Love Equals Respect

Respect in relationship occurs in the flow of defining who you are and how you feel. If you are engaging with someone who refuses to make behavior adjustments In accordance with your moderate emotional comfort, or at least acknowledge that you have a right to feel disappointment, frustration, anger or any of your feelings... This shows a lack of respect for your humanity. This is not okay and is considered unempathetic and disrespectful. Someone who respects you and treats you well is going to make Room for your feelings, boundaries, requests. They're not going to stonewall, gloss over the subject or demand that they are right. 

A person who is capable of Loving is capable of seeing when they may be wrong. They are capable of self reflection. They can apologize or they can discuss the hurt feelings of another without feeling threatened. Loving someone unconditionally requires that you allow them space to exist Separately from you. You are not responsible for their feelings and when they hurt your feelings you can express yourself safely and be validated by them.They meet your needs to be seen, heard and understood. That is love.

This takes maturity that some people do not have. Some people cannot love because they cannot give you space to be, they must always be right and they cannot see things from your perspective because they don't have #empathy.

If you come across a person like this it's better to keep your distance. Wish them well in love and light. You cannot change them or teach empathy. Being in a relationship with a person who does not give you space for your feelings, boundaries, makes you externally controlled; it is #enmeshment--toxic. You are not responsible if your boundaries hurt them. It is your responsibility to take care of your own sense of self and stay on your own side of the fence. You cannot control how other people feel if your existence hurts them. That's #codependency. Even though it hurts to walk away, you must do so for your own integrity.- Jenna Ryan 8/9/2019

#truth #truthbomb #love #respect#friendshipquotes #friends #lovers#relationshipquotes#relationshipgoals #relationships#selflove #selfloveu

Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU

How to Meditate to Connect with Your Core Self [SelfLoveU Video]

Feelings, heart, somatic experiencing, integration, mindfulness, breath, pain, release, growth, healing, love, present moment, presence, higher self, truth, core, wounded self, body scan, hypnosis, relaxation, wounded child, trauma recovery, child abuse recovery, codependency, addictions, relax, freedom, spaciousness, release, emotional pain, wounds, abuse recovery, chakra, heart, heartmath

Don't Give to a Taker

We can never give enough to satisfy the TAKER. It's just not possible. We irrationally believe that if we give, give, give, that one day the TAKER will be fixed and satisfied. Granted, this is a noble, selfless effort on our part--one we likely learned in childhood when we were vulnerable and helpless--however, this sacrifice is killing our own souls. We don't even get a thank you! Instead we are rejected by the Taker who loses respect and seeks another Giver to exploit. We must take our heads off the guillotine. We must stop ourselves from giving into the black hole of selfishness of any other person. We must reroute our time, attention, affection, concern and caring back to where it belongs. We must learn to GIVE to ourselves. We must take comfort in those who can give and take equally.

Jenna Ryan 

Love, Attraction & Neediness - Article Link

Here is a great article from CalmDownMind.com

Love Attraction & Neediness

100 Elements of Intimacy

Months ago I wrote the article, 100 Things Intimacy Is Not. At the time, I was just learning, growing and improving and quite frankly, I couldn't have written the article you're about to read. This article is especially good if you've wondered what this love stuff was all about... and if you're interested in learning what intimacy is from a clueless person's perspective.

You see, that's what I was. Clueless. Love doesn't come easily for some people--okay, for most people. It took me a long time to get it.. First I had to simmer in caldron of "what intimacy is not" for a few years... Now, after much study, experience and soul searching, I'm happy to say, I'm finally figuring out what intimacy is. Woo Hoo! One small step for mankind.

Hope it helps you. Wish there would have been an article like this for me to read a long time ago... It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, better late than never. Smooches!

100 Elements of Intimacy (100 Things That Intimacy Is)

1. Intimacy is the communication of authentic thoughts and feelings among two people. (Can be more, but we're focusing on two today)

2. Intimacy is the ability to disagree without being judged.

3. Intimacy is compassion for one another.

4. Intimacy is seeing the other as a separate person, not as an object.

5. Intimacy is being autonomous in relationship.

6. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable without shame.

7. Intimacy is acceptance of each other.

8. Intimacy is mentalization of the affects of yourself and the other.

9. Intimacy is emotional regulation (emotional self control).

10. Intimacy is not needing the other to make you feel any certain way.

11. Intimacy is a desire for the other to experience being heard.

12. Intimacy is reflecting how another is feeling.

13. Intimacy is sharing how you are feeling with another.

14. Intimacy is the human glue that bonds people together.

15. Intimacy is about being your true self, not someone you think your partner wants you to be.

16. Intimacy is not being afraid to admit your imperfections.

17. Intimacy is not being afraid of the reflection you see in your partner.

18. Intimacy is seeing the best in your partner.

19. Intimacy is trusting.

20. Intimacy is closeness.

21. Intimacy is not afraid to admit mistakes.

22. Intimacy is taking responsibility for your own needs.

23. Intimacy is asking for what you need without being attached to the outcome.

24. Intimacy is having a high enough self esteem to take risks.

25. Intimacy is about feelings, sharing, expressing, validating, understanding.

26. Intimacy is free from psychological defenses like denial, repression and projection.

27. Intimacy is the wisdom to see things as they really are, not as you want things to be.

28. Intimacy is the absence of resistance.

29. Intimacy is the courage to be known, even with all your flaws.

30. Intimacy is relaxing, even when you want to run away.

31. Intimacy is only possible for the emotionally mature.

32. Intimacy is not blaming yourself or the other person when things go wrong as things sometimes do.

33. Intimacy is being a mirror of your partners feelings.

34. Intimacy is about being able to share feelings that are both good and bad.

35. Intimacy is about considering the other person.

36. Intimacy is about self nurture, self care as well as other nurture and other care.

37. Intimacy is what first happens between a properly attached mother and infant.

38. Intimacy requires total honesty.

39. Intimacy promotes the individuality of both parties.

40. Intimacy heals the heart of painful past problems.

41. Intimacy fulfills each person an makes one whole.

42. Intimacy is clarifying what you think the other person is feeling.

43. Intimacy is taking the time to share your feelings with each other.

44. Intimacy is expressing your truth without waivering.

45. Intimacy is being able to tolerate the anxiety, fear of abandonment.

46. Intimacy is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

47. Intimacy is possible only with a securely attached heart.

48. Intimacy takes work to maintain.

49. Intimacy is raw honesty with another human being.

50. Intimacy is the unfolding of humanity in the container of relationship.

51. Intimacy is respect for self and respect for the other.

52. Intimacy is equality for each person in the relationship.

53. Intimacy is apologizing for wrongs.

54. Intimacy is in facing barriers to deeper connection and making corrections.

55. Intimacy is forgiveness.

56. Intimacy is standing in the fire, strong enough not to be burned.

57. Intimacy is skill.

58. Intimacy is strength of character, personality and heart.

59. Intimacy is remembering that there are two sides to every story.

60. Intimacy is openness to life as it comes, not how you want it to be.

61. Intimacy is the ability to cope well with uncertainty.

62. Intimacy is spontaneous, real time engagement.

63. Intimacy is about growing internally and fostering growth of your partner in all ways.

64. Intimacy is wanting the best for each other, however that plays out.

65. Intimacy is nonjudgmental, open, honest and accepting.

66. Intimacy gives space for individual growth.

67. Intimacy is preferring one another.

68. Intimacy is seeing your partner's happiness as more important than your own.

69. Intimacy is having strong boundaries.

70. Intimacy requires a solid, secure self identity.

71. Intimacy is overlooking negative emotions in your partner and helping them through it.

72. Intimacy shows us that what we see in the other good or bad is actually what we harbor within ourselves.

73. Intimacy is dancing in step, being in sync, on the same page--attunement.

74. Intimacy is patience.

75. Intimacy is taking care of your own neediness and not expecting your partner to help.

76. Intimacy is most like unconditional love.

77. Intimacy is staying in the present moment.

78. Intimacy is not projecting your negative self views onto the other person.

79. Intimacy is bouncing back quickly after a disagreement.

80. Intimacy is being secure enough to mend ruptures to the relationship.

81. Intimacy is trusting the other person is doing you right.

82. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight.

83. Intimacy is holding the other tightly, and letting go freely.

84. Intimacy is detachment from needing one another to be any way other than who they are.

85. Intimacy is not looking for flaws, faults or mistakes.

86. Intimacy is believing in your partner and trusting they can work through their issues.

87. Intimacy is a cushion in a rough world.

88. Intimacy is an emotionally safe place where you are loved and supported.

89. Intimacy seeks to understand before trying to be understood.

90. Intimacy listens with empathy and heart.

91. Intimacy is a balance between autonomy and togetherness.

92. Intimacy is being real--not playing games or sticking to certain roles.

93. Intimacy is tolerant of frustration.

94. Intimacy is not keeping score.

95. Intimacy is expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion to one another to avoid a build up of resentment.

96. Intimacy is taking care of yourself so you can give your attention to the other instead of spending energy trying to get something that you need.

97. Intimacy is knowing you are worthy of love.

98. Intimacy is maintaining ethical relations with one another.

99. Intimacy allows abundance to flow.

100. Intimacy requires that you love your own life.

Read this article too...
100 Things Intimacy is Not

What is intimacy?
How to have intimacy.
Intimacy issues.
Relationships
Improve Intimacy
Intimacy in marriage
Attachment, Attached
Connections
Fear of Intimacy 

Your True Self Knows the Truth

Your True Self knows who you are. Your True Self knows your value, that you're connected with the Source of all creation. Your True Self knows that you are Love at the core of your being. This attitude of worthlessness is merely your False Self that you erected as a psychological defense to childhood abuse and neglect. 

This false self saved your ass and kept you sane as a child, but as an adult, it is no longer healthy. You've got to break through this barrier of lies, pain, false beliefs and get down to the wound, heal the wound through your presence and then your mind will untwist and you'll see your true essence on the other side. 

Fear of Abandonment

Loving Yourself and fear of abandonment do not mix. A person who loves themselves does not fear being abandoned. If you have a fear of abandonment, it means you do not love yourself. The two are mutually exclusive. If you panic at the thought of being rejected and abandoned by the one you love, and it causes you to cling and create a fantasy-bond, then you can be sure that you and your relationship are headed off a cliff.

When a child is wounded through neglect or abuse, his boundaries are violated. This sets the child up for fears of being either abandoned or engulfed. When he has a sense of self-value and self confidence, he doesn't fear being abandoned. 

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming"

No one can love you if you fear they'll leave you. Love is the absence of fear. Love casts out fear. Love ebbs and it flows. The tide comes in and the tide goes. You can't be afraid of the natural order of life... Learn to let go.

You have to face your fear of abandonment, go with it to the pit, see that it won't kill you to be abandoned. You will rise again. You're like the Terminator. Abandonment won't kill you--but the fear of it will destroy your relationships and self esteem.

Breathe deep & stand firm. Hold yourself when you're afraid. Remember you're not a fragmented part, you are a whole person with a whole life ahead of you. You may have been abandoned as a child, but that can never happen again. You're an adult and you can take care of yourself. The only one who can abandon you now is you.

Great article on healing the abandonment core wound: The Spirit of Ma'at - Abandonment Abyss.

100 Things Intimacy is Not

Have you ever asked yourself, WHAT IS INTIMACY? If so, you're smart because intimacy is one of the most precious, evolved experiences known to man. It's the most connected kind of love you can have, and something that we humans are hardwired to seek. Unfortunately, many of us are ill equipped to be truly intimate and real with one another. There is so much baggage that's been passed down to today's human race. So much mental illness, abuse, false beliefs and other crap--few get the benefit of true intimacy. 

In exploring the concept of intimacy, I've decided to start with all the things we try to pretend are intimacy, but which are no where near true connection. In fact, this list contains many maladaptive behaviors that push intimacy and true love away--far away. 

Take a look at this list and see if any of these issues plague your life, and if it does, take all the time in the world to fix it. True intimacy is worth all the work you have to do on yourself to get there. Happy Loving!


1. Intimacy is not an interaction based on power and control.
2. Intimacy is not between two relationally unequal people.
3. Intimacy is not dictating how the other person should think, feel or be.
4. Intimacy is not manipulating someone to pay attention to you.
5. Intimacy is not playing games.
6. Intimacy is not one-sided.
7. Intimacy is not conditional love.
8. Intimacy is not judgmental.
9. Intimacy is not an ego boost.
10. Intimacy is not an attempt to prove your worth with another person's acceptance.
11. Intimacy is not painful.
12. Intimacy is not trying to please another person by morphing into someone else.
13. Intimacy is not silence, withholding or withdrawing.
14. Intimacy is not demanding your own way.
15. Intimacy is not pleasing a person at all costs.
16. Intimacy is not fusion.
17. Intimacy is not alienation.
18. Intimacy is not going along with what the other person wants at all times.
19. Intimacy is not punishing another for not doing what you want. 
20. Intimacy is not afraid of closeness.
21. Intimacy is not found in those who cannot love themselves.
22. Intimacy is not a reason to hide your true self.
23. Intimacy is not perfectionism. 
24. Intimacy is not possible when you're giving into shame.
25. Intimacy is not objectification of another person. 
26. Intimacy is not a trophy wife.
27. Intimacy is not narcissistic.
28. Intimacy is not a crutch.
29. Intimacy is not enabling a person to remain in their addictions. 
30. Intimacy is not lying and conniving. 
31. Intimacy is not running away.
32. Intimacy is not exploitation. 
33. Intimacy is not all or nothing. 
34. Intimacy is not fear of rejection.
35. Intimacy is not invalidation.
36. Intimacy is not refusing to meet half way.
37. Intimacy is not rejection.
38. Intimacy is not demanding the other person to change. 
39. Intimacy is not fixing one another. 
40. Intimacy is not jealousy.
41. Intimacy is not found in multiple affairs.
42. Intimacy is not deception.
43. Intimacy is not pornography.
44. Intimacy is not lust. 
45. Intimacy is not obsession.
46. Intimacy is not addiction.
47. Intimacy is not infatuation.
48. Intimacy is not turning your back on the other. 
49. Intimacy is not expecting one person to meet all your needs.
50. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be your whole world.
51. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be responsible for your truth.
52. Intimacy is not a rescue mission. 
53. Intimacy is not selfishness.
54. Intimacy is not rigid.
55. Intimacy is not a free-for-all.
56. Intimacy is not disrespectful.
57. Intimacy is not a demand or requirement on another. 
58. Intimacy is not afraid to apologize. 
59. Intimacy is not being worried about who is right.
60. Intimacy is not ignoring hurts. 
61. Intimacy is not about acting one way when you feel another.
62. Intimacy is not about emotional explosions. 
63. Intimacy is not about image. 
64. Intimacy is not about dependency.
65. Intimacy is not something you will die without. 
66. Intimacy is not romantic love, though romantic love can certainly be involved.
67. Intimacy is not sex, though sex can increase intimacy. 
68. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight. 
69. Intimacy is not hiding your true feelings. 
70. Intimacy is not meeting the dependency needs of your childhood.
71. Intimacy is not treating the other as less than. 
72. Intimacy is not name calling and abusing. 
73. Intimacy is not triggered from your unconscious. 
74. Intimacy is not a list of rules and dogma.
75. Intimacy is not pretending to be someone you're not. 
76. Intimacy is not accepting inappropriate behavior in the other.
77. Intimacy is not about hiding from the truth.
78. Intimacy is not anxious and waiting for the other shoe to fly off.
79. Intimacy is not insecurity.
80. Intimacy is not longing.
81. Intimacy is not confusing. 
82. Intimacy is not impatient.
83. Intimacy is not ego based. 
84. Intimacy is not something you can force.
85. Intimacy is not found in most relationships. 
86. Intimacy is not critical of one another.
87. Intimacy is not distrustful.
88. Intimacy is not afraid to let another in.
89. Intimacy is not stagnant. 
90. Intimacy is not two people with one body.
91. Intimacy is not between two lonely people.
92. Intimacy is not automatic. 
93. Intimacy is not engulfment.
94. Intimacy is not your fantasy.
95. Intimacy is not fear of abandonment.
96. Intimacy is not built up resentments.
97. Intimacy is not projections. 
98. Intimacy is not ego-defenses. 
99. Intimacy is not the approval of the other.
100. Intimacy is not being thin or rich or good-looking enough for love.

(c) Jenna Ryan 2014


100 Things That Intimacy Is

Emotional Tunnel Vision

Emotional Tunnel vision in my life is when you focus on one thing without considering all the options. It's an obsession of sorts, when you focus too heavily on one person, one love, one issue, one solution, one problem, one way out.

Tunnel vision is a way that you sabotage yourself by over focusing on one detail of whatever it is you're focused on to detriment of all the other potentialities. Over-focusing on one thing can cause you to make mistakes in judgment.

If you were mistreated or abused as a child, you may have the tendency to become over-involved, emotionally over-invested in people and outcomes that healthy people can easily get over. Children who are maltreated get triggered into "fight or flight" mode easily. When the human body is in fight or flight mode, the mind becomes intensely focused on the thing that is a potential source of danger. The brain doesn't give up this fight or flight mechanism easily. As an adult, you carry the wounds of childhood with you, and this can include becoming triggered and over concerned about things that are not in your control.

Tunnel vision is when you focus on things outside of your control in an obsessive-fashion, to the detriment of all your options. You feel like this or that HAS TO HAPPEN in order for you to feel good, safe or secure... so you focus all your energies on this one thing while forgetting who you really are, and many times forgetting what other things are really important to you.

Tunnel vision can be considered to be a cognitive bias as well, when one focuses only one the negative of the situation while ignoring all the positives. It is the process of focusing on only one thing instead of remaining open minded. Paying too much attention to the details of a scenario you want to happen in your life, while not considering the big picture.

In the legal world of the judge and jury, tunnel vision is said to distort the perception of the evidence. It's a term for when the legal system distorts the evidence to suit their original leanings.

It's important that you remove your defenses and to keep the big picture in view when dealing with your own life. You don't want to limit yourself by thinking, feeling and acting on limited data--you want to operate from reality--which includes a multitude of options.

Many times what we think HAS TO HAPPEN is not what life has in store for us. We don't know the future, we can't say definitively what is the best path for us. We have to trust that life is unfolding precisely the way that it should and take our minds off the obsessions of what we think needs to happen, and be open to all the things in the world that may be ours.

Tunnel vision can get you stuck, and lead you away from your Highest Good. Take a step back, a deep breath and a broad view if you want to experience all that life has to offer. There are many roads to happiness... let yours unfold naturally with your eyes wide open.

When Vision Becomes Tunnel Vision - Psychology Today

Sometimes our minds are limited to seeing and understanding what our greatest outcome can be so we become resistant to any other way than how we see it. When we let go of attachments to an outcome, we allow room for things to unfold far beyond what we could have ever imagined it to be. Let go and allow the best to flow. 

 

-Kat Zaghi

Attract Your Ideal Partner - Self Hypnosis - Law of Attraction - Binaural Isochronic

This is amazeballs. It works FAST. Incredible. You have to be ready. You have to do the work behind the scenes, but when you're ready, this will work. I listen daily using my Dr. Dre headphones. Headphones are required for effect of binaural beats.

Life is a Classroom

By Jenna Ryan February 25, 2014

Life is a classroom where we learn to be who we are--extensions of the divine, of great love and awesome power to move mountains. ~ Jenna Ryan

Knowing is present tense. Faith is knowing even before manifestation. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". Hebrews 11:1 Faith (believing before manifestation) is your power to create on this planet. 

Problems are distractions from the knowledge of your full power as the creator of your life. Strength comes by focusing your faith/power and overcoming obstacles. You have everything you need to fly RIGHT NOW. You're not missing a thing. You must only realize your power to make your own life happen. Lift off. You are pure potential. 

YOU. YOU. YOU are a vessel of power, a wellspring of answers, a universe of expansion lies within you. Go inside.

The understanding of the power of your thoughts is like fire, then electricity... You have untapped power inside of you.

Finding the right thought and holding it steady is like a treasure hunt leading to your destiny. #dotjenna #original 

That which to hate expands that which to love. Evil expands good. Death expands life.

As life has seasons, so does the spirit. As life has ages, so does the spirit. Divisions amongst God expands that which to love.

You were created to tap into the divine within and pour out its riches to the younger ones.

The way to fulfill your burning desires is not the way you think. No. It will take different thought--that you must find--to get there.

Whenever you are ready, your suddenly will come.

Your faith is your power to move mountains and manifest the truth of who you are, that burning desire in your heart.


You can spread your wings and fly right now simply by choosing to do so. You can choose the feeling & lightness as you soar to your dreams.

YOU can spread your wings and fly right now. Contrary to what you think, you don't have to go back to the beginning & get what you missed.

If you don't think it's holding you back, it's not. If you think it's holding you back, it is. So STOP IT.

Whatever you feel is holding you back is only holding you back because you feel it. Dismiss the notion and watch the obstacle melt away.

You are the very heartbeat of God.

Whatever obstacle you face, whatever thorn in your side is the weight which builds strength for fulfilling the purpose of your life.

Faith is knowing before seeing, feeling before being and believing before manifesting. ~ Jenna Ryan

FAITH is knowing BEFORE it reaches the 5 senses. Belief that moves mountains occurs in the realm of power that you can't see, taste, touch, hear, smell--yet...  




Mastery of the realm of possibility is the main purpose of life, tapping into the divine & expanding its power by faith unto manifestation.

Whatever you were born to carry out will require that you take the leap from the here, now and into the realm of possibility.

The burning desire in your heart to be more, do more, see more is a divine purpose that you were born to carry out.

Obstacles in your way represent the divide between what you see today and what is truly possible for your life if you raise your expectation

The leap of faith required to reach your dreams is a vast divide between knowing what you see now, and believing in your own power to create

Your dreams lie on the other side of knowing that you have the power to foster beliefs that align with your wishes to usher you in.

The bridge from feeling to knowing is the pathway to the divine, owning the power that lies within to create a life that you dreamed up.

If you want to feel the satisfaction of the manifestation of your heart's desire, you must know it before it comes to past.

Satisfaction is the feeling that comes when you experience your heart's desire. To reach for your hearts desire, you must only line up with the FEELING of satisfaction BY FAITH. 

Satisfaction is a feeling that comes from seeing the evidence before it manifests.

Feeling is reaching, knowing is grasping. You feel your way to knowing.

Faith is the feeling before knowing.

Knowing is present tense. Faith is knowing even before manifestation.

You FEEL loving another because you can't get out of yourself and truly know the other. (Not in the actual sense), but you KNOW their love.

How does it feel to be loved? You don't feel it. You know it.

FEELING leads to knowing. 

Feeling is on the path to knowing. #dotjenna #original

Knowing is the solid form of feeling.

Life is a classroom that teaches the willing who you are, and the power that lies hidden within. You must seek it to find it. Find it by searching for the right thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

The Reason I Am Single

THE REASON I AM SINGLE is that I've had to work on myself. Relationships are tough for some people. If you have any unhealed parts, it makes it's way into the relationship and destroys it. Either that or you choose the wrong person for the wrong reasons and that never lasts. It's taken me a long time and grueling work to heal. I've had to learn to love myself and my precious life enough to handle being loved by another. It's a delicate balance of letting love in without needing it. Some of you are natural lovers. Kudos! Some of us do the best we can. You play the hand you're dealt. I still have hope, but that hope is in me standing strong--not in finding a savior to make me worthy. I'm a work in progress and oh so grateful to have come so far.

Happy Valentines Day!!! 

Empty Space

From Inner Bonding

 

At any moment that you are not connecting with yourself and with Spirit, not being filled with the love that is Spirit, you are empty - empty of love. An empty space is a needy space, a space that pulls love and energy from others. Today, put your focus in your heart, choose the intent to learn about love, and open to being filled by the Love and Grace of Spirit.

 

 

Ready to Attract a Relationship

Absolutely incredible!

How To Pull Yourself Inside

One of the neatest things I learned along the way in my healing transformation from being a fear-based person to a love-based person is how to "Pull Yourself Inside." This is a process that I created myself, as a basis of healing, based on my extensive research. This is not a process you will find in any other book on the planet, unless someone decides to copy me.

This is one of the many things I learned along the way that helped me in the healing process, a tool, a process that was not available anywhere else, but that I discovered through research and soul searching. It's fascinating, it's amazing and I believe it has the potential to revolutionize Childhood Trauma Healing process as well as Codependency Recovery. This is powerful.

Learning to "Pull Yourself Inside" is a natural outflow of the healing process when you're on target and moving forward. I think it is akin to personal integration and it feels magnificent, although a bit awkward at first.

Pulling yourself inside is about capturing yourself, every part of yourself, parts you used to regularly, easily give away, and refunneling that good stuff back into yourself where it belongs. See how weird that sounds? I don't care. It's true! It's about taking your thoughts back. It's about taking your time back to use for yourself. It's about taking your energy back, your concern, your care and your compassion, it's about taking all that good stuff inside you that you used to give away to someone who wasn't emotionally available, or worse, who was abusive; and funneling those things back unto yourself where it always belongs.

This means that when you talk and connect with others, your focus is not on Sue Ellen, Bobby Sue or Bob Smith. No. Your focus is not external. You bring your focus back to you, no matter how awkward it feels.

There is a reason why so many of us in recovery focus externally... Firstly, you feel like your worth comes from the outside, not inside... and second, because it can be quite uncomfortable to focus on ourselves... It's because nobody ever focused on us before, not truly, not like this, and we don't know how to focus on ourselves.

• It's because we don't know who we are or what we're supposed to focus on. 

• It's because we don't want to be exposed and vulnerable, so we converse about other people's issues (or shall I say, we project our issues onto other people) so that our ego can keep its hands clean. 

• It's because religion has taught us that to be humble we must never think of ourselves. 

• It's because we're filled with shame and thinking of ourselves often triggers a bad feeling.

• It's because as children, in order to get approval, we had to focus externally to survive. 

• It's because we don't know any other way. 

• It's because our brains were conditioned early-on to abandon ourselves and focus on others.

• It's because we think that we focus on ourselves a lot, but in actuality, our primary focus is on others. 

The problem is, when we're focusing on other people, when we're blaming instead of taking ownership, then we are just delaying our own progress. We cannot get ahead if we stay stuck on the merry-go-round of denial, blame and projection. It's not possible. In order to heal, in order to transform, in order to grow, in order to get to the next level mentally and emotionally, we must deal with the truth. We must be friendly with the facts. We must focus on ourselves.

There are many ways to pull yourself inside. Any of the following techniques are extremely helpful and represent some ways I've discovered to pull myself inside. Perhaps you have your own way. Perhaps some of these ways that work for me won't work for you. That's okay. The point is, making a concentrated, FOCUSED EFFORT to pull your affect inward, toward yourself.

Focused Effort

• Refocusing your thoughts ONTO YOURSELF.
• Refocusing your conversations ONTO YOURSELF. (Not being selfish, just not talking about the problems of other people--you can do nothing about those people... also steering clear of too much data and 'intellectualizing.')
• Refocusing your actions ONTO YOURSELF. (Not saying to disregard responsibility, but rather, take more time out to do things to your benefit, especially if you're over-concerned with doing for other people most of the time.) 

Focused effort means to catch yourself when you feel yourself slipping away toward external control.

• This means, catching yourself when you're day dreaming about that awful relationship, telling yourself that it really wasn't so bad.
• This means catching yourself when you're crying about a past relationship. (Shouldn't you be thinking about yourself?)
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you find that you're focusing on someone elses issues.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you take too much time dwaddling when you promised yourself you would spend time on yourself.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you're worried about whether someone likes you or not, whether they approve of you.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you're working non-stop and not taking any breaks.

 The process of pulling yourself inside is just that. A process. It takes time to strengthen your neural pathways in your brain to make this process a habit, but eventually, it will become more natural for you to center on yourself than outside parties. The payoff is that you have a place from which to start to build your new identity, that of a "Healed Person," and write a new story for how your life will go from now on. Granted, your new space inside your own heart may feel bland and empty right now, but pretty soon I'm going to walk you through the process of decorating your inner life with things such as gratitude, compassion, beauty, knowledge, wisdom and love.

Longing for You

This is da truth!!! Some of us learned it when we were little. Some of us didn't. Some of us hide that yearning with addictions or distractions, some of us count on an outside force while bashing ourselves for not being good enough to get what we need. Then there are those of us who choose to face 100 Proof Reality. The deepest longings in your heart can only be met by YOU. We have to stop running, stop hiding, stop evading our responsibility to really, truly value ourselves no matter how painful it is to face the lies blocking our way. Behind the longing is your answer--and that answer is only within YOU. <3

Don't Be a Plan "F"

I Am Love

You don't need to love yourself, YOU ARE LOVE. The task of living is to discover the essence of love that is already inside of you, to remove the barriers, the limitations and restrictions that keep you from seeing who you truly are.

~ Jenna Ryan

You Can't Love Just Anybody

One of the most important decisions you'll ever make is who you choose to love. Who you choose to love will impact the quality of your life all the days that you live. Unfortunately, there is no class in public school which teaches how to choose the right mate, one that will love you right, remain faithful and care for you until death-do-you-part. But what is it? What qualities make up a person to be love-worthy. Why do we make so many mistakes when everything "feels" so right? Is it you? Is it me? Is there something wrong with our type of love? Or is the problem in who we choose to love?

DRAFT

I love Eric Fromm's book, "The Art of Loving," where he depicts the qualities that are necessary in a person to be a safe bet for loving. 

“Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving