Core Wounds

Core wounds are wounds that occurred in childhood. These are wounds that happen when one is not tended to properly as a child through neglect, abuse or maltreatment. Parents can damage the core essence of their children without even knowing it. Some caretakers are deficit in their own needs and are unable to give to their child. In fact, the way our culture raises children leads to much core wounding among us all. Everyone has core wounds at some level--some have it worse than others.

The core wound is experienced as deep-level pain due to some unmet childhood development need.  This pain is triggered in current day situations when you encounter a similar situation or dynamic. It's the deep stuff that surfaces when you face difficult losses in life. It's the pain that is beneath the pain. The emotion that's fueling all emotions. It's the pain that drives one to drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, shop or addictive relationships.

Core wounds include rejection, abandonment, betrayal, loss, injustice and the like. When our needs are not met as children, we experience the core wound and we experience toxic shame. We believe that because we were rejected or abandoned or that we lost a parent or a friend, that we are bad. We turn the external maltreatment internal and onto ourselves. The wound produces beliefs. These beliefs are what perpetuate the wound over and over and over until we die or the wound is healed.


People do anything to avoid their core wounds. Core wounds are the lie that says:

"You're not good enough."
"You're incompetent."
"Nobody loves you."
"You are worthless."

These voices in both your subconscious and conscious mind repeat over and over in myriad ways throughout your life unless they are healed. You will find yourself getting into scenarios again and again that prove your false beliefs to be true. Your core wounds are the fuel for false beliefs.

Healing the core wounds takes a lot of devastating work; much personal destruction and rebuilding. It is a painful process, but in the healing you find pieces of yourself you didn't know you needed. In the center of the core wound you find the parts of yourself that you needed in order to discontinue the wounding. These parts of you are frozen, blocked in a centrifuge of pain, shame, anger, rage, humiliation, rejection and self-hatred. This wound perpetuates itself like a cancer through your body, heart, soul and mind. This wound effects your perceptions, feelings, behaviors and life. The thing you need to protect you against this core wounding is located at the very center of the pain. The key to setting you free is found at the center of the wound. If you want healing, you have to go into the eye of the storm.

Feel it to Heal It

Don't be afraid of the pain. Avoiding the pain in your heart does nothing but delay the inevitable. You are stronger than you think you are, and the pain is not as devastating as you think it is. If you'll just take the time to sit with yourself, to nurture yourself through the pain, you will find the most beautiful truth that is banging on the door of your heart. The pain you feel is a knock. Knock. Knock. There is something you should know. Something that will help you overcome. Something brilliant, beautiful and true on the other side of pain. Don't run. Don't hide. Don't medicate. Just accept, love yourself and allow yourself to be. It's your thoughts about the pain that make it so scary. Change your thoughts and embrace where you are--and things that were once really hard for you will become your greatest triumphs. Jenna Ryan

Eckhart Tolle: Addiction

"Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to - alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person - you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain."

- Eckhart Tolle

5 Steps to Letting Go

My previous post, Let Go of Control talks about how codependency (an intimacy issue) causes one to try to control and manipulate people and situations in life in order to make up for a deficiency in oneself. This post discusses How to Let Go and move on to a more fulfilling life.

Letting go. Sounds easy, doesn't it? But sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. I've spent a lot of time healing and that requires letting go in heavy doses. What does it mean to let go? That's what I'd like to explore. Stay with me here.

Detachment is letting go. Trouble with detaching and letting go is something that codependents have in common. In a way, I think the root of codependency is the inability to let go of things that are outside of your control. Once you begin to heal, detachment becomes necessary and thankfully, with healing, letting go gets easier.  

Here are 5 Steps to Letting Go:

Step 1. Face Reality

If you find yourself hooked on someone, something or some outcome and having difficulty letting go and moving on, the first thing you need to do is face reality. Facing reality means that you look at the situation in its entirety, from broad perspective. You tell yourself the truth. You stop deluding yourself. You stop telling yourself that the person you're hung-up on really loves you--and start facing the fact that it doesn't matter who loves you if they're not giving you what you deserve.

Facing reality means facing that the guy you're in love with doesn't love you and that is okay. You can't wish something into being. There is no magic potion that will make things be exactly as you want it to be. You can't control other people. You don't need to. All you can do is face what's really happening in your life. You can't heal what you don't face.

Step 2. Grieve Your Loss

Any time you lose something in life, you need to grieve in order to heal and move on. When you have codependent tendencies, chances are you have things you need to grieve from your childhood that never healed. Oft times we hold onto people today who remind us of those who didn't meet our needs when we were little developing children. It's important to grieve all losses; to allow yourself to grieve fully. If the situation is tiny, you may only need to grieve a little. If the situation is big, you may need to grieve buckets of emotion. Holding onto pain is what you're doing when you don't go through the grieving process.

Grieving is the process of mourning your loss. It involves sadness, self compassion and tears. Holding onto someone or some desired outcome means that you won't allow yourself to grieve the loss. Grieving is hard and it hurts; sometimes we avoid this process and pretend things are not the way they really are. It's wise and self loving to go ahead and face your losses and grieve for what you no longer have, or in the case of deep inner healing, to grieve what you never had.

Grief has 5 different phases. It's what you feel when someone dies. That same process should be gone through when you have any loss in your life, or else you hold onto the pain of the loss and carry it around with you indefinitely. Better to get it over with. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Release the pain (negative emotion) so you can move forward and find meaning in life.  

Step 3. Process the Situation

Anyone who tells you to just move on is not being sensitive to your needs. As an emotional being, it's critical to process the situation in the proper light. You need to figure out what you think as a result of this loss. What are you telling yourself? 

Perhaps you are criticizing yourself for the loss. If you are abusing yourself through self criticism, this can cause even more pain for which you need to grieve. You need to come to terms with what's really going on and put everything in the proper category; in the right light. The friend who hurt you does not indicate that you are unworthy, it simply means that he or she is incapable of being sensitive to your needs. Or, the rejection you experienced has nothing to do with your worth at all. You are valuable, incredible and you have a huge life ahead of you. It's important to reframe the situation in a way that is self loving and based in the truth of who you are.

You may need a friend to talk to about the situation. Find someone supportive who will listen as you process rather than trying to offer solutions or shut you up. Processing loss is vital; you don't want to gloss over the thinking you have to do. Failing to process is like shutting down your computer without exiting out of all the open programs--it messes you up.

Step 4. Lean on Higher Power

Letting go and detaching is difficult if you are not tapped into your higher power, that is, God within you. You must be willing to go higher and ask God for help, and to allow that help to penetrate your daily life. You are loved more than you can imagine. Everything is working out for your good. Life is good to you and for you. You can trust that what you are letting go of is not needed for you. You can trust that everything that you need will come and that which you don't need won't stay. Trust that all is well and that what you don't have you don't need.

Step 5. Replacement

Lastly, once you've processed the real issue for what it is, reframed it and released the negative emotion through grief, you can work on the surface of the problem, and that is your thinking. If you are codependent in any way, you likely have habitual thoughts that are codependent in nature. In order to break out of the pattern of clinging to what's not yours, or holding onto what's no longer in your life, you have to replace those thoughts with better ones more conducive to your good.

Replacement is about filling up your thought life with thoughts that are beneficial to you. Codependents have a tendency to focus on other people. If you want to detach, you need to attach to something else--and that something needs to be YOU. Replace repetitive, compulsive thoughts that have you stuck with thoughts that serve to better Yourself. Detach outside, bond inside. Replace thoughts about others with thoughts about Yourself.

Replacement may involve self soothing, positive self talk, or it may involve getting busy with your own life, hobbies or career. You don't want to replace too soon--you must process, grieve and face reality--if you want to move forward as a whole healthy person. Once you're ready, you can begin to replace the old stuff that's moving out of your life with new stuff that's good for you.

Please note: You don't want to replace the old with more of the same. In the processing process, you LEARN FROM THE PAIN OF LETTING GO and start fresh with new knowledge, making better decisions along the way. Replacement is not repetition. Replacement is climbing the stairs; replacement is going higher to a better, stronger you.

Ending...

I hope this article is helpful. I've learned to detach in my life in things both big and small. My inner self, my inner guide helps me through the process. I constantly remind myself of what's mine to keep: ME, and what's mine to release: Not Mine. Letting go, releasing and detaching is a psychologically healthy thing to do and will bring much peace and joy to your life. Letting go and learning why what you were holding onto is not beneficial is an act of self love that is very hard at first, but gets easier with practice. Letting go honors Yourself and builds you up. You will be surprised to see how strong you are once you trust your higher power and let go of the need to cling and control.

Much love to you, my friend. XO

Repair with Gold

The Practice of Self Soothing

Self soothing is a practice that I found I was completely missing earlier in my life. What is it? Self soothing is more than just bubble baths, candles, journaling and yoga, though it can include those things. Self soothing is something much deeper and more personal; and perhaps one of the most important aspects of Self Love that you can foster yourself.

Self soothing is the ability to calm yourself down in moments of stress or intense emotions. It is your emotional barometer, your internal regulator that keeps you emotionally stable, balanced and effective in personal mood control and relationships. Without the ability to soothe yourself, you cannot tolerate much. If you don't have enough self soothing tools in your toolbox, your relationship with yourself and others will suffer.

Adequate self care is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships, and for keeping you secure as a person. You need to find ways to reconnect with yourself and recenter--regardless of what is going on around you. Think of self soothing as a baby sucking its thumb. It's a way to stay cool until mama gets her butt over here. For us, we need ways to soothe ourselves, to reassure ourselves as an escape from hard, intense emotions.

If you don't have adequate self soothing skills that are learned naturally through parenting in childhood, then you're going to have a difficult time in life. Symptoms of lacking this skill include cutting, addiction and even suicide. People who are severely depressed are likely missing this important self-nurturing capability. Thankfully, the process of self soothing can be learned and practiced.

There are many ways to practice self soothing. Relaxation techniques are soothing to the psyche, and all self soothing involves positive, nurturing self talk. I'm going to break down different ways you can self soothe both physically, emotionally and mentally.

Physical Self Soothing

• Bubble Baths, Massages, Spa, Sauna, Steam Room
• Exercise, Yoga, Cardio, Weight Training, Swimming
• Organizing, Cleaning, Decorating Your Home 
• Cooking Your Favorite Meal
• Relaxing by the Fire
• Home Improvement, Painting, Refinishing
• Art, Poetry, Blogging, Social Media 
• Calling a Friend, Socializing
• Joining a Support Group, Booking a Therapist
• Attending Concert or Show
• Going out of your way for yourself
• Singing, Karaoke
• Hobbies, Flying, Skydiving
• Spending time with Children

 Emotional Self Soothing

Emotional self soothing is a way to keep you balanced and regulates your emotions. 

• Positive Self Talk
• Reminding Yourself of Positive Things You Did This Morning
• Restating negative self opinions, correcting yourself 
• Planning your personal time for the week
• Planning your social activities for the week
• Embracing your inner child
• Speaking to yourself compassionately
• Doing shame reduction work
• Writing letters to those who hurt you
• Writing out your thoughts, Journaling
• Being with yourself through your pain
• Breath Work to get in touch with emotions
• Speaking to yourself with compassion 
• Reminding yourself how far you've come
• Facing reality, not allowing your emotions to go overboard

Mental Self Soothing 

Mental Self Soothing is soothing your intellect. I like to think of it as ways you help yourself succeed. 

• Reminding yourself of past accomplishments
• Directing yourself on the steps you need to take to reach your goal
• Organizing your day
• Listening or reading motivational content
• Social media 
• Reading spiritual texts
• Reading intellectual material, or excellent fiction
• Planning for the future
• Planning your career
• Reminding yourself that You. Can. Do. It! 
• Learning about mentors

 These activities are productive ways to soothe yourself day-to-day, moment-to-moment. If practiced, you will become more vibrant, whole and attuned to your own spirit. I'm sure there is much more to add, but my eyes are sleepy, so goodnight! Love to all. <3

"Rigidity is a form of self soothing when you are afraid of the unknown." dotJenna

Falling Deeply in Love with Yourself

I was taught that to love was to scoop yourself out, to give everything you have; to keep nothing for yourself. I didn't feel I deserved to keep my own love, my own respect, my own affection, my own admiration. I was taught that love is to give ALL OF YOU. Anything short of everything was nothing. I had nothing to offer, I had to give everything in order to pay the ransom for my existence.

When I met a man that I "loved," I would love whole-heartedly, with full abandon. Every waking moment was filled with thoughts of my beloved. This is different from the infactuation of a healthy person. No, granted, that's how it is labeled, but when you're a child of dysfunction, this stage is much more than limerance, though limerence is involved. This stage is total and complete giving over of self, esteem, worth, value--in essence, power. Your empty shell attaches to the fantasized version of another.

My boundaries would become nonexistent. The man's preferences would become my preferences, I would begin to mold myself around the man as if I were him, as if he were the center of me. If the man still stuck around after this level of my attachment, then, I would change as he preferred. If the man stayed an arms length away, which is what I always seemed to choose (must have preferred it that way...), then I would be in love-totally devoted beyond words--to a fantasy, a phantom person.

I gave myself up for free. I gave full, unabashed devotion, wishes, dreams, fantasies. I would then stay hung on this person for years, despite abusiveness. Nothing could stop me from longing, after all, without my love object, I was nothing. Without my love object, death was more welcoming because I did not exist.

No one is worth all this. No one in the world is worth this sort of devotion. No one. It is not until we wake up and realize what parts of ourselves we're giving away that we can begin to hold onto ourselves in relationship. At first, holding onto myself seemed like no fun. Holding onto myself seemed bland in comparison with the euphoria I felt when in fantasy-mode. The thought of holding onto myself, at first, felt like eating cardboard. No nourishment, no purpose, very depressing.

That's when I realized that the reason that holding onto myself was so bland is because I thought I had nothing to offer myself. Nothing. I didn't want to offer myself anything either. I found offering my love to myself was depressing, boring, senseless. Everything good and worthwhile was "out there." Just being present with myself took lots of practice.

Staying mindful of my feelings, emotions, sensations, thoughts, needs, wants, desires and preferences started opening the door to reconciliation with myself. I learned that I am a person inside. I have things going on inside my heart that needs tending to, screaming for none other's attention than my own. That I am not supposed to be looking outside myself for something to fill me up when all I've been doing is giving me away. 

In order to get this far, I had to learn a lot about psychology, and the way the ego works to protect the mind from emotional pain via cognitive defenses. I had to learn to look at scenarios in my life with my Wise Mind, the one that sees above my own defenses. I had to cultivate this aspect of my being, my very own inner-therapist to call me out on my own shit.

Tuning Into Your Emotional Originality

Another thing I had to do that was important for me to realize all this self-love stuff is to understand that the manifestations in my life were manifestations of what was inside of me. I had to stop living in the limited space of my limited consciousness, and start rising above to view my present emotional reality in terms of the original wounding. I had to understand that my longing for love, for the fulfillment of this fantasy-bond was wrought in childhood and had little to nothing to do with today. I had to learn to operate from the authentic place of originality. Anything less is a waste of time and energy, spinning your wheels, getting nowhere fast.

But when you understand how the emotional mind works, you understand that you are merely repeating patterns, like a software bug, or a record (remember record players) that has a scratch that keeps repeating the same verse over and over until you shut it off. That's how we are in our emotional lives, this especially extends to relationships. If, when you are growing up as a child, in development, and you do not get one of the developmental milestones accomplished, you will begin to repeat that milestone over and over until you get it right.

If you are experiencing a repetitive cycle of emotional turmoil and impossible relationship situations that are almost exactly the same, except with a different man or woman, then you can bet that there is a developmental milestone your psyche is trying to complete. Until you complete that milestone, you will be compelled to put yourself in situations that mirror the milestone you missed. (You know, the one that failed.)

Only you can help yourself now. The brain has been shown to be "plastic," that is, you can still learn until death. Brains can change. You can get your developmental needs met as an adult, in fact, the only person who can give you what you need is YOU.

There is a person on this earth who is better at meeting your needs than your mother and/or father. There is a person on this earth whose love you need more than anyone on the planet, even more than God.
There is a person on this earth who holds the power to heal your heart, mind and soul.

That person is YOU.


You hold the magic, the wisdom and the beauty of 100 lovers. There is not a love on earth that could surpass the magnificence of you. If you would take a moment to journey to this center, to this heart of you, through the pain, down the abyss, at the very bottom of it all, there you find the most magnificent glory, that which you've been missing all your life. That glory is you. You are pure love. A delight to behold. Precious.

No matter what happened to you, there is a part of you that still exists and is strong. It is a part of you that cannot be destroyed. It is a part of you that must be searched for and found in order for you to see it, but it is also a part of you that holds all your answers. It is a part of you that is deeper and more wise than all your present circumstances, than all your past mistakes. It is a love that surpasses anything you've ever known. Inside of your own heart there is reason to love. There is something left inside of you worthy of falling in love with that can never be given away.

It's yours, but you must journey to find it. The journey is long, hard, but well worth the trip. Once you find yourself and love yourself, nothing else will matter. Suddenly your boundaries will come into place, you won't allow yourself to be treated badly. You won't run after people who abuse you. You won't try to love others by fixing them.You won't hurt so badly anymore.

This treasure resides at the end of your rope. All the lies and false beliefs that are holding you together must come undone. You must fall into the abyss. Stop hanging onto the sides and hating yourself for feeling anxious about feeling bad for feeling worthless. Don't dip your toe in. Don't wait another day. Just let go!

You've got to fall, fall, fall, fall, feeling all the hurt, pain, shame and anguish all along the way. Picture two mountains in your heart--maybe the Grand Canyon. You've got to fall down it. You've got to feel the fear of falling, the terror of your impending death, you've got to endure it without running to give yourself away. Let the experience teach you.

On the way down you will learn so much!

You will learn in the falling that you never really die.
You will learn in the falling that you can endure the pain.
You will learn in the falling that which you fear.
You will learn in the falling that you can take care of yourself.
You will learn in the falling the feelings which you have repressed.
You will learn in the falling the ways you have abandoned your own heart.
You will learn in the falling how amazing you are.
You will learn in the falling that there is a bottom.

Yes, there is a bottom. There is a bottom! There is a bottom and that bottom is YOU. That bottom is you. When all your falling is done. When you reach the valley of the Grand Canyon in your heart, you will see that the cold hard ground that you land on is YOU. You are there at the bottom, you are the ground that supports yourself. You are there, but you've got to fall to realize it.

Then you've got to learn to live with you there. At first, you will be bored, like I mentioned earlier. You will feel like the world out there is steak and lobster, while all your left with is Ritz Crackers. You won't have any flavor. You'll be bland, but by golly, YOU GOT YOU. And that's a plus.

From here you must discover yourself, enrich yourself, strengthen yourself, give yourself the energy you used to give away. You used to infuse others with the fantasy of what you needed. Today, you must find out--here at the bottom--what you need and figure out how to get it on your own, without outside assistance.

I know, whah whah whah, we all want to stay stuck in our pain. We don't want to fall. We don't want to get to the bottom and have to figure out all by ourselves what it is about ourselves that makes us wonderful, and how to see ourselves as more wonderful without all that outside sauce and accutriments of addiction, dependency and mental illness.

What are you afraid of if you fall? What are you afraid of if you get in touch with that child you once were, lying in bed, fearing death of no connection? What are you afraid of if you admit your helplessness, experience your hopelessness, pass through layers of shame, releasing your tenacles to the world, are you afraid you might be stuck with just you? Why is that so scary? What are you getting from clinging to the sides? When you are ready to heal, let go and fall.

Resilience

By Sherrie Campbell, PhD 

 

Resilience. To be resilient means that we step up and face our challenges toe to toe. We do not back down. We recognize that we will go through hell sometimes but if we give up then we are allowing ourselves to stay in that hell. If we stay in our dramas we become invested in them. We become all about our ego, our pain, and how we have been hurt. This becomes our identity..never being able to let go. Resilience means we go through the pain, we hurt like hell, but we GET UP! We move, we step into the challenge head on because we know underneath each challenge is an undeniable lesson. We know we will come out of it one way or another a better version of who we are because we commit to that. Underneath all our pain is our divinity...our sparkle. That is who we really are. We are not our pain, we are not what other people think of us, we are not defined by the unfairness of life. Resilient people know this and so they push and they push through the sharp edges of life, not numbing them out, but facing them because they know at the end of this climb is where all the light is. Resilience means you lean into the hard and uncomfortable emotions, you search your soul, you express your vulnerabilities and you grow. You come out of each sharp edge not aged, but you come out wiser. You are willing. You are willing to do whatever it takes to get through it! This is resilience.

The False Self

The False Self.  I've come to understand the False Self as a part of yourself that tries to be something other than who you are in effort to gain acceptance and approval from others. This is the heart of codependence. When you're more concerned with what others think of you than following your own truth, you are codependent on outside input.

Another term for this condition is having an external locus of control. This state is very painful because one can never control the actions and reactions of others. If you're self-love and identity hinges on what others think, you're self worth fluctuates depending on whether you're accepted, rejected, approved or disregarded.

The False Self is the part of you that is playing a part. Your mask. It's the part that is trying to earn approval, to get love. The False Self cannot ever get love because true love flows from within, from your very essence. The False Self can only get false love which is conditional and leaves you feeling invisible and empty. ~ jlr 


_____

Sharing our wounded ego selves is sharing who we have created ourselves to be to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. There is no reality, no truth, no authenticity to our ego wounded self. Authentic connection is not possible from an inauthentic part of ourselves. No matter how much you may want the joy of authentic connection with your partner or others, it cannot occur until you authentically connect with yourself.

~ Dr. Marget Paul

Self Love Beyond Pain

If your SELF is filled with pain, you may reject that pain (not wanting to feel it) and along with it, you reject parts of yourself. Think about it. Your emotional pain is attached to--bound to--parts of YOU. Have you ever considered that the emotional pain you hide, deny and reject actually consists of some good stuff too? Like a dirty shirt that just needs a good washing...

Inner discomfort is attached to parts of you that you need. Parts of you that need you. When you run from pain, it's like refusing to clean your house. Pain is not as scary or bad as you imagine. Your feelings of hurt are often a signal that there is something you're ready to face, to heal from and to overcome.

You may try to medicate your pain with addictions. You may run to anything outside of yourself... drugs, alcohol, another person, love, sex, gambling, work, the internet.. Anything to distract you and to keep your mind off the nagging pain at the pit of your chest. The pain which is, in fact, your True Self crying out for attention, time and understanding.

Only YOU can answer the cry of your heart. It may feel like the pain will resolve once you fulfill your fantasy of wholeness that your pain has projected like an oasis in your heart, but that is a lie. The only way to stop the pain is by facing it, feeling it, processing it and letting it go. Once you do, you find pieces of you that the pain was holding onto. Pieces of you that are valuable. Pieces of you that you need. Pieces of you that deserve your own honor, attention, respect and love. Forgotten pieces of your very own self that you've left by the wayside because it was intertwined with pain.

Pain is anything other than complete Self Acceptance. Anything other than joy and jubilation at the thought of your existence, your day, your life. Pain is anything that interferes with fulness and wholeness. That pain must be cleared out, accepted, acknowledged and grieved. Stuffing your pain down only leads to depression and physical symptoms. It's only by being honest with ourselves, and brave enough to face the truth of our own discontent, that we can begin to reconcile ourselves inside.

Pain will not be denied.

J. Ryan
July 2013