Escape the Fog of Admiration

This is an article I'm reading as I delve into deeper healing with reference to idealization of others.

The vital need of each child is to be valued, seen and appreciated. When children are responded to with respect, love and joy, their sense of self and self-worth flourish. If this need is crushed, its unfulfilled anguish drives us into the fog of admiration. Either we turn into self-obsessed admiration-addicts that cannot tolerate in others thoughts and feelings that deviate from what we expect of them. Or we become devoted servants who believe that their life has meaning only when they bestow admiration upon those that crave it. Children's self-worth is crushed and their strength perverted into the coercion to please if they do not receive joyous appreciation. Parts, soaked with the anguish of being unwelcome and rejected since life's beginning, were silenced by other parts that want to protect us from this pain and buy into the corruption that admiration sustains relationships and grants a sense of worth. The experience of love is replaced by the compulsion to admire and the illusion that admiration endows us with love.

http://screamsfromchildhood.com/escape_admiration.html

Rewiring After Gaslighting

How to Deal with Insecure People

Healing Developmental Trauma

Every single word of this is valuable. Listen.

103 Things Codependents Don't Know

This article is a follow-up to all my articles on codependency and codependents, co-dependents and codependence. Use the search bar in the right column to see more terrific articles that will help you along your healing journey. 

1. Codependents don't know that all of their feelings are okay.
2. Codependents don't know how to feel their feelings moderately.
3. Codependents don't know they are detached from their feelings.
4. Codependents don't know that their feelings come out even though they're detached from their own feelings.
5. Codependents don't know that they project their unwanted, Shadow feelings onto others.
6. Codependents don't know that they blame others for the feelings that they have but will not recognize.
7. Codependents don't know how to let other people be where they are in their own process.
8. Codependents don't know that all the feelings are ok to have including mad, said, happy, angry, shame, guilt.
9. Codependents don't know that they are hiding your feelings from their self.
10. Codependents don't know that they can approve of and affirm themselves internally.
11. Codependents don't know where to draw the line between giving too much.
12. Codependents don't know where they stop and others begin. 
13. Codependents don't know how to appropriate blame in relationships. They either take too much or take too little.
14. Codependents don't know that other people cant read their minds.
15. Codependents don't know that they can't control other people by being extremely nice to them.
16. Codependents don't know when they're being manipulated or controlled.
17. Codependents often don't know when they're being used and abused.
18. Codependents don't know how to set boundaries.
19. Codependents don't know what their own values are.
20. Codependents don't realize when they are saving themselves.
21. Codependents don't really know what they need.
22. Codependents don't know how to face reality; they often don't know what reality is.
23. Codependents don't know what they deserve in life.
24. Codependents don't know how to have fun; they cope with life instead of living it.
25. Codependents don't know how to set limits on others.
26. Codependents don't know how to set limits on themselves and their contributions
27. Codependents don't know whenever they are care taking others excessively.
28. Codependents don't know it's okay to receive and not give all the time. 
29. Codependents do not realize they are being depleted of their energy because of their own over giving.
30. Co-dependents do not realize the value of their own energy.
31. Codependents do not know how to be interdependent.
32. Codependents do not know the difference between empowerment and victimization.
33. Codependents did not realize whenever they are blaming other people for their lack of responsibility on their own lives.
34. Codependents don't know that they take care of other people at times when they should be taking care of themselves.
35. Co-dependents don't know whenever they are crossing other people's boundaries.
36. Codependents don't know they are giving advice to people when things are none of their business.
37. Codependents don't know how to be there for a friend without trying to control them and help them and run their lives.
38. Co-dependents don't know how to let other people be who they are and learn in their own way.
39. Codependents don't know how to process their own emotions so they abandon themselves and focus on other people.
40. Codependents don't feel worthy of love on their own accord, just for being who they are; they feel they must pay other people for their love with making them happy, pleasing them and kind deeds.
41. Codependents don't know that they are lacking an internal boundary that would keep them from feeling over responsible for those around them.
42. Codependents don't know that their children have the right to make their own decisions without their approval.
43. Codependents don't know that they are being offensive when they give advice that's not requested.
44. Codependents do not know they are being manipulated in controlling to try to meet needs from others that they should be meeting on their own.
45. Codependents do not know how to have a normal conversation  because they feel responsible for making other people believe just like they do.
46. Codependents do not know that they are crazy without consensus of outside people about their own decisions.
47. Co-dependents don't know that you can be happy without the approval of others in all aspects of your life.
48. Co-dependents do not know where their responsibilities stops in relationships to others.
49. Co-dependents don't know where the healthy line is between self supporting and receiving support from others.
50. Co-dependents do not know how to support themselves emotionally.
51. Codependents do not know themselves.
52. Codependents do not know how to ask for help when it is appropriate.
53. Codependents do not know how to take care of themselves when they ask for help and it is not available from that single source. 
54. Co-dependents do not know how to feel free of Shame for the needs that they have.
55. Co-dependents do not know how to detach and let go of people so that they can own their own process.
56. Codependents do not know how to seek out healthy relationships that are nourishing to them.
57. Codependents do not know how to get out of relationships that are harmful to them.
58. Codependents do not know when they are being rigid and thinking in terms of black and white. 
59. Codependents do not know how to go inside themselves to find out how they feel what they think and what is best for them.
60. Codependents do not know how to listen to their own instincts and intuition.
61. Co-dependents do not realize when they are in a cycle of violence that continues to get worse.Co-dependents do not know how to protect themselves from harmful others.Codependence do not know how to love themselves.
62. Codependence do not know how to trust their own feelings of being taken advantage of.
63. Co-dependents don't know how to answer their own questions about their own lives.
64. Co-dependents don't know how to make your own decisions.
65. Codependents do not know how to dance to the music of Their Own Heart.
66. Codependents don't know how to love themselves unconditionally.
67. Codependents don't know how to love with no strings attached.
68. Codependents do not know how to be happy on their own.
69. Codependents do not know how to be happy without waiting on the next fix.
70. Co-dependents do not know that they are compulsive people Pleasers.
71. Co-dependents do not know that they do not need the approval from Outsiders to be ok.
72. Codependents do not know how to be themselves.
73. Co-dependents do not know that there is better relationships out there that do not require them to abandon themselves and sacrifice their own truth.
74. Co-dependents do not know that it's irritating to others to be taken care of too much.
75. Co-dependents do not know that it is okay for them to put their needs first in relationship with others.
76. Codependence do not know that they are controlling other people when they try to be too nice.
77. Codependence don't know that they are serving themselves whenever they try to be too nice to others.
    
78. Codependence don't know that their behaviour towards others invites disrespect.
79. Codependent don't know that they have the power at any moment to stand up for themselves and take care of themselves.
80. Codependence don't know that the pain they feel inside is not their fault but due to a toxic childhood.
81. Codependence don't know that they have the power to walk away at any time from any situation that does not serve them.
82. Codependence don't know that if they don't walk away from any situation that does not serve them that they are being depleted of their life energy, even though it may feel good to stay.
     
83. Codependence often do not know what it feels like to be treated with respect and dignity.
84. Codepents don't know they have a choice as to who they will allow in their lives.
85. Co-dependents don't know that they have the right to terminate relationships with anyone who is not treating them well.
86. Codependents don't know that they are in control of what they allow into their lives and how they allow others to treat them.
87. Co-dependents don't realize that they have options S2 what they prefer and how they prefer other people to treat them.
88. Codependents don't know that letting someone else have their own problems without trying to intervene is loving them.
89. Co-dependents don't know that it is not their job to fix other people.
90. Co-dependents don't know that other people are not responsible for making them happy or keeping them stable.
91. Co-dependents don't know that they have a right to speak up when they are not getting their needs met from their partner.
92. Codependence don't know that they are resentful when other people do not give back as much as they give.
93. Codependents do not know they are in denial about how badly they are being treated oftentimes.
94. Co-dependents do not know their part in the narcissistic dance. 
95. Co-dependents do not know that they are on the opposite color continuum of the narcissist and at the same energy level.
96. Codependent do not know that they are food for the narcissist, narcissistic supply.
97. Codependents do not know the difference between love and abuse.
98. Codependents do not know that they have the right to say no and not answer questions that are an invasion of their privacy.
99. Co-dependents do not know that they have a right to their own lives and their own privacy.
100. Codependents don't know how to fill the space between caretaking and self-care.
101. Codependents don't know that their lives are filled with toxic shame.
102. Codependents don't know how to listen to the negativity of the inner critic and override it with positive self-talk and reparenting.
103. Co-dependents don't know how to love others because they're too busy trying to get love from others by being good and helpful.

Shame Attacks by the Inner Critic

The Inner Critic is an internalized version of your IMAGO, in other words, an introject of all the negative messages you received as a child. The Inner Critic is your Super Ego, which is in place to keep you in line. As a child this Inner Critic was formed out of the voice of your primary caretakers towards you. If your caretakers were mean, abusive, abandoning and rejecting, then you have a very strong Inner Critic inside your that is filling you with toxic shame and impeding on your life in a major way. It's like that abusive person or people live inside you today, no matter how long it has been. This is how our minds develop. It is true that the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice.

This Inner Critic is subconscious the creator of the False Self. The False Self is created in effort to appease the primary caretakers in childhood, and to try to help you get the love, attention and direction you so desperately need as a child in order to survive. Your inner critic is shaped in the opposite shape as your primary caretaker. I have found that the Inner Critic serves the following toxic functions:

• Keep you striving for external sources of validation.
• Keep you striving to be perfect.
• Keep you trying to obtain  love from abusive sources like you had to do in childhood. 
• Keep your true self from emerging because your true self and true feelings were shamed into hiding when you were a child.
• Keep you in line so you won't be abused anymore and so you keep getting conditional love. 
• Keep the Fantasy Bond alive between you and your primary caretaker and any other relationships formed after this model.

Ways the Inner Critic Shows Up

The Inner Critic is the author of toxic shame. When the Inner Critic is activated, it causes you to feel toxic shame, which is the carried shame of the shamelessness of your abusive primary caretaker. The Inner Critic objectifies you and cuts-you-down if you don't meet it's relentless conditions and demands. If you were abused badly enough, the IC can make you feel guilty for your very existence.

• When you feel worthless, the Inner Critic is behind the scenes subconsciously telling you why you're worthless. (ie: you are a failure, you're overweight, you're a pig, you're stupid, you're an idiot, you're unlovable, etc...)
•  When you look at yourself in the mirror, the Inner Critic is the voice inside you that says, your posture is not perfect, you have chicken legs, you are ugly, no one will ever want to be seen with you...
• When you get into your car, the Inner Critic is the voice that says things such as: You're a loser because your breaks are squeaking, your car is dirty, why are you always such a mess? 
• When you cook dinner, it's the Inner Critic that says, why don't you give up, you know you can't cook, what an idiot you are! You forgot the salsa, your cooking stinks, and you suck.
• When you're getting into a new relationship, it's the Inner Critic that says, No one will ever want you, you're not hot enough for that girl, she is going to see the real you and run, you have nothing to offer.
• When you're going on a job interview, the Inner Critic is the one that tells you you're going to fail, makes you feel anxious and spill the coffee on your tie. 

The Inner Critic is EVERYWHERE!!! It is the shaming voice that tells you to do something, then chides you for doing what it told you to do 2 minutes later. The Inner Critic is a voice that's trying to keep you in line, keep you in the bounds of the conditional love that you received in childhood. Just because you grow up doesn't mean it goes away. If you were raised in an abusive, neglectful, disrespectful and abandoning environment, this Inner Critic is alive and well inside you as an adult until you confront it and take it down with the power of unconditional love and acceptance. 

Ways to Dismantle the Inner Critic

1. Reparent yourself with positive self talk that incorporates unconditional love and self acceptance. 
2. Argue / answer the Inner Critic using logic.
3. Use logic to convince your Inner Child that the Inner Critic is wrong. 
4. Remind your Inner Child that you are safe, that it is 2016 and that you have resources you didn't have as a child that you can use today.
5. Tell the Inner Critic to "Shut the F up."
6. Take up for yourself against the Inner Critic.
7. Use insight and inner awareness to recognize the places the Inner Critic hides so you can meet it using your adult intellect. 

Here are ways to talk yourself through shame attacks by the inner critic:

• Remind yourself that you have worth and value regardless of your mistakes.
• Gently talk to yourself in a kind, compassionate and self accepting way.
• Make positive affirmations on a daily basis about who you truly are.
• Catch the Inner Critic in the act and begin to separate the Real You from the False Self.
• Use art therapy to draw out the different facets of the Inner Critic in your life.
• Use anchoring techniques to anchor good, positive thoughts and feelings in place of the old, painful and negative thoughts and feelings of the IC.
• Re-arrange your memories of past abuse by imagining scenarios that workout in your favor.
• Get the help of an expert therapist to help you dismantle the IC.
• Write down all your self critical thoughts so you know what they are; answer these thoughts with the truth that you are worthy and valuable even though your car is dirty.
• Keep a journal of your negative thoughts so you know what you're dealing with.
• Do mirror work where you overcome the negative, self-defeating thought patterns about yourself with positive thoughts and feelings. 
• Practice meditative techniques to let thoughts pass you by without dwelling on them.
• Use thought stopping techniques to stop thinking those awful thoughts or to deal with it later. 

The Inner Critic is not your friend. It does not make you better. You are a better person when you love yourself unconditionally, when you're not shaming yourself but instead you are encouraging yourself that you are good enough. The truth is, the IC is outmoded. You don't need it anymore. You needed this introject in place as a child growing up in an abusive, harsh environment, but you don't need it today--in fact, today it causes you undue pain and hardship. The only way to get free of the pain of the IC is to dismantle it and love yourself unconditionally. 

Unconditional Self Love Melts Toxic Shame

This post is a collection of musings from my posts in my private Facebook group: SelfLoveU. 

Codependency is the absence of unconditional love and acceptance for self, an illness causing one to be dependent on external sources of approval in order to conditionally love oneself. This leads to people pleasing, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, addiction to sources of betrayal, etc... It is the seeking of external conditions to solve the riddle outside oneself, a riddle that can only be solved within by the power of unconditional self love. You are okay just as you are. It is okay to be human. It is okay to make mistakes. Unconditional love is the core of your beingness waiting patiently for you to own it.

Toxic energy that is pent up inside is released when it is confronted with unconditional love. Toxic shame is bred in conditional love, causing one to see flaws in self as life threatening (childlike thinking patterns). This birthing brings forth the false self, which is toxic shame and the root of codependency. The false self is built on lies. The false self is based on thinking patterns that cause one to try to earn worth, love, value by being right in the eyes of others. When this liar (the Inner Critic) is confronted with the truth--that you are loved in spite of your humanity, the false self fades. Unconditional love towards the self in your thought processes sets your authentic self free. You can relax, trust and let go.

It is self love to protect yourself with boundaries. Unconditional love does not imply open borders. Only by setting firm, but flexible boundaries can you protect the truth that is inside and love yourself unconditionally (align with source withing) and love others without judgment (as much as humanly possible). None are perfect, but all are loved is the ideal. That is the essence of unconditional love, that is, loving despite imperfections... it is not the allowing of boundary violations (which is unloving towards self).

Comparison is bred in conditional self hatred. Thinking you are better or less than others is toxic shame. Seeing yourself as equal, without volatile worth when outsiders are impressed or pleased, will soothe the inner conditions you set in effort to earn externally what can only come from inside.

Feelings of Worthlessness Reflect How You Were Treated

Chronic feelings of worthlessness do not reflect who you are, it reflects how you were treated as a child. You feel how you were treated in your source relationships, not who you are. When we were treated poorly as children, we internalize the abuse as a way to stay bonded to our caretakers and to survive. We feel it is our fault, we take the blame and become codependent as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of knowing our caretakers are incapable and do not love us. It's as simple as that. When you feel worthless, it is a reflection of how you were treated when your identity was being formed in childhood. The truth is, you are worthy. How others treat you does not make you bad; it makes their actions bad towards you. The real you underneath is as valuable as ever.

It is only by externalizing the internalized negative attitudes and projections of the original source relationships that we can heal and see the truth that we were innocent then, and are innocent now. It was not our fault that we were treated as worthless. It was not our fault that we were devalued. It was not our fault that we were neglected, ignored or abandoned. It was not our fault that we were beaten, shamed and abused. None of these actions were our fault, but we took everything on as if it were... we had to think our caretakers were like gods in order to survive. If we wish to thrive as adults, then we must reverse the logic of our childlike thinking, and see that it wasn't a reflection on who we are. The actions of those who hurt us as children reflect the character of the abusers, not the character of us as innocent children.

Unraveling this line of thoughts is liberating to the adult. When we can finally see who we really were, then we can begin to love ourselves. When we realize that we are not worthless, but rather, worthy of everything we deserve, we can begin to set better boundaries and make better choices to protect ourselves from abuse today.

You are valuable. You are worthy. Every feeling of unworthiness you feel today is unwarranted. Your unworthy feelings are just a reflection of how someone you loved, trusted and depended on treated you as though you were a worthless piece of trash. No, it wasn't on purpose. Your caretaker had their own issues and passed those onto you. The truth is, you matter and you belong on this planet. You have the right to stand up and take ownership of your humanity. You have a right to exist and be happy.

13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks by Pete Walker, M.A.

by Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

1. Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
   
2. Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
   
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
   
4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
   
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
   
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback]
   
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
     [a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
     [b] Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
     [c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
     [d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
     [e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.
   
8. Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing: [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism. [b] Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments
   
9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
   
10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
    
11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
    
12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
    
13. Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

>> More good articles on Pete-Walker.com

Developmental Dependency Needs

All humans have needs starting from the womb to the grave. If the core needs of a person are not met in childhood, that person will develop neurosis (codependency) or character disorders (narcissism).

These core needs must be met by an attuned caretaker. These core needs must be met externally because a child is not able to meet their own needs. They need help. If the caretaker is undeveloped or did not get their own core needs met in childhood, then that caretaker is ill-equipped to meet the needs of the child. This causes generational passing down of issues that often go unresolved. People with unmet childhood dependency needs are emotionally stunted at the age in which their needs were not met.

If any of your Developmental Dependency Needs were not met in childhood, you will experience a core  wound of toxic shame. Toxic shame becomes your identity which causes a profound level of emotional pain.

The damage caused by lack of nurture in childhood is similar to a bug in a computer program. It effects all other developmental milestones for the child. A child who receives inadequate care will grow into adulthood with arrested development, immature emotional and mental processing and crippling emotional pain that impacts every area of his life. The good news is that you can be healed of your neediness by dealing with the shame and taking care of yourself.

As an adult you can help yourself heal from the wounds caused by childhood neglect and abandonment. The first step is recognizing that you have needs that did not get met. The second step is to reparent yourself by meeting as many of those needs as an adult.

Here is a list of developmental dependency needs:

• The need to be mirrored for who you truly are by your primary care taker.
• The need to have a secure attachment bond with your primary care taker.
• The need to be soothed by your primary caretaker.
• The need to be answered by your primary caretaker if you cried out as a baby.
• The need to know that your primary caretaker will protect you and take care of you.
• The need for food, shelter, warmth and mothering. 
• The need for love, affection and food.
• The need for adequate feeding, watering, nourishing.
• The need for adequate cleaning.
• The need for maternal warmth.
• The need to feel wanted, included and as though you belong. 
• The need to be seen for who you truly are. 
• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be understood.
• The need for eye contact, expression of positive emotions by caretakers or loved ones
• The need for cuddling.
• The need for the fostering of emotional security. 
• The need to feel special, cherished, important.
• The need to feel competent, capable, powerful. 
• The need for acceptance.
• The need to feel safe.
• The need to feel loved.

 The meeting of these developmental dependency needs helps a child develop and form secure attachments with caregivers. If these basic needs were not met for you properly as a child, then you will have difficulty forming healthy relationships as an adult. The relationship you have with your primary caregiver in infancy forms your working model for all future relationships in your life. If you didn't get your needs met as a child, you will not be able to get your needs met as an adult, unless you heal and learn to meet your own needs.

These needs are most basic to a person's identity. If left unmet, these needs become wounds that generate toxic thoughts and feelings and turn yourself against yourself. If these needs are unmet, they will result in negative core beliefs, also called "schemas" about the self which effects every area of the person's life including mental functioning, emotions, relationships, work, play and physical health.

These developmental needs can be met in therapy by a trained therapist. You can also meet your own biological and social needs that were unmet in childhood as an adult through reparenting techniques, meditation, self-soothing and self-talk. Your spouse or partner can also help to meet some of your unmet childhood dependency needs.

A person who suffered abuse in childhood or any kind of dysfunctional childhood will likely have needs that went unmet. This is a problem that affects every walk of life. There are many hurting people with wounded hearts that we speak to and interact with every day. The best thing we can do is get ourselves healed so that we can be a light for others. 

Sources used for this article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependency_need
Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw

Betrayal Blindness

I wrote this on this video on youtube: Betrayal Blindness. It's a survival defense mechanism. Revictimization. Betrayal blindness causes "whoosh" symptom where you have selective attention only towards the good that these vampires do. You don't even NOTICE the red flags because your mind is wired for survival. This occurs because the narcissistically abused person is required as a child to attach to the very person who is abusing them.

Betrayal Blindness is Stockholm Syndrome, a trauma bond. In order to heal, the victim needs ego strength; he/she must get in touch with feeling, intuition and instincts indicative of abuse. They need to learn to trust the little twinge in their gut, the light pressure in their heart that would tell a healthy person that something is off. They need to learn to act on their own behalf and set boundaries against abusive others.

One of the keys to steering clear of the Narc is to expose the lies from childhood, grieve the losses and get in touch with themselves somatically through mindfulness and meditation. The one abused by the narcissist needs to unfold as a person because the narcissist parent has sabotaged their individuation process in an attempt to exploit them as an extension of themselves.

It's not the victim's fault. The victim just does what he or she can to survive as a child as not attaching to the abuser would lead to death for a child. As an adult we don't need anyone so badly, even though we were taught that we do. We can stand on our own and protect ourselves. It's hard to heal.

Good luck to you, Jenna

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html

Stockholm Syndrome - Belief by victims that survival depends on abuser. This creates emotional attachment. Reality distortion. Seeing abusers in a positive light. Existing in extreme state of dependence.

Betrayal blindness

http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

If the one who betrayed you was someone you trusted and you needed to rely on to grow up and develop, a primary attachment, then you will conveniently "forget" the betrayal, or what psychologist researchers call "betrayal amnesia."

We do not process the betrayal in the normal way. If we do process the betrayal in a normal way, it is a threat to our survival.

ME: I have found that my perceptions of my current life, my life as an adult are skewed by the events in my childhood. Therefore, if I have betrayal amnesia as a child, then I will continue to allow myself to be betrayed and to ignore behaviors that seem indicative of betrayal to a healthy person who did not experience the childhood betrayal trauma that I endured. 

I have proven this to myself numerous times throughout my healing and child abuse recovery process. As I heal and allow myself to feel my own blocked, repressed, frozen and projected emotions, which occurs as I face the wounds that occurred in childhood... as I reassess the situation from today's prospective and realize that the abuse was not my fault, was not an indication of my worth, but rather... that I place blame on the appropriate parties (my caretakers) whether they intended to abuse me or not... then I become aware of actions and behaviors of others towards me which mirror the original abusers actions but that are conducted by people in my present-day relationships. 

Basically, I attract abusive people, and I allow abusive people to come into my life--despite knowing the indicators of an abuser because I selectively "forget" such interactions just as I did in childhood. Once I process and integrate the abusive situations one-by-one, then I am able to see the truth not only of the original abuser(s), but also of people that I am in relationship with in my present every day reality. 

There is a "selective information processing" funnel going on in my mind where I disregard information that tells me that this person is highly likely to abuse me. I follow the conditioned pattern of childhood, where I was conditioned to ATTACH to the person who was abusing me in order to survive. I'm still adept at ATTACHING to abusive people even though I'm older now and I know better. The habitual patterns are deeply engrained. I am able to uncover said patterns only a bit at a time because the shattering of my spirit was so replete from multiple childhood abuses. 


These abuses occurred when I was dependent on people who were abusing me to survive. I had no other choice but to disregard the actions of abuse that happened to me. That is, to pretend like it wasn't happening. To pretend like they really did care about me. To pretend like they really did love me, even though all the evidence pointed to disregard, disrespect, disgust and disdain. 

http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/articles/freyd94.pdf

"If we process the betrayal in the normal way, then we will be motivated to stop interacting with the betrayer." Instead, we essentially need to ignore the betrayal."

The child must continue to please the abuser to inspire caregiving and attachment in order to survive. It would be dangerous for a child to withdraw from a caregiver she is dependent on. This threatens the very life of the child.

So I selectively forget and selectively ignore instances of abuse in my present relationships because I still have the fear of death lingering in me. My wounded child self believes it will die if it notices neglect, disregard, invalidation or other abuses both indirect and covert. 

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/useful-articles/trust-issues/
REMEMBER: Doubts are inner signals that you are not sure. You need to listen to them before making any decision.

Restoring trust in yourself allows you to become more self-reliant. This will reduce your dependency on others who may let you down or betray your trust. Also as you begin to trust yourself more, you will begin to trust others and trust in a better future.

When people react negatively to a victim's disclosure, notably by disbelieving and blaming the victim, this can compound the damage done by the assault.

https://books.google.com/books?id=00xQWxsmYwAC&pg=PT39&lpg=PT39&dq=betrayal+child+abuse+recovery&source=bl&ots=WrtoE9C7iP&sig=AcMz5IzxPvSkKj5FbLFpqbcl6nw&hl=en&sa=X&ei=4_PvVP6BJtPrggSc04HABQ&ved=0CE0Q6AEwCDgK#v=onepage&q&f=false

Blind to Betrayal

Betrayal sets victims up to be revictimized. - Mark Walker case, parole officer & rapist.
one way betrayal is so toxic. it sets up victims to be revictimized.

The victim displayed a frozen response during the abuse.


"natural reactions to betrayal are to withdraw or confront"

for the child, remaining blind to the betrayal in the first place eliminates the need to pretend.

parents are supposed to love and protect us

blind - confusion & darkness

unable to see, unwilling to see and understand

the need to trust is a powerful blinding agent

Ongoing betrayal can only occur when there is some deception that is undetected. Sometimes this is due to lack of information, but other times it's linked to betrayal blindness where one is aware of information but its presence is "whooshed away."

discovery of betrayal makes one aware that the world is not the same. Someone who was trusted is now considered unsafe. Betrayal has a fundamental impact on ones perception of reality.

throws you off balance. tips you over.

everything I know to be true is not true. insidious

"early betrayals make us think that we are crazy.

Me: distorts reality. distorts perceptions. wigs you out.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-j-birrell-and-jennifer-j-freyd/betrayal-blindness-how-an_b_3146159.html

Betrayal Blindness: How and Why We 'Whoosh' Away Knowledge of Betrayal in Relationships

The Drama Triangle

Here is the Drama Triangle which is a diagram of unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics.

The Drama Triangle The Three Rolls of Victimhood

 

 

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ ‘I was only trying to help!’

Does this familiar? If so, then you are in a game.

A game is an ongoing conversation between two people that ends with bad feelings for at least one of the participants.

Every person has a favourite game that they play out of awareness. The person will play the game repeatedly with different people and in different circumstances but the pattern will always be the same; the person will always end up with the same feeling at the end of the game.

Games are played from the positions of Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor.

Games are a substitute for real connection and true intimacy.

Should You Embrace Or Reject Your Inner Critic?

This is an excerpt of a blog comment I just wrote on a beautiful blog post. I thought it may be helpful for you. See original comment.  And please leave me a comment or send me a private message on the SelfLoveU Facebook Page telling me how this work is affecting you (I am the only one who sees it and your message will be confidential, unless you give me permission to share). I love hearing from you. It keeps me going.

Embrace the negative or eject it? I know it’s important that we embrace our whole selves, however, I feel that parts of us that are divided against the well being of the whole (even if they’re trying to protect us), should be kicked out, separated, banished, shoved against the wall, kicked to the moon.

That Imago Interject is the voice of the abuse. It’s insidious. When you are hurting inside and in pain because of something your subconscious is telling you… things you were taught about yourself as a child, under all the layers, keep repeating themselves over and over and repeating the trauma. We’re programmed to do it to ourselves. The pain our wounded child feels is the result of these false messages. It’s despair.

There is no power in despair. But, there is power in anger. Even the body response is different, more alert, upright and ready for action. Tapping into our anger inside against the false messages that are inside. Getting mad at the injustice our own hearts spew without conscious awareness. Standing up to the Inner Critic has helped me to access my own power and given me the ability to set boundaries within and without against criticism and conditional love.

My Inner Critic is never sad, confused or angry. It is just cognitively and constantly saying that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t go that deep, however, it wounds deep. My Inner Critic is not in my limbic, it’s in my Cerebral Cortex. It’s the judgment piece, which takes critical thinking, which is higher level, more cerebral than the wounds of my inner child (the emotional part).

I love the way Peter Walker, MA Psychotherapist explains how to deal with the inner critic. I’ve read it many, many times.

http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Once I started rebelling against the negative inner voices, I stopped hurting. There was no hurt in that area for the inner child to be hurt. It feels like I embraced the hurt not by holding onto it, but by kicking butt internally. Stopping the bleeding. Standing up to the Inner Critic has made all the difference. 1000s of little hurts, but one at a time.

Law of Attraction for Recovery

I posted this as a comment on the following blog post. Packing Up the Trauma. Wanted to share it because it captures a lot of my truth. I plan to do a video on LOA and Recovery soon...

"I see a clear vision of my healed self. I call it the Vortex. Abraham Hicks. Law of Attraction has had a huge impact on my recovery. Lists of positive aspects. Gratitude. Getting in touch with your desires and needs. Getting into the “feeling” place of what is wanted. HUGE. I now know I can have anything I want, and that my life is a manifestation of what is inside. That I am the creator of my reality. My feelings about things fuel my world and create what happens to me. If you can believe it, you can achieve it. If you’re not achieving it, it means you don’t believe it.

One must only focus on what is wanted, and allow abundance to flow. The resistance is the negative core beliefs–the wobble. Anything that is aligned with source is positive and good. When you feel negative emotion it is because you’re not aligned with source, in fact, this is a key indicator. Negative emotion is anti-source, anti-truth. For the truth is you are love and you are light. Unconditional love. And as child abuse survivors, our task is to remove the barriers to the truth that is within… If you don’t know where you’re going, you never get there… you are in default. Knowing what you want and getting into the vibrational match of it is the ultimate way to get out of the shell, in MHO."

Trauma Bonding, Betrayal Bonds & Stockholm Syndrom

Hold up y'all. Things are about to get real. As you know, I am a child abuse survivor and I've been through a lot of difficult times in my life. Thankfully I've worked hard and have attained a high level of healing, however, I will never forget where I came from or the path it took to get here. I will always remember and always have a soft spot for people who are stuck in abusive situations. My heart breaks for victims of abuse.

Here are typical questions of victims of abuse.

• This guy just spit on me. Why do I still want to be with him?
• This woman just cheated on me and still I can't find the strength to let her go.
• I hurt so badly. All I want to do is text or call him--even though he beats me up.

 These questions are hard-core. It's painful to even think for a moment that someone would actually want to protect someone who abuses them. Right? But it happens every day. It has happened to me too. Why? The answer is: TRAUMA BONDING.

Trauma Bonding, also known as Stockholm Syndrome and Betrayal Bonding is a phenomenon whereby a person who is abused BONDS WITH the abuser. It doesn't make sense does it? Very difficult to understand, however, this is a very common occurrence. My goal with this article is not to tell you about the Trauma Bond so much as to help you get released from the bond if you are in this situation, and to help you understand why you keep wanting to go back to someone who is an evil monster.

The more aware you are of how your mind works, the better equipped you are to make decisions in your best interest. The goal is to get away from the abusive person and never look back. The goal is to get out of bad relationships and get healthy so you can attract a healthy mate. The goal is to live a peaceful, calm, delicious life so that you can express your truth and live to your full potential. I believe this is possible for each and every one of us. Yes, even you. ((Hugs))

According to my research, here's what happens when you are abused (experience trauma):

• Trauma causes memory disturbances that reroute memories causing forgetfulness of what is really happening. Your mind goes into overload and starts processing things differently. You can dissociate (forget what is going on).
• Trauma causes your hormones to flow. Women produce Oxytocin after traumatic experiences. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone, thus, if a woman is abused, she will bond with her abuser.
• Trauma entails intermittent reinforcement meaning that the perpetrator is sometimes nice, sometimes abusive. This behavior is highly addictive and can cause the victim to become obsessed with the abuser. 
• Trauma can be a form of "repetition compulsion" whereby a person is trying to right the wrongs of childhood abuse, or who feels comfortable in abusive situations. 
• Trauma can cause "cognitive dissonance"

According to the theory of "traumatic bonding" by Dutton and Painter, powerful emotional attachments often develop from two features of abusive relationships: intermittent (sweet/mean cycle) reinforcement and power imbalance.

What To Do If I Feel Like Saying I'm Sorry All the Time [SelfLoveU Video Q&A]

Child Abuse Recovery, Validation & Support Practical Advice for Loving Yourself More http://facebook.com/SelfLoveU http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/






Send me your questions! I love hearing from you. Join our Facebook Page and send me a message. (((Hugs)))

True Self/False Self Playlist

Very good explanation of True Self/False Self.

Notes:

Stefan Molyneux from Free Domain Radio
False Self is part of yourself that has adapted to a threat. It is the "part of you that has adapted to threats but no longer recognizes the adaptation or the threat."

God's disapproval - Threat. Damnation by God to hell.

Spanking, beating, bed without supper

Requires kids to adapt. No greater disparity in power than between parent and child. If parent making threats, child must adapt to those threats. Out of fear, children surrender to abuse.

Begin the process of pretending that a threat is not a threat.

My parents hit me because I was such a mess. Changed threat into a necessary virtue. Adapting themselves to a threat and forgetting adaptation and threat. Conformed to good behavior. Not I conformed to a threat. (Basically, we're lying to ourselves.) 

Defense must be 100% if threat 100% - Causes the two to merge. Defense of immorality arises deep defense. Very hard to dislodge. Once the True Self 

Defenses so merged with attacker. Abuser internalize. Inner child cannot be recovered. Defense is terminal to True Self.  Our defenses hardened unless we work to break free.







 

How to Meditate to Connect with Your Core Self [SelfLoveU Video]

Feelings, heart, somatic experiencing, integration, mindfulness, breath, pain, release, growth, healing, love, present moment, presence, higher self, truth, core, wounded self, body scan, hypnosis, relaxation, wounded child, trauma recovery, child abuse recovery, codependency, addictions, relax, freedom, spaciousness, release, emotional pain, wounds, abuse recovery, chakra, heart, heartmath

Invalidation (SelfLoveU Video)

Narcissists & Their Partners: Unraveling the Bond (NPDRecovery Video)

This is a really good video explaining the ramifications of narcissistic abuse  in childhood and coming out of the FOG to seeing the truth.