Narcissists Won't Take Your Side

If you are looking for love, validation and support from the narcissist, you are wise to look elsewhere. The narcissist will reel you in by offering love bombing and doing anything and everything in the world for you, but once they have you--they will not take your side.

Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.

They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you. 

It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.

The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.

This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.

The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.

It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.

These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.

This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.

Screw that!

Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways

• They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
• May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
• Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
• Plays dumb. 
• Ignores you.
• Becomes distracted.
• Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
• Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
• Stonewalls.
• Changes the subject. 
• Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
• Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
• Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
• Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination. 
• Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past. 
• Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with. 

Healthy People Have Your Back

It is so easy to take someone's side. This is an easy, empathetic thing to do. A person with a heart will naturally be open to supporting those they love. They will come to their side naturally. It's a normal, natural thing to do, to validate someone's upset whom you care about. Granted, if it's two people you feel strongly for, perhaps you cannot be on one side or the other, but still, you validate the position of the person who is confiding in you about the hurt and pain they've endured or are enduring.

Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.

Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.

Covert Messages in the Lack of Support

It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:

• I don't support you.
• I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
• I believe you are wrong.
• I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
• I am superior to you.
• What you think is wrong.
• What you feel is wrong.
• Other people are superior to you.
• People you argue with are more right than you are.
• You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
• You don't know how to feel.
• I know how you should feel.
• You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
• I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present. 
• I don't believe in you.
• You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
• You can't count on me for support.
• You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
• You are to blame for the argument.

We all need people to love and support us in our lives. When we are surrounded by narcissists, we are surrounded by people who will not take our side. When someone will not take our side, we are left deficit. A very important need goes unmet.

As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side.  This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.

Validation is on Your Side

You deserve validation!!! 

• 1st you deserve validation from yourself. 
• 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
• 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
• 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation. 
• 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
• 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.

This topic is akin to withholding of approval. In childhood, when a parent withholds approval, it is considered emotional neglect. The failure to meet a primary dependency need of the child. As an adult, we shouldn't NEED approval from others, but we should be naturally drawn to people who actively listen to us, believe in us, support us and take our side against the onslaught of rude, manipulative, hurting people who come into our lives.

When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.

Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.

Flattery + Invalidation = Manipulation + Control

It is possible for someone to BUILD YOU UP, yet invalidate your existence at the same time. This occurs when someone you trust, someone you turn to for inner security tells you,

"You're wonderful, you shouldn't feel that way"

"When I was your age I felt like this... or this... or this..."

"You're crazy!!! You've got the world at your fingertips!!! How could you be depressed???"

"You have such a beautiful smile, why are you frowning?"

"You have everything you want and need. Why are you sad?"

"He meant well, he didn't mean to hurt you. You shouldn't feel that way."

"You are successful and life is good to you, so you shouldn't feel angry towards your father."

"You are right. You have a bad dad, however, he is your father, you should go see him even though he makes you feel uncomfortable."

"Look how beautiful you are!!! Why are you feeling depressed and lonely?"

"You just don't want anybody in your life. That's why you're still single. If you wanted someone, you could be with anybody you want."

All of these covert manipulative tactics of an abusive person who is invalidating the truth, the existence of the victim. The victim feels built up on one hand, yet as though their feelings are invalid on the other. This is a double-bind, and the substance of a "trauma bond" with "intermittent reinforcement." Any time your feelings are invalid, YOU ARE INVALID. You must disagree and stand up to anyone who tries to tell you that how you feel in the moment is wrong. THEY ARE WRONG.

You need people who are strong enough to stand with you no matter what feelings manifest. You need people around you who give you freedom to be who you are without trying to change you so they feel more comfortable... and who are not trying to make a winner out of you so they can get the credit.

Just say NO to INVALIDATION.

Subtle Invalidation Tactics

Invalidation is damaging to the soul of the one being invalidated. Abused individuals are conditioned from childhood to believe that their own thoughts and feelings are wrong, bad and shameful. Invalidation is a tool used by psychological abusers like narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in order to keep their victims off-balance.

Some people who grew up in an environment of invalidation will invalidate others unintentionally. Not everyone who invalidates is abusive, but every time one is invalidated, it is harmful and hurtful. It's crucial that you learn the subtle signs of invalidation, because it's not always obvious.

Watch out for these signs of subtle invalidation:

1. Withdrawing, ignoring, silent treatment. You can be invalidated by someone who never utters a word. If someone ignores what you are saying, this is a subtle form of invalidation, meant to send a message to you (albeit subconsciously) that you are less than, invalid and worthy of being ignored. Don't stand for it! Make your voice heard or move-on.

2. Sighing. If someone sighs or otherwise shows sign of disapproval whenever you express your feelings about anything, this is a form of invalidation. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings, they are not wrong or right, they just are. If anyone insinuates with a disapproving sigh whenever you express a feeling--regardless of who it is about or what... then you are being invalidated. You need to reaffirm your right to feel as you feel, set a boundary, make it clear to yourself and to the invalidating other that you have the right to feel how you do.

3. Changing the subject. If someone changes the subject whenever you express how you feel about something, this is a form of invalidation. It is their way of saying, "What you feel is worth ignoring." and "Something else is more important than how you feel" and "You are invisible." It is your job to steer the conversation back to your own feelings, stand up, speak up, set boundaries and only spend time in the presence of people who respect you.

4. Minimizing your feelings. If you tell someone how you feel about a person, place, thing or situation, and that person minimizes whatever you feel by telling you it's not that bad or anything that implies that how you feel is not accurate, or too much, or that you're too sensitive, then you're being invalidated. No one has the right to do this to you! Stand up for yourself and feel confident in expressing your full-range of emotions. Surround yourself with people who respect how you feel and who are willing to listen to you without trying to change you.

Feelings are not debatable. 

INVALIDATION

One of the big wake-up calls I had was about the concept of INVALIDATION. I never understood it before, but I found, as I started coming out of "the fog" in my early 40s--I found that I was being severely invalidated by my own self and others. This invalidation caused a bulk of my emotional pain. I was not on my own side, and I didn't realize that people I thought loved me were actually invalidating me all around.

Invalidation is the process of telling someone that how they're feeling is NOT OKAY. Invalidation is psychological abuse. Our feelings are our feelings are our feelings. Feelings are neither good or bad, right or wrong. When you do not support how a loved-one feels, you are putting toxic shame on them and causing them to feel shame for being who they are.

As a child I felt shame for my feelings. I was shamed for having feelings and needs. I was told not to cry, or I would be given something to cry about. I was told that I was wrong to be afraid of a train that was coming towards our car as my step-father sped up to cross the tracks before it hit us. I was yelled at for screaming when I saw a fire on the stove in the kitchen. Everywhere I turned, I was made to feel bad for how I felt. This means, I was made to feel toxic shame for who I was.

What you feel is what you are. No feelings are bad. If you feel uncomfortable, that is okay. No one should be telling you it is not okay to feel exactly how you feel at any given moment.

As a child, when you are invalidated, it has disastrous consequences. It causes you to feel shame for being, for feeling and for existing. This bad feeling causes you to lose touch with your true self, your own intuition and guiding force, because you are taught that your truth is wrong and something to hide in shame. Invalidation literally keeps you from yourself, from your truth. It makes you abandon yourself in every sense of the word and build a FALSE SELF to please those around you. You lose track of who you are.

The only alternative to being invalidated is confusion, extreme pain and addiction to soothe the inner-ache.

Invalidation happens in mini-increments every day according to how healthy you are. If you are healthy, you can CATCH INVALIDATION and correct it for your own benefit. If someone tells you, or implies that how you feel is not good, then you must stand up for your true feelings and have a voice and set boundaries.

Invalidation is a primary tool of the narcissist to keep their victims off balance and second guessing themselves. An invalidated person who has been conditioned to invalidate themselves is a perfect victim as they are easily controlled, manipulated and exploited. The invalidated person has no idea who they are!!! They don't know how they feel because they disconnected from their true feelings as children.

Validating yourself in adulthood through the healing process is essential for healing. A healthy person is a validated person. You need help to feel validated. A therapist is the best source, but you can also find validation in other ways, such as this group, YouTube Videos, articles, books, etc... You need gobs of validation to heal, and you need to learn to correct invalidation that comes your way.
If you are unfamiliar with the concept of invalidation, I urge you to learn more about it. I have articles about invalidation on this blog.

INVALIDATION is the cause of perpetual rewounding. There is so much I could say... but that's all the time I have. Reach for your healing, every step is a masterpiece. heart emoticon Jenna
Great info on invalidation: http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Hurtful People Are Not True Friends

It's one thing to keep friends together, but some friends are not worth keeping!!! It doesn't matter how long you've known a person. If you are continuously being hurt, invalidated, disrespected, smothered or ignored, then you need to get away--no question. Even if this person is a beloved family member, parent, child, sibling, you can't allow others to push you around, use and abuse you!!! You must draw boundaries to protect yourself!!! Set limits to keep toxic people, bullies, invalidators and narcissists away!!! You cannot change them. You can only change yourself, so stop trying to help them.

Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty, stupid or ashamed for walking away from a person who is hurting you is themselves TOXIC. Don't listen!!! They want you to stay the way you are for selfish reasons. They don't care about you or your feelings or your peace or your future. People who care so little for you that they would encourage you to be a doormat and keep hurtful people in your life are NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

Find people who SUPPORT YOU in your journey. Someone who loves you backs you up. Someone who loves you respects YOUR decisions to end relationships, take a step back or go No Contact. A true friend respects your decisions and encourages you to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay safe. A true friend is on your side.

Instead of fighting these manipulators and defending yourself against their poisonous darts, put them at arms length. Give yourself more room to breathe. Life is so much more!!! You'll be surprised at how much better you feel!!! I promise!!!

REMEMBER: It is a PRIVILEGE to know you.

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Narcissistic De-Selfing

Photo by Lennie Sparrow - Deviant Art

Narcissists feel like other people are an extension of themselves. This is why the narcissist tries to thwart the sense of self in his or her victim. It is easier to control and exploit one who has no boundaries. Generally, a person with no boundaries was raised by those who are narcissistic. A person with a strong sense of self has strong boundaries that render him or her immune to the narcissist.

Here are tactics that malignant narcissists uses to de-self their victims. Please note: Not all narcissists do everything on this list. Toxic people may only practice 1/2 of these abusive tactics. Some narcs are covert, others are more obvious. There are also different levels of narcissism from healthy narcissim to malignant narcissism.  

It is the malignant narcissist that hurts the most. These are people who have no empathy and who try to gain power and control over others. They have no feeling for anyone but themselves. The cannot love. They do not care about anyone. People in their lives are merely a source of narcissistic supply--objects to be exploited. Malignant narcissists will cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. These are sadistic people who enjoy hurting others and will do anything to maintain their image. These harmful people were likely abused as children either from neglect or over-indulgence. There is no cure for narcissism because most types of narcissists are too self inflated to admit he or she has a problem. Other types of narcissists may secretly believe they are healthy, even if they feign problems. It's all an act to get narcissistic supply. 

Narcissists get self esteem externally from the power that the steal from others. Narcissists feed off the attention of others. When a narcissist upsets you, he or she enjoys your anguish. When a narcissist tricks you and steals your power (if you don't have boundaries and if you're not grounded), the narcissist feels a rush of self esteem. These people are dangerous and cannot easily be cured so it's best to get away.

Invalidation - Disagreeing with one’s thoughts, feelings and/or beliefs. 

Mimicking - Mirroring your likes and behavior in effort to ingratiate themselves to you. This is part of the idealization phase, but can also continue after the narcissist has discarded you.

One-Upping - Trying to maintain a higher status and putting the victim beneath the narcissist.

Gas Lighting - This is an abuse tactic that makes the victim feel crazy.

Blaming - Blaming external sources for their internal mistakes. 

Psychological Attack - This sometimes blatant and other times subtle tactic causes the victim to become upset and need to defend herself. This defending then turns into an argument where the victim is blamed and is also caught up in the situation, thus taken off balance.

Minimizing - The narcissist will minimize the effect of their behavior or abuse.

Control Tactics - Using covert or overt measures to get the victim to do what the narcissist wants her to do.

Golden Handcuffs - Holding financial or other resources over the head of the victim to keep him in line.

Manipulation - Trying to control another person by using psychological methods such as providing selective information, lying, gaslighting, minimizing or other tactics on this list.

Lying - The narcissist and psychopath will lie easily to support their manipulations and achieve their desired result. When caught in a lie they will not back down.  

Planting Seeds - Trying to control you through the power of suggestion. (I made this one up myself.)

Comparison - Comparing you to others by making comments of their strengths in light of your weaknesses.

Pulling the Rug - Building up your expectations, then “pulling the rug out from under you.” Not giving what was implied or expected.

Idealization/Devaluation - Building you up, then tearing you down. Devaluation most often involves abandonment. The narcissist idealizes you, then discards you without a care.

Creating Triangles - The narcissist creates triangles by gossiping and/or sharing personal and private information with others that was given by the victim in confidence. Narcissists have elaborate ways of creating triangles and causing conflict between groups of people. The goal is to make the victim feel alienated and to garner support of others, which abuses the victim by proxy.

Isolation / Alienation - Manipulating the victim into believing that he or she is the only source for the person to turn to. Criticizing other people in the victim’s life to the extent that the victim believes that the narcissist is the only one of value that he or she can count on.

Subtle Ignoring - Sending the message that the victim is not worth listening to by ignoring… Checking phone while the victim is talking, not responding to texts, glossing over concerns.

What the narcissist wants is to control you and keep your focus on themselves. When you are off-balance and you’ve been kept off-balance for years, this keeps the narcissist in control of you. When you are out of touch with your truth, with your true needs and wants, you are very easy to manipulate and exploit.

The answer to these abusive tactics is to fortify your sense of self through a variety of means, such as:

• Getting in touch with your inner truth - Feelings, thoughts, beliefs.
• Awareness of who you are and what you want and need.
• Staying grounded in your own physical body.  
• Staying grounded in your own emotional truth.
• Calibrating your intuition. Learning to trust your gut.
• Understanding of an equal and reciprocal relationship.
• Setting boundaries and limits against manipulation and abusive behavior.
• Expecting reciprocation of needs to be met.
• Refusing to allow the narcissist to gloss over abuse in past or present.
• Avoiding abusive people.
• Confronting abusive behavior.
• Staying focused on your highest good.
• Dealing with your own feelings of shame, worthlessness, etc…

If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, then you are someone who needs to fortify your sense of self and create a more solid sense of who you are. Your identity can be shaken to the core by toxic people and it’s up to you to know who you are and define your own values. The key to surviving narcissistic abuse is to validate yourself and set boundaries against manipulation. You must also be willing to advocate for your own highest good and to get your needs met.

Good luck.

Narcissists Cannot Validate Consistently

Invalidation is one of the central methods of covert narcissistic abuse. The Narcissist simply CANNOT validate anyone consistently. For the Narcissist to validate your personal truth would be for you to cease being an object; and cease being an extension of themselves. You see, Narcissists see others as objects to be used for their own benefit, not as individual beings. If they validate your truth, it will mean that they themselves do not exist. It is only by pathologically turning others into objects to use and exploit that they experience any sense of self.

Please see my article on Validating Your Truth here.

A Narcissist is programmed (due to developmental trauma) to knock you over, kick you off center, cause you to be confused and not know who you are without them telling you who you are. Also, if the Narcissist were to validate you, then you would be strengthened enough to realize what it is that they're doing. They simply cannot support you in connecting to your own truth because doing so would strengthen your identity (ego) and make you immune to their manipulations.

The child of the narcissist is hurt the most by the invalidation of these predators because the child never gets to learn who they are because the narcissist refuses to mirror the child's truth back to him or her, because doing so would mean that their child is an individual--and that's appalling to the narcissist who wishes to use their offspring as an object, source of narcissistic supply, and an extension of themselves to exploit as they so desire. The child of the narcissist will only be validated when doing so butters them up for later abuse by their mentally disordered parent.

Narcissists invalidate constantly, in fact, invalidation is at the root of almost every form of narc abuse:

• Gas Lighting - Abuse tactic to get you to question your own sanity (truth). This tact occurs in myriad ways; the end result is the questioning of ones own experience and feelings.
• Intermittent Reinforcement - Hot and cold treatment leaves victim confused and bewildered. When in the throws of the high times with the narcissist, one is happier than ever, then when the narcissist shows their bad side, it causes one to feel lower than ever. All this is done to confuse, entrap and disorient the victim so that he or she will be less likely to recognize exploitive behavior on the part of the narc.
• Silent Treatment - The Silent Treatment is a covert form of narcissistic abuse that also includes tactics such as ignoring, relegating to text contact, or any other form of subtle disrespect that is an attempt to punish you for not going along with the narcissists abuse--or offending the narcissist in any way. The Silent Treatment is a giant energy suck because it causes the victim to obsess over the reasons for the silence, and to reverse the energy by trying to get the narc's attention. The Silent Treatment is a covert psychological ambush that renders the victim more likely to be open to invalidation later when the nice narc finally decides you're worth talking to.
• Mimicry - The narcissist mirrors people to make them feel flattered, loved and special, however, the narcissist does not love anyone and doesn't think anyone is special except him or herself. Mimicry is a fake process the narcissist uses to trick you into thinking that he or she cares, and thus causes you to trust, empathize-with and rely on the narcissist even more.

Narcissists will, however, validate you during the idealization stage--or else who would give them their energy? However, as soon as narcissists have taken what they want, or gained the sense of power and control they are seeking, they naturally morph into the invalidating role intermittently, of course, just to keep you from noticing their thievery.

It has been my experience that people who are unable to validate your truth are narcissistic, and potentially malignant narcissists--it all depends on where they fall on the continuum. Still, knowing that narcissists cannot validate your truth consistently is a good way to weed out the takers from the good people in your life who are capable of respect, intimacy and validation.

Invalidation (SelfLoveU Video)

Those Who Harmed You Cannot Heal You

This is a really good post by Wounded Child Coaching. So good, in fact, that I decided to share it with you here. Take care, Jenna


"The wise among us realized that the acceptance will never come, and that this is a death that we have to accept, the death of a relationship. When we hold onto it, we are holding onto a corpse. There was never any life in our relationship with our abuser. We were asking for souls in the soulless."

Post by Wounded Child Coaching.

THOSE THAT HARMED YOU CANNOT HEAL YOU

Yet this is the justice that we long for in our souls: to be suddenly loved by those who abused us. We hold onto that hope. This is what we did as children. We forgave and forgave, always in the hope that this time, we would do the “right thing” to please our abuser so that we would be welcome and the abuse would stop.

Often, things got better for a while. We let our hopes up that finally we had done whatever manner of atonement required to be forgiven of what we knew not, so that we could be received with love and care and safety. Those times were short-lived. The abuse would resume with a vengeance, so we always lived with our guard up. The attacks would often be random, so we were always on edge.
Yet we kept going back to our abuser, hoping to be forgiven, hoping to be loved. We sought our healing through their acceptance. For most of us, that acceptance has never come.

The wise among us realized that the acceptance will never come, and that this is a death that we have to accept, the death of a relationship. When we hold onto it, we are holding onto a corpse. There was never any life in our relationship with our abuser. We were asking for souls in the soulless.
Yet even as adults, we still seek healing from them, and end up taking the same abuse from them in adulthood that we suffered as children. Only now it’s more subtle, and deeper into our minds and souls. The punishment is in words that we allow to pierce us. We allow it because we willingly step into range of our living abusers’ arrows.

We look to them to heal us, and they return fire with arrows that dig deeper than when we were children.

They cannot heal us. They are only capable of harm. We do not have to put ourselves in range of their arrows. We couldn’t be free from them when we were children, but we can be free from them now! They will do harm to us as long as they have breath in their lungs. They can be fathers, mothers, ex-spouses, and even one’s own children.

When we turn our backs on them, they will attack us with guilt and obligation. But we’ve never been malicious. We are guilty of nothing. To heal, we must walk away from them and no longer allow them to harm us.

We may take huge losses in doing so. I have taken mine, and it is the greatest loss of my life. I know the pain of malice, and of malice that follows you. I took my loss and moved towards healing. For to not take the loss, and to still bleed from it, I would never have healed.

We can choose to bleed from emotional wounds. Or we can choose to not be wounded.
We, as Wounded Children, have to reach that place where we seek our healing over and above all things, including relationships. We must choose to no longer go to have our wounds tended where we received them.

This is the message of Wounded Child Coaching. I tell the story of a “Journey” that everyone must take to heal. I call it the “Wounded Child’s Journey.” It takes you from the place of being a victim to a place of true thriving, a place of growth, peace and self-love

Visit http://woundedchildsjourney.com

100 Ways You May Be Abandoning Yourself

I'm writing this article to give you awareness about the many ways in which we abandon ourselves. Self abandonment is at epidemic proportions and causes much pain, confusion, anxiety and mental stress. Self abandonment is at the root of relationship problems and personality disorders, addictions and insecurity.

Self abandonment starts early in life, when we are taught that our feelings are not valid and when we're being molded into being something other than we are. We continue these patterns of relating throughout life, internalizing the invalidation and becoming our own worst critic.

We reject ourselves and give ourselves away to others. We form a false self that pleases everyone in the world, but leaves us aching and unable to experience a full life. Self abandonment is a huge problem and very difficult to heal, but it is possible, one step at a time.

"The greatest wound a child can receive is the rejection of his authentic self. When a parent cannot affirm his child's feelings, needs, and desires, he rejects that child's authentic self. Then, a false self must be set up."

- John Bradshaw, "Homecoming" Bantam Books

This is just a list. Lists are easier to write for me with my limited time at this point in my life. Feel free to take any of these concepts further yourself by researching and gaining knowledge. The ultimate goal is to stay fully integrated, differentiated and whole without giving up yourself to make others happy. Here are 100 Ways You May Abandon Yourself.

1.  Allowing someone to abuse you.
2. Failing to set limits and boundaries in relationship.
3. Not thinking things through before taking action.
4. Blaming self.
5. Addiction of any kind.
6. Impulsive behaviors.
7. Clinging, needy behaviors.
8. Not practicing good enough self care.
9. Ignoring our emotional pain.
10. Not speaking your truth.
11. Not enforcing your human relationship rights.
12. Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.
13. Over scheduling yourself.
14. Complaining about others instead of looking inside at your own issues.
15. Projecting your shadow-side (weaknesses, fears, perceived flaws) on others.
16. Allowing other people to dictate what you think, feel or do.
17. Trying to win approval of others.
18. Trying to please others at your own expense.
19. Enabling others to abuse themselves.
20. Staying in a relationship that is disrespectful to you.
21. Playing a role, victim, persecutor, rescuer.
22. Loving others too much.
23. Living a life someone else wants you to live, not your own.
24. Failing to foster and develop your unique gifts and talents.
25. Lacking communication with spirit, source, God, higher power.
26. Not taking care of your health.
27. Working too much, too hard.
28. Longing for another person
29. Trying to prove your worthiness to others.
30. Being overly concerned with physical appearance.
31. Failing to express your needs in relationship.
32. Failing to express your wants and preferences in relationship.
33. Gossiping about others.
34. Stuffing your emotions.
35. Being overly critical of yourself.
36. Being overly critical of others.
37. Allowing others to take advantage of you.
38. Living life vicariously through your children.
39. Striving.
40. Perfectionism.
41. Needing too much attention from others.
42. Failing to comfort yourself whenever your feeling badly.
43. Staying in relationships that don't give you any space to be and express who you are.
44. Allowing someone else to define you.
45. Being enmeshed with parent, spouse or child.
46. Focusing on what others are feeling and thinking about you.
47. Trying to change what is out of your control.
48. Trying to fix another person.
49. Trying to "get" love from another person.
50. Not accepting yourself.
51. Not loving yourself unconditionally.
52. Judging yourself or others.
53. Allowing your wounded inner child to run your life.
54. Beating yourself up.
55. Negative self talk.
56. Focusing on problems more than solutions.
57. Withdrawing from social contact.
58. Trying to control or manipulate others.
59. Endless mind numbing activities such as internet or Candy Crush.
60. Ignoring your own needs.
61. Invalidating yourself.
62. Lying to ourselves, unconsciously or consciously.
63. Living in denial.
64. Failing to deal with our emotions.
65. Not expressing your emotions moderately.
66. Using emotional blackmail to get your needs met.
67. Exposing yourself to toxic people.
68. Holding your breath, ignoring or breath.
69. Blaming others.
70. Putting a relationship ahead of your own personal dignity.
71. Being a Doormat
72. Masking your emotions.
73. Explaining yourself for saying no or setting limits.
74. Not protecting yourself.
75. Ignoring personal values to meet the needs/wants of another.
76. Wasting energy on trying to control circumstances.
77. Squander talents, gifts & abilities.
78. Not learning from mistakes.
79. Being rigid in personal rules and regulations.
80. Pushing yourself too hard.
81. Trying to do too many activities to prove yourself.
82. Operate as “less-than” others.
83. Partaking in psychological games.
84. Pretending to agree with idea you think is asinine.
85. Constantly pretending to like people you don’t really like.
86. Having an underlying agenda for relating with others.
87. Being paranoid about someone leaving you.
88. Fearing abandonment.
89. Fearing rejection.
90. Putting yourself down.
91. Allowing your inner critic free reign.
92. Thinking in terms of all or nothing or black and white.
93. Living for adoration, praise, affirmation of others.
94. Taking on other people’s problems or feelings.
95. Failing to take action.
96. Making excuses.
97. Staying perpetually busy and stressed.
98. Hating your imperfections.
99. Trusting another with personal information too soon.
100. Trusting people who have repeatedly let you down.
101. Needing another person.
102. Avoiding tasks that will benefit you.
103. Trying to help too much.
104. Giving too much.
105. Being negative about your life.
106. Staying stuck where you are.
107. Isolating yourself.
108. Hurting other people.
109. Exploiting other people.
110. Putting conditions on yourself. 
111. Treating yourself like crap.
112. Criticizing yourself.
113. Judging yourself harshly.
114. Comparing yourself to others. (Did I already say this one??? It's worth 2 entries)

Self abandonment occurs whether you want it to or not. If you have this issue, you were conditioned from a very early age to forgo yourself in lieu of your caretakers. This learned behavior carries on into your adult relationships to self and others.

The goal is to guide yourself back to yourself. To reclaim yourself and operate from the truth of who you are. Stay tuned for 100 Ways to Reclaim Yourself next.

Rejecting Behavior in Relationships

One of the epiphanies discovered on my road to loving myself is how to steer clear of relationships that are harmful and that deplete my self esteem, sense of worth and self respect. As a child I grew up in an invalidating environment; this means that I wasn't accepted for who I am. When you grow up being rejected, you continue seeking out people who will reject you when you're an adult, until and unless you wake up and put a stop to old habits.

While blooming into a whole, complete, healed person, I slowly figured out what rejecting behavior is. I was so accustomed to being discounted, devalued, dismissed by my caretakers as a child, as an adult I didn't even realize I was being rejected when I was. All I knew was that I hurt inside, felt depressed and had low levels of self esteem.

I'm writing this article to encourage you, dear reader, if you're battling to love yourself and to grow into a whole and complete person with self acceptance. Below I list some indications of rejection from others, but first, let me say that YOU DESERVE TO BE ACCEPTED. You do not deserve to be rejected in any way shape or form. You do not have to tolerate rejecting behavior of others. You are an adult today (if you're reading this, I assume) and you can take action to PROTECT yourself from rejection.

Rejection depletes your self esteem, makes you feel ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. Some people have very rejecting attitudes inside themselves about themselves, as well is about others. These are not bad people, per say, but they have toxic styles of relating which need to be remedied. If you love yourself you will require that everyone around you accept you for who you are, or else you will not stick around. You do have a choice. Always choose your dignity over a rejecting relationship.

Subtle Rejection

Rejection can be very subtle and sometimes covert. It's not always going to hit you upside the head. You will notice, however, when in the presence of a rejecting person, that you feel icky after being around them. When you feel uneasy about being around someone, there could be some undercurrent of rejection that you're not consciously aware of.

Mixed Messages

Rarely will you be wholly rejected by another person. Of course, all but those with zero self esteem will walk away from a relationship where you get nothing but rejection. Oftentimes a person who treats you with rejecting behavior will do so with mixed messages. IE: Come close, get away. This is a game that people play when they are insecure and fearful of intimacy, or have some psychological need to make themselves feel superior by putting you out.

If you grew up in a rejecting environment, you may also feel compelled to fix the opinion of someone who rejects you in adulthood as a way of repairing the wound that occurred when you were first rejected. This is what Freud calls the "Repetition Compulsion." This may cause you to seek out rejecting partners who will end up hurting you in the end. In fact, you may feel more comfortable with rejecting people than you do with those who accept you--that is if you are already rejecting yourself.

In fact, you would only tolerate rejecting behavior in others toward you if you already reject yourself in that same way. Rejecting behavior would feel bizarre and awkward to someone who loves and accepts herself or himself. The goal in growth and self love should be to feel it in your gut when someone is rejecting, cold and invalidating toward you. 

• Keeps records of your mistakes. Keeps them in one-up, superior position and looking down on you. 
  
• Refuses to listen to your truth. If someone refuses to listen to you, this is very rejecting behavior. You cannot have a relationship with someone who is not flexible enough to hear things they don't want to hear from you.
  
• Runs hot and cold. See mixed messages. Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde Syndrome. One minute they're nice and sweet, the next their raging and insensitive.
  
• Does not consider your feelings. Does whatever they want without considering the impact to your feelings. This is rejection of your humanity when it is done continually despite you letting that person know that it hurts you.
  
• Blames you for everything. Does not take responsibility for their behavior. This is also rejecting of your humanity. No person is perfect. If they think they're perfect then you can bet they'll be projecting their imperfections they can't accept onto you--steer clear.
  
• Makes sarcastic comments about your life. A rejecting person looks down on you. You can tell by the little comments they make when you're expressing things about your life. They may make comments that make you feel like you have to prove yourself.
  
• Positions themselves as higher than you. A rejecting person wrongfully ranks others as greater or lesser than themselves. They may have a need to put you down as they use that to increase their self esteem, albeit temporarily. 

 

Invalidation

INVALIDATION is the root of codependency. Our true selves, our personal truth was not validated... If we want to heal we must REPARENT ourselves by validating ourselves instead of repeating the abuse that we received while our hearts were innocent and vulnerable... http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Love this article by Darlene at Emerging from Broken on Self Validation for Emotional Healing from Abuse

This article contains my research on Invalidation

"Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it."

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. 


All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. 

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."
How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you
(b) how much they care about you and your feelings
(c) how insecure and defensive they are
(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

• We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
• We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
• We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
• We are ignored
• We are judged
• We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering You to "Look" Differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.


Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)


Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

A person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.
___

Validating / Invalidating  - Great article

"One disqualifies oneself when one is afraid to say what one really feels and means for fear that others will reject it.  Hence disqualifiers say things in a way that allows them “plausible deniability.” They can claim they were misinterpreted if the other family members object." 


They accomplish this through wide range of deviant communicational phenomena, “…such as self-contradictions, inconsistencies, subject switches, tangentializations, incomplete sentences, misunderstandings, obscure style or mannerisms of speech, the literal interpretation of metaphor and the metaphorical interpretation of literal remarks, etc." (p. 76).
___
 

Linehan (1993a) investigates 'invalidating environments' and relates them to self injury.

"An invalidating environment is one in which communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, or extreme responses. In other words, the expression of private experiences is not validated; instead it is often punished and/or trivialized. The experience of painful emotions disregarded. The individual's interpretations of her own behavior, including the experience of the intents and motivations of the behavior, are dismissed..."

"When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage."

Addressing Invalidation with CBT

How to Find Your Core Truth

Group Member asked: "I still don't know what my truth is though. How do you get in touch with your core truth? One 'truth' to me is just as true and another 'truth'. This is where I am stuck in my recovery."
My Answer: Your core truth is the core of who you are. It is that part of you that no one can ever take away. Your truth is beneath your wounds, your false beliefs, your codependency, your symptoms. It is the truth of who you are, connected with the source of life, your higher power. Your truth is all knowing. Inside your heart you hold the answers to everything you need to function. Your core truth is pure love, pure joy, pure bliss.

This truth can be hidden, but it cannot be destroyed. This is the hope of recovery, to find this truth buried on the inside of you, beneath the pain, the maladaption, the addictions and mental illness. The goal of healing is to find this truth in all its forms and manifestations and to live from it, rather than attaching to outside sources or from your wounded layers. 

Those of us who suffer from codependency have not been taught to access our truth. We were taught to hide our truth, that our truth is nonexistent, that our cognitions and view of reality is wrong. We were invalidated. We were taught to mistrust ourselves and to give our power over to our caretakers (who were likely taught the same faulty way).

You can find your truth by being aware that you have a truth, and trusting that you do have truth inside of you. Your True Self. You may need a therapist to help you figure this part out, that is, how you feel, what you believe and whether your feelings are based in now or are pent-up emotions that are frozen inside.

When I did this process, that of unfolding my true self, it was one of the most magical part of my healing. I could literally picture my true self buried in the treasure chest of my heart, beneath the pain, anger, hurt and confusion. I pictured the real me banging on the sides of the box that held me down. I imagined myself unfolding and coming to life... which means, expressing and feeling my authentic truth for the first time.

It is an ongoing endeavor to locate your truth when you've gone through the things we've gone through. I learn new parts of myself every day that I never realized I had. Your truth holds things that you need to function appropriately in all facets of life. When you release bits of your truth from the captivity of hiding, suddenly you find that you're able to function in areas that you never could before.

As you go beyond your initial awakening and move into proper functioning you encounter lots of bleeps along the way. I now know that any issues or difficulties I'm having stems from my disconnection from my own truth. Lately I'm learning (through mindfulness) to listen to the voice inside myself. Not only to listen, but to HEED, validate and honor my gut instincts.