100 Elements of Intimacy

Months ago I wrote the article, 100 Things Intimacy Is Not. At the time, I was just learning, growing and improving and quite frankly, I couldn't have written the article you're about to read. This article is especially good if you've wondered what this love stuff was all about... and if you're interested in learning what intimacy is from a clueless person's perspective.

You see, that's what I was. Clueless. Love doesn't come easily for some people--okay, for most people. It took me a long time to get it.. First I had to simmer in caldron of "what intimacy is not" for a few years... Now, after much study, experience and soul searching, I'm happy to say, I'm finally figuring out what intimacy is. Woo Hoo! One small step for mankind.

Hope it helps you. Wish there would have been an article like this for me to read a long time ago... It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, better late than never. Smooches!

100 Elements of Intimacy (100 Things That Intimacy Is)

1. Intimacy is the communication of authentic thoughts and feelings among two people. (Can be more, but we're focusing on two today)

2. Intimacy is the ability to disagree without being judged.

3. Intimacy is compassion for one another.

4. Intimacy is seeing the other as a separate person, not as an object.

5. Intimacy is being autonomous in relationship.

6. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable without shame.

7. Intimacy is acceptance of each other.

8. Intimacy is mentalization of the affects of yourself and the other.

9. Intimacy is emotional regulation (emotional self control).

10. Intimacy is not needing the other to make you feel any certain way.

11. Intimacy is a desire for the other to experience being heard.

12. Intimacy is reflecting how another is feeling.

13. Intimacy is sharing how you are feeling with another.

14. Intimacy is the human glue that bonds people together.

15. Intimacy is about being your true self, not someone you think your partner wants you to be.

16. Intimacy is not being afraid to admit your imperfections.

17. Intimacy is not being afraid of the reflection you see in your partner.

18. Intimacy is seeing the best in your partner.

19. Intimacy is trusting.

20. Intimacy is closeness.

21. Intimacy is not afraid to admit mistakes.

22. Intimacy is taking responsibility for your own needs.

23. Intimacy is asking for what you need without being attached to the outcome.

24. Intimacy is having a high enough self esteem to take risks.

25. Intimacy is about feelings, sharing, expressing, validating, understanding.

26. Intimacy is free from psychological defenses like denial, repression and projection.

27. Intimacy is the wisdom to see things as they really are, not as you want things to be.

28. Intimacy is the absence of resistance.

29. Intimacy is the courage to be known, even with all your flaws.

30. Intimacy is relaxing, even when you want to run away.

31. Intimacy is only possible for the emotionally mature.

32. Intimacy is not blaming yourself or the other person when things go wrong as things sometimes do.

33. Intimacy is being a mirror of your partners feelings.

34. Intimacy is about being able to share feelings that are both good and bad.

35. Intimacy is about considering the other person.

36. Intimacy is about self nurture, self care as well as other nurture and other care.

37. Intimacy is what first happens between a properly attached mother and infant.

38. Intimacy requires total honesty.

39. Intimacy promotes the individuality of both parties.

40. Intimacy heals the heart of painful past problems.

41. Intimacy fulfills each person an makes one whole.

42. Intimacy is clarifying what you think the other person is feeling.

43. Intimacy is taking the time to share your feelings with each other.

44. Intimacy is expressing your truth without waivering.

45. Intimacy is being able to tolerate the anxiety, fear of abandonment.

46. Intimacy is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

47. Intimacy is possible only with a securely attached heart.

48. Intimacy takes work to maintain.

49. Intimacy is raw honesty with another human being.

50. Intimacy is the unfolding of humanity in the container of relationship.

51. Intimacy is respect for self and respect for the other.

52. Intimacy is equality for each person in the relationship.

53. Intimacy is apologizing for wrongs.

54. Intimacy is in facing barriers to deeper connection and making corrections.

55. Intimacy is forgiveness.

56. Intimacy is standing in the fire, strong enough not to be burned.

57. Intimacy is skill.

58. Intimacy is strength of character, personality and heart.

59. Intimacy is remembering that there are two sides to every story.

60. Intimacy is openness to life as it comes, not how you want it to be.

61. Intimacy is the ability to cope well with uncertainty.

62. Intimacy is spontaneous, real time engagement.

63. Intimacy is about growing internally and fostering growth of your partner in all ways.

64. Intimacy is wanting the best for each other, however that plays out.

65. Intimacy is nonjudgmental, open, honest and accepting.

66. Intimacy gives space for individual growth.

67. Intimacy is preferring one another.

68. Intimacy is seeing your partner's happiness as more important than your own.

69. Intimacy is having strong boundaries.

70. Intimacy requires a solid, secure self identity.

71. Intimacy is overlooking negative emotions in your partner and helping them through it.

72. Intimacy shows us that what we see in the other good or bad is actually what we harbor within ourselves.

73. Intimacy is dancing in step, being in sync, on the same page--attunement.

74. Intimacy is patience.

75. Intimacy is taking care of your own neediness and not expecting your partner to help.

76. Intimacy is most like unconditional love.

77. Intimacy is staying in the present moment.

78. Intimacy is not projecting your negative self views onto the other person.

79. Intimacy is bouncing back quickly after a disagreement.

80. Intimacy is being secure enough to mend ruptures to the relationship.

81. Intimacy is trusting the other person is doing you right.

82. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight.

83. Intimacy is holding the other tightly, and letting go freely.

84. Intimacy is detachment from needing one another to be any way other than who they are.

85. Intimacy is not looking for flaws, faults or mistakes.

86. Intimacy is believing in your partner and trusting they can work through their issues.

87. Intimacy is a cushion in a rough world.

88. Intimacy is an emotionally safe place where you are loved and supported.

89. Intimacy seeks to understand before trying to be understood.

90. Intimacy listens with empathy and heart.

91. Intimacy is a balance between autonomy and togetherness.

92. Intimacy is being real--not playing games or sticking to certain roles.

93. Intimacy is tolerant of frustration.

94. Intimacy is not keeping score.

95. Intimacy is expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion to one another to avoid a build up of resentment.

96. Intimacy is taking care of yourself so you can give your attention to the other instead of spending energy trying to get something that you need.

97. Intimacy is knowing you are worthy of love.

98. Intimacy is maintaining ethical relations with one another.

99. Intimacy allows abundance to flow.

100. Intimacy requires that you love your own life.

Read this article too...
100 Things Intimacy is Not

What is intimacy?
How to have intimacy.
Intimacy issues.
Relationships
Improve Intimacy
Intimacy in marriage
Attachment, Attached
Connections
Fear of Intimacy 

5 Steps to Letting Go

My previous post, Let Go of Control talks about how codependency (an intimacy issue) causes one to try to control and manipulate people and situations in life in order to make up for a deficiency in oneself. This post discusses How to Let Go and move on to a more fulfilling life.

Letting go. Sounds easy, doesn't it? But sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. I've spent a lot of time healing and that requires letting go in heavy doses. What does it mean to let go? That's what I'd like to explore. Stay with me here.

Detachment is letting go. Trouble with detaching and letting go is something that codependents have in common. In a way, I think the root of codependency is the inability to let go of things that are outside of your control. Once you begin to heal, detachment becomes necessary and thankfully, with healing, letting go gets easier.  

Here are 5 Steps to Letting Go:

Step 1. Face Reality

If you find yourself hooked on someone, something or some outcome and having difficulty letting go and moving on, the first thing you need to do is face reality. Facing reality means that you look at the situation in its entirety, from broad perspective. You tell yourself the truth. You stop deluding yourself. You stop telling yourself that the person you're hung-up on really loves you--and start facing the fact that it doesn't matter who loves you if they're not giving you what you deserve.

Facing reality means facing that the guy you're in love with doesn't love you and that is okay. You can't wish something into being. There is no magic potion that will make things be exactly as you want it to be. You can't control other people. You don't need to. All you can do is face what's really happening in your life. You can't heal what you don't face.

Step 2. Grieve Your Loss

Any time you lose something in life, you need to grieve in order to heal and move on. When you have codependent tendencies, chances are you have things you need to grieve from your childhood that never healed. Oft times we hold onto people today who remind us of those who didn't meet our needs when we were little developing children. It's important to grieve all losses; to allow yourself to grieve fully. If the situation is tiny, you may only need to grieve a little. If the situation is big, you may need to grieve buckets of emotion. Holding onto pain is what you're doing when you don't go through the grieving process.

Grieving is the process of mourning your loss. It involves sadness, self compassion and tears. Holding onto someone or some desired outcome means that you won't allow yourself to grieve the loss. Grieving is hard and it hurts; sometimes we avoid this process and pretend things are not the way they really are. It's wise and self loving to go ahead and face your losses and grieve for what you no longer have, or in the case of deep inner healing, to grieve what you never had.

Grief has 5 different phases. It's what you feel when someone dies. That same process should be gone through when you have any loss in your life, or else you hold onto the pain of the loss and carry it around with you indefinitely. Better to get it over with. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Release the pain (negative emotion) so you can move forward and find meaning in life.  

Step 3. Process the Situation

Anyone who tells you to just move on is not being sensitive to your needs. As an emotional being, it's critical to process the situation in the proper light. You need to figure out what you think as a result of this loss. What are you telling yourself? 

Perhaps you are criticizing yourself for the loss. If you are abusing yourself through self criticism, this can cause even more pain for which you need to grieve. You need to come to terms with what's really going on and put everything in the proper category; in the right light. The friend who hurt you does not indicate that you are unworthy, it simply means that he or she is incapable of being sensitive to your needs. Or, the rejection you experienced has nothing to do with your worth at all. You are valuable, incredible and you have a huge life ahead of you. It's important to reframe the situation in a way that is self loving and based in the truth of who you are.

You may need a friend to talk to about the situation. Find someone supportive who will listen as you process rather than trying to offer solutions or shut you up. Processing loss is vital; you don't want to gloss over the thinking you have to do. Failing to process is like shutting down your computer without exiting out of all the open programs--it messes you up.

Step 4. Lean on Higher Power

Letting go and detaching is difficult if you are not tapped into your higher power, that is, God within you. You must be willing to go higher and ask God for help, and to allow that help to penetrate your daily life. You are loved more than you can imagine. Everything is working out for your good. Life is good to you and for you. You can trust that what you are letting go of is not needed for you. You can trust that everything that you need will come and that which you don't need won't stay. Trust that all is well and that what you don't have you don't need.

Step 5. Replacement

Lastly, once you've processed the real issue for what it is, reframed it and released the negative emotion through grief, you can work on the surface of the problem, and that is your thinking. If you are codependent in any way, you likely have habitual thoughts that are codependent in nature. In order to break out of the pattern of clinging to what's not yours, or holding onto what's no longer in your life, you have to replace those thoughts with better ones more conducive to your good.

Replacement is about filling up your thought life with thoughts that are beneficial to you. Codependents have a tendency to focus on other people. If you want to detach, you need to attach to something else--and that something needs to be YOU. Replace repetitive, compulsive thoughts that have you stuck with thoughts that serve to better Yourself. Detach outside, bond inside. Replace thoughts about others with thoughts about Yourself.

Replacement may involve self soothing, positive self talk, or it may involve getting busy with your own life, hobbies or career. You don't want to replace too soon--you must process, grieve and face reality--if you want to move forward as a whole healthy person. Once you're ready, you can begin to replace the old stuff that's moving out of your life with new stuff that's good for you.

Please note: You don't want to replace the old with more of the same. In the processing process, you LEARN FROM THE PAIN OF LETTING GO and start fresh with new knowledge, making better decisions along the way. Replacement is not repetition. Replacement is climbing the stairs; replacement is going higher to a better, stronger you.

Ending...

I hope this article is helpful. I've learned to detach in my life in things both big and small. My inner self, my inner guide helps me through the process. I constantly remind myself of what's mine to keep: ME, and what's mine to release: Not Mine. Letting go, releasing and detaching is a psychologically healthy thing to do and will bring much peace and joy to your life. Letting go and learning why what you were holding onto is not beneficial is an act of self love that is very hard at first, but gets easier with practice. Letting go honors Yourself and builds you up. You will be surprised to see how strong you are once you trust your higher power and let go of the need to cling and control.

Much love to you, my friend. XO

Origins of Emotion - Limbic System

It is these same nuclei which later in life are involved in the ability to feel love (as well as hate and anger) for a loved one. That is, the limbic system controls the basic aspects of emotion, love, hate, anger, rage, fear, pleasure, as well as biological drives, hunger, thirst and even the capacity to experience orgasm during sex. Because during early in life biological drives can only be satisfied through a primary caretaker, that other limbic emotions also become aroused. 

It is these same brain regions which can make a person feel like killing a loved one if they have an affair or decide to end a relationship when the other loved one is still firmly attached and unwilling to let go. That is, if a person who has met primary needs for love, affection and physical intimacy were to leave, or want to end the affair, the limbic system responds in characteristic fashion, with frustration, anger, rage, and overwhelming feelings of unhappiness. 

Attachment Maternal Love Intimacy (Incredible Article) 

Amygdala  - Enables you to feel love, affection, happiness, controls all aspects of emotion including social emotional behavior. Could be damaged in people with autism.

Stimulation = Extreme fear could be rage, sexual

Constantly scanning environment for individuals, objects, items that are emotional significance.

Facial neurons in amygdala as well is temporal lobe to recognize happy or sad faces.

Fires when you locate something that's good to eat.

Assigns emotional significance to everything you see, hear, feel.

Without amygdala, you wouldn't be able to discern emotion, male or female.

You have a right and a left amygdala

Facial recognition. Determine if male/female. Is male smiling? Female frowning.

18% larger in females. 35% larger in homosexuals.

Females superior at discerning emotions potentially due to amygdala. Females have social emotional abilities. Males have limited abilities to express or notice. Females are social emotional geniuses.

Seat of social emotional intelligence. Directly linked to the stratum, located in frontal lobe, motor area.

If you stimulate amygdala, creates fear. Kicking, punching, etc...

emotional memory

searches for things that are of motivational significance

complex

Part II: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

This is a continuation of Part I: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion.

First, let me say, that a huge part of rising above negative emotion is to feel your frozen feelings. You must allow yourself to feel all the repressed feelings that you hold inside from degrees of abuse you experienced as a child. Once you've completed that process, you will come to a place where you're ready to take the next step in rising above the negative feelings you hold in your heart.

The next step in rising above negative emotion requires that you do the following:

Separate from the Negative Emotion

You must see yourself as who you really are, who you were meant to be, and you must see the negative emotion for what it really is. Negative emotion is a part of you that believed a lie that is contrary to your divine truth. Negative emotion is felt when your beliefs are out of alignment with the truth of who you are.  

Negative emotion is NOT YOU. It may FEEL like you, you may have thought that it was you, but it is NOT YOU. It has nothing to do with you, it is separate from you. It is false, it is something that is "out-there," not "in-here." Once you start depersonalizing the emotion, you can start to separate those parts of you that are true, from the parts of you that are false, not yours and that need to be disposed of little-by-little.

The Truth is... You are love, you are accepted, you are wanted, you are love. Any time you hold a belief that you are anything less than the divine soul that you are, you feel negative emotion. You feel badly. These negative emotions are energy-in-motion which send vibrations out into the universe and return to you more of the same, thus proof that you are right in feeling badly. It's a vicious cycle that must be stopped if you ever want to move ahead in your life and rise above it.

1. Know Who You Are
2. Know Who You're Not
3. Stop Taking Negative Emotion Personally

Stop Taking Your Bad Feelings So Personally 

If you're like me, you have feelings of negative emotion and immediately associate those bad feelings with who you are as a person. This is the epitome of feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, low self esteem. These feelings would dwell in my heart and cause all sorts of thoughts to crop up about why I wasn't good enough, less than others, undeserving of the goodness that life has to offer. It was a spiral. I took every negative, sad, depressing, hopeless, shameful thought directly to heart. I believed what my emotions were saying about me as if it were my truth.

I've since learned to call a spade a spade. No longer do I incorporate bad feelings into my truth. I see bad feelings as something that is separate from me, and I do not allow it to touch my feelings of self worth and value. Just because I have a bad emotion doesn't mean that I am a bad person. Just because I have bad thoughts about my worth and value doesn't mean I have to act on those thoughts or believe those thoughts. I can stop myself in the midst of a spiral of negative emotion and subsequent negative thoughts and begin the process of fighting for my truth.

What a breakthrough!!! When you can stop yourself in the places that typically cripple your heart, crush you, cause you to fall back, sabotage yourself and beat-yourself-up, and you can begin taking a stand for your truth by arguing with the negative thoughts, thus changing your very opinion of the situation... That's when you start reprogramming your mind to believe new things about yourself. Whatever you believe about yourself is what you manifest in your life. You get what you feel you deserve.

When you reprogram your thought processes, rethink your thoughts, you cause new feelings and emotions to emerge. These new emotional vibrations are more empowering and beneficial to you and will bring the equivalent match into your life in terms of success and the things you want. These new thoughts, feelings, emotions (vibrations) will spur actions in you that are in alignment with the truth of who you are, not who you falsely thought you were to be. It's a beautiful process!!!

Once you recognize the negative emotion, realize that the negative emotion is NOT YOU, but actually the epitome of what YOU'RE NOT, which is why it feels badly, you will then understand that the negative emotion is separate and can be dealt with when you're operating from a place of knowing your truth. Your truth is that you are good, you are love and the world is on your side. You are a co-creator on earth with God. You have power to overcome situations. Your thoughts matter. You get in your life what you believe you deserve AND you have power to change your beliefs.

That's all for now... More next time on taming the negative emotions and bridging the gap to attaining higher level feelings more in alignment with your divine truth. Stay tuned!!! XO

Why Do We Hold Onto Self Hatred That's Not Ours?

Usually we receive this hatred when we are vulnerable and lacking in boundaries, and before we have an understanding of Self vs. Other. So we often don't know that this hatred does not belong to us. In addition, if we live with constant abuse, then we are also imprinted with the belief that we MUST NOT FORM BOUNDARIES or say NO to the abuse, that we must stay open to "what we deserve". Our Belief System then says we deserve this, and that we must continue to accept it and hold it. Staying open to another person's hatred then, becomes the pattern for our lives. We may not have always known how to hold against this hatred. We may not have been able to form boundaries or say no to it. But we can change this now. We CAN give the hatred back. We can form boundaries to prevent ever taking in more hatred again. And we can heal the wounds the hatred created in our soul.  The Patterns of Self Loathing

PART 1: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

Wow. This is a difficult article to write. Why? Because there is not one answer to it. Rising above negative emotion that stems from the root of childhood abuse and neglect is a complicated process, one that requires everything you've got--and more.

The biggest issue is that being neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated as a child causes your identity to be wrought in SHAME. The opposite of love, affection, attention is shame. When a child does not get its developmental needs met, the natural by-product is shame. Shame is a horrible, disgusting, terrible feeling that broods beneath the surface and shapes everything you say and do. I can't tell you how badly shame makes you feel. If you're reading this article, you likely know--though you may not have a handle on it.

Parts of me that I thought were me, the parts that made me feel worthless, I found out through my healing journey were not me at all.  It was shame. The revelation changed my life forever. There were so many ways I was held back by an intense feeling of shame--that I never knew was there, until I rose above it by being mindful of every feeling and thought that I felt.

Shame. I'll never forget when I first came face-to-face with this unruly beast. I'm not talking about your normal shame, that for feeling badly for something you've done in the presence of a social group--that kind of shame is reasonable, manageable and normal. No big deal. No, I'm talking about the kind of shame that rots you out to the core--makes you sit down when you should stand. Keeps you locked behind closed doors, handcuffed in a world while crying cause it's passing you by. TOXIC SHAME.

Toxic Shame is a type of shame you don't deserve. It's the type of shame that is the by-product of neglect, abandonment and abuse of childhood. If you experienced a bad childhood and you know it, and you haven't dealt with your shame, I feel very sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks and it hurts and you may not even realize it. Pain hides in such strange ways. It makes you kick yourself... little do you know, you don't deserve it. It's shame that's not yours.

Anyway. Toxic shame is what occurs when a parent acts shamelessly by passing their shameful behavior (that of neglect, abuse or whatever) onto you without remorse. It's a long story. Whenever someone passes that stuff onto you, your caretaker--who DOES NOT REALIZE what he or she is doing... they are only reacting and re-enacting their own abuse--they are passing on shame that does not belong to you. IT'S NOT YOURS. But, as a small child, your only recourse is to take the blame. You believe you're worthless. You embrace their shame as if it is your own. Why? Because ...

You're tiny.
You're vulnerable.
You have no protection.

You're mind is protecting you from realizing that you are being raised by incompetent people.

Our minds are pre-wired to protect us from the harms of poorly functioning adults. In order to protect us from the realization that we are unloved as children (unloved in the sense that we're not loved with true, adequate love), our brains internalize the flaws of our parents. Our brains internalize the flaws that our parents can't face. Our little, developing brains internalize the projections of our parents. Stuff they can't deal with, we, as little vulnerable children gulp down. We take all the stuff they can't because we MUST BELIEVE THEY ARE PERFECT in order to develop psychologically.

You see, believing that we're worthless is a defense mechanism against insanity. Evolution tells us (or whatever that is) that our brains are wired to protect ourselves from the lack of love. Babies who don't get adequate love can die--ACTUALLY DIE. Therefore we are hard wired to become delusional if our primary caretakers are incapable of giving us the real love we need. We pretend in our little minds that the abusive caretaker is perfect, and we, believe that we--instead of them--are the devil personified. We take on their shame. This is TOXIC SHAME. It is not ours, but we put it on. We don it in order to delude ourselves into thinking that they love us, when in fact they do not, cannot and will not. It is not their fault, nor is it ours.

SHAME. I'm trying to write an article about how to overcome negative emotion, but I cannot do so unless I describe to you the presence of shame, and help you to know what it is. In order to get rid of the most troublesome emotion of all time, you must first know it is there.

I found shame in places I never knew it could be found. I still find it from time to time. Look for it. It's lurking. It's hanging out around every corner. Every time you feel badly, shame--toxic shame--is the culprit. So much to say. My fingers hurt. Next time, I'll share more. Much love. Good luck in your journey. Rise above shame by first recognizing it.

Awareness is Key


If you want to rise above the negative emotion, you must first recognize it is there. You may uncover negative emotion in a million ways, just under the surface. I love this article by another writer which defines it well regarding the patterns of self-hatred. Feelings of unworthiness may hide beneath the surface and be tricky to find... but once you open to learning the truth about your feelings, to honoring and respecting your feelings and to start being mindful of your self-talk, you will start to unravel your feelings and find the root of its cause.



More later....

You Can't Flow if You're Frozen

Walking by a fountain today in McKinney, Texas, I saw this 1/2 frozen fountain. This thought hit me:

You can't flow if you're frozen.

I wondered what this fountain was signaling to me for my life. In a way, it is an answer to a question that I've been asking. What blocks me from allowing goodness to flow into my life???

It's true! You can't allow good things to come into your life if you're operating system is plagued by false beliefs that are out of alignment with the truth of who you are or still left over from your past. You can't receive the goodness that life has to offer if you are carrying frozen feelings that you have yet to face.

If you have frozen feelings stuck in your heart's chambers, then the fountain of your life cannot express its full potential. The outflow of love, grace, beauty, mercy, peace, joy will be distorted, much like the photo of the partially frozen fountain to the right. 

You see, you are responsible for what is coming to you. If you like how your life is--I mean, really feel incredible peace, joy, contentment and elation--then you are in the right place. If you feel that you're in a struggle to get the results that you want and to feel good inside, then your negative emotions are a signal. Negative emotions are an indicator that something in your belief system is out-of-alignment with your truth. You've got some junk in your trunk.

So the key is to allow your feelings to thaw out and release the energy of the past that is blocking the goodness from flowing in your life. Blocking you from giving. Blocking you from receiving. Distorting your view of reality. Distorting your view of yourself.

If you want to live, truly live, then you must thaw out. Let yourself heal.

 * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *  * * * * *

Here's a piece that sums it up well: 

When emotions go unexpressed, they freeze in time. What this means is that we often respond to a present day situation with a backlog of stored frozen emotions from our past. This is inappropriate, obviously, but that doesn't mean the emotions are lying. All it means is that in order to be able to respond and feel truly in the present with all of our resources, we need to heal all the old trapped, frozen emotions we have locked up in the attic. 

Our Pathway Home - Lies About Feelings

The Winning Feeling

Your mind can't tell the difference between imagination and reality. Visualizing that you're winning in every area programs your mind to win. Getting into the ZONE and staying in the ZONE as much as possible day and night is an ideal goal for living a happier life, and completely within your grasp.

This ZONE is nothing more than a place where you FEEL GOOD. It's a place where YOU WIN. The ZONE is the place where you have that WINNING FEELING. 

You can program your mind to experience that WINNING FEELING every day of your life, and overcome every obstacle with ease. In fact, if you wish to get ahead in any area of your life, you MUST cultivate a higher, more positive mindset, which includes beliefs, thoughts, emotions which lead to positive action. 

I've been learning by listening to Abraham Hicks, that when you FEEL GOOD you attract more situations into your life that feel good. You are a vibrational being. The energy that you give off is what you get back, every time. If you feel that you are a winner, you will win naturally. If you feel depressed and unworthy, you will fail naturally. There is no way around it. You must cultivate a higher vibration, that is a higher level of feelings if you want to pull yourself up from the feelings of unworthiness to that of a capable human being who wins at everything you do.

Biofeedback research on athletes tells us that their brain cannot tell the difference between actually playing a winning game or imagining they are winning  game.

6 Steps to Creating that Winning Feeling 

1. Recall previous experiences of having that winning feeling.

It doesn't matter how small the winning feeling was. Keep a journal entry of every winning feeling you encounter. Keep notes of when you were blissfully happy, winning in your life. This may just be a passing moment, or it may be a huge victory. Keep these thoughts and especially FEELINGS at the forefront of your mind every day. Those feelings need to be cultivated all the time in your life. Stay in the ZONE. 

2. Apply that feeling to the present moment or some future activity.
3. Suppose it will happen.
4. Use negative emotion as a challenge & substitute negative emotion for positive.
Program your mind (like Pavlov's dogs) to associate a negative feeling with a positive one.  Your mind is like a computer. If you provide it with a different program, it will execute a different routine.
5.  

  

The Practice of Self Soothing

Self soothing is a practice that I found I was completely missing earlier in my life. What is it? Self soothing is more than just bubble baths, candles, journaling and yoga, though it can include those things. Self soothing is something much deeper and more personal; and perhaps one of the most important aspects of Self Love that you can foster yourself.

Self soothing is the ability to calm yourself down in moments of stress or intense emotions. It is your emotional barometer, your internal regulator that keeps you emotionally stable, balanced and effective in personal mood control and relationships. Without the ability to soothe yourself, you cannot tolerate much. If you don't have enough self soothing tools in your toolbox, your relationship with yourself and others will suffer.

Adequate self care is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, and for keeping you secure as a person. You need to find ways to reconnect with yourself and recenter--regardless of what is going on around you. Think of self soothing as a baby sucking its thumb. It's a way to stay cool until mama gets her butt over here. For us, we need ways to soothe ourselves, to reassure ourselves as an escape from hard, intense emotions.

If you don't have adequate self soothing skills that are learned naturally through parenting in childhood, then you're going to have a difficult time in life. Symptoms of lacking this skill include cutting, addiction and even suicide. People who are severely depressed are likely missing this important self-nurturing capability. Thankfully, the process of self soothing can be learned and practiced.

There are many ways to practice self soothing. Relaxation techniques are soothing to the psyche, and all self soothing involves positive, nurturing self talk. I'm going to break down different ways you can self soothe both physically, emotionally and mentally.

Physical Self Soothing

• Bubble Baths, Massages, Spa, Sauna, Steam Room
• Exercise, Yoga, Cardio, Weight Training, Swimming
• Organizing, Cleaning, Decorating Your Home 
• Cooking Your Favorite Meal
• Relaxing by the Fire
• Home Improvement, Painting, Refinishing
• Art, Poetry, Blogging, Social Media 
• Calling a Friend, Socializing
• Joining a Support Group, Booking a Therapist
• Attending Concert or Show
• Going out of your way for yourself
• Singing, Karaoke
• Hobbies, Flying, Skydiving
• Spending time with Children

 Emotional Self Soothing

Emotional self soothing is a way to keep you balanced and regulates your emotions. 

• Positive Self Talk
• Reminding Yourself of Positive Things You Did This Morning
• Restating negative self opinions, correcting yourself 
• Planning your personal time for the week
• Planning your social activities for the week
• Embracing your inner child
• Speaking to yourself compassionately
• Doing shame reduction work
• Writing letters to those who hurt you
• Writing out your thoughts, Journaling
• Being with yourself through your pain
• Breath Work to get in touch with emotions
• Speaking to yourself with compassion 
• Reminding yourself how far you've come
• Facing reality, not allowing your emotions to go overboard

Mental Self Soothing 

Mental Self Soothing is soothing your intellect. I like to think of it as ways you help yourself succeed. 

• Reminding yourself of past accomplishments
• Directing yourself on the steps you need to take to reach your goal
• Organizing your day
• Listening or reading motivational content
• Social media 
• Reading spiritual texts
• Reading intellectual material, or excellent fiction
• Planning for the future
• Planning your career
• Reminding yourself that You. Can. Do. It! 
• Learning about mentors

 These activities are productive ways to soothe yourself day-to-day, moment-to-moment. If practiced, you will become more vibrant, whole and attuned to your own spirit. I'm sure there is much more to add, but my eyes are sleepy, so goodnight! Love to all. <3

"Rigidity is a form of self soothing when you are afraid of the unknown." dotJenna

Accentuate the Positive

By Jenna Ryan
 
Humans are problem solvers. We're evolving and advancing. When we see a circumstance or a person, our first inclination by default is to see what's wrong, to see what needs to be fixed. Most of what we see in others is what we don't like in ourselves. We can't bare to see junk in ourselves, so we project it onto others and hate them for it. The problem is, looking at the problems causes us to attract more problems into our lives. It's called a rut. Our attention/intention/focus is where we bear fruit. If you sow by looking at only the negative aspects, you will reap negative fruit. However, if you train your mind to focus on the positive in everyone and everything, with appreciation and gratitude, then you're not only loving yourself by not projecting gunk all over the place, but you're loving everyone else which boomarangs back to you--AND you are attracting more positive into your life. If you sow gratitude and appreciation, you will reap more of that which you're thankful for. So make lists of the positive things about others.... Bask in gratitude and greatfulness. This is what I'm remembering and focusing on today. It's going to be an AMAZING DAY!!!

Theory of Mind

Falling Deeply in Love with Yourself

I was taught that to love was to scoop yourself out, to give everything you have; to keep nothing for yourself. I didn't feel I deserved to keep my own love, my own respect, my own affection, my own admiration. I was taught that love is to give ALL OF YOU. Anything short of everything was nothing. I had nothing to offer, I had to give everything in order to pay the ransom for my existence.

When I met a man that I "loved," I would love whole-heartedly, with full abandon. Every waking moment was filled with thoughts of my beloved. This is different from the infactuation of a healthy person. No, granted, that's how it is labeled, but when you're a child of dysfunction, this stage is much more than limerance, though limerence is involved. This stage is total and complete giving over of self, esteem, worth, value--in essence, power. Your empty shell attaches to the fantasized version of another.

My boundaries would become nonexistent. The man's preferences would become my preferences, I would begin to mold myself around the man as if I were him, as if he were the center of me. If the man still stuck around after this level of my attachment, then, I would change as he preferred. If the man stayed an arms length away, which is what I always seemed to choose (must have preferred it that way...), then I would be in love-totally devoted beyond words--to a fantasy, a phantom person.

I gave myself up for free. I gave full, unabashed devotion, wishes, dreams, fantasies. I would then stay hung on this person for years, despite abusiveness. Nothing could stop me from longing, after all, without my love object, I was nothing. Without my love object, death was more welcoming because I did not exist.

No one is worth all this. No one in the world is worth this sort of devotion. No one. It is not until we wake up and realize what parts of ourselves we're giving away that we can begin to hold onto ourselves in relationship. At first, holding onto myself seemed like no fun. Holding onto myself seemed bland in comparison with the euphoria I felt when in fantasy-mode. The thought of holding onto myself, at first, felt like eating cardboard. No nourishment, no purpose, very depressing.

That's when I realized that the reason that holding onto myself was so bland is because I thought I had nothing to offer myself. Nothing. I didn't want to offer myself anything either. I found offering my love to myself was depressing, boring, senseless. Everything good and worthwhile was "out there." Just being present with myself took lots of practice.

Staying mindful of my feelings, emotions, sensations, thoughts, needs, wants, desires and preferences started opening the door to reconciliation with myself. I learned that I am a person inside. I have things going on inside my heart that needs tending to, screaming for none other's attention than my own. That I am not supposed to be looking outside myself for something to fill me up when all I've been doing is giving me away. 

In order to get this far, I had to learn a lot about psychology, and the way the ego works to protect the mind from emotional pain via cognitive defenses. I had to learn to look at scenarios in my life with my Wise Mind, the one that sees above my own defenses. I had to cultivate this aspect of my being, my very own inner-therapist to call me out on my own shit.

Tuning Into Your Emotional Originality

Another thing I had to do that was important for me to realize all this self-love stuff is to understand that the manifestations in my life were manifestations of what was inside of me. I had to stop living in the limited space of my limited consciousness, and start rising above to view my present emotional reality in terms of the original wounding. I had to understand that my longing for love, for the fulfillment of this fantasy-bond was wrought in childhood and had little to nothing to do with today. I had to learn to operate from the authentic place of originality. Anything less is a waste of time and energy, spinning your wheels, getting nowhere fast.

But when you understand how the emotional mind works, you understand that you are merely repeating patterns, like a software bug, or a record (remember record players) that has a scratch that keeps repeating the same verse over and over until you shut it off. That's how we are in our emotional lives, this especially extends to relationships. If, when you are growing up as a child, in development, and you do not get one of the developmental milestones accomplished, you will begin to repeat that milestone over and over until you get it right.

If you are experiencing a repetitive cycle of emotional turmoil and impossible relationship situations that are almost exactly the same, except with a different man or woman, then you can bet that there is a developmental milestone your psyche is trying to complete. Until you complete that milestone, you will be compelled to put yourself in situations that mirror the milestone you missed. (You know, the one that failed.)

Only you can help yourself now. The brain has been shown to be "plastic," that is, you can still learn until death. Brains can change. You can get your developmental needs met as an adult, in fact, the only person who can give you what you need is YOU.

There is a person on this earth who is better at meeting your needs than your mother and/or father. There is a person on this earth whose love you need more than anyone on the planet, even more than God.
There is a person on this earth who holds the power to heal your heart, mind and soul.

That person is YOU.


You hold the magic, the wisdom and the beauty of 100 lovers. There is not a love on earth that could surpass the magnificence of you. If you would take a moment to journey to this center, to this heart of you, through the pain, down the abyss, at the very bottom of it all, there you find the most magnificent glory, that which you've been missing all your life. That glory is you. You are pure love. A delight to behold. Precious.

No matter what happened to you, there is a part of you that still exists and is strong. It is a part of you that cannot be destroyed. It is a part of you that must be searched for and found in order for you to see it, but it is also a part of you that holds all your answers. It is a part of you that is deeper and more wise than all your present circumstances, than all your past mistakes. It is a love that surpasses anything you've ever known. Inside of your own heart there is reason to love. There is something left inside of you worthy of falling in love with that can never be given away.

It's yours, but you must journey to find it. The journey is long, hard, but well worth the trip. Once you find yourself and love yourself, nothing else will matter. Suddenly your boundaries will come into place, you won't allow yourself to be treated badly. You won't run after people who abuse you. You won't try to love others by fixing them.You won't hurt so badly anymore.

This treasure resides at the end of your rope. All the lies and false beliefs that are holding you together must come undone. You must fall into the abyss. Stop hanging onto the sides and hating yourself for feeling anxious about feeling bad for feeling worthless. Don't dip your toe in. Don't wait another day. Just let go!

You've got to fall, fall, fall, fall, feeling all the hurt, pain, shame and anguish all along the way. Picture two mountains in your heart--maybe the Grand Canyon. You've got to fall down it. You've got to feel the fear of falling, the terror of your impending death, you've got to endure it without running to give yourself away. Let the experience teach you.

On the way down you will learn so much!

You will learn in the falling that you never really die.
You will learn in the falling that you can endure the pain.
You will learn in the falling that which you fear.
You will learn in the falling that you can take care of yourself.
You will learn in the falling the feelings which you have repressed.
You will learn in the falling the ways you have abandoned your own heart.
You will learn in the falling how amazing you are.
You will learn in the falling that there is a bottom.

Yes, there is a bottom. There is a bottom! There is a bottom and that bottom is YOU. That bottom is you. When all your falling is done. When you reach the valley of the Grand Canyon in your heart, you will see that the cold hard ground that you land on is YOU. You are there at the bottom, you are the ground that supports yourself. You are there, but you've got to fall to realize it.

Then you've got to learn to live with you there. At first, you will be bored, like I mentioned earlier. You will feel like the world out there is steak and lobster, while all your left with is Ritz Crackers. You won't have any flavor. You'll be bland, but by golly, YOU GOT YOU. And that's a plus.

From here you must discover yourself, enrich yourself, strengthen yourself, give yourself the energy you used to give away. You used to infuse others with the fantasy of what you needed. Today, you must find out--here at the bottom--what you need and figure out how to get it on your own, without outside assistance.

I know, whah whah whah, we all want to stay stuck in our pain. We don't want to fall. We don't want to get to the bottom and have to figure out all by ourselves what it is about ourselves that makes us wonderful, and how to see ourselves as more wonderful without all that outside sauce and accutriments of addiction, dependency and mental illness.

What are you afraid of if you fall? What are you afraid of if you get in touch with that child you once were, lying in bed, fearing death of no connection? What are you afraid of if you admit your helplessness, experience your hopelessness, pass through layers of shame, releasing your tenacles to the world, are you afraid you might be stuck with just you? Why is that so scary? What are you getting from clinging to the sides? When you are ready to heal, let go and fall.

Longing for You

This is da truth!!! Some of us learned it when we were little. Some of us didn't. Some of us hide that yearning with addictions or distractions, some of us count on an outside force while bashing ourselves for not being good enough to get what we need. Then there are those of us who choose to face 100 Proof Reality. The deepest longings in your heart can only be met by YOU. We have to stop running, stop hiding, stop evading our responsibility to really, truly value ourselves no matter how painful it is to face the lies blocking our way. Behind the longing is your answer--and that answer is only within YOU. <3

Dr. Dan Siegel- On Integrating the Two Hemispheres of Our Brains

Emotions in Motion

Can you hold emotions in your physical body. My intuition says YES.

Emotional Breakthroughs

I think we hold emotions in our bodies. The feelings we repress, suppress and dissociate never actually go away. You can swallow your pain, anger, frustration, sadness, grief, but it will eventually show up in some other form... Right now my hip is really pissed. It's been a raging lunatic for years, especially when I try to use it for running or yoga. Does anyone know how to release feelings that are caught up in your os coxae? Maybe I'll try acupuncture.

Believe in Yourself

Believing in yourself taps into your potential and produces emotions which spur action which helps you achieve which helps you to believe in yourself even more and then it all starts again with a little more BELIEF which keeps getting stronger. You can do it! Take that first step...

If you can't believe all the way today, believe just a little, and then take action. The results will feed your belief.

Your Own Happiness

By Jenna Ryan

You and me--we--are responsible for our own happiness. It's easy to get things confused. Our culture tells us that people, places and things are the source of our joy, our bliss and our happiness. The truth is hard to find, yet so simple. Each of us are responsible for our own happiness. Just like you can't love or be loved if you don't love yourself, no one can make you happy if you don't create your own happiness.

We all have choices. Sometimes it may feel like we have no choice but to be sad, and in some instances it's okay to be sad. Pain is a part of life. Ultimately, however, it is up to you to build your own happiness. You can't find it safely and securely outside of yourself. You yourself must plant and cultivate happiness in your own life and heart.

How do you do it? This is your responsibility, my responsibility, each of us is on this earth to understand the meaning of true happiness, peace, love, bliss and fulfillment. We are born dependent, but when we leave this earth, if we are to be mature and complete butterflies, we should have learned to recreate within our own hearts feelings of fulness and completeness to the extent that we are free.

Happiness is an inside job. :)

Unmet Needs vs. Authentic Needs

The Power of Knowing Your Feeling and Needs - Nonviolent Communication

"I like the way my trainer describes challenging emotions as guideposts to underlying needs.  Danger!  There’s a need that’s not being met.  That’s when suffering can begin."

"Uncomfortable feelings are really a cover up for unmet needs.  By following the emotional trail, you’re able to find the unmet need."

Are You Emotionally Dependent? Dr. Margaret Paul

Authentic Needs:  

"I need for you to want to spend time with me - sharing love and affection with me, connecting with me from your heart and soul, being open to learning and growing with me and playing and having fun with me. I need for you to be honest with me and to care about the effect your behavior has on me. I need to know that you support my highest good."

'Needs' Coming From Emotional Dependency

"I need your attention."
"I need your approval."
"I need for you to have sex with me when I want sex."
"I need you to make me feel lovable and worthy."
"I need you to make me feel secure."
"I need you to make me feel important."
"I need you to fill my emptiness."
"I need you to make me feel special."
"It is your job to make me happy."

Emotional Anorexia

Do you have emotional anorexia?

Real Love vs. False Love

I've also previously written about false love verses real love. False love is conditioned upon you or the other person doing what you want them to be and doing what you want them to do. False love is not real love. Real love is unconditional. Real love respects individual feelings, thoughts and perceptions. False love is the attempt to impose ones reality onto another. A very common example of acting out of false love is when a child falls on the ground and the parent, instead of soothing the child's pain, instead smiles like it never happened.

The parent would likely consider his or her actions as helping the child to overcome obstacles quickly, when in fact, the act of ignoring the pain the child is going through is damaging to the soul. Validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts and perceptions instead of trying to make what someone else experiences what you want it to be. It's more comfortable for the parent if the child smiles instead of cries, thus he or she invalidates the child by denying the child the freedom of expressing his or her pain both physical and/or emotional.

Without realizing it, we love falsely when we don't accept people for who they are. When we try to get them to smile when they are sad, we could--not always, but often, we could be invalidating their reality. It's healthy to accept others as they are, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Pain is not always fun. Many times we want to avoid it and be joyous instead, but this is detrimental to your emotional health. Painful emotions never go away. Your e-motions are energy that will stay stuck in your emotional being and even your physical body until released. Learn more about the topic in my previous article: Healing Frozen Emotions.

Outline of Personality Modes

I love this graphic! How helpful. Getting to know yourself, becoming aware of your different moods, thoughts, feelings and behaviors is the pathway to self love. This diagram stems from Transactional Analysis, a way of defining different modes and schemas that people follow when they've gone through hurt, pain and/or trauma in childhood, or been raised in any type of dysfunction. A great preface to this chart is the book, "Games People Play: Handbook of Transactional Analysis" by Eric Berne. Excellent book! I've read it a few times. Highly recommended.

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