Getting Your Needs Met

Everybody has needs. We all do. Each and every one of us has needs. The things we need are what make us human. We need attention, love, affirmation, direction, respect, encouragement--we need all sorts of things!!! If we were brought up in an unhealthy environment, we may have been taught that our needs are a burden, that we should be ashamed of our needs, or we might not even know what our needs are. This leaves us as a decoy for selfish people who are only focused on their own needs.
 
If you were not taught how to get your needs met in a healthy way, you may resort to indirect methods for getting your needs met, or you may refrain from getting your needs met at all, which is very painful. Without a clear understanding of who you are and what you need... without a clear understanding of your right to have needs, and your right to expect your needs to be met... without respectful modeling and self love and self respect, you will have a hard time filling the emptiness inside. We are created for relationship and without the proper connections, we dwindle like a plant without water. If we are out-of-touch with our needs, we die on the vine.

Getting your needs met as an adult is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Some people are entitled. They think everybody else was put on earth to meet their needs for them. They take no responsibility for their own needs and blame anyone near for their issues. Others are "needless and wantless." They have been conditioned to not have any needs at all. These people may feel like a victim who is constantly being abused and martyred. The best way to be is healthy, self-nurturing. It's best to know who you are, know your needs, be confident to make your needs known, and strong enough to walk away or distance yourself from those who are incapable of meeting your needs in reciprocal fashion. You need the water of connection, friendship, relationship to be a healthy, whole, fulfilled person.

Many of your needs can only be met in relationship, but it is up to you to foster relationships which are capable of meeting your needs. Relationships that are unequal, one-sided or abusive will not do the trick. If you want to be fulfilled and happy, you must cultivate relationships with people who are capable of filling your emotional cup and respecting you, even as you do the same for them.

Some people in life are selfish and only focused on their own needs. These people will exploit others by focusing the attention of the relationship on them and by ignoring your needs. Really crafty people who are seriously toxic may even ignore your needs, steal all the attention and then blame you for being selfish. Imagine that! These people are out there. Beware.

The point is that you have a right to your needs and you have a right to expect your needs to be met. That doesn't mean that people should always cater to your every whim and pay attention to you whenever you beckon. I'm not saying that! Everyone has their own decisions to make about what they can do for other people. What I am saying is that you don't want to be in a relationship with a blood sucker who just wants to exploit you by stealing your time, energy, emotions and thoughts without giving you anything in return.

You deserve to be considered. You deserve a reciprocal relationship. You have the right to express what you want, and the right to expect that your needs will be reasonably met in a relationship. You shouldn't have to hide your needs or pretend not to need anything in order to win the approval of others--that is murderous to your own soul! You shouldn't be so bent on pleasing another person that you swallow your own values and mold yourself into the shape of their liking. This is like walking to the gallows. Don't allow yourself to be hanged in the name of acceptance.

If you are confident to let your friend, lover, spouse or employer know what your needs are, then you are doing the right thing. Just be sure to recognize that not everyone is capable of treating you with respect and honoring your humanity, and therefore your needs. Some people will try to invalidate you by ignoring your needs and putting their own needs up front. You don't ever want to be in the position where you want or need another person in your life so much that you're willing to deny your own needs. This is the equivalent of losing yourself and disappearing.

Some people will walk away from you if you choose to honor your own need to have needs. Those who are insensitive to others may not even like you expressing what you need. Don't let them hurt you. As you love yourself more and begin to gain confidence in expressing your needs and realizing that your needs are valid and you are deserving of an equal relationship, you will lose a few people along the way. Some people will not like that you are a whole person who is full of self love. Let them walk. Let them go. You are more important than any person who thinks you're not.

Don't ever be afraid to ask. It's your right to have needs and to expect your needs be reasonably met. Anyone who walks away from you for asking is not someone you want in your life anyway. Someone who refuses to meet your needs is implying that they are more important--that their needs come first. Don't put up with that! Stick with people who honor your needs and understand reciprocity and know how to relate on a mature, healthy level. Surround yourself with great people who see your value, treat you with dignity and make room for your expressions and your needs. You are SO worth it!

The Healing Power of Grief

So often we don't want to deal with our emotions. Maybe we think it's weak, or perhaps we're busy with our lives so our heavy emotions are never processed, but rather, tucked away and hidden in the crevices of our hearts. We hope such anger, resentment, bitterness, pain and sorrow never shows up again. We place so much emphasis on always feeling good, that we hide, deny and repress negative feelings, much to our detriment. In order to experience freedom, joy and contentment in our lives, we must learn to face our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. Every part of our experience has something to teach us.

One emotion that is in ample supply when you are lacking self-love is grief. What is grief? Grief is the sorrow felt from the loss of love. If you are experiencing feelings of low worth or low self esteem, then you can bet that you have unresolved grief locked up in your heart. That's because somewhere along the way you needed unconditional love, but instead you were denied, rejected or cast away for whatever reason. Today you may be repeating that pattern within your own psyche, injuring yourself repeatedly with negative self-talk, some of which you may not even be conscious...

The reasons are not as important as understanding that any wounds you've ever experienced in your life must be healed or else you'll walk around reacting to it in your present day-to-day environment. Your old emotional wounds can be triggered from seemingly benign instances. You may overreact and then blame yourself for your own ineptitude. This is why it's important to face the pain in your heart that is blocking your vision of your true self--the only part of you that can give and receive true love to you and others. And stop blaming yourself while you're at it. Practice self compassion.

Back to grief. Grief is the by-product of the loss of love. When we love someone and we lose that person--this includes ourselves--grief is what remains. If we've had that grief our whole lives, we may not even know that the pain we feel is grief, and we may not know why we're grieving. People who suffer from depression are often bundles of unresolved grief, but they can't access it because they hate themselves too much to go inside and dig around.

Grieving has a distinct feeling in your heart. You need to learn yourself to the extent that you can tell when you're grieving, when your angry, sad, mad, happy, content. You must know yourself if you are to love yourself. See if you can learn what grieving feels like in your heart... be mindful. Think about how you feel inside when you are grieved, your muscle tightness, breathing patterns, thought patterns--you may find the feeling in interesting places... This may bring insight that helps you find pockets of grief that need releasing.

Grieving is the key to healing... very similar to tears. Tears are a chemical compound that actually wash your eyes, and flushes toxins out of your body. Likewise grief. Grief, that is, the emotional processing of loss, is cathartic and restorative. If you can discover that which needs to be resolved, and what losses from your childhood (or past) need to be processed, you can experience a monumental healing experience and awaken parts of you that you never knew existed.

You want to lean into the pain and face it rather than run away and hide. Only when you go through the pain can you learn what it has to teach and heal from life's hurts. If you want to grow and expand your awareness and experience fulness and freedom, then you will need to move beyond the pain. You must grieve your losses and face your shadows. Only when you're brave enough to delve into your pain will you be given the gift of insight and emotional maturity.

Unresolved grief is painful. This means you've never faced the loss and the pain never goes away. Unresolved grief stands in the way of your self-perception, blocking you from seeing and understanding what's really happening inside. Unresolved grief keeps you from loving yourself because it blocks you from yourself so you can't see the beauty that you are. This is why it's so important to dig deep and face whatever hurts us--beneath the pain of grief is the beauty that is you. Go ahead and release yourself to grieve... it's like a good cry for the injustice of life. Ahhhhhhh...