You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

How to Walk Away

I need to do a video on this, but I'm extremely busy with my real estate practice.

I posted this image you see on this blog post to my private SelfLoveU Group on Facebook, and got some questions as to HOW you do this. HOW do you walk away from harmful others? HOW do you love yourself enough to walk away?

Having just a tiny bit of rest in between major projects, I am answering below. I think it's important to share. It's some really deep stuff, profound learning. It's right where I am on my personal healing journey and it's beautiful. Here is is in a nutshell.

You have to build internal boundaries inside your own psyche. You have to open up the enmeshment like an accordion and let your true self rise up to protect you. You have to allow your anger to surface, and get in touch with your sense of self protection. You have to unravel the trauma bonds. You have to deal with original relationship issues so that you have better internal eyesight when dealing with harmful others. You have to grieve, readjust your thinking and grow into a differentiated human being who doesn't need or rely on external sources of validation. All this you must do!!! It's a long road, but can be done if you work hard, seek guidance and do not give up. ~ Jenna

An undifferentiated person who was abused as a child emotionally, physically, sexually, is a person who is codependent. A psychological blob. Everything you do, think and feel takes into account the abuser's opinion. The abuser's opinion becomes your own internal critic in adulthood. What's more, is that the abuser becomes A PART OF YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP as an adult. Therefore, as an adult, you seek out abuse because it is a mirror to what's already inside you. It's familiar. You were victimized, and you have victim mentality and being a victim feels more comfortable than standing on your own two feet.

If you want to heal and become strong, you have to start looking within yourself, by examining your own thoughts and feelings religiously. Keep a journal. I have 100s of journals. You have to start seeing the parts of yourself and the situations you encounter that cause you to align with someone who abusive towards you. This is an internal conflict. An internal split within your psyche. You have to reconcile that split and learn to allow yourself to be a whole person. a whole person doesn't have any question as to what's good or bad treatment. They easily walk away because there is nothing inside of them telling them that they deserve it. 

It's Okay to Let People Know When They Take a Crap on You

You do not have to feel guilty for letting people know that they have upset you. It is your responsibility to express your truth and let people know when they've crossed the line. This is being human. It's not like you're exploding like a crazy person when you let them know. You are calmly expressing your disfavor. There is nothing wrong with defining yourself and having a voice.

If you feel guilty for expressing your disappointment for the disrespectful treatment from others, then remind yourself this: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPRESS YOUR DISFAVOR. You don't have to be nice all the time, especially to people who are rude, abusive, exploitative, petty or dishonoring to you. You don't even have to be nice to normal people who are making you upset. You can be who you are, no matter who is coming at you.

Years ago I used to be so nice to everyone, no matter what they did to me. I had some impulse inside of me to continue being nice to rude, mean people. I would even call them and invite them places and sometimes buy them gifts. They would ignore me, reject me and laugh behind-my-back. I was a doormat and I couldn't stop myself.

This is because I was conditioned as a child to be a people pleaser, even to abusers. I was taught that I was worthless and that I needed outside approval. It has taken a long time to learn that I have a right to stand-up and walk-away from mean people. I am still learning this more clearly every day.

I still have tendencies today to be too nice to rude people. I have to stop myself. Sometimes, I'm nice to rude people without even thinking about it. It's like my true self goes away and the little child in me takes over unprotected. My little child still has problems with being triggered, overwhelmed and afraid of obnoxious, manipulative or demanding people.

Sure, I could read articles about how to shut-down bullies, but that is a topical solution. My inner child takes over whenever I get around people who have characteristics of my original abusers (wounding). So therefore, all the articles on being assertive in the world won't help me unless I get the cooperation of my inner child.

When my inner child gets scared, she freezes and goes numb. People are then able to do things to me without my adult self knowing what's up--until later when the mean person is gone. Then I used to complain to others, but now I am at least healed to the point that I go directly to the offender and let them know and set a boundary. Sometimes I stay present the entire time, it depends on how rude the person is and a host of other circumstances.

Part of my healing requires that I dialog with my inner child and to let her know that I'm here now. We are not back there when I was abused as a child. We're here in 2016 and together, we have the ability to protect me. It's 2016 and mean people can no longer take control of me. It's 2016 and I am healed and I have the power to walk away. It's 2016 and I can take a stand; and if necessary spray mace in the face of any attackers (just kidding, sort of).

Little by little when you start taking a stand for YOU, your inner child starts trusting you more and you can stay present. If you are triggered back to a child state when you're around abusive, irate, explosive or bossy people, then starting a dialog with your inner child is essential. Letting your inner child know that you are there to protect him or her is the pathway to recovery.

Let your inner child know you're here to protect and defend her. Don't spend another minute feeling guilty for being who you are. It's not your fault that person is creepy! Why should YOU feel guilty for some hurtful, disrespectful thing someone else does to you??? It's your right to let them know what you don't appreciate.

The Guilt Factor

The guilt comes in as a leftover from childhood. Children often feel guilty for the behavior of their parents. Kids see their parents as gods just in order to psychologically develop. If you feel guilty when expressing your angst to abusive or otherwise hurtful people, it is not a feeling for today--it's leftover childish thinking from long ago. The truth is, it wasn't your fault then and it's not your fault today. They should have treated you better then, and you have the power to require that others treat you better today.

Some guilt also comes in from deliberate placement by your original abusers. Narcissists, psychopaths and other maladaptive personalities purposefully induce guilt in order to control and exploit--especially their own vulnerable children. A narcissist caretaker teaches the child to feel guilty for the child's own negative emotions toward abuse. It's a form of emotional manipulation; and parentification of children. This is an insidious process that cripples the child emotionally and in all later relationships until healing is discovered in adulthood. Some guilt is planted by the original abusers, so don't fall for it.

You have the right to feel like crap if someone takes a poop on you. It's not your job to feel guilty for letting them know you're not a toilet.

Boundaries: Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

100 Things Intimacy is Not

Have you ever asked yourself, WHAT IS INTIMACY? If so, you're smart because intimacy is one of the most precious, evolved experiences known to man. It's the most connected kind of love you can have, and something that we humans are hardwired to seek. Unfortunately, many of us are ill equipped to be truly intimate and real with one another. There is so much baggage that's been passed down to today's human race. So much mental illness, abuse, false beliefs and other crap--few get the benefit of true intimacy. 

In exploring the concept of intimacy, I've decided to start with all the things we try to pretend are intimacy, but which are no where near true connection. In fact, this list contains many maladaptive behaviors that push intimacy and true love away--far away. 

Take a look at this list and see if any of these issues plague your life, and if it does, take all the time in the world to fix it. True intimacy is worth all the work you have to do on yourself to get there. Happy Loving!


1. Intimacy is not an interaction based on power and control.
2. Intimacy is not between two relationally unequal people.
3. Intimacy is not dictating how the other person should think, feel or be.
4. Intimacy is not manipulating someone to pay attention to you.
5. Intimacy is not playing games.
6. Intimacy is not one-sided.
7. Intimacy is not conditional love.
8. Intimacy is not judgmental.
9. Intimacy is not an ego boost.
10. Intimacy is not an attempt to prove your worth with another person's acceptance.
11. Intimacy is not painful.
12. Intimacy is not trying to please another person by morphing into someone else.
13. Intimacy is not silence, withholding or withdrawing.
14. Intimacy is not demanding your own way.
15. Intimacy is not pleasing a person at all costs.
16. Intimacy is not fusion.
17. Intimacy is not alienation.
18. Intimacy is not going along with what the other person wants at all times.
19. Intimacy is not punishing another for not doing what you want. 
20. Intimacy is not afraid of closeness.
21. Intimacy is not found in those who cannot love themselves.
22. Intimacy is not a reason to hide your true self.
23. Intimacy is not perfectionism. 
24. Intimacy is not possible when you're giving into shame.
25. Intimacy is not objectification of another person. 
26. Intimacy is not a trophy wife.
27. Intimacy is not narcissistic.
28. Intimacy is not a crutch.
29. Intimacy is not enabling a person to remain in their addictions. 
30. Intimacy is not lying and conniving. 
31. Intimacy is not running away.
32. Intimacy is not exploitation. 
33. Intimacy is not all or nothing. 
34. Intimacy is not fear of rejection.
35. Intimacy is not invalidation.
36. Intimacy is not refusing to meet half way.
37. Intimacy is not rejection.
38. Intimacy is not demanding the other person to change. 
39. Intimacy is not fixing one another. 
40. Intimacy is not jealousy.
41. Intimacy is not found in multiple affairs.
42. Intimacy is not deception.
43. Intimacy is not pornography.
44. Intimacy is not lust. 
45. Intimacy is not obsession.
46. Intimacy is not addiction.
47. Intimacy is not infatuation.
48. Intimacy is not turning your back on the other. 
49. Intimacy is not expecting one person to meet all your needs.
50. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be your whole world.
51. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be responsible for your truth.
52. Intimacy is not a rescue mission. 
53. Intimacy is not selfishness.
54. Intimacy is not rigid.
55. Intimacy is not a free-for-all.
56. Intimacy is not disrespectful.
57. Intimacy is not a demand or requirement on another. 
58. Intimacy is not afraid to apologize. 
59. Intimacy is not being worried about who is right.
60. Intimacy is not ignoring hurts. 
61. Intimacy is not about acting one way when you feel another.
62. Intimacy is not about emotional explosions. 
63. Intimacy is not about image. 
64. Intimacy is not about dependency.
65. Intimacy is not something you will die without. 
66. Intimacy is not romantic love, though romantic love can certainly be involved.
67. Intimacy is not sex, though sex can increase intimacy. 
68. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight. 
69. Intimacy is not hiding your true feelings. 
70. Intimacy is not meeting the dependency needs of your childhood.
71. Intimacy is not treating the other as less than. 
72. Intimacy is not name calling and abusing. 
73. Intimacy is not triggered from your unconscious. 
74. Intimacy is not a list of rules and dogma.
75. Intimacy is not pretending to be someone you're not. 
76. Intimacy is not accepting inappropriate behavior in the other.
77. Intimacy is not about hiding from the truth.
78. Intimacy is not anxious and waiting for the other shoe to fly off.
79. Intimacy is not insecurity.
80. Intimacy is not longing.
81. Intimacy is not confusing. 
82. Intimacy is not impatient.
83. Intimacy is not ego based. 
84. Intimacy is not something you can force.
85. Intimacy is not found in most relationships. 
86. Intimacy is not critical of one another.
87. Intimacy is not distrustful.
88. Intimacy is not afraid to let another in.
89. Intimacy is not stagnant. 
90. Intimacy is not two people with one body.
91. Intimacy is not between two lonely people.
92. Intimacy is not automatic. 
93. Intimacy is not engulfment.
94. Intimacy is not your fantasy.
95. Intimacy is not fear of abandonment.
96. Intimacy is not built up resentments.
97. Intimacy is not projections. 
98. Intimacy is not ego-defenses. 
99. Intimacy is not the approval of the other.
100. Intimacy is not being thin or rich or good-looking enough for love.

(c) Jenna Ryan 2014


100 Things That Intimacy Is

What is Respect?

What does it mean to be respected? It's more than just being honored and tended to. Respect is simple. I love Pia Melody's definition of respect:

Respect is allowing someone to be who they are without judging them or trying to change them into what you need them to be. ~ Pia Melody 

Respect is allowing another person to be who they are. Self Respect is honoring yourself, honoring your own truth and standing up for yourself, even when others don't like what you have to say or who you are. Self Respect is sticking to your own truth and not bending to be accepted or approved of by others. Respecting others involves letting them be who they are without judging them or requiring that they fit your ideals in order to get your approval or acceptance.

I love respect. It feels amazing. XO 

Assertive Rights

Do You Love Yourself? How Can You Tell

I am very fond of this gentleman's work on YouTube. His videos are very clear and factual. I find them to be very helpful to me. Let me know what you think...

Honor Yourself

You have needs.
It is not your job
to be nice to everybody
at your own expense, or
make everyone else
happy while ignoring
your own heart. You
are on this planet with
one Self and it is your
duty to ensure that You
remain as comfortable as
possible, while giving heed
to others in equal measure,
but not more. You deserve
your own respect as much
as anyone else. Do not forget
to HONOR YOURSELF.

~ dotJenna ~

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