Narcissistic De-Selfing

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Photo by Lennie Sparrow - Deviant Art

Narcissists feel like other people are an extension of themselves. This is why the narcissist tries to thwart the sense of self in his or her victim. It is easier to control and exploit one who has no boundaries. Generally, a person with no boundaries was raised by those who are narcissistic. A person with a strong sense of self has strong boundaries that render him or her immune to the narcissist.

Here are tactics that malignant narcissists uses to de-self their victims. Please note: Not all narcissists do everything on this list. Toxic people may only practice 1/2 of these abusive tactics. Some narcs are covert, others are more obvious. There are also different levels of narcissism from healthy narcissim to malignant narcissism.  

It is the malignant narcissist that hurts the most. These are people who have no empathy and who try to gain power and control over others. They have no feeling for anyone but themselves. The cannot love. They do not care about anyone. People in their lives are merely a source of narcissistic supply--objects to be exploited. Malignant narcissists will cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. These are sadistic people who enjoy hurting others and will do anything to maintain their image. These harmful people were likely abused as children either from neglect or over-indulgence. There is no cure for narcissism because most types of narcissists are too self inflated to admit he or she has a problem. Other types of narcissists may secretly believe they are healthy, even if they feign problems. It's all an act to get narcissistic supply. 

Narcissists get self esteem externally from the power that the steal from others. Narcissists feed off the attention of others. When a narcissist upsets you, he or she enjoys your anguish. When a narcissist tricks you and steals your power (if you don't have boundaries and if you're not grounded), the narcissist feels a rush of self esteem. These people are dangerous and cannot easily be cured so it's best to get away.

Invalidation - Disagreeing with one’s thoughts, feelings and/or beliefs. 

Mimicking - Mirroring your likes and behavior in effort to ingratiate themselves to you. This is part of the idealization phase, but can also continue after the narcissist has discarded you.

One-Upping - Trying to maintain a higher status and putting the victim beneath the narcissist.

Gas Lighting - This is an abuse tactic that makes the victim feel crazy.

Blaming - Blaming external sources for their internal mistakes. 

Psychological Attack - This sometimes blatant and other times subtle tactic causes the victim to become upset and need to defend herself. This defending then turns into an argument where the victim is blamed and is also caught up in the situation, thus taken off balance.

Minimizing - The narcissist will minimize the effect of their behavior or abuse.

Control Tactics - Using covert or overt measures to get the victim to do what the narcissist wants her to do.

Golden Handcuffs - Holding financial or other resources over the head of the victim to keep him in line.

Manipulation - Trying to control another person by using psychological methods such as providing selective information, lying, gaslighting, minimizing or other tactics on this list.

Lying - The narcissist and psychopath will lie easily to support their manipulations and achieve their desired result. When caught in a lie they will not back down.  

Planting Seeds - Trying to control you through the power of suggestion. (I made this one up myself.)

Comparison - Comparing you to others by making comments of their strengths in light of your weaknesses.

Pulling the Rug - Building up your expectations, then “pulling the rug out from under you.” Not giving what was implied or expected.

Idealization/Devaluation - Building you up, then tearing you down. Devaluation most often involves abandonment. The narcissist idealizes you, then discards you without a care.

Creating Triangles - The narcissist creates triangles by gossiping and/or sharing personal and private information with others that was given by the victim in confidence. Narcissists have elaborate ways of creating triangles and causing conflict between groups of people. The goal is to make the victim feel alienated and to garner support of others, which abuses the victim by proxy.

Isolation / Alienation - Manipulating the victim into believing that he or she is the only source for the person to turn to. Criticizing other people in the victim’s life to the extent that the victim believes that the narcissist is the only one of value that he or she can count on.

Subtle Ignoring - Sending the message that the victim is not worth listening to by ignoring… Checking phone while the victim is talking, not responding to texts, glossing over concerns.

What the narcissist wants is to control you and keep your focus on themselves. When you are off-balance and you’ve been kept off-balance for years, this keeps the narcissist in control of you. When you are out of touch with your truth, with your true needs and wants, you are very easy to manipulate and exploit.

The answer to these abusive tactics is to fortify your sense of self through a variety of means, such as:

• Getting in touch with your inner truth - Feelings, thoughts, beliefs.
• Awareness of who you are and what you want and need.
• Staying grounded in your own physical body.  
• Staying grounded in your own emotional truth.
• Calibrating your intuition. Learning to trust your gut.
• Understanding of an equal and reciprocal relationship.
• Setting boundaries and limits against manipulation and abusive behavior.
• Expecting reciprocation of needs to be met.
• Refusing to allow the narcissist to gloss over abuse in past or present.
• Avoiding abusive people.
• Confronting abusive behavior.
• Staying focused on your highest good.
• Dealing with your own feelings of shame, worthlessness, etc…

If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, then you are someone who needs to fortify your sense of self and create a more solid sense of who you are. Your identity can be shaken to the core by toxic people and it’s up to you to know who you are and define your own values. The key to surviving narcissistic abuse is to validate yourself and set boundaries against manipulation. You must also be willing to advocate for your own highest good and to get your needs met.

Good luck.

People Freak Out on Vibrations - Gosh!!!

Facebook Friend: I am dumbfounded as to why I have had 3 men direct message me on Facebook in the past 2 weeks suggesting we get together for drinks. In each case, their profile clearly states "married". So weird.... Sorry, but I'm just not interested.

Your vibration must need alignment with your truth. Some kind of split energy. 

Facebook Friend: Heavy, Jenna 

That's exactly what it is! You are a powerful co-creator of your own reality. You pull the people towards you that are in exact alignment with your feelings (vibrations). If you want to know what to work on personally, just look at 1. How you feel and 2. What is manifesting.

Jenna Ryan I'm saying that you're more powerful than you realize. Maybe there is a part of you that is unavailable and so you're attracting unavailability? This has been my own personal experience that I have dealt with. 

Empowerment is about realizing your power to draw things to you or push them away vibrationally, that is, simply from the beliefs you're emitting. Our lives are controlled by our beliefs. The only difference between a prisoner and an Olympian is beliefs.

People don't realize how much their vibrational offerings attract things into their experience. If you're a sour puss, you're gonna attract sour pusses. If you see the world as loving and open, then you'll attract that. Your life today is a manifestation of your beliefs/feelings about what you deserve. What I'm finding and that the world is waking up to is that your beliefs don't just effect your experience on a big picture/macro level, but also down to the synchronicity of day-to-day experiences at the micro-level. You attract people into your life with your own vibrations. It's a holographic universe, what you put out you get back. Boomarang, Karma. Default vibrations bring crap, fine-tuned vibrations bring your dreams, visions and desires as soon as you're vibration matches that which you want to manifest.

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

How to Secure Your Insecurities

The source of insecurities are negative, false beliefs that you hold about yourself that are contrary to your true essence.

Insecurities are tied to False Beliefs,
False Beliefs are tied to Conditioning,
False Beliefs are false because it is contrary to your true essence.

Any childhood messaging or learning that contradicts the truth of your essence--that you are pure love, valuable and incomparable in worth, and a powerful co-creator of life on this planet--causes pain and dysfunction in adulthood.

Anything you believe that is contrary to the truth that you are love, lovable and loving causes pain and dysfunction. The key to healing your insecurities is to encounter the true essence of who you really are. The reason your insecurities exist is because you question your own value. When you realize who you are, when you know who you are, your insecurities melt away like ice in the warm sun.

Insecurities are evident to those around you. When your insecurities are evident, it causes one to feel shame. No one wants to be seen as not believing they are worthy. Everyone puts on a fake mask of pretending to feel something that they do not feel.

Insecurities call for you to make up for your deficiencies to others. One way you try to make up for those places in which your personal worth is in question is via proving yourself to the world, and with people-pleasing behavior.

Your insecurities represent your internal beliefs, those core beliefs which you've determined your own individual worth as a person. These core beliefs are wrapped in layers of fear that the world will find out the truth--that you are in fact worthless and you know it. When this fear is triggered, the insecurity works overtime keeping the truth from yourself and everyone else.

You cannot hide insecurities. Insecurities show loud and clear to those who are not insecure. Insecurities drive much of our activity, including social media and blogging!!!

No one is completely secure. The only security is in knowing who you really are, without having to add anything or change anything about your true essence. Our culture does not raise children to be aware of their essence. Child rearing customs assault the child's security of knowing who they really are and the power that they hold to effect the world in lieu of compliance and conformity. Children today learn that their value is in following the rules and dictates of their parents, not in discovering their true powerful essence.

The key to securing your insecurities is to dig deep into yourself to find out what wires are crossed. Find out what lies you believed that are contrary to the truth that you are divine. The key to finding out where the lies are, since such core beliefs are embedded in the unconscious, is to look at your current dysfunction.

• What makes you run and hide?
• What makes you take a drink?
• What makes you addicted to that man or woman?
• What makes you check out?
• What makes you want to smoke?
• What makes you cry?

Your daily behavior reflects your core beliefs more than many realize. In order to get beyond negative core beliefs and to replace those beliefs with truth, you must do the work of figuring yourself out. Find out what you're believing about yourself that is untrue. Be fearless in your searching inventory of yourself. Don't allow yourself to hide and cower from the truth of reality, the truth of how you really feel. Ask questions, wait for the answers. You are powerful, more powerful than you know.
 

 

Some of Them Want to Use You

Allowing yourself to be exploited is a tragedy. It hurts you in more ways than you realize. It damages your heart, kills your self esteem and sucks away precious energy that could be better used moving you forward. You are not an object, though being used makes you feel like one. If you've ever felt like people take advantage of you, then read this article. I think it may help you stop the destructive relationship patterns and choices that leave you feeling devalued.

When I say "exploited," I'm talking about allowing yourself to be treated in a manner that is undignified in any way by any person, group or entity. Undignified treatment is that which strips you of your dignity, devalues you, disrespects your feelings, your time, your resources or worse.

You know the song, "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics?

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.

If you were subjected to devaluing treatment growing up, then you were likely made vulnerable to abusers by being starved for emotional connection at home. 

Exploitation has parts

1. Lack of Self
2. Lack of Awareness
3. Lack of Validation
4. Lack of Assertion
5. Lack of Ability

These 5 Lacks

Exploitation occurs in the area of lack of the one being exploited. 

1. Lack of Self
Without a strong sense of self, it is difficult to know how you feel. If you don't know how you feel, your wires are crossed. You may feel upset about poor treatment, but not be able to express your feelings moderately. You may project your feelings, repress, deny or ignore what's really going on, all the while walking as a lamb to slaughter into the hands of a wolf in sheep's clothing.

2. Lack of Awareness 
You are unaware of the warning signs of abuse or mistreatment. Maybe devaluation is comfortable for you. Maybe you were devalued as a child. Maybe you continue to devalue yourself today with the help of your inner critic? Whatever the reason, when someone abuses you, you may not notice it as abuse, setting yourself up for further abuse. 

3. Lack of Validation
If you were not validated properly as a child, then you are probably not validating yourself properly now. Validation is very important, although many families are wholly invalidating. An atmosphere of invalidation of ones feelings and reality leads to a sense of worthlessness.

4. Lack of Assertion
If you were not validated and taught your value as a child, then you will not have the ability to stand up for yourself as an adult. You may not know your rights as a person and you may not even know how you feel. In order to prevent yourself from being used, you must set boundaries that are firm and certain. You must enforce consequences to those who do not respect your limitations.

5. Lack of Power
If you lack the ability to know how to get your needs met, you will end up being needy. A needy person is excellent prey for the exploitative person who wants to use you. The truth is that you don't have to be needy. You have the ability to get your needs met; you may just not realize that you do. If you feel you have needs that you cannot seem to get met on your own, go to a therapist and talk this out. Do whatever you have to do to come to terms with your own power.

You do not deserve to be used. You are a person who is valuable and worthy of respect. You deserve to be treated well. You are worthy of honor, and you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity and not allow yourself to be used and exploited for any reason. Take time to work on yourself. Take time to learn why it is that you're attracted to unscrupulous people (if you are), and get out of the cycle of abuse with mean people. You are beautiful--it's your time to shine.

It's Nothing Personal

It is not your fault when someone treats you badly. If someone rejects you, dishonors you, ignores you, yells at you, abuses you, abandons you or puts you down it has NOTHING to do with you.

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

― Anaïs Nin

If you have a wounded heart, you may have a tendency to put people on pedestals, to idealize them and feel as though they're better than you. You may also try to get other people to fill in the blank spaces of your life, to give you worth where you feel like you have none. Then, when your "idol" devalues you or refuses to reciprocate your affection, you take it personally thinking that it's your fault he or she isn't good to you. You feel like you're bad and worthless just because the one you idolize isn't treating you right.

This simply is not true!

We are our reality, it's all a projection from within, so we see things as we are. What we don't like in us we will project in others in order to criticize them, to reject them, instead of dealing with it within us, but until we do it, we will not really know ourselves.

~ Paulo Renato ~

Healthy people with high self esteem are generally good to others. They don't go around devaluing people, they are open not closed, accepting and not rejecting. When you encounter someone who is selfish, rude and grandiose, it is not your fault. It does not mean you deserve it. You can't help the fact that she is a jerk! You can't control people that much!  Rude people exist. Hurting people hurt people. Just because you come across a hurting person who treats you badly and breaks your heart doesn't mean that you deserve it.

• It has nothing to do with your forehead wrinkles.
• It has nothing to do with your unkempt car.
• It has nothing to do with your muffin top.
• It has nothing to do with the fact that you're older.
• It has nothing to do with your style.
• It has nothing to do with your weight.
• It has nothing to do with your freckles.

So often when we are rejected or hurt by another, we think it's something specific in us that is unlovable. We think (hopefully we snap out of it fast) that we need to mold ourselves into being what the hurtful person needs so as to be found worthy in their eyes. If we are found worthy by this person we idealize, then we mistakenly think we'll be worthy ourselves. Maybe if we go on a diet, do more yoga, wear higher heels, maybe then he will love me, be nice to me and see how valuable I am.

Hogwash!

Not only do we take it personally by thinking we are inherently flawed, but we also try to control the other person's perception of who we are by changing ourselves to suit what we think they want. This is the ultimate betrayal of self. You give yourself away and abandon who you are when you try to control others by changing into what you think they want you to be.

READ MY LIPS: It's not personal! It is not your fault. You're not too fat because someone doesn't love you. You're not rejected because you have a beer belly. Even if someone says that to you, the problem is inside their own heart, and they're just using superficial reasons as justification to abuse you. Trying to change yourself to make another person start treating you right is overstepping your boundaries. It simply cannot be done. You don't have that much power.

All you control is what's in YOUR DOMAIN. You can influence another person, but ultimately, people do not change unless they see the light and decide to change. Trying to change and control others is a huge reason for sadness and dismay. We need to spend more time tending to ourselves and controlling our own reactions. We need boundaries between what we feel we are responsible for in relation to others. We are responsible only for ourselves.

If you encounter a person with a character flaw, someone who puts you down, abuses you, withdraws or refuses to reciprocate the relationship on equal ground, this is not your fault. Not everyone is capable of a mature, equal and fulfilling relationship. Instead of taking it personally, face reality. Realize that what other people do and how they treat you is a reflection on them--not you.

The Warrioress

THE WARRIORESS....She’s arriving into present time. This is the gift of her deep work. She has been healing her pain, embracing her shadows, claiming her body & womb temple, releasing her shame, clearing the victim/opressor, facing her fears, walking out of dishonouring spaces & so much more.

She’s a warrior. She stands steady, anchored inside herself. She’s let go her history. Her cellular memories are cleaned out, and she’s no longer trapped in the past. As she connects to her divine longing & her passion, she deepens her surrender.

Her future is exciting. She’s becoming relaxed about where her life is heading. She’s free & uncluttered, & she’s travelling light. Her energy is no longer sucked into the past, or running away into the future.

She feels powerful & abundant. She’s fully present. She’s amazed at how relaxed and alert she can be at the same time. She could easily pass through the eye of a needle.▼

Sukhvinder Sircar
Perceptive Artista