HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS

There comes a point when you're aware of all the manipulations of the narcissist and other disordered people and you know who to let in and you know who to keep out. You know your own feelings because you've learned to be in touch with them and not run from them or drown them in addictions. You whittle away all the "family and friends" who treat you as less-than-worthy. You go no contact with people who are abusive quickly, more fully. Step-by-painful-step, you learn to steer away from new friendships and romantic relationships that have warning signs. You get down to the bone.
You get beyond all the manipulations and abuses that you formerly allowed to get past your lack of boundaries. You protect yourself from abusive others. You win. You spend some time alone. Along this healing journey, you learn to cherish being alone, knowing that you're no longer being hurt, rejected or repeatedly disrespected. You get alone and you get happier.

Then you take steps to get out there into the sunlight of relationships again, meet new people, venture out, make the effort, then you go through this path of meeting people, then figuring out where they're harming you, closing the door, healing, going out, meeting new people, and you rise. You shed a lot of friends. You close a lot of doors. You open new doors only to close them when you see the truth of how they hurt you in the places where your own boundary holes exist. You heal to a higher level of self love, and the quality of people in your life becomes better and better.

And these new people in your life, at the center of self love are loving towards you and kind. They treat you like you're welcome, not like you're worthless. They respect your boundaries. They love who you are. They appreciate you, compliment you and treat you like a jewel. They don't envy you; they want to see you be the best you can be in every way.

A few people are in-between, but you learn to go with this flow, and only let certain people in so far. Only if they're safe. You go slowly. You run your own self by your intuition.

At first, being down to this core level of self-love relationships with others, you may feel uncomfortable. After all, you're not used to this at all--but you know you can't go back to crazy making, gas lighting, boundary busting, flying monkeys. You see them and they're no longer able to hook you. You also cannot happily be alone, because you're hardwired for relationships.

So there you are.

Feeling strange to be around people who actually care about you unconditionally because you are you.

Feeling strange to be complimented and given kudos for just being you.

Feeling strange to talk to a friend just as a friend, and not as their narcissistic supply, echo or mirror.

Feeling strange to relate one-to-one with another being at this higher level of consciousness that you hold.

Feeling strange not to feel the need to prove yourself.

Feeling strange being honest and real.

Feeling strange that you're not worshiping an image.

Feeling strange to notice weaknesses and to experience your own vulnerability.

Feeling strange to be afraid of intimacy and closeness since it's not been available in that lower-level mess of people in your life before.

And you go through that strangeness. Like exercising for the first time, or eating healthy, you learn to relate healthily, love truthfully. Loving people for their own sakes, not for what they give you or you give to them, but for who they are.

There is a point where you get beyond the abuse and down to the core of who you are and then you grow and build bad ass friendships and incredible relationships with people that are equal and mutually satisfying.

There is no shame in this. There is no shame in going through people and protecting yourself. There is no shame that you had to learn the hard way. There is no shame that you didn't know everything but had to go through stuff to learn the truth about love and relationships. No shame at all to say goodbye to hurtful others and be awkward for a while with new, nice sweet people who truly care about you. No shame for not having this all along.

It's okay to be right where you are. It takes as long as it takes. You can start anywhere at any time.

It doesn't feel normal at first, but if you stick with it. Stay away from the bad ones and migrate towards the good ones, eventually, that will be all you know. And you will continue to grow.
Jenna

Self Love: You Attract The Relationships You Need to Heal (Video)

100 Ways to Let Go

Letting go is about releasing control or the perception of control. Giving up personal control of all these things on the list below. Keep in mind... I am not shaming myself for thinking in old maladaptive ways. I'm not reprimanding myself at all.

I'm using my toolbox of skills to remedy holding on and trying to control. I'm using positive affirmations to combat the inner critic. I'm using thought stopping techniques to put the inner critic in its place. I'm also using meditative skills to just let the feeling or thought pass by; to notice it and allow it to be there.

Respecting myself without having to act or shame myself for feeling or thinking in old ways. I'm stopping myself from obsessing, from ruminating, from being a victim of all these thoughts that are the antithesis of well being.

I'm not shaming myself for holding on; I'm noticing and letting go the best that I can, giving myself lots of grace. This is an important distinction. Non judgement. Letting things be as they are. Accepting reality for what reality is. That is Letting Go. I invite you to let go of these things if you need to. Feel free to add to the list. I could go to 200. :)

1. I let go of trying to make people understand me who don't have the capacity to understand me.
2. I let go of the need to be perfect.
3. I let go of my inner critic telling me I'm not good enough.
4. I let go of trying to impress other people.
5. I let go of trying to cover up my pain with substances, people, behaviors or activities.
6. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
7. I let go of having to be right.
8. I let go of proving myself.
9. I let go of people pleasing.
10. I let go of the compulsion to put myself beneath others.
11. I let go of the compulsion to look down on others.
12. I let go of the need to stay busy all the time.
13. I let go of my false self.
14. I let go of the pain I've felt for so long.
15. I let go of the need to prove that I'm unlovable.
16. I let go of my fear of abandonment.
17. I let go of my fear of rejection.
18. I let go of my need to have someone love me no matter how cruel they are to me.
19. I let go of my need to have a perfect body.
20. I let go of my need to be accepted by those who are unaccepting of me.
21. I let go of my aversion to kindness and love.
22. I let go of living in the future or the past.
23. I let go of defining myself by my material possessions.
24. I let go of trying to prove that I'm right.
25. I let go of trying too hard.
26. I let go of toxic relationships.
27. I let go of relationships that are for show but offer nothing.
28. I let go of trying to get the love that I never got in childhood.
29. I let go of my need to please the unpleasable.
30. I let go of my need to be strong so that I can grieve.
31. I let go of hiding from myself.
32. I let go of hiding from my vulnerability.
33. I let go of hiding from my pain.
34. I let go of trying to get affirmation from outside sources.
35. I let go of ignoring my deepest intuition.
36. I let go of being afraid of what others think of me.
37. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by others. 
38. I let go of allowing myself to be shamed by myself.
39. I let go of the shame I feel for the abuse I've endured.
40. I let go of the shame I feel for the progress I've made.
41. I let go of the shame for my success.
42. I let go of the shame for my failures.
43. I let go of feeling like I am bad, worthless, unlovable.
44. I let go of feeling guilty for things outside of my control.
45. I let go of feeling toxic shame for my mistakes.
46. I let go of needing to control others opinions of me.
47. I let go of needing to give advice to other people without being asked.
48. I let go of feeling pity for those who are abusive towards me. 
49. I let go of taking the blame for all the problems in my relationships.
50. I let go of giving too much in relationships.
51. I let go of taking too little in my relationships.
52. I let go of hiding my needs to make other people comfortable.
53. I let go of saying yes when I mean no.
54. I let go of automatically agreeing that others are right and I am wrong.
55. I let go of blindly following people without checking with my heart first.
56. I let go of feeling sorry that I'm taking up air to breathe.
57. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's feelings.
58. I let go of feeling responsible for other people's life problems.
59. I let go of negative emotions that keep me from myself.
60. I let go of eating to soothe emotional pain.
61. I let go of exercising to be perfect and accepted.
62. I let go of degrading myself in order to motivate myself.
63. I let go of judging others.
64. I let go of judging myself.
65. I let go of seeing myself as all good or all bad (black and white).
66. I let go of people who shame me.
67. I let go of labels and stereotypes for myself and others.
68. I let go of trying to get love from those who have no love to give.
69. I let go of allowing myself to be abused.
70. I let go of my old story.
71. I let go of trying to prove myself to people who are rejecting.
72. I let go of rejecting people.
73. I let go of ignoring my needs.
74. I let go of keeping the peace at the cost of my self esteem.
75. I let go of pleasing others while abandoning myself.
76. I let go of the fear of anger in others.
77. I let go of the need to suffocate my own anger which is there to protect me.
78. I let go of denying my feelings.
79. I let go of ignoring myself while taking care of others.
80. I let go of taking care of those who can take care of themselves.
81. I let go of being controlled by others.
82. I let go of ignoring my truth.
83. I let go of being easily persuaded against my truth.
84. I let go of idealizing others.
85. I let go of the need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile.
86. I let go of feeling unworthy of love.
87. I let go of accepting abusive behavior.
88. I let go of settling for crumbs.
89. I let go of giving myself away.
90. I let go of allowing my inner child to be unprotected.
91. I let go of shaming myself for my needs.
92. I let go of being silent when I need to speak.
93. I let go of being compliant when I'm being disrespected.
94. I let go of the need to keep peace at all costs.
95. I let go of what other people need me to be for their own benefit.
96. I let go of being exploited.
97. I let go of self criticism.
98. I let go of ignoring my inner child.
99. I let go of addiction to people.
100. I let go of people who can't love me for who I am.
101. I let go of the need to perform for accusers.
102. I let go of the need to over give to abusive people.
103. I let go of the need to comply with bullies. 
104. I let go of the need to be controlled by others.
105. I let go of the habit of putting myself down for my imperfections.
106. I let go of comparing myself to others.
107. I let go of using outer circumstances to determine my internal worth.
108. I let go of ignoring my needs.

See the Behavior, Not the Excuses

Those of us who may have once had difficulty loving ourselves, raised by narcissists, are dependent on the opinions of others, and are people pleasers who feel the need to gain outside approval have a tendency to let abusive people off the hook too easily. We do this by our own internal thought processes. We make the abuser okay. We make the manipulative person okay. We make the narcissist okay to ourselves by making excuses for their behavior rather than seeing the behavior for what it is and taking care of our own interests.

I did a video on "Making Excuses for the Abuser" a week or so ago. This is a follow-up to that video.

Here is a list of examples:

Linda was rude to me the other night, barking orders at me and not letting me finish a sentence because she's a very intense person and she'd had 2 glasses of wine and all her friends around, so she was excited.

Behavior: Linda was rude to me the other night.

________________

Mark started yelling at me the other night while we were cuddling because he has issues. His mother abandoned him as a child and his ex-wife cheated on him. 


Behavior: Mark started yelling at me the other night for no reason.

________________

Kendra stood me up on my birthday because her phone was broken and she had to work late.

Behavior: Kendra stood me up on my birthday.

________________

Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with, because she's jealous that she doesn't have a date.

Behavior: Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with

 ________________

My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor, because I am not a neat person and he is.

Behavior: My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor.

 ________________

My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight because that is the only time that is convenient for her.

 Behavior: My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight

 ________________

My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused when I was a little girl because she was so young.

Behavior: My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused.

________________
 
The reason why a person offends you, harms you, manipulates or abuses you does not have anything to do with you. You are not responsible for other people and the reasons why they do what they do to you. You are only responsible to yourself for what you allow other people to do to you. If you are mistreated, it is your responsibility to set boundaries and limits to keep yourself safe and intact.

When you consider the reasons why someone does something and and place more value on the excuse than on the crappy behavior, you are giving too much to the other person and abandoning yourself. There are a few phrases to describe this behavior:

• Over Giving
• Codependency
• Over empathizing
• People Pleasing
• Approval Junky
• Doormat 
• Self Abandonment  
• Care Taking

There is no excuse to justify actions that are harmful to your being. You cannot get out of responsibility to protect yourself. You cannot rightfully take care of someone else at your own expense; if you do, you will end up harming yourself in the process.

It is your job, your right, your responsibility to take care of YOU and to make sure that the people in your life are respectful to you. If a person refuses to respect your boundaries and continues poor treatment and you continue to allow it without taking up for yourself or leaving, then things can only get worse. Your self esteem dies a little more each time you make other people's needs more important than your own.

In a perfect world everyone is out for everyone else. Everyone has empathy. Everyone is selfless and not out for themselves. In a perfect world, it would be okay to put others ahead of yourself. But this is not a perfect world! We live in a world where there are a lot of disordered people who want to manipulate you, deceive you, control you and gain the upper-hand in relationship with you. This is why it's crucial that you take care of yourself. This is why you must defend your identity by defending your right to be treated with respect at all times.

If you feel guilty for taking care of yourself whenever someone has a good excuse for mistreating you, then that is misplaced guilt. That means you are out-of-your own business. That means you are care taking another grown adult and colluding with that person to treat yourself disrespectfully. Why not feel guilty for allowing YOURSELF to be mistreated? Why not feel guilty for not setting boundaries and for sticking around someone who annihilates your sense-of-self?

Look at the behavior without clouding the situation with the reasons why another person is doing what their doing. You are not responsible for other people. You are only responsible for you. Take a stand for yourself and require that other people treat you with respect, or else. You can't give yourself away any more. It hurts too much.

7 Freedoms of Healthy Equal Relationships

A healthy relationship between you and another person, be it a family member, a spouse, a romantic partner or a friend must be equal in order to be successful. This means that you are balanced in terms of the respect and space you give one another to express feelings and be an individual.

A healthy, equal relationship includes the following characteristics:

1. Freedom to Raise Grievances

A healthy relationship is an equal relationship where either party is free to raise grievances whenever necessary to keep interactions balanced and comfortable for both people. If you are in a friendship where you feel uncomfortable setting boundaries or bringing up negative aspects of the other person's behavior towards you, then your relationship is most likely unequal and therefore unhealthy. If a person minimizes your feelings or mocks your boundaries then you're dealing with someone who is not an equal partner or friend. Someone who refuses to respect your right to express how their behavior is negatively affecting you is someone who is seeking power and control over you--hardly an equal scenario.

When grievances are raised, a healthy person seeking an equal relationship is able to tolerate the feelings of the other person and make changes or negotiate where appropriate. A healthy person respects the other person's right to have feelings, needs and wants that are separate. A healthy person seeks equal relationships that meet the needs of both parties without bull-dozing or stepping on toes.

Accountability for behavior is a fundamental key to empowerment in interpersonal relations. Knowing your own wants and needs and asserting yourself in pursuit of those needs is one part of the equation. The other part is expecting others to be as responsible in their responses to you once you have made your concerns known.

Dr. George Simon, PhD
Counseling Resources

2. Freedom to Make Choices as to Who You Want in Your Life

A healthy relationship involves the freedom to make choices in your life, such as who you want to engage with and who you do not. A person who interferes with your choices in friends is stepping out of their role and into your personal business. We each have the right to choose to be around whomever we choose. If you find that a friend is abusive toward you and not someone you want to hang around, your partner or spouse or other friend(s) should be supportive of your decision to do so without ridiculing you, guilt-tripping you or trying to force you to be friends with someone you've written off for your own reasons. You have the right to decide who you want in your life.

If you have a friend who is constantly belittling your choices in who to date, this is control, not friendship. This can be done directly and/or covertly. Take notice of how your so-called friends bash your dating choices or other friends. Controlling people often try to manipulate others into removing other friends and relationship prospects in your life in order to isolate you and be your soul source of "affirmation."

3. Freedom to Believe as You Choose to Believe 

A healthy relationship allows both parties the freedom to believe as they believe. If your mother resents your religious preferences and chooses to belittle you, convert you or shame you for your life choices, then you're mother is trying to exert power and control over you and if you allow such to continue, the relationship will be unequal. No one has the right to tell you how to believe. You should not have to adjust your life to please a person with whom you are in an equal relationship.

4. Freedom to Say No

A healthy relationship is one in which you can say no and set limits without being retaliated against. Everyone has the right to say no. If you don't want to go to dinner because you have a headache, it is your right to say no. If you don't want to talk on the phone because you're busy with something else, you have a right to say no. If you don't want to let someone wear your favorite outfit, you have the right to say no. A relationship in which you are made to feel obligated to do whatever the other person wants by various means of manipulation is a relationship that is unequal and not in your favor.

5. Freedom to Change Your Mind

A healthy friendship is one in which you are free to change your mind. Changing your mind is a right of every human being. This is not about being wishy-washy, but rather about honest need to change your mind on occasion. A healthy person will not take offense to you changing your mind, but will give you the freedom to do so without questioning you or trying to make you feel bad.

6. Freedom to Do Your Own Thing

An equal relationship is one in which both parties are free to do their own thing without worrying about hurting the other person. This means you are free to have the career of your choice, the relationships you choose and spend your time in the manner that you choose. If you feel that you cannot do anything without upsetting your partner, then this is a sign of enmeshment, which is an unhealthy attachment. Healthy people are separate people who have the inner strength to come together with others without being fearful of the individuality of each one. You shouldn't feel the need to cut things out of your life that you love for a new love interest. You need to be able to keep your life going while being able to come together with your love for a healthy relationship.

A person who respects boundaries, sets limits, won’t excuse inappropriate conduct, keeps communication direct, etc. makes his or her needs known and makes decisions about how to respond to actions and situations that threaten those needs. All this can be done without hostility, blaming, resentment, or undue fanfare. It’s simply a matter of taking care of oneself and not feeling responsible for anything or anyone else.

Dr. George Simon, PhD
Counseling Resources 

7. Freedom to Look How You Want to Look

A healthy relationship is one in which you are free to look as you look without your partner or family member making snide comments or giving back-handed compliments. You are free to wear the clothes that you feel comfortable wearing, doing your hair in a way that you desire, color your nails and wear make-up in any fashion you deem acceptable. A friend who makes a cutting remark directly or indirectly regarding how you look is not a true friend--but rather, someone who is seeking to put you down, one-up you and control how you see yourself. This is not love! It is controlling and manipulative for someone to make comments about how you look. True friends respect the differences in each other and give each other the space and the freedom to be who they are and look how they want to look. When people try to change you, this is a sign that they're trying to control you.

Ways Manipulative People One-Up You

When someone is trying to control you, one-up you or put you down, their purpose is not healthy, but rather, they want to gain power over you and make you feel small. People who are disordered in their character may not come right out and try to control you or put you down directly. Instead, they may use subtle or covert methods to manipulate you into complying with their demands. They may also try to make you feel guilty, obligated or ashamed of yourself. Here is a quick list of ways manipulative people will try to gain control over your individual rights, making your relationship unequal.

• Silent Treatment
• Withdrawal of Affection
• Ghosting You - Disappearing
• Speaking negatively about someone who has characteristics like you that they want to alter.
• Ostracizing You - Not inviting you to events.
• Flirting with your date or your ex-boyfriend
• Refusing to hear your side of the story.
• Yelling at you for no reason.
• Gaslighting you.
• Minimizing your concerns.
• Gossiping about others to cause division
• Creating triangles with other people.
• Stonewalling / Ignoring You
• Giving excuses instead of apologizing 
• Making a joke of your boundary
• Being dramatic
• Abuse you 
• Backhanded compliment
• Change the subject

 These are just a few of the ways manipulative people can gain power over you and cause your relationship to be unequal and to control you.

Once you have spoken up clearly for yourself, it’s important to expect simple, direct, straightforward, and unambiguous responses and answers to questions. Anything short of that is likely to represent an attempt at manipulation.

Dr. George Simon, PhD
Counseling Resources

Conclusion

A healthy relationship is one in which you are free to be who you are without being abused, manipulated, guilted or shamed by the other person. If you allow yourself to be exposed to unhealthy people and remain in unhealthy relationships where your basic rights are disrespected, it will eventually begin to wear on your self esteem and sense of self worth. People who are not healthy will seek to control others in order to gain power over them. Narcissists seek to sadistically abuse and use people by gaining control over them. You want to steer clear of relationships that are unhealthy and guide yourself towards relationships that are equal and fulfilling for both of you.

You deserve the best treatment. Choosing the right relationships is an important way to love yourself.

20 Reasons Why Narcissists Don't Like People with Boundaries

1. People with boundaries are impossible to manipulate.
2. People with boundaries can spot a narcissist more easily who is trying to bust their boundaries.
3. Narcissists can only abuse people who think they are worthless and don't know their rights.
4. Narcissists are looking for easy prey; a person with boundaries is too much work.
5. Boundaries are the manifestation of your inner strength and self-work.
6. Narcissist parents groom their children not to have boundaries so they can exploit them.
7.  The narcissist's agenda is to overpower and control you, this is not possible if you have boundaries.
   
8. Boundaries keep you safe from the narcissist's plans to exploit you.
9. A person with boundaries cannot be exploited.
10. A person with boundaries trusts their own heart and will notice subtle manipulation tactics.
11. Boundaries show that a person doesn't have any weaknesses that the narcissist can use to push-your-buttons.
12. A person with boundaries shows the narcissist what is wrong with them; their issues become exposed.
13. A person with boundaries is frustrating to the narcissist.
14. A person with boundaries cannot be run over and controlled.
15. A person with boundaries does not give his or her power away.
16. A person with boundaries expects equal and fair treatment--the narcissist is not interested in equality.
17. Boundaries shield you from the narcissist's plans to hurt you and destroy you.
18. Boundaries show that you have enough self esteem to walk away if the narcissist continues to disrespect you.
19. Narcissists want someone who will willingly accept their abuse without protecting themselves.
20. A person with boundaries understands who they are and what their rights are--that means they're not willing to bow down and accept whatever the narcissist plans for his or her life.

Miserable Comforters vs. Healthy Support

Who do you turn to when you need a friend? A confidante? Encouragement? Love? The answer to this question is important for your life. Who you turn to for comfort makes a huge difference in the path you take and ultimately, your own self concept.

In the Book of Job in the Old Testament, Job is riddled with maladies. He loses his fortune, his family and his health. His wife betrays him. He is miserable. According to the story, God had given the devil free reign to test Job. Once he was covered in boils and sitting in exile, his so-called friends came along to help him out. These so called friends were quick to judge Job and give reasons as to why he was experiencing what he was experiencing, and what he should do to turn things around. Job called these folks "Miserable Comforters." It is a testament to the judgments of people who have no compassion or insight into the plight of another.

We are social beings. We all need to be comforted and supported by those around us. We are hardwired for connection. If we were raised in functional homes, then we likely have an internal working model of healthy external comfort. When we're feeling down, we have someone to turn to, and that someone will not use our weakness to try to control us or put us down. If, on the other hand, we were raised in homes that were dysfunctional, by parents who were also raised in less-than-nurturing environments, we may not know how to be comforted properly. We may be drawn to people who manipulate us when we turn to them for help, or those who use our misfortune to build their own weak sense of self.

The people in your midst are generally at your same level of psychological maturity. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you were not likely able to mature psychologically or emotionally. If you are immature or undeveloped, when you're an adult, you're likely to be attracted to people who are at your same level, or worse--you may be attracted to people who exploit those with lower-level functioning. This is what happened to me.

Along my healing journey, I found that as I grow, I also have to replace people in my life who used to comfort me with people who comfort me properly. Some of the people I turned to in the past supported my fragmented identity and my low self esteem. The truth is, who we turn to for comfort says much about our level of healing. The more healthy a person is, the less they need support, and the more adept they are at seeking out support that will gently support their authentic truth.

Here are the qualities you want to avoid in your external comforters:

• Tells you what to do. 
• Criticizes you.
• Shares your issues with other people.
• Reminds you of past mistakes.
• Reminds you of how bad things are.
• Tries to manipulate you and/or exploit you.
• Gloats in your weakness.
• Tells you to "get over it."
• Acts like your needs for comfort are a burden.
• Makes you feel worse.
• Kicks you when you're down.
• Makes you feel guilty or ashamed for needing comfort.
• Compares you to other people.
• Tries to solve your problems.
• Wishy-washy. One way one day, another way the next.
• Flaky - Not dependable.
• Negative and pessimistic in the area you need comfort. 
• Overly helpful and smothering.
• Focused on their own problems.
• Envious.
• Speaks in cliches, antidotes, platitudes.
• Know it all.
• Rigid and legalistic.
• Needs answers and definition of circumstances (to maintain semblance of control).

Why do people do these things? All sorts of reasons. If you turn to someone who has a low self esteem and poor self worth, then they will do all sorts of things that may seem like comfort, but leave you feeling worse than before. If you turn to someone for support who is insecure, he or she may use your weakness to their own advantage by feeling better than you for not having your same problem. Oftentimes, this kind of "support" is covert. You don't know it is happening because it's subconscious and subtle. This is something you must be aware of. It's important as you grow and heal that you steer clear of this uncomfortable comfort. It's important that you find people to support you who truly value you as a unique individual.

Here are the qualities you want to seek out in your external comforters:

• Consistent advice.
• Feels good about themselves so they can support you. 
• On your side.
• Trustworthy.
• Available and accessible.
• Validates your reality.
• Accepts you for who you are.
• Has empathy.
• Has space in their heart for you.
• Encourages your growth and change for the better.
• Cheers you on when you encounter difficult roads in life.
• Stays on your side, even when it seems like you're surpassing them.
• Takes up for you against outside opposition.
• Sticks by your side.
• Takes what you say at face value.
• Open and flexible.
• Empathetic.
• Expects you to handle your own life well.
• Believes the best in you.
• Trusts the process of life, and trusts other people.
• Gives you time to share without rushing you.
• Allows you to process without interruption.
• Leaves things open without having to come to resolution to feel safe.
• Lets you be who you are without judging you.
• Does not try to offer a quick-fix. 
• Positive mindset.

The qualities of a good comforter, or a good friend, are qualities that one possesses who is a whole person. Only a whole person can give you the comfort that you need to maintain a positive sense of self. You need people around you who are willing to let you be who you are, where you are, wherever that place is for you today. You need people who will encourage you, be on your side and nudge you to your highest good. You need people who are healthy so that they can lead you in the healthiest ways. Nobody is perfect. The key is to find comforters who love themselves enough to love you right.

You Need Comforters!!!

Who you choose as your comforters and supporters in this life makes a huge difference in how your life goes. If you choose no one, then you're going to have a very rough time. If you do not seek out any comforters, any support, and if you try to do everything on your own, then you are likely in bad shape. You may cut yourself or be suicidal. If so, I encourage you to get help--get help fast.

If you have supporters in your life who are actually tearing you down, it's time to reevaluate your relationships. Perhaps you need to distance yourself from people who make you feel worse after turning to them for comfort. Maybe you need to seek out people who are a healthy match for your new found self love that you've acquired along your healing journey.

How to Tell if Your Comforters are Uncomfortable

One of the difficult things for me when I was going through this aspect of my healing journey, is determining who to trust. Who to turn to? The answer is more difficult than I wanted it to be. I went through a lot of friends who were incapable of being there for me. I went through a husband or two. I went through therapists. It was very difficult to learn how to trust the right people. It was hard to let go of people I cared about, but who were harming me psychologically. I had to be strong in so many cases. I learned so much along the way.

One way to know if you are being comforted and supported properly is the way that you feel. Your gut is the best indicator of the quality of support you're being given. Your intuition is your internal guidance system that tells you whether what you're experiencing is for your highest good, and whether it is not. So many of us ignore ourselves. This is a problem! You need to be tuned in to yourself like a hawk if you want to live effectively... but that's another article. For this article, let's just say, trust your gut. If you feel like you're being harmed when you seek comfort from a friend, family member, spouse, clergy, therapist... then chances are very good that you are. Trust yourself and protect yourself.

How Miserable Comforters Are

Consider how you feel when you're speaking to this person. Do you feel any of the following ways? If so, then you may want to distance yourself quickly and find some other person to help and support you. Don't keep pouring yourself out to someone who cannot help you.

• As though life is hopeless, you might as well give up and stay negative.
• As though nothing ever works out.
• As though you're not good enough to be heard.
• As though whatever you're needing is too much of a burden.
• As though whatever solutions you've found are never going to work.
• As though you don't know what you're talking about.
• As though you should feel some other way.
• As though you are ridiculous for feeling badly or needing comfort.
• As though they're doing you a favor by listening to you.
• As though they feel superior to you in your weakness.
• As though they know all the answers.
• As though you should be somewhere else, somewhere better in your life.
• As though whatever you're going through is not that big of a deal.
• Like crabs in a bucket. If they can't get out, neither can you. 
• They criticize you.

If someone whom you turn to for comfort displays the attitudes and behaviors of the list above, RUN from that person. Don't walk. RUN! You cannot possibly be comforted by someone who invalidates you, makes you feel inferior and kicks you when you're down. These are not the type of people you need in your life. As a fellow wounded soul on this healing journey, it's crucial that you get away from these "miserable comforters" and find people who are truly on your side.

How Healthy Supporters Are
Healthy people have the inner-capacity to allow you to be who you are in that moment without trying to change you. They are whole people who do not rely on external circumstances to make them feel good about themselves. They don't need to manipulate, one-up you or take anything from you. They are simply alive, happy, positive (for the most part) and they understand that we people need each other to survive and to thrive. These are the people you want in your corner. Here's how they are:

• They encourage you to seek your own solutions.
• They believe the best for you, and the best in others, and the best in life.
• They offer suggestions, but don't shove solutions down your throat.
• They're empathetic to your plight.
• They believe whatever you're going through is a big deal; they take you seriously.
• They give you time and space to express yourself.
• They don't try to take over your life, they simply allow you to be who you are.
• They make you feel good, cared for and encouraged.
• They don't try to make the conversation about them and their problems.
• They remind you of your victories.

 You can add to this list. I'd love to hear what you think.... feel free to give me more ways in the comment section below.

The moral of this article is that we all need good supporters to help us along the way. It is okay to need support, we were created to need support and to support one another. Unfortunately, some things go astray when we were raised in dysfunction (most of us). We may have a tendency to seek out comforters that we are used to, not people who are actually good for us. We may be covered in unhealthy advice from people who are insecure and who do not love themselves and could not possibly love us. It is crucial for us, as growing, healing people who are on the journey to loving ourselves, to distance ourselves from miserable comforters and find people with our best interests at heart. Good luck in your journey!&

Narcissists Love to Hurt You

One thing a narcissist will do is abuse you directly. But a better tactic for the elusive narc is to have someone else abuse you instead of themselves. This keeps their hands clean. For this reason, a narcissist will almost always encourage you to...

• Stay in abusive situations.
• Ignore your own intuition.
• Feel guilty for taking up for yourself against others who bully you.
• Ignore toxic behavior.
• Just get over it.
• Blame yourself. 
• Apologize for everything.

A narcissist is not on your side. They don't care about you. As hard as this is to face, especially if this person is a family member, parent, sibling or spouse, it is something you must face in order to get out alive. The narcissist does not think like you; nor does he/she FEEL like you. They are different. They are heartless. Their only concern is for themselves, how they look. They only feel worthy when they make others feel unworthy. It's that simple.

They live to put you down and make you feel rotten, especially if you're a threat. If you're a threat, the narcissist will do everything possible to pull you down and trick you into feeling badly about yourself. They will manipulate you into thinking that you've brought the abuse on yourself... when really, it's their "support" that's kept you hanging onto people who are abusive to you. It's vital that you get the hell away from people who encourage you to stay in abusive or toxic situations. Someone who really cares about you wants to keep you from harm. A true person will encourage you to protect yourself at all costs.

If you are weak in any way... if you are needy in any way... if you harbor any self doubt whatsoever, the narcissist will hone in on this weakness and take full advantage of it. Never share your weakness with a narcissist. They feed on weak people with poor boundaries and weak sense of self. They have a sixth sense for vulnerability and are sizing you up constantly to see what they can exploit.Your pain is narcissistic supply to the narcissist... just like blood to the vampire.

Their ultimate goal is to steal you away from you. They want you to be dumb, confused and easy to control. Their self esteem is derived from making others feel like crap. They subtly encourage you to stay in abusive situations thus harming you without them actually doing it directly. When they're able to do this effectively, they get a little "kick" in their heart... like when a normal person feels when we are generous or make someone happy. A narcissist feels good when she inflicts pain on you.

The toxic behaviors of the narcissist ARE PAINFUL to a real person who has a real (not fake) heart. A real person has feelings and needs and wants true connection. The narcissist promises connection but then renigs on the deal at the last minute--after they feel they've dominated you. Their greatest pleasure is to cause others pain. Your pain is the narcissist gain. When you hurt, the narc feels like she has won, and in a way, she has.

If you allow yourself to be duped by the false promises of the narcissist to love and treat you with respect, then you can only look to yourself for the reason why. Why would you subject yourself to the put-downs, lies and manipulations of the narcissist? You must find out and repair those old wounds.

The only real way to win against the narcissist is to get away from them. They can never love and will forever hate you because you can. They will try to pull you into your web by getting close to your non-narc friends and family, but don't fall for the triangulation. The narcissist is all mirrors and lights. They have nothing you need. They can add nothing and can take nothing away. You are free and beautiful and amazing. Go out and love yourself and find real people to love. <3

Hurtful People Are Not True Friends

It's one thing to keep friends together, but some friends are not worth keeping!!! It doesn't matter how long you've known a person. If you are continuously being hurt, invalidated, disrespected, smothered or ignored, then you need to get away--no question. Even if this person is a beloved family member, parent, child, sibling, you can't allow others to push you around, use and abuse you!!! You must draw boundaries to protect yourself!!! Set limits to keep toxic people, bullies, invalidators and narcissists away!!! You cannot change them. You can only change yourself, so stop trying to help them.

Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty, stupid or ashamed for walking away from a person who is hurting you is themselves TOXIC. Don't listen!!! They want you to stay the way you are for selfish reasons. They don't care about you or your feelings or your peace or your future. People who care so little for you that they would encourage you to be a doormat and keep hurtful people in your life are NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

Find people who SUPPORT YOU in your journey. Someone who loves you backs you up. Someone who loves you respects YOUR decisions to end relationships, take a step back or go No Contact. A true friend respects your decisions and encourages you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay safe. A true friend is on your side.

Instead of fighting these manipulators and defending yourself against their poisonous darts, put them at arms length. Give yourself more room to breathe. Life is so much more!!! You'll be surprised at how much better you feel!!! I promise!!!

REMEMBER: It is a PRIVILEGE to know you.

Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU

The Drama Triangle

Here is the Drama Triangle which is a diagram of unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics.

The Drama Triangle The Three Rolls of Victimhood

 

 

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ ‘I was only trying to help!’

Does this familiar? If so, then you are in a game.

A game is an ongoing conversation between two people that ends with bad feelings for at least one of the participants.

Every person has a favourite game that they play out of awareness. The person will play the game repeatedly with different people and in different circumstances but the pattern will always be the same; the person will always end up with the same feeling at the end of the game.

Games are played from the positions of Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor.

Games are a substitute for real connection and true intimacy.

You Have to Love Yourself More Than Your Relationships

No matter who you're dealing with, you've got to hold onto yourself and operate from a place of integration, worth, value and self esteem. You can't put any relationship above your dignity. This includes relationships with friends, lovers, spouses, children, coworkers or acquaintances. Don't withhold from exerting boundaries to keep people in your life. Don't ignore your needs to not be a burden. Set boundaries. Define your personal space emotionally, physically, spiritually. Set lines and assert limits. Be a True, Authentic Person... not a beggar who is grateful for crumbs and terrified of rejection. It's better to be by yourself than to be a door mat. ~ Ms JLR

100 Signs You are Dating a Narcissist

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, so it is difficult to tell sometimes when you are dating one. Some narcissists are overt, others are covert and subtle. Some are extravagant, others are on the down low. Some are successful tyrants, others are low-level wannabes. Here is a list of potential signs that you are dating a narcissist:

1. They won't show weakness.
2. They are too good to be true.
3. They look perfect and everything about them seems perfect.
4. Their display of feelings for your pain seems contrived.
5. They are available any time you need them at first. 
6. They have a history of broken relationships.
7. They have big problems that make you want to help them.
8. They are constantly experiencing drama.
9. They talk about themselves in glamorous ways a lot.
10. They withdraw and use the silent treatment when you don't give them what they want.
11. They ignore boundaries.
12. They ignore your needs.
13. They are focused on how you look more than the real you.
14. They speed up the relationship.
15. They act like they love you without telling you, or they tell you they love you too quickly.
16. They make you the center of their world.
17. You feel obsessed about the relationship.
18. They are nice sometimes, standoffish and mean at other times.
19. He buys you elaborate gifts or makes elaborate promises.
20. They play games.
21. They play the victim.
22. They have a grand plan for a wonderful business they are starting that doesn't make sense.
23. They have a low grade job and try to make it sound exotic.
24. They blame others for their problems.
25. They do not take responsibility for their actions.
26. They focus on body parts as a way of turning you into an object.
27. They don't allow closure of the relationship. They want to keep you on the string.
28. They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you confused and off-balance.
29. They invalidate you.
30. They give you the feeling that you are in some way inadequate.
31. They are vague about their intentions.
32. They don't answer questions directly.
33. They are controlling.
34. They try to make you feel guilty and obligated. 
35. They try have a string of lovers whom they've left.
36. You feel you have to make up for their inadequacies.
37. Whenever you have an issue, they have an issue that's worse. 
38. They have major problems in their life that they haven't been able to overcome.
39. You feel the need to hide parts of your true self.
40. You feel euphoric when you are with him or her. 
41. They shower you with attention and don't give you any flack about things you want at first.
42. Something is not quite right with this person.
43. This person is super-agreeable.
44. This person makes all your dreams come true.
45. You overlook red flags.
46. You feel like you're in a trance.
47. You stop doing things you used to enjoy doing. 
48. This person does things that confuse you.
49. This person has the relationship on their own terms.
50. This person asks you to send them photos of yourself via text. (Warning! User!)
51. This person makes comments like, "You are going to fall in love with me."
52. This person tells you that they got over their ex easily.
53. This person will usually talk badly about their exes.
54. This person may be very materialistic and into external show of status.
55. This person acts like they have everything going for them, while staying home and playing video games.
56. This person says they are doing things that don't make sense or are unrealistic. (Like earning 1 Million in commission on a deal they are working, or starting a major internet enterprise that will take over Facebook some day.)
57. This person will be focused on details about themselves and share it with you ad nauseum. 
58. This person may seem overly focused on you at first. Don't fall for it!
59. This person will either have been neglected as a child, or treated like a star (both are abusive and lead to narcissism).
60. Some narcissists will put you down and try to make you feel inferior. 
61. Some narcissists will use intermittent reinforcement early-on to make you feel insecure. 
62. The narcissist will not be willing to meet many of your needs. Only the bare essentials to keep you in the clouds--in what I call the "Narcissistic Trance."
63. You will need to make up for their inadequacies in some way... (Like they can't take you out because they haven't hit the big time yet with their internet company, so you'll have to stay home and eat sandwiches or pay for the date yourself.)
64. You may feel a desire to lend them money, clean their place, help them get their life on track.
65. For some reason you still feel like you love this person, even when they're being a jerk.
66. You find yourself making excuses for this person's inconsistencies. 
67. This person tells you who they are with little hints that you ignore. 
68. You have tunnel vision and believe this person is the last chance you will ever have to be loved.
69. You have magical thinking and believe you can change this person to be who you want.
70. This person is extremely attractive and he or she knows it.
71. This person spends an inordinate amount of time making themselves look good.
72. This person cares more about image than about substance. 
73. This person seems to take pleasure in saying things that are hurtful to you.
74. This person says often things to make you feel possessive or jealous.
75. This person acts one way one day and completely different the next day.
76. This person runs away whenever you start getting close.
77. You feel like this person is doing you a favor by being with you.
78. You feel like this person is too good for you.
79. This person makes comments that make you doubt your own truth and your own reality.
80. This person uses abuse tactics such as withholding, gas-lighting, invalidating, lying, mimicry, to get you off balance.
81. This person likely boasts about themselves alot.
82. This person cannot tolerate criticism. 
83. This person will kick you when you are down.
84. This person makes promises but does not deliver.
85. Makes you angry, then blames you for lashing out. 
86. Tells you that you're being "overly emotional" or "too sensitive."
87. Projects their negative attributes onto other people. 
88. Treats wait staff and other "underlings" like trash.
89. Talks badly about others and gossips frequently.
90. This person doesn't talk about feelings and won't share his or her feelings. 
91. This person creates an itch that you can never scratch.
92. Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile.
93. The narcissist refuses to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up.
94. This person may hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. They may also be big into fund raising or church / religion.
95. This person does not seem to respect, appreciate or have concern for your feelings.
96. A narcissist can take you or leave you.
97. A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them
98. Some narcissists will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are.
99. A narcissist will fish for compliments. 
100. A narcissist will drop you if you set boundaries, limits and assert your needs.

As we often say when pontificating about Assholes™, the great paradox of self-awareness is that those who worry most about whether they’re bothering other people mainly bother themselves, and those who don’t worry at all are a huge bother to anyone unlucky enough to cross their path. You can find a happy medium, however, by using reasonable tools for managing your social behavior, like keeping things friendly and superficial and pursuing goals you’ve defined for yourself. Trust in your own rules of etiquette, pursue your social goals, and you will find the sweet spot between obsessive and oblivious.

-Dr. Lastname

Love, Attraction & Neediness - Article Link

Here is a great article from CalmDownMind.com

Love Attraction & Neediness

The Practice of Self Soothing

Self soothing is a practice that I found I was completely missing earlier in my life. What is it? Self soothing is more than just bubble baths, candles, journaling and yoga, though it can include those things. Self soothing is something much deeper and more personal; and perhaps one of the most important aspects of Self Love that you can foster yourself.

Self soothing is the ability to calm yourself down in moments of stress or intense emotions. It is your emotional barometer, your internal regulator that keeps you emotionally stable, balanced and effective in personal mood control and relationships. Without the ability to soothe yourself, you cannot tolerate much. If you don't have enough self soothing tools in your toolbox, your relationship with yourself and others will suffer.

Adequate self care is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, and for keeping you secure as a person. You need to find ways to reconnect with yourself and recenter--regardless of what is going on around you. Think of self soothing as a baby sucking its thumb. It's a way to stay cool until mama gets her butt over here. For us, we need ways to soothe ourselves, to reassure ourselves as an escape from hard, intense emotions.

If you don't have adequate self soothing skills that are learned naturally through parenting in childhood, then you're going to have a difficult time in life. Symptoms of lacking this skill include cutting, addiction and even suicide. People who are severely depressed are likely missing this important self-nurturing capability. Thankfully, the process of self soothing can be learned and practiced.

There are many ways to practice self soothing. Relaxation techniques are soothing to the psyche, and all self soothing involves positive, nurturing self talk. I'm going to break down different ways you can self soothe both physically, emotionally and mentally.

Physical Self Soothing

• Bubble Baths, Massages, Spa, Sauna, Steam Room
• Exercise, Yoga, Cardio, Weight Training, Swimming
• Organizing, Cleaning, Decorating Your Home 
• Cooking Your Favorite Meal
• Relaxing by the Fire
• Home Improvement, Painting, Refinishing
• Art, Poetry, Blogging, Social Media 
• Calling a Friend, Socializing
• Joining a Support Group, Booking a Therapist
• Attending Concert or Show
• Going out of your way for yourself
• Singing, Karaoke
• Hobbies, Flying, Skydiving
• Spending time with Children

 Emotional Self Soothing

Emotional self soothing is a way to keep you balanced and regulates your emotions. 

• Positive Self Talk
• Reminding Yourself of Positive Things You Did This Morning
• Restating negative self opinions, correcting yourself 
• Planning your personal time for the week
• Planning your social activities for the week
• Embracing your inner child
• Speaking to yourself compassionately
• Doing shame reduction work
• Writing letters to those who hurt you
• Writing out your thoughts, Journaling
• Being with yourself through your pain
• Breath Work to get in touch with emotions
• Speaking to yourself with compassion 
• Reminding yourself how far you've come
• Facing reality, not allowing your emotions to go overboard

Mental Self Soothing 

Mental Self Soothing is soothing your intellect. I like to think of it as ways you help yourself succeed. 

• Reminding yourself of past accomplishments
• Directing yourself on the steps you need to take to reach your goal
• Organizing your day
• Listening or reading motivational content
• Social media 
• Reading spiritual texts
• Reading intellectual material, or excellent fiction
• Planning for the future
• Planning your career
• Reminding yourself that You. Can. Do. It! 
• Learning about mentors

 These activities are productive ways to soothe yourself day-to-day, moment-to-moment. If practiced, you will become more vibrant, whole and attuned to your own spirit. I'm sure there is much more to add, but my eyes are sleepy, so goodnight! Love to all. <3

"Rigidity is a form of self soothing when you are afraid of the unknown." dotJenna