Narcissist Love Bombing Phase

Breaking Free from the Narcissist

Dear Jenna, 

I've been in a relationship with a person who has NPD. At first I didn't know about NPD or if he had it but I observed him and figured it out. He was never there for me, not even the time when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The problem is I'm emotionally attached to him and I'm an empath. He has just taken advantage of me in various ways and I've always given in. I want to break free but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to. He is still a mystery to me even after 2.5 years and I'm aware that he has cheated on me either by flirting with other women or by not letting me in completely in his life. His words never equal his actions but my addiction to him is like me being addicted to cigarettes. Want to leave but cannot. I'm in pain, Jenna. Please help.

I was there. You MUST get out. It can literally kill you. I had a heart attack due to all the abuse, etc... Take little steps each day, become aware, use your empathy on yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You CAN get out. It's not easy. There is pain you must face, lies you must untangle. I'd say about 1 year of excruciating emotional pain is necessary as you discover the truth about why you're truly attached to someone who is abusing you.

The reason you love the narcissist is because you have yet to face some truths in your life. There are other people (parents maybe?) whom you have yet to realize were abusive to you and are potentially still abusing you. You love a narcissist when you are split from yourself. This split is akin to DID where you have multiple personalities and amnesia walls. These amnesia walls hide the truth from you because it's unbearable pain. In order to break free of this addiction to the narcissist, you must break down the amnesia walls and integrate your personality. You must face every lie, and face the truth no matter how painful.

This truth for me was that people in my life I thought loved me, in reality were stabbing me in the back and keeping me in a prison.

This narcissist addiction is in your life for a reason as a pointer to your healing. It is a call to come out of the fog and face the truth. I recommend reading Alice Miller's books and also to brace yourself to handle some deep secrets about who really loves you and who is stabbing you in the back.

Our current relationships are a repeat of our childhood patterns. You are not in love with the narc. You are trying to get your parent(s) to love you and projecting that loyalty onto the narc.

Mindfulness Practice for Healing

A huge part of my healing journey from self loathing to self love has been Mindfulness Practice. Without this technique and way of life, I could never be fully healed.

Mindfulness does so many things, one of which is that it gives you space. Space between the past and present, between stimulus and response, between your emotions and your reason, between thoughts and feelings, between inner critic and true self, between self and higher self, between self and God, between what you want to do and what is effective--and so much more. 

Without a mindfulness practice, which I work each and every day as often as possible, I could only be healed up to a point. With mindfulness practice, I am coming in complete control of how I feel, how I react and how I live my life. I cannot say enough good things about Mindfulness and Meditation Practice. I do it every single day.

InBrief: The Science of Neglect

18 Schemas: Healing Your Negative Core Beliefs

This article shares the 18 schemas as referred to in my previous article. Schemas are networks of core beliefs that you hold about yourself based upon the meeting of your needs in childhood. If your needs were adequately met (or met good enough), then you will have healthy schemas--a positive view of yourself, others and life. If your childhood development needs were not properly met, or if you suffered from childhood trauma or abuse, neglect or suffered from a loss of a parent, then you will have beliefs about yourself that do not serve you. Negative core beliefs are the product of inadequate parenting.

When you do not get your needs met as a child, you determine that you're not worthy to be taken care of. Depending on which needs were thwarted, you may have several schemas--groups of negative core beliefs--that are working against you today.

It does not matter how things have changed in your life, if you do not heal the schema associated with the negative core beliefs you hold in your psyche, you will always have an underlying sense of defectiveness, inability or unlovability. Until you actively pursue healing to build a new schema in place of the old maladaptive beliefs, you are at mercy of old, archaic beliefs that are not valid, not logical and not true.

Here is a list of 18 Schemas from the website SchemaTherapy.comhttp://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm.

1. ABANDONMENT /  INSTABILITY 
The perceived instability or unreliability of those available for support and connection. Involves the sense that significant others will not be able to continue providing emotional support, connection, strength, or practical protection because they are emotionally unstable and unpredictable (e.g., angry outbursts), unreliable, or erratically present; because they will die imminently; or because they will abandon the patient in favor of someone better.

2. MISTRUST / ABUSE
The expectation that others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lie, manipulate, or take advantage.  Usually involves the perception that the harm is intentional or the result of unjustified and extreme negligence. May include the sense that one always ends up being cheated relative to others or "getting the short end of the stick."
3.  EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION
Expectation that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others.  The three major forms of deprivation are:

A. Deprivation of Nurturance:  Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.

B. Deprivation of Empathy:  Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.

C. Deprivation of Protection:  Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.
 
4.  DEFECTIVENESS / SHAME
The feeling that one is defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, or invalid in important respects; or that one would be unlovable to significant others if exposed. May involve hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and blame; self-consciousness, comparisons, and insecurity around others; or a sense of shame regarding one's perceived flaws. These flaws may be private (e.g., selfishness, angry impulses, unacceptable sexual desires) or public (e.g., undesirable physical appearance, social awkwardness).

5.  SOCIAL ISOLATION / ALIENATION  
The feeling that one is isolated from the rest of the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any group or community.
 
6.  DEPENDENCE / INCOMPETENCE
Belief that one is unable to handle one's everyday responsibilities in a competent manner, without considerable help from others (e.g., take care of oneself, solve daily problems, exercise good judgment, tackle new tasks, make good decisions). Often presents as helplessness.
 
7.  VULNERABILITY TO HARM OR ILLNESS
Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that one will be unable to prevent it. Fears focus on one or more of the following: (A) Medical Catastrophes:  e.g., heart attacks, AIDS;  (B) Emotional Catastrophes:  e.g., going crazy;  (C): External Catastrophes: e.g., elevators collapsing, victimized by criminals, airplane crashes, earthquakes.

8.  ENMESHMENT  /  UNDEVELOPED SELF
Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents), at the expense of full individuation or normal social development. Often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other. May also include feelings of being smothered by, or fused with, others  OR  insufficient individual identity. Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or in extreme cases questioning one's existence.  

9.  FAILURE TO ACHIEVE
The belief that one has failed, will inevitably fail, or is fundamentally inadequate relative to one's peers, in areas of achievement (school, career, sports, etc.). Often involves beliefs that one is stupid, inept, untalented, ignorant, lower in status, less successful than others, etc.

10.  ENTITLEMENT / GRANDIOSITY 
The belief that one is superior to other people; entitled to special rights and privileges; or not bound by the rules of reciprocity that guide normal social interaction. Often involves insistence that one should be able to do or have whatever one wants, regardless of what is realistic, what others consider reasonable,  or the cost to others;OR an exaggerated focus on superiority (e.g., being among  the most successful,  famous, wealthy)  -- in order to achieve power or control (not primarily for attention or approval). Sometimes includes excessive competitiveness toward, or domination of, others:  asserting one's power, forcing one's point of view, or controlling the behavior of others in line with one's own desires---without empathy or concern for others' needs or feelings.

11. INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL / SELF-DISCIPLINE
Pervasive difficulty or refusal to exercise sufficient self-control and frustration tolerance to achieve one's personal goals, or to restrain the excessive expression of one's emotions and impulses. In its milder form, patient presents with an exaggerated emphasis on discomfort-avoidance:  avoiding pain, conflict, confrontation, responsibility, or overexertion---at the expense of personal fulfillment, commitment,  or integrity.

12.  SUBJUGATION
Excessive surrendering of control to others because one feels coerced - - usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. The two major forms of subjugation are:

A. Subjugation of Needs:  Suppression of one's preferences, decisions,  and desires.

B. Subjugation of Emotions: Suppression of emotional expression, especially anger.

Usually involves the perception that one's own desires, opinions,  and feelings are not valid or important to others. Frequently presents as excessive compliance, combined with hypersensitivity to feeling trapped. Generally leads to a build up of anger, manifested in maladaptive symptoms (e.g., passive-aggressive behavior, uncontrolled outbursts of temper, psychosomatic symptoms, withdrawal of affection, "acting out", substance abuse).

13. SELF-SACRIFICE 
Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.  The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .  Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)

14.  APPROVAL-SEEKING  /  RECOGNITION-SEEKING
Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations.  Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement --  as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying;  or in hypersensitivity to rejection.
 
15. NEGATIVITY  /  PESSIMISM
A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment, conflict, guilt, resentment, unsolved problems, potential mistakes, betrayal, things that could go wrong, etc.) while minimizing or neglecting the positive or optimistic aspects. Usually includes an exaggerated expectation-- in a wide range of work, financial, or interpersonal situations -- that things will eventually go seriously wrong, or that aspects of one's life that seem to be going well will ultimately fall apart. Usually involves an inordinate fear of making mistakes that might lead to: financial collapse, loss, humiliation, or being trapped in a bad situation. Because potential negative outcomes are exaggerated, these patients are frequently characterized by chronic worry, vigilance, complaining, or indecision.

16.  EMOTIONAL INHIBITION The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication -- usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one's impulses. The most common areas of inhibition involve:  (a) inhibition of anger & aggression;  (b) inhibition of positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play);  (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one's feelings, needs, etc.;  or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions.

17.  UNRELENTING STANDARDS /  HYPERCRITICALNESS  
The underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness toward oneself and others.  Must involve significant impairment in:  pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying relationships. 

Unrelenting standards typically present as:  (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one's own performance is relative to the norm;  (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished.
 
18.  PUNITIVENESS  
The belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.  Involves the tendency to be angry, intolerant,  punitive, and impatient with those people (including oneself) who do not meet one's expectations or standards.  Usually includes difficulty forgiving mistakes in oneself or others, because of a reluctance to consider extenuating circumstances, allow for human imperfection, or empathize with feelings.

(c) Jeffrey Young Schema Therapy Institute

561 10th Ave., Suite 43D

New York, NY  10036

How to Find Your Core Truth

Group Member asked: "I still don't know what my truth is though. How do you get in touch with your core truth? One 'truth' to me is just as true and another 'truth'. This is where I am stuck in my recovery."
My Answer: Your core truth is the core of who you are. It is that part of you that no one can ever take away. Your truth is beneath your wounds, your false beliefs, your codependency, your symptoms. It is the truth of who you are, connected with the source of life, your higher power. Your truth is all knowing. Inside your heart you hold the answers to everything you need to function. Your core truth is pure love, pure joy, pure bliss.

This truth can be hidden, but it cannot be destroyed. This is the hope of recovery, to find this truth buried on the inside of you, beneath the pain, the maladaption, the addictions and mental illness. The goal of healing is to find this truth in all its forms and manifestations and to live from it, rather than attaching to outside sources or from your wounded layers. 

Those of us who suffer from codependency have not been taught to access our truth. We were taught to hide our truth, that our truth is nonexistent, that our cognitions and view of reality is wrong. We were invalidated. We were taught to mistrust ourselves and to give our power over to our caretakers (who were likely taught the same faulty way).

You can find your truth by being aware that you have a truth, and trusting that you do have truth inside of you. Your True Self. You may need a therapist to help you figure this part out, that is, how you feel, what you believe and whether your feelings are based in now or are pent-up emotions that are frozen inside.

When I did this process, that of unfolding my true self, it was one of the most magical part of my healing. I could literally picture my true self buried in the treasure chest of my heart, beneath the pain, anger, hurt and confusion. I pictured the real me banging on the sides of the box that held me down. I imagined myself unfolding and coming to life... which means, expressing and feeling my authentic truth for the first time.

It is an ongoing endeavor to locate your truth when you've gone through the things we've gone through. I learn new parts of myself every day that I never realized I had. Your truth holds things that you need to function appropriately in all facets of life. When you release bits of your truth from the captivity of hiding, suddenly you find that you're able to function in areas that you never could before.

As you go beyond your initial awakening and move into proper functioning you encounter lots of bleeps along the way. I now know that any issues or difficulties I'm having stems from my disconnection from my own truth. Lately I'm learning (through mindfulness) to listen to the voice inside myself. Not only to listen, but to HEED, validate and honor my gut instincts.

PART 1: How to Rise Above Negative Emotion

Wow. This is a difficult article to write. Why? Because there is not one answer to it. Rising above negative emotion that stems from the root of childhood abuse and neglect is a complicated process, one that requires everything you've got--and more.

The biggest issue is that being neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated as a child causes your identity to be wrought in SHAME. The opposite of love, affection, attention is shame. When a child does not get its developmental needs met, the natural by-product is shame. Shame is a horrible, disgusting, terrible feeling that broods beneath the surface and shapes everything you say and do. I can't tell you how badly shame makes you feel. If you're reading this article, you likely know--though you may not have a handle on it.

Parts of me that I thought were me, the parts that made me feel worthless, I found out through my healing journey were not me at all.  It was shame. The revelation changed my life forever. There were so many ways I was held back by an intense feeling of shame--that I never knew was there, until I rose above it by being mindful of every feeling and thought that I felt.

Shame. I'll never forget when I first came face-to-face with this unruly beast. I'm not talking about your normal shame, that for feeling badly for something you've done in the presence of a social group--that kind of shame is reasonable, manageable and normal. No big deal. No, I'm talking about the kind of shame that rots you out to the core--makes you sit down when you should stand. Keeps you locked behind closed doors, handcuffed in a world while crying cause it's passing you by. TOXIC SHAME.

Toxic Shame is a type of shame you don't deserve. It's the type of shame that is the by-product of neglect, abandonment and abuse of childhood. If you experienced a bad childhood and you know it, and you haven't dealt with your shame, I feel very sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks and it hurts and you may not even realize it. Pain hides in such strange ways. It makes you kick yourself... little do you know, you don't deserve it. It's shame that's not yours.

Anyway. Toxic shame is what occurs when a parent acts shamelessly by passing their shameful behavior (that of neglect, abuse or whatever) onto you without remorse. It's a long story. Whenever someone passes that stuff onto you, your caretaker--who DOES NOT REALIZE what he or she is doing... they are only reacting and re-enacting their own abuse--they are passing on shame that does not belong to you. IT'S NOT YOURS. But, as a small child, your only recourse is to take the blame. You believe you're worthless. You embrace their shame as if it is your own. Why? Because ...

You're tiny.
You're vulnerable.
You have no protection.

You're mind is protecting you from realizing that you are being raised by incompetent people.

Our minds are pre-wired to protect us from the harms of poorly functioning adults. In order to protect us from the realization that we are unloved as children (unloved in the sense that we're not loved with true, adequate love), our brains internalize the flaws of our parents. Our brains internalize the flaws that our parents can't face. Our little, developing brains internalize the projections of our parents. Stuff they can't deal with, we, as little vulnerable children gulp down. We take all the stuff they can't because we MUST BELIEVE THEY ARE PERFECT in order to develop psychologically.

You see, believing that we're worthless is a defense mechanism against insanity. Evolution tells us (or whatever that is) that our brains are wired to protect ourselves from the lack of love. Babies who don't get adequate love can die--ACTUALLY DIE. Therefore we are hard wired to become delusional if our primary caretakers are incapable of giving us the real love we need. We pretend in our little minds that the abusive caretaker is perfect, and we, believe that we--instead of them--are the devil personified. We take on their shame. This is TOXIC SHAME. It is not ours, but we put it on. We don it in order to delude ourselves into thinking that they love us, when in fact they do not, cannot and will not. It is not their fault, nor is it ours.

SHAME. I'm trying to write an article about how to overcome negative emotion, but I cannot do so unless I describe to you the presence of shame, and help you to know what it is. In order to get rid of the most troublesome emotion of all time, you must first know it is there.

I found shame in places I never knew it could be found. I still find it from time to time. Look for it. It's lurking. It's hanging out around every corner. Every time you feel badly, shame--toxic shame--is the culprit. So much to say. My fingers hurt. Next time, I'll share more. Much love. Good luck in your journey. Rise above shame by first recognizing it.

Awareness is Key


If you want to rise above the negative emotion, you must first recognize it is there. You may uncover negative emotion in a million ways, just under the surface. I love this article by another writer which defines it well regarding the patterns of self-hatred. Feelings of unworthiness may hide beneath the surface and be tricky to find... but once you open to learning the truth about your feelings, to honoring and respecting your feelings and to start being mindful of your self-talk, you will start to unravel your feelings and find the root of its cause.



More later....

Things Narcissists Do Tweet Recap

This was a very popular tweet string that I've consolidated into a post. Follow me on Twitter @dotjenna to get these and other great tweets that will help you recover from Narcissistic Abuse. I will add more as I go...

A Narcissist is someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This means that they are exploitative and can hurt you psychologically and emotionally if you get to close to them. People who take selfies may have narcissistic traits, but that does not make them narcissists, nor does it mean they have the disorder. Everyone has a measure of narcissism--that's healthy. It's the disordered individuals who have too much that we need to worry about.

There is the person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then there is the malignant Narcissist that is completely sadistic. The worse type of person on this continuum is the psychopath and sociopath. The one thing that all these disordered people have in common is lack of empathy, and the way they use people as objects for narcissistic supply. 

ThingsNarcissistsDo: No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. [tweet this]

ThingsNarcissistsDo: Abuse you covertly by bringing up things subtly in conversation to make you doubt yourself. [tweet this]

If caught red handed in a lie, will say, "I never said that!" This is an abuse tactic called "Gas Lighting." #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Abuse you, then accuse you of being the abuser. This makes you question your own experience of reality. #ThingsNarcissistsDo #gaslighting

Refuses to take responsibility for behavior, mistakes or how he/she hurts you. Blames you for being hurt. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

"Their entire focus is to convince everyone around them of their superiority in every aspect of life." #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Mimics your personality until you're trapped, ie: you have kids, you're partners... then shows true self. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Uses introjection (mimcry) to ensnare his/her victim and trap into cycle of abuse. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Believes his time more valuable than others. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Hangs around the biggest celebrity or person with highest social status at the party. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments as his own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

"Acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels an intrusion on his precious time." Sam Vadkin #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Refuses to deal with issues; projects & blames others instead, starting with 3 yr olds. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Just because someone takes "selfies," does not make them a narcissist. Only those who have no empathy & suck ur blood. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will get revenge on you, so watch out! #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Cover their asses by being amazing and saintly in order to gain your trust and get control of your heart. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Agree with you when you're sad and putting yourself down. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Rub it in with salt. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Are more interested in how they look to others than long term things like quality relationships. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Drop you like a hot potato once you're hooked on them. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Be amazing to you the whole time-super amazing--then when you're neck is on the guillotine, they pull the cord & laugh. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Give you everything but the one thing you need from them in order to keep you waiting and dependent. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Make promises, imply promises but never deliver. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will often times profess to be a Christian because they love to be things that seem innocent, sweet and good. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

If the child wants grilled cheese for lunch, they will say NO, you're having a hot dog. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Puts condition on their love and acceptance. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Goes after successful people who have a big heart, but also a weak area or insecurity that makes them vulnerable. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Makes one of their children into a GOD, but still sucks the emotions, energy and blood out of that child. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Puts their daughters in beauty pageants. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Requires those who want their acceptance to feel only as they say they can feel. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Cannot see people as individuals with equal rights and their own feelings. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Has grandiose fantasies of amazing relationships & marvelous accomplishments that never existed. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Does not allow their children to have thoughts, ideas and/or feelings of their own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Complains that their 5 year old has "behavioral problems." (Yeah, right... they've got a blood-sucking parent!!!) #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Requires that you never criticize or disagree with them. If you cross them, you're toilet paper. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Raises children who are codependent, needy and unaware of their own feelings. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Pushes your buttons, then make you feel guilty for losing your composure. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Plays favorites among their children. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Competes with their daughter or son. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Is incapable of empathizing with another person, thereby easily abusing without a conscience. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Is excellent at getting people to think he/she can do no wrong while casting shadows on the one she's threatened by. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Preys on weak people with low self esteem who are in desperate need of love--then takes advantage of that neediness. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treats one of their children worse than all the others. Projects their own ugliness on this poor outcast child. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treats one of their children as if they are GOD. Pampers one child and treats the rest like dog shit. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Comes back around to suck you back in once you've gotten on with your life. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Makes you feel like you're the most important thing in the world, then when you're all-in, dumps you cold. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Abuses their children severely. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Mimics you to flatter you in order to gain your trust and use you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Acts successful, intelligent, knowledgeable, but when he opens his mouth to say something, sounds like an imbecile. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Does things to make you go nuts, then when you lose your cool, makes it look like you're the crazy one. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Refuse to deal with issues that come up in your relationships. Glosses over slights when you try to bring it up. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Play psychological games. Tactics such as withholding, ie: not returning phone calls, being intermittently available. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Create triangles. Abuse you by proxy through a third party. This is Sadistic, Malignant SOB #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Perfectionistic. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Treat they're children like their worthy only for their accomplishments. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Hang around the top ranks; Presidents, Media, Hollywood, Pastors, Doctors--titles give the illusion of power. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Name drop in social settings, try to impress you about their friends for no other reason than to impress you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Feel necessary to get as many acronyms behind their name as possible to give the illusion of power. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Brag about their abilities without commensurate accomplishments. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

The worst thing is thinking the best in someone, starting to trust the are real and then--FANGS, devaluation #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

"Men promised her the world and secretly expected it from her." Élan Golomb, PhD #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding . #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will try to associate with people in prominent positions to siphon power. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Hanging outta the passengers side of his best friends' ride trying to hollar at me. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist doesn't talk about narcissism. He/She usually is too self-involved to see it in others. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will treat you like you are royalty until he/she no longer needs you... Then you become used toilet paper. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists LIE, LIE, LIE. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

The American Government is filled to the brim with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Every day you encounter narcissists. They are the ones who hurt you & make you sad. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists are everywhere. They may look great, they may look humble. They all will hurt you if you let them close. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

One way to test to see if a person is a narcissist--Do they consider your feelings? #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissists create triangles, stir dissension & cause conflict to distract & gain power. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Narcissist have no empathy. They don't care about your feelings, AT ALL. Only their own. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist is like a zombie who doesn't care & doesn't love. It just wants to consume your emotional goodies. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

#1 way to know you're dealing with a narcissist is the disregard of your feelings. A real human can't do that. #ThingsNarsissistsDo #empathy 

You know a Narcissist by #1 how they can't accept your feelings. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

Not all narcissists are like Obama. Some are more like Mother Theresa. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

The Narcissist cannot give unless he/she is trying to manipulate you to gain your trust. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will feign woundedness & insecurity just to get you to help & focus on them. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will pretend he/she doesn't think they are great, just so that you will keep telling them they are. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

If you want to get rid of a narcissist, just tell him/her what you need. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will project their doo doo on you and hate you for it. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

A narcissist will drop you the moment you assert a need. #ThingsNarsissistsDo 

CANNOT GIVE, unless they're doing it to manipulate you into trusting them so they can gain power over you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Play mind-games. Call you every day for a week, then stop calling--makes you think you did something wrong. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Always wanting to get you off track & onto their agenda. Use psychological games to gain power over you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

They do not love, they only ENVY. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Act like you're the greatest thing in the world until you believe them; then drop you like you're trailer trash. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

No empathy. Cannot understand why their bad treatment of you causes you pain, nor do they care if it does. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Devalue you. Get close to you, act like they care, then leave you standing in the cold. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Surrounds themselves with a circle of fawns who praise their every deed. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Suddenly disappear, change the subject or get grumpy when you assert a need of your own. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will only be charming, nice, considerate when you have something they want. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Will not own up to mistakes. Blames someone else. #ThingsNarcissistsDo 

Secretly enjoy seeing you in emotional pain and confusion. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Get self esteem by diminishing yours. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Avoid you when you do something praise-worthy. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Withdraw as a way to maintain the power in the relationship. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Act like the perfect mother, father or family in public, then behind closed doors rage and abuse their children. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

More concerned about power and control than equal relating and meaningful connection. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Surround themselves with people who will fawn over them, like who they like, hate who they hate. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Play dumb. Pretend they don't know how to function in life so that you can help them suck the blood out of you. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Create triangles. Pit friends against each other. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Seem really cool from afar, but get up close and find that they are empty and souless as a Barbie Doll. #ThingsNarcissistsDo

Actually believe cheap flattery. They're very easy to control with flattery that a normal person would recognize. #ThingsNarcissistsDo  


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How To Pull Yourself Inside

One of the neatest things I learned along the way in my healing transformation from being a fear-based person to a love-based person is how to "Pull Yourself Inside." This is a process that I created myself, as a basis of healing, based on my extensive research. This is not a process you will find in any other book on the planet, unless someone decides to copy me.

This is one of the many things I learned along the way that helped me in the healing process, a tool, a process that was not available anywhere else, but that I discovered through research and soul searching. It's fascinating, it's amazing and I believe it has the potential to revolutionize Childhood Trauma Healing process as well as Codependency Recovery. This is powerful.

Learning to "Pull Yourself Inside" is a natural outflow of the healing process when you're on target and moving forward. I think it is akin to personal integration and it feels magnificent, although a bit awkward at first.

Pulling yourself inside is about capturing yourself, every part of yourself, parts you used to regularly, easily give away, and refunneling that good stuff back into yourself where it belongs. See how weird that sounds? I don't care. It's true! It's about taking your thoughts back. It's about taking your time back to use for yourself. It's about taking your energy back, your concern, your care and your compassion, it's about taking all that good stuff inside you that you used to give away to someone who wasn't emotionally available, or worse, who was abusive; and funneling those things back unto yourself where it always belongs.

This means that when you talk and connect with others, your focus is not on Sue Ellen, Bobby Sue or Bob Smith. No. Your focus is not external. You bring your focus back to you, no matter how awkward it feels.

There is a reason why so many of us in recovery focus externally... Firstly, you feel like your worth comes from the outside, not inside... and second, because it can be quite uncomfortable to focus on ourselves... It's because nobody ever focused on us before, not truly, not like this, and we don't know how to focus on ourselves.

• It's because we don't know who we are or what we're supposed to focus on. 

• It's because we don't want to be exposed and vulnerable, so we converse about other people's issues (or shall I say, we project our issues onto other people) so that our ego can keep its hands clean. 

• It's because religion has taught us that to be humble we must never think of ourselves. 

• It's because we're filled with shame and thinking of ourselves often triggers a bad feeling.

• It's because as children, in order to get approval, we had to focus externally to survive. 

• It's because we don't know any other way. 

• It's because our brains were conditioned early-on to abandon ourselves and focus on others.

• It's because we think that we focus on ourselves a lot, but in actuality, our primary focus is on others. 

The problem is, when we're focusing on other people, when we're blaming instead of taking ownership, then we are just delaying our own progress. We cannot get ahead if we stay stuck on the merry-go-round of denial, blame and projection. It's not possible. In order to heal, in order to transform, in order to grow, in order to get to the next level mentally and emotionally, we must deal with the truth. We must be friendly with the facts. We must focus on ourselves.

There are many ways to pull yourself inside. Any of the following techniques are extremely helpful and represent some ways I've discovered to pull myself inside. Perhaps you have your own way. Perhaps some of these ways that work for me won't work for you. That's okay. The point is, making a concentrated, FOCUSED EFFORT to pull your affect inward, toward yourself.

Focused Effort

• Refocusing your thoughts ONTO YOURSELF.
• Refocusing your conversations ONTO YOURSELF. (Not being selfish, just not talking about the problems of other people--you can do nothing about those people... also steering clear of too much data and 'intellectualizing.')
• Refocusing your actions ONTO YOURSELF. (Not saying to disregard responsibility, but rather, take more time out to do things to your benefit, especially if you're over-concerned with doing for other people most of the time.) 

Focused effort means to catch yourself when you feel yourself slipping away toward external control.

• This means, catching yourself when you're day dreaming about that awful relationship, telling yourself that it really wasn't so bad.
• This means catching yourself when you're crying about a past relationship. (Shouldn't you be thinking about yourself?)
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you find that you're focusing on someone elses issues.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you take too much time dwaddling when you promised yourself you would spend time on yourself.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you're worried about whether someone likes you or not, whether they approve of you.
• This means catching yourself and redirecting your thoughts when you're working non-stop and not taking any breaks.

 The process of pulling yourself inside is just that. A process. It takes time to strengthen your neural pathways in your brain to make this process a habit, but eventually, it will become more natural for you to center on yourself than outside parties. The payoff is that you have a place from which to start to build your new identity, that of a "Healed Person," and write a new story for how your life will go from now on. Granted, your new space inside your own heart may feel bland and empty right now, but pretty soon I'm going to walk you through the process of decorating your inner life with things such as gratitude, compassion, beauty, knowledge, wisdom and love.