Narcissists Cannot Validate Consistently

Invalidation is one of the central methods of covert narcissistic abuse. The Narcissist simply CANNOT validate anyone consistently. For the Narcissist to validate your personal truth would be for you to cease being an object; and cease being an extension of themselves. You see, Narcissists see others as objects to be used for their own benefit, not as individual beings. If they validate your truth, it will mean that they themselves do not exist. It is only by pathologically turning others into objects to use and exploit that they experience any sense of self.

Please see my article on Validating Your Truth here.

A Narcissist is programmed (due to developmental trauma) to knock you over, kick you off center, cause you to be confused and not know who you are without them telling you who you are. Also, if the Narcissist were to validate you, then you would be strengthened enough to realize what it is that they're doing. They simply cannot support you in connecting to your own truth because doing so would strengthen your identity (ego) and make you immune to their manipulations.

The child of the narcissist is hurt the most by the invalidation of these predators because the child never gets to learn who they are because the narcissist refuses to mirror the child's truth back to him or her, because doing so would mean that their child is an individual--and that's appalling to the narcissist who wishes to use their offspring as an object, source of narcissistic supply, and an extension of themselves to exploit as they so desire. The child of the narcissist will only be validated when doing so butters them up for later abuse by their mentally disordered parent.

Narcissists invalidate constantly, in fact, invalidation is at the root of almost every form of narc abuse:

• Gas Lighting - Abuse tactic to get you to question your own sanity (truth). This tact occurs in myriad ways; the end result is the questioning of ones own experience and feelings.
• Intermittent Reinforcement - Hot and cold treatment leaves victim confused and bewildered. When in the throws of the high times with the narcissist, one is happier than ever, then when the narcissist shows their bad side, it causes one to feel lower than ever. All this is done to confuse, entrap and disorient the victim so that he or she will be less likely to recognize exploitive behavior on the part of the narc.
• Silent Treatment - The Silent Treatment is a covert form of narcissistic abuse that also includes tactics such as ignoring, relegating to text contact, or any other form of subtle disrespect that is an attempt to punish you for not going along with the narcissists abuse--or offending the narcissist in any way. The Silent Treatment is a giant energy suck because it causes the victim to obsess over the reasons for the silence, and to reverse the energy by trying to get the narc's attention. The Silent Treatment is a covert psychological ambush that renders the victim more likely to be open to invalidation later when the nice narc finally decides you're worth talking to.
• Mimicry - The narcissist mirrors people to make them feel flattered, loved and special, however, the narcissist does not love anyone and doesn't think anyone is special except him or herself. Mimicry is a fake process the narcissist uses to trick you into thinking that he or she cares, and thus causes you to trust, empathize-with and rely on the narcissist even more.

Narcissists will, however, validate you during the idealization stage--or else who would give them their energy? However, as soon as narcissists have taken what they want, or gained the sense of power and control they are seeking, they naturally morph into the invalidating role intermittently, of course, just to keep you from noticing their thievery.

It has been my experience that people who are unable to validate your truth are narcissistic, and potentially malignant narcissists--it all depends on where they fall on the continuum. Still, knowing that narcissists cannot validate your truth consistently is a good way to weed out the takers from the good people in your life who are capable of respect, intimacy and validation.

The Fake Giver

Just when you think you've figured life out, whap! You get slapped up-side the face with a new one--least that's how my life seems to be... I've learned that there is yet another type of person in the world who will trip you up on your way to your life of bliss, and that is THE FAKE GIVER.

The Fake Giver is one who pretends to be a giver, much like the malignant narcissist who flatters during the idealization stage. The Fake Giver pretends to be on your side, like they care about you, like they have empathy, like they have mounds of generosity in their soul, only to grab everything back like a stingy miser once they have you fooled.

The Fake Giver hooks you with the pretense that they care about you. If you're a giver like me, you are prey to people who will use and abuse you using covert tactics where they dangle the carrot of promised return in front of your face. Unfortunately, the return never comes and if you're naive to these types, you may end up with a negative balance of your own self esteem and removed from the path towards your highest good.

The hook is the way The Fake Giver pretends, fawns over you, offers you a ride, likes one of your photos on Facebook, sends you flowers, helps you move, calls every day... These actions are trust points that weaken your defenses and leave you open as easy prey for the unscrupulous pretenders out there.

Just being generous is not enough to prove one to be a Fake Giver. It's hard to decipher who is real and who has an agenda to steal your mojo.

• Overly enamored with you early on in relationship - If it's too good to be true, it usually is.
• Gives and then pulls back - This is intermittent reinforcement. 
• Says things to get you to fall in love with them.
• Gives you products to entice you to purchase something.
• Pretends to be your friend, but has secret agenda.
• Makes offers to make themselves look good, while knowing that you would never accept.
• Buys you gifts or does selfless things for you without your reciprocation. (won't last)

Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful manipulative tactic that is used by The Fake Giver to gain control over his or her victim. They give, give, withdraw, give, withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, give, withdraw. This process makes engaging with them more like a slot machine in Las Vegas than a human to human interaction. You never know what you're going to get. It's human nature to "protest" or turn toward those who turn away, especially when you're in a close relationship. That's how our attachment system is wired. This is the starting point of addiction--addiction to takers and other toxic types.

The Fake Giver uses your love, kindness, compassion, empathy and neediness against you. He or she hooks you with intermittent reinforcement and other manipulative techniques. Before you know it, you find yourself obsessed with gaining the attention of one of these selfish weasels. Learn to recognize the Fake Giver. Start by confronting the lies during the emotional abuse grooming process (early on) to prevent being taken off track.

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment is a form of ignoring that people do to manipulate others into giving them what they want or doing what they want. It is a covert form of psychological and emotional abuse that is passive aggressive and leaves no mess for the perpetrator. When a person uses the Silent Treatment on you, it causes you to lose your self esteem.  If you find yourself reaching out to a friend, lover, parent, boss or anyone who ignores you or who withdraws from you chronically, you may be experiencing the abuse of the Silent Treatment.  

Silence pleads innocence whether it's innocent or not. It's easy for the abuser to deny any wrong doing or to make up excuses as to why they've gotten quiet. The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing.

This form of emotional abuse has the ability to humiliate and confuse the victim. "It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser."

The Silent Treatment is a Harmful Way to Get What You Want



This is an excerpt from "Types of Emotional Child Abuse" from "The Invisible Scar.com"

How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.

Giving the silent treatment.

“No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)

The abusive parent will withhold attention and affection until the child caves in and apologizes for whatever the abuser perceived as a slight or insult. Through a series of silent treatments, the abused child will learn to be silent, to be docile, to never speak against the parent—because if the child does, he will not be loved or spoken to or even acknowledged as a human being.
 

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person?

• Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
• Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
• Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
• Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
• Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
• Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
• Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
• Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
• Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
• Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
• Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.

Ignoring or the "Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...

• Does not respect you.
• Is trying to manipulate you.
• Wants to control you.
• Is exploiting you.
• Does not care about your feelings.
• Is pulling a power play.
• Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
• Wants to keep the upper hand.  
• Is selfish.
• Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
• Does not care about your relationship.
• Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
• Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
• Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
• Wants you to be their fawn.
• Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 

So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary. Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them. 

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.