See the Behavior, Not the Excuses

Those of us who may have once had difficulty loving ourselves, raised by narcissists, are dependent on the opinions of others, and are people pleasers who feel the need to gain outside approval have a tendency to let abusive people off the hook too easily. We do this by our own internal thought processes. We make the abuser okay. We make the manipulative person okay. We make the narcissist okay to ourselves by making excuses for their behavior rather than seeing the behavior for what it is and taking care of our own interests.

I did a video on "Making Excuses for the Abuser" a week or so ago. This is a follow-up to that video.

Here is a list of examples:

Linda was rude to me the other night, barking orders at me and not letting me finish a sentence because she's a very intense person and she'd had 2 glasses of wine and all her friends around, so she was excited.

Behavior: Linda was rude to me the other night.

________________

Mark started yelling at me the other night while we were cuddling because he has issues. His mother abandoned him as a child and his ex-wife cheated on him. 


Behavior: Mark started yelling at me the other night for no reason.

________________

Kendra stood me up on my birthday because her phone was broken and she had to work late.

Behavior: Kendra stood me up on my birthday.

________________

Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with, because she's jealous that she doesn't have a date.

Behavior: Amy insulted the guy I am going on a date with

 ________________

My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor, because I am not a neat person and he is.

Behavior: My husband just yelled at me to mop the floor.

 ________________

My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight because that is the only time that is convenient for her.

 Behavior: My best friend will only talk to me via email after midnight

 ________________

My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused when I was a little girl because she was so young.

Behavior: My mother neglected my needs and allowed me to be abused.

________________
 
The reason why a person offends you, harms you, manipulates or abuses you does not have anything to do with you. You are not responsible for other people and the reasons why they do what they do to you. You are only responsible to yourself for what you allow other people to do to you. If you are mistreated, it is your responsibility to set boundaries and limits to keep yourself safe and intact.

When you consider the reasons why someone does something and and place more value on the excuse than on the crappy behavior, you are giving too much to the other person and abandoning yourself. There are a few phrases to describe this behavior:

• Over Giving
• Codependency
• Over empathizing
• People Pleasing
• Approval Junky
• Doormat 
• Self Abandonment  
• Care Taking

There is no excuse to justify actions that are harmful to your being. You cannot get out of responsibility to protect yourself. You cannot rightfully take care of someone else at your own expense; if you do, you will end up harming yourself in the process.

It is your job, your right, your responsibility to take care of YOU and to make sure that the people in your life are respectful to you. If a person refuses to respect your boundaries and continues poor treatment and you continue to allow it without taking up for yourself or leaving, then things can only get worse. Your self esteem dies a little more each time you make other people's needs more important than your own.

In a perfect world everyone is out for everyone else. Everyone has empathy. Everyone is selfless and not out for themselves. In a perfect world, it would be okay to put others ahead of yourself. But this is not a perfect world! We live in a world where there are a lot of disordered people who want to manipulate you, deceive you, control you and gain the upper-hand in relationship with you. This is why it's crucial that you take care of yourself. This is why you must defend your identity by defending your right to be treated with respect at all times.

If you feel guilty for taking care of yourself whenever someone has a good excuse for mistreating you, then that is misplaced guilt. That means you are out-of-your own business. That means you are care taking another grown adult and colluding with that person to treat yourself disrespectfully. Why not feel guilty for allowing YOURSELF to be mistreated? Why not feel guilty for not setting boundaries and for sticking around someone who annihilates your sense-of-self?

Look at the behavior without clouding the situation with the reasons why another person is doing what their doing. You are not responsible for other people. You are only responsible for you. Take a stand for yourself and require that other people treat you with respect, or else. You can't give yourself away any more. It hurts too much.

Boundaries: Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
4. Blaming self.
5. Addiction of any kind.
6. Impulsive behaviors.
7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
8. Not practicing good enough self care.
9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
10. Not speaking your truth.
11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
13. Over scheduling yourself.
14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
17. Trying to win approval of others.
18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
22. Loving others too much.
23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
26. Not taking care of your health.
27. Working too much, too hard.
28. Longing for another person
29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
33. Gossiping about others.
34. Stuffing your emotions.
35. Being overly critical of yourself.
36. Being overly critical of others.
37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
38. Living life vicariously through your children.
39. Striving.
40. Perfectionism.
41. Needing too much attention from others.
42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
44. Allowing someone else to define you.
45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
48. Trying to fix another person.
49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
50. Not accepting yourself.
51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
52. Judging yourself or others.
53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
54. Beating yourself up.
55. Negative self talk.
56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
57. Withdrawing from social contact.
58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
60. Ignoring your own needs.
61. Invalidating yourself.
62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
63. Living in denial.
64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
69. Blaming others.
70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
71. Being a Doormat
72. Masking your emotions.
73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
74. Not protecting yourself.
75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
78. Not learning from mistakes.
79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
80. Pushing yourself too hard.
81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
82. Operate as “less-than” others.
83. Partaking in psychological games.
84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
88. Fearing abandonment.
89. Fearing rejection.
90. Putting yourself down.
91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
95. Failing to take action.
96. Making excuses.
97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
98. Hating your imperfections.
99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
101. Needing another person.
102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
103. Trying to help too much.
104. Giving too much.
105. Being negative about your life.
106. Staying stuck where you are.
107. Isolating yourself.
108. Hurting other people.
109. Exploiting other people.
110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
111. Treating yourself like crap.
112. Criticizing yourself.
113. Judging yourself harshly.
114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)

Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.

How to Identify People Pleasing Behavior

Are you a people pleaser? People pleasing is a symptom of low self esteem. It occurs when you think other people are more important than you. People pleasing stems from a need to prove yourself to others, or to make up for some perceived inadequacy you believe you have.

A people pleaser has an unconscious notion that he or she has to work overtime, or over compensate for some flaw inside. Feeling inadequate, insecure and unworthy can lead you to bending over backwards to make others happy. A people pleaser is a doormat who doesn't consider her own well being while going the extra mile for others. People Pleasers allow others to take advantage of them, and to disrespect them in numerous ways.

Ways to Be a People Pleaser

• You hang out with people you don't like just to have someone to hang out with.
• You go to church just to please your parents. 
• You play a sport you dislike just to be around cute guys (or girls).
• You buy someone lunch regularly without expecting them to buy yours sometimes.
• You fly across the US to go see them without them offering to come see you too.
• You talk to them on the phone when you'd rather be doing something else. 
• You go with them some place that you would rather not go.
• You overlook your responsibilities to make sure they are comfortable.
• You neglect your family to take care of the last minute whims of your boss. 
• You never make posts on Facebook that reflect your truth but that others may not agree.
• You continually call another person without getting reciprocation. 
• You allow another person to hurt you without letting them know and asking them to stop.
• You do things that are contrary to your values in order to make the other person like you. 

People who try to make everyone but themselves happy end up resentful, bitter and victimized. They are doing the work that belongs to other people, all the while cheating themselves of the energy they need to please themselves. 

It's one thing to be nice to others, to be generous and giving, but another to give everything you have away, be it time, money, resources, energy. Some may think that in order to be a "nice person," you have to make everyone happy. Others mistakenly believe they are bad when they can't make everyone happy, and this leads to guilt. You can never make everyone happy, so people pleasers tend to feel guilty most of the time.

Ask Yourself Why?

If you feel you are a people pleaser, you may need to take a step back and ask yourself why. What makes you feel you need to do so much for other people to make them happy? Why are you sacrificing your peace and happiness to give to other people in your life? Do you think that's your payment for being on planet earth? Do you not feel that you are worthy of just being who you are, expressing how you feel and taking care of yourself first? Do you think you're being noble? religious? Mother Teresa? Why are you so concerned that other people are happy without considering your own needs?

Next, you have to figure out how. How are you behaving in ways that are people pleasing? Here's a few questions to ask yourself when you're wondering if what you're doing is to please others or to please yourself.

1. Why am I doing this right now?
2. How do I feel about what this person is saying to me?
3. What am I trying to gain by doing what I'm doing right now?
4. What am I telling myself about why I'm doing what I'm doing?
5. What am I trying to get the other person to do by pleasing them?
6. What do I expect will happen if I succeed at pleasing this person?
7. What am I afraid will happen if this person is not pleased with me?
8. If the other person is pleased, how will I benefit?
9. Could I get what I want on my own without pleasing this person?
10. Am I in touch with my needs and wants enough to know that I'm sacrificing myself?
11. Is this person interested in reciprocal pleasing?
12. Do I resent what I'm doing to make this person happy while denying my own truth?
13. Am I compromising my values in order to be accepted and liked by this person?
14. Do I have the ability to say no and mean it?
15. What will happen if this person is unhappy with me? 

People pleasing is a form of manipulation. It's the process of trying to manage your image in the eyes of another person. Unfortunately, this indirect communication is sending the message that you feel unworthy of them and it causes them to disrespect you. It's impossible to respect a doormat.

You can't control what other people think of you, so give up. It's a lost cause. You will never win. Some people will always think you're crap and other people will love you. It's much easier to kick those who don't like you to the curb, and to hug those who love and respect you for who you are, without the fancy footwork.

People Pleasing Stems from Fear 

I think a big reason why people try so hard to make others happy at the expense of their own needs, wants, values and preferences is because of fear. People pleasers fear stuff like...

- Fear you're not good enough to assert yourself.
- Fear you'll be abandoned if you don't make the other person happy.
- Fear you might have to face the void in your own heart if you aren't accommodating to another.
- Fear you won't be liked and accepted.  (We all want and need that.)

The fact is that you are good enough to be who you are and to be loved at the same time. There is no need to pile on a bunch of extra stuff. Being nice is one thing, but over-giving is detrimental to your well being. You need the stuff that you give away in the people pleasing relational transaction.You need to keep some of you for you in order to have a fulfilling life. Trying to get other people to like you is not the path to peace, but rather, the path to pain. No one can give you the approval you need anyway; only you can give it to yourself.

Empower yourself! Think about what YOU want and what YOU need. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is not selfish to speak up for yourself. It is not selfish to say no to others. It is not selfish at all. You lose yourself when you try to make the whole world while ignoring your preferences, your values and your truth.