to get someone in your life who fits your skewed vision of normality and okay-ness.

Maybe deep down, you have a false core belief that you're not as good as other people, but that if you could just obtain a "perfect" and "normal" relationship with one of these perfect people, that you can finally love yourself. That is a version of "If I could just... then I will be okay."

So you set out to find love for yourself externally, through the perfect narcissist. In essence, the narcissist is not a person to you either. Just like the narcissist objectifies you, you objectify the narcissist by making him or her a psychological construct for you to feel better about yourself. This will never work. You can only love yourself by doing the hard work within your own heart for yourself, by yourself and with yourself. Self Love is the only answer to narcissistic abuse.

A good person, a real person who offers true, unconditional love and who has real feelings may not be interesting to you if you are one who has abandoned yourself by trying to get externally what only comes from within. A good person may be repulsive to you if you do not feel good about yourself. You think you need someone to substantiate your worth externally--this is something that the narcissist promises to do but fails to deliver. A good person who is capable of loving you will not promise directly or indirectly to make up for the things you lack. Since what you are needing is to love yourself, you will forever fall prey to the narcissistic personality and narcissistic abuse until you learn to give yourself what you're needing and to stop abandoning yourself for the promises of grandeur you receive from the narcissist.

• Real people are NOT PERFECT. 
• Real people will show weakness.
• Real people will not say everything you want to hear.
• Real people may seem weak.
• Real people share real feelings.
• Real people may not be in awe of you like the narc is at first. 
• Real people may not be as smooth or slick.
• Real people may be a little nervous and rickety. 
• Real people are terrible at playing games.

 A real person is the only type of person who can give you the love you need. If you have something skewed internally, as in, a negative core belief that you are worthless, then you may not be able to receive the real, unconditional love that a real person has to offer. Herein lies your work. Learning to overcome negative core beliefs with the truth of who you are. Learning to let real love in by first loving yourself. Staying present with yourself and unlearning the behaviors and patterns that keep you trapped in the unhealthy trance of loving the narcissist who can never love you back. Learn to recognize the warning signs and protect yourself against narcissists in the future.

Good people are everywhere. Love is all around you. The key for you is to love yourself first so that you can recognize real love, real empathy and real compassion whenever it comes your way.

Good luck! 

JLR

5 Steps for Protecting Yourself From Future Narcissists

It is not always easy to recognize a narcissist. This is because the narcissist is very charming and flattering and seems to be everything you want in another person at first. When you are swept up in the narcissists lair, you are like a mouse with a lot of cheese in a mouse trap. You just can't resist until the trap snaps and you're caught.

Narcissists are especially adept at picking up on cues that you need something. Perhaps you have unmet needs left over from childhood. Maybe you feel insecure, unworthy, unlovable, or like something is wrong. The narcissist picks up on this and begins to feed you in the ways that you need. He gives you compliments about things you were uncertain about before. He seems to hang on your every word--which really fills your need for attention. She makes you feel she values you, which helps you to feel like a valuable person. When the narcissist is idealizing you, it feels euphoric. It can literally make you high because of the chemical hormones your body secretes.

This feeling of getting your needs met it very short lived. Eventually the narcissist will discard you and it will erase everything. Not only will you be left with the pain of the original feelings of insecurity, but you will be left with the pain that while you thought you were valuable when he or she was loving you, all that was not true. Hence, you are wounded a thousand times and the hurt is very deep.

You must protect yourself from this happening again. I can't promise you it won't happen, but I promise you that you'll get wiser during this process.

Step 1: Face Reality

The first part of healing from the narcissist is to face reality. This is hard to do, but it is the ultimate necessity for getting out of the Sweet / Mean Cycle Trap. Read this article to learn more about Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You.

Step 2: No Contact

The only way to deal with a malignant narcissist is NO CONTACT.  No contact means NO CONTACT. This means remove the narcissist and all their fawns from your social media accounts. Forget his phone number. Block him from your life 100%. No exceptions. Every time you engage with the narc, he gets an ego boost and you get stabbed in the heart. Put a stop to this immediately. If you contact the narcissist or allow contact, you are the one who is hurting yourself. Stop that.

Step 3: Get Help for Your Issues 
There is a reason you fell for a narcissist. Chances are, you have a narcissistic parent or you're codependent or in some way maligned from childhood development. Maybe you were abused as a child or were raised in a dysfunctional family? Whatever the case, now is the time to get some help for whatever ails you. Seek out a quality therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse. Unless you get help for the parts of you that weakens you to the narcissist's manipulation, you will be prone to fall for another narcissist and get hurt all over again.
 
Step 4: Fortify Yourself

Now is the time to fortify yourself. This means you need to build ego-strength. You need to fill in the holes within yourself that make you susceptible to the narcissist's abuse and manipulation. You need to become whole in yourself so that you don't need anything that the narc tries to provide. This means you have strong boundaries and you know how to set limits. This means you know how to assert your needs and expect to get your needs met. A whole person does not easily fall for the narcissist.

Step 4: Get in Tune with Your Intuition

Your intuition will tell you who is right and who is wrong. Unfortunately, many of us ignore our intuition completely. If you had difficulties growing up, you may have an intuition that is off the mark. You need to get really strong at paying attention to your inner feelings and instincts as these are a protection against unscrupulous users.

Step 5: Learn to Discern Real From Fake

Real love is sustaining. When someone really cares about you, there are certain words they use, things they say, things they do that make them real. The real person is not perfect... does not say everything just how you want to hear it. The real person will show weaknesses--the fake person will hide weaknesses and show you only what you want to see. Learn to appreciate the realness of others and gravitate to people who are capable of real unconditional love and empathy.

There you have it. The five steps. There is lots involved with these 5 steps, perhaps I'll do a video and more articles on this topic. Would love to hear from you if this article is helpful, or if you have other questions. Follow us on Facebook. Join our Facebook Group and love yourself more every day.

~ Jenna

Understanding that the Narcissist Doesn't Love You

One of the most difficult things about being abused by a malignant narcissist is coming to terms with the fact that the person never really loved you or even cared about you at all. Even though this is difficult, it is something you must face courageously, as thinking that they have real feelings will only lead you into a trap. It is only when you face the truth that you can get out of the trap, no matter how hard the truth is to accept.

Idealization / Discard

When you're in love with a malignant narcissist, you are not in love with a real person; you're in love with the illusion that the narcissist created for you. The narcissist puts on a front and acts like everything you want and need them to be until--SURPRISE!!! The narcissist gets you where he or she wants you, then changes into a completely different person... cold, dismissive, hateful, mean, deceitful and unloving. It is quite shocking. It knocks you off balance. This is precisely what the narcissist wants. It is during the "discard" stage that the narcissist starts taking the narcissistic supply that he or she has been grooming you to give.

The narcissist will set you up. Make you think he or she is everything you want, then drop you like a piece of trash. This is well documented all over the internet. I recommend you look it up because I am not going to explain it in detail here... I'm going to talk about how to deal with it instead.

This is called the sweet/mean cycle, or technically, intermittent reinforcement. This is a manipulative tactic that the narcissist performs instinctively, sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing what they're doing. Some narcissists are blatant about it, other narcissists show their mean cycle covertly, subtly so that you can barely tell what's going on, but you know you feel awful.

Intermittent reinforcement does a number on you psychologically. You never know if the person is going to be an asshole, or nice to you. This process causes addiction to set in, just like a slot machine. You literally become addicted to putting a coin in the narcissists slot to see what you're going to get back. Unfortunately, there is no jackpot. You will always, always, always lose... until you learn to let go and forget about them.

All the while you thought your dreams were coming true, but in reality, you were being groomed to give attention to the narcissist. The narcissist becomes everything you want so that you will pine for him or her long after their gone. Your begging, pining, longing and inability to let go feeds the narcissist like a shot of heroin feeds the addict. 

• No, the narcissist doesn't care how you feel.
• No, the narcissist doesn't feel badly for what he or she did to you.
• No, the narcissist doesn't think about you and your good times together.
• No, the narcissist is not impressed by how good you look.
• No, the narcissist is not thinking about you.
• No, the narcissist does not feel guilty.

What does the narcissist feel about you once you're in the discard stage? Ha. It's not pretty...

• This feels good that he or she is calling me and begging me to care.
• I can't believe this weakling really thought someone as great as me would want to be with him.
• Ha ha ha, she's calling again. I'm so glad I have something she wants. I'm not giving it to her.
• I can't wait to meet another man... in fact, there's a man right there.
• Who? I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
• This feels good that someone I think is a piece of shit is calling me all the time. I'm so wonderful.
• I've got him where I want him.  

Allow Yourself to Feel

When the narcissist hurts you and leaves you, you must allow yourself to feel the sadness. Move through the sadness by allowing yourself to express it. Then, nurture yourself through the process, reminding yourself that the person does not know how to love, cannot treat you right and that the person is bad for you. Dangerous for you. It's important to feel and express your feelings--but NEVER to the narcissist. Sharing how you feel with the narcissist is like feeding a shark blood. It will make them happy and it will make them despise you all the more. Share with a therapist or a trusted friend. Allow yourself to grieve your loss... loving yourself the whole way.

The Vampire is Back!

Now, sometimes it gets confusing because the Narcissist may come back to you. This is because the narcissist always returns to their victims to reopen the wound and seek more secondary narcissistic supply. Rest assured, the narc already has another man or woman on the side that he or she is grooming, but just coming back to you to get you whirling around again in their trap. This process can go on for years. In order to protect yourself, you've got to quit believing that the narcissist thinks like you, has a heart like you, and really cares like you. You have to take care of yourself and let go of the black hole of a heart that is the narcissist.

Evil. Pure evil. It's a travesty to love for someone to use your love like a knife against you.  I'm sorry if you're going through this. I know how badly it hurts, but you've got to be strong and let go. Walk away and never, ever, ever look back. I want to talk about how to take care of yourself when this happens. The first thing you must do when you realize you're in love with a narcissist who has discarded you is to realize that the person you thought cared about you doesn't really exist. It is in facing this fact that you can begin to see things as they are. Face reality as soon as you can. No matter how bad it hurts, once you face this fact, it becomes easier every day to let go.

It's hard to believe that someone who was so perfect and awesome to you... someone who seemed to worship the ground you walked on... someone who was so compatible, giving, loving, caring... someone who showed you in so many ways that they truly needed and cared for you... that this person no longer feels like this. I know how hard it is to face that the person you thought you knew is gone. He never really existed.

She only became who you needed to win you over. She faked her display of feelings for you. She mirrored you in order to get into your heart. She has no feelings other than feelings for herself. She is incapable of love, incapable of empathy. She has no guilt, remorse or feelings for you AT ALL. All you are to the narcissist is an object to be used. All you are to the narcissist is a tub of narcissistic supply. Someone to whine and cry and want her back. She doesn't feel for you when you are in pain. In fact, the malignant narcissist actually enjoys hurting you. Every time you hurt and share your hurt with her, she gets a self-esteem boost. She is sadistic, evil and off to her next victim while you're left in shock, hurting, pining and longing for what you had. It's so hurtful! There is nothing you can do.

All you can do is let go and let go now. The sooner you face the truth, the sooner you can let go and begin to protect yourself from falling for a narcissist in the future. Read my article 5 Steps for Protecting Yourself Against Narcissists.

My Journey from Child Abuse Recovery to Self Love (Jenna Video)

Character

People unfold. True character shows itself in time. Loving yourself is about protecting yourself from people who are self-absorbed and toxic... and about surrounding yourself with healthy people and reciprocal relationships. Don't mistake a good personality for character. Just because someone volunteers, serves, gives to the poor, looks like a star, drives a nice car, dresses snazzy--doesn't mean they have what it takes to relate with you in a healthy way. You've got to give people time to show you who they are, especially those who are good at hiding behind masks of perfection. heart emoticon Jenna

Here's a great article to that effect by the insightful Natalie Lue at Baggage Claim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theres-a-difference-between-personality-and-character/

Rejecting Behavior in Relationships

One of the epiphanies discovered on my road to loving myself is how to steer clear of relationships that are harmful and that deplete my self esteem, sense of worth and self respect. As a child I grew up in an invalidating environment; this means that I wasn't accepted for who I am. When you grow up being rejected, you continue seeking out people who will reject you when you're an adult, until and unless you wake up and put a stop to old habits.

While blooming into a whole, complete, healed person, I slowly figured out what rejecting behavior is. I was so accustomed to being discounted, devalued, dismissed by my caretakers as a child, as an adult I didn't even realize I was being rejected when I was. All I knew was that I hurt inside, felt depressed and had low levels of self esteem.

I'm writing this article to encourage you, dear reader, if you're battling to love yourself and to grow into a whole and complete person with self acceptance. Below I list some indications of rejection from others, but first, let me say that YOU DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED. You do not deserve to be rejected in any way shape or form. You do not have to tolerate rejecting behavior of others. You are an adult today (if you're reading this, I assume) and you can take action to PROTECT yourself from rejection.

Rejection depletes your self esteem, makes you feel ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. Some people have very rejecting attitudes inside themselves about themselves, as well is about others. These are not bad people, per say, but they have toxic styles of relating which need to be remedied. If you love yourself you will require that everyone around you accept you for who you are, or else you will not stick around. You do have a choice. Always choose your dignity over a rejecting relationship.

Subtle Rejection

Rejection can be very subtle and sometimes covert. It's not always going to hit you upside the head. You will notice, however, when in the presence of a rejecting person, that you feel icky after being around them. When you feel uneasy about being around someone, there could be some undercurrent of rejection that you're not consciously aware of.

Mixed Messages

Rarely will you be wholly rejected by another person. Of course, all but those with zero self esteem will walk away from a relationship where you get nothing but rejection. Oftentimes a person who treats you with rejecting behavior will do so with mixed messages. IE: Come close, get away. This is a game that people play when they are insecure and fearful of intimacy, or have some psychological need to make themselves feel superior by putting you out.

If you grew up in a rejecting environment, you may also feel compelled to fix the opinion of someone who rejects you in adulthood as a way of repairing the wound that occurred when you were first rejected. This is what Freud calls the "Repetition Compulsion." This may cause you to seek out rejecting partners who will end up hurting you in the end. In fact, you may feel more comfortable with rejecting people than you do with those who accept you--that is if you are already rejecting yourself.

In fact, you would only tolerate rejecting behavior in others toward you if you already reject yourself in that same way. Rejecting behavior would feel bizarre and awkward to someone who loves and accepts herself or himself. The goal in growth and self love should be to feel it in your gut when someone is rejecting, cold and invalidating toward you. 

• Keeps records of your mistakes. Keeps them in one-up, superior position and looking down on you. 
  
• Refuses to listen to your truth. If someone refuses to listen to you, this is very rejecting behavior. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not flexible enough to hear things they don't want to hear from you.
  
• Runs hot and cold. See mixed messages. Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde Syndrome. One minute they're nice and sweet, the next their raging and insensitive.
  
• Does not consider your feelings. Does whatever they want without considering the impact to your feelings. This is rejection of your humanity when it is done continually despite you letting that person know that it hurts you.
  
• Blames you for everything. Does not take responsibility for their behavior. This is also rejecting of your humanity. No person is perfect. If they think they're perfect then you can bet they'll be projecting their imperfections they can't accept onto you--steer clear.
  
• Makes sarcastic comments about your life. A rejecting person looks down on you. You can tell by the little comments they make when you're expressing things about your life. They may make comments that make you feel like you have to prove yourself.
  
• Positions themselves as higher than you. A rejecting person wrongfully ranks others as greater or lesser than themselves. They may have a need to put you down as they use that to increase their self esteem, albeit temporarily. 

 

Catch Myself

The first time I did this self soothing thing, it freaked me out. I had been healing and dealing with my wounds, then I started going into a shame spiral one day... like I always did for years, feeling bad, putting myself down, reminding myself of how bad my life was, saying I was just going to fall down the pit and DIE. I actually caught myself saying this!!! Then, all of the sudden, driving down the road in Frisco, Texas, I heard a voice in my own heart say, "NO YOU WON'T." It was the sweetest, most loving voice I'd ever heard. It was MY OWN VOICE INSIDE. I couldn't believe it. My kind voice cradled me. It caught me. It stopped me from falling. This was the most beautiful experience... This voice speaks to me every day now. It's beautiful and you need to find your own. 


Inner Healing: Catching Myself

I keep catching myself;
not throwing back,
don't even know why I'm in the air--
but at least I'm catching myself
and it feels much better
than hitting the ground. 

Jenna Ryan
2012 

Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

How to Find Your Core Truth

Group Member asked: "I still don't know what my truth is though. How do you get in touch with your core truth? One 'truth' to me is just as true and another 'truth'. This is where I am stuck in my recovery."
My Answer: Your core truth is the core of who you are. It is that part of you that no one can ever take away. Your truth is beneath your wounds, your false beliefs, your codependency, your symptoms. It is the truth of who you are, connected with the source of life, your higher power. Your truth is all knowing. Inside your heart you hold the answers to everything you need to function. Your core truth is pure love, pure joy, pure bliss.

This truth can be hidden, but it cannot be destroyed. This is the hope of recovery, to find this truth buried on the inside of you, beneath the pain, the maladaption, the addictions and mental illness. The goal of healing is to find this truth in all its forms and manifestations and to live from it, rather than attaching to outside sources or from your wounded layers. 

Those of us who suffer from codependency have not been taught to access our truth. We were taught to hide our truth, that our truth is nonexistent, that our cognitions and view of reality is wrong. We were invalidated. We were taught to mistrust ourselves and to give our power over to our caretakers (who were likely taught the same faulty way).

You can find your truth by being aware that you have a truth, and trusting that you do have truth inside of you. Your True Self. You may need a therapist to help you figure this part out, that is, how you feel, what you believe and whether your feelings are based in now or are pent-up emotions that are frozen inside.

When I did this process, that of unfolding my true self, it was one of the most magical part of my healing. I could literally picture my true self buried in the treasure chest of my heart, beneath the pain, anger, hurt and confusion. I pictured the real me banging on the sides of the box that held me down. I imagined myself unfolding and coming to life... which means, expressing and feeling my authentic truth for the first time.

It is an ongoing endeavor to locate your truth when you've gone through the things we've gone through. I learn new parts of myself every day that I never realized I had. Your truth holds things that you need to function appropriately in all facets of life. When you release bits of your truth from the captivity of hiding, suddenly you find that you're able to function in areas that you never could before.

As you go beyond your initial awakening and move into proper functioning you encounter lots of bleeps along the way. I now know that any issues or difficulties I'm having stems from my disconnection from my own truth. Lately I'm learning (through mindfulness) to listen to the voice inside myself. Not only to listen, but to HEED, validate and honor my gut instincts.

Fear of Abandonment

Loving Yourself and fear of abandonment do not mix. A person who loves themselves does not fear being abandoned. If you have a fear of abandonment, it means you do not love yourself. The two are mutually exclusive. If you panic at the thought of being rejected and abandoned by the one you love, and it causes you to cling and create a fantasy-bond, then you can be sure that you and your relationship are headed off a cliff.

When a child is wounded through neglect or abuse, his boundaries are violated. This sets the child up for fears of being either abandoned or engulfed. When he has a sense of self-value and self confidence, he doesn't fear being abandoned. 

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming"

No one can love you if you fear they'll leave you. Love is the absence of fear. Love casts out fear. Love ebbs and it flows. The tide comes in and the tide goes. You can't be afraid of the natural order of life... Learn to let go.

You have to face your fear of abandonment, go with it to the pit, see that it won't kill you to be abandoned. You will rise again. You're like the Terminator. Abandonment won't kill you--but the fear of it will destroy your relationships and self esteem.

Breathe deep & stand firm. Hold yourself when you're afraid. Remember you're not a fragmented part, you are a whole person with a whole life ahead of you. You may have been abandoned as a child, but that can never happen again. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself. The only one who can abandon you now is you.

Great article on healing the abandonment core wound: The Spirit of Ma'at - Abandonment Abyss.

Part 2: 100 Ways to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

Part 1: Losing Yourself in Relationship

Losing yourself sucks. Believe me, I know. I've lost myself by following my own whims... Finding yourself is much better. Once you do find yourself, make sure you never again do these things:

100 Ways to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

1. Idealizing your partner and thinking of him/her all the time, ignoring yourself. 
2. Trying to please your partner instead of standing your ground.
3. Bending your identity to become what you think your partner wants.
4. Letting hormones take over and letting your physical boundaries go too soon.
5. Trusting too much in someone who has not proven to be trustworthy yet.
6. Overlooking behavior that is abusive or unacceptable. 
7. Thinking wishfully about a future that is yet to be determined. 
8. Overthinking the relationship, making it the central concern of your life.
9. Thinking that a relationship will be the cure for all your problems. 
10. Allow him or her to manipulate you in any way.
11. Ignoring your own feelings, thoughts and beliefs while focusing on his or hers.
12. Fantasizing about how things could be instead of seeing what really is. 
13. Believing the lie that another person can make you happy.
14. Thinking too much about him or her, ignoring your own needs. 
15. Not speaking your truth for fear of rejection from the one you supposedly love. 
16. Failing to set boundaries with your lover which serve as markers for your identity. 
17. Willingness to go with the flow, ignoring your inner truth just to keep the peace. 
18. Allowing yourself to believe that this person is your world.
19. Failing to keep your own interests intact. 
20. Stop communicating with your friends.
21. Playing up all your shortcomings while pumping up that of the one you "love." 
22. Being afraid to make your partner angry for fear he or she will leave you. 
23. Not standing up for yourself. 
24. Needing approval from outside yourself.
25. Trying to get needs met by your partner that should have been met in childhood. 
26. Playing games with your partner by, playing the victim, persecutor or rescuer. 
27. Getting overly emotionally involved with your partner, not leaving anything left for you.
28. Competing with other people in your partners life, including exes. 
29. Changing for your partner.
30. Trying to change your partner. 
31. Trying to fix your partner. 
32. Trying to control your partner--attempting to make him or her love you. 
    
33. Holding on when you should be letting go.
34. Failing to detach as the natural ebb and flow of a healthy relationship requires.
35. Clinging onto your partner, following his or her every action. 
36. Being afraid you will lose your partner. 
37. Allowing yourself to become obsessed with the object of your affection.
38. Seeking your worth from the one that you love. 
39. Disengaging from your usual interests.
40. Doing every single thing together.
41. Spending every waking moment together. 
42. Sacrificing your values in order to stay in relationship. 
43. Being afraid to share your needs and wants. 
44. Not setting limits on the behavior or your love. 
45. Allowing your partner to abuse you without consequences. 
46. Being desperate. 
47. Thinking that you don't deserve this person.
48. Not loving yourself enough to stay strong, grounded and connected inside--to yourself. 
49. Avoiding topics of dissension with your partner, even those that are important to you. 
50. Expecting your partner to do all the thinking. 
51. Quitting your job and becoming financially dependent on your partner. 
52. Filling up your emptiness with your partner instead of learning from your own pain. 
53. Compromising your principals in order to make your partner happy.
54. Enabling your partner to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, etc...
55. Question everything you do. Ruminate about your so-called "mistakes."
56. Going along with whatever he or she says, even when you disagree.
57. Allowing your partner to tell you how you should feel, be or act. 
58. Tolerating useless criticism or rants that are hurtful to you. 
59. Ignoring rude behavior. 
60. Forgetting the things you used to love to do.
61. Thinking if you could just love that person enough, he would see that you are perfect. 
62. Thinking he or she has just never been loved, once they get a bit of your love, all is well. 
63. You make excuses for his or her bad attributes. 
64. You're dating a bad boy.
    
65. He's married.
66. You settled.
67. He/she keeps you sober. 
68. Keep on wanting him after he/she rejects you.
69. Keep thinking he/she is the best thing that ever happened to you in your life. 
70. Try to hide your flaws and appear perfect all the time. 
71. Beat yourself up (self talk) for always saying the wrong thing. 
72. Avoid expressing your dissenting opinion. 
73. Be afraid of them rejecting you and leaving you if you show your true self. 
74. Fear rejection. 
75. Hide your true self. 
76. Spend inordinate amounts of time scheming about how to get him to do something. 
77. Make every single waking thought about you involve him somehow. 
78. Try to relive the fantasy of receiving the unconditional love you never got. 
79. See his / her potential rather than their right here and now. 
80. Ignore red flags.
81. Always take the blame. 
82. Idolize him or her as if they are way above you.
83. Lie down and be a doormat. 
84. Let your world surround around his or her texts, voice mails or phone calls.
85. Make yourself 150% available at all times. 
86. Never disagree with him or make him mad. 
87. Spend time figuring out ways to be of value to his life. 
88. Stop thinking about what matters to you and start worrying about what he/she wants. 
89. Take him back no matter how many times he/she rejects you.
90. Beg him or her to stay.
91. Ask for nothing for yourself.
92. Give everything you've got. 
93. Have sex without commitment. 
94. Think that you're the lesser sex. 
95. Stop wearing red lipstick because he doesn't like it.
96. Cook, clean and do his laundry. 
97. Pretend you're smiling when inside you're dying. 
98. Ask him/her to tell you what you want. 
99. Fail to set limits.
100. Beat yourself up instead of taking your own side.

Society, our culture and our upbringing teaches us to be dependent upon a lover, as if we are nothing without someone else beside us. The truth is, you are nothing if you think you are nothing and that is it. We've been taught wrong. It is unhealthy to think that another person completes you. This mindset will lead you to the gutter of codependency and wicked badness. Don't go there. Learn to be a whole person first. Hold your own. Love yourself.  Rock the world. XO

No matter what, your relationship 

should always expand your life, not shrink it.

Lisa Firestone, PhD

Thoughts on Mindfulness

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD

 

Being mindful is a quality which leads us into correct decision making. If we are mindfull, we have been present with our thoughts, our options, the bigger picture and what is in the best interest of our life. So often we make reactive decisions that not only hurt others, which cause us guilt and shame, but mostly these decisions hurt our lives, our ability to trust ourselves and our ability to love ourselves. Being mindful means that we come from our heart. We come from love. We come from a sense of calm and certainty. 

 

Reactive decisions create horrible karma and they contribute to the idea that we are not good enough, that we are not loveable. If we can slow down, communicate, write, read, research and gather information before we make decisions then we don't contribute to further lowering our self-love. There is always a correct answer to our problems in life. If one doesn't come immediately, then do nothing and continue to search your soul. 

 

When we love ourselves we want to show up as the best, most mature and thoughtful person we can be..even when that means we must set limits on people. We can still do this mindfully and with integrity. When we love ourselves, integrity is natural. When we love ourselves we make sure to be mindful of who we are and how we impact others. We are aware that when we are loving as people our lives work and when are not loving our lives do not work. Today be mindful of the YOU that you put into the world.