100 Boundaries for Toxic People

It's important to set boundaries for yourself against all people--especially toxic people. Boundaries draw the line between you and another person. Toxic people are difficult to be around because their desire is to take you over. Toxic people want to control you and destroy your "I am." They sadistically want to control you and exploit your weak sense of self. If you were programmed during childhood to please toxic people, then you need to re-program your mind to set boundaries to protect yourself now.

You need boundaries that are quick and to-the-point. Clear, one sentence boundaries without explaining yourself. You need to practice these phrases so they'll be readily available when you're ready to use it. Remember to be clear. Don't feel you are being rude. You're not being rude when you take up for yourself and reserve space for yourself in a relationship / conversation.

Unlike with healthy people, when you set a boundary with a toxic person, DO NOT SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. They are incapable of registering feelings and have no empathy. Telling them your feelings only gives them more ammo. They want you to feel badly, upset, hurt. Just state clearly, and automatically what you are thinking in order to get them to back-off.  These people are bullies. They only respond to one-liners. It will shock them if they're used to you being submissive and non-existent. These boundaries will give you the space you need in the interaction, and will also help to strengthen your own position internally.

Don't say "I'm sorry." These are not nice people; but rather, they are secretly plotting and conniving to take you down. Be assertive, not sorry. Don't explain. Speak with confidence and clarity. Practice over and over in advance. These quips -- one liners help strengthen your sense of self, and keep you level in the playing field of toxic people in your life.

100 Boundaries for Toxic People

1. Why are you belittling me? (Use this for covert abuse such as giving unwarranted advice).
2. Don't minimize my needs.
3. I don't need to hear that.
4. That doesn't work for me.
5. We can agree to disagree.
6. I didn't ask for advice. 
7. I hear that you don't like the red dress on me, however, it is the dress I choose.
8. Why are you gaslighting me?
9. Are you trying to triangulate me?
10. Why are you looking at me like you just farted? 
11. What business is it of yours?
12. Stop changing the subject.
13. Allow me to speak my turn.
14. It's my turn to share.
15. I don't need cliches.
16. Stop telling me how to be. 
17. No, I can't do it.
18. Your expectations of me are higher than I am able to give.
19. No, I don't see it that way.
20. That's not the way I see it. 
21. I disagree on that point.
22. That has nothing to do with me.
23. That's your opinion, not mine. 
24. That is not a priority for me. (When they're trying to hijack your agenda)
25. Are you bragging or sharing good news with me? 
26. Why are you bragging so much?
27. That sounds like a lie.
28. Why are you telling me this? (When they're bragging non-stop)
29. I don't talk about that. (Private issue of your own they try to bring up)
30. Stop interrogating me.
31. What's with all the questions?
32. I don't share that.
33. I don't want to talk about it.
34. Stop bringing that issue up.
35. Stop bossing me around.
36. Stop talking about yourself and listen to me.
37. No, I won't do it.
38. Let's go if you can't act right.
39. Are you implying that I'm ____? (When they're using covert manipulation)
40. I am done with this conversation.
41. I have a right to ____. (speak, share, be heard, be understood, etc... Don't explain it though)
42. That's incorrect. 
43. That's not true.
44. We are two different people, each with our own ideas.
45. Stop controlling the conversation.
46. Don't talk behind my back in front of my face.
47. Was that a back-handed compliment?
48. You've got it wrong. 
49. I know what's best for me.
50. That is your opinion, not mine.
51. I am competent enough to decide for myself what to do, buy, wear, say.
52. Why are you baiting me to prove myself? 
53. Why are you comparing yourself to me?
54. If you don't like it, don't listen. (When Hitler tries to control conversation with another)
55. How does that effect you?
56. Why does that matter to you?
57. That is my preference.
58. This is my story, let me finish. 
59. I have a right to share what is on my mind.
60. Stop. I don't play that game.
61. Stop. I don't like that.
62. Keep your opinions to yourself. 
63. Don't cross that line.
64. No. I won't discuss this with you.
65. I did not ask for advice.
66. Your opinion of the situation doesn't match mine.
67. That doesn't work for me. 
68. I don't work that way. 
69. You're expecting more than I can give.
70. Stop changing the subject back to yourself.
71. That was a rude comment. (Backhanded compliment)
72. We are two different people.
73. No, I don't want a hug, kiss, date, sexual advance. 
74. No, I don't hug strangers. 
75. I don't discuss that with strangers. 
76. That's lewd. 
77. I have my own ideas about what happened. 
78. Why are you telling me all these personal details when we just met? 
79. Does this story have an ending?
80. I don't need to prove myself to you.
81. I don't care about that. 
82. That doesn't matter to me.
83. That has nothing to do with me.
84. That's your issue, not mine.  
85. Are you trying to hijack my agenda?
86. Stop trying to hijack my agenda.
87. Stop trying to control me.
88. No. You cannot do that to me.
89. No. That's more than I will allow. 
90. No. I won't play that role. 
91. Stop repeating the same stories over and over. 
92. I get it. You're ___. Please just move on. (tall, rich, handsome, beautiful, lovely, talented)
93. I disagree.
94. Why did you promise me __ and end up doing just ___?
95. Are you love bombing me?
96. I will no longer fawn over you.
97. No can do. You're 30 minutes late!
98. Stop minimizing what I say.
99. Stop interrupting me.
100. Are you trying to create an illusion / mirage?

Narcissists Won't Take Your Side

If you are looking for love, validation and support from the narcissist, you are wise to look elsewhere. The narcissist will reel you in by offering love bombing and doing anything and everything in the world for you, but once they have you--they will not take your side.

Narcissists have a way of being sneaky about the way that they abuse others. Narcissist abuse causes your self esteem, energy and life-force to be drained away from you. They have to use sneaky, abusive tactics because obvious abuse would not get them what they want. Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic supply is gained by the narc when you are in pain. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I repeat. THEY LOVE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN.

They love the open Gestalt. They love not fulfilling your needs. They love neglecting you. They love leaving things open and they love you not knowing or realizing what is happening. They love that you come back to them for support time and again, after they have continued invalidate you. 

It is painful to have someone whom you love and trust not take your side. Maybe you can't even pinpoint that they are doing it, but if you get higher up, more in tune with your intuition and more knowledgeable about covert narcissist abuse tactics, you can begin to notice when and how the narc(s) in your life are failing to meet your needs and refusing to take your side.

The narcissist refuses to take your side. If you're in an argument with another person and you go to them for support, the narcissist will not give you any support. You will get nada, zippo, zip. This lack of support is a form of neglect. It is very difficult to pinpoint and it is very harmful to you if you are vulnerable to someone about your own hurt by another person and that person does not affirm you and validate you.

This lack of support and validation is neglect on the part of the narcissist. It is harmful to you and the narc loves to see you harmed. It is a control tactic that the narcissist uses to keep you off-balance. They love for you to be insecure, because insecure people are ripe for abuse. Insecure people are narcissistic supply.

The narcissist does not want to validate you. Granted, you should be strong enough to validate yourself and not need the validation of the narcissist. External validation should be something that is nice to have, but not required for you to feel okay about your own position. You shouldn't need an outside person to give you a stamp of approval as to whether you are right or wrong in an argument with another person. It's just nice to have someone be on your side.

It meets your needs when someone is on your side. Having someone on your side makes you feel like you're supported, protected and helps you have strength to stand up for yourself and feel good about yourself. When a person you love and confide in chooses not to take your side when you're up against a 3rd party, or refuses to validate your position, and instead is invalidating toward you--this is when your self esteem takes a hit. Any time you allow yourself to be invalidated, your self esteem takes a hit. Even if you recognize it. Being in the presence of someone who is invalidating you while you're being vulnerable will have painful repercussions to you. It will decrease your self worth, sense of self and confuse your identity. Stay away from invalidators. Confront people who are being invalidating towards you.

These narcissists can seem to be on your side, but deep down inside, your intuition, your gut tells you that they are not on your side. That you need to do something, say something, work hard to PROVE that you are right and worthy for them to be on your side. Like you're wrong to start out with, and you have to prove your rightness in order to EARN their favor of meeting your need for support and understanding.

This has not only happened to me once, but with numerous narcissists. It's a covert form of abuse. That is, not meeting your needs while acting like they are meeting your needs while you're pushing the rock uphill of trying to get them to believe in you and support you. You're working over time trying to prove yourself to someone who is purposely holding back approval and refusing to meet your needs for support while smiling in your face like a dear friend, husband, family member.

Screw that!

Narcissists won't take your side. Here's a list for you of the ways

• They say yes, but you can tell by their body language or lack of input that they really don't believe you, respect your side or support you.
• May say yes, but you can tell by other questions that they ask that they believe you are actually in the wrong.
• Say things that affirm the position of the person you are in an argument with.
• Plays dumb. 
• Ignores you.
• Becomes distracted.
• Giggles like you are an idiot child (trying to put you into this role).
• Rolls eyes like you are stupid.
• Stonewalls.
• Changes the subject. 
• Starts bringing up the finer qualities of the person you're in an argument with.
• Says, "maybe this is God's way of teaching you a lesson."
• Shakes head and says, "Girl, you're always fighting with someone."
• Acts like they don't know enough info to make a determination. 
• Tells you to hang out with a person who has been abusive to you in the past. 
• Makes up excuses for the person you're in an argument with. 

Healthy People Have Your Back

It is so easy to take someone's side. This is an easy, empathetic thing to do. A person with a heart will naturally be open to supporting those they love. They will come to their side naturally. It's a normal, natural thing to do, to validate someone's upset whom you care about. Granted, if it's two people you feel strongly for, perhaps you cannot be on one side or the other, but still, you validate the position of the person who is confiding in you about the hurt and pain they've endured or are enduring.

Narcissists love to watch you squirm in this place of "lack of support." They love to see you needing something, and being the one with the power to give it to you or not. They love knowing that withholding this support may cause you doubt yourself (if you are wounded). They love knowing that they are holding the controls of your psyche by not validating you. They love knowing that you need something from them and they are pretending to care about you, but ignoring your needs completely.

Narcissists are intensely jealous / envious of you. They do not want you to have the supplies you need to be happy, fulfilled and supported. They want to keep you from feeling good so they can measure their own well being by your lack of well being. They are sadistic. Happy, good, healthy people want the best for you. They want you to feel supported--and they don't hate you. They believe in you and want the best for you. They feel good about themselves, they don't envy you, they wish you the best, so they can easily stay on your side and be supportive.

Covert Messages in the Lack of Support

It's different than an objective viewpoint. The narcissist doesn't take your side and implies negative connotations about who you are as a person. They do this all the while pretending to be a good supporter--all the while they're conveying these messages covertly:

• I don't support you.
• I support the person who has upset you more than I do you.
• I believe you are wrong.
• I don't have to give you the support you need and you will still be my friend because you're a peasant.
• I am superior to you.
• What you think is wrong.
• What you feel is wrong.
• Other people are superior to you.
• People you argue with are more right than you are.
• You are in the wrong, but I'm acting like you're in the right.
• You don't know how to feel.
• I know how you should feel.
• You don't know how to determine who is right or wrong.
• I know more about who is right or wrong than you, even though I have limited info or I wasn't present. 
• I don't believe in you.
• You should be ashamed of yourself for having a disagreement with another person.
• You can't count on me for support.
• You can't talk to me about your problems with others because I will blame you.
• You are to blame for the argument.

We all need people to love and support us in our lives. When we are surrounded by narcissists, we are surrounded by people who will not take our side. When someone will not take our side, we are left deficit. A very important need goes unmet.

As a child, when you are raised with a family of narcissists who refuse to take your side, or invalidate you at every turn, you may learn not to take your own side.  This leads you to be weak to other narcissists in the future. This leads you to invalidate yourself and it leads you to seek out validation from others. Validiation you will never get from the narcissists in your life--if that's where you are in your journey.

Validation is on Your Side

You deserve validation!!! 

• 1st you deserve validation from yourself. 
• 2nd you deserve validation from those you are in a relationship with.
• 3rd you deserve to recognize when you're being invalidated.
• 4th you deserve to set boundaries and limits against invalidation. 
• 5th you deserve to walk away from anyone who continuously fails to take your side.
• 6th you deserve to know when you are being covertly abused by manipulative people.

This topic is akin to withholding of approval. In childhood, when a parent withholds approval, it is considered emotional neglect. The failure to meet a primary dependency need of the child. As an adult, we shouldn't NEED approval from others, but we should be naturally drawn to people who actively listen to us, believe in us, support us and take our side against the onslaught of rude, manipulative, hurting people who come into our lives.

When you recognize that you are in the presence of someone who is refusing to validate you, or refusing to take your side... It's hard to explain, but you will know it if it happens repeatedly. Once or twice is okay. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of not taking your side. When this happens, shut it down.

Recognize when people are truly on your side and be thankful for that. Seek people in your life who are validating and who have empathy and truly care about you. Give yourself the gift of positioning yourself in a world where people have your back and aren't stabbing you in it.

Narcissists Play Dumb to Gaslight You

Narcissists pretend like they are victimized by your normal behavior. They act like they are offended by something you say when whatever you said is innocent and harmless. Narcissists act like whatever you said was heinous and highly offensive. They want you to feel that you are wrong and offensive, like you cannot be understood and like your normal ways of being and talking are unacceptable. This is in attempt to control and manipulate you. They take offense in illogical ways to the empath's normal behavior. This is called GASLIGHTING.

It is emotional abuse to act offended to a benign incidence, statement or position of another person. It is called gaslighting and should not be tolerated. The narcissist is trying to make you wrong. Take you away from your truth and get you tied up in their stupidity. It gets you off your track and onto their track. Gaslighting is a covert manipulation tactic.

Narcissists love to act offended over nothing. They love to play the victim. They love to overreact to innocuous statements you make. They love to play dumb so you will spend your precious energy explaining things to them. They love to suck you dry. Don't fall for it. You don't have to explain yourself or prove yourself. Just walk away. Go Gray Rock. 

If someone is so unintelligent, so unaware, so confused that they are offended by your innocent presence, and offended by your innocent attempts to help them, or your innocent attempts at being human and alive, then they are doing that as a way to take you off track. Gaslighting is about trying to argue with the victim about what's really happening, about reality. The victim keeps trying to explain to the manipulative person what reality is, but the victim continues to deny reality and put forth illogical explanations and pretending to be offended, confused, misunderstood. This causes the empath to work overtime and focus on the creepy parasite narcissist who is playing the empath like a fiddle. 

This is how narcissists control you. They pretend that they are hurt by you, that they don't understand you, that you must help them and prove yourself. Meanwhile, you are taken off track, thinking about helping them to understand and not be hurt, rather than focusing on your own life and your own purposes. They want you to keep coming to them for validation of reality. Do not allow them to take you over in this seemingly innocent way. This is the way your self esteem is being leaked out and makes you feel awful. These little micro manipulation tactics add up to huge loss in self esteem and self actualization. 

DON'T FALL FOR GASLIGHTING. Get educated. Become aware. Don't be played.