Beware of Overly Nice People Who Try to Bust Your Boundaries

Boundaries and the True Self Blueprint™

Boundaries and the True Self Blueprint™




A boundary is the space between you and another person; like your property line.

The term over-used term "boundaries" is too limited for the intricate way I wish to convey the separateness, yet relatedness of the true self for purposes of healing self love and self worth.  

So, today I'm coining a new phrase to help define the self.

My new term is the True Self Blueprint. Those of you who know, I'm a real estate broker by profession, and in real estate, we use something called a "survey" to tangibly show on paper and legally to determine the location of a piece of property. In SelfLoveU, we shall use the term "True Self Blueprint" when talking about the distinction of your true and separate self relative to the rest of the world.

The True Self Blue Print has many attributes, including boundaries, easements (where people can get through), fences and structures. The most important thing to understand is that you own something--you have full 100% rights and use of YOU. You are responsible for yourself and to yourself. You are responsible for guarding yourself, tending to yourself and expanding your territory.

When you are born,you became an owner of YOU. When you were born, out of your mother's womb, you took a breath. That breath automatically gave you inherent worth. This inherent worth comes with it's own territory. You own this territory, and this is your True Self Blueprint. I'm using this term for the purpose of healing and recovering self worth and self love.

You own yourself. You have rights to yourself. Think of it this way: You are an energetic structure, and you have ownership rights to do with yourself what you need to do to be true to you.

Aspects of Your True Self

• Your thoughts, feelings
• Your goals and desires
• Your skills, talents and abilities
• Your goals, dreams and visions
• Your beliefs and opinions
• Your past experiences
• Your current experience
• Your Presence
• Your values
• Your empathy
• Your energy and time 
• Your inner healing 

The list could go on, but hopefully you're getting the point. You are separate. Yes, we are all one at the base level, but for purposes of self worth, self esteem and self love, it's vital that you understand this very tangible quality that you have, which is yourself. Using the idea of a blueprint is a helpful visualization of your existence, potentials and limitations. 

Your True Self Blueprint is Who You are

Your True Self is who you are, not who other people want you to be. Your True Self is who you are beneath all the trauma, abuse, false notions, misconceptions, mistakes and wrong turns. Your True Self is always True and can never be destroyed. So long as you have breath in you, you own your True Self. No one has the right to take it away, and only you can allow others to tell you how to execute your rights on your own property, which is you. 

As the owner of your life, it is your responsibility to tend to your property, which is you. Of course, you are not a literal object, but this is merely an analogy to help you understand that you exist, that you have worth, and that you are equal to any other property out there, because you exist, you have ownership and existence rights. 

What Exists on Your BluePrint?

- Walls, Boundaries, Property Borders, Fences, Gates

- Livestock, Crops

- Buildings, Barns, 

- Ponds, Wooded Areas, Pasture 

- Wells, Septic

- Streets, Roads

Your True Self Blueprint is YOU. And you get to enjoy all the rights inherent to ownership of yourself. You do not have to allow yourself to be run over by weeds. You do not have to allow foxes in to steal the eggs your hens lay. You do not have to let relatives squat in your guest house. Your property is your property and it is your personal responsibility to tend to the items represented by your True Self Blueprint. 

YOU HAVE RIGHTS!!! 

100 Boundaries for Toxic People

It's important to set boundaries for yourself against all people--especially toxic people. Boundaries draw the line between you and another person. Toxic people are difficult to be around because their desire is to take you over. Toxic people want to control you and destroy your "I am." They sadistically want to control you and exploit your weak sense of self. If you were programmed during childhood to please toxic people, then you need to re-program your mind to set boundaries to protect yourself now.

You need boundaries that are quick and to-the-point. Clear, one sentence boundaries without explaining yourself. You need to practice these phrases so they'll be readily available when you're ready to use it. Remember to be clear. Don't feel you are being rude. You're not being rude when you take up for yourself and reserve space for yourself in a relationship / conversation.

Unlike with healthy people, when you set a boundary with a toxic person, DO NOT SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. They are incapable of registering feelings and have no empathy. Telling them your feelings only gives them more ammo. They want you to feel badly, upset, hurt. Just state clearly, and automatically what you are thinking in order to get them to back-off.  These people are bullies. They only respond to one-liners. It will shock them if they're used to you being submissive and non-existent. These boundaries will give you the space you need in the interaction, and will also help to strengthen your own position internally.

Don't say "I'm sorry." These are not nice people; but rather, they are secretly plotting and conniving to take you down. Be assertive, not sorry. Don't explain. Speak with confidence and clarity. Practice over and over in advance. These quips -- one liners help strengthen your sense of self, and keep you level in the playing field of toxic people in your life.

100 Boundaries for Toxic People

1. Why are you belittling me? (Use this for covert abuse such as giving unwarranted advice).
2. Don't minimize my needs.
3. I don't need to hear that.
4. That doesn't work for me.
5. We can agree to disagree.
6. I didn't ask for advice. 
7. I hear that you don't like the red dress on me, however, it is the dress I choose.
8. Why are you gaslighting me?
9. Are you trying to triangulate me?
10. Why are you looking at me like you just farted? 
11. What business is it of yours?
12. Stop changing the subject.
13. Allow me to speak my turn.
14. It's my turn to share.
15. I don't need cliches.
16. Stop telling me how to be. 
17. No, I can't do it.
18. Your expectations of me are higher than I am able to give.
19. No, I don't see it that way.
20. That's not the way I see it. 
21. I disagree on that point.
22. That has nothing to do with me.
23. That's your opinion, not mine. 
24. That is not a priority for me. (When they're trying to hijack your agenda)
25. Are you bragging or sharing good news with me? 
26. Why are you bragging so much?
27. That sounds like a lie.
28. Why are you telling me this? (When they're bragging non-stop)
29. I don't talk about that. (Private issue of your own they try to bring up)
30. Stop interrogating me.
31. What's with all the questions?
32. I don't share that.
33. I don't want to talk about it.
34. Stop bringing that issue up.
35. Stop bossing me around.
36. Stop talking about yourself and listen to me.
37. No, I won't do it.
38. Let's go if you can't act right.
39. Are you implying that I'm ____? (When they're using covert manipulation)
40. I am done with this conversation.
41. I have a right to ____. (speak, share, be heard, be understood, etc... Don't explain it though)
42. That's incorrect. 
43. That's not true.
44. We are two different people, each with our own ideas.
45. Stop controlling the conversation.
46. Don't talk behind my back in front of my face.
47. Was that a back-handed compliment?
48. You've got it wrong. 
49. I know what's best for me.
50. That is your opinion, not mine.
51. I am competent enough to decide for myself what to do, buy, wear, say.
52. Why are you baiting me to prove myself? 
53. Why are you comparing yourself to me?
54. If you don't like it, don't listen. (When Hitler tries to control conversation with another)
55. How does that effect you?
56. Why does that matter to you?
57. That is my preference.
58. This is my story, let me finish. 
59. I have a right to share what is on my mind.
60. Stop. I don't play that game.
61. Stop. I don't like that.
62. Keep your opinions to yourself. 
63. Don't cross that line.
64. No. I won't discuss this with you.
65. I did not ask for advice.
66. Your opinion of the situation doesn't match mine.
67. That doesn't work for me. 
68. I don't work that way. 
69. You're expecting more than I can give.
70. Stop changing the subject back to yourself.
71. That was a rude comment. (Backhanded compliment)
72. We are two different people.
73. No, I don't want a hug, kiss, date, sexual advance. 
74. No, I don't hug strangers. 
75. I don't discuss that with strangers. 
76. That's lewd. 
77. I have my own ideas about what happened. 
78. Why are you telling me all these personal details when we just met? 
79. Does this story have an ending?
80. I don't need to prove myself to you.
81. I don't care about that. 
82. That doesn't matter to me.
83. That has nothing to do with me.
84. That's your issue, not mine.  
85. Are you trying to hijack my agenda?
86. Stop trying to hijack my agenda.
87. Stop trying to control me.
88. No. You cannot do that to me.
89. No. That's more than I will allow. 
90. No. I won't play that role. 
91. Stop repeating the same stories over and over. 
92. I get it. You're ___. Please just move on. (tall, rich, handsome, beautiful, lovely, talented)
93. I disagree.
94. Why did you promise me __ and end up doing just ___?
95. Are you love bombing me?
96. I will no longer fawn over you.
97. No can do. You're 30 minutes late!
98. Stop minimizing what I say.
99. Stop interrupting me.
100. Are you trying to create an illusion / mirage?

Setting Boundaries for Neglectful Behaviors

Sometimes it is necessary to set boundaries for the things a person does NOT do. Boundaries aren't always just for people who do bad things to you, you may also need to set limits for the things that people do not do that they should be doing. Here are a few examples:

• Silent treatment
• Ignoring you
• Withdrawing
• Dismissing
• Devaluing 
• Discounting
• Disconnection
• Minimizing your issues/requests
• Not being there for you in important times.
• Not affirming you when you need and request it.
• Not working out issues that are bothering you.
• Not giving you credit where credit is due.
• Failing to give direction when in a position to do so.
• Withholding information.
• Not taking your side repeatedly.
• Not encouraging you in your passions.
• Not trying to understand your point of view.
• Not going out of their way to be there for you.

This is a different type of boundary. When someone is not doing the things you need them to do. When they're not returning the love and respect that you're giving them, but instead, allowing you to do all of the giving, and leaving big gaps in the relationship. You are being normal, naive, open and empathetic. They are taking what you're giving and running away with it, not returning in like kind.

Unfortunately, I have found that people who do these things above are toxic people who are envious, who wish to manipulate and control you. They could also be codependent people who are so wrapped up in their other codependent relationships, that your needs are unimportant to them.

The important thing to realize is that YOUR NEEDS MATTER.

• You deserve to be responded to.
• You deserve to be understood.
• You deserve to be heard.
• You deserve to be given credit.
• You deserve to have a friend/family member on your side.
• You deserve to have people who are there for you.
• You deserve to have people who go out of their way for you.

You deserve to have your needs met by the people in your life with whom you are in relationship. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt that a friend is never there for you when you need him or her. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is something unequal in the relationship--and it's up to you to set a boundary against it. You've got to set boundaries against people who are harming you by neglectful behaviors.

This could happen during the abuse cycle of sweet/mean or the devaluation discard phase of love bombing. No matter who it is, it is your responsibility to yourself to take care of YOU. 

These people only do things on their terms. They will only meet your needs on a very slim level, at their convenience--only if it involves meeting their needs as well. Anything that falls out of bounds of their ease in meeting your needs will have to be taken care of elsewhere, outside the relationship. Meanwhile, you're behaving normally, giving real empathy down the drain. Basically you're keeping the whole relationship alive.

Consider your current relationships. Are you feeling a weird gap in how your being attended to? Do you feel hurt by the disconnection? Are you frustrated when they don't call you for weeks, then pop up wanting to connect without addressing all that has gone on in your life? Are you going overboard keeping a relationship alive that has an essence of neglect?

This article could be an entire book! I have so much to say on the topic. The important thing is that you set boundaries. This can be difficult, because if you're used to be neglected, you may not even realize it is happening. You will have to get super-in-touch with your gut feelings, your intuition to even know there is an issue. Your feelings tell you when a boundary needs to be set.

A boundary can be speaking up for yourself. Saying, hey, I've noticed that you're not there for me when I need you. That's not working out for me. Can you try giving more to this relationship?

Or, I don't like it when you give me the silent treatment by not reaching out to me or returning my calls/texts. Please stop doing that because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't be around you if you're giving me the silent treatment.

The hard part is walking away from neglectful people. People who you thought loved you. When you set boundaries and walk away, you realize that the love was very one-sided. You were the one doing all the work, and settling for brokenness and disconnection and unfulfilled needs. That's when you discover that the neglectful person didn't really care enough about you to meet your needs... and that's when you have to ask yourself, have I really lost anything?

I think not. You gain self respect when you walk away from people who are unwilling to engage in an equal, respectful way towards you. Yes, it hurts to lose people in your life, but setting boundaries keeps you safe. It is beneficial and loving to yourself to stop giving, giving, giving and getting nothing (or crumbs) in return. You are a special being. You deserve equal treatment.

Use the energy that you used to use for feeling like a victim of this person's behaviors to empower yourself to find and open up to more reciprocal relationships. They are out there, you just have to stop putting up with neglect.

Much love. You can do it.

Dont Feel Guilty for Setting Boundaries

Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. Don't feel obligated to be nice to everyone. Be firm. Be assertive. Don't be a doormat. Don't react to people who are violating your boundaries. Just use the broken record technique. Don't let people come into your life and take over. Set boundaries and keep new people set back until they prove themselves; that they are worthy to be in your life. Don't worry about their feelings. You're not responsible for how other people feel.  

If someone feels bad because you have boundaries and limits, that is not your problem. Don't over empathize because that will destroy your identity.

BE IN AWE OF NO ONE. Don't idealize. Nobody is worth losing yourself. Even if they seem super-nice and seem to be willing to meet your needs. That doesn't give them the right to override your truth. People who are unwilling to respect your boundaries, or who feel entitled to special treatment will not hang around long. Self respect and boundaries repels toxic people.

Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries. Don't feel obligated to be nice to everyone. Be firm. Be assertive. Don't be a doormat. Don't react to people who are violating your boundaries. Just use the broken record technique.

Don't let people come into your life and take over. Set boundaries and keep new people set back until they prove themselves; that they are worthy to be in your life. Don't worry about their feelings. You're not responsible for how other people feel. You are a separate person who deserves to have rights and who deserves to be respected.

Make sure the people you let in are givers, not just takers. Make sure you have equal engagements with people who know how to respect you. This takes time to determine. A person unfolds over time. Watch for red flags. Don't just roll over and abandon yourself. Take your post! Guard your heart.

People who are unwilling to respect your boundaries, or who feel entitled to special treatment will not hang around long. Self respect and boundaries repels toxic people. 

Make sure the people you let in are givers, not just takers. Make sure you have equal engagements with people who know how to respect you. You matter. Don't let anyone walk over you like you don't exist. You can be kind, sweet, generous and wonderful to those people who deserve it. Don't give yourself away. Stand up for what's important to you. Protect the value that you have to offer.

You Earn Respect

You cannot tell someone you love, "you must start respecting me." Respect is earned by your actions. The way you allow others to treat you gauges how much they respect you, whether it be a friend, spouse, lover or family member. It's how you allow yourself to be treated that garners the respect of others. If you let others treat you in disrespectful ways, then they will disrespect you. That's how relationships work.

And it's okay to be respected. You have to HOLD the respect that you earn. You have to get used to being respected because it may feel weird at first.. It may feel weird in a variety of ways for the rest of your life as you grow stronger and stronger. It's a better feeling than being dissed.

***You can't be mad at yourself for not respecting yourself either. This is in itself disrespect to yourself. You have to honor wherever you are and be super-nice to yourself even when you're being disrespected. This is crucial. You can't carry the shame of the disrespectful person. You have to let their shame go. They are the ones who are treating you badly. Let them feel bad for themselves. It is not your fault they're being an asshole.***

You earn respect. Respect is earned. You go to work, then you EARN a paycheck. If you take care of yourself, set boundaries and walk away from bullshit, you will earn self respect and the respect of others. Earning respect is about refusing to give to anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You deserve the best. You deserve to be honored, cherished and valued.

If someone in your life is not honoring you, cherishing you and valuing you, and you continue to maintain the relationship as is, this could be because of a few reasons:

1. You feel worthless so you feel that you have to give an unequal amount to another person in order to be loved.

2. You are codependent, merged, stuck, addicted to another person because you do not know what is emotionally yours and what is not yours.

3. You don't have a sense of self and you don't realize they're being abusive or disrespectful towards you because you're not in touch with your intuition.

4. You don't have the relationship skills to set boundaries.

5. You are being totally controlled by a narcissistic family system.

6. You are afraid of being by yourself if you walk away from a chronically disrespectful person.

7. You take the blame for everything and internalize their disrespect, thinking you deserve it.

Well, you have to work on all these things if you want to gain the respect of yourself and those around you. As you require respect from those around you, you will begin to respect yourself more and more. You begin to earn your own power, perhaps for the first time. And you get stronger and stronger.

So the key is to get to the place where everyone in your life treats you with great respect. Where people make you feel welcome, are glad you are alive and who care about your feelings. Your job on this planet is to learn to be respected. You've got to earn the respect of those around you.

Ways to Earn Respect

- Refuse to engage with people who are rude to you.

- Make requests for things when appropriate.

- Make sure your voice is heard.

- Speak up when things are bugging you.

- Look people in the eye.

- Feel good about yourself.

- Set boundaries.

- Know what you want.

- Ask for what you want.

- Refuse to be controlled and manipulated.

- Stand your ground.

- Don't give in.

- Consider your own interests first.

These are just a few thoughts on respect. I'm really thinking about this and making adjustments in my life to reflect the utmost respect for myself. It's incredible.

20 Reasons Why Narcissists Don't Like People with Boundaries

1. People with boundaries are impossible to manipulate.
2. People with boundaries can spot a narcissist more easily who is trying to bust their boundaries.
3. Narcissists can only abuse people who think they are worthless and don't know their rights.
4. Narcissists are looking for easy prey; a person with boundaries is too much work.
5. Boundaries are the manifestation of your inner strength and self-work.
6. Narcissist parents groom their children not to have boundaries so they can exploit them.
7.  The narcissist's agenda is to overpower and control you, this is not possible if you have boundaries.
   
8. Boundaries keep you safe from the narcissist's plans to exploit you.
9. A person with boundaries cannot be exploited.
10. A person with boundaries trusts their own heart and will notice subtle manipulation tactics.
11. Boundaries show that a person doesn't have any weaknesses that the narcissist can use to push-your-buttons.
12. A person with boundaries shows the narcissist what is wrong with them; their issues become exposed.
13. A person with boundaries is frustrating to the narcissist.
14. A person with boundaries cannot be run over and controlled.
15. A person with boundaries does not give his or her power away.
16. A person with boundaries expects equal and fair treatment--the narcissist is not interested in equality.
17. Boundaries shield you from the narcissist's plans to hurt you and destroy you.
18. Boundaries show that you have enough self esteem to walk away if the narcissist continues to disrespect you.
19. Narcissists want someone who will willingly accept their abuse without protecting themselves.
20. A person with boundaries understands who they are and what their rights are--that means they're not willing to bow down and accept whatever the narcissist plans for his or her life.

Boundaries are Your Sword & Shield

A person who trusts their intuition and knows their rights and has boundaries to protect their values is immune to long-term abuse by the narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, borderlines, energy vampire or other disordered person, that I refer to as a Zombie.

The Narcissist cannot tolerate boundaries because they cannot stand FUNCTIONAL behavior. Functional behavior, that is, the give-and-take of real feelings, emotions and expression among 2 or more people is the antithesis of toxic behavior. Narcissists need things to be dysfunctional and chaotic because this is the way they gain and maintain power and control. Your internal and external boundaries are your weapon and protection against these body snatchers.

Love is to the Narc like Holy Water is to the Vampire. Narcs cannot express feelings because love is vulnerability, and to the Zombie, this is a weakness. Since the narc wishes to control and destroy, you will see them avoiding true love at all costs.

Knowledge IS POWER. Knowing your rights will keep you safe. Knowing what you want, what you need and what you deserve--and being able to stand up for your rights and maintain your boundaries is your weapon against abuse from those who want to take you down.

Love Yourself Enough

I'm going to start a series called "Love Yourself Enough." I'm going to write a bunch of graphics that remind us to love ourselves enough. XO

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to let people unfold before you let them in. 

~ Jenna SelfLoveU 

Love yourself enough to detach from other people's problems.
~ Jenna SelfLoveU

Types of Energy Vampires - SelfLoveU Talk

Boundaries: Love Yourself Enough to Walk Away

25 Reasons You Let People Treat You Like Shit

The Codependent's Dilemma with Boundary Violations and Disrespect

This article is for anyone who has trouble maintaining equal relationships.  I wrote most of it while I was in line at Starbucks this morning. Hahaha! Eureka, all these realizations started coming: boom, boom, boom. Below you will find 25 reasons why and how you abandon, blame, and disrespect yourself in your close relationships. Please leave a comment and let me know that I am not alone in these self-destructive, twisted thoughts and behavior.  

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This article pokes fun, but Codependency is a serious issue rooted in childhood conditioning that causes you to deny yourself and give your power away. The list of 25 Reasons Why You Let People Treat You Like Shit below shows you exactly how you're unconsciously screwing yourself and allowing yourself to be screwed.

Codependency is a learned pattern of relating that leads to broken relationships and pain. You don't know where you begin and other people end. You violate your own boundaries and the boundaries of others by trying to control their perception and treatment of you. The list below will show you specifically how you may be doing this with friends, family, lovers, children or spouses.

A codependent person tends to merge with others in relationship and fails to maintain ego strength with healthy boundaries and self protective measures. It's nice to know this, but realizing exactly how this occurs in action is a different matter.

A codependent gives too much in relationships and is easy prey (and feels most comfortable) with people who are narcissistic and exploitative. In short, whether we realize it or not, we WANT to be treated like shit, and it's up to us to flush the toilet. We are NOT victims. We're in control of what happens to us. Whatever is on the inside of us manifest on the outside. If we get treated like shit, that means we're doing it to ourselves first. We must go inside and heal our core wounds by releasing the frozen emotions and uprooting the negative core beliefs and uncovering our true, authentic selves.

Recovery from codependency is hard; it requires extensive examination and reclamation of your personal worth and value. If you want to recover your sense of self and operate in a way that garners respect, you must learn to respect yourself. You must stop putting other people ahead of yourself and start seeing yourself as equal. Codependency is a relationship issue that must be healed on every level from the inside out. It may seem like a lost cause, but take it from me--there is hope for healing if you do the work necessary. Don't ever give up.

One issue for the codependent is that he or she is often abused, disrespected, violated and treated like a doormat in personal relationships.The codependent was not taught as a child to value and to protect oneself or to recognize when he or she is being harmed relationally. We protect others from the ramifications of violating our boundaries and disrespecting us. This is a major problem as it invites abuse, mistreatment and disregard from others. The question is, WHY and HOW do we do this?

1. I feel uncomfortable for YOU when you violate my boundaries. My loyalties are maligned due to the conditioning of my childhood. Instead of advocating for myself in my close present day relationships, I advocate for the other person. I minimize my needs in favor of the other. I love too much and it feels like poop.

2. I don't realize when I'm being subtly and sometimes blatantly disrespected. Again, due to conditioning, I do not notice initially when I'm being disrespected. I was not valued as a child, so it feels normal to me, that is, until it gets out-of-hand; which it always does when I fail to set boundaries.

3. I give too much benefit of the doubt. When my boundaries are violated or someone disrespects me, I automatically assume they aren't aware of what they're doing. I immediately forgive them without protecting myself first. Instead of standing up for myself, I attempt to convince them that what they are doing is wrong. This is back-ass-wards. Why do I keep teaching them how to wipe?

4. I overvalue the relationship at the expense of my dignity. I need and want relationships in my life which is a healthy desire. I don't want to be alone, therefore, I place more value on keeping the connection than I do on protecting myself from being trampled or bull-dozed by abusive or controlling behavior. Technically, this cognitive distortion is caused by Betrayal Blindness that I acquired from childhood trauma.

5. I try to prove myself worthy when disrespected, rather than asserting a boundary. I try to get the other to cooperate instead of standing up. I remind you what a good friend, lover, family member I am. I bring up the ways I care for you and expect the same thing in return. This is at the heart of codependent merging behavior--trying to change how they're thinking instead of thinking for and about myself. And, it doesn't work. The only thing that shows another person you are worthy and valuable is if you ARE worthy and valuable. The only way to be worthy and valuable is if YOU believe it. When you know your worth, there is nothing to prove.

6. I want to believe that someone I love is perfect and would never disrespect me. I pretend the world is Pollyanna and rearrange my reality by believing that someone I care about will not harm me. I live in a fantasy, delusional fairy-tale that ends up being a hellish nightmare rerun. Just because I love someone does not guarantee they will treat me well. I always need to protect myself by setting limits no matter how much I love the person.

7. I assume the other person feels and thinks like me. My goal in relationship is to always think of the other person's feelings, to protect them and keep them safe--this is the codendent's curse. I wrongfully assume that other people have the same standards for me. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are mean-spirited, selfish, rotten people out there--and I've been hurt by a lot of them. Still, I ignore all the warning signs and give myself away. There goes my heart as it runs from my brain.

8. I need the relationship, so I take more than my share of responsibility. I want to keep the relationship intact no matter what. I take responsibility for the other person's behavior instead of staying true to myself. When someone violates my boundaries or disrespects me, I become Mother Theresa and try to fix it. I learned this in childhood to survive. I keep forgetting I don't need it anymore.

9.  I don't want to offend anyone, even if they're offensive to me. I am extra careful of stepping on the toes of loved ones out of fear they will abandon me. I don't want to cause them pain, even at my own expense. I try to keep them safe from feeling badly for hurting me by hiding my truth and ignoring my needs. In exchange, that person farts on my head. Gee, thanks--you know who you are. #psyche!

10. I am blind to the truth that another person will hurt me on purpose. I can't fathom that someone I love and care about will hurt me in any way (consciously or unconsciously). Instead of protecting myself and setting limits, I try to get them to see the err of their ways. I abandon my own identity in favor of helping them validate my identity for me. (C'mon and cooperate will ya???) Although I'm learning that it's not healthy to assume that others (even those you love) will always be giving, loyal and thinking of my best interests. Even the nicest people in the world take advantage of you if you let them. Someone has to take care of me... plus, there are some real wounded assholes out there. Pew wee.

11. I try to validate myself by trying to get you to validate me. Due to childhood conditioning, I feel inherently wrong or invalid. I need validation that I haven't yet learned to give to myself. I've been taught to seek external validation. I try to convince you to validate me by proving to you that you're wrong in disrespecting me. I need the other person to admit that they are the piece of shit, and I am the sweet honeysuckle soap. Why do I need this? That's another article.

12. I am a magnet for people who play power and control games. My relationships are usually based on power and control, however unbeknownst to me. Against my will. I am playing a game that I let them win. I am playing in a game I don't want to play, that I don't know how to play and worse, that I don't even know is being played, yet I always end up the loser. The cards were counted long ago.

13. I over-empathize with others. I take responsibility for the other person's feelings while abandoning mine. I feel more uncomfortable for the other person than I do for myself, even when I'm being abused, discounted, rejected, disregarded or ignored. I have an overabundance of empathy for the other person and zero for me; even when no empathy is being shown towards me. This is the victim role that promises heaven but takes me to hell.

14. I automatically assume that others are right and I am wrong. When I am being violated, my first thought is that I am wrong in some way. I am wrong for feeling hurt. I am wrong for expecting respect. The confusion of not knowing which end is up keeps me from asserting myself.

15. I don't know what respectful behavior feels like. The concept of being respected for who I am is foreign to me. I feel like I have to fight for my own identity by convincing others to validate me. I don't have an internal working model of relating in a healthy, respectful and self-affirming way. My only guide is the mistakes that I have made and my desperation to know true love.

16. I become entangled with narcissistic, selfish and exploitative people. I have been taught to put my head on the chopping block. I allow myself to be used. I am blind to the grooming phase of narcissistic, blood-sucking behavior. I am most comfortable being a victim. I've been taught to be selfless in response to the selfishness; to value giving myself away more than holding onto my power. The universe keeps bringing me what I do not realize I am asking for...

17. I feel uncomfortable when someone else feels uncomfortable for disrespecting me. I take too much responsibility for other people's feelings. I am so busy trying to help the other feel okay, that I neglect how I feel or what I need. Instead of using my energy to take care of myself, I use it to protect the other person from feeling badly about hurting me. I hide my own truth and keep quiet instead of standing up. I am more emotionally attuned to the other person than I am to my own self. I love others with all my heart, then they take my heart away.

18. I ignore actions that show that the other person is un-empathetic.  I am not cognizant of my right to be heard, understood and respected. When someone is un-empathetic and invalidating towards me, instead of setting a boundary, I work harder trying to convince that person to feel for me. It's like I get stuck on this sentence. "This is not the way it's supposed to be. This is why and how you are hurting me, don't you agree?" I try to lay it out so they will understand... Ah, the bloodletting.

19. I am trained to seek agreement with the other as to what is right and wrong. I do not decide for myself. I withhold judgment of what actions are devaluing, degrading or abusive (unless it's a blatant slap in the face). I seek consensus before taking action on my own behalf. This powerlessness keeps me in the victim-cycle. I wrongfully think that unless I get agreement from the other party, I do not have the right to assert myself. I seek approval from the one who is being disrespectful as to whether they're being disrespectful. Can you guess their response? 

20. I fail to set boundaries. I don't set boundaries because 1.) I want to please the other person; 2.) I don't want to be rejected; 3.) I am out of touch with my own needs and feelings; and 4.) I often don't know how, when or where to assert myself effectively. My lack of boundaries cause other people to disrespect me and the cycle continues...

21.  When offenses add up, I feel guilty for "over-reacting."  Instead of taking care of myself throughout the relationship, I allow the other person to walk over me little-by-little. When the offenses add up, I get angry and emotional. This angry outburst leads me to feel guilty. Then, I feel so badly that I forget the original violation. This wrong feeling causes me to blame myself for everything and kiss butt even more.

21. I feel guilty when I assert boundaries. I feel guilty when I have to set boundaries to protect myself from the other. I feel guilty for not being able to give the other person whatever it is they want from me, even if what they want is to devalue, control and take away my power. When I must set a boundary, instead of realizing my own worth and value, I feel guilty for not being able to provide the other person what he or she wants, even if what is wanted is harmful to me. Self abandonment at its finest.

22. I blame myself whenever someone else treats me poorly. Instead of asserting a healthy boundary, I second guess myself and question whether I have the right to feel, think or behave as I do. I minimize the offense as a way of taking full responsibility for the other person's poor treatment of me. Blaming myself is the way I learned to stay safe as a child, when it wasn't safe to be assertive.

23. I fear being abandoned and rejected. I wrongfully think that I need connection with the other more than I need connection with myself. I disrespect my truth by succumbing to fear of rejection and abandonment that is left over from when I was little and would die without love. I allow others to treat me in a substandard way in order to keep them in my life. I'm stuck in my old story. I don't realize that I have a self or any power of my own because up until now, I've given everything away for nothing. 

24. I feel inherently flawed in relationships, so I try to make up for it by overlooking disrespect. I have been taught that I am bad or wrong, and this spills over into how I see myself in relationships. When you disrespect me, my first thought is that I have done something wrong to deserve maltreatment. Instead of advocating on my own behalf, I take your side against me. This shame keeps me tolerating what deep down I feel I deserve.

25. I feel uncomfortable with equal relationships. I feel most at ease when I am the one who is doing most of the giving. When I'm the one who gives the most, I feel like I have the upper-hand. Giving more is a way for me to control your image of me. I overcompensate because I have a faulty understanding of my own worth and value to myself and to others.

BONUS 26:  

Instead of setting boundaries, I try to make the other person feel guilty for hurting me.  Since I never learned that I had a right to set boundaries, the only tactic I know of that may actually work is to try to make the other person feel guilty for treating me like shit. Note to self: You're out of toilet paper.

BONUS 27:

I share my truth with people who are unsafe. My psyche is numb to the dangers of unsafe people, so I allow them to get too close. I am vulnerable to toxic people as a sort of "repetition compulsion" in order to get something from them that I desperately needed, but couldn't get in my childhood. I'm compelled to depend on the undependable. The stench is unbearable.

BONUS 28:

I am turned-off by nice, healthy people. People who will love me unconditionally and treat me well have less appeal than the charming, glossy manipulators who feed me with flattery and promise me sandcastles.  I'm not comfortable with the seeming dullness of reality. I wrongfully think that I am not able to receive healthy love.

BONUS 29:

I am looking for the perfect savior. I'm looking for someone (a parent) to come and save me rather than taking responsibility for myself. Instead of grounding in my own mature, adult power, I give it all away like a helpless child to all the wrong people. When someone lets me down I can stay the good-gal by blaming them for hurting me instead of being responsible. I'm ever looking out for the one who will finally keep my boundaries intact and who will tell me who I am. Will you be my mother? My savior is me.

We learn codependent behavior from our caretakers in childhood who learned this in their childhood, and on and on. I learned to relate codependently as a survival technique. In order to maintain connection with my primary caretakers, which I needed to survive and develop, I learned to deny my own needs and focus on their needs. I learned to be hyper-aware of what the other person needs instead of focusing on my own needs. This survival technique served me well, for here I am... However, this way of relating is detrimental to having healthy relationships as an adult. Putting the needs of others over myself and denying my own needs to accommodate other people is self abandonment; it causes confusion, pain and turmoil. Now that I'm aware, I can reinforce my own needs by realizing that my own personal dignity trumps any and all relationships with others.

Awareness is 99% of the game. Just knowing how you truly think and feel is half the battle, but it is in the implementation of what you know that your true power arises. If you were raised to relate codependently, you will need to be extremely mindful of your current relationship patterns as well as the underlying motivations and intentions for your behavior. Examine everything. Life is a classroom and your lesson is learning to love and value yourself on all levels. I have confidence that both of us will pass the test. Btttttttt

Thoughts?

*Why do I let people treat me like shit?
*Why do I let people treat me like crap?
*Why do people treat me badly?

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
4. Blaming self.
5. Addiction of any kind.
6. Impulsive behaviors.
7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
8. Not practicing good enough self care.
9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
10. Not speaking your truth.
11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
13. Over scheduling yourself.
14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
17. Trying to win approval of others.
18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
22. Loving others too much.
23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
26. Not taking care of your health.
27. Working too much, too hard.
28. Longing for another person
29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
33. Gossiping about others.
34. Stuffing your emotions.
35. Being overly critical of yourself.
36. Being overly critical of others.
37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
38. Living life vicariously through your children.
39. Striving.
40. Perfectionism.
41. Needing too much attention from others.
42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
44. Allowing someone else to define you.
45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
48. Trying to fix another person.
49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
50. Not accepting yourself.
51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
52. Judging yourself or others.
53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
54. Beating yourself up.
55. Negative self talk.
56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
57. Withdrawing from social contact.
58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
60. Ignoring your own needs.
61. Invalidating yourself.
62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
63. Living in denial.
64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
69. Blaming others.
70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
71. Being a Doormat
72. Masking your emotions.
73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
74. Not protecting yourself.
75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
78. Not learning from mistakes.
79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
80. Pushing yourself too hard.
81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
82. Operate as “less-than” others.
83. Partaking in psychological games.
84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
88. Fearing abandonment.
89. Fearing rejection.
90. Putting yourself down.
91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
95. Failing to take action.
96. Making excuses.
97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
98. Hating your imperfections.
99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
101. Needing another person.
102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
103. Trying to help too much.
104. Giving too much.
105. Being negative about your life.
106. Staying stuck where you are.
107. Isolating yourself.
108. Hurting other people.
109. Exploiting other people.
110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
111. Treating yourself like crap.
112. Criticizing yourself.
113. Judging yourself harshly.
114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)

Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.

100 Things About Assertiveness

Assertiveness is knowing who you are and what you deserve. This inner-superpower takes complete ownership of your energy and life force.  Assertiveness is related to the loving parent a healthy person has on the inside.  The panache of self love is knowing who you are and defending yourself, and fending for yourself with confidence and authenticity.

1. Assertiveness gets your needs met. 
2. Assertiveness stands up for you.
3. Assertiveness gives you the power to say no.
4. Assertiveness helps you stand up to your own inner-critic.
5. Assertiveness sets boundaries in relationships.
6. Assertiveness holds your identity together.
7. Assertiveness helps you get your point across. 
8. Assertiveness walks away from anything that steals, abuses or hurts.
9. Assertiveness proves that you're not afraid to be who you are.
10. Assertiveness speaks its mind.
11. Assertiveness knows who it is.
12. Assertiveness knows what its worth.
13. Assertiveness knows its rights in relationship.
14. Assertiveness knows what it is doing.
15. Assertiveness doesn't cow down.
16. Assertiveness may be afraid, but still stands up.
17. Assertiveness is only available to those who know who they are.
18. Assertiveness is hard for those with strict, regimented, stringent upbringings. 
19. Assertiveness is impossible if you're dependent on the person.
20. Assertiveness proves you love yourself.
21. Assertiveness is a learned-skill.
22. Assertiveness level is dictated by your level of knowledge of your personhood.
23. Assertiveness earns respect.
24. Assertiveness may seem counter-intuitive to those who give themselves away to earn love.
25. Assertiveness isn't angry.
26. Assertiveness is firm. 
27. Assertiveness is straight forward, up-front.
28. Assertiveness is the antithesis of manipulation.
29. Assertiveness is a mixture of knowing your rights with a dash of anger.
30. Assertiveness keeps you from being manipulated and controlled.
31. Assertiveness keeps you from being hurt by abusive people.
32. Assertiveness lessens the times you're confronted with assholes.
33. Assertiveness conserves your energy for pursuits that are in your best interest.
34. Assertiveness knows that you're worthy of protection.
35. Assertiveness protects you.
36. Assertiveness is like an inner-body guard.
37. Assertiveness doesn't make exceptions for bad behavior.
38. Assertiveness is chilled out, natural and clear.
39. Assertiveness is not passive aggressive.
40. Assertiveness asks directly for what it wants.
41. Assertiveness is no whiner.
42. Assertiveness takes ownership of his/her own life.
43. Assertiveness takes accountability for its internal.
44. Assertiveness says what it means and means what it says.
45. Assertiveness is not afraid of what people think about it.
46. Assertiveness doesn't need approval.
47. Assertiveness is the guarder of the individual person.
48. Assertiveness helps you stay whole so you can experience empathy.
49. Assertiveness does not lose its temper.
50. Assertiveness does not give into poor treatment.
51. Assertiveness is always aware.
52. Assertiveness considers the other person.
53. Assertiveness tactfully gets its point across.
54. Assertiveness is a tool for intimacy in relationships.
55. Assertiveness is the manager of boundaries.
56. Assertiveness is your backbone--it helps structure your person.
57. Assertiveness requires that you believe you are valuable, worthy & loved.
58. Assertiveness requires you to believe in yourself.
59. Assertiveness means you know what you're doing.
60. Assertiveness is confident, grounded and centered.
61. Assertiveness shapes your different-ness.
62. Assertiveness is the guarder of your individuality.
63. Assertiveness is alive and awake.
64. Assertiveness is the opposite of doormat. 
65. Assertiveness is not aggression.
66. Assertiveness doesn't care what others think.
67. Assertiveness knows that being degraded is not an option.
68. Assertiveness allows you to go out and do what you want.
69. Assertiveness says no, even though that may hurt you to say it.
70. Assertiveness lets nothing steal its self esteem.
71. Assertiveness positions your persona.
72. Assertiveness gives clear intentions.
73. Assertiveness knows it has got what it takes.
74. Assertiveness creates space for you to enjoy life's pleasures.
75. Assertiveness ends rumination.
76. Assertiveness clears your life of unneeded junk.
77. Assertiveness acts on your behalf.
78. Assertiveness is strength, not weakness.
79. Assertiveness comes from a place of self respect and love.
80. Assertiveness calls out what's real and what's bullshit.
81. Assertiveness dictates how other people can treat you.
82. Assertiveness gets rid of people who won't let you be who you are.
83. Assertiveness is not butt-kissing.
84. Assertiveness is on your side.
85. Assertiveness never sacrifices its dignity. 
86. Assertiveness stops people from pushing you around.
87. Assertiveness is grown-up.
88. Assertiveness is the fence around your emotional world.
89. Assertiveness is that hand that talks to the face.
90. Assertiveness is an attitude of certainty.
91. Assertiveness
92. Assertiveness
93. Assertiveness
94. Assertiveness
95. Assertiveness
96. Assertiveness
97. Assertiveness
98. Assertiveness
99. Assertiveness
100. Assertiveness

 of self compassion, honor and dignity.

What are we defending?

doling out its goodies consciously and with complete self control.

Are You Invisible?

Are you invisible? Being invisible is when you don't know who you are, you don't know how you feel, and you don't know what's real. An invisible person has no true, defined identity, he or she has no inkling of their human rights or how to assert those rights in relationships...If this is you, I know how you feel. It is a very painful way to live. Not only are you invisible to others, most importantly, you are invisible to yourself. Whatever it takes you must find yourself--find your truth. You are beautiful. You are love. You are light.

Some of us were conditioned to become invisible so as not to be rejected... to make our presence (which we perceive to be a burden) easier on those around us. We think that we will die if we aren't accepted and therefore we hide our true selves to stay alive. It's literally a matter of life and death for a child to be accepted. If a child is not loved, the child will die--that means any measure must be taken to get love, even an ounce of it, to keep growing up. We sacrifice our existence so as not to lose the love of others. That child never really grows up, but stays inside, stays invisible, hiding the truth of who we are from anyone who may not approve and may not love us. What we don't realize, and what we have to teach our inner child is that WE WILL NOT DIE. We are big people now and we have the resources we need to take care of ourselves in the event we are rejected. We have the power we need to speak our minds and live our truth--we must only realize this.

Becoming invisible is also a way to manipulate people to love you. It's not noble as it may seem on first glance. It's actually manipulation. It says, "I know you won't like who I really am so I'm going to pretend to be someone I'm not so that you'll like me." Eventually you'll get tired of the charade and lash out in anger. It's inevitable. You're not really invisible, you're just pretending to be invisible to manipulate others into accepting that which you do not accept yourself: YOU.

Becoming a person is an inside job. You have what it takes to come to life, to live your truth and to express yourself without shame and without holding back. Start practicing today. Say no more often to what you don't want, express your truth, don't go along with others just to make them happy. Learn to listen to your heart and be who you really are. It's worth it!!!  

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person?

• Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
• Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
• Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
• Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
• Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
• Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
• Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
• Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
• Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
• Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
• Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.

Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...

• Does not respect you.
• Is trying to manipulate you.
• Wants to control you.
• Is exploiting you.
• Does not care about your feelings.
• Is pulling a power play.
• Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
• Wants to keep the upper hand.  
• Is selfish.
• Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
• Does not care about your relationship.
• Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
• Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
• Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
• Wants you to be their fawn.
• Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 

So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary. Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. 

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.