Part 2: 100 Ways to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

Part 1: Losing Yourself in Relationship

Losing yourself sucks. Believe me, I know. I've lost myself by following my own whims... Finding yourself is much better. Once you do find yourself, make sure you never again do these things:

100 Ways to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

1. Idealizing your partner and thinking of him/her all the time, ignoring yourself. 
2. Trying to please your partner instead of standing your ground.
3. Bending your identity to become what you think your partner wants.
4. Letting hormones take over and letting your physical boundaries go too soon.
5. Trusting too much in someone who has not proven to be trustworthy yet.
6. Overlooking behavior that is abusive or unacceptable. 
7. Thinking wishfully about a future that is yet to be determined. 
8. Overthinking the relationship, making it the central concern of your life.
9. Thinking that a relationship will be the cure for all your problems. 
10. Allow him or her to manipulate you in any way.
11. Ignoring your own feelings, thoughts and beliefs while focusing on his or hers.
12. Fantasizing about how things could be instead of seeing what really is. 
13. Believing the lie that another person can make you happy.
14. Thinking too much about him or her, ignoring your own needs. 
15. Not speaking your truth for fear of rejection from the one you supposedly love. 
16. Failing to set boundaries with your lover which serve as markers for your identity. 
17. Willingness to go with the flow, ignoring your inner truth just to keep the peace. 
18. Allowing yourself to believe that this person is your world.
19. Failing to keep your own interests intact. 
20. Stop communicating with your friends.
21. Playing up all your shortcomings while pumping up that of the one you "love." 
22. Being afraid to make your partner angry for fear he or she will leave you. 
23. Not standing up for yourself. 
24. Needing approval from outside yourself.
25. Trying to get needs met by your partner that should have been met in childhood. 
26. Playing games with your partner by, playing the victim, persecutor or rescuer. 
27. Getting overly emotionally involved with your partner, not leaving anything left for you.
28. Competing with other people in your partners life, including exes. 
29. Changing for your partner.
30. Trying to change your partner. 
31. Trying to fix your partner. 
32. Trying to control your partner--attempting to make him or her love you. 
    
33. Holding on when you should be letting go.
34. Failing to detach as the natural ebb and flow of a healthy relationship requires.
35. Clinging onto your partner, following his or her every action. 
36. Being afraid you will lose your partner. 
37. Allowing yourself to become obsessed with the object of your affection.
38. Seeking your worth from the one that you love. 
39. Disengaging from your usual interests.
40. Doing every single thing together.
41. Spending every waking moment together. 
42. Sacrificing your values in order to stay in relationship. 
43. Being afraid to share your needs and wants. 
44. Not setting limits on the behavior or your love. 
45. Allowing your partner to abuse you without consequences. 
46. Being desperate. 
47. Thinking that you don't deserve this person.
48. Not loving yourself enough to stay strong, grounded and connected inside--to yourself. 
49. Avoiding topics of dissension with your partner, even those that are important to you. 
50. Expecting your partner to do all the thinking. 
51. Quitting your job and becoming financially dependent on your partner. 
52. Filling up your emptiness with your partner instead of learning from your own pain. 
53. Compromising your principals in order to make your partner happy.
54. Enabling your partner to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, etc...
55. Question everything you do. Ruminate about your so-called "mistakes."
56. Going along with whatever he or she says, even when you disagree.
57. Allowing your partner to tell you how you should feel, be or act. 
58. Tolerating useless criticism or rants that are hurtful to you. 
59. Ignoring rude behavior. 
60. Forgetting the things you used to love to do.
61. Thinking if you could just love that person enough, he would see that you are perfect. 
62. Thinking he or she has just never been loved, once they get a bit of your love, all is well. 
63. You make excuses for his or her bad attributes. 
64. You're dating a bad boy.
    
65. He's married.
66. You settled.
67. He/she keeps you sober. 
68. Keep on wanting him after he/she rejects you.
69. Keep thinking he/she is the best thing that ever happened to you in your life. 
70. Try to hide your flaws and appear perfect all the time. 
71. Beat yourself up (self talk) for always saying the wrong thing. 
72. Avoid expressing your dissenting opinion. 
73. Be afraid of them rejecting you and leaving you if you show your true self. 
74. Fear rejection. 
75. Hide your true self. 
76. Spend inordinate amounts of time scheming about how to get him to do something. 
77. Make every single waking thought about you involve him somehow. 
78. Try to relive the fantasy of receiving the unconditional love you never got. 
79. See his / her potential rather than their right here and now. 
80. Ignore red flags.
81. Always take the blame. 
82. Idolize him or her as if they are way above you.
83. Lie down and be a doormat. 
84. Let your world surround around his or her texts, voice mails or phone calls.
85. Make yourself 150% available at all times. 
86. Never disagree with him or make him mad. 
87. Spend time figuring out ways to be of value to his life. 
88. Stop thinking about what matters to you and start worrying about what he/she wants. 
89. Take him back no matter how many times he/she rejects you.
90. Beg him or her to stay.
91. Ask for nothing for yourself.
92. Give everything you've got. 
93. Have sex without commitment. 
94. Think that you're the lesser sex. 
95. Stop wearing red lipstick because he doesn't like it.
96. Cook, clean and do his laundry. 
97. Pretend you're smiling when inside you're dying. 
98. Ask him/her to tell you what you want. 
99. Fail to set limits.
100. Beat yourself up instead of taking your own side.

Society, our culture and our upbringing teaches us to be dependent upon a lover, as if we are nothing without someone else beside us. The truth is, you are nothing if you think you are nothing and that is it. We've been taught wrong. It is unhealthy to think that another person completes you. This mindset will lead you to the gutter of codependency and wicked badness. Don't go there. Learn to be a whole person first. Hold your own. Love yourself.  Rock the world. XO

No matter what, your relationship 

should always expand your life, not shrink it.

Lisa Firestone, PhD

Losing Yourself In Relationships

Do you ever lose site of who you are? Losing yourself involves the feeling of being swept-away. It's where sound mind leaves off and compulsion takes over. Years ago, I found myself wanting to disappear into a lover. I wanted to be married. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to escape, to no longer deal with the pain of my aloneness. I wanted someone to rescue me and make all the decisions for me. I was so out-of-touch with who I was, I wanted to hide in someone whom I felt was wiser than me. I willingly handed over the reigns to him, forgoing self-responsibility, self care, self respect and along with it my dignity. It was easier for a while, but eventually the repercussions were a disaster. 

When you lose yourself in a romantic relationship, you tend to wake up one day saying, "Where am I?" You can find yourself living the life of someone else. No matter how hard you try to disappear and melt away into romantic bliss, one day you will inevitably wake up to find that you want yourself back. You may be like me--I had no other choice but to get myself back because he fell off a deep end. Once there was no one to tell me what to do, I had to take the reigns once again.

Getting yourself back can be arduous, as I learned through my divorce. The key is learning to hold onto yourself from the very beginning, and to never again allow your identity to be usurped for anyone, anything or any reason. You've got to be TRUE TO YOU. 

If you don't love yourself, it will be easy to lose your identity in your relationships with others, including your romantic relationships, friendships, acquaintances and even strangers. I've learned to love myself little-by-little through soul searching, reading, counseling and loving support of others. I've realized that it's a never-ending healing journey to become your true self... and that learning to love yourself involves staying connected with your truth at all times. Loving yourself means standing up for who YOU are, how YOU feel and what YOU need rather than bending without boundaries and pleasing others to gain approval.

This article has been brewing in my heart for more than a year now. I can't believe I'm finally writing it! Inspiration to write it came from my recent soul-searching, and also this statement by one of my favorite authors, Dr. Margaret Paul of "Inner Bonding." 

"How often do you take good care of yourself until you are around another person with whom you are in a relationship? How often do you disconnect from yourself and then hope to get love from another? You will feel abandoned whenever you disconnect from yourself, and the other person will feel pulled on to fill you up. Today, practice staying inwardly connected all day."

 I study much of Dr. Paul's work, and have found it to be very insightful, especially her concept of inner bonding, because in order to stay connected to yourself, that's exactly what you have to do! BOND INSIDE. You have to stop allowing your valuable love, time, attention and energy flow out of your heart and onto something else in hopes of getting what you need, and instead direct your own life-force, your thoughts, feelings, attachments into your own self. You must tap into your own life-source, your own God-likeness, your own Higher Power as your source for delight and well being.

There is no other way to be happy in this world other than to be happy within yourself. You can't lose yourself in relationships and come out okay. When you lose yourself, there is always dire consequences. You may feel relief from pain and agony in the short run, but in the long run, baby you will pay for ignoring your pain, and you'll pay again for running away. There are no shortcuts to healing and being whole. You have to go the hard way--by facing yourself, facing the pain and embracing what you see. You must accept yourself 100%. You must do the work of healing and recovery from the desire to want to melt into others.

Part 2: 100 Ways You Can Lose Yourself in Relationship


Part 3: 100 Ways to Hold Onto Yourself in Relationship

[coming soon]