The Narcissist Wants You to Feel Worthless, Less Than, Inferior

Help! I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough

The reason you feel like you're not good enough is because you were conditioned to feel that way in childhood and you have continued to wear that false identity to this day. Someone who raised you needed you not to feel good enough because it made him/her/them feel a sense of self esteem. The path to healing is to detach yourself from your identification with this original negative programming. You have to externalize the reason why you feel that way, and internalize the truth by being there for your inner child. You are good enough, but only you can realize that. No one can tell you. You have to realize it for yourself as you realize the truth about the intentions of the people who raised you--whether intentional or not.

Sometimes it's safer to feel less than than it is to face the truth that the people who raised you were wrong. You are good enough. They were wrong, not you.

In fact, you're so damn good, you've been holding their projections all your life! You're not just good enough--you're more than good enough. You've been doing ALL THE WORK. Let it go! Become identified with your true self. The pain of not feeling good enough is the indication that your soul is believing a lie. You're punching yourself inside. Stop it. See that it's learned feelings. It's not the real you. It's not your truth. Your truth is that you're good enough. When you know that, the pain will stop. And you will soar.

Remember, You're the Prize

Feeding someone's ego can be a form of care taking. When someone baits you to make them feel like they're more valuable than you, or that you are less than them--and when you take the bait and react--this can be a form of care taking. It may feel like the easiest route, but quite covertly, submitting to the agreement that someone else is worth idealization, awe or unmerited favor actually drains your sense of self. Propping someone up can be a form of handing over your dignity.

Examples of feeding the ego of another person include:

ALLOWING ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR TO REPEATEDLY AFFECT YOU IN A NEGATIVE WAY EMOTIONALLY.

PRETENDING LIKE IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE TREATS YOU POORLY, DISRESPECTS YOU, EXPLOITS YOU.

GIVING SOMEONE ATTENTION, TIME, AFFECTION WHO HAS DISRESPECTED YOU IN THE PAST AND NOT MADE AMENDS OR APOLOGIZED.

It doesn't seem like care taking, but codependency takes myriad forms. You are over-empathizing, over care taking for another person when that person baits you to react and you react in a way that makes them feel important. Screw them. Train yourself to detach and let go from that drama trauma bond. Remember who you are. Soothe your own need for validation. No one outside of you can do what only you can do for yourself--so do yourself a favor and RESPECT YOURSELF enough to take care of you.

This is common in codependent / narcissist relationships. Where the narcissist is the prize and the codependent plays the role of a piece of trash. Watch for it in your engagements if you are recovering from this mess.

Nobody is worthy of you experiencing repeated negative emotion.

Nobody is worthy of you bowing down and submitting your needs.

Nobody deserves your beautiful presence if they are rude to you.

You deserve to be treated with respect at all times with every one you encounter. If you're treated badly or your boundaries are violated, then you must set boundaries internally and externally. Remind yourself of who you are, remind the other of who you are, and be prepared to walk away from any one at any time who fails to respect your rights, your needs, your feelings.

You don't have to fall into the same routine and move to the same dance you've always danced. You can step out of the sequence and choose self-respecting actions, behaviors, thoughts and eventually feelings.

Don't do the heavy-lifting of someone else's ego. You have your own self to uphold.

****** side note *******

CARE TAKING may also have something to do with the "fawn" response. That is, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response from CPTSD / attachment trauma that Pete Walker speaks about in his fabulous writings. That automatic care taking, fawning behavior that is triggered in light of abandonment fears, that overriding of the cerebral cortex--fawning as a survival reflex. I've read this article over and over and over and over....

The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker

Shaming Should Statements

Shaming Should Statements:

• I should have gotten up and left.
• I should have said something to her.
• I should make more money.
• I should keep my car cleaner.
• I should organize my make-up.
• I should have stood up for myself.
• I should have set a boundary.

Better ways of self-talk...

- Next time I may get-up-and-leave if I feel disrespected. This time I didn't, but that's okay because I had the chance to sit in the sun for a little while longer.

- I didn't say anything to her, even though I felt uncomfortable. That's okay. I'm not perfect and I won't get it right every time. No big deal. I'm still taking good care of myself.

- My value is not found in the money I make. I am comfortable, and I choose not to stress out to make more.

- My car is dirty but it's okay; it is not a reflection on me, my worth or my value. I will clean it when I have time. Until then, I will not judge myself for it being dirty.

- My make-up is disorganized, however, I have a lot of it to maintain. I am not worried about being perfect. Maybe I'll organize my make-up when I have some downtime. Until then, I am perfectly fine with the way things are.

- I didn't stand up for myself like I would have preferred, but that's okay. I'm not going to feel badly about it. I am a work-in-progress. There is not one perfect person on the planet. I'm glad I noticed that I felt disrespected. Next time I may feel stronger and stand up to that person. If not, that's okay too. I accept myself right where I am.

- I am so glad that I recognize areas where I need to set a boundary! Yesterday is over so I can't go back and change what I did or didn't do. All I can do is be grateful for my ability to recognize my needs and defend myself to the best of my ability at any given moment. I give myself grace to be where I am right now, and that's okay.

My Journey from Child Abuse Recovery to Self Love (Jenna Video)

Core Wounds

Core wounds are wounds that occurred in childhood. These are wounds that happen when one is not tended to properly as a child through neglect, abuse or maltreatment. Parents can damage the core essence of their children without even knowing it. Some caretakers are deficit in their own needs and are unable to give to their child. In fact, the way our culture raises children leads to much core wounding among us all. Everyone has core wounds at some level--some have it worse than others.

The core wound is experienced as deep-level pain due to some unmet childhood development need.  This pain is triggered in current day situations when you encounter a similar situation or dynamic. It's the deep stuff that surfaces when you face difficult losses in life. It's the pain that is beneath the pain. The emotion that's fueling all emotions. It's the pain that drives one to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, shop or addictive relationships.

Core wounds include rejection, abandonment, betrayal, loss, injustice and the like. When our needs are not met as children, we experience the core wound and we experience toxic shame. We believe that because we were rejected or abandoned or that we lost a parent or a friend, that we are bad. We turn the external maltreatment internal and onto ourselves. The wound produces beliefs. These beliefs are what perpetuate the wound over and over and over until we die or the wound is healed.


People do anything to avoid their core wounds. Core wounds are the lie that says:

"You're not good enough."
"You're incompetent."
"Nobody loves you."
"You are worthless."

These voices in both your subconscious and conscious mind repeat over and over in myriad ways throughout your life unless they are healed. You will find yourself getting into scenarios again and again that prove your false beliefs to be true. Your core wounds are the fuel for false beliefs.

Healing the core wounds takes a lot of devastating work; much personal destruction and rebuilding. It is a painful process, but in the healing you find pieces of yourself you didn't know you needed. In the center of the core wound you find the parts of yourself that you needed in order to discontinue the wounding. These parts of you are frozen, blocked in a centrifuge of pain, shame, anger, rage, humiliation, rejection and self-hatred. This wound perpetuates itself like a cancer through your body, heart, soul and mind. This wound effects your perceptions, feelings, behaviors and life. The thing you need to protect you against this core wounding is located at the very center of the pain. The key to setting you free is found at the center of the wound. If you want healing, you have to go into the eye of the storm.

You Have Permission

Growing up the way I did, with a step-father who was a huge disciplinarian to the point of being abusive, I learned somehow that my lot in life was to be sad, bad and undeserving. I was conditioned to believe that I couldn't have fun, couldn't enjoy my life, couldn't embrace the totality of my vitality. He forced me to deny my pleasure, deny my wants, needs and anything that made me individual.

As an adult who is healing, I see that in many ways I've carried this abusive, punishing parental figure with me in my heart. This voice I cannot hear, but that underlies my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. This voice tells me that it's not okay to be happy. It's not okay to be equal. It's not okay to enjoy life. It's not okay to be who I am. This critical voice tells me that it's not okay to shine. Not okay to experience my truth.

While soul searching I found the root of this voice, the one that tells me that I deserve to be punished, that I am unworthy and incapable of complete fulfillment. I discovered that beneath the lies that I was taught to believe about myself there is a core of pure love--the source of my existence. This pure love, this source, this truth of who I am was not thwarted by the false teachings. This truth of who I am was only silenced for a time, but it is still alive and well. This is my personal power. Now that I am aware, I can tap into this truth and experience it in some ways for the first time.

The truth is that I AM WORTHY. I am pure love. I am valuable. I am capable. I am competent. I am equal to the rest of humanity. I am able to experience pure joy and pure bliss. I am able to tap into this truth of who I am and allow every part of me to live fully and experience this truth that is me.

I have permission from my truth, this source of my existence to be who I am. All I need to do is realize it. The punishing father taught me to deny my truth, to deny my right to completeness. Though I was taught to deny my essence, today I have the power and authority to override the negative voices and give myself permission to be who I am. Today I give myself permission to be happy, to live fully and to be equal. You can too.

Falling Deeply in Love with Yourself

I was taught that to love was to scoop yourself out, to give everything you have; to keep nothing for yourself. I didn't feel I deserved to keep my own love, my own respect, my own affection, my own admiration. I was taught that love is to give ALL OF YOU. Anything short of everything was nothing. I had nothing to offer, I had to give everything in order to pay the ransom for my existence.

When I met a man that I "loved," I would love whole-heartedly, with full abandon. Every waking moment was filled with thoughts of my beloved. This is different from the infactuation of a healthy person. No, granted, that's how it is labeled, but when you're a child of dysfunction, this stage is much more than limerance, though limerence is involved. This stage is total and complete giving over of self, esteem, worth, value--in essence, power. Your empty shell attaches to the fantasized version of another.

My boundaries would become nonexistent. The man's preferences would become my preferences, I would begin to mold myself around the man as if I were him, as if he were the center of me. If the man still stuck around after this level of my attachment, then, I would change as he preferred. If the man stayed an arms length away, which is what I always seemed to choose (must have preferred it that way...), then I would be in love-totally devoted beyond words--to a fantasy, a phantom person.

I gave myself up for free. I gave full, unabashed devotion, wishes, dreams, fantasies. I would then stay hung on this person for years, despite abusiveness. Nothing could stop me from longing, after all, without my love object, I was nothing. Without my love object, death was more welcoming because I did not exist.

No one is worth all this. No one in the world is worth this sort of devotion. No one. It is not until we wake up and realize what parts of ourselves we're giving away that we can begin to hold onto ourselves in relationship. At first, holding onto myself seemed like no fun. Holding onto myself seemed bland in comparison with the euphoria I felt when in fantasy-mode. The thought of holding onto myself, at first, felt like eating cardboard. No nourishment, no purpose, very depressing.

That's when I realized that the reason that holding onto myself was so bland is because I thought I had nothing to offer myself. Nothing. I didn't want to offer myself anything either. I found offering my love to myself was depressing, boring, senseless. Everything good and worthwhile was "out there." Just being present with myself took lots of practice.

Staying mindful of my feelings, emotions, sensations, thoughts, needs, wants, desires and preferences started opening the door to reconciliation with myself. I learned that I am a person inside. I have things going on inside my heart that needs tending to, screaming for none other's attention than my own. That I am not supposed to be looking outside myself for something to fill me up when all I've been doing is giving me away. 

In order to get this far, I had to learn a lot about psychology, and the way the ego works to protect the mind from emotional pain via cognitive defenses. I had to learn to look at scenarios in my life with my Wise Mind, the one that sees above my own defenses. I had to cultivate this aspect of my being, my very own inner-therapist to call me out on my own shit.

Tuning Into Your Emotional Originality

Another thing I had to do that was important for me to realize all this self-love stuff is to understand that the manifestations in my life were manifestations of what was inside of me. I had to stop living in the limited space of my limited consciousness, and start rising above to view my present emotional reality in terms of the original wounding. I had to understand that my longing for love, for the fulfillment of this fantasy-bond was wrought in childhood and had little to nothing to do with today. I had to learn to operate from the authentic place of originality. Anything less is a waste of time and energy, spinning your wheels, getting nowhere fast.

But when you understand how the emotional mind works, you understand that you are merely repeating patterns, like a software bug, or a record (remember record players) that has a scratch that keeps repeating the same verse over and over until you shut it off. That's how we are in our emotional lives, this especially extends to relationships. If, when you are growing up as a child, in development, and you do not get one of the developmental milestones accomplished, you will begin to repeat that milestone over and over until you get it right.

If you are experiencing a repetitive cycle of emotional turmoil and impossible relationship situations that are almost exactly the same, except with a different man or woman, then you can bet that there is a developmental milestone your psyche is trying to complete. Until you complete that milestone, you will be compelled to put yourself in situations that mirror the milestone you missed. (You know, the one that failed.)

Only you can help yourself now. The brain has been shown to be "plastic," that is, you can still learn until death. Brains can change. You can get your developmental needs met as an adult, in fact, the only person who can give you what you need is YOU.

There is a person on this earth who is better at meeting your needs than your mother and/or father. There is a person on this earth whose love you need more than anyone on the planet, even more than God.
There is a person on this earth who holds the power to heal your heart, mind and soul.

That person is YOU.


You hold the magic, the wisdom and the beauty of 100 lovers. There is not a love on earth that could surpass the magnificence of you. If you would take a moment to journey to this center, to this heart of you, through the pain, down the abyss, at the very bottom of it all, there you find the most magnificent glory, that which you've been missing all your life. That glory is you. You are pure love. A delight to behold. Precious.

No matter what happened to you, there is a part of you that still exists and is strong. It is a part of you that cannot be destroyed. It is a part of you that must be searched for and found in order for you to see it, but it is also a part of you that holds all your answers. It is a part of you that is deeper and more wise than all your present circumstances, than all your past mistakes. It is a love that surpasses anything you've ever known. Inside of your own heart there is reason to love. There is something left inside of you worthy of falling in love with that can never be given away.

It's yours, but you must journey to find it. The journey is long, hard, but well worth the trip. Once you find yourself and love yourself, nothing else will matter. Suddenly your boundaries will come into place, you won't allow yourself to be treated badly. You won't run after people who abuse you. You won't try to love others by fixing them.You won't hurt so badly anymore.

This treasure resides at the end of your rope. All the lies and false beliefs that are holding you together must come undone. You must fall into the abyss. Stop hanging onto the sides and hating yourself for feeling anxious about feeling bad for feeling worthless. Don't dip your toe in. Don't wait another day. Just let go!

You've got to fall, fall, fall, fall, feeling all the hurt, pain, shame and anguish all along the way. Picture two mountains in your heart--maybe the Grand Canyon. You've got to fall down it. You've got to feel the fear of falling, the terror of your impending death, you've got to endure it without running to give yourself away. Let the experience teach you.

On the way down you will learn so much!

You will learn in the falling that you never really die.
You will learn in the falling that you can endure the pain.
You will learn in the falling that which you fear.
You will learn in the falling that you can take care of yourself.
You will learn in the falling the feelings which you have repressed.
You will learn in the falling the ways you have abandoned your own heart.
You will learn in the falling how amazing you are.
You will learn in the falling that there is a bottom.

Yes, there is a bottom. There is a bottom! There is a bottom and that bottom is YOU. That bottom is you. When all your falling is done. When you reach the valley of the Grand Canyon in your heart, you will see that the cold hard ground that you land on is YOU. You are there at the bottom, you are the ground that supports yourself. You are there, but you've got to fall to realize it.

Then you've got to learn to live with you there. At first, you will be bored, like I mentioned earlier. You will feel like the world out there is steak and lobster, while all your left with is Ritz Crackers. You won't have any flavor. You'll be bland, but by golly, YOU GOT YOU. And that's a plus.

From here you must discover yourself, enrich yourself, strengthen yourself, give yourself the energy you used to give away. You used to infuse others with the fantasy of what you needed. Today, you must find out--here at the bottom--what you need and figure out how to get it on your own, without outside assistance.

I know, whah whah whah, we all want to stay stuck in our pain. We don't want to fall. We don't want to get to the bottom and have to figure out all by ourselves what it is about ourselves that makes us wonderful, and how to see ourselves as more wonderful without all that outside sauce and accutriments of addiction, dependency and mental illness.

What are you afraid of if you fall? What are you afraid of if you get in touch with that child you once were, lying in bed, fearing death of no connection? What are you afraid of if you admit your helplessness, experience your hopelessness, pass through layers of shame, releasing your tenacles to the world, are you afraid you might be stuck with just you? Why is that so scary? What are you getting from clinging to the sides? When you are ready to heal, let go and fall.

Some of Them Want to Use You

Allowing yourself to be exploited is a tragedy. It hurts you in more ways than you realize. It damages your heart, kills your self esteem and sucks away precious energy that could be better used moving you forward. You are not an object, though being used makes you feel like one. If you've ever felt like people take advantage of you, then read this article. I think it may help you stop the destructive relationship patterns and choices that leave you feeling devalued.

When I say "exploited," I'm talking about allowing yourself to be treated in a manner that is undignified in any way by any person, group or entity. Undignified treatment is that which strips you of your dignity, devalues you, disrespects your feelings, your time, your resources or worse.

You know the song, "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics?

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.

If you were subjected to devaluing treatment growing up, then you were likely made vulnerable to abusers by being starved for emotional connection at home. 

Exploitation has parts

1. Lack of Self
2. Lack of Awareness
3. Lack of Validation
4. Lack of Assertion
5. Lack of Ability

These 5 Lacks

Exploitation occurs in the area of lack of the one being exploited. 

1. Lack of Self
Without a strong sense of self, it is difficult to know how you feel. If you don't know how you feel, your wires are crossed. You may feel upset about poor treatment, but not be able to express your feelings moderately. You may project your feelings, repress, deny or ignore what's really going on, all the while walking as a lamb to slaughter into the hands of a wolf in sheep's clothing.

2. Lack of Awareness 
You are unaware of the warning signs of abuse or mistreatment. Maybe devaluation is comfortable for you. Maybe you were devalued as a child. Maybe you continue to devalue yourself today with the help of your inner critic? Whatever the reason, when someone abuses you, you may not notice it as abuse, setting yourself up for further abuse. 

3. Lack of Validation
If you were not validated properly as a child, then you are probably not validating yourself properly now. Validation is very important, although many families are wholly invalidating. An atmosphere of invalidation of ones feelings and reality leads to a sense of worthlessness.

4. Lack of Assertion
If you were not validated and taught your value as a child, then you will not have the ability to stand up for yourself as an adult. You may not know your rights as a person and you may not even know how you feel. In order to prevent yourself from being used, you must set boundaries that are firm and certain. You must enforce consequences to those who do not respect your limitations.

5. Lack of Power
If you lack the ability to know how to get your needs met, you will end up being needy. A needy person is excellent prey for the exploitative person who wants to use you. The truth is that you don't have to be needy. You have the ability to get your needs met; you may just not realize that you do. If you feel you have needs that you cannot seem to get met on your own, go to a therapist and talk this out. Do whatever you have to do to come to terms with your own power.

You do not deserve to be used. You are a person who is valuable and worthy of respect. You deserve to be treated well. You are worthy of honor, and you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity and not allow yourself to be used and exploited for any reason. Take time to work on yourself. Take time to learn why it is that you're attracted to unscrupulous people (if you are), and get out of the cycle of abuse with mean people. You are beautiful--it's your time to shine.

Do You Need Approval from Others?

When you need approval from others you are operating with an AGENDA in your relationships. Your need for approval blocks the path to true intimacy. If you want to have fulfilling relationships, then you need to already have approval within yourself before interacting with others. Trying to get approval at every turn is arduous, exhausting and selfish. You may not be intentionally hogging the show, after all, you are respecting the person enough to want their approval, but your hard work to win approval sucks the life out of everyone around you.

The truth is, you don't need anyone's approval. You just need your own. For some reason, when you're trying to get the approval of others, you've placed too much importance on them. You've projected your own personal need for your own approval onto them. You've given their opinion of your worth more value than you're own opinion of your worth when you're aiming to get their approval. No one needs to approve of you, but you.

We all engage in approval seeking behaviors. The more we try to get the approval of others, the more cut off we are from others. The less we feel we need the approval of others, the more mature we are, and the more capable we are of having healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. If you stop trying to get approval from others, you have time to stop and take notice of them. You can empathize with them, learn more about them, engage with them more deeply. No need to try to get your unmet dependency needs met as you go. Take care of your own stuff on your own time. When you're relating with others, keep your personal self worth needs off the table.

Real Love vs. False Love

I've also previously written about false love verses real love. False love is conditioned upon you or the other person doing what you want them to be and doing what you want them to do. False love is not real love. Real love is unconditional. Real love respects individual feelings, thoughts and perceptions. False love is the attempt to impose ones reality onto another. A very common example of acting out of false love is when a child falls on the ground and the parent, instead of soothing the child's pain, instead smiles like it never happened.

The parent would likely consider his or her actions as helping the child to overcome obstacles quickly, when in fact, the act of ignoring the pain the child is going through is damaging to the soul. Validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts and perceptions instead of trying to make what someone else experiences what you want it to be. It's more comfortable for the parent if the child smiles instead of cries, thus he or she invalidates the child by denying the child the freedom of expressing his or her pain both physical and/or emotional.

Without realizing it, we love falsely when we don't accept people for who they are. When we try to get them to smile when they are sad, we could--not always, but often, we could be invalidating their reality. It's healthy to accept others as they are, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Pain is not always fun. Many times we want to avoid it and be joyous instead, but this is detrimental to your emotional health. Painful emotions never go away. Your e-motions are energy that will stay stuck in your emotional being and even your physical body until released. Learn more about the topic in my previous article: Healing Frozen Emotions.

Worthless for Whom?

If someone doesn't see your value and doesn't treat you right, 

then that person is worthless to YOU, not the other way around.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

By Melanie Tonia Evans

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

The eyes of every beholder can only REFLECT back how you behold yourself.

The exact conditions you believe are necessary to earn love, are the ones you will never succeed at.

Cellularly you are still holding onto the self-belief from your past, that you are not loveable and worthy simply because you exist.

Change that and everything changes...

Much Love xo

Melanie Tonia Evans 

The Healing Power of Grief

So often we don't want to deal with our emotions. Maybe we think it's weak, or perhaps we're busy with our lives so our heavy emotions are never processed, but rather, tucked away and hidden in the crevices of our hearts. We hope such anger, resentment, bitterness, pain and sorrow never shows up again. We place so much emphasis on always feeling good, that we hide, deny and repress negative feelings, much to our detriment. In order to experience freedom, joy and contentment in our lives, we must learn to face our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. Every part of our experience has something to teach us.

One emotion that is in ample supply when you are lacking self-love is grief. What is grief? Grief is the sorrow felt from the loss of love. If you are experiencing feelings of low worth or low self esteem, then you can bet that you have unresolved grief locked up in your heart. That's because somewhere along the way you needed unconditional love, but instead you were denied, rejected or cast away for whatever reason. Today you may be repeating that pattern within your own psyche, injuring yourself repeatedly with negative self-talk, some of which you may not even be conscious...

The reasons are not as important as understanding that any wounds you've ever experienced in your life must be healed or else you'll walk around reacting to it in your present day-to-day environment. Your old emotional wounds can be triggered from seemingly benign instances. You may overreact and then blame yourself for your own ineptitude. This is why it's important to face the pain in your heart that is blocking your vision of your true self--the only part of you that can give and receive true love to you and others. And stop blaming yourself while you're at it. Practice self compassion.

Back to grief. Grief is the by-product of the loss of love. When we love someone and we lose that person--this includes ourselves--grief is what remains. If we've had that grief our whole lives, we may not even know that the pain we feel is grief, and we may not know why we're grieving. People who suffer from depression are often bundles of unresolved grief, but they can't access it because they hate themselves too much to go inside and dig around.

Grieving has a distinct feeling in your heart. You need to learn yourself to the extent that you can tell when you're grieving, when your angry, sad, mad, happy, content. You must know yourself if you are to love yourself. See if you can learn what grieving feels like in your heart... be mindful. Think about how you feel inside when you are grieved, your muscle tightness, breathing patterns, thought patterns--you may find the feeling in interesting places... This may bring insight that helps you find pockets of grief that need releasing.

Grieving is the key to healing... very similar to tears. Tears are a chemical compound that actually wash your eyes, and flushes toxins out of your body. Likewise grief. Grief, that is, the emotional processing of loss, is cathartic and restorative. If you can discover that which needs to be resolved, and what losses from your childhood (or past) need to be processed, you can experience a monumental healing experience and awaken parts of you that you never knew existed.

You want to lean into the pain and face it rather than run away and hide. Only when you go through the pain can you learn what it has to teach and heal from life's hurts. If you want to grow and expand your awareness and experience fulness and freedom, then you will need to move beyond the pain. You must grieve your losses and face your shadows. Only when you're brave enough to delve into your pain will you be given the gift of insight and emotional maturity.

Unresolved grief is painful. This means you've never faced the loss and the pain never goes away. Unresolved grief stands in the way of your self-perception, blocking you from seeing and understanding what's really happening inside. Unresolved grief keeps you from loving yourself because it blocks you from yourself so you can't see the beauty that you are. This is why it's so important to dig deep and face whatever hurts us--beneath the pain of grief is the beauty that is you. Go ahead and release yourself to grieve... it's like a good cry for the injustice of life. Ahhhhhhh...

What is Your Value?

What is your value? How do you rate yourself in the scheme of things? How do you positioned YOURSELF in light of all the distractions and matters to which you must attend? Where are YOU in the equation? How do you fare? Are you at the bottom of your own mental list? Do you fluctuate depending on your mood? Are you knocked down when imperfections surface? Do you exist at all?

This is the question to ask.

There are schools of thought that would argue against self-ranking altogether, and I must admit, there is some merit in that. However, when it comes down to day-to-day living, there is a need to put priorities on everything. You, your needs, the needs of others, the needs of your family, society, the world. In determining which needs come first, you must somehow rank--despite what people say the negative aspects of ranking bring. At the end of the day, you only have so much life, so much time.

When it comes to you, what is your value?

Are you like a rock that can easily be passed by; is it easy to not notice you, or are you like a beautiful diamond that makes cars come to a screeching halt in order to gaze upon your beauty? I'm not asking from an external prospective. I'm not talking about your physicality. I'm talking about you, how you see you and how you treat you.

We are conditioned as children how to see ourselves. If our caretakers relished in our presence, honored our existence, made time for us, paid attention to us, showered us with love and affection, then we would have a healthy appreciation for ourselves today. This appreciation would be solid, not fluctuating, and would be sound. We would be able to forgive ourselves our weaknesses and shortcomings, knowing that love is not lost when we are human.

If, on the other hand, we were not appreciated, not loved, not cherished, not treasured in childhood, but, treated as a nuisance or burden, headache or mistake, then we will not have a very good opinion of our value as adults. How we are, how we feel about ourselves as adults, how we function in relationships, how we do what we do, all has roots in childhood. We were either loved and valued, or we were left wanting, needing and longing for validation.

In growing beyond the past into the light of our own self love, it is necessary to reparent ourselves; we must remind ourselves, tell ourselves that we are worthwhile, loved and appreciated. We must replace the negative messages going through our minds with positive, affirming, life-giving kindness that emanates from our own souls. We must get to a place where we can honestly meet our own needs and encourage the broken places inside our own hearts that never heard the truth. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Jenna Ryan 2013