My Journey from Child Abuse Recovery to Self Love (Jenna Video)

InBrief: The Science of Neglect

Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

Invalidation

INVALIDATION is the root of codependency. Our true selves, our personal truth was not validated... If we want to heal we must REPARENT ourselves by validating ourselves instead of repeating the abuse that we received while our hearts were innocent and vulnerable... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse

This article contains my research on Invalidation

"Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it."

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. 


All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. 

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."
How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

• We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
• We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
• We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
• We are ignored
• We are judged
• We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.


Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)


Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

A person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.
___

Validating / Invalidating  - Great article

"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it.  Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object." 


They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
___
 

Linehan (1993a) investigates 'invalidating environments' and relates them to self injury.

"An invalidating environment is one in which communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, or extreme responses. In other words, the expression of private experiences is not validated; instead it is often punished and/or trivialized. The experience of painful emotions disregarded. The individual's interpretations of her own behavior, including the experience of the intents and motivations of the behavior, are dismissed..."

"When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage."

Addressing Invalidation with CBT

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment is a form of ignoring that people do to manipulate others into giving them what they want or doing what they want. It is a covert form of psychological and emotional abuse that is passive aggressive and leaves no mess for the perpetrator. When a person uses the Silent Treatment on you, it causes you to lose your self esteem.  If you find yourself reaching out to a friend, lover, parent, boss or anyone who ignores you or who withdraws from you chronically, you may be experiencing the abuse of the Silent Treatment.  

Silence pleads innocence whether it's innocent or not. It's easy for the abuser to deny any wrong doing or to make up excuses as to why they've gotten quiet. The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing.

This form of emotional abuse has the ability to humiliate and confuse the victim. "It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser."

The Silent Treatment is a Harmful Way to Get What You Want



This is an excerpt from "Types of Emotional Child Abuse" from "The Invisible Scar.com"

How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.

Giving the silent treatment.

“No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)

The abusive parent will withhold attention and affection until the child caves in and apologizes for whatever the abuser perceived as a slight or insult. Through a series of silent treatments, the abused child will learn to be silent, to be docile, to never speak against the parent—because if the child does, he will not be loved or spoken to or even acknowledged as a human being.
 

You Have Permission

Growing up the way I did, with a step-father who was a huge disciplinarian to the point of being abusive, I learned somehow that my lot in life was to be sad, bad and undeserving. I was conditioned to believe that I couldn't have fun, couldn't enjoy my life, couldn't embrace the totality of my vitality. He forced me to deny my pleasure, deny my wants, needs and anything that made me individual.

As an adult who is healing, I see that in many ways I've carried this abusive, punishing parental figure with me in my heart. This voice I cannot hear, but that underlies my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. This voice tells me that it's not okay to be happy. It's not okay to be equal. It's not okay to enjoy life. It's not okay to be who I am. This critical voice tells me that it's not okay to shine. Not okay to experience my truth.

While soul searching I found the root of this voice, the one that tells me that I deserve to be punished, that I am unworthy and incapable of complete fulfillment. I discovered that beneath the lies that I was taught to believe about myself there is a core of pure love--the source of my existence. This pure love, this source, this truth of who I am was not thwarted by the false teachings. This truth of who I am was only silenced for a time, but it is still alive and well. This is my personal power. Now that I am aware, I can tap into this truth and experience it in some ways for the first time.

The truth is that I AM WORTHY. I am pure love. I am valuable. I am capable. I am competent. I am equal to the rest of humanity. I am able to experience pure joy and pure bliss. I am able to tap into this truth of who I am and allow every part of me to live fully and experience this truth that is me.

I have permission from my truth, this source of my existence to be who I am. All I need to do is realize it. The punishing father taught me to deny my truth, to deny my right to completeness. Though I was taught to deny my essence, today I have the power and authority to override the negative voices and give myself permission to be who I am. Today I give myself permission to be happy, to live fully and to be equal. You can too.

PART 1: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

Wow. This is a difficult article to write. Why? Because there is not one answer to it. Rising above negative emotion that stems from the root of childhood abuse and neglect is a complicated process, one that requires everything you've got--and more.

The biggest issue is that being neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated as a child causes your identity to be wrought in SHAME. The opposite of love, affection, attention is shame. When a child does not get its developmental needs met, the natural by-product is shame. Shame is a horrible, disgusting, terrible feeling that broods beneath the surface and shapes everything you say and do. I can't tell you how badly shame makes you feel. If you're reading this article, you likely know--though you may not have a handle on it.

Parts of me that I thought were me, the parts that made me feel worthless, I found out through my healing journey were not me at all.  It was shame. The revelation changed my life forever. There were so many ways I was held back by an intense feeling of shame--that I never knew was there, until I rose above it by being mindful of every feeling and thought that I felt.

Shame. I'll never forget when I first came face-to-face with this unruly beast. I'm not talking about your normal shame, that for feeling badly for something you've done in the presence of a social group--that kind of shame is reasonable, manageable and normal. No big deal. No, I'm talking about the kind of shame that rots you out to the core--makes you sit down when you should stand. Keeps you locked behind closed doors, handcuffed in a world while crying cause it's passing you by. TOXIC SHAME.

Toxic Shame is a type of shame you don't deserve. It's the type of shame that is the by-product of neglect, abandonment and abuse of childhood. If you experienced a bad childhood and you know it, and you haven't dealt with your shame, I feel very sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks and it hurts and you may not even realize it. Pain hides in such strange ways. It makes you kick yourself... little do you know, you don't deserve it. It's shame that's not yours.

Anyway. Toxic shame is what occurs when a parent acts shamelessly by passing their shameful behavior (that of neglect, abuse or whatever) onto you without remorse. It's a long story. Whenever someone passes that stuff onto you, your caretaker--who DOES NOT REALIZE what he or she is doing... they are only reacting and re-enacting their own abuse--they are passing on shame that does not belong to you. IT'S NOT YOURS. But, as a small child, your only recourse is to take the blame. You believe you're worthless. You embrace their shame as if it is your own. Why? Because ...

You're tiny.
You're vulnerable.
You have no protection.

You're mind is protecting you from realizing that you are being raised by incompetent people.

Our minds are pre-wired to protect us from the harms of poorly functioning adults. In order to protect us from the realization that we are unloved as children (unloved in the sense that we're not loved with true, adequate love), our brains internalize the flaws of our parents. Our brains internalize the flaws that our parents can't face. Our little, developing brains internalize the projections of our parents. Stuff they can't deal with, we, as little vulnerable children gulp down. We take all the stuff they can't because we MUST BELIEVE THEY ARE PERFECT in order to develop psychologically.

You see, believing that we're worthless is a defense mechanism against insanity. Evolution tells us (or whatever that is) that our brains are wired to protect ourselves from the lack of love. Babies who don't get adequate love can die--ACTUALLY DIE. Therefore we are hard wired to become delusional if our primary caretakers are incapable of giving us the real love we need. We pretend in our little minds that the abusive caretaker is perfect, and we, believe that we--instead of them--are the devil personified. We take on their shame. This is TOXIC SHAME. It is not ours, but we put it on. We don it in order to delude ourselves into thinking that they love us, when in fact they do not, cannot and will not. It is not their fault, nor is it ours.

SHAME. I'm trying to write an article about how to overcome negative emotion, but I cannot do so unless I describe to you the presence of shame, and help you to know what it is. In order to get rid of the most troublesome emotion of all time, you must first know it is there.

I found shame in places I never knew it could be found. I still find it from time to time. Look for it. It's lurking. It's hanging out around every corner. Every time you feel badly, shame--toxic shame--is the culprit. So much to say. My fingers hurt. Next time, I'll share more. Much love. Good luck in your journey. Rise above shame by first recognizing it.

Awareness is Key


If you want to rise above the negative emotion, you must first recognize it is there. You may uncover negative emotion in a million ways, just under the surface. I love this article by another writer which defines it well regarding the patterns of self-hatred. Feelings of unworthiness may hide beneath the surface and be tricky to find... but once you open to learning the truth about your feelings, to honoring and respecting your feelings and to start being mindful of your self-talk, you will start to unravel your feelings and find the root of its cause.



More later....

Things Narcissists Do Tweet Recap

This was a very popular tweet string that I've consolidated into a post. Follow me on Twitter @dotjenna to get these and other great tweets that will help you recover from Narcissistic Abuse. I will add more as I go...

A Narcissist is someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This means that they are exploitative and can hurt you psychologically and emotionally if you get to close to them. People who take selfies may have narcissistic traits, but that does not make them narcissists, nor does it mean they have the disorder. Everyone has a measure of narcissism--that's healthy. It's the disordered individuals who have too much that we need to worry about.

There is the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then there is the malignant Narcissist that is completely sadistic. The worse type of person on this continuum is the psychopath and sociopath. The one thing that all these disordered people have in common is lack of empathy, and the way they use people as objects for narcissistic supply. 

ThingsNarcissistsDo: No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. [tweet this]

ThingsNarcissistsDo: Abuse you covertly by bringing up things subtly in conversation to make you doubt yourself. [tweet this]

If caught red handed in a lie, will say, "I never said that!" This is an abuse tactic called "Gas Lighting." #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Abuse you, then accuse you of being the abuser. This makes you question your own experience of reality. #ThingsNarcissistsDo #gaslighting

Refuses to take responsibility for behavior, mistakes or how he/she hurts you. Blames you for being hurt. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

"Their entire focus is to convince everyone around them of their superiority in every aspect of life." #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Mimics your personality until you're trapped, ie: you have kids, you're partners... then shows true self. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Uses introjection (mimcry) to ensnare his/her victim and trap into cycle of abuse. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Believes his time more valuable than others. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Hangs around the biggest celebrity or person with highest social status at the party. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

"Acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time." Sam Vadkin #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Refuses to deal with issues; projects & blames others instead, starting with 3 yr olds. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Just because someone takes "selfies," does not make them a narcissist. Only those who have no empathy & suck ur blood. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will get revenge on you, so watch out! #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Cover their asses by being amazing and saintly in order to gain your trust and get control of your heart. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Agree with you when you're sad and putting yourself down. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Rub it in with salt. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Are more interested in how they look to others than long term things like quality relationships. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Drop you like a hot potato once you're hooked on them. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Be amazing to you the whole time-super amazing--then when you're neck is on the guillotine, they pull the cord & laugh. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Give you everything but the one thing you need from them in order to keep you waiting and dependent. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Make promises, imply promises but never deliver. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will often times profess to be a Christian because they love to be things that seem innocent, sweet and good. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

If the child wants grilled cheese for lunch, they will say NO, you're having a hot dog. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Puts condition on their love and acceptance. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Goes after successful people who have a big heart, but also a weak area or insecurity that makes them vulnerable. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Makes one of their children into a GOD, but still sucks the emotions, energy and blood out of that child. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Puts their daughters in beauty pageants. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Requires those who want their acceptance to feel only as they say they can feel. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Cannot see people as individuals with equal rights and their own feelings. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Has grandiose fantasies of amazing relationships & marvelous accomplishments that never existed. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Does not allow their children to have thoughts, ideas and/or feelings of their own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Complains that their 5 year old has "behavioral problems." (Yeah, right... they've got a blood-sucking parent!!!) #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Requires that you never criticize or disagree with them. If you cross them, you're toilet paper. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Raises children who are codependent, needy and unaware of their own feelings. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Pushes your buttons, then make you feel guilty for losing your composure. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Plays favorites among their children. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Competes with their daughter or son. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Is incapable of empathizing with another person, thereby easily abusing without a conscience. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Is excellent at getting people to think he/she can do no wrong while casting shadows on the one she's threatened by. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Preys on weak people with low self esteem who are in desperate need of love--then takes advantage of that neediness. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treats one of their children worse than all the others. Projects their own ugliness on this poor outcast child. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treats one of their children as if they are GOD. Pampers one child and treats the rest like dog shit. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Comes back around to suck you back in once you've gotten on with your life. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Makes you feel like you're the most important thing in the world, then when you're all-in, dumps you cold. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Abuses their children severely. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Mimics you to flatter you in order to gain your trust and use you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Does things to make you go nuts, then when you lose your cool, makes it look like you're the crazy one. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Refuse to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Play psychological games. Tactics such as withholding, ie: not returning phone calls, being intermittently available. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Create triangles. Abuse you by proxy through a third party. This is Sadistic, Malignant SOB #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Perfectionistic. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treat they're children like their worthy only for their accomplishments. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Name drop in social settings, try to impress you about their friends for no other reason than to impress you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Feel necessary to get as many acronyms behind their name as possible to give the illusion of power. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Brag about their abilities without commensurate accomplishments. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

The worst thing is thinking the best in someone, starting to trust the are real and then--FANGS, devaluation #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

"Men promised her the world and secretly expected it from her." Élan Golomb, PhD #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding . #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will try to associate with people in prominent positions to siphon power. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Hanging outta the passengers side of his best friends' ride trying to hollar at me. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist doesn't talk about narcissism. He/She usually is too self-involved to see it in others. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will treat you like you are royalty until he/she no longer needs you... Then you become used toilet paper. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists LIE, LIE, LIE. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

The American Government is filled to the brim with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Every day you encounter narcissists. They are the ones who hurt you & make you sad. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists are everywhere. They may look great, they may look humble. They all will hurt you if you let them close. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

One way to test to see if a person is a narcissist--Do they consider your feelings? #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists create triangles, stir dissension & cause conflict to distract & gain power. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissist have no empathy. They don't care about your feelings, AT ALL. Only their own. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist is like a zombie who doesn't care & doesn't love. It just wants to consume your emotional goodies. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

#1 way to know you're dealing with a narcissist is the disregard of your feelings. A real human can't do that. #ThingsNarsissistsDo #empathy 

You know a Narcissist by #1 how they can't accept your feelings. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Not all narcissists are like Obama. Some are more like Mother Theresa. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

The Narcissist cannot give unless he/she is trying to manipulate you to gain your trust. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

If you want to get rid of a narcissist, just tell him/her what you need. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will project their doo doo on you and hate you for it. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will drop you the moment you assert a need. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

CANNOT GIVE, unless they're doing it to manipulate you into trusting them so they can gain power over you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Play mind-games. Call you every day for a week, then stop calling--makes you think you did something wrong. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Always wanting to get you off track & onto their agenda. Use psychological games to gain power over you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

They do not love, they only ENVY. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Act like you're the greatest thing in the world until you believe them; then drop you like you're trailer trash. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Devalue you. Get close to you, act like they care, then leave you standing in the cold. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Surrounds themselves with a circle of fawns who praise their every deed. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Suddenly disappear, change the subject or get grumpy when you assert a need of your own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will only be charming, nice, considerate when you have something they want. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will not own up to mistakes. Blames someone else. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Secretly enjoy seeing you in emotional pain and confusion. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Get self esteem by diminishing yours. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Avoid you when you do something praise-worthy. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Withdraw as a way to maintain the power in the relationship. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Act like the perfect mother, father or family in public, then behind closed doors rage and abuse their children. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

More concerned about power and control than equal relating and meaningful connection. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Surround themselves with people who will fawn over them, like who they like, hate who they hate. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Play dumb. Pretend they don't know how to function in life so that you can help them suck the blood out of you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Create triangles. Pit friends against each other. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Seem really cool from afar, but get up close and find that they are empty and souless as a Barbie Doll. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Actually believe cheap flattery. They're very easy to control with flattery that a normal person would recognize. #ThingsNarcissistsDo  


Follow me on Twitter @dotjenna

How to Let Go of Fear of Abandonment

by K. Nola Mokeyane
 
The fear of abandonment is an insidious phenomenon that can create chaos and unhappiness for partners in romantic relationships. People with abandonment issues are often attracted to unavailable partners with whom they can't -- for one reason or another -- fall completely in love, says clinical psychologist and relationship psychoanalyst Frances Cohen Praver, writing for "Psychology Today." Praver believes that this pattern allows those affected by relationship abandonment issues to play it safe and not fully commit their feelings in a relationship for fear of getting hurt by the abandonment they so desperately want to avoid.

Forgive
One way for you to let go of your fear of abandonment is to practice forgiveness. Part of the reason you may be holding onto this fear is because you're holding on to anger, sadness and other difficult emotions related to abandonment you experienced in the past. If your mother or father abandoned you as a child, it's understandable to still feel hurt. What's not helpful is to assume that other people will make the same choices made by your parents or other significant people who've abandoned you. Mental health counselor Donna M. White, writing for "Psych Central," notes that " forgiveness . . . is about giving you the power to accept the situation for what it is or was, letting go, moving past anger and pain and moving into a better and healthier place." Finding a way to forgive someone who's abandoned you gives you personal freedom and makes room for healthier romantic relationships.

Recognize Your Worth
If you experienced abandonment as a child, your mind may have deduced that if a parent left you, then friends, romantic partners and other significant people in your life are bound to leave you as well. If you took this loss personally and somehow felt responsible for your parent leaving you, then you may feel like your parent chose to leave because you weren't worthy enough for him or her to stay. Clearly, these deductions are fallacious. Human beings undergo complex psychological processes -- making all sorts of choices -- and children aren't responsible for a parent's choice to abandon them. If you believe that you're worthless, then all your actions will be in line with that belief, advises the Theravive website, created by a network of counselors and therapeutic clinics. You need to realize that you're not to blame for your parent's abandonment and see yourself as worthy of love and healthy relationships.

Redirect Negative Thoughts
It's important to redirect negative thoughts in order to let go of your fear of abandonment. If you find yourself obsessed with thoughts of your partner cheating on you, or if you're incredibly worried that she'll leave you one day, first recognize that your thoughts may be irrational, and then seek to entertain healthier ones. If you have strong reasons to believe your partner is cheating on you, then don't obsess about it -- ask him. If he says he's not cheating and you have no proof or red flags to support your suspicions, then it's time to move on. If these thoughts arise again, remind yourself that you've already resolved this issue with your partner and redirect your thinking to something more pleasant, such as good things about your relationship. You don't have to succumb to negative thinking -- you can simply observe negative thoughts as they arise, acknowledge them and make a conscious choice to think of something that is more beneficial to you.

Seek Professional Help
If you find that your fear of abandonment is severe -- causing you serious distress in romantic relationships -- then you might benefit from seeking professional help. Therapy can assist you in a number of ways, including helping you identify the source of your fears, allowing you to see how fear of abandonment shows up in your patterns of behavior and offering viable solutions for managing this common fear. Sometimes simply talking to someone about thoughts and feelings that are deeply buried can provide you a release that enables you to think more clearly and make better relationship choices. Therapy is a useful tool that can assist you in letting go of your fear of abandonment permanently.

by K. Nola Mokeyane