Differentiation & Healing from Attachment Trauma

This is amazing content I am reposting, courtesy of the following Instagram Page: @Wiseheartpdx 

THIS IS NOT MY ARTICLE. IT IS COPIED FROM INSTAGRAM POST!!! 

IT'S SUPER GOOD!!! 

"From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, you are able to identify your needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. You regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. You are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict. ⠀
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Differentiation could be described as being who you are in the presence of who they are. If you are someone who thinks you are more connected to yourself and happier when you are not in an intimate relationship, you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation.⠀
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Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:⠀
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1. Groundedness and clarity about your identity; confidence in your innate goodness and lovability⠀
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2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day⠀
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3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands⠀
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4. An ability to meet differences with with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration⠀
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5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions you perceive as difficult or challenging⠀
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6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met⠀
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7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviors that support your thriving⠀
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8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy ⠀
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9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose⠀
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10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency ⠀
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11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict ⠀
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12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment

100 Elements of Intimacy

Months ago I wrote the article, 100 Things Intimacy Is Not. At the time, I was just learning, growing and improving and quite frankly, I couldn't have written the article you're about to read. This article is especially good if you've wondered what this love stuff was all about... and if you're interested in learning what intimacy is from a clueless person's perspective.

You see, that's what I was. Clueless. Love doesn't come easily for some people--okay, for most people. It took me a long time to get it.. First I had to simmer in caldron of "what intimacy is not" for a few years... Now, after much study, experience and soul searching, I'm happy to say, I'm finally figuring out what intimacy is. Woo Hoo! One small step for mankind.

Hope it helps you. Wish there would have been an article like this for me to read a long time ago... It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, better late than never. Smooches!

100 Elements of Intimacy (100 Things That Intimacy Is)

1. Intimacy is the communication of authentic thoughts and feelings among two people. (Can be more, but we're focusing on two today)

2. Intimacy is the ability to disagree without being judged.

3. Intimacy is compassion for one another.

4. Intimacy is seeing the other as a separate person, not as an object.

5. Intimacy is being autonomous in relationship.

6. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable without shame.

7. Intimacy is acceptance of each other.

8. Intimacy is mentalization of the affects of yourself and the other.

9. Intimacy is emotional regulation (emotional self control).

10. Intimacy is not needing the other to make you feel any certain way.

11. Intimacy is a desire for the other to experience being heard.

12. Intimacy is reflecting how another is feeling.

13. Intimacy is sharing how you are feeling with another.

14. Intimacy is the human glue that bonds people together.

15. Intimacy is about being your true self, not someone you think your partner wants you to be.

16. Intimacy is not being afraid to admit your imperfections.

17. Intimacy is not being afraid of the reflection you see in your partner.

18. Intimacy is seeing the best in your partner.

19. Intimacy is trusting.

20. Intimacy is closeness.

21. Intimacy is not afraid to admit mistakes.

22. Intimacy is taking responsibility for your own needs.

23. Intimacy is asking for what you need without being attached to the outcome.

24. Intimacy is having a high enough self esteem to take risks.

25. Intimacy is about feelings, sharing, expressing, validating, understanding.

26. Intimacy is free from psychological defenses like denial, repression and projection.

27. Intimacy is the wisdom to see things as they really are, not as you want things to be.

28. Intimacy is the absence of resistance.

29. Intimacy is the courage to be known, even with all your flaws.

30. Intimacy is relaxing, even when you want to run away.

31. Intimacy is only possible for the emotionally mature.

32. Intimacy is not blaming yourself or the other person when things go wrong as things sometimes do.

33. Intimacy is being a mirror of your partners feelings.

34. Intimacy is about being able to share feelings that are both good and bad.

35. Intimacy is about considering the other person.

36. Intimacy is about self nurture, self care as well as other nurture and other care.

37. Intimacy is what first happens between a properly attached mother and infant.

38. Intimacy requires total honesty.

39. Intimacy promotes the individuality of both parties.

40. Intimacy heals the heart of painful past problems.

41. Intimacy fulfills each person an makes one whole.

42. Intimacy is clarifying what you think the other person is feeling.

43. Intimacy is taking the time to share your feelings with each other.

44. Intimacy is expressing your truth without waivering.

45. Intimacy is being able to tolerate the anxiety, fear of abandonment.

46. Intimacy is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

47. Intimacy is possible only with a securely attached heart.

48. Intimacy takes work to maintain.

49. Intimacy is raw honesty with another human being.

50. Intimacy is the unfolding of humanity in the container of relationship.

51. Intimacy is respect for self and respect for the other.

52. Intimacy is equality for each person in the relationship.

53. Intimacy is apologizing for wrongs.

54. Intimacy is in facing barriers to deeper connection and making corrections.

55. Intimacy is forgiveness.

56. Intimacy is standing in the fire, strong enough not to be burned.

57. Intimacy is skill.

58. Intimacy is strength of character, personality and heart.

59. Intimacy is remembering that there are two sides to every story.

60. Intimacy is openness to life as it comes, not how you want it to be.

61. Intimacy is the ability to cope well with uncertainty.

62. Intimacy is spontaneous, real time engagement.

63. Intimacy is about growing internally and fostering growth of your partner in all ways.

64. Intimacy is wanting the best for each other, however that plays out.

65. Intimacy is nonjudgmental, open, honest and accepting.

66. Intimacy gives space for individual growth.

67. Intimacy is preferring one another.

68. Intimacy is seeing your partner's happiness as more important than your own.

69. Intimacy is having strong boundaries.

70. Intimacy requires a solid, secure self identity.

71. Intimacy is overlooking negative emotions in your partner and helping them through it.

72. Intimacy shows us that what we see in the other good or bad is actually what we harbor within ourselves.

73. Intimacy is dancing in step, being in sync, on the same page--attunement.

74. Intimacy is patience.

75. Intimacy is taking care of your own neediness and not expecting your partner to help.

76. Intimacy is most like unconditional love.

77. Intimacy is staying in the present moment.

78. Intimacy is not projecting your negative self views onto the other person.

79. Intimacy is bouncing back quickly after a disagreement.

80. Intimacy is being secure enough to mend ruptures to the relationship.

81. Intimacy is trusting the other person is doing you right.

82. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight.

83. Intimacy is holding the other tightly, and letting go freely.

84. Intimacy is detachment from needing one another to be any way other than who they are.

85. Intimacy is not looking for flaws, faults or mistakes.

86. Intimacy is believing in your partner and trusting they can work through their issues.

87. Intimacy is a cushion in a rough world.

88. Intimacy is an emotionally safe place where you are loved and supported.

89. Intimacy seeks to understand before trying to be understood.

90. Intimacy listens with empathy and heart.

91. Intimacy is a balance between autonomy and togetherness.

92. Intimacy is being real--not playing games or sticking to certain roles.

93. Intimacy is tolerant of frustration.

94. Intimacy is not keeping score.

95. Intimacy is expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, confusion to one another to avoid a build up of resentment.

96. Intimacy is taking care of yourself so you can give your attention to the other instead of spending energy trying to get something that you need.

97. Intimacy is knowing you are worthy of love.

98. Intimacy is maintaining ethical relations with one another.

99. Intimacy allows abundance to flow.

100. Intimacy requires that you love your own life.

Read this article too...
100 Things Intimacy is Not

What is intimacy?
How to have intimacy.
Intimacy issues.
Relationships
Improve Intimacy
Intimacy in marriage
Attachment, Attached
Connections
Fear of Intimacy 

100 Things Intimacy is Not

Have you ever asked yourself, WHAT IS INTIMACY? If so, you're smart because intimacy is one of the most precious, evolved experiences known to man. It's the most connected kind of love you can have, and something that we humans are hardwired to seek. Unfortunately, many of us are ill equipped to be truly intimate and real with one another. There is so much baggage that's been passed down to today's human race. So much mental illness, abuse, false beliefs and other crap--few get the benefit of true intimacy. 

In exploring the concept of intimacy, I've decided to start with all the things we try to pretend are intimacy, but which are no where near true connection. In fact, this list contains many maladaptive behaviors that push intimacy and true love away--far away. 

Take a look at this list and see if any of these issues plague your life, and if it does, take all the time in the world to fix it. True intimacy is worth all the work you have to do on yourself to get there. Happy Loving!


1. Intimacy is not an interaction based on power and control.
2. Intimacy is not between two relationally unequal people.
3. Intimacy is not dictating how the other person should think, feel or be.
4. Intimacy is not manipulating someone to pay attention to you.
5. Intimacy is not playing games.
6. Intimacy is not one-sided.
7. Intimacy is not conditional love.
8. Intimacy is not judgmental.
9. Intimacy is not an ego boost.
10. Intimacy is not an attempt to prove your worth with another person's acceptance.
11. Intimacy is not painful.
12. Intimacy is not trying to please another person by morphing into someone else.
13. Intimacy is not silence, withholding or withdrawing.
14. Intimacy is not demanding your own way.
15. Intimacy is not pleasing a person at all costs.
16. Intimacy is not fusion.
17. Intimacy is not alienation.
18. Intimacy is not going along with what the other person wants at all times.
19. Intimacy is not punishing another for not doing what you want. 
20. Intimacy is not afraid of closeness.
21. Intimacy is not found in those who cannot love themselves.
22. Intimacy is not a reason to hide your true self.
23. Intimacy is not perfectionism. 
24. Intimacy is not possible when you're giving into shame.
25. Intimacy is not objectification of another person. 
26. Intimacy is not a trophy wife.
27. Intimacy is not narcissistic.
28. Intimacy is not a crutch.
29. Intimacy is not enabling a person to remain in their addictions. 
30. Intimacy is not lying and conniving. 
31. Intimacy is not running away.
32. Intimacy is not exploitation. 
33. Intimacy is not all or nothing. 
34. Intimacy is not fear of rejection.
35. Intimacy is not invalidation.
36. Intimacy is not refusing to meet half way.
37. Intimacy is not rejection.
38. Intimacy is not demanding the other person to change. 
39. Intimacy is not fixing one another. 
40. Intimacy is not jealousy.
41. Intimacy is not found in multiple affairs.
42. Intimacy is not deception.
43. Intimacy is not pornography.
44. Intimacy is not lust. 
45. Intimacy is not obsession.
46. Intimacy is not addiction.
47. Intimacy is not infatuation.
48. Intimacy is not turning your back on the other. 
49. Intimacy is not expecting one person to meet all your needs.
50. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be your whole world.
51. Intimacy is not where you expect someone to be responsible for your truth.
52. Intimacy is not a rescue mission. 
53. Intimacy is not selfishness.
54. Intimacy is not rigid.
55. Intimacy is not a free-for-all.
56. Intimacy is not disrespectful.
57. Intimacy is not a demand or requirement on another. 
58. Intimacy is not afraid to apologize. 
59. Intimacy is not being worried about who is right.
60. Intimacy is not ignoring hurts. 
61. Intimacy is not about acting one way when you feel another.
62. Intimacy is not about emotional explosions. 
63. Intimacy is not about image. 
64. Intimacy is not about dependency.
65. Intimacy is not something you will die without. 
66. Intimacy is not romantic love, though romantic love can certainly be involved.
67. Intimacy is not sex, though sex can increase intimacy. 
68. Intimacy is not walking out on a fight. 
69. Intimacy is not hiding your true feelings. 
70. Intimacy is not meeting the dependency needs of your childhood.
71. Intimacy is not treating the other as less than. 
72. Intimacy is not name calling and abusing. 
73. Intimacy is not triggered from your unconscious. 
74. Intimacy is not a list of rules and dogma.
75. Intimacy is not pretending to be someone you're not. 
76. Intimacy is not accepting inappropriate behavior in the other.
77. Intimacy is not about hiding from the truth.
78. Intimacy is not anxious and waiting for the other shoe to fly off.
79. Intimacy is not insecurity.
80. Intimacy is not longing.
81. Intimacy is not confusing. 
82. Intimacy is not impatient.
83. Intimacy is not ego based. 
84. Intimacy is not something you can force.
85. Intimacy is not found in most relationships. 
86. Intimacy is not critical of one another.
87. Intimacy is not distrustful.
88. Intimacy is not afraid to let another in.
89. Intimacy is not stagnant. 
90. Intimacy is not two people with one body.
91. Intimacy is not between two lonely people.
92. Intimacy is not automatic. 
93. Intimacy is not engulfment.
94. Intimacy is not your fantasy.
95. Intimacy is not fear of abandonment.
96. Intimacy is not built up resentments.
97. Intimacy is not projections. 
98. Intimacy is not ego-defenses. 
99. Intimacy is not the approval of the other.
100. Intimacy is not being thin or rich or good-looking enough for love.

(c) Jenna Ryan 2014


100 Things That Intimacy Is

Equality in Dating Relationships Wheel

Relationship Rights

Relationship Bill of Rights 
by Divine Caroline

Have you ever thought about what a relationship should be … what a self-loving, self-respecting person is entitled to in a healthy relationship? Of course you have! I’ve addressed this in various dimensions in lots of other posts, but I thought it would be fun to draft a general relationship bill of rights. Mine can serve as a guide for you to begin one of your own, based on your particular experiences and ideals.

In my opinion, you are born with the inalienable right to a relationship that:

1. Lets you make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. Mistakes are human. Mistakes allow us to learn, to grow, and to become better as individuals and when done right as couples. In a healthy relationship, we must have the room to stumble and not be scorned for it.

2. Lets you be 100 percent yourself. A relationship worth staying in is one that you feel free to be all of the dimensions of you, all of the time. If a piece of is hibernating out of fear that it will not be accepted, then that piece will ultimately shrivel up and die, making you feel less than your complete worth.

3. Lets you to state your needs and have them met. Being assertive about your need-states is critical—how else can you get them met? By doing so you are honoring your rights and letting your partner know what it will take to make you satisfied. A proper partner will give you a stage to allow this to happen and work with you to ensure reasonable needs are fulfilled.

4. Lets you freely express your feelings. We are born to express our feelings. After all, we come out of the womb, crying … crying for warmth, attention, nourishment. And it never stops. We biologically need to express our feelings and we need to be felt/heard by the heart/ears that those feelings fall upon.

5. Makes you feel safe and secure. Another innate quality we do not outgrow from birth is our need for security. Security comes in different forms for different people, but once you identify what makes you feel safe and secure, it is critical that you have it in your relationship; it serves as a foundational element to grow on.

6. Gives you room to grow. Throughout your life, you will continue to evolve. As life throws you new challenges you will need room to meet them head- and heart-on, which often requires developing new life skills. This means that you will not be the same person a year from now, five years from now, and so on, that you are today (and that’s a good thing!). A healthy partner respects and encourages such a process.

7. Is not physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally or sexually abusive. Duh.

8. Lets you ask for help. Being able to ask for help is a sign of strength, not one of weakness. Despite many women’s desire to be able to leverage superwoman-like powers and handle it all, you can’t. You have the right to ask for help, and the right to get it.

9. Does not demand you take on responsibility for another’s problem. Sure, relationships are about helping one another through each other’s tough times, but they are not about becoming solely responsible for another person’s mess. When you enter a relationship, each member must be responsible for what they bring in and what they collect along the way.

10. Allows you to walk away, whenever you want, for whatever reason you choose. Relationships aren’t about control … not in the free society in which we choose to live. We should only be in a relationship if it is a healthy, prosperous one for us; if it is not, we should and must be able to depart it.

What else would you add to your relationship bill of rights? What should you get unequivocally from a relationship, no matter what?

Live and love largely,
Tristan

Basic Rights in a Relationship

• The right to good will from the other
• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy
• The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
• The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
• The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is
  legitimately your business
• The right to live free from accusations and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
• The right to encouragement
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be called by no name that devalues you
• The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered

BASIC RIGHTS IN ANY RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other.

The right to emotional support.

The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

The right to have our feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The right to receive a sincere apology.

The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

The right to live free from accusation and blame.

The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

The right to encouragement.

The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

The right to protect own physical and emotional health.

The right to be treated with respect.

The right to express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values and traditions.

QUESTIONS BELOW PRESENT A CRITERIA BY WHICH TO EVALUATE WHEN STARTING ANY NEW RELATIONSHIP

Does he/she have a sense of joy in life?

Do I enjoy his/her ideas, and do I feel a rapport with him/her?

Do I feel a real connection, laughing together and catching meanings in the same way?

Is there a best-friend quality to my relationship?

Do I feel relaxed with him/her?

Can I really be myself without criticism?

Does he/her share his/her interests with me and express an interest in mine?

Does he/she speak openly and honestly about himself/herself?

Do I feel warmth and understanding from him/her?

Is his/her humour often at the expense of others, or is it bitter or intimidating, or does it make me uncomfortable?

Does he/she seem distrustful of a number of other people?

Does he/she argue against my thoughts, ideas, feelings, and experiences?

Is time spent with him/her not as pleasant as I usually anticipate?

Is his/her world composed of ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’?

Does he/she seem to understand or remember things differently from me?

Does he/she make assumptions about me based on anecdotal evidence?

Most important of all are your own feelings. If you experience the slightest feeling that something is wrong, it is.

It is time to move on to find someone that will love and respect you with all his/her heart.



 Human Rights For Those Involved in Intimate Relationships

This is an excerpt from:  Exit Support Network

Many in deceptive, controlling groups have been helplessly abused by those in authority. This article helps you to know what your human rights are.

• The right to share equally with your partner all decisions and responsibilities related to your relationship, children, home and finances.
• The right to share equally with your mate in all financial decisions.
• The right to have friendships outside of your relationship as long as you do not violate the privacy of your relationship with your partner.
• The right to have friendships outside of your relationship as long as you do not violate the privacy of your relationship with your partner.
• The right to express your opinion and then be given the same respect and consideration as those of your mate.
• The right to have and express your sexual needs and desires without feeling like you are selfish, demanding, or aggressive.
• The right to have your emotional, physical and intellectual needs be as important as the needs of your mate.
• The right to expect your mate to do his/her part to resolve difficulties to your relationship.
• The right to hold your mate responsible for his behavior rather than assuming that responsibility yourself.
• The right to seek professional help with your relationship.
• The right never to be physically attacked or emotionally degraded by your mate and the right to end the relationship (and to seek safety), if either occurs.
• The right to expect significant behavioral changes rather than apologies and promises from your partner if a single battering incident occurs.
• The right to not blame yourself if the relationship in which you have invested so much love and effort ends.

NOTE: It stands to reason that if a husband and wife are abiding in Christ and love Him, having Him as the center of their life, they will be respecting "human rights in marriage." Unfortunately, too many in abusive religious groups have placed obedience to the "government of God" as the center of their marriage, rather than the Lord Jesus Christ.