Differentiation & Healing from Attachment Trauma

This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 

IT'S SUPER GOOD!!! 

"From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀
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Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀
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Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀
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1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀
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2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀
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3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀
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4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀
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5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀
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6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀
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7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀
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8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀
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9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀
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10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀
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11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀
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12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

Feel it to Heal It

Don't be afraid of the pain. Avoiding the pain in your heart does nothing but delay the inevitable. You are stronger than you think you are, and the pain is not as devastating as you think it is. If you'll just take the time to sit with yourself, to nurture yourself through the pain, you will find the most beautiful truth that is banging on the door of your heart. The pain you feel is a knock. Knock. Knock. There is something you should know. Something that will help you overcome. Something brilliant, beautiful and true on the other side of pain. Don't run. Don't hide. Don't medicate. Just accept, love yourself and allow yourself to be. It's your thoughts about the pain that make it so scary. Change your thoughts and embrace where you are--and things that were once really hard for you will become your greatest triumphs. Jenna Ryan

Invalidation

INVALIDATION is the root of codependency. Our true selves, our personal truth was not validated... If we want to heal we must REPARENT ourselves by validating ourselves instead of repeating the abuse that we received while our hearts were innocent and vulnerable... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse

This article contains my research on Invalidation

"Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it."

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. 


All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. 

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."
How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

• We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
• We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
• We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
• We are ignored
• We are judged
• We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.


Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)


Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

A person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.
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Validating / Invalidating  - Great article

"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it.  Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object." 


They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
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Linehan (1993a) investigates 'invalidating environments' and relates them to self injury.

"An invalidating environment is one in which communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, or extreme responses. In other words, the expression of private experiences is not validated; instead it is often punished and/or trivialized. The experience of painful emotions disregarded. The individual's interpretations of her own behavior, including the experience of the intents and motivations of the behavior, are dismissed..."

"When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage."

Addressing Invalidation with CBT

Unraveling: The 12 Steps to Healing From Childhood Trauma & Codependency

By Jenna Ryan

If you experienced trauma or abuse in childhood for any reason, you may realize that you have a mess on your hands. Hopefully there will come a time in your life when you are ready to heal. The following steps are of my own personal journey to healing, wholeness and self love. It is not easy, it is ongoing and must be conducted for each wound you hold in your heart. Steps 1-5 are the hardest and most painful, but once you get past these 5, you will be a different person.

It is within your own power to heal yourself. You have everything inside of YOU to get the job done. I hope these steps help you as they have changed my life.




1. Gain Self Awareness.

It is impossible to heal without a higher level of self awareness. This self awareness is gained through mindfulness. You must figure out your true feelings, wants, needs, desires, preferences and thoughts. You must get hold of who you are and why you do what you do. Self Awareness involves locating the toxic shame that holds you prisoner as well as getting in touch with your unresolved anger. The Self Awareness phase continues throughout the process. Step 1 also involves understanding that your life is a manifestation outside of what's going on with you inside. Like attracts like.

Hint: The tendency is to focus on other people, work, dating or anything else than getting to know yourself--this is the trauma speaking within you. You must resist the urge to abandon yourself and focus outside. You must pull yourself in and train your mind to concentrate on YOUR feelings, YOUR issues, YOUR needs, YOUR preferences. It's okay. It's not selfish. You have a deficit of self concern, even though you probably think you're the most selfish person in the world already. Don't listen to that voice. FOCUS ON YOU. Read: How to Pull Yourself Inside.

2. Come Out of the Fog.

The FOG is a child abuse recovery term for waking up to the truth of what happened to you as a child. This is common for Child Abuse Thrivers around 40 years of age. It's like a veil is lifted and you can see things as they really are for the first time. This process can be painful, but is also enlightening and ultimately one of the most freeing experiences you will encounter during the healing process. Prior to coming out of the FOG, you will most likely be in some state of misery, perpetual abuse and denial.

3. Locate ORIGINAL WOUND(S).

Figure out the real reason you are repeating the same emotional cycles. The answers are inside of you. Those of us who were abused as children, or who were neglected or otherwise failed to get our developmental needs met experience the same scenes over and over throughout our life, as if we're trying to right wrongs of the past. We must step outside of today and realize that what's happening now is actually a projection of your emotions from childhood. You are actually attracting the same abuse from others until you deal with the original source of the abuse.


4. Release ORIGINAL EMOTIONS.

Allow yourself to experience your repressed emotions that occurred as a result of the wound.  (See Healing Frozen Feelings & Blocked Emotions)


5. Grieve the Loss from the ORIGINAL WOUND.

You must allow yourself to fully grieve the losses from not receiving the time, attention, affection and direction you would have gotten had your family of origin been fully healed themselves. Grieving emotional losses is like grieving a death; it's the same process. Completing Step 5 is the Key to being able to easily and effortlessly complete Step 8.

6. Experience Healthy Connection.

Step 6 is done throughout each of these steps. It's important to stay connected to a trusted person throughout the healing process, though I've done a lot of my healing on my own, so it can be done. We humans are created to connect with one another. We are all connected, but when you experienced a traumatic childhood, you may have difficulty trusting, giving and receiving in a healthy relationship. In order to heal, you must share your pain and resolutions with an empathetic other, whether that is a therapist, sponsor or trusted friend. The importance of finding the right person for this job cannot be over-stressed. Step 6 also involves staying connected to mentors, writers, blogs, forums online and support groups. It's all about staying connected and sharing your inner world with another or others.

7. Reparent Yourself.

You must reparent your inner child through techniques such as self care, self talk and self soothing. Reparenting also occurs during the transference process of therapy. 

8. Detach from External Locus.

You must learn how to detach from external measures of worth. It is impossible to detach, however, if you have not completed Steps 2 and 3 related to each individual wound. If you find that you are having difficulty detaching from present circumstances and relationships, that is a sign that you need to use Step 1 to go back and do more work on Step 5. Step 8 includes resolving addictions to people, places or things. Once you DETACH, you will need something to ATTACH to inside your own heart, and that's where Step 12 comes in handy.

9. Re-Compute Negative Core Beliefs.

Step 9 is about rethinking the negative core beliefs, that is, the lies you believed about yourself as a result of the wounding. The truth is that you are pure love, your essence is truth. Anything that you believe contrary to the fact that you are pure love causes perpetual wounding. This is a gift of knowledge that I received on my own without the aid of another. You learn so much about your capabilities through the healing process, the wisdom you gain is almost worth the lifetime of pain you endured up until now... It's incredible, this journey!

10. Clear Away Resentment. 

 Clear away resentment through forgiveness, but only AFTER you have completed Steps 1-9. Doing this step too early can delay your progress big time.

11. Reprogram Your Mind.

You must reprogram your mind to think differently and take different actions than you've taken all your life in relation to the wounding. This is an ongoing process that can be painstaking and takes time, but is the way to get the best results. 

12. Create a New Story.

Anchor / Fortify Your Beingness - Having come full circle, you are now ready to anchor, attach and bond internally. During this step you will be able to fully connect with God, or your higher power. Visualization can be used at this stage to build a new identity, one that is weighted with your own love and which includes a recognition of your value. It's the most beautiful step as you are getting in touch with your truth, your beauty and your inner wisdom.

Once you complete these steps FOR EACH WOUND in your heart, you will be a completely different person. Your shame will be greatly reduced, you will be capable of living authentically, capable of intimacy, integrated with who you really are and you will love yourself like you never dreamed possible.

Leave me a comment to let me know how this article has helped you. I really love hearing from you!