Some of Them Want to Use You

Allowing yourself to be exploited is a tragedy. It hurts you in more ways than you realize. It damages your heart, kills your self esteem and sucks away precious energy that could be better used moving you forward. You are not an object, though being used makes you feel like one. If you've ever felt like people take advantage of you, then read this article. I think it may help you stop the destructive relationship patterns and choices that leave you feeling devalued.

When I say "exploited," I'm talking about allowing yourself to be treated in a manner that is undignified in any way by any person, group or entity. Undignified treatment is that which strips you of your dignity, devalues you, disrespects your feelings, your time, your resources or worse.

You know the song, "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics?

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.

If you were subjected to devaluing treatment growing up, then you were likely made vulnerable to abusers by being starved for emotional connection at home. 

Exploitation has parts

1. Lack of Self
2. Lack of Awareness
3. Lack of Validation
4. Lack of Assertion
5. Lack of Ability

These 5 Lacks

Exploitation occurs in the area of lack of the one being exploited. 

1. Lack of Self
Without a strong sense of self, it is difficult to know how you feel. If you don't know how you feel, your wires are crossed. You may feel upset about poor treatment, but not be able to express your feelings moderately. You may project your feelings, repress, deny or ignore what's really going on, all the while walking as a lamb to slaughter into the hands of a wolf in sheep's clothing.

2. Lack of Awareness 
You are unaware of the warning signs of abuse or mistreatment. Maybe devaluation is comfortable for you. Maybe you were devalued as a child. Maybe you continue to devalue yourself today with the help of your inner critic? Whatever the reason, when someone abuses you, you may not notice it as abuse, setting yourself up for further abuse. 

3. Lack of Validation
If you were not validated properly as a child, then you are probably not validating yourself properly now. Validation is very important, although many families are wholly invalidating. An atmosphere of invalidation of ones feelings and reality leads to a sense of worthlessness.

4. Lack of Assertion
If you were not validated and taught your value as a child, then you will not have the ability to stand up for yourself as an adult. You may not know your rights as a person and you may not even know how you feel. In order to prevent yourself from being used, you must set boundaries that are firm and certain. You must enforce consequences to those who do not respect your limitations.

5. Lack of Power
If you lack the ability to know how to get your needs met, you will end up being needy. A needy person is excellent prey for the exploitative person who wants to use you. The truth is that you don't have to be needy. You have the ability to get your needs met; you may just not realize that you do. If you feel you have needs that you cannot seem to get met on your own, go to a therapist and talk this out. Do whatever you have to do to come to terms with your own power.

You do not deserve to be used. You are a person who is valuable and worthy of respect. You deserve to be treated well. You are worthy of honor, and you owe it to yourself to keep your dignity and not allow yourself to be used and exploited for any reason. Take time to work on yourself. Take time to learn why it is that you're attracted to unscrupulous people (if you are), and get out of the cycle of abuse with mean people. You are beautiful--it's your time to shine.

Relationship Tip #28 - Is Your Date a Player? Is he just looking for sex?

Relationship Tip #28 - Is Your Date a Player? Is he just looking for sex?

By Carolyn Bushong

1. Does he say he's just looking for a friend or a good time or a casual date?
   Interpretation: Often he means: "I don't want a relationship, just casual sex." Tell him you that being friends first is great, but ultimately you want a long-term relationship, & that if he doesn't you don't really want to go out with him.
2. Is he too focused on you physically (your description or full body shot if online)?
   Interpretation: He can't see past that & isn't really interested in anything else. Tell him you agree that there needs to be honesty about looks, but that he seems a little too focused on that for you.
3. Does he use racy language or want to share sexual histories or want to know what turns you on in bed.
   Interpretation: Someone who talks about sex wants to have sex and is testing you to see how comfortable you are with the come-ons. If you allow it, he will assume that it will happen soon.
4. Does he suggest you watch a movie at his house or yours?
   Interpretation: "Forget the getting to know each other part, let's get on with it!" Let him know that coming to his place seems inappropriate at this stage of the game and that dinner and drinks (each driving their own car) sounds much better.
5. Does he ask you to meet him late at night (after 9pm)?
   Interpretation: "Let's skip the dinner and drinks and get to the good and inexpensive part of the date." Just say no and say you'd rather get together when you can meet after work or at least by 7pm.
6. Does he call and try to get together last minute?
   Interpretation: He's disrespectful of your time, self-involved, and probably horny. Just say, "Sorry, but I could make plans with you for a different night, but I need to know ahead of time. Shall we plan something now for later?"
7. Does he look you in the eye, or at your chest and/or other body parts?
   Interpretation: He knows what he wants, and it's not romance. Just see this as a clue and try to direct him to any topic except sex.
8. Does he try to rush it, wanting to get together before you've had a chance to talk on the phone and get to know each other? Does he want to get together several nights in a row or spend a long weekend together?
   Interpretation: He's impatient and thinks, "Let's get to know each other quickly so we can get to the important part." Let him know you want to take it slow, meeting once and waiting a week or so to get together again

A PLAYER is someone who is in the game because he loves the game of "conquest." When dealing with a player, be sure you don't play along. Don't let him rush you, or be suggestive, or act inappropriately, as he will take advantage of the situation and you will end up angry at yourself that you fell for it. It being that he was very interested in you, not just in the sex. Taking it slow is the only way to be sure he's not a player!

Who Should You Trust? By Natalie Lue

Here are some great articles about Trust from Ms Natalie Lue. I love her writings, they always hit me right in the center of the nose.

The Circle of Trust 
Do you know who’s in yours & why? Are you even inside your own circle?

I love this piece that Natalie did. I have 100s of such diagrams that I created with marker. Maybe I will get a little more fancy some day... 

"If you put others before you it means that you're either outside of your own circle or that you're in it but not in the centre - that is a big problem. Remember that when you neglect you, any 'ole body can come along with a crumb and between you and this person it will be inflated into a loaf because it will appear to be more than you're already giving to you." ~ Nat Lue

“Help! I’m scared of trusting!” Relax! There’s no need to be so ‘tight’ with trust!

Debit and Credit Trust System   

"You need to address your own relationship with you first because I’m yet to come across anybody who distrusts themselves that’s able to healthily trust others. They either trust blindly and do the equivalent of handing themselves over lock and key to a stranger and jumping into a pool of sharks or they struggle to trust and don’t seem to be able to differentiate between fear and knowledge or internal fear VS external fear."

"Learning how to trust others and use your judgement also means that you need to clear out all of the blame you’ve been taking on because when you tend to engage in the It’s All About Me and One False Move mentalities, you tend to gauge a situation and find a way to make you at fault for it. This makes it very difficult to trust because you’re hardly going to want to add more problems to your ever increasing list of crimes you haven’t actually committed."

"From when you meet a person on day zero, they begin to unfold. Anything you think they are initially is an impression, not who they are, because who someone is, is based on experience of them. They’ll either live up to or even exceed this impression… or miss it. That’s nothing to be afraid of because dating or just getting to know any person is a discovery phase that irrespective of the outcome, it’s an experience that can enrich or help you in some way. As long as you’re not expecting to instantly know someone or to ‘know’ them without actually truly knowing them, or claiming to ‘know’ them based on superficial BS, what you will be expecting is that it will take time before you’re going to get to know someone so you won’t have unrealistic expectations or be surprised by information that was always there but ignored. If you trust you to do your due diligence and not live in la-la land, anything that does come your way, you’ll handle it. Believe you."