Disconnection Is Rejection

Disconnection. What is it? I know it feels awful. I know it feels awkward. I know it feels off. I just had a difficult time figuring out exactly what it is. Until now.

What rule does it break? Something that hurt me so many times from different people throughout my life needed to have a rule... but there was nothing, so for years I suffered in silence through the neglectful disconnection I received from countless others without being able to put my finger on what was wrong.

Whenever you are neglected emotionally as a child, you become an adult who is missing a lot of things. You are missing key components of relationship interactions. A neglected child is a child who didn't have the back-and-forth interaction that a normal healthy child gets to have, so he or she doesn't learn what is good, bad, right or wrong, upside down or right side up. So much is confusing. Neglect causes an adult to be clueless in relationships, not knowing what is good and/or bad treatment. Such a deficient upbringing causes one to lean towards maltreatment. It's like an airplane with a GPS out of whack. Inevitably you end up crashing into an abusive relationship and feeling the pain of being burned alive inside.

And, if you are like I was, you blame yourself for the crash which makes it hurt even worse. You take all the blame and feel shamed for what? You don't really know. All you know is that you are upside down, feeling bad from a situation or interaction and you don't know what this person did to cause such devastation. You can't name it, so you figure the problem is with you. You don't for a moment think that there is something disrespectful about the engagement. Something that the other person should or should not be doing that you need him or her to do. You don't know what you need or what they didn't do that you need so you blame/shame yourself.

Even trying to explain this--disconnection--in relationship is devilishly hard, but I'm trying. I feel it, but have to blog around it to express the core of how it's wrong. 

It could be something as small as an unanswered text, a rejecting comment, a misunderstanding that was never made straight. A yawn. Selective memory. Here's a list of disconnections that I've noticed:

Friend who doesn't track you 

Have you ever had a friend who pops into your life, once a week, once a month, once a year and acts like your best buddy, but doesn't bother to ask how you're doing any other time?  Or fails to ask about that death in your family, or the new job you just landed? There is no continuation with this friend and you feel it, but you can't put your finger on it. Like a movie that has big chunks of the story line missing. You're close enough to warrant tracking. After all, when you are with this friend, you feel love and happiness, but when you part ways to live your life, it's like you disappear from their lives.  A text to them gets a nil response, as if they want you to go away. This hurts, but you may feel like you're too needy--or maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to go? No, that doesn't work for me.

Tracking is a respectful way to show that you respect and love another person. It is a skill that can be learned, and when it is not used, it can leave the receiver feeling badly and disconnected. This is not okay. It's not okay to engage continually with someone who fails to track you. I understand some people may have their own issues--but still, it's important for your own psychological well being to be around people who connect with you in a healthy way, and don't drop you like it's hot in between your face-to-face interactions. Does that make sense?

The therapist who doesn't remember that a dog bit you a few weeks ago

Yes, this actually happened to me. I was going to this therapist and she kept forgetting every day information that I was sharing during session. Like the time I went to list a house and the chiuahuah bit me and drew blood. I was sharing how happy I was to have set a boundary and stayed in the bathroom until they picked the dog up--but that's another story...

This therapist! She had great credentials. She went to Columbia University for Freud's sake! She wasn't tracking me by remembering my life. I didn't realize this was happening at the time. I didn't realize that this process of her forgetting things, and me reminding her, and me not being offended by this behavior--because it wasn't on my radar-- I didn't realize that this is VERY RUDE. It is a huge sign of disrespect. It was a covert way for her to establish superiority over me.

Instead of calling her out, setting a boundary and showing her that I have a right to exist, I went along meekly, while helping her out by repeating myself each session to catch up her memory. I actually went out of my way to MEET HER NEED TO forget about my life for which I was paying her healthily to help me process. My point is, if someone doesn't remember things about you, set a boundary or as in my case, get the hell out before things get worse.

Texts that say, "Hope you're having a good day!!!" 

Someone who texts you every day things like, "Hope you're having a good day!!!" is not someone interested in really getting to know you. That sentence is so vague. It would be wonderful if a close friend sent it to you, knowing that you will get together and talk more soon... but for someone to  randomly send these types of texts without asking you how you're doing, what you're doing and what's important to you--this is disconnection. This is a disconnected transaction. It doesn't work and it doesn't feel good. When people do this to you, notice it. It's not a good sign. Maybe they have their own issues, but you don't have time to disconnect with someone all the time.

You have a life threatening accident and they don't nurture you afterwards.

Let's say you have a life or death situation in which you are left recovering. Let's say that this person that you love and adore never bothers to call or ask you about your health ever again past day one. This is disconnecting behavior. It's as though you don't exist. It's as though your needs for nurture, care, concern, understanding, acceptance, affection, appreciation don't exist. And if you were neglected as a child, you don't even notice this behavior in others because it fits along with how you were raised. You know you hurt for some reason, but you don't know who did it--and you don't address the error with the loved one because you don't even know it occurred.

But then you grow and heal and learn that YOU MATTER and YOU HAVE RIGHTS in relationships!!!  You are supposed to expect to get your needs met equally. Whew! You realize that your loved one has been overlooking your needs for years, all the while you've been the servant without complaint; paying a debt you thought you owed. That's when you have to set a big boundary and remind your loved ones that you have a right to exist and that you have new expectations for your relationship. Respect or walk is what I say.

The friend who won't validate you.

Have you ever had a friend or family member, or spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend who refuses to validate you, give you compliments or affirm you? Like you'll be going through a hard time and start talking yourself into a frenzy, pumping yourself up saying, "but I can do this!!!" and they're sitting right next to you and their body language says they disagree. Their message to you is... "I don't support you." It's the worst feeling ever.

I didn't realize that this is disrespectful towards me. Invalidation. When someone fails to back me up, verify what I'm saying, support me with kindness. This is disrespect and unacceptable. It's covert abuse because you can't put your finger on what they're doing to you. They're abusing you by what they're NOT saying, not by what they are saying, so you can't effectively set a boundary without giving them a lesson in psychology. "Invalidation is when you don't nod your head yes when I make a positive statement about myself or my situation or my future." They will totally feign ignorance and you feel like a fool.

And you feel like a fool. Less than. That's what happens when someone fails to back-you-up in those times. This is disconnection. You feel like you're doing something wrong, without realizing that it is the other person's issue. THEY ARE THE ONES who cannot stand to see your need for validation to be met. They won't give you one drop--especially the little drops in between where you can't catch them not giving it to you.

Why? Because if your friend were to validate you, stay connected with you, respect you, call you for a few days a little extra when you're sick, reach out to you in between times of being with you, answering your texts in a respectful and timely manner... if your friend would do this for you, it would meet your needs. Loving behavior and connecting is what meets our needs. They don't want to meet your needs because they don't want to give one drop. Some may not know how. Others are literally holding back in order to cripple you.

If your needs are met, and you feel connected, you feel safe, free, loved, happy and content. That's how we are supposed to feel in relationships. It's not supposed to be about power plays, superiority, less than, one-up, disconnection. It's supposed to be about LOVE AND RESPECT. And now that I've healed and I understand my own worth and value more fully, I can protect myself from people who do things that are disconnecting towards me. I can back-off the relationship, I can tend to myself, I can set boundaries and make choices as to where I will put my energy and concern. I can nurture relationships that are full of connection and protect myself from taking the blame for what I now can clearly see.

And day by day, month by month, year by year, I see a little clearly what I missed. I can fill in the spaces with self love and self respect, and ease my own pain. I can recognize disconnection for what it is, a form of rejection--no matter how sick or inept the person doing the harming. I can connect with others who are present enough to connect with me. I hope this helps.

You are worthy of acceptance, connection and protection.

Don't Give to a Taker

We can never give enough to satisfy the TAKER. It's just not possible. We irrationally believe that if we give, give, give, that one day the TAKER will be fixed and satisfied. Granted, this is a noble, selfless effort on our part--one we likely learned in childhood when we were vulnerable and helpless--however, this sacrifice is killing our own souls. We don't even get a thank you! Instead we are rejected by the Taker who loses respect and seeks another Giver to exploit. We must take our heads off the guillotine. We must stop ourselves from giving into the black hole of selfishness of any other person. We must reroute our time, attention, affection, concern and caring back to where it belongs. We must learn to GIVE to ourselves. We must take comfort in those who can give and take equally.

Jenna Ryan 

Core Wounds

Core wounds are wounds that occurred in childhood. These are wounds that happen when one is not tended to properly as a child through neglect, abuse or maltreatment. Parents can damage the core essence of their children without even knowing it. Some caretakers are deficit in their own needs and are unable to give to their child. In fact, the way our culture raises children leads to much core wounding among us all. Everyone has core wounds at some level--some have it worse than others.

The core wound is experienced as deep-level pain due to some unmet childhood development need.  This pain is triggered in current day situations when you encounter a similar situation or dynamic. It's the deep stuff that surfaces when you face difficult losses in life. It's the pain that is beneath the pain. The emotion that's fueling all emotions. It's the pain that drives one to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, shop or addictive relationships.

Core wounds include rejection, abandonment, betrayal, loss, injustice and the like. When our needs are not met as children, we experience the core wound and we experience toxic shame. We believe that because we were rejected or abandoned or that we lost a parent or a friend, that we are bad. We turn the external maltreatment internal and onto ourselves. The wound produces beliefs. These beliefs are what perpetuate the wound over and over and over until we die or the wound is healed.


People do anything to avoid their core wounds. Core wounds are the lie that says:

"You're not good enough."
"You're incompetent."
"Nobody loves you."
"You are worthless."

These voices in both your subconscious and conscious mind repeat over and over in myriad ways throughout your life unless they are healed. You will find yourself getting into scenarios again and again that prove your false beliefs to be true. Your core wounds are the fuel for false beliefs.

Healing the core wounds takes a lot of devastating work; much personal destruction and rebuilding. It is a painful process, but in the healing you find pieces of yourself you didn't know you needed. In the center of the core wound you find the parts of yourself that you needed in order to discontinue the wounding. These parts of you are frozen, blocked in a centrifuge of pain, shame, anger, rage, humiliation, rejection and self-hatred. This wound perpetuates itself like a cancer through your body, heart, soul and mind. This wound effects your perceptions, feelings, behaviors and life. The thing you need to protect you against this core wounding is located at the very center of the pain. The key to setting you free is found at the center of the wound. If you want healing, you have to go into the eye of the storm.

Rejecting Behavior in Relationships

One of the epiphanies discovered on my road to loving myself is how to steer clear of relationships that are harmful and that deplete my self esteem, sense of worth and self respect. As a child I grew up in an invalidating environment; this means that I wasn't accepted for who I am. When you grow up being rejected, you continue seeking out people who will reject you when you're an adult, until and unless you wake up and put a stop to old habits.

While blooming into a whole, complete, healed person, I slowly figured out what rejecting behavior is. I was so accustomed to being discounted, devalued, dismissed by my caretakers as a child, as an adult I didn't even realize I was being rejected when I was. All I knew was that I hurt inside, felt depressed and had low levels of self esteem.

I'm writing this article to encourage you, dear reader, if you're battling to love yourself and to grow into a whole and complete person with self acceptance. Below I list some indications of rejection from others, but first, let me say that YOU DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED. You do not deserve to be rejected in any way shape or form. You do not have to tolerate rejecting behavior of others. You are an adult today (if you're reading this, I assume) and you can take action to PROTECT yourself from rejection.

Rejection depletes your self esteem, makes you feel ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. Some people have very rejecting attitudes inside themselves about themselves, as well is about others. These are not bad people, per say, but they have toxic styles of relating which need to be remedied. If you love yourself you will require that everyone around you accept you for who you are, or else you will not stick around. You do have a choice. Always choose your dignity over a rejecting relationship.

Subtle Rejection

Rejection can be very subtle and sometimes covert. It's not always going to hit you upside the head. You will notice, however, when in the presence of a rejecting person, that you feel icky after being around them. When you feel uneasy about being around someone, there could be some undercurrent of rejection that you're not consciously aware of.

Mixed Messages

Rarely will you be wholly rejected by another person. Of course, all but those with zero self esteem will walk away from a relationship where you get nothing but rejection. Oftentimes a person who treats you with rejecting behavior will do so with mixed messages. IE: Come close, get away. This is a game that people play when they are insecure and fearful of intimacy, or have some psychological need to make themselves feel superior by putting you out.

If you grew up in a rejecting environment, you may also feel compelled to fix the opinion of someone who rejects you in adulthood as a way of repairing the wound that occurred when you were first rejected. This is what Freud calls the "Repetition Compulsion." This may cause you to seek out rejecting partners who will end up hurting you in the end. In fact, you may feel more comfortable with rejecting people than you do with those who accept you--that is if you are already rejecting yourself.

In fact, you would only tolerate rejecting behavior in others toward you if you already reject yourself in that same way. Rejecting behavior would feel bizarre and awkward to someone who loves and accepts herself or himself. The goal in growth and self love should be to feel it in your gut when someone is rejecting, cold and invalidating toward you. 

• Keeps records of your mistakes. Keeps them in one-up, superior position and looking down on you. 
  
• Refuses to listen to your truth. If someone refuses to listen to you, this is very rejecting behavior. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not flexible enough to hear things they don't want to hear from you.
  
• Runs hot and cold. See mixed messages. Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde Syndrome. One minute they're nice and sweet, the next their raging and insensitive.
  
• Does not consider your feelings. Does whatever they want without considering the impact to your feelings. This is rejection of your humanity when it is done continually despite you letting that person know that it hurts you.
  
• Blames you for everything. Does not take responsibility for their behavior. This is also rejecting of your humanity. No person is perfect. If they think they're perfect then you can bet they'll be projecting their imperfections they can't accept onto you--steer clear.
  
• Makes sarcastic comments about your life. A rejecting person looks down on you. You can tell by the little comments they make when you're expressing things about your life. They may make comments that make you feel like you have to prove yourself.
  
• Positions themselves as higher than you. A rejecting person wrongfully ranks others as greater or lesser than themselves. They may have a need to put you down as they use that to increase their self esteem, albeit temporarily. 

 

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment is a form of ignoring that people do to manipulate others into giving them what they want or doing what they want. It is a covert form of psychological and emotional abuse that is passive aggressive and leaves no mess for the perpetrator. When a person uses the Silent Treatment on you, it causes you to lose your self esteem.  If you find yourself reaching out to a friend, lover, parent, boss or anyone who ignores you or who withdraws from you chronically, you may be experiencing the abuse of the Silent Treatment.  

Silence pleads innocence whether it's innocent or not. It's easy for the abuser to deny any wrong doing or to make up excuses as to why they've gotten quiet. The Silent Treatment: When People Leave You Guessing.

This form of emotional abuse has the ability to humiliate and confuse the victim. "It is used most effectively by those in close relationship, such as a spouse, parent, or child. The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser."

The Silent Treatment is a Harmful Way to Get What You Want



This is an excerpt from "Types of Emotional Child Abuse" from "The Invisible Scar.com"

How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.

Giving the silent treatment.

“No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)

The abusive parent will withhold attention and affection until the child caves in and apologizes for whatever the abuser perceived as a slight or insult. Through a series of silent treatments, the abused child will learn to be silent, to be docile, to never speak against the parent—because if the child does, he will not be loved or spoken to or even acknowledged as a human being.
 

Outline of Personality Modes

I love this graphic! How helpful. Getting to know yourself, becoming aware of your different moods, thoughts, feelings and behaviors is the pathway to self love. This diagram stems from Transactional Analysis, a way of defining different modes and schemas that people follow when they've gone through hurt, pain and/or trauma in childhood, or been raised in any type of dysfunction. A great preface to this chart is the book, "Games People Play: Handbook of Transactional Analysis" by Eric Berne. Excellent book! I've read it a few times. Highly recommended.

Click on the images below to view larger...

5 Ways to Stay Open Despite Rejection

By Pam Garcy, PhD
My Inner Guide.com
 

Just sharing some midnight thoughts with you about how REBT-CBT can help you survive if you happen to live with a very open heart...Using REBT and CBT to live with a more open heart, despite rejection.

Have you ever extended yourself, made yourself vulnerable, and then been rejected by another?

As a child, one of my influences was the late Dr. Leo Buscaglia & I loved his messages about being willing to take risks & be open about love.  Once in a while, after listening to Leo on PBS and embarking on our weekly visit to Luby's, I'd even ask my mom if we could invite lonely looking strangers to sit at our lunch table so that the strangers wouldn’t have to be all alone. Sometimes she'd even let me & how glorious it was to make a new friend and decrease the loneliness of another!

Even still, as a supposedly more mature adult, my heart often & almost always directs me to be just a little bit more open & take those risks which I'd call living from my heart.

When we listen to this courageous part, we find that we can have a radically open hearts. Yet, even in the spirit of love, kindness, caring, and compassion, I have inner conflict about the topic.  For example, I recently cared so much about a client, and I really wanted to check on the person.  I had to turn inward and really ask, “Do I call this person, leave this message, send this e-mail?” 

I certainly want to be thoughtful about what I do. The logical part of me does not want to scare another or do anything that could be deemed professionally inappropriate. I am fully aware that it is a privilege to be someone’s therapist, not a right & everyone is different.

But, within these boundaries, I find that the general pattern of my self-direction would be to say “yes” when it comes to me to extending myself in a loving, warm, open, and often expressive fashion. This open-book transparency isn’t always cool to everyone, my friends tell me. And sometimes in the aftermath of my openness, my knowledge of REBT has led me to realize that I need to do some solid shame-attacking, to balance out the feeling like my heart was breaking!

So, how can one live with a very loving and open heart, knowing that not everyone desires to receive this?   REBT says to live without shame.  And the shameless answer is, “Love on and learn to live with rejection.”

Here are 5 things REBT teaches which will allow you to love on despite rejection:

1. You may label yourself as a reject when you get rejected. Just because someone rejected you, this doesn’t mean you are a reject–you are simply a person who has had an experience of being rejected. Avoid rating your entire personhood based upon what happens to you!

2. There are definitely many worse things than being rejected. Think about it, feeling unloved, being treated like you're goofy, or being ignored by someone you love; sometimes when you do what feels right to you, you can still get rejected, fail to get the love you want, end up being treated like a goof, or get ignored. If you avoid lableing this as awful, you’ll cut down the pain a lot. To anti-awfulize, remind yourself that there are so many worse things that could have happened to you & start dwelling on what is still good, right, and okay in your life.

3. You may say that you shouldn’t feel what you feel, but you do feel what you feel, therefore you actually should feel as you do. To clarify, of course you’d prefer to feel better, but you feel as you feel because you think as you do! Until you think differently, you will feel as you feel, so demanding that you feel differently won’t change how you feel; it’ll just make you feel worse. Accept how you feel and know that it is exactly fine for now. If you’d like to change it, work on your distorted thoughts.

4. If you’re still standing, then you can stand whatever it is you’re saying you can’t stand!

5. You may be really outwardly expressive & not receive that beautiful expression of your love in return from the person you expressed it to. This may provoke thoughts in you such as “no one loves you back”. First of all, how do you know that no one loves you back? Second of all, sometimes people are in different head-spaces and heart-spaces, so they can’t or won’t express their love back ever & often won’t express it back right when you want it. Third of all, are you ignoring evidence that there are those who have told you they love you back?

When you feel badly, you’re more likely to spit out cognitive distortions. This is called emotional reasoning by David Burns, M.D. You basically think worse of yourself when you already feel badly emotionally.

So, dear ones, keep this in mind, keep working on your distortions, and keep living with a full heart and open mind.

Love to you all,

Pam Garcy, PhD

My Inner Guide.com