Narcissists Lead You With Your Own Shame

The narc appeals to the false self, but cuts you at the true self. They can only get a wounded person, a person with a wounded, shame-covered true self. If you want to get free, you have to build your self esteem by removing the layers of shame from your true self.
The narcissist will lead you around by the neck using your own shame as a muzzle. If you want to be free of your bond with narcissists, then deal with your own shame. Then the narcs have no way to get power over you. Process your own weak spots, that is, shame, so you can be protected from exploitation. 

When you are ashamed of who you are as a person, you create a false self. Your true self goes into hiding because of a feeling called shame. A false self rises up to cover the shame core. This is not real shame, but toxic shame which is born of childhood abuse (emotional, sexual, physical, psychological).

The false self is the part of you that is fooled by the narcissist. The false self, the ego, so to speak... the part of you that compares yourself to others. The part of you that's always on the lookout to get love or mourn for love that's gone... the part of you that thinks it's nothing without external validation... people pleaser, that's the only part of you that can be fooled into a narcissistic traps.
That part of you exists because of shame. Shame that you are no good inside. This is a lie that is embedded into children who are neglected and abused. Instead of love and getting your needs met as a child, you were left with shame, pain and anguish.

True narcissists have so much of the false self, they can't go near it. Others who are codependent have a false self that's easier to dismantle.

Shame is what you have to face at the core.

You have to keep returning to it again and again. Thinking about it, embracing it, writing about it, doing art, processing it, talk therapy, reading books, just massaging that bullshit right out of your system until in your eyes you see it as a speck on a giant earth from outer space. Until it no longer phases you.

Break off the shame by

1. Noticing it.
2. Embracing it.
3. Separating yourself from it.
4. Positive Self Talk
5. Self Compassion/ Empathy

18 Schemas: Healing Your Negative Core Beliefs

This article shares the 18 schemas as referred to in my previous article. Schemas are networks of core beliefs that you hold about yourself based upon the meeting of your needs in childhood. If your needs were adequately met (or met good enough), then you will have healthy schemas--a positive view of yourself, others and life. If your childhood development needs were not properly met, or if you suffered from childhood trauma or abuse, neglect or suffered from a loss of a parent, then you will have beliefs about yourself that do not serve you. Negative core beliefs are the product of inadequate parenting.

When you do not get your needs met as a child, you determine that you're not worthy to be taken care of. Depending on which needs were thwarted, you may have several schemas--groups of negative core beliefs--that are working against you today.

It does not matter how things have changed in your life, if you do not heal the schema associated with the negative core beliefs you hold in your psyche, you will always have an underlying sense of defectiveness, inability or unlovability. Until you actively pursue healing to build a new schema in place of the old maladaptive beliefs, you are at mercy of old, archaic beliefs that are not valid, not logical and not true.

Here is a list of 18 Schemas from the website SchemaTherapy.comhttp://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm.

1. ABANDONMENT /  INSTABILITY 
The perceived instability or unreliability of those available for support and connection. Involves the sense that significant others will not be able to continue providing emotional support, connection, strength, or practical protection because they are emotionally unstable and unpredictable (e.g., angry outbursts), unreliable, or erratically present; because they will die imminently; or because they will abandon the patient in favor of someone better.

2. MISTRUST / ABUSE
The expectation that others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lie, manipulate, or take advantage.  Usually involves the perception that the harm is intentional or the result of unjustified and extreme negligence. May include the sense that one always ends up being cheated relative to others or "getting the short end of the stick."
3.  EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION
Expectation that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others.  The three major forms of deprivation are:

A. Deprivation of Nurturance:  Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.

B. Deprivation of Empathy:  Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.

C. Deprivation of Protection:  Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.
 
4.  DEFECTIVENESS / SHAME
The feeling that one is defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, or invalid in important respects; or that one would be unlovable to significant others if exposed. May involve hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and blame; self-consciousness, comparisons, and insecurity around others; or a sense of shame regarding one's perceived flaws. These flaws may be private (e.g., selfishness, angry impulses, unacceptable sexual desires) or public (e.g., undesirable physical appearance, social awkwardness).

5.  SOCIAL ISOLATION / ALIENATION  
The feeling that one is isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community.
 
6.  DEPENDENCE / INCOMPETENCE
Belief that one is unable to handle one's everyday responsibilities in a competent manner, without considerable help from others (e.g., take care of oneself, solve daily problems, exercise good judgment, tackle new tasks, make good decisions). Often presents as helplessness.
 
7.  VULNERABILITY TO HARM OR ILLNESS
Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that one will be unable to prevent it. Fears focus on one or more of the following: (A) Medical Catastrophes:  e.g., heart attacks, AIDS;  (B) Emotional Catastrophes:  e.g., going crazy;  (C): External Catastrophes: e.g., elevators collapsing, victimized by criminals, airplane crashes, earthquakes.

8.  ENMESHMENT  /  UNDEVELOPED SELF
Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents), at the expense of full individuation or normal social development. Often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other. May also include feelings of being smothered by, or fused with, others  OR  insufficient individual identity. Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or in extreme cases questioning one's existence.  

9.  FAILURE TO ACHIEVE
The belief that one has failed, will inevitably fail, or is fundamentally inadequate relative to one's peers, in areas of achievement (school, career, sports, etc.). Often involves beliefs that one is stupid, inept, untalented, ignorant, lower in status, less successful than others, etc.

10.  ENTITLEMENT / GRANDIOSITY 
The belief that one is superior to other people; entitled to special rights and privileges; or not bound by the rules of reciprocity that guide normal social interaction. Often involves insistence that one should be able to do or have whatever one wants, regardless of what is realistic, what others consider reasonable,  or the cost to others;OR an exaggerated focus on superiority (e.g., being among  the most successful,  famous, wealthy)  -- in order to achieve power or control (not primarily for attention or approval). Sometimes includes excessive competitiveness toward, or domination of, others:  asserting one's power, forcing one's point of view, or controlling the behavior of others in line with one's own desires---without empathy or concern for others' needs or feelings.

11. INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL / SELF-DISCIPLINE
Pervasive difficulty or refusal to exercise sufficient self-control and frustration tolerance to achieve one's personal goals, or to restrain the excessive expression of one's emotions and impulses. In its milder form, patient presents with an exaggerated emphasis on discomfort-avoidance:  avoiding pain, conflict, confrontation, responsibility, or overexertion---at the expense of personal fulfillment, commitment,  or integrity.

12.  SUBJUGATION
Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced - - usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:

A. Subjugation of Needs:  Suppression of one's preferences, decisions,  and desires.

B. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.

Usually involves the perception that one's own desires, opinions,  and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, "acting out", substance abuse).

13. SELF-SACRIFICE 
Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.  The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .  Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)

14.  APPROVAL-SEEKING  /  RECOGNITION-SEEKING
Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations.  Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement --  as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying;  or in hypersensitivity to rejection.
 
15. NEGATIVITY  /  PESSIMISM
A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment, conflict, guilt, resentment, unsolved problems, potential mistakes, betrayal, things that could go wrong, etc.) while minimizing or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation-- in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations -- that things will eventually go seriously wrong, or that aspects of one's life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart. Usually involves an inordinate fear of making mistakes that might lead to: financial collapse, loss, humiliation, or being trapped in a bad situation. Because potential negative outcomes are exaggerated, these patients are frequently characterized by chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision.

16.  EMOTIONAL INHIBITION The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication -- usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one's impulses. The most common areas of inhibition involve:  (a) inhibition of anger & aggression;  (b) inhibition of positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play);  (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one's feelings, needs, etc.;  or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions.

17.  UNRELENTING STANDARDS /  HYPERCRITICALNESS  
The underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness toward oneself and others.  Must involve significant impairment in:  pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying relationships. 

Unrelenting standards typically present as:  (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one's own performance is relative to the norm;  (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished.
 
18.  PUNITIVENESS  
The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant,  punitive, and impatient with those people (including oneself) who do not meet one's expectations or standards.  Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself or others, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with feelings.

(c) Jeffrey Young Schema Therapy Institute

561 10th Ave., Suite 43D

New York, NY  10036

Shame Spiral

"The irony I am learning is that those qualities I felt I lacked, are the very ones I might possess in spades." ~ Simon (part)

If you're caught in a shame spiral, Brené Brown says, there are three things you can start doing today to break the cycle: talking to yourself like you talk to someone you love, reaching out to someone you trust, and telling your story. Watch as Brené shares the number one antidote to shame.

PART 1: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

Wow. This is a difficult article to write. Why? Because there is not one answer to it. Rising above negative emotion that stems from the root of childhood abuse and neglect is a complicated process, one that requires everything you've got--and more.

The biggest issue is that being neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated as a child causes your identity to be wrought in SHAME. The opposite of love, affection, attention is shame. When a child does not get its developmental needs met, the natural by-product is shame. Shame is a horrible, disgusting, terrible feeling that broods beneath the surface and shapes everything you say and do. I can't tell you how badly shame makes you feel. If you're reading this article, you likely know--though you may not have a handle on it.

Parts of me that I thought were me, the parts that made me feel worthless, I found out through my healing journey were not me at all.  It was shame. The revelation changed my life forever. There were so many ways I was held back by an intense feeling of shame--that I never knew was there, until I rose above it by being mindful of every feeling and thought that I felt.

Shame. I'll never forget when I first came face-to-face with this unruly beast. I'm not talking about your normal shame, that for feeling badly for something you've done in the presence of a social group--that kind of shame is reasonable, manageable and normal. No big deal. No, I'm talking about the kind of shame that rots you out to the core--makes you sit down when you should stand. Keeps you locked behind closed doors, handcuffed in a world while crying cause it's passing you by. TOXIC SHAME.

Toxic Shame is a type of shame you don't deserve. It's the type of shame that is the by-product of neglect, abandonment and abuse of childhood. If you experienced a bad childhood and you know it, and you haven't dealt with your shame, I feel very sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks and it hurts and you may not even realize it. Pain hides in such strange ways. It makes you kick yourself... little do you know, you don't deserve it. It's shame that's not yours.

Anyway. Toxic shame is what occurs when a parent acts shamelessly by passing their shameful behavior (that of neglect, abuse or whatever) onto you without remorse. It's a long story. Whenever someone passes that stuff onto you, your caretaker--who DOES NOT REALIZE what he or she is doing... they are only reacting and re-enacting their own abuse--they are passing on shame that does not belong to you. IT'S NOT YOURS. But, as a small child, your only recourse is to take the blame. You believe you're worthless. You embrace their shame as if it is your own. Why? Because ...

You're tiny.
You're vulnerable.
You have no protection.

You're mind is protecting you from realizing that you are being raised by incompetent people.

Our minds are pre-wired to protect us from the harms of poorly functioning adults. In order to protect us from the realization that we are unloved as children (unloved in the sense that we're not loved with true, adequate love), our brains internalize the flaws of our parents. Our brains internalize the flaws that our parents can't face. Our little, developing brains internalize the projections of our parents. Stuff they can't deal with, we, as little vulnerable children gulp down. We take all the stuff they can't because we MUST BELIEVE THEY ARE PERFECT in order to develop psychologically.

You see, believing that we're worthless is a defense mechanism against insanity. Evolution tells us (or whatever that is) that our brains are wired to protect ourselves from the lack of love. Babies who don't get adequate love can die--ACTUALLY DIE. Therefore we are hard wired to become delusional if our primary caretakers are incapable of giving us the real love we need. We pretend in our little minds that the abusive caretaker is perfect, and we, believe that we--instead of them--are the devil personified. We take on their shame. This is TOXIC SHAME. It is not ours, but we put it on. We don it in order to delude ourselves into thinking that they love us, when in fact they do not, cannot and will not. It is not their fault, nor is it ours.

SHAME. I'm trying to write an article about how to overcome negative emotion, but I cannot do so unless I describe to you the presence of shame, and help you to know what it is. In order to get rid of the most troublesome emotion of all time, you must first know it is there.

I found shame in places I never knew it could be found. I still find it from time to time. Look for it. It's lurking. It's hanging out around every corner. Every time you feel badly, shame--toxic shame--is the culprit. So much to say. My fingers hurt. Next time, I'll share more. Much love. Good luck in your journey. Rise above shame by first recognizing it.

Awareness is Key


If you want to rise above the negative emotion, you must first recognize it is there. You may uncover negative emotion in a million ways, just under the surface. I love this article by another writer which defines it well regarding the patterns of self-hatred. Feelings of unworthiness may hide beneath the surface and be tricky to find... but once you open to learning the truth about your feelings, to honoring and respecting your feelings and to start being mindful of your self-talk, you will start to unravel your feelings and find the root of its cause.



More later....

Self Judgment is the Root of Shame

Self Judgment is the root of shame. Shame can be good, but we overdose on it. Shame brings a horrible feeling with it out-of-the-blue. The sad part is, people live with that horrible feeling not realizing that it is in their power to stop damning themselves. Any bad feeling that is without cause can be eliminated completely from your life.

I would like to finish this article in depth, but not right now. 

Outline of Personality Modes

I love this graphic! How helpful. Getting to know yourself, becoming aware of your different moods, thoughts, feelings and behaviors is the pathway to self love. This diagram stems from Transactional Analysis, a way of defining different modes and schemas that people follow when they've gone through hurt, pain and/or trauma in childhood, or been raised in any type of dysfunction. A great preface to this chart is the book, "Games People Play: Handbook of Transactional Analysis" by Eric Berne. Excellent book! I've read it a few times. Highly recommended.

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