Respect in relationship occurs in the flow of defining who you are and how you feel. If you are engaging with someone who refuses to make behavior adjustments In accordance with your moderate emotional comfort, or at least acknowledge that you have a right to feel disappointment, frustration, anger or any of your feelings... This shows a lack of respect for your humanity. This is not okay and is considered unempathetic and disrespectful. Someone who respects you and treats you well is going to make Room for your feelings, boundaries, requests. They're not going to stonewall, gloss over the subject or demand that they are right.
A person who is capable of Loving is capable of seeing when they may be wrong. They are capable of self reflection. They can apologize or they can discuss the hurt feelings of another without feeling threatened. Loving someone unconditionally requires that you allow them space to exist Separately from you. You are not responsible for their feelings and when they hurt your feelings you can express yourself safely and be validated by them.They meet your needs to be seen, heard and understood. That is love.
This takes maturity that some people do not have. Some people cannot love because they cannot give you space to be, they must always be right and they cannot see things from your perspective because they don't have #empathy.
If you come across a person like this it's better to keep your distance. Wish them well in love and light. You cannot change them or teach empathy. Being in a relationship with a person who does not give you space for your feelings, boundaries, makes you externally controlled; it is #enmeshment--toxic. You are not responsible if your boundaries hurt them. It is your responsibility to take care of your own sense of self and stay on your own side of the fence. You cannot control how other people feel if your existence hurts them. That's #codependency. Even though it hurts to walk away, you must do so for your own integrity.- Jenna Ryan 8/9/2019
#truth #truthbomb #love #respect#friendshipquotes #friends #lovers#relationshipquotes#relationshipgoals #relationships#selflove #selfloveu
Showing posts with label Self Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self Love. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
Thursday, February 7, 2019
How to Be Ignored In a Pseudo Conversation
Have you ever felt ignored by a friend, acquaintance or family member? Maybe they don't blatantly ignore you, but did you know--or realize--that there is a potential to be ignored even when someone is looking at you directly in the face and talking to you? YES! It is possible to be completely ignored, overlooked, avoided, even when you're sitting there talking with someone.
This is a subtle form of ignoring that can be considered covert ignoring. The type of covert ignoring I'm talking about is when someone is talking to you, but not engaging you. This is when a person is not listening to you and not allowing your presence to exist in the conversation.
This can also be called "ear banging."
A conversation that is one sided is not a conversation at all. A conversation is between two people. A pseudo conversation is a conversation where there is only one person who matters. The other parties to the interaction serve merely as audience members.
They only talk about themselves.
This type of person will only talk about themselves in a conversation. If you happen to get a word into the conversation, they will deflect and direct the conversation back to themselves. This may occur with narcissists, but it also may occur with codependent people who are needy and don't have the relationship skills to listen or be interested in what the other person has to say. This type of person has a great need to prove themselves, and will often brag about themselves endlessly. This type of person thinks that what they have to say is paramount, and pays little attention to what you have to say.
Does not ask follow-up questions.
This is so uncomfortable! This is so covert, and may be hard to detect, until you've gotten the gist of what is happening. Someone who is ignoring you to your face does not carry on any of your own personal trains of thought. When you try to contribute to the conversation, they will divert the conversation back to their own self-interest. They can talk for 10 minutes straight about themselves, with you supporting them, asking questions, validating their views, etc... but then when you say one thing about yourself, you will hear nothing but silence. It's as though these people cannot see you, even though you've been talking to them and listening to them, your contributions are left unseen.
Controls the conversation.
Some people control the conversation completely. They have trained you in the past that you can only speak with them about certain topics, topics which are acceptable to them. Anything you say that is outside of their realm of "acceptability" is immediately rebuked and fizzled out. You learn to passively stay away from anything true about yourself that does not fit in with their accepted version of you. You lose your truth by being who they require you to be instead of being who you truly are.
Attacking your statements.
A person who is ignoring you in a pseudo conversation will attack your statements if you try to grab some of the floor time. Let's say they've been talking about their current life situation for the past several minutes, and then you bring up a topic about yourself. The person who is ignoring you during the conversation will attack whatever it is you have to say about yourself in attempt to get you to stop bringing yourself up. This person cannot bare your presence. They must have the floor at all times. They attempt to tear you down in a conversation so that you will learn and be trained to stay silent, and simply mirror their reflection throughout all conversations. They want you to hide your own statements about your identity. They want you to look at them as all-knowing, all-good and all-important.
Affirms personal negativity.
Some covert narcissists will only give you feedback if you are speaking negatively or showing weakness about your true self, your life, your experiences. This is a way of conditioning you to submit to their control. Share all your weaknesses with this person if you want to be seen or heard. When you are in this type of dangerous relationship, you will be ignored when you share your truth, but attended to when you share your hurt and pain. People who attend only to your hurt and pain are sadists and should be avoided at all costs.
Do not settle for pseudo conversations or pseudo relationships where you are ignored. This may not seem to hurt you on first glance, but if you stay in these types of interpersonal transactions, it may zap you of your self esteem. Your self worth is inherent; but your self esteem is volatile. Your self esteem goes up or down depending on how you allow yourself to be treated. It's vital that you esteem yourself highly so that you steer clear of conversations that are fake and one-sided.
We must stay away from people who refuse to hear us! There are many people in the world who are kind, empathetic, skilled and capable of allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to put us down by ignoring us. There are people out there who will listen to us. There are people out there who are capable of a two-way, authentic conversation. You will not get your needs met by talking to people who are ignoring you. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are capable of seeing you, being present with you, are there for you and are truly loving. You need others to make room for you--don't settle for anything less.
Stay Out of Conversations with People Who...
Seek Out Conversations with People Who...
This is a subtle form of ignoring that can be considered covert ignoring. The type of covert ignoring I'm talking about is when someone is talking to you, but not engaging you. This is when a person is not listening to you and not allowing your presence to exist in the conversation.
This can also be called "ear banging."
A conversation that is one sided is not a conversation at all. A conversation is between two people. A pseudo conversation is a conversation where there is only one person who matters. The other parties to the interaction serve merely as audience members.
They only talk about themselves.
This type of person will only talk about themselves in a conversation. If you happen to get a word into the conversation, they will deflect and direct the conversation back to themselves. This may occur with narcissists, but it also may occur with codependent people who are needy and don't have the relationship skills to listen or be interested in what the other person has to say. This type of person has a great need to prove themselves, and will often brag about themselves endlessly. This type of person thinks that what they have to say is paramount, and pays little attention to what you have to say.
Does not ask follow-up questions.
This is so uncomfortable! This is so covert, and may be hard to detect, until you've gotten the gist of what is happening. Someone who is ignoring you to your face does not carry on any of your own personal trains of thought. When you try to contribute to the conversation, they will divert the conversation back to their own self-interest. They can talk for 10 minutes straight about themselves, with you supporting them, asking questions, validating their views, etc... but then when you say one thing about yourself, you will hear nothing but silence. It's as though these people cannot see you, even though you've been talking to them and listening to them, your contributions are left unseen.
Controls the conversation.
Some people control the conversation completely. They have trained you in the past that you can only speak with them about certain topics, topics which are acceptable to them. Anything you say that is outside of their realm of "acceptability" is immediately rebuked and fizzled out. You learn to passively stay away from anything true about yourself that does not fit in with their accepted version of you. You lose your truth by being who they require you to be instead of being who you truly are.
Attacking your statements.
A person who is ignoring you in a pseudo conversation will attack your statements if you try to grab some of the floor time. Let's say they've been talking about their current life situation for the past several minutes, and then you bring up a topic about yourself. The person who is ignoring you during the conversation will attack whatever it is you have to say about yourself in attempt to get you to stop bringing yourself up. This person cannot bare your presence. They must have the floor at all times. They attempt to tear you down in a conversation so that you will learn and be trained to stay silent, and simply mirror their reflection throughout all conversations. They want you to hide your own statements about your identity. They want you to look at them as all-knowing, all-good and all-important.
Affirms personal negativity.
Some covert narcissists will only give you feedback if you are speaking negatively or showing weakness about your true self, your life, your experiences. This is a way of conditioning you to submit to their control. Share all your weaknesses with this person if you want to be seen or heard. When you are in this type of dangerous relationship, you will be ignored when you share your truth, but attended to when you share your hurt and pain. People who attend only to your hurt and pain are sadists and should be avoided at all costs.
Do not settle for pseudo conversations or pseudo relationships where you are ignored. This may not seem to hurt you on first glance, but if you stay in these types of interpersonal transactions, it may zap you of your self esteem. Your self worth is inherent; but your self esteem is volatile. Your self esteem goes up or down depending on how you allow yourself to be treated. It's vital that you esteem yourself highly so that you steer clear of conversations that are fake and one-sided.
We must stay away from people who refuse to hear us! There are many people in the world who are kind, empathetic, skilled and capable of allowing us to be who we truly are without trying to put us down by ignoring us. There are people out there who will listen to us. There are people out there who are capable of a two-way, authentic conversation. You will not get your needs met by talking to people who are ignoring you. You owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are capable of seeing you, being present with you, are there for you and are truly loving. You need others to make room for you--don't settle for anything less.
Stay Out of Conversations with People Who...
- Talks only about themselves.
- Brags about themselves for long stretches of time.
- Cuts you off when you bring something up about yourself.
- Diverts conversation back to themselves.
- Encourages you to speak only when you say something negative or weak about yourself.
- You can only get a word in when you are affirming them.
- You feel like an audience to their life replay.
- Downplay your good news.
Seek Out Conversations with People Who...
- Asking follow-up questions and listening to your answer.
- Talk about themselves, then listen to your reply and allow you to share about yourself.
- Talk back and forth with you.
- Allow for equal air time.
- Listen to your concerns.
- Seem genuine.
- Are happy for your success.
- Track your life occurrences that you share.
- Remember details that you have shared.
- Validate you.
- Mirror your at the same level you mirror them.
People who are not engaging with you in an equal manner are ignoring you. The reason they are ignoring you is because they think they are more important than you, and they don't think that you have the right to exist. They have no room in their mind for you, and thus cannot relate with you in a functional way.
One Way vs. Two Way Conversations
A one-way conversation is the type of conversation you have with a client. When you have a client, you are being paid to serve them. You listen to what they have to say without interjecting your own life experiences in order to give them what they've paid for--whether it be selling them a car, or coaching them on life. A client is paying you for your time, so listening to them in a one-way manner makes sense.
A two-way conversation is one where payment is made between the two people engaged in the conversation. As a part of the unspoken deal, when you are speaking with a functional person, your time, presence, affirmation is returned during the conversation itself (or among other conversations). Sometimes you may focus more on them, sometimes they may listen more to you--but at the end of the day, both parties are represented equally overall.
Don't Settle for Being Ignored
It is a core dependency need that each person has starting in childhood to be heard. It is vital that every person be heard and be seen and feel as though their thoughts, feelings, ideas and perceptions matter. When you are ignored as a child, you begin to feel invisible.
You learn to accept being ignored in childhood. If your needs were ignored, if your authentic truth was ignored, then you will tolerate people who ignore you when you are an adult. You will not learn to have a "say" in relationships. The truth is, some people are incapable of relating with you; all they know is how to bulldoze you. They do not know how to intricately open space for you to be present, for you to express your truth, and for you to get your needs met.
This means you may settle for people who cannot properly meet your adult needs in today's relationships. This is something you need to work on--to reprogram yourself and reparent yourself by listening to your need to be heard, and steering clear of relationships and conversations in which you are ignored--EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SITTING IN THAT PERSON'S PRESENCE.
Don't settle for that conversation!
Get up from the table when respect is not being served!
Go find people who have a seat for you!
Learn to be your true self around accepting others!
You deserve to be heard.
Much love,
Jenna
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Boundaries and the True Self Blueprint™
Boundaries and the True Self Blueprint™
A boundary is the space between you and another person; like your property line.
The term over-used term "boundaries" is too limited for the intricate way I wish to convey the separateness, yet relatedness of the true self for purposes of healing self love and self worth.
So, today I'm coining a new phrase to help define the self.
My new term is the True Self Blueprint. Those of you who know, I'm a real estate broker by profession, and in real estate, we use something called a "survey" to tangibly show on paper and legally to determine the location of a piece of property. In SelfLoveU, we shall use the term "True Self Blueprint" when talking about the distinction of your true and separate self relative to the rest of the world.
The True Self Blue Print has many attributes, including boundaries, easements (where people can get through), fences and structures. The most important thing to understand is that you own something--you have full 100% rights and use of YOU. You are responsible for yourself and to yourself. You are responsible for guarding yourself, tending to yourself and expanding your territory.
When you are born,you became an owner of YOU. When you were born, out of your mother's womb, you took a breath. That breath automatically gave you inherent worth. This inherent worth comes with it's own territory. You own this territory, and this is your True Self Blueprint. I'm using this term for the purpose of healing and recovering self worth and self love.
You own yourself. You have rights to yourself. Think of it this way: You are an energetic structure, and you have ownership rights to do with yourself what you need to do to be true to you.
Aspects of Your True Self
A boundary is the space between you and another person; like your property line.
The term over-used term "boundaries" is too limited for the intricate way I wish to convey the separateness, yet relatedness of the true self for purposes of healing self love and self worth.
So, today I'm coining a new phrase to help define the self.
My new term is the True Self Blueprint. Those of you who know, I'm a real estate broker by profession, and in real estate, we use something called a "survey" to tangibly show on paper and legally to determine the location of a piece of property. In SelfLoveU, we shall use the term "True Self Blueprint" when talking about the distinction of your true and separate self relative to the rest of the world.
The True Self Blue Print has many attributes, including boundaries, easements (where people can get through), fences and structures. The most important thing to understand is that you own something--you have full 100% rights and use of YOU. You are responsible for yourself and to yourself. You are responsible for guarding yourself, tending to yourself and expanding your territory.
When you are born,you became an owner of YOU. When you were born, out of your mother's womb, you took a breath. That breath automatically gave you inherent worth. This inherent worth comes with it's own territory. You own this territory, and this is your True Self Blueprint. I'm using this term for the purpose of healing and recovering self worth and self love.
You own yourself. You have rights to yourself. Think of it this way: You are an energetic structure, and you have ownership rights to do with yourself what you need to do to be true to you.
Aspects of Your True Self
- Your thoughts, feelings
- Your goals and desires
- Your skills, talents and abilities
- Your goals, dreams and visions
- Your beliefs and opinions
- Your past experiences
- Your current experience
- Your Presence
- Your values
- Your empathy
- Your energy and time
- Your inner healing
The list could go on, but hopefully you're getting the point. You are separate. Yes, we are all one at the base level, but for purposes of self worth, self esteem and self love, it's vital that you understand this very tangible quality that you have, which is yourself. Using the idea of a blueprint is a helpful visualization of your existence, potentials and limitations.
Your True Self Blueprint is Who You are
Your True Self is who you are, not who other people want you to be. Your True Self is who you are beneath all the trauma, abuse, false notions, misconceptions, mistakes and wrong turns. Your True Self is always True and can never be destroyed. So long as you have breath in you, you own your True Self. No one has the right to take it away, and only you can allow others to tell you how to execute your rights on your own property, which is you.
As the owner of your life, it is your responsibility to tend to your property, which is you. Of course, you are not a literal object, but this is merely an analogy to help you understand that you exist, that you have worth, and that you are equal to any other property out there, because you exist, you have ownership and existence rights.
What Exists on Your BluePrint?
- Walls, Boundaries, Property Borders, Fences, Gates
- Livestock, Crops
- Buildings, Barns,
- Ponds, Wooded Areas, Pasture
- Wells, Septic
- Streets, Roads
Your True Self Blueprint is YOU. And you get to enjoy all the rights inherent to ownership of yourself. You do not have to allow yourself to be run over by weeds. You do not have to allow foxes in to steal the eggs your hens lay. You do not have to let relatives squat in your guest house. Your property is your property and it is your personal responsibility to tend to the items represented by your True Self Blueprint.
YOU HAVE RIGHTS!!!
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Sunday, January 22, 2017
HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS
There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.
Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.
And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.
A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.
At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.
So there you are.
Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.
Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.
Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.
Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.
Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.
Feeling strange being honest and real.
Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.
Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.
Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.
And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.
There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.
There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.
It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.
It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.
Friday, November 4, 2016
How to Walk Away
I need to do a video on this, but I'm extremely busy with my real estate practice.
I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?
Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.
An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.
If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it.
I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?
Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.
You have to build internal boundaries inside your own psyche. You have to open up the enmeshment like an accordion and let your true self rise up to protect you. You have to allow your anger to surface, and get in touch with your sense of self protection. You have to unravel the trauma bonds. You have to deal with original relationship issues so that you have better internal eyesight when dealing with harmful others. You have to grieve, readjust your thinking and grow into a differentiated human being who doesn't need or rely on external sources of validation. All this you must do!!! It's a long road, but can be done if you work hard, seek guidance and do not give up. ~ Jenna
An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.
If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Remember, You're the Prize
Feeding
someone's ego can be a form of care taking. When someone baits you to
make them feel like they're more valuable than you, or that you are less
than them--and when you take the bait and react--this can be a
form of care taking. It may feel like the easiest route, but quite
covertly, submitting to the agreement that someone else is worth
idealization, awe or unmerited favor actually drains your sense of self.
Propping someone up can be a form of handing over your dignity.
Examples of feeding the ego of another person include:
ALLOWING ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR TO REPEATEDLY AFFECT YOU IN A NEGATIVE WAY EMOTIONALLY.
PRETENDING LIKE IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU POORLY, DISRESPECTS YOU, EXPLOITS YOU.
GIVING SOMEONE ATTENTION, TIME, AFFECTION WHO HAS DISRESPECTED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOT MADE AMENDS OR APOLOGIZED.
It doesn't seem like care taking, but codependency takes myriad forms. You are over-empathizing, over care taking for another person when that person baits you to react and you react in a way that makes them feel important. Screw them. Train yourself to detach and let go from that drama trauma bond. Remember who you are. Soothe your own need for validation. No one outside of you can do what only you can do for yourself--so do yourself a favor and RESPECT YOURSELF enough to take care of you.
This is common in codependent / narcissist relationships. Where the narcissist is the prize and the codependent plays the role of a piece of trash. Watch for it in your engagements if you are recovering from this mess.
Nobody is worthy of you experiencing repeated negative emotion.
Nobody is worthy of you bowing down and submitting your needs.
Nobody deserves your beautiful presence if they are rude to you.
You deserve to be treated with respect at all times with every one you encounter. If you're treated badly or your boundaries are violated, then you must set boundaries internally and externally. Remind yourself of who you are, remind the other of who you are, and be prepared to walk away from any one at any time who fails to respect your rights, your needs, your feelings.
You don't have to fall into the same routine and move to the same dance you've always danced. You can step out of the sequence and choose self-respecting actions, behaviors, thoughts and eventually feelings.
Don't do the heavy-lifting of someone else's ego. You have your own self to uphold.
****** side note *******
Examples of feeding the ego of another person include:
ALLOWING ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR TO REPEATEDLY AFFECT YOU IN A NEGATIVE WAY EMOTIONALLY.
PRETENDING LIKE IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU POORLY, DISRESPECTS YOU, EXPLOITS YOU.
GIVING SOMEONE ATTENTION, TIME, AFFECTION WHO HAS DISRESPECTED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOT MADE AMENDS OR APOLOGIZED.
It doesn't seem like care taking, but codependency takes myriad forms. You are over-empathizing, over care taking for another person when that person baits you to react and you react in a way that makes them feel important. Screw them. Train yourself to detach and let go from that drama trauma bond. Remember who you are. Soothe your own need for validation. No one outside of you can do what only you can do for yourself--so do yourself a favor and RESPECT YOURSELF enough to take care of you.
This is common in codependent / narcissist relationships. Where the narcissist is the prize and the codependent plays the role of a piece of trash. Watch for it in your engagements if you are recovering from this mess.
Nobody is worthy of you experiencing repeated negative emotion.
Nobody is worthy of you bowing down and submitting your needs.
Nobody deserves your beautiful presence if they are rude to you.
You deserve to be treated with respect at all times with every one you encounter. If you're treated badly or your boundaries are violated, then you must set boundaries internally and externally. Remind yourself of who you are, remind the other of who you are, and be prepared to walk away from any one at any time who fails to respect your rights, your needs, your feelings.
You don't have to fall into the same routine and move to the same dance you've always danced. You can step out of the sequence and choose self-respecting actions, behaviors, thoughts and eventually feelings.
Don't do the heavy-lifting of someone else's ego. You have your own self to uphold.
****** side note *******
CARE
TAKING may also have something to do with the "fawn" response. That is,
fight/flight/freeze/fawn response from CPTSD / attachment trauma that
Pete Walker speaks about in his fabulous writings. That automatic care
taking, fawning behavior that is triggered in light of abandonment
fears, that overriding of the cerebral cortex--fawning as a survival
reflex. I've read this article over and over and over and over....
The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker
Monday, October 24, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
103 Things Codependents Don't Know
This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. - Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
- Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
- Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
- Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
- Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
- Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
- Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
- Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
- Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
- Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
- Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
- Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin.
- Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
- Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
- Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
- Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
- Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
- Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
- Codependents don't know what their own values are.
- Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
- Codependents don't really know what they need.
- Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
- Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
- Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
- Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
- Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
- Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
- Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time.
- Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
- Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
- Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
- Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
- Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
- Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
- Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
- Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
- Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
- Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
- Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
- Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
- Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
- Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
- Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
- Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
- Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
- Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
- Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
- Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
- Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
- Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
- Codependents do not know themselves.
- Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
- Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source.
- Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
- Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
- Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
- Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
- Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white.
- Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
- Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
- Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
- Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
- Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
- Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
- Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
- Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
- Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
- Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
- Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
- Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
- Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
- Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
- Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
- Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
- Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
- Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
- Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
- Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
- Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
- Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
- Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
- Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any
situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their
life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
- Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
- Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
- Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
- Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
- Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
- Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
- Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
- Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
- Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
- Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
- Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
- Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance.
- Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
- Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
- Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
- Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
- Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
- Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
- Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
- Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
- Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Shame Attacks by the Inner Critic
The Inner Critic is an internalized version of your IMAGO, in other words, an introject of all the negative messages you received as a child. The Inner Critic is your Super Ego, which is in place to keep you in line. As a child this Inner Critic was formed out of the voice of your primary caretakers towards you. If your caretakers were mean, abusive, abandoning and rejecting, then you have a very strong Inner Critic inside your that is filling you with toxic shame and impeding on your life in a major way. It's like that abusive person or people live inside you today, no matter how long it has been. This is how our minds develop. It is true that the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice.
This Inner Critic is subconscious the creator of the False Self. The False Self is created in effort to appease the primary caretakers in childhood, and to try to help you get the love, attention and direction you so desperately need as a child in order to survive. Your inner critic is shaped in the opposite shape as your primary caretaker. I have found that the Inner Critic serves the following toxic functions:
The Inner Critic is the author of toxic shame. When the Inner Critic is activated, it causes you to feel toxic shame, which is the carried shame of the shamelessness of your abusive primary caretaker. The Inner Critic objectifies you and cuts-you-down if you don't meet it's relentless conditions and demands. If you were abused badly enough, the IC can make you feel guilty for your very existence.
The Inner Critic is EVERYWHERE!!! It is the shaming voice that tells you to do something, then chides you for doing what it told you to do 2 minutes later. The Inner Critic is a voice that's trying to keep you in line, keep you in the bounds of the conditional love that you received in childhood. Just because you grow up doesn't mean it goes away. If you were raised in an abusive, neglectful, disrespectful and abandoning environment, this Inner Critic is alive and well inside you as an adult until you confront it and take it down with the power of unconditional love and acceptance.
Ways to Dismantle the Inner Critic
This Inner Critic is subconscious the creator of the False Self. The False Self is created in effort to appease the primary caretakers in childhood, and to try to help you get the love, attention and direction you so desperately need as a child in order to survive. Your inner critic is shaped in the opposite shape as your primary caretaker. I have found that the Inner Critic serves the following toxic functions:
- Keep you striving for external sources of validation.
- Keep you striving to be perfect.
- Keep you trying to obtain love from abusive sources like you had to do in childhood.
- Keep your true self from emerging because your true self and true feelings were shamed into hiding when you were a child.
- Keep you in line so you won't be abused anymore and so you keep getting conditional love.
- Keep the Fantasy Bond alive between you and your primary caretaker and any other relationships formed after this model.
The Inner Critic is the author of toxic shame. When the Inner Critic is activated, it causes you to feel toxic shame, which is the carried shame of the shamelessness of your abusive primary caretaker. The Inner Critic objectifies you and cuts-you-down if you don't meet it's relentless conditions and demands. If you were abused badly enough, the IC can make you feel guilty for your very existence.
- When you feel worthless, the Inner Critic is behind the scenes subconsciously telling you why you're worthless. (ie: you are a failure, you're overweight, you're a pig, you're stupid, you're an idiot, you're unlovable, etc...)
- When you look at yourself in the mirror, the Inner Critic is the voice inside you that says, your posture is not perfect, you have chicken legs, you are ugly, no one will ever want to be seen with you...
- When you get into your car, the Inner Critic is the voice that says things such as: You're a loser because your breaks are squeaking, your car is dirty, why are you always such a mess?
- When you cook dinner, it's the Inner Critic that says, why don't you give up, you know you can't cook, what an idiot you are! You forgot the salsa, your cooking stinks, and you suck.
- When you're getting into a new relationship, it's the Inner Critic that says, No one will ever want you, you're not hot enough for that girl, she is going to see the real you and run, you have nothing to offer.
- When you're going on a job interview, the Inner Critic is the one that tells you you're going to fail, makes you feel anxious and spill the coffee on your tie.
The Inner Critic is EVERYWHERE!!! It is the shaming voice that tells you to do something, then chides you for doing what it told you to do 2 minutes later. The Inner Critic is a voice that's trying to keep you in line, keep you in the bounds of the conditional love that you received in childhood. Just because you grow up doesn't mean it goes away. If you were raised in an abusive, neglectful, disrespectful and abandoning environment, this Inner Critic is alive and well inside you as an adult until you confront it and take it down with the power of unconditional love and acceptance.
Ways to Dismantle the Inner Critic
- Reparent yourself with positive self talk that incorporates unconditional love and self acceptance.
- Argue / answer the Inner Critic using logic.
- Use logic to convince your Inner Child that the Inner Critic is wrong.
- Remind your Inner Child that you are safe, that it is 2016 and that you have resources you didn't have as a child that you can use today.
- Tell the Inner Critic to "Shut the F up."
- Take up for yourself against the Inner Critic.
- Use insight and inner awareness to recognize the places the Inner Critic hides so you can meet it using your adult intellect.
- Remind yourself that you have worth and value regardless of your mistakes.
- Gently talk to yourself in a kind, compassionate and self accepting way.
- Make positive affirmations on a daily basis about who you truly are.
- Catch the Inner Critic in the act and begin to separate the Real You from the False Self.
- Use art therapy to draw out the different facets of the Inner Critic in your life.
- Use anchoring techniques to anchor good, positive thoughts and feelings in place of the old, painful and negative thoughts and feelings of the IC.
- Re-arrange your memories of past abuse by imagining scenarios that workout in your favor.
- Get the help of an expert therapist to help you dismantle the IC.
- Write down all your self critical thoughts so you know what they are; answer these thoughts with the truth that you are worthy and valuable even though your car is dirty.
- Keep a journal of your negative thoughts so you know what you're dealing with.
- Do mirror work where you overcome the negative, self-defeating thought patterns about yourself with positive thoughts and feelings.
- Practice meditative techniques to let thoughts pass you by without dwelling on them.
- Use thought stopping techniques to stop thinking those awful thoughts or to deal with it later.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Feelings of Worthlessness Reflect How You Were Treated
Chronic feelings of worthlessness do not reflect who you are, it reflects how you were treated as a child. You feel how you were treated in your source relationships, not who you are. When we were treated poorly as children, we internalize the abuse as a way to stay bonded to our caretakers and to survive. We feel it is our fault, we take the blame and become codependent as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of knowing our caretakers are incapable and do not love us. It's as simple as that. When you feel worthless, it is a reflection of how you were treated when your identity was being formed in childhood. The truth is, you are worthy. How others treat you does not make you bad; it makes their actions bad towards you. The real you underneath is as valuable as ever.
It is only by externalizing the internalized negative attitudes and projections of the original source relationships that we can heal and see the truth that we were innocent then, and are innocent now. It was not our fault that we were treated as worthless. It was not our fault that we were devalued. It was not our fault that we were neglected, ignored or abandoned. It was not our fault that we were beaten, shamed and abused. None of these actions were our fault, but we took everything on as if it were... we had to think our caretakers were like gods in order to survive. If we wish to thrive as adults, then we must reverse the logic of our childlike thinking, and see that it wasn't a reflection on who we are. The actions of those who hurt us as children reflect the character of the abusers, not the character of us as innocent children.
Unraveling this line of thoughts is liberating to the adult. When we can finally see who we really were, then we can begin to love ourselves. When we realize that we are not worthless, but rather, worthy of everything we deserve, we can begin to set better boundaries and make better choices to protect ourselves from abuse today.
You are valuable. You are worthy. Every feeling of unworthiness you feel today is unwarranted. Your unworthy feelings are just a reflection of how someone you loved, trusted and depended on treated you as though you were a worthless piece of trash. No, it wasn't on purpose. Your caretaker had their own issues and passed those onto you. The truth is, you matter and you belong on this planet. You have the right to stand up and take ownership of your humanity. You have a right to exist and be happy.
It is only by externalizing the internalized negative attitudes and projections of the original source relationships that we can heal and see the truth that we were innocent then, and are innocent now. It was not our fault that we were treated as worthless. It was not our fault that we were devalued. It was not our fault that we were neglected, ignored or abandoned. It was not our fault that we were beaten, shamed and abused. None of these actions were our fault, but we took everything on as if it were... we had to think our caretakers were like gods in order to survive. If we wish to thrive as adults, then we must reverse the logic of our childlike thinking, and see that it wasn't a reflection on who we are. The actions of those who hurt us as children reflect the character of the abusers, not the character of us as innocent children.
Unraveling this line of thoughts is liberating to the adult. When we can finally see who we really were, then we can begin to love ourselves. When we realize that we are not worthless, but rather, worthy of everything we deserve, we can begin to set better boundaries and make better choices to protect ourselves from abuse today.
You are valuable. You are worthy. Every feeling of unworthiness you feel today is unwarranted. Your unworthy feelings are just a reflection of how someone you loved, trusted and depended on treated you as though you were a worthless piece of trash. No, it wasn't on purpose. Your caretaker had their own issues and passed those onto you. The truth is, you matter and you belong on this planet. You have the right to stand up and take ownership of your humanity. You have a right to exist and be happy.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
100 Ways to Let Go
Letting go is about releasing control or the perception of control. Giving up personal
control of all these things on the list below. Keep in mind... I am not shaming myself for
thinking in old maladaptive ways. I'm not reprimanding myself at all.
I'm using my toolbox of skills to remedy holding on and trying to control. I'm using positive affirmations to combat the inner critic. I'm using thought stopping techniques to put the inner critic in its place. I'm also using meditative skills to just let the feeling or thought pass by; to notice it and allow it to be there.
Respecting myself without having to act or shame myself for feeling or thinking in old ways. I'm stopping myself from obsessing, from ruminating, from being a victim of all these thoughts that are the antithesis of well being.
I'm not shaming myself for holding on; I'm noticing and letting go the best that I can, giving myself lots of grace. This is an important distinction. Non judgement. Letting things be as they are. Accepting reality for what reality is. That is Letting Go. I invite you to let go of these things if you need to. Feel free to add to the list. I could go to 200. :)
I'm using my toolbox of skills to remedy holding on and trying to control. I'm using positive affirmations to combat the inner critic. I'm using thought stopping techniques to put the inner critic in its place. I'm also using meditative skills to just let the feeling or thought pass by; to notice it and allow it to be there.
Respecting myself without having to act or shame myself for feeling or thinking in old ways. I'm stopping myself from obsessing, from ruminating, from being a victim of all these thoughts that are the antithesis of well being.
I'm not shaming myself for holding on; I'm noticing and letting go the best that I can, giving myself lots of grace. This is an important distinction. Non judgement. Letting things be as they are. Accepting reality for what reality is. That is Letting Go. I invite you to let go of these things if you need to. Feel free to add to the list. I could go to 200. :)
- I let go of trying to make people understand me who don't have the capacity to understand me.
- I let go of the need to be perfect.
- I let go of my inner critic telling me I'm not good enough.
- I let go of trying to impress other people.
- I let go of trying to cover up my pain with substances, people, behaviors or activities.
- I let go of ignoring my inner child.
- I let go of having to be right.
- I let go of proving myself.
- I let go of people pleasing.
- I let go of the compulsion to put myself beneath others.
- I let go of the compulsion to look down on others.
- I let go of the need to stay busy all the time.
- I let go of my false self.
- I let go of the pain I've felt for so long.
- I let go of the need to prove that I'm unlovable.
- I let go of my fear of abandonment.
- I let go of my fear of rejection.
- I let go of my need to have someone love me no matter how cruel they are to me.
- I let go of my need to have a perfect body.
- I let go of my need to be accepted by those who are unaccepting of me.
- I let go of my aversion to kindness and love.
- I let go of living in the future or the past.
- I let go of defining myself by my material possessions.
- I let go of trying to prove that I'm right.
- I let go of trying too hard.
- I let go of toxic relationships.
- I let go of relationships that are for show but offer nothing.
- I let go of trying to get the love that I never got in childhood.
- I let go of my need to please the unpleasable.
- I let go of my need to be strong so that I can grieve.
- I let go of hiding from myself.
- I let go of hiding from my vulnerability.
- I let go of hiding from my pain.
- I let go of trying to get affirmation from outside sources.
- I let go of ignoring my deepest intuition.
- I let go of being afraid of what others think of me.
- I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by others.
- I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by myself.
- I let go of the shame I feel for the abuse I've endured.
- I let go of the shame I feel for the progress I've made.
- I let go of the shame for my success.
- I let go of the shame for my failures.
- I let go of feeling like I am bad, worthless, unlovable.
- I let go of feeling guilty for things outside of my control.
- I let go of feeling toxic shame for my mistakes.
- I let go of needing to control others opinions of me.
- I let go of needing to give advice to other people without being asked.
- I let go of feeling pity for those who are abusive towards me.
- I let go of taking the blame for all the problems in my relationships.
- I let go of giving too much in relationships.
- I let go of taking too little in my relationships.
- I let go of hiding my needs to make other people comfortable.
- I let go of saying yes when I mean no.
- I let go of automatically agreeing that others are right and I am wrong.
- I let go of blindly following people without checking with my heart first.
- I let go of feeling sorry that I'm taking up air to breathe.
- I let go of feeling responsible for other people's feelings.
- I let go of feeling responsible for other people's life problems.
- I let go of negative emotions that keep me from myself.
- I let go of eating to soothe emotional pain.
- I let go of exercising to be perfect and accepted.
- I let go of degrading myself in order to motivate myself.
- I let go of judging others.
- I let go of judging myself.
- I let go of seeing myself as all good or all bad (black and white).
- I let go of people who shame me.
- I let go of labels and stereotypes for myself and others.
- I let go of trying to get love from those who have no love to give.
- I let go of allowing myself to be abused.
- I let go of my old story.
- I let go of trying to prove myself to people who are rejecting.
- I let go of rejecting people.
- I let go of ignoring my needs.
- I let go of keeping the peace at the cost of my self esteem.
- I let go of pleasing others while abandoning myself.
- I let go of the fear of anger in others.
- I let go of the need to suffocate my own anger which is there to protect me.
- I let go of denying my feelings.
- I let go of ignoring myself while taking care of others.
- I let go of taking care of those who can take care of themselves.
- I let go of being controlled by others.
- I let go of ignoring my truth.
- I let go of being easily persuaded against my truth.
- I let go of idealizing others.
- I let go of the need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile.
- I let go of feeling unworthy of love.
- I let go of accepting abusive behavior.
- I let go of settling for crumbs.
- I let go of giving myself away.
- I let go of allowing my inner child to be unprotected.
- I let go of shaming myself for my needs.
- I let go of being silent when I need to speak.
- I let go of being compliant when I'm being disrespected.
- I let go of the need to keep peace at all costs.
- I let go of what other people need me to be for their own benefit.
- I let go of being exploited.
- I let go of self criticism.
- I let go of ignoring my inner child.
- I let go of addiction to people.
- I let go of people who can't love me for who I am.
- I let go of the need to perform for accusers.
- I let go of the need to over give to abusive people.
- I let go of the need to comply with bullies.
- I let go of the need to be controlled by others.
- I let go of the habit of putting myself down for my imperfections.
- I let go of comparing myself to others.
- I let go of using outer circumstances to determine my internal worth.
- I let go of ignoring my needs.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Shaming Should Statements
- I should have gotten up and left.
- I should have said something to her.
- I should make more money.
- I should keep my car cleaner.
- I should organize my make-up.
- I should have stood up for myself.
- I should have set a boundary.
Better ways of self-talk...
- Next time I may get-up-and-leave if I feel disrespected. This time I didn't, but that's okay because I had the chance to sit in the sun for a little while longer.
- I didn't say anything to her, even though I felt uncomfortable. That's okay. I'm not perfect and I won't get it right every time. No big deal. I'm still taking good care of myself.
- My value is not found in the money I make. I am comfortable, and I choose not to stress out to make more.
- My car is dirty but it's okay; it is not a reflection on me, my worth or my value. I will clean it when I have time. Until then, I will not judge myself for it being dirty.
- My make-up is disorganized, however, I have a lot of it to maintain. I am not worried about being perfect. Maybe I'll organize my make-up when I have some downtime. Until then, I am perfectly fine with the way things are.
- I didn't stand up for myself like I would have preferred, but that's okay. I'm not going to feel badly about it. I am a work-in-progress. There is not one perfect person on the planet. I'm glad I noticed that I felt disrespected. Next time I may feel stronger and stand up to that person. If not, that's okay too. I accept myself right where I am.
- I am so glad that I recognize areas where I need to set a boundary! Yesterday is over so I can't go back and change what I did or didn't do. All I can do is be grateful for my ability to recognize my needs and defend myself to the best of my ability at any given moment. I give myself grace to be where I am right now, and that's okay.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Trusting Your Intuition
Your intuition is that part of you that knows where to go and what to do. I believe your intuition is connected to your true source, God, the divine intelligence of the universe. I believe the still small voice inside your head telling you to go this way or that way is your intuition. Unfortunately for many of us, our true voices are drowned out by negative voices such as the inner critic.Still, you've got to find your inner light. You've got to learn to be true to your intuitive self. That is what is meant by being true to oneself. Being true to your intuitive truth.
Intuition is a catalyst to action. It goes with you everywhere you go, but sometimes many of us are not open to it. We don't trust it. We were taught to despise it, or to be skeptical of our own so-called "evil" impulses.
Your intuition is your inner guide. It's the knowing that you know that you know underneath your thoughts, feelings, actions. It's a gut feeling, a hunch, a premonition a prophecy. It tells you who is good for you, who is bad for you and it tells you who is toxic.
Your intuition tells you who to trust and who will betray you. Plain, clear, exacting. Your intuition is always ahead of the game giving you direction. ALWAYS. But, we don't always listen to what our guidance system is telling us. We want what we want so we ignore our inner voice until it's so faint, it's like it's smothered by a pillow.
Inside your heart, soul, body and mind exists your core true self connected to the wisdom, knowledge and creative power of God--the creator of all things. Infinite intelligence flows through your being night and day. You have a choice, a decision to make in each moment--and that is to stay true or to deny that which is true for me.
Following your intuition takes practice. If you've experienced any abuse or maladaption in childhood, you may need to connect to your intuition, your truth and become acquainted, perhaps for the first time.
The Messengers of Intuition Here is a list from the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Beckel
Humor
Wonder
Anxiety
Curiosity
Hunches
Gut Feelings
Doubt
Hesitation
Suspicion
Apprehension
Fear
Barriers to Hearing Your Inuition
Childhood abuse or trauma can cause you to lose touch with the voice in your heart, it can also cause you to mistrust your own inclinations.
Desire for approval, recognition, attention, appreciation (narcissistic needs) is stronger than your connection to your core truth.
You don't know the difference between intuition and other voices in your head (as from the Inner Critic).
Lack of confidence or faith in your own truth.
Inability to recognize and take action on intuitive leanings.
Building a relationship of trust between yourself and yourself. Value the impulses of your intuition. Guard your intuitive thoughts and take action to pursue the requests of your deepest heart of hearts.
The key is taking action. You strengthen your connection to your intuition by heeding its yearnings. You can heed the yearnings of your heart in the following ways to get used to the idea:
- Go for a walk without an agenda. Let your intuition lead the way for once. Go where it guides you to go.
- Label your intuition. When you have an intuitive moment, try to catch yourself and label it as such.
- Stand firm in your intuition. Back yourself up. If you feel the strong desire to eat oranges, then do whatever it takes to get that orange in your mouth right away. If you can't stop thinking about a friend, stop what you're doing and call that person.
- Take action. Take action to back up your intuition.
This is the place of higher perspective from which your intuition dwells. It will always have the right answer for you. It will always steer you in the right direction. It has as its goal your eternal expansion. It is the voice of truth inside of you.
Your intuition is like an old fashioned gentleman. It will always let your wild side go first. It isn't boastful, grandiose or exploitative. It doesn't throw tantrums or express rage. Intuition is simply your wise, insightful sage that sits at the core of who you are. It cares deeply for your well being and it knows the truth that you may not be able to see.
Intuition incorporates unconscious clues into its leanings.
Deciphering the Intuitive You from other Parts of You
Each of us have various parts within our psyche including such figments as the wounded child, the adult or wise one, the critical one, the happy one, the sick one, the victim, the list is endless. The secret to determining which is your intuitive truth without becoming confused by this crowd in your mind is to
1. Listen to your heart.
2. Seek to know your intuition.
3. Invite your intuition to live with you in life and to help you.
4. Get to a clear, quite place. Change locations. Go outside. Go for a run or a walk.
5. Fight the tendency to use your cognitive defenses or cognitive biases.
6. Examine your justifications for not following your intuition in real time.
7. Live on a higher level of observation through mindfulness techniques.
8. Develop a meditation practice that will help you to be still and tuned into your inner truth.
9. Set a strong intention to know your intuition.
10. Take baby steps today following the leanings of your heart without asking why, JUST DO IT.
There is a difference between your intuition and a made-up idea. True intuition is subtle as hell. It doesn't knock you over, unless you're very accustomed to following it. It stands firm, resolute, strong, capable, available and ready to lead and guide you, if you will let it.
How to Trust your Intuition
Start practicing now. It will come in handy once a real need to heed your own still voice comes up.
Pitfalls to Following Your Intuition
Your intuition is leading you to your highest good, which may be vastly different than making you feel good this red hot minute. You will need to gain self discipline to override your impulses and instead follow your own inner guidance. You must rise to take action on your own behalf, even when a larger part of you wants to ignore your truth for some other pursuit. The key is to bring your whole self--your ENTIRE SELF into submission of your own inner guidance of intuition and truth. Anything less is Self Betrayal.
Allow your intuition to override your impulses.
Your intuition is tapped into infinite intelligence.
Intuition is clarity. Take bold action to the tune of the clarity inside your heart.
Following your intuition is like playing a musical instrument--except, you're the violin!
It's like a dance where you let your true self take the lead.
Like a therapist in your mind.
Your intuition is that part of you that is beneath the hurt, the pain, the wounds... It's the part of you that exists always, beyond time and space. Even beyond thought and feeling. Your intuition is the core of who you are, linked up with the source of all creation.
Those of us raised to abandon and reject ourselves may not have a clue about following our intuition. Others may follow their intuition every day and not even realize what they're doing. Suffice it to say, the latter experience much happier, fulfilled and satisfying lives. Those who are disconnected from their own true source within will experience pain, neurosis and any manner of mental illness, depression or other negative malady. I repeat. Those who are out-of-touch or out-of-sync with their intuition (like I was) will experience pain insomuch as they do.
Heeding your intuition fully is the result of truly finding yourself. It is the only way to love yourself effectively.
Your intuition is your inner parent. Your inner wisdom. Inner guide. Can you imagine being out-of-touch? Can you imagine turning to addictions instead of heeding the still voice who is the proponent of your highest good?
Your intuition is always with you. It will always comfort, always support. It may correct, but will do so gently, lovingly and without judgment. This inner leaning is the you that loves you, protects you, warns you, fights for you, talks to you, guides you, reminds you,
Intuition consists of pure unconditional acceptance and love. It guides you for your good, not for promise of gain or fear of loss. It doesn't need to get anything. It doesn't need to impress anyone. It doesn't need to prove itself or win anyone over. Intuition doesn't stoop to the level of persecution games, but instead serves as your higher self with a universal perspective beyond all space, time, thoughts and emotion.
Following your intuition won't always bring the great emotional rush that lower level impulsive actions may bring... That's because intuition is centered and clear. It just is, it doesn't need the
It's not the part of you that needs a jolt of intensity just to feel. Your intuition is the part of you that knows what to do. The answers to everything you need are within your heart, though you distract yourself from these answers under the guise of looking for answers.
A big problem is questioning your intuition. This may occur if you were raised to abandon yourself. You may question if your perceptions are correct, or if you're off base. The key to knowing is in going higher to the level of your motive. Letting that high place penetrate the low, needy, desperate wounded child that wants what it wants and doesn't care if what it wants is nothing like it really wants.
Your wounded child is the biggest blocker of your intuition.
- That's not a good idea.
- This person is exploitative.
- Stay away from her.
- Stop this relationship.
- This friend is good.
- He can't be what I need.
There may be another drive or impulse for them to override their better judgment and take a huge risk with an abusive person... whereas the intuitive true self says, "He's not good for you."
But if you are not accustomed to heeding your true self, you may barely be able to discern it from all the other noise. If you haven't been taught the value of that true self, then you may just steam roll over it with your wounded child's impulsive pursuits.
If you're plugged into your intuitive center, your life will be so much better. This is the essence of inner bonding and intimacy with others.
Intuition will never lead you astray. If you're off-track, it's likely because you failed to listen and act according to your own inner wisdom.
Intuition doesn't need to pick up the phone and get someone's advice, but your false self might. Your false self might be looking for outside validation for bullying the true self and ruling your life as you go from one mistake to the other.
So long as you ignore your intuition, you will continue to lose pieces of yourself that you need to reach your destination: Your highest good.
You believe it? It must be true.
You want that? I will get it for you.
You don't like that? I will make it stop.
You think that? What I think means everything to me.
You feel how? My feelings are my emotional guidance system.
Intuition is not the negative voice inside your head, or the inner critic telling you that you're no good, incompetent and decrepit... That would be the antithesis of intuition. Intuition is always true, always pure, always clear, always correct. It is not confusing, frustrating, badgering and nagging. It's still. It's quiet. It's soft and it whispers. It is trying to lead and guide you beneath the surface. It's your turn now to let it rule.
Weigh intuition against rational mind. Judith Orliff.
The key for those who are learning to love themselves is that you give space to the intuition, perhaps even for the first time. Space for your truth to be heard and respected--by you, your very own self.
Intuition is a feeling in the body, in the gut especially, about another person.
Sometimes the wrong decision is disguised as the easiest.
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/03/21/listen-to-your-heart-7-ways-to-trust-your-intuition/
Our minds seek comfort. Our hearts seek truth.
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/03/21/listen-to-your-heart-7-ways-to-trust-your-intuition/
“I believe in intuitions and inspirations… I sometimes ‘feel’ that I am right. I do not ‘know’ that I am.” ~ Albert Einstein
“We have five senses in which we glory and which we recognize and celebrate, senses that constitute the sensible world for us. But there are other senses — secret senses, sixth senses, if you will — equally vital, but unrecognized, and unlauded.” ~ Oliver Sacks
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/03/21/listen-to-your-heart-7-ways-to-trust-your-intuition/
3. Look for the signs. Often we overlook subtle synchronicities which are there to guide us down the best path. I believe that such signs are actually our subconscious trying to communicate with our conscious self. We should pay attention to coincidences and make note of subtle symbols which might lead us to discover a more authentic life choice which is truly best for us.
“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs
“Intuition is seeing with the soul.” ~ Dean Koontzhttp://www.wikihow.com/Follow-Your-Intuition
Intuition is "knowing" something without being able to explain how you came to that conclusion rationally.[1] It's that mysterious "gut feeling" or "instinct" that often turns out to be right, in retrospect. When you've whittled down your options and are stuck at a crossroads, getting in touch with your intuition can help. Learning how to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, is difficult but intuition can be developed, especially when following some of these ideas.
Intuition is basically how you quickly tap into your subconscious mind, which is where you "archive" all kinds of information that you don't remember on a conscious level.[2] Sometimes you pick up on things subconsciously without realizing it, such as body language. It'll register as a certain "feeling" that you can't articulate at that moment, but it could very well be valid.[3]
2
Ask yourself questions and listen to the first answer that pops into your mind.
That isn't easy, because several thoughts will flood your mind at once.
For instance, let's say you're looking at a menu. In figuring out what
you want, pick out the first thing that stands out to you. Ignore the
remainder of your thoughts, like for example: "But I didn't even look at
the specials" or "But my friend is on a diet and I'll feel bad eating
this in front of him" or "But my uncle said the mashed potatoes he had
here were too mushy" etc. Don't dwell on it. Just pick something. It
might be scary, because what if you make the wrong choice? Do not worry,
you will be fine.
t https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpte6gGyVcc
Voice of intuition is quiet, quick, transcendental, peace, void of these emotional ties, attachment and fears. Not intense resistance to
Patient, not urgent. Perspective of this most expansive, eternal view of yourself does not align with fear.
Ego will keep you separate to avoid annhiliation. You better do this now or something bad will happen. Judgment, bad, cynisism.
True self does not question worth. Sees world more horizontally. Other same as self.
Ego feeds off of both extremes. Better than/Less Than, self defeating shame or self defeating pride. Never in present moment.
Strengthen connection with the True Self.
Seek and ye shall find.
Only through stillness that it can come through.
You have to be soft to be able to receive.
Let go of the need for the illusion of separateness between you and others.
right, superior, function of ego
Ego feeds off of need.
True self focuses on desire
Labels:
Appreciate yourself,
intuition,
Self Love
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